Original subtitles

A pop original series.

To your engagement. To your engagement.

Champagne and a shot of vodka? You never had a shot of vodka?

You guys have barely touched your drinks.

I'm still breastfeeding.

And our little Jayden is one hungry guy.

We're still talking about the kid, huh?

Oh, we went to the zoo yesterday. You guys want to see some pictures?

Of zebras?

No, it's our baby.

Oh.

Cute.

Cute. Very cute.

How long do I have to scroll before I can stop?

Just start going real fast and she'll get worried that you're going to find a

nude.

Oh, okay.

So,

when are you guys going to have kids?

Well, I mean, you're getting married.

Certainly you've talked about having kids.

But you've thought about them?

So Jaden really likes breastfeeding, huh?

You have to have kids.

What? Having children is the greatest thing that I have done or will ever do.

And I work at NASA.

But we don't like kids.

Except Aiden, of course.

His name is Jaden. Not too late to change it. I didn't know what love was

I had children.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I know.

You know nothing.

Having children's the reason we're on this planet, Dominique. If you don't

kids, you're not just being selfish.

You're turning your backs on humanity.

Okay, okay. Well, I happen to know plenty of people who have had kids.

And they regret it.

Like who?

Uh, my mom.

That's actually just really bad.

You know, this conversation does make me want to nurse.

Another shotgun.

Who's with me?

Oh.

Welcome to motherhood.

So as you'll probably know by now, I maintained a six pack during pregnancy,

bench pressed my way through my third trimester, then lost the baby weight

one weekend of clean eating.

So today I'm going to be squatting 250 pounds, but also my six month old

Brayden.

You'll notice Brayden isn't crying, and that's because not only does he sleep

through the night, but he also sleeps through the day.

Damn, that baby looks heavy.

Why do people with kids need everyone else to have them, too?

It's a conspiracy, Em, a pyramid scheme. They want us to give up our freedom so

they have more people to go to pumpkin patches with. You know what? You're

right. I bet they're actually miserable.

I can only imagine the shit they talk when they're childless. No, that sounds

bad. Child free?

That sounds better. Friends aren't around.

That's why I say we go undercover.

There's a mommy group meeting at a wine bar nearby today. Once those moms get a

few glasses of pinot in them, we'll be able to get the real dirt on parenthood.

Oh, that's good. Oh, you are brilliant.

We'll get a little peek behind the curtain to see if having kids is in the

for us.

So I figure I'll go undercover as single dad Lane Hansworth. My wife died during

childbirth, but me and my daughter, Daniela, we're making it work.

Shouldn't I be the mommy?

It's a mommy group.

It was my idea. I get to go undercover.

Murph, we're a team.

Plus, I'm more of a 007 and you're a total Q.

I'm not a Q. You're Q.

I'm not Q.

You are? You are, at best, the man in the van who's working on a computer or

something.

Can I wear an earpiece?

Sure. I agree to your terms.

All right.

Let's penetrate those moms.

Hey, what?

You know what I mean.

I came out wrong.

Oh, God, Bridget. Good afternoon, everyone.

Thank you to all our friends and family who we haven't alienated yet. I know me

leaving my wife and getting a 25 -year -old pregnant didn't go over super well.

Right on.

Welcome to our gender reveal party. I know we're all super stoked to find out

what kind of junk our baby has. So please welcome my girlfriend, Bridget.

Isn't she glowing?

Thank

you,

but today isn't about me.

Right, upload that and tag me, hashtag Bridget's Baby Spitz.

Today is about my unborn child.

I want my baby to grow up in a new world.

One that is like free of expectations.

Where he or she or they can live

their like most truthful truth.

With that in mind, please enjoy our gender cake. We have guns and trucks for

boys and glitter and princesses for the girls. Thank you.

Should we do this thing?

What do we think, gang?

Yeah.

Okay, shut up for a second.

I just want to say that, like, no matter what happens, you will love this baby.

Unless it's a boy.

Boys are canceled.

You'll still help me raise a boy, though, right?

Um, I'm gonna be more of, like, a friend mom, so that's, like, more of a

question for the nanny.

All right, cue music.

Okay, Ricey, what the fuck is going on? I don't know. The thing cost, like, 600

bucks. It should have the power of a mini cannon.

Okay, but literally, I am fucking carrying your ass. actual child so if

could just like put the drama on for one fucking day i'm not trying to be

dramatic it's just so dramatic i like can't do this we have to why would you

pick right now to do this why whatever um i'm sorry it's like apparently our

pregnancy is canceled and like i guess i'm giving it up for adoption we're not

giving it up for adoption we just need to give it up Better yank. You don't

to do that, okay? This is my fucking day.

It's all of our day now. Bridget, Bridget, come here. You need to give it

resistance to go back.

A butt!

I made you a cheat sheet in case you get stuck.

It's the most mentioned subject on Fit Mom's blog.

Thank you, Murph, but I think I know what I'm doing.

I'll go in there, introduce myself as Cheryl Adgy, mother of two, talk about

competitive preschools are, mention something about fine motor skills, then

back and find out that being a parent actually sucks and I don't have to ruin

vagina. All right. Then get on a call with me so I can listen in.

No way.

What? I'm wearing an earpiece. You said I could be the man in the van. Yeah?

Well, you don't have a van.

Oh, that hurts.

Then I'm the man in the sedan!

Fine, I'll get on a call.

Hey, I'm going to... There they are.

Hey, come on over.

So today I want to show y 'all the organic...

allergy -friendly, low -carbon footprint lunch I make my little ones every day.

Some people say a five -year -old can't appreciate a carefully curated bento

box, but those people don't love their children enough.

Start with a key lime jackquot. It's an exotic fruit you can only get at

farmer's markets that charge admission.

Remember, if you shop at regular supermarkets, You might as well spike

baby's sippy cup with Drano. You're poisoning them.

Parenthood is a gift, and I hope you kept the receipt because you should

it. Then, of course, Hayden, my second. He's a bit of a klutz. The pediatricians

say that his gross motor skills are underdeveloped. Same with Mike Hayden.

Top 90 % for fine motor, though. Great finger painter. I think he's going to be

an artist. Anyway, being a mom sucks, right?

Or does it not?

It's good?

We're blessed?

So blessed.

So blessed.

Blessed.

Okay.

You know, maybe it's the wine talking, but I've been a little nostalgic of my

life before I had kids.

Remember sleeping?

Or showering? Or pooping with the door closed? God, they followed me

Putting them to bed or a car or a snowsuit? It's like a Paris negotiation.

Sick days are non -existent.

Not to mention the constant guilt of knowing every little thing is somehow

scarring them for life.

Or worse.

They could be a sociopath and you won't find out until they're 23 and they're

forging your name on checks and standing over your bed with an ax.

Sorry.

Cheryl? What are you doing?

Are you taking notes?

No.

I was just...

Jotting down a reminder to call the preschool.

Preschools are so competitive.

Don't want to tell you what I did to get Aiden in.

You know, my baby actually prefers

my husband.

34 hours of labor and this is what I get?

What?

Labor can take that long?

Yeah. How long did it take you?

Six?

Teen?

Sixteen? Wow. I mean, that's really lucky.

So lucky.

Sixteen hours is lucky?

Oh, yeah. My second took about 28 hours and left me with a prolapsed anus. Ew!

As in discussing how samesies we are. Yeah, baby came out quick, but so did

old anus.

Oh, God, I Googled it.

Excuse me.

What are you doing? I'm sorry, it flipped out, just like that lady's anus.

well, you're not the one whose literal ass is on the line.

I'm in there like a fresh -faced cadet listening to the war stories of grizzled

vets.

Those vaginas have seen some shit.

Well, the part about the baby preferring the dad was reassuring. No, it wasn't.

It was for me.

All right, well, you're a danger to the mission. I'm cutting you off.

Excuse me, can I just, like, borrow you for a half minute?

I just need, like, kind of, like, a girl -to -girl moment. Just, like, bounce

and step off of you. Yeah. Um, do you, like, know anything about these gender

reveal bombs?

Yeah, they're supposed to be party poppers, but this one was unusually

Oh, yeah, good. I got that vibe. So, so you're, like, saying it was, like,

defective? Well, it had a lot of fiberglass in it, so I'm guessing your

boyfriend's at least gonna lose one of his eyes.

Dad!

Hey, sorry. Go here. No, I actually mean, like, do you think it should have

out pink?

What? Like, do you think that maybe since it was, like, defective or

mean, like, using your words, that, like, maybe I'm actually pregnant with a

girl?

I don't know. Because boys are, like, oh, gross.

Oh, my God. I'm going to have to watch Cars.

I hate Cars.

Ah, Frank!

Give him some morphine.

Oh, my God.

Is he, like, gonna die?

We're hopeful he'll pull through.

I'm gonna be a single mom.

No. And it's not even gonna be, like, Gilmore Girls.

What?

It's just, like, ever since I was a teenager, I always wanted to have a

so that we could, like, be besties and, like, share clothes.

You wanted to be pregnant as a teenager?

But now I'm going to have a boy.

I'm Lorelai, and my Rory is a boy.

Like, literally, what kind of name for a boy is Rory?

Wait.

Twist?

It's actually, like, a really good name.

Like, who cares what gender my baby is? It's 2019.

We're due for a boy Rory.

Thank you so much for talking to me.

Not even sure what just happened.

I'm going to start Pinterest -ing boy stuff.

Oh, my God. I forgot that Fit Mom has a boy.

I'm going to have a six -pack during pro -regnancy.

As y 'all know, our little home went zero waste last year. It was...

So easy.

We just replaced our tissues, paper towels, napkins, and toilet paper with

little scraps of cloth that need to be laundered by daily.

That's twice a day, not every other day.

Remember, if you aren't doing all the housework, tending to your child's every

hypothetical allergy, and fitting into your pre -baby clothing, you are not a

real mom.

Bitch must have an army of nannies.

Okay.

Concession time.

What is something you would never tell your child with friends?

Ooh. Ooh, great game. They actually preferred child -free, for the record.

go on. I've got one.

There is something that no one talks about.

Something that no one Insta -stories or Pinterest or blogs about.

This is something that I would have killed to know before I had kids.

Hey, everyone.

Sorry I'm late.

Excuse me, sir. This is a mommy group.

And I'm a single dad. My wife died during childbirth from a prolapsed anus.

my gosh. My anus also fell out. The name is Lane.

Hi, Lane.

Get the fuck out of here. Single dads need mommy groups, too. Wait. Do you

know each other?

Nope. Never seen him before. Not at all.

Fingers crossed. We're really hoping for Elmont for pre -K.

We actually kind of already talked about preschool, so that's been done.

Cheryl, can I be for Jelaine?

Yeah, Cheryl.

Say, Lane, what was it that kept you from us?

Oh, well,

I was taking my daughter for a walk.

Oh, huh.

That's where I know you from. Yeah, he's one of those parents that you see out

late at night with a stroller and it's weird.

Nope, not me. Couldn't have been me. But I think I have seen you before. It was

at the grocery store. You were spanking your child.

That couldn't be me. We don't do corporal punishment. But perhaps you

me from the 7 -Eleven where I saw you buying dinner for your daughter. She had

her own bagel and everything.

Nope, didn't do that. But you know what? I have met you before. It was at the

mall. You were getting your baby's ears pierced.

What the hell?

Ambulance, Cheryl?

I'm so sorry. Better go wash up before it stains your boot cut.

Is everything okay, Cheryl?

Honestly, no.

The truth is, I do know Lane.

He infiltrated my last mommy group. He used his dead wife to garner a bunch of

sympathy, and then he sent me lewd photos. Look.

Who would be turned on by that?

I mean, it's not that bad. No, he's disgusting, and anyone who likes that is

weird. Yeah, totally.

Sorry about that, everyone. Get out of here, you sick fuck!

Excuse me? You've been harassing Cheryl long enough. What are you talking about?

She asked for that picture.

She asked for it.

No, no, no, not like that. She asked for that picture.

All right, I'm macing him.

No, don't mace me!

She's not a real mom!

What are you doing? I'm taking you down with me.

Check it out.

We're both liars.

Cheryl.

I'm sorry.

I was only milking you for intel.

Unfair, considering how much you all have already been milked.

So all of this was fake.

We got wine drunk together, Cheryl.

Hey, it started out as fake, but I actually grew to really like you guys.

I mean, we don't really have much in common, and I don't need any of your

numbers after this, but I did feel a little bit bad towards the end. You're

sick. Yeah. You're worse.

That's fair.

I'm glad you two actually aren't parents.

Because you're sociopaths. You probably have little ass -murderer children.

Hey, I said I felt bad.

So, technically, I'm not a sociopath. Yeah, we're narcissists at work.

A lot of criticism for the way I document and monetize my child's life

its explicit consent.

And it hurts.

Being a parent is hard.

There's no book with all the answers.

Until now.

By mom like me. A fit mom's guide to winning motherhood.

50 burpees, go!

One!

My baby changes his...

Why? We got our answer. We're shitheads and we shouldn't have kids.

Yeah, all right. I guess you're right. You know, our lifestyle probably is too

mature for children.

Yeah.

We watch a lot of TV shows with nudity.

It's over, Espinosa. We got evidence.

Oh, I've got your evidence right here.

Take your dick out.

That's impressive, Espinosa, but put it away.