Original subtitles

The amount of money we're paying this professional? She better side with me.

She's a couples counselor. You believe in emotional moon cycles, but not

therapy? Um, the moon is science. Just ask my Wiccan Slack channel.

And anyways, what's a therapist? Just some creep who gets off on hearing other

people's secrets? She's a trained pro - The fact that we're arguing about

needing a couples counselor means we need a couples counselor.

Well - Hopefully you didn't need one if you hadn't betrayed my trust.

I ordered a cake for our wedding. Without consulting me. Pie is the

dessert. Cake is classic. Cake is decoration at best. It's got figurines

and not even cool ones and action poses.

I ordered a regular wedding cake. I don't have time to curate a pie spread.

Apple, cherry, lemon meringue. Boom. Done.

Curated. I don't even like those.

Okay, what kind do you like? I don't know. Pumpkin?

Holy shit, that is the most boring thing anyone has ever said. Although, I

suppose I should expect it from someone who wants to have their honeymoon at

Walt Disney World.

And what's wrong with that? Kind of weird for an adult man with no kids.

Liking Space Mountain does not make me a pedophile!

Um, hello?

Finally, the relationship rep is here. Pick a side, lady.

That's not how this worked.

Yeah, Eb, you've got to lay your case out like a lawyer. We were arguing about

Disney World.

No, we were arguing about your basic bit taste.

Actually, we were arguing about you being insane about the cake.

You know, we kind of just argue about everything.

Epcot Center's better than Europe.

Pokefies are seasonal treat effects!

Um... Who's right?

Again, I'm not going to pick a side. So this was a waste of money then. That's

one thing we can agree on. My job is to give you tools to better communicate

with each other.

So let's forget the surface argument.

What's really going on here?

Oftentimes, minor disagreements in a relationship can be indicative of larger

problems.

Can you think of anything else that might be going on? Any other issues you

might have bottled up or neglected?

I mean, it's not like I keep a running tally. One sec, I've got a notepad file.

I feel like you're the only person who accepts me for who I really am.

I mean, God, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to talk to.

Wow, sounds like you're going through a lot, Chris.

My name's actually Cole.

Oh, Lord, I am blonde.

How could I possibly forget my favorite customer?

Favorite customer?

God, our connection is just unreal.

No touching hands on your side.

My bad. It's my bad.

No need for mace.

Okay, what were y 'all going on about, Ken?

It's Cole. I was talking about my old ball and chain. She's been giving me

lately. What? No way. How could your wife possibly be upset with you?

Well... Says I drink too much, which is bullshit.

She never wants to pull it out. Okay, now you're just yanking on my chain.

I mean, Lord, cutie patootie like you, I'd be all over you if it weren't

company policy.

Time's up. $20 for two more minutes. Ew, ew, ew.

God damn, where'd you pick this stuff up?

Pits up? You stink.

All right, I can work with that.

What were you saying again?

Boy, I just love listening to you talk, Kevin.

My name is Cole.

Anyway, yeah, my wife thinks I'm stepping out on her, which is fucking

ridiculous.

I am.

A Christian man.

And I take my vows extremely seriously.

Do you want to know what little old Gemini thinks?

Yeah.

Right, yeah.

We're having a conversation, you know.

I'm one penny for these stones.

I guess so.

I think that woman of yours is crazy.

Yeah. You're a good man.

I agree with that. Don't think about that, old bag.

Gemini's hair make it all better.

Ew, get off me. Oh, my God.

Someone run a hot bath. I think I got the itch from this one.

Hey, it's Creighton, your delivery driver slash potential Lyft driver. If

like to save 40 % on a ride right now by using promo code, I'm already at your

house.

Thanks, but I'm actually staying in tonight.

Sounds good, fam.

Well, I've got your tequila and your Hawaiian punch. You're not going to mix

those, are you? No. Cool, because that would be gross.

Then I've got some ice cream, a few boxes of tissues, some cheese puffs. A

order of nachos, a large order of nachos. For tomorrow.

Right on. And a vibrator.

Man, Walgreens has everything these days.

Well, I'm out of here, fam. Remember, five stars.

Hey, before you go, I could really use a male perspective.

Oh, sweet. Yeah, I'm one of those.

Okay, so...

went on a few dates with this guy, right?

And he stopped responding to my text. Okay.

I think I'm being ghosted, but that's impossible.

I've never been broken up with, let alone ignored.

Do you think it's possible that maybe he's been camping for a couple days, and

he texted to let me know as he entered a no -service zone, but unbeknownst to

him, I didn't get it, and now he's not getting my text?

No.

Okay. Well... What about this would make you not want to respond?

Oh, wow.

All of it?

That's a lot of blue.

Well, yes, because it's clear, concise, and only occasionally hysterical. Do you

have any proof that he likes you? Well, he watched my Insta story, so I can only

assume he's obsessed with me.

Plus, he posted a picture from the bar where we had our first date.

Oh, fam, he's there with another girl.

She could be the waitress. You know.

One of those waitresses that doesn't wear a uniform and sits at the table and

has her own place setting.

You know what? I'll just ask him. I'll just send a few quick paragraphs. No,

no. No more paragraphs, okay?

Think about it like a bar of soap. Right now, you're squeezing it too hard and

it's going to slip through your fingers. But if you live your life and ignore

the bar of soap, then it might text you back.

I'm sorry. Ice body wash?

Look, you can spend all night trying to get him to love you, or you can get out

there and learn how to love yourself.

I see.

Trying to get him to text me back is never going to work.

But if I live it up on my Insta stories, which I know he's watching, he'll get

jealous in response. No, no, no. That's way more cynical and complicated than

what I would suggest.

Kiss me.

Um, okay, Sam.

I was used.

Wild party? Wow, I am hilariously single. Where are my other strong single

females at?

I don't think that's going to work. It worked!

Cool. Really good. I think this relationship is going to go super far.

happy for you.

Anyway, I'm out. Five stars.

No.

You started this. You have to see it through.

Or else, I'll give you four.

Darn.

Murph, never listen.

Sometimes I'll just put on headphones in the middle of an argument.

I had two minutes left on my podcast. She tries to solve every problem with

and our arguments get pretty sweaty, so it's disgusting.

One time I heard him call his mom, Mumsy. How am I supposed to blow this

She once stabbed me with a particularly rigid tortilla chip because she didn't

want to share her nachos. He says he doesn't want appetizers, and then I

one, and then suddenly he's complaining because he's getting stabbed.

She follows way too many CW teen stars on Instagram.

They're not teens. They just play them on TV. It's legal.

I'm always catching her watching porn on my computer.

My Dell is riddled with viruses.

At my high school reunion, he challenged my 7th grade boyfriend, Ron, to a foot

race. After repeatedly losing, he declared that Ron had won me fair and

How was I supposed to know that he's happily married and no longer hung up on

Emily? He was there with his husband.

And his husband was a track coach, so it was kind of cheating, right? It was

cheating. Okay, I think that's enough.

Are you sure? I have so many more complaints.

Yeah, me too. She pees in the hot tub sometimes. She told me. One time I got

microwaving leftover sushi!

Sorry, I was afraid I was gonna forget it if I didn't get it out there. Go on.

What are you two doing to deal with all these stresses?

Arguing? Have you ever tried talking about your feelings?

That's what the arguments are for.

We actually live above a restaurant, and if you go to their Yelp, people

complain about how noisy we are. We're kind of famous.

Sometimes the cooks just turn off the radio and listen to us like a podcast.

Okay. Normally, I would encourage my clients to come to their own

but in this case, I'm going to ignore everything I base my thesis on and just

say, I think you two should break up.

Is that our time? No.

That's the strip club next door.

Is that a thing couples counselors do? Tell people to break up?

Who cares?

Psychology is a pseudoscience. Says the girl who thinks aliens built Stonehenge.

Um, they're actually called ancient astronauts. Have some respect for our

forefathers, Murph. But you're right. We do need a second opinion.

Yeah.

A fresh perspective.

Fresher than the fresh one we just got. I think it's time we paid a visit to an

old friend of mine.

I don't think you're allowed to keep me as your hostage indefinitely, but I

can't find anything in lived terms and conditions.

Oh, please.

This isn't kidnapping.

It's blackmail.

And if it makes me feel any better, I'll queue up a bunch more orders.

Wouldn't it be cheaper for you to just get therapy? Oh, my God, shut up. It's

him. He said... What you up to?

Weird facial emoji.

Should I tell him the truth?

Oh, no, you can't do that, fam.

Then he'll know how sad and weird you are.

Right.

How about... Crazy night.

Just got back from Paris. Ha ha! Super bold lie. Should be home around two if

you wanted to stop by.

Whoa, hold on, fam.

I don't know if a booty text is going to get you the desired result if you

really like this guy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I should clarify.

I don't like him. I just want to reject him.

So you're not going to hook up with him? No.

So you've been texting him all night? Mm -hmm. Waiting on his responses with

bated breath?

Absolutely. But you're not going to hook up with him? Right.

I'm sorry, Sam. I'm just having a hard time trusting the decision -making of

anyone who cries while drinking Hawaiian Punch tequila. I told you. It's a

margarita. Okay?

There's a flavorful salt rim.

That's cheese puff dust.

Be honest.

Okay.

Admittedly, this is not my best self, but I am not going to hook up with him.

He's going to stop by, and I'll be here looking all hot, and I'll be like...

I'm sorry. I'm actually kind of tired. Rain check? At which point he'll

apologize, which will totally throw me off because suddenly he'll be giving me

this positive male attention that I really, really crave. Maybe because of

broken relationship with my father. Anyways, then I'll start hooking up with

him. Pam.

It's time for the living to become the ghost.

Oh, my God.

You're absolutely right.

He's the last one that texted.

If I don't respond... Then you're the ghost.

The ghost.

The ghost.

And then I win.

I win dating!

Well, my work here is done.

Or I guess my work here was done a while ago, but then you kept me here under

duress. Anyway, I'm going to go home.

Hey, Creighton.

You're a real five -star guy.

Thanks, Pam.

Oh, shit, I accidentally submitted the four -star review I was threatening you

with before.

No!

You know, normally when I do marital counseling, it's for married couples who

to church.

And not in the middle of the night. Well, we're having a biblical crisis.

Plus, I grew up Catholic, so I'm pretty much the prodigal son, and you have to

help me. Yeah, and also, you're free.

So, here's the deal, Dad.

It's father.

A dad is a kind of father. Not this kind of father. Whatever, I don't know your

weird Catholic daddy term.

Sorry, I just saw the movie Spotlight, so I'm a little dubious.

And a little behind on awards contenders.

Did you two have something you wanted to talk with me about? Sorry.

We're looking for help with our conflict resolution.

Yeah, we had a bad experience with our therapist. She was a real fat person, so

we're looking for someone who kind of takes a different approach, you know.

No offense.

None taken. What she's trying to say is that our therapist lacked faith.

You're so goddamn condescending. Jesus Christ, Emily, you just said the Lord's

name in vain. So did you.

What? No, I just said the dude's name. You said damn. Hers is worse, right,

Father? Oh, go ahead.

Tell on me, you little rat.

Got real Judas over here, huh, Dad?

Okay, I think you should break up. What?

We weren't even fighting that hard.

I don't know, we kind of were. We weren't! Okay, it's not just the

two have a toxic energy.

You feed off each other. You make each other worse.

Okay. All right. Okay, yeah. You want to talk toxic energy, huh, Dad?

I know what you did to those kids, Dad! He didn't do anything, and it's father!

Yeah, well, I better get going.

Ball and Jane's complaining that I'm out late.

Oh, no, don't go.

And hey.

Thanks for listening.

Magenta, are you here yet? I'm trying to get home.

I'll be tomorrow.

What are we doing here, Gemini? We both know we want this.

Let's run away tonight.

Ew, no, I have a boyfriend.

A boyfriend?

How could you do that to me?

This isn't you.

I know you.

The real you.

A woman named Gemini who...

Doesn't have a last name and doesn't have any of her own problems and wears a

little hat, has naturally sparkly eyelids. You're not acting like

You know what?

Oh, right. Let's deal with her this evening.

Okay.

You're absolutely right.

Yeah. You know me so well.

I really do.

It's just... I may be trapped in a loveless relationship, but I can't skip

because... Um... The kids.

Right, but you would if it weren't for the kids.

In a heartbeat.

Just know that it tears me apart knowing I gotta share you with that wife of

yours. Well...

You've convinced me. We can't be together.

Goodbye.

I'll never forget you, Gemini.

I'll never forget you, Cole.

Cole. That's my name. You remembered my name.

Oh, my God. Okay. You know what? I'm out of your hair. That's the page with the

nuts. I'm gone.

Okay. One last chance.

We tried therapy. We tried faith.

So now we're going to get drunk?

So now we're going to talk to a bartender, okay?

Barflies have been getting advice from bartenders for centuries.

I mean, they might not take the advice because they're all raging alcoholics,

but you get my point.

I don't know. It's pretty crowded. It's fine. It's part of their job.

Where can I get you? A good question.

Complicated one, really. I'm going to need a little something sweet with a

of wisdom. You lost your chance. You.

Me? Hey,

how's your night?

Busy.

Busy. I have been there. You know, me and my fiancé, we were going... Would

someone like to actually order a drink?

Yeah, can I get a whiskey ginger?

I feel... No, no, no. That was rude.

Excuse me. Sorry. I have to throw you. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Excuse me, miss.

But you were just rude to my fiance.

I tried to take her order. But you didn't try hard enough, did you?

No. You heard the words, but you didn't listen.

You need to put in more of an effort if you want to make it work.

What the fuck are you talking about? No, but at the same time, you can't let the

fact that there's all this pressure from all these outside forces make you take

it out on him. I mean, that is just being emotionally neglectful.

I'm sorry. I should have talked to you before I ordered the cake.

I get it. You're about to be a bride. You're tired of people pushing their

opinions on you. Hey, get the fuck out the way.

It's okay. I honestly think that we're both letting other people get to us too

much. Jerry, can you help me kick a couple of people out?

Fuck that, you know?

Fuck that therapist.

Go ahead and fuck that priest, too.

Whoa. That's religious.

We want to be together, so we'll make this work.