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A pop original series.
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Hey, hi, hello. How was your day?
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Uh, pretty good.
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I made a mosaic out of post -it notes.
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Wow, so amazing. Should we go on
Celebrate?
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00:00:21,540 --> 00:00:25,600
No. Cool. I'll just grab myself and
we'll head right out immediately right
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No reason to go in here. So, bye
apartment!
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Well, let me change out of my work
clothes.
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No!
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I like a man in uniform.
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I'm wearing cargo pants.
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Okay, well at least let me grab some
cash out of my nightstand.
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No!
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Um, because tonight is my treat!
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You don't have any money. But I will.
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As soon as I pawn.
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Okay, come on, Em. Let me in.
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Ow! God!
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You just jammed my pinky!
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Oh, no!
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Looks like we'll probably have to hit up
the emergency room before we go to the
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bar. I'll update the lift. Cool, I just
did. Chop -chop. Let's go now. Okay, out
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of my way. You're hiding something.
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No, I'm not. I'm acting normal. This is
normal. I'm the one who's being normal.
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You're the one who's being a freak!
Yeah, hey!
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Come on! This is weird!
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This is admittedly weird! You have to
admit this is weird! No!
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Okay, look, you can't come in because
it's your surprise birthday!
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My birthday was three months ago.
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Shit, really?
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Surprise! I set the apartment on fire.
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Sorry, can you top that off with
something sweet? I'm more of a mango
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guy. I think you'll like that.
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That's a good color.
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Wow, you sure know how to hold your
grenadine. Thanks.
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I normally don't pound syrup like this,
but I just got into a fight with my
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fiance.
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Yep.
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Big fight.
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Pretty good story, too.
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I really don't want any part of it.
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Wouldn't mind getting it off the old
chest.
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All right.
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The place is empty and the TV's broken.
What happened?
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She's just so irresponsible.
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She almost burnt our apartment down in
some get -rich -quick scheme or pagan
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ritual, no doubt.
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Did she make meth?
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Don't answer. One of the regulars is a
cop.
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A crooked one, but still.
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Point is, she lost her job and she's
been spiraling ever since.
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And that would be fine, except we're
about to get married, so it feels like
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there's this magnifying glass in our
relationship just amplifying every
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problem. Okay, I think I've heard
enough. There's a stain over there that
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of looks like a dragon with a boner, so
I'm just going to go back to looking at
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that.
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How do you know?
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Oh, well, that would be the wings, and
then underneath there is the boner. No,
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how do you know if someone is the one
for you?
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I've dated other girls before.
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I've loved and I've lost. How do I know
that Emily is my destiny and not just
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someone I met at the right place in the
right time?
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Okay, well, if it wasn't this girl, who
else could I have been?
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Anna Cozzarelli.
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Who? She was my best friend in high
school.
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Oh, okay.
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Let me guess, you had an unrequited
crush on her and thought you were
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to a relationship because you watched
too many movies. It wasn't like that.
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It's so good to her.
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I can't believe Greg broke up with me.
We were so in love.
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Hey, Greg is an idiot.
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You're like the coolest, smartest person
I know.
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Some of the things you say could be my
chemical romance lyrics.
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Come on, Merv.
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Helen's at deep.
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Uh, you are.
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You're like a total badass.
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You despise authority.
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You hate corporations.
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It's true. It's why I shop at Hot Topic.
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If I was your boyfriend, I wouldn't
treat you like that.
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Thanks, but I think I'm just going to be
single for a while.
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Yeah, totally.
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Very cool idea.
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But maybe your problem is that you just
haven't met a nice guy yet, you know?
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00:04:38,341 --> 00:04:43,609
No, I think my problem is that I've been
letting guides determine my self
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-worth, so I should probably be alone
for a bit.
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00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:47,620
Yeah.
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Definitely, definitely.
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00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:58,649
Or, counterpoint though, maybe you just
need someone who has your back, who gets
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you, who sees you, who is looking at
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you.
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00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:16,509
Yeah, no, I think I'm just going to try
to enjoy senior year, you know, like
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hang out with my friends, which includes
you.
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You're like my friend.
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Definitely.
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We're friends.
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Friends are good. Just friends.
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Cool. Well, I got to get going because
my mom's going to have my ass if I'm
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for dinner.
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Authority.
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Yeah.
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Never got to tell her how I felt.
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She knew how you felt.
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What? She knew how you felt.
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But I never specifically told her. Oh,
please.
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She knew.
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Every girl has a pathetic guy friend or
five that just hang around pretending to
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be nice, secretly circling like a
vulture just waiting for the day she's
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to count.
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That's not true. I was her friend. Oh,
yeah?
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Are you still friends?
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No. As soon as I went away to college, I
just got a crush on someone else and
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stopped talking to her.
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Right. Okay.
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So maybe I wasn't the best friend to
her, but I didn't have time to get hung
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on Anna because right after high school,
I started dating Bridget.
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Bridget was my first real taste of
passion.
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Damn. I've been thinking about it.
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And I think you should start leaving a
toothbrush in my dorm room.
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OMG, that is like so official.
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I can just tell you're going to be my
first husband.
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Okay, babe, I gotta go.
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Aw, don't go.
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I'll miss you too much. Aw, I'll miss
you.
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No, seriously, don't go.
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But I have class.
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The whole thing was pretty dramatic.
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You're abandoning me?
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Oh my god, who is she? Who are you
leaving me for?
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Intro to economics?
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Okay, that's like a really weird name,
Murph, and I hope she gives you
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Bridget, no, don't go, okay? I just, I
won't go to class.
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First, do you like ask me to move in
with you? Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't...
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you to move in with me. I said that you
could leave a toothbrush here.
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Wow.
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Clearly you and I have very different
opinions about what leaving a toothbrush
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in a dorm room means. Bridget, wait, no.
Okay, I'm sorry.
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I do want you to move in with me. So
long as it's cool with my roommate,
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OMG. Get over it, Fred. We broke up
three weeks ago and we only dated for a
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year.
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Do you, like, seriously want me to move
in with you? So seriously.
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I love you, Bridget.
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Wait, that is like... Oh, sweet.
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I love you too, Murph.
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00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:08,619
Plus, you did, like, really well in the
housing lottery, and my suitemates are,
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like, way too fugly to hang out with, so
this really works out for me.
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It was a rollercoaster, but boy, were
those highs high. It sounds awful.
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Oh, really?
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I thought that was one of the highs.
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00:08:21,721 --> 00:08:25,309
If coercing you into cutting class was
one of the highs, I can't imagine the
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lows. Oh, it got low.
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She cheat on you?
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Yep. And burned my dorm down.
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Wow. You sure have a thing for pyro.
Hey, Emily burned down our living room
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accident. I hope. So, torching your dorm
was probably the end of it, right?
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00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:50,779
Hard to come back from that one. Two
mature adults probably just... split
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as they should.
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Nah, we ended up dating for another
three months. It was just hard to resist
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that fiery passion, you know? The push,
the pull, it was... A toxic cycle that
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manufactured emotions where they
wouldn't have been otherwise, and not
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Fine. You want a story of passion?
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00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,399
Well, I've got one. After I got kicked
out of college, I did a little traveling
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through Europe, and on my journeys, I
had an amazing, though fleeting night
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a beautiful Parisian woman.
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She was so alive.
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So exotic.
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I'd never met anyone like her before.
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00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:34,209
Time and space may have separated us,
but my memory of Marguerite is as vivid
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the day we met.
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Wow.
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00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:44,590
Yeah. Wait.
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00:09:44,930 --> 00:09:46,030
You speak French?
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00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:47,380
No, not at all.
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Do you want to make out?
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Notre amour est éternel.
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Je t 'aime.
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Je t 'aime.
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00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:04,930
Je t 'aime.
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00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:11,589
It was a beautiful night. We drank only
the best wine. We smoked only the
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strongest cigarettes.
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We ate from picnic baskets, even though
we were inside.
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00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:18,610
But the next morning, the magic was
gone.
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00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:26,289
I don't know what you're saying.
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00:10:26,290 --> 00:10:28,389
We're at each other's throats all
morning.
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00:10:28,390 --> 00:10:31,550
I suppose a fire can burn so bright for
only one night.
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00:10:31,750 --> 00:10:33,550
Are you sure she wasn't a sex worker?
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00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:35,089
No.
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Cash! You owe me pay up.
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00:10:37,250 --> 00:10:41,349
Huh. Okay, well, I'm not familiar with
your exotic ways, but if this is how
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00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,820
people settle a broken heart, we'll call
it even.
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00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:46,210
All right, wipe that from the record.
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00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:48,450
Chalk it up to youthful indiscretion.
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00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:52,950
So far, your long -lost loves include
someone who didn't like you, a
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00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,810
and a sex worker you tried to stiff.
196
00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:59,710
Okay, but after the sex worker, I
actually had a very mature relationship.
197
00:11:01,630 --> 00:11:02,950
Wait, no, sorry.
198
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:07,969
I actually went back to Bridget for a
while. But after that, I had a very
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00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:09,910
relationship. We never fought.
200
00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:14,210
Or did anything, really.
201
00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:16,050
What did we used to do?
202
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:18,070
Well, I know her name was Chloe.
203
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:19,300
Unless it was Claire.
204
00:11:19,301 --> 00:11:20,549
Or Nicole.
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00:11:20,550 --> 00:11:21,600
It was Nicole.
206
00:11:21,601 --> 00:11:22,929
Or was it?
207
00:11:22,930 --> 00:11:26,669
Gotta be honest, these stories don't
paint you in the most flattering light.
208
00:11:26,670 --> 00:11:28,049
Well, you're only hearing one side.
209
00:11:28,050 --> 00:11:29,029
Yeah.
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00:11:29,030 --> 00:11:30,090
Yours. Shit.
211
00:11:30,091 --> 00:11:33,869
You sound like a serial monogamist who
gets in too deep with women he doesn't
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00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:38,690
respect. That's not fair. After Nicole,
I was single for like a whole month.
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00:11:39,370 --> 00:11:42,800
And it would have been longer if I
hadn't met someone really special.
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00:11:46,590 --> 00:11:47,640
Emily.
215
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,240
I met Emily totally by accident.
216
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,820
Uh, can I help you? Hey, I'm here for
the Joey's.
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00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,140
The baby sugar gliders?
218
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,710
Those little flying squirrel gerbil
things?
219
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,140
You posted an ad for them on Craigslist?
220
00:12:08,141 --> 00:12:10,479
I Venmo'd you, then you sent me this
address?
221
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:15,220
Come on, man, cough up the Joey's! Um,
sorry, I think you got scammed. What?
222
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:19,740
No, I have a really good nose for scams.
That would never happen.
223
00:12:19,741 --> 00:12:21,439
Maybe I got the wrong apartment.
224
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,259
Is this 3B?
225
00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:23,310
Uh -huh.
226
00:12:24,449 --> 00:12:26,450
Shit! That was my last $37!
227
00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:29,170
I overdrafted for those joeys!
228
00:12:29,171 --> 00:12:31,769
If it makes you feel any better, I fell
for the same thing.
229
00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:34,550
Paid $25 for a monkey and the dude never
showed.
230
00:12:35,030 --> 00:12:37,260
I knew it was too good to be true. Wait
a second.
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00:12:37,710 --> 00:12:40,850
Did he type in all caps and use an off
-brand email service?
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00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,990
ExoticPetsAndFriendsAtHotmail .com. Dad!
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00:12:45,530 --> 00:12:46,580
He got you too?
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00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:47,940
Yeah.
235
00:12:49,690 --> 00:12:51,070
Let's get this scumhole.
236
00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,110
And so we concocted our first scheme.
237
00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,579
We pretended to be a rich businessman
interested in buying an exotic animal.
238
00:12:57,580 --> 00:13:00,939
toast his phone number out, and from
there, we were able to find out where he
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00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,990
worked and what time he'd be getting
off.
240
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:05,230
It was thrilling.
241
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:09,340
I liked that Emily stood up for herself.
It gave me courage.
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00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,580
Where am I going, bitch?
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00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:16,980
We were going to shake the guy down and
steal his wallet.
244
00:13:16,981 --> 00:13:20,279
Unfortunately, we didn't account for the
fact that he was a seasoned criminal
245
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,360
and armed to the teeth.
246
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:29,780
Goddammit! Oh, shit, did he make you do?
247
00:13:29,781 --> 00:13:33,979
Ah, no, I just caught some secondhand
mists. I can't even imagine how much
248
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,420
you're in. A lot, actually.
249
00:13:37,220 --> 00:13:39,880
Oh, God.
250
00:13:40,140 --> 00:13:41,190
Are you okay?
251
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:42,950
Oh, me?
252
00:13:43,020 --> 00:13:47,459
Yeah, no, I'll be fine. I actually get
maced somewhat frequently, and division
253
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:51,140
always comes back after an hour, so...
Well, I admire your optimism.
254
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,500
What a nice thing to say.
255
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:57,520
You know, I admire your steadfast, no
questions asked support.
256
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:01,850
Sorry,
257
00:14:01,851 --> 00:14:06,399
are you still there? Things are really
quiet and I actually can't see anything,
258
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,600
so. Yep.
259
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,460
Nope, still here. Oh, okay. Why'd you
get so quiet?
260
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,720
Oh, no. I was hanging out.
261
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,779
I was trying to get some stuff out of
it. I guess the conversation is a duet.
262
00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:18,239
It's on my shoulders. Yeah, exactly.
It's kind of a give and take. Do you
263
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,290
to go get a beer?
264
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:20,950
Hell yeah.
265
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,110
Thanks. Oh, hang on. I think you got it
worse than me.
266
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,490
Okay.
267
00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:29,630
Hmm.
268
00:14:29,940 --> 00:14:31,920
You know, that's actually kind of sweet.
269
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,640
In a petty criminal way.
270
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,960
Yeah. We always have each other's back.
271
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:37,760
Even when we shouldn't.
272
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:40,410
Except this time.
273
00:14:40,620 --> 00:14:44,170
I just stormed out without even giving
her a chance to explain herself.
274
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:47,640
And here I am just waxing poetic about
other girls.
275
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,360
Go to her.
276
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:53,930
You're right.
277
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:55,470
Thank you.
278
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:56,890
Thank you.
279
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,290
I can't believe that idiot has a
girlfriend and I'm still single.
280
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:03,920
Wait! You forgot to pay for your
grenadine!
281
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:12,190
Hey.
282
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:19,060
Hey. Um, I'm really, really sorry. No,
I'm sorry.
283
00:15:19,061 --> 00:15:21,539
I shouldn't have stormed off like that.
284
00:15:21,540 --> 00:15:24,640
But, uh, what happened here anyway?
285
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,780
It was supposed to be sort of a purging
ceremony.
286
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:29,800
It's a witch thing.
287
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:34,719
I don't know. I figured we're about to
get married, so I'll just burn a bunch
288
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:39,739
things from the past to make way for new
growth, you know? Like my ex -Carl's
289
00:15:39,740 --> 00:15:44,699
band's T -shirt, my ex -Robin's man bun
hair ties, or my ex -Daichi's Fourth of
290
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:45,699
July fireworks.
291
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,640
Oh, that's where I went wrong.
292
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,410
Huh.
293
00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:52,440
I actually did a bit of a purging
ceremony myself tonight.
294
00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:54,370
Really? Yep.
295
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,489
Helped me realize that I was kind of
being a jerk.
296
00:15:57,490 --> 00:16:01,470
So, maybe we can learn from the past
instead of trying to burn it away.
297
00:16:01,770 --> 00:16:04,550
Or at the very least, just burn it
outside.
298
00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:06,270
Yeah, that would work too.
299
00:16:08,350 --> 00:16:09,400
What's this one?
300
00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:13,930
Oh, that was my ex Jamie's costume. He
was a knight at medieval times.
301
00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:15,810
You dated a knight?
302
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:20,270
I never told you that? No, tell me
everything about him. Oh, okay.
303
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:23,949
So, everyone thought he was, like, this
big dork, right? But he was actually
304
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,000
super ripped.
305
00:16:25,001 --> 00:16:28,469
Like, he had those, like, little V
-lines that go right from your... Okay,
306
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:32,080
don't need to hear about the V -lines.
You know what? Let's just burn that.
307
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:35,030
Okay. Yeah, I'll go get the matches.
308
00:16:35,031 --> 00:16:37,099
Ceremony's on!
309
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:41,650
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