Original subtitles

A pop original series.

Hey, hi, hello. How was your day?

Uh, pretty good.

I made a mosaic out of post -it notes.

Wow, so amazing. Should we go on Celebrate?

No. Cool. I'll just grab myself and we'll head right out immediately right

No reason to go in here. So, bye apartment!

Well, let me change out of my work clothes.

No!

I like a man in uniform.

I'm wearing cargo pants.

Okay, well at least let me grab some cash out of my nightstand.

No!

Um, because tonight is my treat!

You don't have any money. But I will.

As soon as I pawn.

Okay, come on, Em. Let me in.

Ow! God!

You just jammed my pinky!

Oh, no!

Looks like we'll probably have to hit up the emergency room before we go to the

bar. I'll update the lift. Cool, I just did. Chop -chop. Let's go now. Okay, out

of my way. You're hiding something.

No, I'm not. I'm acting normal. This is normal. I'm the one who's being normal.

You're the one who's being a freak! Yeah, hey!

Come on! This is weird!

This is admittedly weird! You have to admit this is weird! No!

Okay, look, you can't come in because it's your surprise birthday!

My birthday was three months ago.

Shit, really?

Surprise! I set the apartment on fire.

Sorry, can you top that off with something sweet? I'm more of a mango

guy. I think you'll like that.

That's a good color.

Wow, you sure know how to hold your grenadine. Thanks.

I normally don't pound syrup like this, but I just got into a fight with my

fiance.

Yep.

Big fight.

Pretty good story, too.

I really don't want any part of it.

Wouldn't mind getting it off the old chest.

All right.

The place is empty and the TV's broken. What happened?

She's just so irresponsible.

She almost burnt our apartment down in some get -rich -quick scheme or pagan

ritual, no doubt.

Did she make meth?

Don't answer. One of the regulars is a cop.

A crooked one, but still.

Point is, she lost her job and she's been spiraling ever since.

And that would be fine, except we're about to get married, so it feels like

there's this magnifying glass in our relationship just amplifying every

problem. Okay, I think I've heard enough. There's a stain over there that

of looks like a dragon with a boner, so I'm just going to go back to looking at

that.

How do you know?

Oh, well, that would be the wings, and then underneath there is the boner. No,

how do you know if someone is the one for you?

I've dated other girls before.

I've loved and I've lost. How do I know that Emily is my destiny and not just

someone I met at the right place in the right time?

Okay, well, if it wasn't this girl, who else could I have been?

Anna Cozzarelli.

Who? She was my best friend in high school.

Oh, okay.

Let me guess, you had an unrequited crush on her and thought you were

to a relationship because you watched too many movies. It wasn't like that.

It's so good to her.

I can't believe Greg broke up with me. We were so in love.

Hey, Greg is an idiot.

You're like the coolest, smartest person I know.

Some of the things you say could be my chemical romance lyrics.

Come on, Merv.

Helen's at deep.

Uh, you are.

You're like a total badass.

You despise authority.

You hate corporations.

It's true. It's why I shop at Hot Topic.

If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't treat you like that.

Thanks, but I think I'm just going to be single for a while.

Yeah, totally.

Very cool idea.

But maybe your problem is that you just haven't met a nice guy yet, you know?

No, I think my problem is that I've been letting guides determine my self

-worth, so I should probably be alone for a bit.

Yeah.

Definitely, definitely.

Or, counterpoint though, maybe you just need someone who has your back, who gets

you, who sees you, who is looking at

you.

Yeah, no, I think I'm just going to try to enjoy senior year, you know, like

hang out with my friends, which includes you.

You're like my friend.

Definitely.

We're friends.

Friends are good. Just friends.

Cool. Well, I got to get going because my mom's going to have my ass if I'm

for dinner.

Authority.

Yeah.

Never got to tell her how I felt.

She knew how you felt.

What? She knew how you felt.

But I never specifically told her. Oh, please.

She knew.

Every girl has a pathetic guy friend or five that just hang around pretending to

be nice, secretly circling like a vulture just waiting for the day she's

to count.

That's not true. I was her friend. Oh, yeah?

Are you still friends?

No. As soon as I went away to college, I just got a crush on someone else and

stopped talking to her.

Right. Okay.

So maybe I wasn't the best friend to her, but I didn't have time to get hung

on Anna because right after high school, I started dating Bridget.

Bridget was my first real taste of passion.

Damn. I've been thinking about it.

And I think you should start leaving a toothbrush in my dorm room.

OMG, that is like so official.

I can just tell you're going to be my first husband.

Okay, babe, I gotta go.

Aw, don't go.

I'll miss you too much. Aw, I'll miss you.

No, seriously, don't go.

But I have class.

The whole thing was pretty dramatic.

You're abandoning me?

Oh my god, who is she? Who are you leaving me for?

Intro to economics?

Okay, that's like a really weird name, Murph, and I hope she gives you

Bridget, no, don't go, okay? I just, I won't go to class.

First, do you like ask me to move in with you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't...

you to move in with me. I said that you could leave a toothbrush here.

Wow.

Clearly you and I have very different opinions about what leaving a toothbrush

in a dorm room means. Bridget, wait, no. Okay, I'm sorry.

I do want you to move in with me. So long as it's cool with my roommate,

OMG. Get over it, Fred. We broke up three weeks ago and we only dated for a

year.

Do you, like, seriously want me to move in with you? So seriously.

I love you, Bridget.

Wait, that is like... Oh, sweet.

I love you too, Murph.

Plus, you did, like, really well in the housing lottery, and my suitemates are,

like, way too fugly to hang out with, so this really works out for me.

It was a rollercoaster, but boy, were those highs high. It sounds awful.

Oh, really?

I thought that was one of the highs.

If coercing you into cutting class was one of the highs, I can't imagine the

lows. Oh, it got low.

She cheat on you?

Yep. And burned my dorm down.

Wow. You sure have a thing for pyro. Hey, Emily burned down our living room

accident. I hope. So, torching your dorm was probably the end of it, right?

Hard to come back from that one. Two mature adults probably just... split

as they should.

Nah, we ended up dating for another three months. It was just hard to resist

that fiery passion, you know? The push, the pull, it was... A toxic cycle that

manufactured emotions where they wouldn't have been otherwise, and not

Fine. You want a story of passion?

Well, I've got one. After I got kicked out of college, I did a little traveling

through Europe, and on my journeys, I had an amazing, though fleeting night

a beautiful Parisian woman.

She was so alive.

So exotic.

I'd never met anyone like her before.

Time and space may have separated us, but my memory of Marguerite is as vivid

the day we met.

Wow.

Yeah. Wait.

You speak French?

No, not at all.

Do you want to make out?

Notre amour est éternel.

Je t 'aime.

Je t 'aime.

Je t 'aime.

It was a beautiful night. We drank only the best wine. We smoked only the

strongest cigarettes.

We ate from picnic baskets, even though we were inside.

But the next morning, the magic was gone.

I don't know what you're saying.

We're at each other's throats all morning.

I suppose a fire can burn so bright for only one night.

Are you sure she wasn't a sex worker?

No.

Cash! You owe me pay up.

Huh. Okay, well, I'm not familiar with your exotic ways, but if this is how

people settle a broken heart, we'll call it even.

All right, wipe that from the record.

Chalk it up to youthful indiscretion.

So far, your long -lost loves include someone who didn't like you, a

and a sex worker you tried to stiff.

Okay, but after the sex worker, I actually had a very mature relationship.

Wait, no, sorry.

I actually went back to Bridget for a while. But after that, I had a very

relationship. We never fought.

Or did anything, really.

What did we used to do?

Well, I know her name was Chloe.

Unless it was Claire.

Or Nicole.

It was Nicole.

Or was it?

Gotta be honest, these stories don't paint you in the most flattering light.

Well, you're only hearing one side.

Yeah.

Yours. Shit.

You sound like a serial monogamist who gets in too deep with women he doesn't

respect. That's not fair. After Nicole, I was single for like a whole month.

And it would have been longer if I hadn't met someone really special.

Emily.

I met Emily totally by accident.

Uh, can I help you? Hey, I'm here for the Joey's.

The baby sugar gliders?

Those little flying squirrel gerbil things?

You posted an ad for them on Craigslist?

I Venmo'd you, then you sent me this address?

Come on, man, cough up the Joey's! Um, sorry, I think you got scammed. What?

No, I have a really good nose for scams. That would never happen.

Maybe I got the wrong apartment.

Is this 3B?

Uh -huh.

Shit! That was my last $37!

I overdrafted for those joeys!

If it makes you feel any better, I fell for the same thing.

Paid $25 for a monkey and the dude never showed.

I knew it was too good to be true. Wait a second.

Did he type in all caps and use an off -brand email service?

ExoticPetsAndFriendsAtHotmail .com. Dad!

He got you too?

Yeah.

Let's get this scumhole.

And so we concocted our first scheme.

We pretended to be a rich businessman interested in buying an exotic animal.

toast his phone number out, and from there, we were able to find out where he

worked and what time he'd be getting off.

It was thrilling.

I liked that Emily stood up for herself. It gave me courage.

Where am I going, bitch?

We were going to shake the guy down and steal his wallet.

Unfortunately, we didn't account for the fact that he was a seasoned criminal

and armed to the teeth.

Goddammit! Oh, shit, did he make you do?

Ah, no, I just caught some secondhand mists. I can't even imagine how much

you're in. A lot, actually.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Oh, me?

Yeah, no, I'll be fine. I actually get maced somewhat frequently, and division

always comes back after an hour, so... Well, I admire your optimism.

What a nice thing to say.

You know, I admire your steadfast, no questions asked support.

Sorry,

are you still there? Things are really quiet and I actually can't see anything,

so. Yep.

Nope, still here. Oh, okay. Why'd you get so quiet?

Oh, no. I was hanging out.

I was trying to get some stuff out of it. I guess the conversation is a duet.

It's on my shoulders. Yeah, exactly. It's kind of a give and take. Do you

to go get a beer?

Hell yeah.

Thanks. Oh, hang on. I think you got it worse than me.

Okay.

Hmm.

You know, that's actually kind of sweet.

In a petty criminal way.

Yeah. We always have each other's back.

Even when we shouldn't.

Except this time.

I just stormed out without even giving her a chance to explain herself.

And here I am just waxing poetic about other girls.

Go to her.

You're right.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I can't believe that idiot has a girlfriend and I'm still single.

Wait! You forgot to pay for your grenadine!

Hey.

Hey. Um, I'm really, really sorry. No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have stormed off like that.

But, uh, what happened here anyway?

It was supposed to be sort of a purging ceremony.

It's a witch thing.

I don't know. I figured we're about to get married, so I'll just burn a bunch

things from the past to make way for new growth, you know? Like my ex -Carl's

band's T -shirt, my ex -Robin's man bun hair ties, or my ex -Daichi's Fourth of

July fireworks.

Oh, that's where I went wrong.

Huh.

I actually did a bit of a purging ceremony myself tonight.

Really? Yep.

Helped me realize that I was kind of being a jerk.

So, maybe we can learn from the past instead of trying to burn it away.

Or at the very least, just burn it outside.

Yeah, that would work too.

What's this one?

Oh, that was my ex Jamie's costume. He was a knight at medieval times.

You dated a knight?

I never told you that? No, tell me everything about him. Oh, okay.

So, everyone thought he was, like, this big dork, right? But he was actually

super ripped.

Like, he had those, like, little V -lines that go right from your... Okay,

don't need to hear about the V -lines. You know what? Let's just burn that.

Okay. Yeah, I'll go get the matches.

Ceremony's on!