Original subtitles

A pop original series.

According to the website, the Maison Dupree Inn & Suites was originally a

ground for orphans during the Civil War.

In the late 1800s, it was acquired by notable eccentric and rumored vampire

Georges Fontainebleau. In 1987, it became a bed and breakfast.

The ghosts of its previous tenants remain.

We should have stayed at a hotel.

Hello?

I feel like I'm breaking and entering.

All part of the bed and breakfast experience.

When you're here, you're family.

That's Olive Garden.

Also, I thought the point of this trip was to get away from family.

And wedding planning.

And my indefinite unemployment.

The point was to reconnect, you know? Hang out, just the two of us.

By going to someone else's house?

Someone else's house that has a sick hot tub.

A shared hot tub, which means if we want to use it, we need to talk to

strangers, navels out.

And you know how I feel about my Audi.

Ooh, look at the local color.

That prays racist.

Let me guess, there's a glass -blowing museum that's only open on Tuesdays, a

Civil War reenactment that favors the South, and a Mexican restaurant run by

white people.

Damn, you're good.

Well... I know one local attraction that can't miss.

Welcome.

Complimentary, Sazerac.

Sure. Thank you. Thanks.

Get out of nowhere.

Hi, I'm Marie Fountain Blue.

We are so tickled to have you in our company. We do hope that you will join

for the cocktail hour. We like to get to know our guests.

When you're here, you're family.

Are they legally allowed to say that?

Thank you very much, Marie, but I think we'll mostly keep to ourselves.

To yourselves?

But this is a bed and breakfast.

Yeah, but we were kind of hoping to rekindle and sort of keep to

ourselves.

Let me show y 'all to your room.

Okay.

Okay, I'll admit it. This place is a bit creepy.

Should we go out?

There's a place called the Dancing Mare that's open until 8.

Oh, so it just closed.

Or we could go watch a reenactment of the War of Northern Aggression.

Or we could skip straight to the Reconnecting.

Hmm, I like that.

Jesus, how long has she been out there? I didn't even hear her footsteps.

I made you cookies.

Mama's favorite recipe.

We're good.

All right, then. I can tell when my guests are looking for their privacy.

Are those antique condoms?

This hospitality is a bit much.

Jesus, did they have that thing scheduled to the 10th?

At least their neighbors are enjoying the ambience.

Oh, it is so good to be away from the twins.

Happy anniversary, Seth.

No, Beth, I can't think of a better way to celebrate than with a good old

-fashioned fuck weekend. When was our last sexual sabbatical?

Santa Fe, 2015.

We stayed in that poolside hacienda. Oh, and we made such a mess we had to leave

a blank check with housekeeping.

Hope the housekeeper's good here.

Seth? Oh, good God, that's creepy.

Okay, now it just looks like an infant crime scene. Take it off. Take it off.

Oh, it's creepier. Oh, my God. Eyes moved. Oh, my gosh. That little devil is

possessed by the spirit of a Civil War orphan.

No, no, no. It's okay. Hey, hey, look.

Just got rattled when the blanket hit it. No, I'm sorry. I can't perform like

this. Oh, you don't have to perform like it. Look, let's readjust. Let's

readjust.

How's this? Better?

No one's grandma's watching us.

Isn't that the woman who runs this place?

How old is she?

Must have been some kind of reenactment.

That is a convincing Lincoln she's standing with.

Okay, regroup. Let's try a different view.

All right.

Yeah, I don't mind this one bit. Yeah.

No,

no.

Jesus knows?

What does he know? Sounds like a threat.

I may only go to church on Christmas, but I can't have sex if Jesus knows. I

mean, he would approve, right? I mean, we're married.

Okay, let's just stop talking about Jesus and do it under the covers.

Okay.

Like Vermont, 2012.

We had the cabin creaking so loud, I thought they were going to call ski

I thought Bernie Sanders was going to have to change the name of the city to

fuck. Oh.

Uh,

Beth? Uh, yes, Beth. You want to say something dirty to me?

Uh, no. This blanket, I think it's made out of children's communion dresses.

What is wrong with these people?

Can't tell I was approaching.

Be a shame if you miss it.

That woman gives me the heebie -jeebies.

Although...

A little vino might be just the thing we need to get our minds off of the empty

bassinet in the corner.

Did you rock it? I didn't rock it.

Okay, yeah, we definitely need some spirits.

I'll go get some.

Okay, son, let's make that.

You didn't tell me the bathrooms were also shared. I just got cornered by a

from Georgia who kept insisting I join her and her husband in the hot tub.

Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather stay at a boring hotel with no personality? No

personality and no ghosts.

Okay. Cool. Well, maybe next time you'll be the one to take a break from

planning a whole goddamn wedding to plan a whole goddamn vacation. Oh, are you

planning a wedding?

Or are you trying to sabotage one? Because last night you suggested no

and all pass apps?

I wanted to do jumbo pigs in a blanket.

That's hot dogs, Emily. You're talking about serving hot dogs at our wedding.

God damn it!

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that we drove three hours to fight about wedding planning.

I need a drink. Where can we even get one? Everywhere around here closes at 8

.m. Cocktail hour?

Be there or be...

Crittled with regret.

Coming!

Okay. If we want to wipe a bottle of wine from the cocktail hour without

attracting the attention of Marie or any chatty guests, we'll need a

distraction. What kind of distraction?

Something big. Fire. Heart attack.

Oh my!

Is that a deer in the backyard?

That's something.

Go, go, go.

George.

This is the fellow I was telling you about.

And this must be your little lady.

Wow.

Isn't she so small?

Did you hear?

There's a deer in the backyard.

My mother died a few years ago, and whenever I see a deer, I know that she

looking down on me.

You must join us.

In the hot tub.

Happy hour!

Would you all like some cheese or meat?

Oh, no, we're going in the hot tub.

Oh, where'd they go?

They're so adorable.

Why are they so pushy about the hot tub? Are those chatty people trying to fuck

us? Okay, the main hall has been compromised, but luckily for us, there

map of the property in the welcome packet.

Okay, I think we should split up.

I'll go in through the kitchen and try to sneak around the front. And I will

stake out the parlor and wait for an opening.

Be safe.

Oh, you

hospitable

wench.

Keeps on, boy.

We stole that. You're damn right. I can spend 20 minutes listening to Marie talk

about a glass -blowing museum. I earned this. Well, I need that for my fuck

weekend. I need it for my fuck weekend.

Fine. Tell you what.

Pour half of that into my flask here. Come on.

Hook a mama up.

No, you degenerate. This is mine.

Okay, fine.

I need to get your mitts off this.

Oh, crudité.

Oh, my God, a Civil War ghost.

Oh, forgive my manners. I'm Isaiah, Marie's husband.

I was participating in a reenactment downtown.

But seeing as you're here, you want to learn about the property? It's got a

history, and I sure do love sharing it with our guests in excruciating detail.

Give it to me. It's my anniversary.

Well, now it's the anniversary of the night I kicked your ass.

Mom.

What are you doing all the way over here?

Spirit's acting up tonight.

Who is she talking to?

Fontainebleau.

Bought the manor after marrying the daughter of a rich plantation owner.

She disappeared.

Just after the nuptials.

Rumor has it she's buried under these here floorboards.

Then it was a tuberculosis hospital.

The stench of death and destruction for ever staying in these walls.

Then it was a Ruby Tuesdays. Oh, well, that sounds nice. Cheesecake factory

moved in next door.

Put her out of business.

Papa, did you tell him about the glass -blowing museum?

I did not, Mom.

He's all yours.

Oh. Okay, temporary alliance.

Whoever gets the bottle of wine puts it with the other couple. Deal?

Why would I trust you? You just said you were going to kick my ass.

Ah, and then I didn't deliver on that promise. I see where I lost your trust.

Okay, here.

Hang on to my license until the wine is properly divvied. They make me do this

at the bowling alley, and I've never stolen another pair of shoes.

This looks very expired.

There's no time to nitpick.

Fine. You got yourself a deal.

Okay. Here's the plan.

You go out back by the hot tub, come around front, and ring the welcome bell.

Marie will come greet you, and I will grab the wine.

This whole area is fenced in. It's just the hot tub.

Well, hey there, fella.

We're just pruning out here, waiting for some company.

You knew. You should have never trusted me, sucker.

The tub feels so good on my bra.

I wouldn't talk about rashes.

There's some jacket.

We got a local art show on Tuesdays. They got wind chimes, bar chimes.

Uh, what else do they have? Oh, they have all kinds of indigenous knickknacks

well. Dream catchers, pan flute.

Oh, I actually play the pan flute, believe it or not. Is that right?

I just happen to have a pan flute right here.

Why don't you play us a song?

Yeah, go on.

Of course you have a pan flute.

I can definitely play a song.

Well, that wasn't very good at all.

That's half the time.

My word, the dinner's back.

How about that?

God,

it's good to see you.

Ew,

you taste like pan flute. Come on, we're home free.

How did you get back in?

I double locked that door. And I punched through the glass to get back in.

Respect. It's my anniversary fuck weekend, and nothing is getting in my

Wait. It's your anniversary?

Yeah.

You know what?

You keep the wine.

Congratulations, Ben.

We'll take that.

God, it's good to see you.

Sorry, we were just warming up for our wine -soaked lovemaking.

That sounds good.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much.

kind. Those two are so nice. They're really nice.

I am exhausted.

That's the most physical activity I've done since... How many years has it been

since I had to take a gym class?

Real talk, though.

That was really fun.

Yeah. We were like Lethal Weapon down there.

I call 9 -0 Gibson! I call 9 -0 Gibson!

You know, the cocktail hour's over.

Host is probably going to bed, so... No more distraction?

No more distraction.

Look who got a connecting room.

You two want to step outside for some post rub -a -dub -dub and a sub -a -dub

-dub?

Eh, fuck it, sure.

Yeah.

How about we pop this before we get croony hands, among other things.

Okay, I definitely think these chatty people are trying to fuck us.

MC, folks, is jumpy as a tick on a drowning dog.

Play it again.