Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

Oh, no!

Narrator: What's got q about

to blow?

Oh...

Narrator: Why is sal filled

with regret?

I think I went too far.

Narrator: And how will

tonight's big loser be haunted

by his past?

Today, we're working the

register at cross island fruits

grocery store.

But while we're working, we

have to do or say whatever the

other guys tell us to.

If you refuse any of it, you

lose.

Got ya!

$3.96.

Sal, take out your phone.

"Oh, so annoying!"

Oh, so annoying.

"My dad keeps sexting me at

work."

My dad keeps sexting me at

work, you know?

No, I don't.

That's why I'm so confused.

Thanks, guys.

Are you open?

"Lane 8's not opes."

Uh... I'm not opes. Sorry.

No?

No.

"Back opes."

Back opes.

Hey.

Hey.

"Sorry. Not opes."

I have to still count this...

I have the drawer, so I'm not

opes right now.

Sorry.

It's okay.

"Back opes."

Back opes.

"Not opes."

Yeah...

"No, it's not opes."

Not opes.

I'll be opes again soon.

Can you, like, give me a

heads up?

I would, but just not opes

right now.

I'm sorry. Not opes.

"Back opes."

Lane 8 opes.

Lane 8 open.

All right, buddy, let her in.

So, you got the avocado.

Sal, keep hitting buttons on

the thing.

Just the one avocado?

Yeah.

Now just duck down.

Yeah, reach up with one hand

and just keep tapping the keys.

Pop up, shut the light, say

"not opes."

Lane 8 not opes.

Hi. How are you?

Scan the little girl.

Oh.

Come here. I'm gonna scan you.

Oh, my god!

She's not going through here.

I need a price check on a

2-year-old.

Hi. How you doing?

These are the Concord grapes.

Joe, the P.A. is broken, and

you need a price check.

I'm gonna need a price check

on these.

Price check, Concord grapes,

Lane 8!

Hmm.

Yell for a price check.

Price check, bruschettinis!

You know, the only one that

knows the price, I think, is the

manager.

Oh, yes.

Wonder what his name is.

You know what manager's on

shift tonight?

Who's the manager today?

Larry.

Larry!

Larry!

I don't know.

I mean, the manager on duty...

Larry, price check, Concord

grapes, Lane 8!

I think I'm deaf.

I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, the P.A. system

is broken.

Oh, damn it.

Larry, bananas, Lane 8!

I got the bruschettinis and the

Concord grapes!

I apologize.

He's normally pretty fast.

You heard me. I was calling him.

Just go ahead.

You know when you want to

find somebody, you can't find

them?

Damn it. Asparagus.

Larry, asparagi, Lane 8!

Multiple asparagus... asparagi!

I've been looking for this guy

for about three years now.

Butternut squash! Larry!

Lawrence, I need a damn

price check on 8!

Go out and look for Larry.

Let me just look for him

right quick.

Larry! Larry!

Get him, get him, get him,

get him!

Larry!

Price check on 8!

Larry, I need a price check on

8!

There's asparagi!

I'm looking for him.

Asparagus!

You know what?

He's off on Thursdays.

Found everything you needed?

Yep.

Great.

Extra virgin olive oil.

Did that virgin oil scam,

murr?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you should probably scan

that oil again.

Uh, I don't know if it

scanned.

I don't know. Scan it again.

Keep scanning it.

Keep scanning it.

Scan it again.

Again.

It's just not going.

It's not coming up.

It's not coming up, bro.

Keep scanning it.

Keep scanning it.

Just trying to get it to scan

right.

It sounds like a heartbeat.

You sound like you're working in

the E.R.

This scanner sometimes gets

stuck.

But why isn't it scanning it?

It's... it's... um, you know,

the...

sometimes, we have the olive

oil.

"Oh, there it is."

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, it went through that time.

I got it.

Okay, your total is $511.67.

Those eggs are expensive, huh?

Is it cash or credit, hon?

It's credit, but you're not

getting my card.

How are you, sir?

Cash or credit?

"Hey, you know, frank from

produce called me a taint

kisser."

You know, frank from produce

called me a... Taint kisser.

"I was gonna ask you."

I was gonna ask you.

Taint... t-a-i-n-t.

He's looking it up.

He's looking it up.

And the genitals?

Why would frank say that?

"Ooh, you got a cute front."

Oh, you have a cute front.

Huh?

You have a cute front.

Thanks a lot.

I got a big front.

"Cute, though. But cute."

But it's cute.

You wear it well.

Thank you very much.

This guy's awesome.

First time a guy told me

that.

"1976 called."

1976 called.

What'd they tell you?

"They want their chest hair

back."

Oh.

It's not so easy.

What'd they tell you?

That's it. They just called.

"Hey, moustache."

Hey, moustache. What's up?

What's going on today?

What? Are we getting some eggs?

Oh, that's a polite

moustache.

That's a friendly moustache.

Hey. How you doing, man?

Good. How are you?

Good, good.

"Oh Barry!"

Oh... barry!

"We go to the same gyno."

We go...

We go to the same...

Gynecologist.

Don't I see you there?

No?

No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were Barry.

Hi.

Hey. What's going on?

Nothing.

Q, wink and say, "say hello

to your father for me."

Say hello to your father for

me.

What?

Do you know him?

"I'm your father's special

friend."

I'm his... I'm his...

Special friend.

"Did you see him this

morning?"

Did you see him this morning?

Yeah.

"What was he wearing?"

What was he wearing?

A suit.

That's so your dad.

What do you got? A yam?

Yeah. My mom forgot it.

"If only she wasn't in the

picture."

Your mom, right?

If only she wasn't in the

picture.

Hi. Hello.

Hi.

Oh, she got a bottle of diet

soda.

You guys know when you drop the

mints into the soda?

Do you know if that works?

I bet you we're gonna find

out.

Q.

Mm-hmm.

There is a roll of mints

under the register.

Mm-hmm.

Get them.

Yeah.

Open up her bottle of diet soda.

Okay.

Do me a favor.

Just pop those mints into the

diet soda.

Oh, no!

What?!

Oh, my god!

Didn't you know it was gonna

happen?

There's some things that

they're just made for you to say

no.

Larry, clean-up, aisle 8.

Clean-up, aisle 8.

Narrator: Murr couldn't bring

up a win, so he's checking out

the loser board.

You know what really annoys

me?

Long checkout lines.

What the hell?

What are you doing?

Spit it out.

No!

You're struggling right now.

We're back in the mall,

playing some sudden-death

debate.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament style, getting

strangers to settle our crazy

debates.

But the topic of the debate

will be given to us by the other

guys.

We must get someone to agree

with our stance, no matter how

ridic it may be.

If they don't agree, you

lose.

You and I are an interesting

combination here.

Two different styles,

my friend.

Totally different styles.

You're like a blunt-force

instrument.

I'm like an object of finesse.

You're a sledgehammer.

I'm a violin.

Sledgehammer's about to hit

you in the face.

Why don't we ask this guy and

see his opinion?

Can you settle a debate for

us?

Whatever you say goes.

"I think I give a better

impression of an ostrich."

I think...

I think that I give a better

impression of an ostrich.

An ostrich.

Yeah, but, see, I think that

I do the better ostrich

impersonation.

You decide.

All right, I'll go first, I

guess.

An ostrich.

You tell us who's better.

That's a flamingo.

Okay, but hold on.

How about this? Ready?

Are you going into

convulsions?

It's the main choreography

from "thriller."

Then, occasionally...

You know?

Can I just say?

Sometimes, simplicity is the

best, though.

What does everybody know about

ostriches?

Thank you.

Dude, he's putting his head

in the bag.

Is that an impression?

Watch this, though.

This is what we are making

these two guys do in the middle

of a mall.

It sounds like there's a

chicken out here, but that's

definitely not the sound an

ostrich makes.

If we didn't tell you what bird

we were doing...

which one would you know was

an ostrich right off the bat?

Q for the win.

We're about to get historical

on their asses.

Sir, could you help settle a

bet for us?

We need a third party.

"Which amendment is more

important?"

Which amendment is more

important?

Joe, you think the 25th

amendment is more important.

I think it's the 25th

amendment.

And, sal, you think it's the

29th amendment.

I mean, come on.

I think it's the 29th amendment,

hands down.

There's only 27 amendments.

Well, the 25th amendment is

the one... the right to speak

and bear your arms.

That is the second.

That is the second, but it's a

follow-up to that... to speak

with your arms.

Oh, the 29th amendment?

The right to bear claws.

The right to bear claws.

Congress got together and

voted to allow bear claws.

Before that, there was no

hunting allowed, 'cause too many

people were getting f'ed up by

bears.

You wouldn't even be in this

mall.

There'd be bears all over the

place.

Basically, he's looking to

want to hunt bears.

I'm want to be able to speak

with my arms.

I'm from an Italian descent, so

that's what we do a lot.

It is cool, because it gives

me the right to do that to him.

He's got a point.

But you ever make love on a

bear rug?

But imagine a world where I

can't wave hello to you.

Who the wants to live in

that?

You ever come in contact with

a bear, they say to go, "aah!"

See, if a bear was attacking

you, you wouldn't have been able

to do that without my amendment.

You would just be sitting there

getting mauled in the mall.

When a bear comes up to you,

your only defense is gonna be

like, "listen, can we talk about

this?"

Who do you think is correct?

Which amendment is more

important?

'Cause I can't bear to not have

you say the 29th amendment.

Thank you so much.

Both: Oh!

Sal wins!

Okay, guys, it comes to this.

Whoever wins, wins the whole

thing.

I don't know, buddy.

I don't know what you're talking

about right here.

Well, I just... it's hard for

me to agree with you.

Excuse me.

Do you mind helping us out for

one second?

Can you try to settle a

friendly bet?

"We're just trying to

decide..."

We're just trying to

decide...

"who's the worst son."

who's the worst son.

Sal, you think it's you.

I know that I am the worst

son.

And, q, you think you're the

worst son in the world.

I actually that I'm a worse

son than him.

Okay, hear me out.

I...

My favorite part about this

is that sal and q pride

themselves on being great sons.

Yeah, they do.

This is hard to do... to

admit you're a bad son,

especially when you love your

mother so much.

So, okay, I have 37 voicemails

on my phone from my mother.

I don't answer any of them,

okay?

Because I just don't want to be

bothered.

My mother got remarried, and

the night of the wedding...

I hit on her husband.

Here's the thing.

I'm gonna do an impression of my

mother.

Go ahead.

Okay?

Raaah! Raaah! Raaah! Raaah!

My mother needs to go to the

doctor once a week, and I will

not bring her to the doctor.

Do you take her to the

doctor?

No. See, the thing is... my

mother is parked on the parkway

right now with her car broken

down.

I'm here shopping and buying new

sneakers.

Hold on. Check this out.

What's he up to?

What's he gonna do?

Hey, ma. What are you doing?

I hate you, you bitch.

You see what I'm saying?

What did you do?

You don't do that.

I can't even... he can win.

I got to call her back.

I think I went too far.

Ma, I'm so sorry.

Ma, ma, that was just a joke.

"Why did you say that to me?"

I don't know.

I got caught up in the middle of

something and I used bad

judgment, mom, and that's not

how you taught me to be.

And I'm really sorry.

I love you.

You can tell my mom I'm a good

son.

He seems like a good son.

All right. Oh, thank god.

Thanks, ma.

All right, I love you,

you bitch.

So, I win.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the worst son!

Narrator: No need for debate

here.

Murr is tonight's big loser.

Murr's our loser, and if

there's one thing he loves, it's

his computer.

We're here at the

downtown conference center.

So, for your punishment, buddy,

you're going to be teaching a

class on how to "optimize your

computer."

It'll appear to the students

that you're in command, but, in

reality, we are gonna be

controlling your laptop from

behind the scenes.

And there it is.

You'll have to explain

everything that pops up on your

screen.

Good luck, nerd herd.

Hi, everyone.

How are you today?

Great.

So, what I'm going to do

today is teach you some tips and

tricks on how to optimize your

computer to the best of its

ability.

Let me plug in my computer, and

we will get started.

Okay.

Oops.

So, what I'm going to do

today is teach you some tips and

away.

Let's take a look at my recycle

bin.

Throw out what you do not need.

For example...

"Barely legal. Gif"

so, uh...

I didn't need it anymore.

I threw it away.

"Gross Baltimore people.Jpg."

Has anyone been to Baltimore?

I'm from Baltimore.

So you know what I'm talking

about.

All righty.

Here you go, murr.

Oh. Forgive me.

I have a video call coming in.

Oh.

Oh, my god!

Hey!

Are we gonna do this or what?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my god!

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, my god!

They were some of my

scuba-diving buddies.

Oh, all right.

We're planning a dive in

about two weeks.

We're heading down to curacao.

Curacao.

So, let's just move past

that.

Now, computers are great for so

many things.

For instance...

Such as...

For instance...

Journal entries.

Journal entires.

Check this out.

"So, look, like in my notes

here..."

So, let's go to my notes

section.

Sometimes, you just want to hear

what your journal entry is.

Okay, go up to "start speaking."

Followed Melanie successfully

again.

She was wearing my favorite pink

sweater.

Looked much cuter than

yesterday.

Sidenote... I may have gotten

poison Ivy from hanging out in

the bushes for so long.

Make a doctor appointment.

Spee...

Text speech is a very useful

tool.

"Okay, so, I like making

movies.

Here's my latest.

Just take a look."

Now, this is a very typical

video-editing program.

Let's take a look at my latest

video.

"Sleepy time: My first film."

Oh, wow.

Mom, dad.

Uh-oh.

That's footage from Murray's

parents.

This is a vhs tape that

Murray had in his basement.

Look, look.

Happy making love to a

stuffed animal.

Hello?

Guys, not now.

We'll talk about the diving

later, okay?

We're not diving.

Not now.

Call us.

Just close out of that.

I'm going to go scuba diving, if

you will excuse me.