All language subtitles for Hot Date s02e10 The Wedding

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,650 --> 00:00:02,430 A pop original theory. 2 00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:09,590 These things rule. 3 00:00:09,890 --> 00:00:12,470 I have no clue why people complain about them so much. 4 00:00:12,770 --> 00:00:13,770 Excuse me. 5 00:00:13,990 --> 00:00:17,850 We deserve a joyride. We've got a new apartment. The wedding is mostly 6 00:00:18,090 --> 00:00:21,610 My relationship with my mom is eh, which is good for us. And you and I haven't 7 00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,210 been fighting. We've been fighting a little. 8 00:00:23,910 --> 00:00:25,710 Let's not fight about not fighting, hon. 9 00:00:26,250 --> 00:00:27,250 End of ride. 10 00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:29,170 Please return to charging dock. 11 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,080 Weird. I thought you could just kind of leave these things wherever. 12 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:35,600 I guess that's what we get for using the free ones that try to sell you stuff. 13 00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:37,520 Please eat at Arby's. 14 00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:41,800 Please use Edison Nutri -Gummies. Please return to charging dock. 15 00:00:42,420 --> 00:00:47,620 Okay, okay, lady. I get it. I'm on it. I'm lying. What could she possibly do? 16 00:00:48,860 --> 00:00:50,760 Activating self -drive beta. 17 00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:52,620 Beta? 18 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,120 Emily! 19 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,940 Emily, just let go! Jump up! Jump up! 20 00:01:28,580 --> 00:01:29,580 Okay, 21 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,740 stay calm. I'm calling an ambulance. 22 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,340 What? Don't call an ambulance if you want me to stay calm. We can't afford 23 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:37,378 It's fine. 24 00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:41,480 I'll walk it off. I've always had a resilient spirit. Hey, stay down, okay? 25 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,600 Insurance will cover it. 26 00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:44,860 Insurance? What do I look like, a Kardashian? 27 00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:47,380 911, what's your emergency? 28 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:48,760 You don't have insurance! 29 00:01:49,220 --> 00:01:51,400 I don't have a job, okay? 30 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,500 Anyways, how was I supposed to know that I was going to get... Thick or hurt. 31 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,980 You're constantly drunk. Your diet's entirely microwavable. You get pink eye 32 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:02,380 from every thrift store you go to. I know. I agree. I'm doing everything 33 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:03,800 Is this a prank call? 34 00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:07,900 If so, that is a class one misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail. 35 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,740 No, no, no, no, no. Nope, not a prank call. Real quick, though, how much would 36 00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:12,880 an ambulance cost? 37 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,340 Just a ballpark number. I could send you, like, a picture if you want to give 38 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,340 an estimate. 39 00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:21,760 We got a prank call on line seven. Nope. Have a good day. Bye. 40 00:02:25,070 --> 00:02:26,750 here before someone saves me in bankruptcy? 41 00:02:27,590 --> 00:02:31,510 Be careful, though. Use the handrails. Slippery. From my blood. 42 00:02:32,130 --> 00:02:37,350 Trust me. This is way better than a hospital. According to my research, 43 00:02:37,350 --> 00:02:42,030 with a doula is a healthier, more natural way to give birth. That's why I 44 00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:43,130 launched RoboDoula. 45 00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:48,330 With RoboDoula's help and the RoboDoula app, I'll be able to guide you through 46 00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:50,850 this process better than any medical professional. 47 00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:52,670 Okay, cool. Whatever. 48 00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:53,870 What's next? 49 00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:55,770 One sec, it's downloading a patch. 50 00:02:57,350 --> 00:03:03,250 Bryce, if your weird little robot messes up my pristine gynecologist 51 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:06,050 -complimented vagina, we're going to have a problem. 52 00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:09,550 Hey, don't worry, babe. I would never endanger you. 53 00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:11,830 Or my son. 54 00:03:14,630 --> 00:03:17,250 But, like, mostly me, right? 55 00:03:18,510 --> 00:03:19,510 Like, 56 00:03:20,770 --> 00:03:22,630 if you had to choose between me and... 57 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:24,390 Him, you would choose me, right? 58 00:03:24,690 --> 00:03:25,890 Why would you ask that? 59 00:03:26,530 --> 00:03:29,670 Wait. Actually, though, stop everything. 60 00:03:30,190 --> 00:03:31,710 I need something. 61 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,990 Anything. Water, a pillow, drugs? 62 00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:39,850 I need to look up all the famous people that were born today. 63 00:03:40,890 --> 00:03:42,470 Ooh, listen to this. Okay. 64 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,010 Famous Sagittarians that were born on this day. 65 00:03:47,330 --> 00:03:48,330 Wait. 66 00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:54,660 Um, crisis? 67 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:59,340 My baby is going to be a Sagittarius? 68 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:04,000 I hate Sagittarius. 69 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:10,540 They're, like, so self -centered, so dramatic, and so extra. 70 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,660 You can't relate to that? 71 00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:17,120 Okay, um, news flashback. I got my tarot read by a Twitter witch. 72 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:23,160 What? And she told me that Sag is literally my least compatible sign. 73 00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:27,160 Babe, this is our child you're talking about, okay? 74 00:04:27,420 --> 00:04:29,400 We're going to love it no matter what. 75 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,880 Oh, my God. Why are you so obsessed with this baby? You, like, never even met 76 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:37,300 it. You know what? I'm, like, actually having kind of, like, a change of heart, 77 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,420 and I don't think I'm going to get pregnant. 78 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:42,800 Oh, it is way too late for that, Bridget. Your contractions are getting 79 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:43,819 You need to push. 80 00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:46,260 No. I won't bring another Sag into this world. 81 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:47,680 Bridget, push. 82 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:48,920 No. 83 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,280 Wait. To live? 84 00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:57,140 If I can just hold out until midnight, he'll be a Capricorn, which I don't 85 00:04:57,260 --> 00:04:59,340 but I can live with. Bridget, push. 86 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,760 I'll hold it. 87 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,260 I can hold it. 88 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,220 No sag is coming out of this badge. 89 00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:11,840 Wake up. You can't sleep. You might have a concussion. 90 00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,360 That's hypothermia, dumbass. 91 00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:15,980 It's both. 92 00:05:16,810 --> 00:05:20,070 Anyway, bad news. Your GoFundMe did not have a successful launch. 93 00:05:20,430 --> 00:05:21,510 How much did we make? 94 00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:23,249 One dollar. 95 00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:26,730 And the only person that donated just did it so that they could comment and 96 00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:27,930 that you needed to go to the hospital. 97 00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:31,430 Then my post was flagged for gore and taken down because it went against their 98 00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:34,230 guidelines. I bet I get to keep that dollar. I earned it. 99 00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:36,290 God, this is ridiculous. 100 00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:40,930 I mean, if this happened six months from now, we'd be married and you'd be on my 101 00:05:40,930 --> 00:05:41,849 health insurance. 102 00:05:41,850 --> 00:05:44,530 We didn't even want to have this wedding. If it was up to us, we would 103 00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:45,530 eloped by now. 104 00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:46,780 Wait. 105 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:51,720 All that matters is that we're married by the time we go to the hospital. 106 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:56,260 Could we elope tonight? 107 00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,740 I mean, all we'd need would be a fifth hint in the paperwork, but we could get 108 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:02,740 that online. 109 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,600 Let's do it. 110 00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:08,600 Let's have a party at a bar like we wanted to from the start. 111 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,480 Also, I don't have any medication, and I'm in a lot of pain, so whiskey would 112 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:14,520 really nice right now. 113 00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:22,250 Emily Ashford, will you marry me? Like, right the fuck now? 114 00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:23,890 Hell yeah! 115 00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:25,310 Nice! 116 00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:30,110 Can't do that? Forgot about your arm. Sorry. Let's just do that football 117 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,110 hip kiss thing. 118 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:47,060 We said we wanted our wedding to be a party at a bar, and damn it, that's 119 00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:50,820 exactly what it's going to be. We need a venue, an officiant, a caterer, and a 120 00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,000 DJ on a budget and available right now. 121 00:06:53,220 --> 00:06:54,220 Think we can do it? 122 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:57,900 Maybe it's the expired medication I just bought on Craigslist talking, but maybe 123 00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,860 we can do anything. 124 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:07,040 Also, we, like, have to. Insurance companies are pretty stingy, so this 125 00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,040 got to hold up in court. 126 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,240 Yeah. 127 00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:13,580 Okay, I'm off to talk my mom into coming. And I'm off to find us a 128 00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:22,540 Ah! 129 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,840 Hi, 130 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,080 it's me, Emily. 131 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,260 Sorry, I was trying to kick the door in for dramatic effect. 132 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,760 Well, it was locked. 133 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,360 It's okay, though. 134 00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:35,900 I have insurance. 135 00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:40,580 Okay, no need to rub it in. Look, me and Murph need a wedding officiant tonight 136 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:43,780 because we need to get married right now so I can go to the hospital. 137 00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:48,840 Long story, but I fell off a ledge. Oh, actually, that's kind of all of it. 138 00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:52,920 Grant, I know you're ordained. Don't you straights have, like, priests who can 139 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,440 do that sort of thing? Okay, well, first off, I'm spiritual, not religious. 140 00:07:57,390 --> 00:08:01,750 Secondly, the Moon Priestess is booked through June. And thirdly, it needs to 141 00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:05,570 happen, like, right the fuck now. And you're the only person I know who can 142 00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:06,870 off something that crazy. 143 00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:08,329 Well, I was. 144 00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,010 Top of my class at Groundling. 145 00:08:10,710 --> 00:08:11,710 Introduction to improv. 146 00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:13,490 His teacher was in a Target commercial. 147 00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:16,790 I'll do it. 148 00:08:17,050 --> 00:08:19,810 Amazing! I'll text you the venue once we have it. 149 00:08:21,670 --> 00:08:23,150 Hey! Oh. 150 00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,640 Sorry. I figured since it was, like, already broken, it was kind of a free 151 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,640 -all, but I was wrong. 152 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,039 So that's the deal. 153 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,659 It's last minute, nothing fancy, but I'd like for you to be there. 154 00:08:36,419 --> 00:08:39,460 A party in a bar is not a wedding. 155 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,539 I will not attend these sham nuptials. 156 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:46,540 Look, the guy that was supposed to be my best man is now officiating the 157 00:08:46,540 --> 00:08:50,460 wedding, so the spot is open, and I'd like for you to do it. 158 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:51,800 So... 159 00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:53,510 Will you be my best man, Mom? 160 00:08:54,730 --> 00:08:56,990 I'm sorry. Do you not have any friends? 161 00:08:57,710 --> 00:09:02,210 I mean, 33 years old and your mother is your best friend. 162 00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,550 Yes or no, Mom? 163 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,790 Stop picking on me. 164 00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:07,470 Fine, yes. 165 00:09:08,030 --> 00:09:11,730 Thank you. And try to think of something nice to say about me for once, you mean 166 00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:12,730 old bag. 167 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,250 Love you. 168 00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,730 I love you too, my little disappointment. 169 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:22,919 Here you go. 170 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,900 Have a good morning. I mean night. 171 00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,300 Crap. 172 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,040 Hi. Do you guys do catering? Oh, sorry. I'm actually not allowed to give food to 173 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:31,919 homeless people. 174 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,680 God damn it. I have money, okay? Let me just... 175 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:40,600 Okay, I can't get it right now. 176 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,160 Back pocket, can you help me? 177 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:47,280 You mean like touch your butt? 178 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,620 Kid. I'm wearing a garbage bag. There's nothing sexy about this. Get in there. 179 00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:54,180 Okay. 180 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,540 I'm being respectful. 181 00:09:55,940 --> 00:10:00,040 I don't want a time schedule, so you might want to do it quicker. Thank you. 182 00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:01,239 All right. 183 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,660 How many donuts did that get me? 184 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:10,080 Okay, well, there's like $50 here, and it's cost you 185 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,120 because you're buying it from us. 186 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:18,020 Um, $10 for a dozen donuts, so $50 is a dozen donuts five times. 187 00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:22,820 No one teaching math? Okay, you know, great! I'll take it! I need them 188 00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:24,580 to a bar tonight before midnight. 189 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,900 Oh, uh, we actually don't do delivery and I don't have a car. 190 00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:29,220 Are you sure about that? 191 00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:34,440 What if I threw in a... pretty please? 192 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:39,120 Ouch. Ma 'am, I think your ear is bleeding a little bit. 193 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,250 Just... Bring the damn donuts to Dakota Dive Bar, okay? 194 00:10:43,590 --> 00:10:44,770 Fine. I'll call my mom. 195 00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:46,850 Thank you. You've been very helpful. Bye. 196 00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:48,270 Phone. Text. 197 00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:50,350 Murph. Catering done. 198 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:51,910 Texting Murph. 199 00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,149 Catering done. 200 00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:56,770 No. Shit. No. Don't send that. Shit. No. Don't send that. 201 00:10:57,330 --> 00:11:01,850 Text from Murph. I don't know what any of this means, but I am at the venue. 202 00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:05,990 Excuse me. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Remember me? 203 00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:09,350 What do you want? I'd like to rent this venue for a wedding. 204 00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:11,930 You want to get married in this shithole? 205 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:15,790 It's not a shithole, it's... Wait, I'm the customer. Why am I trying to 206 00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:19,430 you? How much? Well, you'd need to spend enough to make up for the fact that 207 00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:24,210 we'd be closed to the public for the evening, so... Like 68 bucks? 208 00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:29,030 You only make 68 bucks in a night? That's terrible. But great, yeah, we'll 209 00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:31,550 it. Yeah, sure. Let me just kick off the other customers. 210 00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:33,190 Hey, Cobb! 211 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:34,350 You gotta go! 212 00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:37,550 Is he dead? 213 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,780 I don't know. He usually at least groans when I yell at him. 214 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,800 Whatever. Cobb's on the guest list. I'm going to go start setting up. Oh, and 215 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,320 will you tell your friends that I'm pregnant? 216 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,500 I'm not showing yet, but it's great for tip. 217 00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,420 Thanks. 218 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,120 Cobb? 219 00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:00,460 Hi, I'm going to Dakota's high bar and I need to get there that pronto, right 220 00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:01,460 away. 221 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:02,520 Sounds good, fam. 222 00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:04,200 Do you want to DJ or should I? 223 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:10,080 I have an aux cord for iPhone, Droid, and a Zune. Remember Zune? I do. But if 224 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,620 you'd rather I do it, I am a bit of a DJ. Do house music mostly. It's kind of 225 00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:16,120 side hustle. Dude, we need to go! 226 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,519 Right, fam. 227 00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:18,940 Wait, did you say that you're a DJ? 228 00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:20,640 Yes. Yes, I'm a DJ. 229 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,700 I might have a job for you tonight. 230 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,700 This is the first time anyone's ever said that to me. 231 00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:26,580 Sad. 232 00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:30,160 Text Murph in a lift on my way. 233 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,500 Texting Murph, him a lift on Mayway. Motherfucker. 234 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:47,420 Hi, I'm sorry. Excuse me, my son Kyle asked me to deliver donuts to this shady 235 00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,420 establishment. 236 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,300 Is this a drug deal? 237 00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,740 I could sell you some weed. 238 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:57,040 Huh. Well, you know, I have heard it's good for menopause. Yeah, one of the 239 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,820 girls at Zumba swears by it. 240 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,260 Excuse her, miss. We'll just take the donut. Thanks. 241 00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:08,020 So, uh, what you got going on here tonight, huh? Looks like more than just 242 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:08,939 regular night. 243 00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:09,940 Putting on a wedding. 244 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:14,500 Oh, my God, that is so cute. Oh, you have to show me a picture of the bride. 245 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:15,800 Or the groom. 246 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:18,280 Whatever tickles your pickle, hon. It's a bride. 247 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,320 Oh, my goodness. 248 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,320 Oh, she is gorgeous. Look at her. That skin just glows. 249 00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:28,380 You know. 250 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,340 I used to look like that. 251 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,460 Really? Yeah. 252 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,520 Girls up to my chin defied gravity. I could go brawless without any 253 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:38,960 No, too much. 254 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,680 Anyways, I guess I'll just be going on my way. 255 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,500 Cool. Got a blue blood CV on. 256 00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:51,680 Unless, of course, you need some help setting up or, you know, a gentle 257 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,840 presence or, I don't know, someone to read a very religious poem. 258 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,420 Actually, my mom would love that. Okay, great. Proverbs 18 .22 is what I usually 259 00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:05,000 read. I'll give it to you on a cross -pitch afterward. 260 00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:07,320 All right, bitches! 261 00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,540 Let's have ourselves a wedding. 262 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,000 Bridget, push. 263 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:34,000 You need to focus up, Bridget. Technically, this is beta testing for 264 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,860 Robodula, and if something goes wrong, it's going to fuck my patent. 265 00:14:37,260 --> 00:14:40,720 I need drugs. 266 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,500 Robodula already administered the epidural. 267 00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:47,820 No, like, drugs. 268 00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:53,620 Like, in my clutch, the one on the zebra ottoman under the picture of Marilyn 269 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:58,180 Monroe, I have, like, some molly, some zany, some quaaludes, a couple fen -fen, 270 00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,400 maybe some fillers in there. 271 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,720 Go fetch him and just shove whatever in me. Bridget, this isn't my daughter's 272 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,400 cello recital. You can't intoxicate your way through it. 273 00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,080 Brycey, I just need to make it to midnight. 274 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,620 Brycey, will you help me? 275 00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:19,480 Please. Bridget, for once in your life, no one can do this for you. 276 00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:21,240 You need to push. 277 00:15:31,699 --> 00:15:32,699 Welcome, everyone. 278 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,760 I believe I speak for Emily and Murph when I say how happy we are to be 279 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:38,940 celebrating with all of you. 280 00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,860 If the couple could hold hands. 281 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:52,860 Oh, my God, it 282 00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:53,860 sounds like me applauding. 283 00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,900 Maybe we should do more of like a sustained fist bump. 284 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,240 Oh, good God, the sweating. 285 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,940 How about a slow dance thing? Just put your arms around her. 286 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:07,980 You guys are doing really good. 287 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,460 You're doing fine, Murph. This is all fine. 288 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,020 Sorry, that's my birth control alarm. 289 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,660 No babies yet. So sorry to disappoint. 290 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:33,699 It's locked. 291 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:34,699 What's your password? 292 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:35,800 I'm not telling you my password. 293 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,520 Are you serious? We're about to get married. We need some secrets. 294 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:43,020 Okay. We're about to get married. You don't trust me. You don't trust me. You 295 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,020 don't trust me. 296 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,960 Okay, fine. Just give me your thumb. 297 00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:47,780 Actually, 298 00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:51,960 it kind of popped back into place. Thank you. 299 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:54,880 Ray. 300 00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:56,580 Ray. 301 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,080 I'm right here, babe. 302 00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,600 Check. 303 00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:05,609 My phone. Did I get a text or anything? I heard a buzz. Did Rihanna respond to 304 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:06,429 my tweet? 305 00:17:06,430 --> 00:17:10,670 Babe, now is not the time. Bryce, I am literally giving birth right now. You 306 00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:11,670 will do what I say. 307 00:17:13,130 --> 00:17:14,849 It's just your alarm, babe. 308 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,390 He's not a Sag anymore? 309 00:17:19,310 --> 00:17:25,670 Holy shit, did you just... Well, I'll be damned. 310 00:17:26,890 --> 00:17:27,950 Oh, my God. 311 00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:29,650 I know. 312 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:30,870 He's amazing, right? 313 00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:32,940 No way. 314 00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:39,620 My ex is literally getting married right now. I need to be there. 315 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,540 Bridget, you just gave birth. 316 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:47,540 Yeah, and I will not be shamed for it. I am a mother, but I am still a woman. 317 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,480 This bitch just crapped out eight pounds, and you better believe I'm going 318 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,940 show off my post -baby body. 319 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:59,380 Do you want to at least meet your son first? 320 00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:03,750 He was in me for like nine months, so I'm pretty sure it was Matt. 321 00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:07,530 Why don't you guys have like a boys' night or something? 322 00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,330 Classic Capricorn. 323 00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:15,130 Bye, I'll be out late. My phone is almost dead. 324 00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:18,210 Hey, guy. 325 00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,170 You're going to be raised by a robo -nanny. 326 00:18:21,870 --> 00:18:23,290 Can you say progress? 327 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:25,470 Dearly beloved. 328 00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:29,770 We are gathered here today to join in the union of Emily and Murph. 329 00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:37,910 Today, we live lives the LGBTQ community of previous generations could only 330 00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:38,910 dream of. 331 00:18:39,230 --> 00:18:41,110 But the fight continues. 332 00:18:42,870 --> 00:18:47,150 Emily and Murph, love is the heart of that fight. 333 00:18:49,510 --> 00:18:53,750 Sorry, I was trying to reuse my sermon from a gay wedding, and I'm just now 334 00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,250 realizing it's not going to work at all. 335 00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:57,030 Improvise, babe. 336 00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,010 This teacher was in a Target commercial. 337 00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,510 Okay, guys, focus up. 338 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,030 Truthfully, I haven't known Emily and Murph long. 339 00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:09,350 They aren't always the best of friends. 340 00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:11,370 Hell, they're not always the best people. 341 00:19:13,330 --> 00:19:17,010 But they're the best for each other. 342 00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:19,830 They might have their squabbles, sure. 343 00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:24,730 But in the end, it isn't Emily and Murph versus each other. 344 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:27,900 It's Emily and Murph versus the world. 345 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,640 One time it was Emily and Murph versus the state of Louisiana, but you get my 346 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:33,640 point. 347 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:35,720 Aw, are you crying? 348 00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:38,220 Yeah. 349 00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:41,740 The Craigslist meds wore off and I'm in a lot of pain. 350 00:19:42,660 --> 00:19:46,520 Um, uh, let me see if I can reuse anything from this gay wedding. 351 00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:48,760 Hardship, discrimination. 352 00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:52,820 Uh, nope. None of this applies to straight people. 353 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,400 Do you guys have any vows or anything? 354 00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,660 Nah. Let's get making out. 355 00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:59,080 You may now kiss the bride. 356 00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:12,980 It's a lot of tongue. 357 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:32,620 the right oh god I think I broke my arm at least we have 358 00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:33,620 insurance 26893

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