Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

Oh, boy.

Narrator: What's got sal on

the run?

Cannonball!

Narrator: Why is Joe turning

to a life of crime?

I kidnapped the

vice president.

Narrator: And why does

tonight's big loser have a

breakdown?

It is a bright day here at

mountain creek waterpark in

Vernon, New Jersey.

So bright, we'll be wearing

these sunglasses that have been

completely blacked out on the

inside so we can't see a single

thing.

The catch is, the other guys

will be telling us where to go,

what to say, and what to do.

We'll have to blindly do what

we're told and deal with the

consequences.

If you can't, you lose.

Look.

You can't see a single thing.

There's a new, real danger

doing it here versus in a park.

Oh, yeah.

You could drown.

Ooh, the cold water's on my

ankle.

It feels good.

I want to go in that pool so

bad.

All right, q, you want to put

them glasses on?

I've been practicing at home.

Walking around with your eyes

closed?

That's right.

Okay, q, take about three

steps forward, turn right, and

sit down Indian-style.

One, two, three.

Little more to your left,

by two inches.

Keep scooching to the left.

Keep going.

Scooch!

Keep going! Keep going!

Now the dad got up!

Keep scooching to your left.

Scooch to your left.

Scooch to your left.

Turn to your left.

Say, "hey, Donald, how was your

root canal?"

Hey, Donald, how was that

root canal?

Now take them off!

Take them off!

No! You're not a Donald at all!

Oh, hey! What's going on?!

You guys were just enjoying

yourselves, and then I came over

here and called you Donald.

All right, buddy.

Walk straight.

Keep walking straight, a

couple steps.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Turn to your left.

Okay, hold on.

Walk straight.

Just take, like, 10 steps

forward.

Okay, okay.

All right, guys.

I know there's a pool in front

of me.

I can smell it.

I can hear people playing.

I don't know what you're

talking about.

I said just take about

10 steps forward.

Yeah, I'm not going into the

pool, guys.

I'll take the loss.

I know that you don't want to

go in the pool.

I know that you don't want to go

in the pool.

Trust me.

You are near the pool, but you

can take a couple of steps.

Guys, I will take the loss.

Just 10 steps forward.

You're fine.

Just take one more baby step

near the pool.

Yes!

You still gonna take that

loss?

All right. Ready, murr?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god!

I forgot how dark it is.

Turn right.

I hear splashing all around

me.

Well, you know that you're

near a pool, right, buddy?

You're near a gigantic,

gigantic, triple olympic-size

swimming pool.

That's the splashing, buddy.

Now I'm in water.

Same thing.

That's the same pool.

I know. I know,

make a right, make a right,

make a right.

Go forward.

You, you.

Point... you, you.

You, you, you.

You, you.

You, you, you, you.

What's up?

I am not leaving here till I

have a tan like yours.

I am not leaving here until I

have a tan like yours.

Take those glasses off.

Oh! Oh!

Wow.

Wow. That was... That was...

Ridiculous.

Oh, my god.

Wow.

Go straight.

Straight.

Straight, straight, left,

left.

Left, left, left, left, left,

straight, straight, straight,

straight, left, left, straight.

Speed up, speed up, speed up!

Right, right, right, right.

Take your glasses off.

Gotcha!

Gotcha.

Enjoy the day.

It's a beautiful day.

Oh, man.

Murray, you're a little

fair-skinned.

I'm worried about you out there.

You're getting sunburnt.

Go straight there.

Make a right.

Okay, now stop.

There's a bottle there on the

lifeguard stand there, and

there's sunblock.

Grab that bottle.

Good, murr.

Now get some of that sunscreen

on your arms, buddy.

There you go.

Nice!

There you go, nice and deep.

This is mustard,

isn't it?

You

oh, my god!

You idiots.

Murr, we want you to get that

golden tan.

This is gross!

I hate mustard!

Goodbye, vision.

All right, Joe.

Turn to your left.

Now walk straight.

Walk right and say, "hey."

Hey, hey.

I thought I told you to stay

off my turf!

I thought I told you to stay

off my turf!

Yeah, you. Yeah, you.

Yeah, you.

You, you.

Now take the glasses off.

Oh, no.

No, you can go swim.

You can enjoy.

No, go ahead, buddy.

Walk straight.

There you go.

Straight a little bit more, a

little bit more.

Take a step forward.

There you go.

You feel the towel?

There you go, buddy.

Just dry your face with it, real

quick.

Go ahead. Dry your face.

Now take the sunglasses off.

Take them off.

Oh, my god!

That's your towel.

I thought this was mine.

You idiots.

Walk straight.

This way?

Yep, yep.

You'll feel there's a fence

coming.

Don't walk into it.

I put a shirt out there for you.

Go to the right.

No, a little bit more.

There, that's it.

That's your shirt.

Whose shirt is this?

Well, it's yours now.

Put it on.

These better not be fake

boobs.

All right, buddy.

All right, now make a right.

Hard right... there you go.

Go straight.

Keep going.

Keep going a little bit.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Point up a little bit.

Hey...

Hey...

you've been sitting on

your ass all day.

You've been sitting on

your ass all day.

I'm about to make you earn

your money.

I'm about to make you earn

your money.

Run into the water as fast as

you can.

Start yelling, "help."

Start yelling, "help."

Help! Help!

Help!

Turn around, 180 degrees.

Wave your hands over your

head.

Now start yelling, "what's

your problem, dude?"

What's your problem, dude?

Earn your money.

Earn that money!

Earn that money!

All right, now take off your

glasses.

Read your shirt.

Here we go, sal.

Left.

Okay, now straight.

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, now kneel down real low.

Get real low to the ground.

Lean forward more... more

forward.

Say, "excuse me.

Do you need mouth-to-mouth?"

Excuse me.

Do you need mouth-to-mouth?

What?

Oh, my god!

Take the glasses off!

She was sleeping!

We're very close to each

other's face.

Yeah.

It looked like you were in

trouble and you were passed out.

I just wanted to make sure you

were okay.

Oh, no, I'm just relaxing.

You look like you were passed

out.

No.

I mean, I don't know if people

who pass out move their feet

like this.

I didn't see you moving the

feet.

That's why.

Be careful.

Turn to your left 90 degrees.

Now go straight.

To your right a little bit.

To your right, to your right.

Now, sal, now I'm gonna want

you to lean down and reach your

hand out until you feel fabric,

and then start tugging downward.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

What do you mean, "no"?

Just a light tug, just a little

tug.

Come on. Don't be an

there's just a piece of

fabric hanging.

You want me to pull down

someone's bathing suit.

I ain't gonna do it.

No, no, no!

We wouldn't do that.

Reach forward. Reach out.

Now tug.

Keep tugging.

Keep tugging downward.

Tug with all your might.

I already know what's going

on here, and I'm very sorry

about it.

Sorry.

I'm gonna get killed.

I'm about to get killed right

now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't hit me.

Now take your glasses off.

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Thank you for not slaughtering

my face.

Sorry about that.

Run and do a cannonball.

No, guys.

But you got to yell,

"cannonball."

Run and yell, "cannonball."

Run and yell, "cannonball."

Guys, I don't want to hit

into anybody, guys.

We'll tell you when to

cannonball.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Run!

Cannonball!

Stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

All right, now turn around and

go back.

Run!

"Cannonball."

Cannonball!

Stop, stop.

All right, turn around.

Now run.

"Cannonball."

I...

Go!

Cannonball!

Stop. Stop!

Take your glasses off.

I'm sorry.

He doesn't even do anything.

He just says, "I'm sorry."

I'm done.

See you guys later.

What? You're giving up?

Later.

You're done?

The glasses have left the

water park!

I'm not going back.

That's a loss.

Narrator: So far, q and sal

are treading water on the

loser board.

Thesis... pools are gross.

Discuss.

A couple years ago, my

friend dared me to swim in his

pool in the winter... green and

swampy.

Two laps for 600 bucks... I was

allowed to use a condom.

I put a condom on.

I love how you just have to

protect that part.

You don't know what's gonna

swim up there.

You realize you have nose,

eyes, ears, mouth?

Today, Joe and q are going

head-to-head as authors, trying

to get their books published.

Their goal is to convince a

group of literary enthusiasts

that their book is the best.

Joe and I have no idea what

the books are because they were

created by sal and murr.

At the end, they'll ask the

group to vote for which book

they think should be published.

Whoever gets the fewest hands

raised loses.

You're going downtown.

Ow.

Oh, your ring!

Narrator: It's Joe and q in a

joker vs. Joker challenge.

What did you do? Llenge.

I don't even know what

happened to me today?

Joe, you could have took an

iron to that thing.

You look like an old turtle.

Q looks way better than me.

It's unbelievable.

It feels good to be on this

side of the equation.

Hi, guys.

Hello! Hi!

We're presenting our book to

groups.

And at the end, we're gonna

take a vote out of which one you

think should get published.

Okay?

So, my book here is...

It's, uh...

"Joey turncoat... how I

disgraced my country during

battle."

A memoir of sorts by me,

Joe gatto.

Why do you have a black suit

on?

I didn't want to wear the

uniform.

Well, they took it from you,

right?

Well, that, too, yeah.

Right.

You can show them yours.

Okay.

Mine is, uh...

It's a comic book called

"swamp ass thing."

Since q loves comics so

much...

We gave him a fresh take on

an original.

Well, fresh take?

It's about a scientist

afflicted with hellish swamp

ass, which, as, you know, is...

Right.

It's a sweaty badonkadonk.

Sweaty

badonkadonk!

Mine's more a story of truth.

You know, I was in, like, the

whole afghanistani area.

"Afghanistani"?

And I did a short tour in

Costa Rica.

It's a little island in the

middle of the Caribbean, but,

you never know.

Costa Rica is not an island.

You weren't there, man.

It was disgrace all over the

map, from tales of kidnapping

children to get out of

interrogations to "accidentally"

shooting a sergeant in the foot.

To get out of a tight pinch,

I'll trade a secret in a

heartbeat.

Tell me more about

"swamp ass thing."

One night he was working in

his lab, and lightning hit the

lab, and he fell into a vat

of...

Ass deodorant.

Ass deodorant?

And he emerged...

Swamp ass thing... that's right.

She's on board with it.

You got her.

He uses his new powers to

freshen up people's asses.

Well, he walks over to someone

and, like...

Phttt!

Oh, no!

Swamp ass gone.

And then, also, he fights crime.

Secondary.

Oh, anybody with swamp ass.

You've had it before?

Let me ask you something.

How great would it have been if

somebody had swamp-ass scents,

swooped right in, phttt!

I kidnapped the

vice president.

I'm a disgraciad'.

If you feel they should

publish the ongoing adventures

of "swamp ass thing," please

raise your hand now.

One, two, three!

If you think the company

should publish my book, please

raise your hand.

Oh! Five!

Q goes down.

Narrator: Looks like q is the

disgraciad' on the loser board.

How many comics you think

you've read at this point?

Thousands.

How many trees you think

you've planted?

Three.

How many lives you think

you've saved?

Seven.

How many people you think

you've loved?

Really?

Yeah.

One.

Today, we're sitting next to

strangers in Times Square and

asking them to save our seat.

But the bizarre reason we

need the seat saved will be

given to us by the other guys.

After we leave, another joker

will try to take that seat and

ask where the last guy went.

If the stranger doesn't

repeat the reason that you gave

to save the seat, you lose.

Bam!

Yeah, but you know what?

I got to run for one second.

Would you mind just keeping an

eye on this seat for one second?

If I don't watch

Patrick Swayze in "road house"

twice a day, I'm not myself.

See, I'll be right back.

I got to go watch "road house"

with Patrick Swayze.

If I don't watch Patrick Swayze

in "road house" at least twice a

day, I'm not myself.

You know what I mean?

I'll be right back.

Twice a day, "road house."

Just not yourself.

People like talking about the

beloved Patrick Swayze.

Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, it is?

Oh, okay.

By?

He's going to watch

"road house"?

Did he say why?

How long is "road house"?

So, you're watching the seat for

two hours while he watches

"road house"?

Yes, I love that guy!

All right, well, you know,

I'm more of a "dirty dancing"

guy myself, but I guess it's my

way or the highway.

Can I ask you a favor?

I have to run for one second.

Do you mind watching my seat?

I've been trying to find a seat.

He's working that old Murray

charm.

What do you mean?

He gave them a roofie?

I have to go run real quick.

I have to...

I have to go milk my

grandfather.

I got to go milk my grandfather

real quick.

He's a cow.

Yeah, he's just a block away.

I'll be right back.

Give me one second.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

Excuse me. Kay, okay, okay!

Is this seat taken?

Oh, it is?

It doesn't matter, really,

about the seat.

It maters about if she says back

to you where he went.

He went to go milk his

grandfather?

I'm not gonna argue with that.

Could I ask you a favor?

I have to run for a second.

Do you mind just watching my

chair for a second?

Okay, as long as you could, I

appreciate it.

I have to...

My aunt got her left breast

caught in the pool filter.

My aunt got her left breast

caught in the pool filter.

So, I got to go check on her

real quick.

The right one's free, but the

left one got sucked right in.

You know how strong those genies

are, right?

Just sucks it right in.

Only a block away.

So, I just want to make sure

that she's fine.

I'll be right back.

I appreciate it.

I'll be right back.

I wouldn't want to sit around

a pool with a breast floating

around.

I think I got him.

I think I got him.

Let's see.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, okay, thanks.

What the hell, man?!

Have a good day, buddy.

He goes, "take it."

Excuse me, ladies.

Could you save my seat for one

second?

I have to run and...

Meet my "cd" guy.

I got to go meet my "cd" guy.

To pick up some "Bob Marley."

To pick up some "Bob Marley,"

if you know what I mean.

But just save this for me?

A cd guy, huh?

I think they both are

whispering to each other right

now.

You just asked her, "can you

save my seat so I can buy

drugs?"

Sal, it's your goal to talk her

out of that seat.

Is there any way that I can

borrow that seat?

Oh, you're saving it?

Did he say what it was about?

Yeah!

Finally got a seat.

Waiting for a seat to open.

There's just so many people.

It's all about timing, I guess.

I actually got to run real

quick.

Do you mind watching the seat

for me real quick?

Is that cool?

I just got to...

I need to rewipe.

Just save the seat.

I'll be right back.

I just got to do a quick rewipe.

Oh, my god!

I got to do a rewipe.

Wasn't a clean break.

Oh!

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Just hold it for me.

Thank you.

Why am I always pooping when it

comes to you guys?

You need a quick rewipe, bud!

I think he'll let you know.

Let's find out.

Do you mind if I squeeze in?

Is that okay?

Thank you so much.

He just gave it up!

Thank you.

He just gave it up!

I wouldn't want me to come

back, either, if I had to do a

rewipe.

Nobody was saving this seat

for anybody.

Oh!

The rewipe!

So, you were saving a seat

'cause a guy told you he had to

go rewipe?

I'm done with my rewipe, bud.

You're out.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I told you it was gonna be a

quick rewipe.

Narrator: Murr lost, but q

takes the seat as tonight's big

loser.

Q thinks he has all the right

moves, but we know he doesn't.

So, we're sending you out,

buddy, in front of thousands of

baseball fans during the

seventh-inning stretch.

You have to entertain all of

them with the help of your

champion break-dancing crew...

Q's crew.

Break a leg, buddy.

No, break a dance.

Word.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Wow. Whose crew is that?

The q crew!

For your entertainment,

q's crew!

I think you see where this is

going, buddy.

I see the empty mat.

Oh, my god, they're

unbelievable!

I can't even do the least of

their moves.

He's standing sideways!

Oh, my god, the backwards

swerve!

Oh, my god.

You're the leader, buddy.

And now, joining q's crew,

the man himself, q!

Bust a move, buddy!

These guys.

I'm gonna my and

oh, my god!

Holy!

Yeah!

Oh, my god!

He's dancing.

Oh, my god!

And now, the moment you've

been waiting for.

It's q performing his signature

move, the dirty ham hock.

Dirty ham hock!

Dirty ham hock!

It is the dirty ham hock.

I hurt my back.

He wiped out.

All right, somebody help me.

Nailed it!