Original subtitles

A pop original theory.

These things rule.

I have no clue why people complain about them so much.

Excuse me.

We deserve a joyride. We've got a new apartment. The wedding is mostly

My relationship with my mom is eh, which is good for us. And you and I haven't

been fighting. We've been fighting a little.

Let's not fight about not fighting, hon.

End of ride.

Please return to charging dock.

Weird. I thought you could just kind of leave these things wherever.

I guess that's what we get for using the free ones that try to sell you stuff.

Please eat at Arby's.

Please use Edison Nutri -Gummies. Please return to charging dock.

Okay, okay, lady. I get it. I'm on it. I'm lying. What could she possibly do?

Activating self -drive beta.

Beta?

Emily!

Emily, just let go! Jump up! Jump up!

Okay,

stay calm. I'm calling an ambulance.

What? Don't call an ambulance if you want me to stay calm. We can't afford

It's fine.

I'll walk it off. I've always had a resilient spirit. Hey, stay down, okay?

Insurance will cover it.

Insurance? What do I look like, a Kardashian?

911, what's your emergency?

You don't have insurance!

I don't have a job, okay?

Anyways, how was I supposed to know that I was going to get... Thick or hurt.

You're constantly drunk. Your diet's entirely microwavable. You get pink eye

from every thrift store you go to. I know. I agree. I'm doing everything

Is this a prank call?

If so, that is a class one misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail.

No, no, no, no, no. Nope, not a prank call. Real quick, though, how much would

an ambulance cost?

Just a ballpark number. I could send you, like, a picture if you want to give

an estimate.

We got a prank call on line seven. Nope. Have a good day. Bye.

here before someone saves me in bankruptcy?

Be careful, though. Use the handrails. Slippery. From my blood.

Trust me. This is way better than a hospital. According to my research,

with a doula is a healthier, more natural way to give birth. That's why I

launched RoboDoula.

With RoboDoula's help and the RoboDoula app, I'll be able to guide you through

this process better than any medical professional.

Okay, cool. Whatever.

What's next?

One sec, it's downloading a patch.

Bryce, if your weird little robot messes up my pristine gynecologist

-complimented vagina, we're going to have a problem.

Hey, don't worry, babe. I would never endanger you.

Or my son.

But, like, mostly me, right?

Like,

if you had to choose between me and...

Him, you would choose me, right?

Why would you ask that?

Wait. Actually, though, stop everything.

I need something.

Anything. Water, a pillow, drugs?

I need to look up all the famous people that were born today.

Ooh, listen to this. Okay.

Famous Sagittarians that were born on this day.

Wait.

Um, crisis?

My baby is going to be a Sagittarius?

I hate Sagittarius.

They're, like, so self -centered, so dramatic, and so extra.

You can't relate to that?

Okay, um, news flashback. I got my tarot read by a Twitter witch.

What? And she told me that Sag is literally my least compatible sign.

Babe, this is our child you're talking about, okay?

We're going to love it no matter what.

Oh, my God. Why are you so obsessed with this baby? You, like, never even met

it. You know what? I'm, like, actually having kind of, like, a change of heart,

and I don't think I'm going to get pregnant.

Oh, it is way too late for that, Bridget. Your contractions are getting

You need to push.

No. I won't bring another Sag into this world.

Bridget, push.

No.

Wait. To live?

If I can just hold out until midnight, he'll be a Capricorn, which I don't

but I can live with. Bridget, push.

I'll hold it.

I can hold it.

No sag is coming out of this badge.

Wake up. You can't sleep. You might have a concussion.

That's hypothermia, dumbass.

It's both.

Anyway, bad news. Your GoFundMe did not have a successful launch.

How much did we make?

One dollar.

And the only person that donated just did it so that they could comment and

that you needed to go to the hospital.

Then my post was flagged for gore and taken down because it went against their

guidelines. I bet I get to keep that dollar. I earned it.

God, this is ridiculous.

I mean, if this happened six months from now, we'd be married and you'd be on my

health insurance.

We didn't even want to have this wedding. If it was up to us, we would

eloped by now.

Wait.

All that matters is that we're married by the time we go to the hospital.

Could we elope tonight?

I mean, all we'd need would be a fifth hint in the paperwork, but we could get

that online.

Let's do it.

Let's have a party at a bar like we wanted to from the start.

Also, I don't have any medication, and I'm in a lot of pain, so whiskey would

really nice right now.

Emily Ashford, will you marry me? Like, right the fuck now?

Hell yeah!

Nice!

Can't do that? Forgot about your arm. Sorry. Let's just do that football

hip kiss thing.

We said we wanted our wedding to be a party at a bar, and damn it, that's

exactly what it's going to be. We need a venue, an officiant, a caterer, and a

DJ on a budget and available right now.

Think we can do it?

Maybe it's the expired medication I just bought on Craigslist talking, but maybe

we can do anything.

Also, we, like, have to. Insurance companies are pretty stingy, so this

got to hold up in court.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm off to talk my mom into coming. And I'm off to find us a

Ah!

Hi,

it's me, Emily.

Sorry, I was trying to kick the door in for dramatic effect.

Well, it was locked.

It's okay, though.

I have insurance.

Okay, no need to rub it in. Look, me and Murph need a wedding officiant tonight

because we need to get married right now so I can go to the hospital.

Long story, but I fell off a ledge. Oh, actually, that's kind of all of it.

Grant, I know you're ordained. Don't you straights have, like, priests who can

do that sort of thing? Okay, well, first off, I'm spiritual, not religious.

Secondly, the Moon Priestess is booked through June. And thirdly, it needs to

happen, like, right the fuck now. And you're the only person I know who can

off something that crazy.

Well, I was.

Top of my class at Groundling.

Introduction to improv.

His teacher was in a Target commercial.

I'll do it.

Amazing! I'll text you the venue once we have it.

Hey! Oh.

Sorry. I figured since it was, like, already broken, it was kind of a free

-all, but I was wrong.

So that's the deal.

It's last minute, nothing fancy, but I'd like for you to be there.

A party in a bar is not a wedding.

I will not attend these sham nuptials.

Look, the guy that was supposed to be my best man is now officiating the

wedding, so the spot is open, and I'd like for you to do it.

So...

Will you be my best man, Mom?

I'm sorry. Do you not have any friends?

I mean, 33 years old and your mother is your best friend.

Yes or no, Mom?

Stop picking on me.

Fine, yes.

Thank you. And try to think of something nice to say about me for once, you mean

old bag.

Love you.

I love you too, my little disappointment.

Here you go.

Have a good morning. I mean night.

Crap.

Hi. Do you guys do catering? Oh, sorry. I'm actually not allowed to give food to

homeless people.

God damn it. I have money, okay? Let me just...

Okay, I can't get it right now.

Back pocket, can you help me?

You mean like touch your butt?

Kid. I'm wearing a garbage bag. There's nothing sexy about this. Get in there.

Okay.

I'm being respectful.

I don't want a time schedule, so you might want to do it quicker. Thank you.

All right.

How many donuts did that get me?

Okay, well, there's like $50 here, and it's cost you

because you're buying it from us.

Um, $10 for a dozen donuts, so $50 is a dozen donuts five times.

No one teaching math? Okay, you know, great! I'll take it! I need them

to a bar tonight before midnight.

Oh, uh, we actually don't do delivery and I don't have a car.

Are you sure about that?

What if I threw in a... pretty please?

Ouch. Ma 'am, I think your ear is bleeding a little bit.

Just... Bring the damn donuts to Dakota Dive Bar, okay?

Fine. I'll call my mom.

Thank you. You've been very helpful. Bye.

Phone. Text.

Murph. Catering done.

Texting Murph.

Catering done.

No. Shit. No. Don't send that. Shit. No. Don't send that.

Text from Murph. I don't know what any of this means, but I am at the venue.

Excuse me. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Remember me?

What do you want? I'd like to rent this venue for a wedding.

You want to get married in this shithole?

It's not a shithole, it's... Wait, I'm the customer. Why am I trying to

you? How much? Well, you'd need to spend enough to make up for the fact that

we'd be closed to the public for the evening, so... Like 68 bucks?

You only make 68 bucks in a night? That's terrible. But great, yeah, we'll

it. Yeah, sure. Let me just kick off the other customers.

Hey, Cobb!

You gotta go!

Is he dead?

I don't know. He usually at least groans when I yell at him.

Whatever. Cobb's on the guest list. I'm going to go start setting up. Oh, and

will you tell your friends that I'm pregnant?

I'm not showing yet, but it's great for tip.

Thanks.

Cobb?

Hi, I'm going to Dakota's high bar and I need to get there that pronto, right

away.

Sounds good, fam.

Do you want to DJ or should I?

I have an aux cord for iPhone, Droid, and a Zune. Remember Zune? I do. But if

you'd rather I do it, I am a bit of a DJ. Do house music mostly. It's kind of

side hustle. Dude, we need to go!

Right, fam.

Wait, did you say that you're a DJ?

Yes. Yes, I'm a DJ.

I might have a job for you tonight.

This is the first time anyone's ever said that to me.

Sad.

Text Murph in a lift on my way.

Texting Murph, him a lift on Mayway. Motherfucker.

Hi, I'm sorry. Excuse me, my son Kyle asked me to deliver donuts to this shady

establishment.

Is this a drug deal?

I could sell you some weed.

Huh. Well, you know, I have heard it's good for menopause. Yeah, one of the

girls at Zumba swears by it.

Excuse her, miss. We'll just take the donut. Thanks.

So, uh, what you got going on here tonight, huh? Looks like more than just

regular night.

Putting on a wedding.

Oh, my God, that is so cute. Oh, you have to show me a picture of the bride.

Or the groom.

Whatever tickles your pickle, hon. It's a bride.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, she is gorgeous. Look at her. That skin just glows.

You know.

I used to look like that.

Really? Yeah.

Girls up to my chin defied gravity. I could go brawless without any

No, too much.

Anyways, I guess I'll just be going on my way.

Cool. Got a blue blood CV on.

Unless, of course, you need some help setting up or, you know, a gentle

presence or, I don't know, someone to read a very religious poem.

Actually, my mom would love that. Okay, great. Proverbs 18 .22 is what I usually

read. I'll give it to you on a cross -pitch afterward.

All right, bitches!

Let's have ourselves a wedding.

Bridget, push.

You need to focus up, Bridget. Technically, this is beta testing for

Robodula, and if something goes wrong, it's going to fuck my patent.

I need drugs.

Robodula already administered the epidural.

No, like, drugs.

Like, in my clutch, the one on the zebra ottoman under the picture of Marilyn

Monroe, I have, like, some molly, some zany, some quaaludes, a couple fen -fen,

maybe some fillers in there.

Go fetch him and just shove whatever in me. Bridget, this isn't my daughter's

cello recital. You can't intoxicate your way through it.

Brycey, I just need to make it to midnight.

Brycey, will you help me?

Please. Bridget, for once in your life, no one can do this for you.

You need to push.

Welcome, everyone.

I believe I speak for Emily and Murph when I say how happy we are to be

celebrating with all of you.

If the couple could hold hands.

Oh, my God, it

sounds like me applauding.

Maybe we should do more of like a sustained fist bump.

Oh, good God, the sweating.

How about a slow dance thing? Just put your arms around her.

You guys are doing really good.

You're doing fine, Murph. This is all fine.

Sorry, that's my birth control alarm.

No babies yet. So sorry to disappoint.

It's locked.

What's your password?

I'm not telling you my password.

Are you serious? We're about to get married. We need some secrets.

Okay. We're about to get married. You don't trust me. You don't trust me. You

don't trust me.

Okay, fine. Just give me your thumb.

Actually,

it kind of popped back into place. Thank you.

Ray.

Ray.

I'm right here, babe.

Check.

My phone. Did I get a text or anything? I heard a buzz. Did Rihanna respond to

my tweet?

Babe, now is not the time. Bryce, I am literally giving birth right now. You

will do what I say.

It's just your alarm, babe.

He's not a Sag anymore?

Holy shit, did you just... Well, I'll be damned.

Oh, my God.

I know.

He's amazing, right?

No way.

My ex is literally getting married right now. I need to be there.

Bridget, you just gave birth.

Yeah, and I will not be shamed for it. I am a mother, but I am still a woman.

This bitch just crapped out eight pounds, and you better believe I'm going

show off my post -baby body.

Do you want to at least meet your son first?

He was in me for like nine months, so I'm pretty sure it was Matt.

Why don't you guys have like a boys' night or something?

Classic Capricorn.

Bye, I'll be out late. My phone is almost dead.

Hey, guy.

You're going to be raised by a robo -nanny.

Can you say progress?

Dearly beloved.

We are gathered here today to join in the union of Emily and Murph.

Today, we live lives the LGBTQ community of previous generations could only

dream of.

But the fight continues.

Emily and Murph, love is the heart of that fight.

Sorry, I was trying to reuse my sermon from a gay wedding, and I'm just now

realizing it's not going to work at all.

Improvise, babe.

This teacher was in a Target commercial.

Okay, guys, focus up.

Truthfully, I haven't known Emily and Murph long.

They aren't always the best of friends.

Hell, they're not always the best people.

But they're the best for each other.

They might have their squabbles, sure.

But in the end, it isn't Emily and Murph versus each other.

It's Emily and Murph versus the world.

One time it was Emily and Murph versus the state of Louisiana, but you get my

point.

Aw, are you crying?

Yeah.

The Craigslist meds wore off and I'm in a lot of pain.

Um, uh, let me see if I can reuse anything from this gay wedding.

Hardship, discrimination.

Uh, nope. None of this applies to straight people.

Do you guys have any vows or anything?

Nah. Let's get making out.

You may now kiss the bride.

It's a lot of tongue.

the right oh god I think I broke my arm at least we have

insurance