Original subtitles

A pop original series.

Ma 'am, check it out. One of my co -workers just showed me this new app

Date Rate.

Unfortunate name. Yeah, you really gotta hit the P.

Anyway, with Date Rate, you can go on and rate anyone you've ever dated. Wow,

this is rich. Welcome to the future, ladies and gentlemen, where everyone is

reduced to a number.

Am I on it? I don't know. I couldn't see because I was blinded by all these

stars. Dang, my man's a solid four.

Wait.

You only have one review.

I'm still a four.

And honestly, I remember that date. It wasn't even that good. We went to the

movies, then I ate a little too much popcorn and had to go home early.

The bar is insanely low for men.

He took me to see Looper, then threw up on my shoe.

And I threw up on her. That's where I lost this star.

Oh, my God, I'm on here.

Oh, my God, I'm on here. What does it say?

Nothing. It says that this app is crap.

Whoa! Don't throw my phone. You'll break it. That wouldn't even delete the app.

That's a really good call. We should just delete it. Let's just delete it. I

want to see your rating. Give me the phone. I want to see your rating. Give

the phone. Hey!

No!

Holy shit.

I'm totally out of your league.

This is why you're over.

One star, Emily?

Whatever. It's too bad.

It's actually 1 .25. Don't round down.

And anyway, I'm sure it's for some sexist reason like I didn't put out.

Emily snuck out the bathroom window mid -date, then texted me that she had to

catch a flight.

I'm creative.

A problem solver. Never had anyone so clearly use me for a meal.

After housing a bone -in tomahawk ribeye, she ordered a raw steak to go so

could cook it at home.

Resourceful. Totally thinking. Emily took off her bra in the middle of the

because she said it was, quote, digging into her tits.

I would have thought she was trying to be sexy, except for all the popcorn that

fell out. You gotta let the girls breathe.

Speaking of which... That's better.

Where's this even from? When's the last time we went to a movie?

So long ago.

Avengers. Infinity War?

Yeah.

You are bad at dating.

Whatever. I know about five minutes into a date whether or not I like someone. I

think that's a good thing.

Forgive me if I don't feel the need to put on airs and to cuddle eagles.

Most of these reviews are about how you snuck out bathroom windows. Maybe if you

listen to people every once in a while... Shut up. According to my math,

get one more five -star review, that bumps me up to 2 .6, which is, according

all accounts, above average. Above half. We don't know what the average rating

is on here.

I'm sorry, Murph.

I need to go on a date with another man.

Absolutely not.

Please? No.

You could go on a date with someone.

And risk my perfect four?

Not perfect. It's a four.

Maybe I could go on a date with a woman. They're much kinder with their reviews.

No way. I'm not getting tricked into letting you date someone who understands

your body and emotions.

Okay, fine.

We'll do it your way. I'll go on a date with a man.

That's better. Wait, no.

Murph, please. This is serious, okay?

It's the first thing that comes up when you Google me.

That could really compromise my Etsy store whenever I get around to making an

account and all the things that sell on it. Fine.

But I get to pick the guy.

And I'm going to pick a real turd.

Great. Probably be easier to impress him.

Dating is a nightmare.

Answering the same questions over and over.

Reducing yourself to the same talking points night after night.

That's why there's Fast Forward.

Fast Forward is the dating app that lets you skip the insecure beginning of a

relationship and jump headfirst into the way too comfortable part when you don't

have to shave your legs or anything, honestly.

Scientists at Fast Forward have discovered that dating is actually the

efficient way to find your soulmate.

I used to go on all these dates where I had to pretend to be active and curious.

I remember one time saying that I had a passion for outdoor recreation.

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I usually just watch reruns of

Office because I don't like to be challenged or try new things.

And I don't have to run the shower to, like, hide my morning dump or try to be

sexy in any way.

If I want sex, I just, like, chuck a condom at him.

Hey, Paul, do you want to have sex real quick? The delivery guy's almost here,

and I'm going to be too full after.

Yeah, sure.

Cool. Fast Forward is like Fast Pass for a relationship.

Act like the garbage person you really are.

We're a perfect match.

I have HBO Now, whereas she has Netflix.

I mean, I guess we don't really have anything in common other than our TV

preferences. But mostly we just sit on our phones next to each other.

Oh, uh, did you want to go to a farmer's market on Sunday?

Uh, no.

Thank fucking God.

Fast forward.

Don't just put out. Give up.

Thank you for choosing Sperms of Endearment, Rebecca. My name's Tom, and

going to help you find some strong swimmers. Sure, whatever.

I just want a kid and guys suck.

I'll probably have a better time with the turkey baster.

Well, there's no turkey baster involved, but nevertheless, I'm just here to help

you find a donor.

So, our first candidate here went to UConn, graduated summa cum laude, was

actually the lacrosse captain, and our records show good health.

What's his drink of choice?

That's an odd question.

Is it?

I'm choosing the hypothetical father of my child.

I need to know how annoying he is at bars.

It says he's into craft beer.

So he's a frat boy who learned the word hot.

Pat, swipe, neck.

How about an entrepreneur?

Like a real entrepreneur?

Or one of those people who sells weight loss raps on Facebook?

They're actually weight loss supplements, and that's just one of his

hustles. Cool. Well, he should hustle his way to a job interview.

How about an animal lover? This one's a veterinarian.

Is he one of those people who says doggo?

Clearly I don't know that. It's not on the sheet.

Well... I'm not going to risk it. Those people are fucking annoying.

Perhaps a botanist who's studying invasive plant species in the wetlands.

Hmm, that could be interesting.

What are his thoughts on Game of Thrones?

Oh, it's actually one of his interests.

Bill, I mean, it started out great, but it devolved into fan service.

A volunteer firefighter. But why isn't he a professional firefighter? Who

All I see is that he has dark hair, he's 5 '9", and has a high rate of

fertilization. Weirdly specific.

Pass!

Does he listen to fantasy football podcasts?

Has he ever had a bird as a pet?

Does he like to sit in the front seat of the lift and chat?

Does he say nom nom when something tastes good or huzzah?

Does he clap when the plane lands?

Does he post vacation pics of his feet?

What? Like pictures of his feet in the sand or by a pool. I don't want to see

anyone's feet. Free the nipple, sure, but hide the feet.

I'm at a loss here, Rebecca.

Oh, oh, wait.

The lacrosse captain from UConn actually has Game of Thrones as one of his

interests, but only before it devolved into fan service.

Sure, whatever.

Get out the turkey baster. I think I'm ready. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You need a

physician. And again, we've been through this. There is no turkey baster. Huh?

Did you do no research?

You pick the donor here, but a physician does the insemination. Wait.

Seriously? I have to go through all that for some good enough schmuck I could

easily get a date with in real life?

Hey, no pictures!

Too cool.

Too hot.

Too rich.

Hey, what do you think of him?

Pretty good.

Too appealing.

Oh, what about this loser?

This guy's employment status says he's in between jobs for now.

I mean, honestly, same, but at least I have the good sense to lie about it.

One of his interests is just movies.

What does that even mean? Like all movies? Because there's a lot of bad

One of his other interests is sports. Just all the sports.

Yeah, he seems pretty lame. Next.

Nope, he's perfect.

Completely inoffensive.

Feel like I could take him in a fight, but also in trivia.

He's the perfect man for me.

For you.

You get what I mean.

What are you doing? My date's going to be here soon.

Relax. You got here early.

Yeah, so I could get a good rating. Now, Scram, you're going to make it look

like I've lined up a bunch of dates for tonight.

Fine. I hope you impress your date.

But remember, I'm watching you. And also, I'm a little drunk, so it might

emotional. Oh, he's here.

Emily?

Hi, Corey.

Wow, you look even better than your picture.

Well, I was in a really bad place when I made that profile. I never bothered

updating it because I've been so busy. Busy? So, did you get a job?

No. I got a career.

I'm a park ranger now. Well, a field biologist, but that sounds a bit

pretentious.

Wow.

Intelligent and rugged.

What can I say? I love animals.

I try to volunteer when I'm not reading or building furniture.

Oh, come on. Anyway, enough about me. What about you?

Me? Oh, I'm also an animal lover.

Oh, cats or dogs?

Well, my apartment doesn't allow dogs, but I do have a cat that lives in my

wall. Technically, he doesn't belong to me, but I like to think that the food I

leave out attracts the rats that he eats.

Yeah. Yep, yep, you're right to laugh because that was a joke and not

real that happened.

I love a girl with a sense of humor.

Who, me?

Stop.

In all seriousness, Patton Oswalt did fade my tweet one time.

Crazy to meet another husky on a dating app.

Yes, I also went to UConn. We have so much in common.

Let's cut the shit. I need to find out if you've got good genes.

Whoa, talking about kids on the first date. I knew when I signed up for Fast

Forward that things would move quickly, but I thought that just meant we could,

like, fart and wear sweatpants.

Well, start simple.

What are you going to order?

I was thinking, like, a burger.

Classic. Old -fashioned, but in a good way. I approve.

Thanks. Are you taking notes?

What Harry Potter house are you?

Oh, um, I don't know. I like the books, but I don't really care which house I

am. Excellent.

That was a trick question, but you passed.

Nice. So are you like a dog or a cat person?

Sorry, this isn't about me.

Did you have braces as a child? I don't think I can afford screwed up teeth on a

bartender's salary.

No. How much did you weigh when you were born? I was told by a very rude Tinder

date that I have a small vagina.

Like five pounds?

Very good. You are saying all the right things.

Rebecca, this date is kind of feeling like a job interview.

Devin? I would like to have unprotected sex with you.

Just like a really good job interview?

Yeah, I'm in.

Fantastic.

Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. It's my mom, and family is really important

to me.

Damn, you're smooth.

This thing is a bust. We need to abort the mission.

What are you talking about? It's going great.

And that's why it's a bust.

This guy was supposed to be a turd. Instead, he's hot shit.

Hot chick, cold turd, what's the difference? I need the stars.

You've been flirting with him.

Yeah, it's supposed to be a good date. It's supposed to be a sham date. But the

heat is real and we need to get out of the kitchen. He's coming back. Get away

from your little rat.

I didn't get to four stars by running away.

Fine. You want to play this game?

I said go away, creep!

Is this guy bothering you, Emily?

How very generic. Did you get that from one of your movies that you love so

much? Why don't we just go somewhere else, Corey? Don't worry about me,

I'm ex -military.

Brown belt in Brazilian jiu -jitsu.

Oh, not good enough for black belt. Black belt in judo. Oh, shit. Seriously?

I am so sorry, dude. I didn't mean to... I don't!

Ha ha! Screw your black belt, dude! I've been watching pro wrestling since I was

three! Ric Flair, baby!

Woo! Yeah!

Oh, my God, Murph!

Wait, you know him?

No! I am beyond confused.

Sorry, force of habit. Murph gets into a lot of fights, and I'm often left

defending his unconscious body.

Not that I know him.

Hey, do you want to get out of here? Yes.

Okay. By myself.

Right after I finish posting this one -star review for you. What? No!

But I thought the day was going pretty well.

Until my fiancé attacked you.

Okay, me in the middle. 3 .5 stars.

I'll give you two if you let me knock him out again.

I'll take the one.

Devin, I need to come clean.

I know that you're a sperm donor. I got your information, and I found you on the

Fast Forward app because I was trying to circumvent the process.

I wanted to settle down and wear sweatpants with you, but you were just

strong swimmer?

You disgust me.

Where did everyone pick up this brief?

Careful. That lighter was recalled.

Sorry. Force of habit. Volunteer fireman.

A volunteer firefighter. Why isn't he a professional?

Who knows? All I see is that he has dark hair, he's 5 '9", has a high rate of

fertilization.

Sorry if this is forward, but are you a donor for Sperms of Endearment?

Yeah, but I don't do it for the money. I do it to help people.

These little swimmers are changing lives.

I bet they are.

What are your thoughts on Game of Thrones?

I loved it.

Well, before it devolved into fanservice.

Do you want to get a drink?

Sure.

Good thing you ordered an extra uncooked steak to go.

Emily brought her fiancé with her to our day, and together, they attacked me.

I think maybe they wanted money, but they did it in the middle of a

She's a stupid criminal.

Hey, you are not stupid.

Well, my rating is even worse now. Thanks so much, Mark.

Look, I don't remember much of what happened tonight on account of my

concussion. Hell, I don't remember the past three days or the name of my

childhood dog.

What was I talking about?

I think you were trying to give me a pep talk.

Right. One thing I do remember is that you defended me.

That's some real ride -or -die shit. None of this rating stuff matters.

Oh, I think this is our lift.

Creighton? Hey, Murph.

Sorry, I had to cancel your ride. You have a one -star passenger rating, which

is, frankly, abysmal. You must be very rude or destructive or both. I don't

know. Maybe you just have a toxic personality.

Anyway, I can't have you messing up my web, so... What?

No. Have a good night, Pam.