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A pop original series.
2
00:00:11,690 --> 00:00:15,649
Ma 'am, check it out. One of my co
-workers just showed me this new app
3
00:00:15,650 --> 00:00:16,700
Date Rate.
4
00:00:17,030 --> 00:00:19,710
Unfortunate name. Yeah, you really gotta
hit the P.
5
00:00:20,010 --> 00:00:24,390
Anyway, with Date Rate, you can go on
and rate anyone you've ever dated. Wow,
6
00:00:24,510 --> 00:00:28,529
this is rich. Welcome to the future,
ladies and gentlemen, where everyone is
7
00:00:28,530 --> 00:00:29,790
reduced to a number.
8
00:00:31,020 --> 00:00:35,859
Am I on it? I don't know. I couldn't see
because I was blinded by all these
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00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:38,880
stars. Dang, my man's a solid four.
10
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:41,490
Wait.
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00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,100
You only have one review.
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00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,740
I'm still a four.
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00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:49,479
And honestly, I remember that date. It
wasn't even that good. We went to the
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00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,539
movies, then I ate a little too much
popcorn and had to go home early.
15
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:54,440
The bar is insanely low for men.
16
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,090
He took me to see Looper, then threw up
on my shoe.
17
00:00:57,420 --> 00:01:00,160
And I threw up on her. That's where I
lost this star.
18
00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:01,900
Oh, my God, I'm on here.
19
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,710
Oh, my God, I'm on here. What does it
say?
20
00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:07,620
Nothing. It says that this app is crap.
21
00:01:07,860 --> 00:01:12,200
Whoa! Don't throw my phone. You'll break
it. That wouldn't even delete the app.
22
00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:15,199
That's a really good call. We should
just delete it. Let's just delete it. I
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00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,879
want to see your rating. Give me the
phone. I want to see your rating. Give
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00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:18,930
the phone. Hey!
25
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,390
No!
26
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,380
Holy shit.
27
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,700
I'm totally out of your league.
28
00:01:29,420 --> 00:01:30,560
This is why you're over.
29
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:45,480
One star, Emily?
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00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,020
Whatever. It's too bad.
31
00:01:47,820 --> 00:01:49,820
It's actually 1 .25. Don't round down.
32
00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:54,320
And anyway, I'm sure it's for some
sexist reason like I didn't put out.
33
00:01:55,120 --> 00:02:00,559
Emily snuck out the bathroom window mid
-date, then texted me that she had to
34
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,610
catch a flight.
35
00:02:01,611 --> 00:02:02,699
I'm creative.
36
00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:07,640
A problem solver. Never had anyone so
clearly use me for a meal.
37
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:14,719
After housing a bone -in tomahawk
ribeye, she ordered a raw steak to go so
38
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:15,960
could cook it at home.
39
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:20,939
Resourceful. Totally thinking. Emily
took off her bra in the middle of the
40
00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:24,540
because she said it was, quote, digging
into her tits.
41
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,059
I would have thought she was trying to
be sexy, except for all the popcorn that
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00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:31,110
fell out. You gotta let the girls
breathe.
43
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,280
Speaking of which... That's better.
44
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,539
Where's this even from? When's the last
time we went to a movie?
45
00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:40,590
So long ago.
46
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,980
Avengers. Infinity War?
47
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,450
Yeah.
48
00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:46,480
You are bad at dating.
49
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,859
Whatever. I know about five minutes into
a date whether or not I like someone. I
50
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:52,079
think that's a good thing.
51
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,180
Forgive me if I don't feel the need to
put on airs and to cuddle eagles.
52
00:02:56,181 --> 00:02:59,979
Most of these reviews are about how you
snuck out bathroom windows. Maybe if you
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00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:03,299
listen to people every once in a
while... Shut up. According to my math,
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00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:08,039
get one more five -star review, that
bumps me up to 2 .6, which is, according
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00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:12,099
all accounts, above average. Above half.
We don't know what the average rating
56
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,150
is on here.
57
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,210
I'm sorry, Murph.
58
00:03:15,980 --> 00:03:18,120
I need to go on a date with another man.
59
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,090
Absolutely not.
60
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:21,270
Please? No.
61
00:03:21,271 --> 00:03:23,099
You could go on a date with someone.
62
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,920
And risk my perfect four?
63
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,140
Not perfect. It's a four.
64
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:30,759
Maybe I could go on a date with a woman.
They're much kinder with their reviews.
65
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,519
No way. I'm not getting tricked into
letting you date someone who understands
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00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:34,660
your body and emotions.
67
00:03:34,661 --> 00:03:36,079
Okay, fine.
68
00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:38,370
We'll do it your way. I'll go on a date
with a man.
69
00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,000
That's better. Wait, no.
70
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,800
Murph, please. This is serious, okay?
71
00:03:42,801 --> 00:03:45,909
It's the first thing that comes up when
you Google me.
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00:03:45,910 --> 00:03:51,589
That could really compromise my Etsy
store whenever I get around to making an
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00:03:51,590 --> 00:03:54,230
account and all the things that sell on
it. Fine.
74
00:03:54,530 --> 00:03:55,750
But I get to pick the guy.
75
00:03:56,030 --> 00:03:57,910
And I'm going to pick a real turd.
76
00:03:58,110 --> 00:04:00,450
Great. Probably be easier to impress
him.
77
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:03,250
Dating is a nightmare.
78
00:04:03,750 --> 00:04:06,030
Answering the same questions over and
over.
79
00:04:06,270 --> 00:04:09,520
Reducing yourself to the same talking
points night after night.
80
00:04:09,990 --> 00:04:12,070
That's why there's Fast Forward.
81
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,999
Fast Forward is the dating app that lets
you skip the insecure beginning of a
82
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:22,539
relationship and jump headfirst into the
way too comfortable part when you don't
83
00:04:22,540 --> 00:04:26,780
have to shave your legs or anything,
honestly.
84
00:04:28,940 --> 00:04:33,079
Scientists at Fast Forward have
discovered that dating is actually the
85
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,900
efficient way to find your soulmate.
86
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:38,939
I used to go on all these dates where I
had to pretend to be active and curious.
87
00:04:38,940 --> 00:04:43,580
I remember one time saying that I had a
passion for outdoor recreation.
88
00:04:43,581 --> 00:04:47,819
I don't even know what the fuck that
means. I usually just watch reruns of
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00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:50,950
Office because I don't like to be
challenged or try new things.
90
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:57,659
And I don't have to run the shower to,
like, hide my morning dump or try to be
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00:04:57,660 --> 00:04:58,780
sexy in any way.
92
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,860
If I want sex, I just, like, chuck a
condom at him.
93
00:05:02,861 --> 00:05:07,469
Hey, Paul, do you want to have sex real
quick? The delivery guy's almost here,
94
00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:09,089
and I'm going to be too full after.
95
00:05:09,090 --> 00:05:10,140
Yeah, sure.
96
00:05:10,690 --> 00:05:14,390
Cool. Fast Forward is like Fast Pass for
a relationship.
97
00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:17,350
Act like the garbage person you really
are.
98
00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:20,290
We're a perfect match.
99
00:05:20,730 --> 00:05:23,330
I have HBO Now, whereas she has Netflix.
100
00:05:23,331 --> 00:05:27,309
I mean, I guess we don't really have
anything in common other than our TV
101
00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:30,680
preferences. But mostly we just sit on
our phones next to each other.
102
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:35,970
Oh, uh, did you want to go to a farmer's
market on Sunday?
103
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,420
Uh, no.
104
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:39,370
Thank fucking God.
105
00:05:39,850 --> 00:05:40,900
Fast forward.
106
00:05:41,010 --> 00:05:42,810
Don't just put out. Give up.
107
00:05:44,030 --> 00:05:47,829
Thank you for choosing Sperms of
Endearment, Rebecca. My name's Tom, and
108
00:05:47,830 --> 00:05:50,769
going to help you find some strong
swimmers. Sure, whatever.
109
00:05:50,770 --> 00:05:52,430
I just want a kid and guys suck.
110
00:05:52,910 --> 00:05:55,740
I'll probably have a better time with
the turkey baster.
111
00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:59,589
Well, there's no turkey baster involved,
but nevertheless, I'm just here to help
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00:05:59,590 --> 00:06:00,349
you find a donor.
113
00:06:00,350 --> 00:06:05,489
So, our first candidate here went to
UConn, graduated summa cum laude, was
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00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:08,800
actually the lacrosse captain, and our
records show good health.
115
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,290
What's his drink of choice?
116
00:06:11,530 --> 00:06:12,830
That's an odd question.
117
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:14,269
Is it?
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00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:17,230
I'm choosing the hypothetical father of
my child.
119
00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,850
I need to know how annoying he is at
bars.
120
00:06:20,310 --> 00:06:22,150
It says he's into craft beer.
121
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,040
So he's a frat boy who learned the word
hot.
122
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,860
Pat, swipe, neck.
123
00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:28,640
How about an entrepreneur?
124
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,160
Like a real entrepreneur?
125
00:06:30,161 --> 00:06:33,359
Or one of those people who sells weight
loss raps on Facebook?
126
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,939
They're actually weight loss
supplements, and that's just one of his
127
00:06:36,940 --> 00:06:41,520
hustles. Cool. Well, he should hustle
his way to a job interview.
128
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,590
How about an animal lover? This one's a
veterinarian.
129
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,040
Is he one of those people who says
doggo?
130
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,650
Clearly I don't know that. It's not on
the sheet.
131
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,270
Well... I'm not going to risk it. Those
people are fucking annoying.
132
00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:57,970
Perhaps a botanist who's studying
invasive plant species in the wetlands.
133
00:06:58,230 --> 00:06:59,790
Hmm, that could be interesting.
134
00:07:00,090 --> 00:07:02,200
What are his thoughts on Game of
Thrones?
135
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:04,150
Oh, it's actually one of his interests.
136
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:07,790
Bill, I mean, it started out great, but
it devolved into fan service.
137
00:07:08,030 --> 00:07:13,790
A volunteer firefighter. But why isn't
he a professional firefighter? Who
138
00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:17,649
All I see is that he has dark hair, he's
5 '9", and has a high rate of
139
00:07:17,650 --> 00:07:19,330
fertilization. Weirdly specific.
140
00:07:19,490 --> 00:07:20,540
Pass!
141
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,760
Does he listen to fantasy football
podcasts?
142
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,160
Has he ever had a bird as a pet?
143
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:30,060
Does he like to sit in the front seat of
the lift and chat?
144
00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:34,760
Does he say nom nom when something
tastes good or huzzah?
145
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:36,780
Does he clap when the plane lands?
146
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,800
Does he post vacation pics of his feet?
147
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:45,319
What? Like pictures of his feet in the
sand or by a pool. I don't want to see
148
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:48,140
anyone's feet. Free the nipple, sure,
but hide the feet.
149
00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:49,940
I'm at a loss here, Rebecca.
150
00:07:50,740 --> 00:07:52,000
Oh, oh, wait.
151
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:56,819
The lacrosse captain from UConn actually
has Game of Thrones as one of his
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00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:59,840
interests, but only before it devolved
into fan service.
153
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,650
Sure, whatever.
154
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,599
Get out the turkey baster. I think I'm
ready. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You need a
155
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:10,760
physician. And again, we've been through
this. There is no turkey baster. Huh?
156
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,460
Did you do no research?
157
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,300
You pick the donor here, but a physician
does the insemination. Wait.
158
00:08:16,301 --> 00:08:20,269
Seriously? I have to go through all that
for some good enough schmuck I could
159
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:22,110
easily get a date with in real life?
160
00:08:25,450 --> 00:08:26,650
Hey, no pictures!
161
00:08:28,021 --> 00:08:30,069
Too cool.
162
00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:31,120
Too hot.
163
00:08:31,121 --> 00:08:32,229
Too rich.
164
00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:33,670
Hey, what do you think of him?
165
00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:34,920
Pretty good.
166
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:36,140
Too appealing.
167
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,780
Oh, what about this loser?
168
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,740
This guy's employment status says he's
in between jobs for now.
169
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:48,020
I mean, honestly, same, but at least I
have the good sense to lie about it.
170
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:49,980
One of his interests is just movies.
171
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:54,330
What does that even mean? Like all
movies? Because there's a lot of bad
172
00:08:54,540 --> 00:08:57,370
One of his other interests is sports.
Just all the sports.
173
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,860
Yeah, he seems pretty lame. Next.
174
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:01,460
Nope, he's perfect.
175
00:09:01,461 --> 00:09:03,199
Completely inoffensive.
176
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,859
Feel like I could take him in a fight,
but also in trivia.
177
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:07,420
He's the perfect man for me.
178
00:09:08,940 --> 00:09:09,990
For you.
179
00:09:10,420 --> 00:09:11,470
You get what I mean.
180
00:09:31,951 --> 00:09:36,699
What are you doing? My date's going to
be here soon.
181
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:37,940
Relax. You got here early.
182
00:09:37,941 --> 00:09:41,799
Yeah, so I could get a good rating. Now,
Scram, you're going to make it look
183
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,759
like I've lined up a bunch of dates for
tonight.
184
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,340
Fine. I hope you impress your date.
185
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,879
But remember, I'm watching you. And
also, I'm a little drunk, so it might
186
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,180
emotional. Oh, he's here.
187
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,330
Emily?
188
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:55,760
Hi, Corey.
189
00:09:57,670 --> 00:10:00,230
Wow, you look even better than your
picture.
190
00:10:00,510 --> 00:10:04,849
Well, I was in a really bad place when I
made that profile. I never bothered
191
00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:08,850
updating it because I've been so busy.
Busy? So, did you get a job?
192
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:11,470
No. I got a career.
193
00:10:11,850 --> 00:10:15,769
I'm a park ranger now. Well, a field
biologist, but that sounds a bit
194
00:10:15,770 --> 00:10:16,820
pretentious.
195
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:18,700
Wow.
196
00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:20,430
Intelligent and rugged.
197
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,250
What can I say? I love animals.
198
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:26,290
I try to volunteer when I'm not reading
or building furniture.
199
00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:29,710
Oh, come on. Anyway, enough about me.
What about you?
200
00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:32,950
Me? Oh, I'm also an animal lover.
201
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,670
Oh, cats or dogs?
202
00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:38,949
Well, my apartment doesn't allow dogs,
but I do have a cat that lives in my
203
00:10:38,950 --> 00:10:43,169
wall. Technically, he doesn't belong to
me, but I like to think that the food I
204
00:10:43,170 --> 00:10:45,220
leave out attracts the rats that he
eats.
205
00:10:50,510 --> 00:10:54,069
Yeah. Yep, yep, you're right to laugh
because that was a joke and not
206
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,120
real that happened.
207
00:10:55,950 --> 00:10:57,750
I love a girl with a sense of humor.
208
00:10:57,751 --> 00:10:59,009
Who, me?
209
00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:00,060
Stop.
210
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:05,890
In all seriousness, Patton Oswalt did
fade my tweet one time.
211
00:11:08,450 --> 00:11:10,830
Crazy to meet another husky on a dating
app.
212
00:11:11,110 --> 00:11:14,890
Yes, I also went to UConn. We have so
much in common.
213
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,160
Let's cut the shit. I need to find out
if you've got good genes.
214
00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:27,339
Whoa, talking about kids on the first
date. I knew when I signed up for Fast
215
00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:30,559
Forward that things would move quickly,
but I thought that just meant we could,
216
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,079
like, fart and wear sweatpants.
217
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,039
Well, start simple.
218
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,379
What are you going to order?
219
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:35,619
I was thinking, like, a burger.
220
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:38,460
Classic. Old -fashioned, but in a good
way. I approve.
221
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,680
Thanks. Are you taking notes?
222
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,520
What Harry Potter house are you?
223
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:47,979
Oh, um, I don't know. I like the books,
but I don't really care which house I
224
00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:49,030
am. Excellent.
225
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,630
That was a trick question, but you
passed.
226
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:54,260
Nice. So are you like a dog or a cat
person?
227
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,260
Sorry, this isn't about me.
228
00:11:57,220 --> 00:12:01,519
Did you have braces as a child? I don't
think I can afford screwed up teeth on a
229
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:02,570
bartender's salary.
230
00:12:02,571 --> 00:12:06,339
No. How much did you weigh when you were
born? I was told by a very rude Tinder
231
00:12:06,340 --> 00:12:07,840
date that I have a small vagina.
232
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:09,310
Like five pounds?
233
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,850
Very good. You are saying all the right
things.
234
00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:15,130
Rebecca, this date is kind of feeling
like a job interview.
235
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:19,590
Devin? I would like to have unprotected
sex with you.
236
00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:22,930
Just like a really good job interview?
237
00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:24,180
Yeah, I'm in.
238
00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:25,340
Fantastic.
239
00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:32,429
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. It's
my mom, and family is really important
240
00:12:32,430 --> 00:12:33,480
to me.
241
00:12:35,070 --> 00:12:36,330
Damn, you're smooth.
242
00:12:36,331 --> 00:12:39,669
This thing is a bust. We need to abort
the mission.
243
00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:41,509
What are you talking about? It's going
great.
244
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:42,589
And that's why it's a bust.
245
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:45,420
This guy was supposed to be a turd.
Instead, he's hot shit.
246
00:12:45,450 --> 00:12:48,580
Hot chick, cold turd, what's the
difference? I need the stars.
247
00:12:48,581 --> 00:12:50,389
You've been flirting with him.
248
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:54,829
Yeah, it's supposed to be a good date.
It's supposed to be a sham date. But the
249
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:58,049
heat is real and we need to get out of
the kitchen. He's coming back. Get away
250
00:12:58,050 --> 00:12:59,089
from your little rat.
251
00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:01,200
I didn't get to four stars by running
away.
252
00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,530
Fine. You want to play this game?
253
00:13:09,950 --> 00:13:11,470
I said go away, creep!
254
00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:14,950
Is this guy bothering you, Emily?
255
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:20,449
How very generic. Did you get that from
one of your movies that you love so
256
00:13:20,450 --> 00:13:23,969
much? Why don't we just go somewhere
else, Corey? Don't worry about me,
257
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,050
I'm ex -military.
258
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,110
Brown belt in Brazilian jiu -jitsu.
259
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:31,000
Oh, not good enough for black belt.
Black belt in judo. Oh, shit. Seriously?
260
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:36,370
I am so sorry, dude. I didn't mean to...
I don't!
261
00:13:36,371 --> 00:13:40,709
Ha ha! Screw your black belt, dude! I've
been watching pro wrestling since I was
262
00:13:40,710 --> 00:13:42,010
three! Ric Flair, baby!
263
00:13:42,270 --> 00:13:43,320
Woo! Yeah!
264
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:45,510
Oh, my God, Murph!
265
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,090
Wait, you know him?
266
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,700
No! I am beyond confused.
267
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:53,599
Sorry, force of habit. Murph gets into a
lot of fights, and I'm often left
268
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,220
defending his unconscious body.
269
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,020
Not that I know him.
270
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,620
Hey, do you want to get out of here?
Yes.
271
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,320
Okay. By myself.
272
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:05,420
Right after I finish posting this one
-star review for you. What? No!
273
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,870
But I thought the day was going pretty
well.
274
00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:10,020
Until my fiancé attacked you.
275
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,380
Okay, me in the middle. 3 .5 stars.
276
00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:16,340
I'll give you two if you let me knock
him out again.
277
00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:23,490
I'll take the one.
278
00:14:32,150 --> 00:14:34,330
Devin, I need to come clean.
279
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:38,709
I know that you're a sperm donor. I got
your information, and I found you on the
280
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:41,960
Fast Forward app because I was trying to
circumvent the process.
281
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:46,829
I wanted to settle down and wear
sweatpants with you, but you were just
282
00:14:46,830 --> 00:14:47,880
strong swimmer?
283
00:14:48,950 --> 00:14:50,310
You disgust me.
284
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:53,270
Where did everyone pick up this brief?
285
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:59,510
Careful. That lighter was recalled.
286
00:15:00,570 --> 00:15:03,030
Sorry. Force of habit. Volunteer
fireman.
287
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:07,850
A volunteer firefighter. Why isn't he a
professional?
288
00:15:09,250 --> 00:15:13,689
Who knows? All I see is that he has dark
hair, he's 5 '9", has a high rate of
289
00:15:13,690 --> 00:15:14,740
fertilization.
290
00:15:15,230 --> 00:15:19,270
Sorry if this is forward, but are you a
donor for Sperms of Endearment?
291
00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:22,500
Yeah, but I don't do it for the money. I
do it to help people.
292
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:24,880
These little swimmers are changing
lives.
293
00:15:25,010 --> 00:15:26,060
I bet they are.
294
00:15:28,090 --> 00:15:30,260
What are your thoughts on Game of
Thrones?
295
00:15:30,261 --> 00:15:31,389
I loved it.
296
00:15:31,390 --> 00:15:33,590
Well, before it devolved into
fanservice.
297
00:15:34,270 --> 00:15:35,530
Do you want to get a drink?
298
00:15:35,790 --> 00:15:36,840
Sure.
299
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,560
Good thing you ordered an extra uncooked
steak to go.
300
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:47,520
Emily brought her fiancé with her to our
day, and together, they attacked me.
301
00:15:47,740 --> 00:15:51,380
I think maybe they wanted money, but
they did it in the middle of a
302
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,400
She's a stupid criminal.
303
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,700
Hey, you are not stupid.
304
00:15:56,060 --> 00:16:00,080
Well, my rating is even worse now.
Thanks so much, Mark.
305
00:16:00,081 --> 00:16:03,299
Look, I don't remember much of what
happened tonight on account of my
306
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:07,199
concussion. Hell, I don't remember the
past three days or the name of my
307
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,250
childhood dog.
308
00:16:10,021 --> 00:16:12,539
What was I talking about?
309
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:14,710
I think you were trying to give me a pep
talk.
310
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:18,220
Right. One thing I do remember is that
you defended me.
311
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,020
That's some real ride -or -die shit.
None of this rating stuff matters.
312
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,000
Oh, I think this is our lift.
313
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:28,020
Creighton? Hey, Murph.
314
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,759
Sorry, I had to cancel your ride. You
have a one -star passenger rating, which
315
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:37,939
is, frankly, abysmal. You must be very
rude or destructive or both. I don't
316
00:16:37,940 --> 00:16:40,230
know. Maybe you just have a toxic
personality.
317
00:16:40,420 --> 00:16:43,580
Anyway, I can't have you messing up my
web, so... What?
318
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:47,160
No. Have a good night, Pam.
319
00:16:47,210 --> 00:16:51,760
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