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A pop original theory.
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00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:09,590
These things rule.
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00:00:09,890 --> 00:00:12,540
I have no clue why people complain about
them so much.
4
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Excuse me.
5
00:00:13,990 --> 00:00:17,850
We deserve a joyride. We've got a new
apartment. The wedding is mostly
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00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,609
My relationship with my mom is eh, which
is good for us. And you and I haven't
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00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,840
been fighting. We've been fighting a
little.
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00:00:23,910 --> 00:00:25,890
Let's not fight about not fighting, hon.
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End of ride.
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00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:29,170
Please return to charging dock.
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Weird. I thought you could just kind of
leave these things wherever.
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00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:35,979
I guess that's what we get for using the
free ones that try to sell you stuff.
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00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:37,520
Please eat at Arby's.
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00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:41,800
Please use Edison Nutri -Gummies. Please
return to charging dock.
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00:00:42,420 --> 00:00:47,620
Okay, okay, lady. I get it. I'm on it.
I'm lying. What could she possibly do?
16
00:00:48,860 --> 00:00:50,760
Activating self -drive beta.
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00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:52,670
Beta?
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00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,170
Emily!
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00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,940
Emily, just let go! Jump up! Jump up!
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Okay,
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stay calm. I'm calling an ambulance.
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What? Don't call an ambulance if you
want me to stay calm. We can't afford
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00:01:36,341 --> 00:01:37,379
It's fine.
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00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:41,480
I'll walk it off. I've always had a
resilient spirit. Hey, stay down, okay?
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00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,800
Insurance will cover it.
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00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,170
Insurance? What do I look like, a
Kardashian?
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911, what's your emergency?
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You don't have insurance!
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I don't have a job, okay?
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Anyways, how was I supposed to know that
I was going to get... Thick or hurt.
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00:01:55,501 --> 00:01:58,979
You're constantly drunk. Your diet's
entirely microwavable. You get pink eye
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from every thrift store you go to. I
know. I agree. I'm doing everything
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00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:03,850
Is this a prank call?
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00:02:04,380 --> 00:02:08,050
If so, that is a class one misdemeanor
punishable by up to one year in jail.
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00:02:08,051 --> 00:02:11,739
No, no, no, no, no. Nope, not a prank
call. Real quick, though, how much would
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00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:12,880
an ambulance cost?
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00:02:12,881 --> 00:02:16,339
Just a ballpark number. I could send
you, like, a picture if you want to give
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an estimate.
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00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:21,760
We got a prank call on line seven. Nope.
Have a good day. Bye.
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00:02:25,070 --> 00:02:27,360
here before someone saves me in
bankruptcy?
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00:02:27,590 --> 00:02:31,510
Be careful, though. Use the handrails.
Slippery. From my blood.
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Trust me. This is way better than a
hospital. According to my research,
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with a doula is a healthier, more
natural way to give birth. That's why I
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launched RoboDoula.
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00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:48,329
With RoboDoula's help and the RoboDoula
app, I'll be able to guide you through
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00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:50,980
this process better than any medical
professional.
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00:02:51,350 --> 00:02:52,670
Okay, cool. Whatever.
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00:02:52,870 --> 00:02:53,920
What's next?
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00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:55,930
One sec, it's downloading a patch.
50
00:02:57,350 --> 00:03:03,249
Bryce, if your weird little robot messes
up my pristine gynecologist
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-complimented vagina, we're going to
have a problem.
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00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:09,550
Hey, don't worry, babe. I would never
endanger you.
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Or my son.
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00:03:14,630 --> 00:03:17,250
But, like, mostly me, right?
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Like,
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if you had to choose between me and...
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Him, you would choose me, right?
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Why would you ask that?
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Wait. Actually, though, stop everything.
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I need something.
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Anything. Water, a pillow, drugs?
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00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:39,850
I need to look up all the famous people
that were born today.
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00:03:40,890 --> 00:03:42,470
Ooh, listen to this. Okay.
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Famous Sagittarians that were born on
this day.
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Wait.
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00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:54,660
Um, crisis?
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00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:59,340
My baby is going to be a Sagittarius?
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I hate Sagittarius.
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00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:10,540
They're, like, so self -centered, so
dramatic, and so extra.
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00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,660
You can't relate to that?
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00:04:12,860 --> 00:04:17,120
Okay, um, news flashback. I got my tarot
read by a Twitter witch.
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00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:23,160
What? And she told me that Sag is
literally my least compatible sign.
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Babe, this is our child you're talking
about, okay?
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We're going to love it no matter what.
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00:04:29,401 --> 00:04:32,879
Oh, my God. Why are you so obsessed with
this baby? You, like, never even met
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00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:37,300
it. You know what? I'm, like, actually
having kind of, like, a change of heart,
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00:04:37,301 --> 00:04:38,659
and I don't think I'm going to get
pregnant.
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00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:42,800
Oh, it is way too late for that,
Bridget. Your contractions are getting
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You need to push.
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00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:46,260
No. I won't bring another Sag into this
world.
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00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:47,730
Bridget, push.
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No.
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00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,280
Wait. To live?
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00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:57,140
If I can just hold out until midnight,
he'll be a Capricorn, which I don't
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00:04:57,260 --> 00:04:59,340
but I can live with. Bridget, push.
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00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,810
I'll hold it.
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00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,260
I can hold it.
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00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,220
No sag is coming out of this badge.
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00:05:07,980 --> 00:05:11,840
Wake up. You can't sleep. You might have
a concussion.
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00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,360
That's hypothermia, dumbass.
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00:05:14,980 --> 00:05:16,030
It's both.
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00:05:16,810 --> 00:05:20,070
Anyway, bad news. Your GoFundMe did not
have a successful launch.
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00:05:20,430 --> 00:05:21,510
How much did we make?
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00:05:21,511 --> 00:05:23,249
One dollar.
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00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:26,729
And the only person that donated just
did it so that they could comment and
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00:05:26,730 --> 00:05:28,269
that you needed to go to the hospital.
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00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:31,429
Then my post was flagged for gore and
taken down because it went against their
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00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:34,230
guidelines. I bet I get to keep that
dollar. I earned it.
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00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:36,290
God, this is ridiculous.
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00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:40,929
I mean, if this happened six months from
now, we'd be married and you'd be on my
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health insurance.
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00:05:41,850 --> 00:05:44,529
We didn't even want to have this
wedding. If it was up to us, we would
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00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:45,580
eloped by now.
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00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:46,830
Wait.
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All that matters is that we're married
by the time we go to the hospital.
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Could we elope tonight?
107
00:05:57,260 --> 00:06:01,739
I mean, all we'd need would be a fifth
hint in the paperwork, but we could get
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00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:02,790
that online.
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00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,650
Let's do it.
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00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:08,600
Let's have a party at a bar like we
wanted to from the start.
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00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,479
Also, I don't have any medication, and
I'm in a lot of pain, so whiskey would
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00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:14,560
really nice right now.
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Emily Ashford, will you marry me? Like,
right the fuck now?
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Hell yeah!
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Nice!
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Can't do that? Forgot about your arm.
Sorry. Let's just do that football
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hip kiss thing.
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00:06:40,231 --> 00:06:47,059
We said we wanted our wedding to be a
party at a bar, and damn it, that's
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00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:50,819
exactly what it's going to be. We need a
venue, an officiant, a caterer, and a
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00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,000
DJ on a budget and available right now.
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Think we can do it?
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00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:57,899
Maybe it's the expired medication I just
bought on Craigslist talking, but maybe
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we can do anything.
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00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:07,039
Also, we, like, have to. Insurance
companies are pretty stingy, so this
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00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:08,120
got to hold up in court.
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00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,290
Yeah.
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00:07:10,140 --> 00:07:13,580
Okay, I'm off to talk my mom into
coming. And I'm off to find us a
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Ah!
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00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:25,890
Hi,
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00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,130
it's me, Emily.
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Sorry, I was trying to kick the door in
for dramatic effect.
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Well, it was locked.
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00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,410
It's okay, though.
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00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:35,950
I have insurance.
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00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:40,579
Okay, no need to rub it in. Look, me and
Murph need a wedding officiant tonight
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00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:43,890
because we need to get married right now
so I can go to the hospital.
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00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:48,840
Long story, but I fell off a ledge. Oh,
actually, that's kind of all of it.
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00:07:48,841 --> 00:07:52,919
Grant, I know you're ordained. Don't you
straights have, like, priests who can
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00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,710
do that sort of thing? Okay, well, first
off, I'm spiritual, not religious.
140
00:07:57,390 --> 00:08:01,749
Secondly, the Moon Priestess is booked
through June. And thirdly, it needs to
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00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:05,569
happen, like, right the fuck now. And
you're the only person I know who can
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00:08:05,570 --> 00:08:06,870
off something that crazy.
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00:08:06,871 --> 00:08:08,329
Well, I was.
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00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,010
Top of my class at Groundling.
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00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:11,909
Introduction to improv.
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His teacher was in a Target commercial.
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00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:16,840
I'll do it.
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00:08:17,050 --> 00:08:19,810
Amazing! I'll text you the venue once we
have it.
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00:08:21,670 --> 00:08:23,150
Hey! Oh.
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00:08:23,151 --> 00:08:26,639
Sorry. I figured since it was, like,
already broken, it was kind of a free
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00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,690
-all, but I was wrong.
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So that's the deal.
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It's last minute, nothing fancy, but I'd
like for you to be there.
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A party in a bar is not a wedding.
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00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,539
I will not attend these sham nuptials.
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Look, the guy that was supposed to be my
best man is now officiating the
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00:08:46,540 --> 00:08:50,460
wedding, so the spot is open, and I'd
like for you to do it.
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00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:51,850
So...
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Will you be my best man, Mom?
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00:08:54,730 --> 00:08:56,990
I'm sorry. Do you not have any friends?
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00:08:57,710 --> 00:09:02,210
I mean, 33 years old and your mother is
your best friend.
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00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,580
Yes or no, Mom?
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00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,790
Stop picking on me.
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00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:07,520
Fine, yes.
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00:09:07,521 --> 00:09:11,729
Thank you. And try to think of something
nice to say about me for once, you mean
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00:09:11,730 --> 00:09:12,780
old bag.
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00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,300
Love you.
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00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,730
I love you too, my little
disappointment.
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Here you go.
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00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,900
Have a good morning. I mean night.
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00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:26,350
Crap.
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00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,039
Hi. Do you guys do catering? Oh, sorry.
I'm actually not allowed to give food to
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00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:31,919
homeless people.
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00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,679
God damn it. I have money, okay? Let me
just...
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00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:40,600
Okay, I can't get it right now.
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00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,360
Back pocket, can you help me?
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00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:47,280
You mean like touch your butt?
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00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:51,620
Kid. I'm wearing a garbage bag. There's
nothing sexy about this. Get in there.
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00:09:53,180 --> 00:09:54,230
Okay.
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00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:55,540
I'm being respectful.
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00:09:55,940 --> 00:10:00,040
I don't want a time schedule, so you
might want to do it quicker. Thank you.
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00:10:00,041 --> 00:10:01,239
All right.
183
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,800
How many donuts did that get me?
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00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:10,079
Okay, well, there's like $50 here, and
it's cost you
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00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,120
because you're buying it from us.
186
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:18,020
Um, $10 for a dozen donuts, so $50 is a
dozen donuts five times.
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00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:22,819
No one teaching math? Okay, you know,
great! I'll take it! I need them
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00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:24,580
to a bar tonight before midnight.
189
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,900
Oh, uh, we actually don't do delivery
and I don't have a car.
190
00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:29,420
Are you sure about that?
191
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:34,440
What if I threw in a... pretty please?
192
00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:39,120
Ouch. Ma 'am, I think your ear is
bleeding a little bit.
193
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:43,250
Just... Bring the damn donuts to Dakota
Dive Bar, okay?
194
00:10:43,590 --> 00:10:44,770
Fine. I'll call my mom.
195
00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:47,100
Thank you. You've been very helpful.
Bye.
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00:10:47,190 --> 00:10:48,270
Phone. Text.
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00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:50,350
Murph. Catering done.
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00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:51,960
Texting Murph.
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00:10:51,961 --> 00:10:53,149
Catering done.
200
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:56,770
No. Shit. No. Don't send that. Shit. No.
Don't send that.
201
00:10:57,330 --> 00:11:01,850
Text from Murph. I don't know what any
of this means, but I am at the venue.
202
00:11:02,610 --> 00:11:05,990
Excuse me. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Remember
me?
203
00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:09,580
What do you want? I'd like to rent this
venue for a wedding.
204
00:11:10,030 --> 00:11:12,140
You want to get married in this
shithole?
205
00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:15,789
It's not a shithole, it's... Wait, I'm
the customer. Why am I trying to
206
00:11:15,790 --> 00:11:19,429
you? How much? Well, you'd need to spend
enough to make up for the fact that
207
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:24,210
we'd be closed to the public for the
evening, so... Like 68 bucks?
208
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:29,029
You only make 68 bucks in a night?
That's terrible. But great, yeah, we'll
209
00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:31,740
it. Yeah, sure. Let me just kick off the
other customers.
210
00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:33,240
Hey, Cobb!
211
00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:34,400
You gotta go!
212
00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:37,600
Is he dead?
213
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,790
I don't know. He usually at least groans
when I yell at him.
214
00:11:40,791 --> 00:11:45,799
Whatever. Cobb's on the guest list. I'm
going to go start setting up. Oh, and
215
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,539
will you tell your friends that I'm
pregnant?
216
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,710
I'm not showing yet, but it's great for
tip.
217
00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,470
Thanks.
218
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,170
Cobb?
219
00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:00,459
Hi, I'm going to Dakota's high bar and I
need to get there that pronto, right
220
00:12:00,460 --> 00:12:01,479
away.
221
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:02,530
Sounds good, fam.
222
00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:04,200
Do you want to DJ or should I?
223
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:10,079
I have an aux cord for iPhone, Droid,
and a Zune. Remember Zune? I do. But if
224
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,619
you'd rather I do it, I am a bit of a
DJ. Do house music mostly. It's kind of
225
00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:16,180
side hustle. Dude, we need to go!
226
00:12:16,181 --> 00:12:17,519
Right, fam.
227
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,200
Wait, did you say that you're a DJ?
228
00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:20,640
Yes. Yes, I'm a DJ.
229
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,700
I might have a job for you tonight.
230
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,579
This is the first time anyone's ever
said that to me.
231
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:26,630
Sad.
232
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:30,160
Text Murph in a lift on my way.
233
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,500
Texting Murph, him a lift on Mayway.
Motherfucker.
234
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:47,419
Hi, I'm sorry. Excuse me, my son Kyle
asked me to deliver donuts to this shady
235
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:48,470
establishment.
236
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,300
Is this a drug deal?
237
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,740
I could sell you some weed.
238
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:57,039
Huh. Well, you know, I have heard it's
good for menopause. Yeah, one of the
239
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,820
girls at Zumba swears by it.
240
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,730
Excuse her, miss. We'll just take the
donut. Thanks.
241
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:08,019
So, uh, what you got going on here
tonight, huh? Looks like more than just
242
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:08,939
regular night.
243
00:13:08,940 --> 00:13:09,990
Putting on a wedding.
244
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:14,500
Oh, my God, that is so cute. Oh, you
have to show me a picture of the bride.
245
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:15,850
Or the groom.
246
00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:18,390
Whatever tickles your pickle, hon. It's
a bride.
247
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,320
Oh, my goodness.
248
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,320
Oh, she is gorgeous. Look at her. That
skin just glows.
249
00:13:27,380 --> 00:13:28,430
You know.
250
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,340
I used to look like that.
251
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,460
Really? Yeah.
252
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,520
Girls up to my chin defied gravity. I
could go brawless without any
253
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:38,960
No, too much.
254
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,680
Anyways, I guess I'll just be going on
my way.
255
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,500
Cool. Got a blue blood CV on.
256
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:51,679
Unless, of course, you need some help
setting up or, you know, a gentle
257
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,840
presence or, I don't know, someone to
read a very religious poem.
258
00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,419
Actually, my mom would love that. Okay,
great. Proverbs 18 .22 is what I usually
259
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:05,010
read. I'll give it to you on a cross
-pitch afterward.
260
00:14:06,140 --> 00:14:07,320
All right, bitches!
261
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:10,540
Let's have ourselves a wedding.
262
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,050
Bridget, push.
263
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:33,999
You need to focus up, Bridget.
Technically, this is beta testing for
264
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,259
Robodula, and if something goes wrong,
it's going to fuck my patent.
265
00:14:37,260 --> 00:14:40,720
I need drugs.
266
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,070
Robodula already administered the
epidural.
267
00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:47,820
No, like, drugs.
268
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:53,619
Like, in my clutch, the one on the zebra
ottoman under the picture of Marilyn
269
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:58,180
Monroe, I have, like, some molly, some
zany, some quaaludes, a couple fen -fen,
270
00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,660
maybe some fillers in there.
271
00:14:59,661 --> 00:15:03,719
Go fetch him and just shove whatever in
me. Bridget, this isn't my daughter's
272
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,550
cello recital. You can't intoxicate your
way through it.
273
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,080
Brycey, I just need to make it to
midnight.
274
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,620
Brycey, will you help me?
275
00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:19,480
Please. Bridget, for once in your life,
no one can do this for you.
276
00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:21,240
You need to push.
277
00:15:31,699 --> 00:15:32,749
Welcome, everyone.
278
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,759
I believe I speak for Emily and Murph
when I say how happy we are to be
279
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,140
celebrating with all of you.
280
00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,860
If the couple could hold hands.
281
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:52,859
Oh, my God, it
282
00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:54,180
sounds like me applauding.
283
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:57,900
Maybe we should do more of like a
sustained fist bump.
284
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,240
Oh, good God, the sweating.
285
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,940
How about a slow dance thing? Just put
your arms around her.
286
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,220
You guys are doing really good.
287
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,460
You're doing fine, Murph. This is all
fine.
288
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:21,020
Sorry, that's my birth control alarm.
289
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,660
No babies yet. So sorry to disappoint.
290
00:16:31,831 --> 00:16:33,699
It's locked.
291
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:34,699
What's your password?
292
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,259
I'm not telling you my password.
293
00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:39,219
Are you serious? We're about to get
married. We need some secrets.
294
00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:43,019
Okay. We're about to get married. You
don't trust me. You don't trust me. You
295
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,070
don't trust me.
296
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,980
Okay, fine. Just give me your thumb.
297
00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:47,830
Actually,
298
00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:51,960
it kind of popped back into place. Thank
you.
299
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:54,930
Ray.
300
00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:56,630
Ray.
301
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,130
I'm right here, babe.
302
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,650
Check.
303
00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:05,608
My phone. Did I get a text or anything?
I heard a buzz. Did Rihanna respond to
304
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:06,429
my tweet?
305
00:17:06,430 --> 00:17:10,669
Babe, now is not the time. Bryce, I am
literally giving birth right now. You
306
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:11,720
will do what I say.
307
00:17:13,130 --> 00:17:14,849
It's just your alarm, babe.
308
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,410
He's not a Sag anymore?
309
00:17:19,310 --> 00:17:25,670
Holy shit, did you just... Well, I'll be
damned.
310
00:17:26,890 --> 00:17:27,950
Oh, my God.
311
00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:29,700
I know.
312
00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:30,950
He's amazing, right?
313
00:17:31,780 --> 00:17:32,940
No way.
314
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:39,620
My ex is literally getting married right
now. I need to be there.
315
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,540
Bridget, you just gave birth.
316
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:47,540
Yeah, and I will not be shamed for it. I
am a mother, but I am still a woman.
317
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:52,479
This bitch just crapped out eight
pounds, and you better believe I'm going
318
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,940
show off my post -baby body.
319
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:59,380
Do you want to at least meet your son
first?
320
00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:03,750
He was in me for like nine months, so
I'm pretty sure it was Matt.
321
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:07,530
Why don't you guys have like a boys'
night or something?
322
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,330
Classic Capricorn.
323
00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:15,130
Bye, I'll be out late. My phone is
almost dead.
324
00:18:17,210 --> 00:18:18,260
Hey, guy.
325
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:21,170
You're going to be raised by a robo
-nanny.
326
00:18:21,870 --> 00:18:23,290
Can you say progress?
327
00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:25,520
Dearly beloved.
328
00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:29,770
We are gathered here today to join in
the union of Emily and Murph.
329
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:37,909
Today, we live lives the LGBTQ community
of previous generations could only
330
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:38,960
dream of.
331
00:18:39,230 --> 00:18:41,110
But the fight continues.
332
00:18:42,870 --> 00:18:47,150
Emily and Murph, love is the heart of
that fight.
333
00:18:49,510 --> 00:18:53,749
Sorry, I was trying to reuse my sermon
from a gay wedding, and I'm just now
334
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:55,670
realizing it's not going to work at all.
335
00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:57,080
Improvise, babe.
336
00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:59,430
This teacher was in a Target commercial.
337
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,510
Okay, guys, focus up.
338
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,040
Truthfully, I haven't known Emily and
Murph long.
339
00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:09,350
They aren't always the best of friends.
340
00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:11,740
Hell, they're not always the best
people.
341
00:19:13,330 --> 00:19:17,010
But they're the best for each other.
342
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:19,930
They might have their squabbles, sure.
343
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:24,730
But in the end, it isn't Emily and Murph
versus each other.
344
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:27,900
It's Emily and Murph versus the world.
345
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,639
One time it was Emily and Murph versus
the state of Louisiana, but you get my
346
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:33,690
point.
347
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:35,720
Aw, are you crying?
348
00:19:37,220 --> 00:19:38,270
Yeah.
349
00:19:38,820 --> 00:19:41,740
The Craigslist meds wore off and I'm in
a lot of pain.
350
00:19:42,660 --> 00:19:46,520
Um, uh, let me see if I can reuse
anything from this gay wedding.
351
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:48,960
Hardship, discrimination.
352
00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:52,890
Uh, nope. None of this applies to
straight people.
353
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,739
Do you guys have any vows or anything?
354
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,660
Nah. Let's get making out.
355
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:59,080
You may now kiss the bride.
356
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:13,030
It's a lot of tongue.
357
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:32,619
the right oh god I think I broke my arm
at least we have
358
00:20:32,620 --> 00:20:33,669
insurance
359
00:20:33,670 --> 00:20:38,220
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