All language subtitles for Hot Date s02e04 Wedding Planning

A pop original series.

I thought I had a big family. Who are
all these people?

Step -siblings, cousins -in -law, half
-nieces, quarter -nephews. I mean, the

Ashford's reproduced like rabbits.

Also divorce and remarry like rabbits.
Isn't there anyone we can cut from your

freakishly fertile family? I mean, I'm
up to my tits in racist uncles. You

find one family member to disown? Hey, I
already uninvited my aunt that got

caught up in that weight loss rap
pyramid scheme. And if you count the

that died using one of those raps,
that's too good.

Well, the venue's at capacity. We've
only got five spots left and we haven't

even started listing our friends. Lucky
for us, we barely have any. But we have

acquaintances. A couple more hangs with
John and Grant, a few more dinners with

Jake and Sandra, and we're on the hook
to invite them all.

It's fine. We'll just be honest. We have
a very intimate guest list.

You invited the UPS guy.

He waved to me.

Oh, I just remembered he has three kids.
And his partner.

Oh, and I gotta invite the FedEx lady
now. That's it. We're instituting the

Drake rule. No new friends. From now
until the wedding, if you haven't made

lift, we don't hang out with you.

Sorry, what were you saying? I was
texting with Grant.

Emily. What? He just sent me a Facebook
post of some girl he went to high school

with.

She had her birthday at Applebee's.

Stop. Shit -talking people is a slippery
slope to friendship. If you care about

the wedding, you'll cut them off. Okay,
I do care about the wedding.

Don't respond.

But he's so mean and funny.

No new friends.

I'm bored. Let's text someone.

It's been half an hour. We're supposed
to go six months without hanging out

anyone. What are we supposed to do?

You and me could hang out.

No offense, but that sounds kind of
boring.

I'm extremely offended.

Hold up. Grant and John are having a
party tonight.

What does that matter to us?

Don't you see? A party is the perfect
place to not make friends.

There's so many people, you can kind of
just blend in without making any real

connections. I mean, heck, some of the
loneliest times I've ever had have been

at crowded parties.

So sad.

You know what? Stay if you like, but I'm
going.

What? No, if you're going, then I have
to. I need to temper your raw charisma

with my soured spirit.

I'm Stan Brooks, and this is my wife,
Kitty Brooks -Yan.

45 years of wedding planning between the
two of us.

I planned her wedding to her ex
-husband.

Terrible marriage.

Great wedding.

So, what is your vision?

Well, um, we were hoping to keep it kind
of small.

Yeah, less of a formal thing and more
like a party at a bar.

I'm sorry, did we say something funny?

funniest goddamn thing i've ever heard
tell us have you run this party at a bar

idea about your family uh no but it is
our wedding it's not your wedding

it's their wedding you're just a couple
of glorified fucking cake toppers when

your grandma is shitting herself on her
deathbed do you want her one regret to

be that she never got to see her
granddaughter in a wedding dress no all

then let's talk venue How many people
are on your guest list?

Should be about 50.

50 people.

You only know 50 fucking people.

Friends, parents, aunts, uncles,
cousins, coworkers.

All that amounts to only 50 fucking
people. Think!

We can add a few more.

I'll put you down for $2 .50.

Oh, book the banquet hall at the Hilton.
It's lovely in autumn. Oh, you will

love it.

Actually, we were thinking of something
a bit more rustic, like a barn or

something.

You sick son of a bitch.

Excuse me?

Tell me, Liz, when you were a little
girl daydreaming of your big day, did

imagine your future mother -in -law
hoisting up your $5 ,000 dress so you

take a shit in the woods because the
port -a -potty backed up?

We'll do it at a hotel.

Wonderful choice.

Let's talk dinner.

We were thinking buffet style.

I'm going to punch him. I'm going to
punch him right in his fucking face. Let

get this straight. You're going to have
family flying in from all over the

world. Your parents, your mother, the
woman whose pussy you ruined when you

clawed your way out with your dirty
little fingers.

And you're going to make that faint.

ladle her own soup. Sure, you want to be
a budget bride now, but the moment

you're walking down the aisle and you
see the beady little eyes of all your

friends and family just gobbling up
everything you do and spitting out their

judgments. Do you really want your
wedding to be nice enough, but not as

Cousin Julie?

Cousin Julie's running laps around you!

Okay, just, you know what?

Take her checkbooks.

Yeah. Thank you. I am extraordinary at
words and signatures.

He really is.

Ow!

Shit! Dying with my blood?

We prefer it this way.

What's this, babe?

Open it, Bryce.

It's not my birthday.

Just open it.

Jesus Christ. Did my son get someone
pregnant?

Um, no, dumbass.

I'm pregnant.

It's like you're old, so it's just like
a really great joke. Like, I'm like the

young, cute mom, and you're like the
really, really old dad.

Whatever. Holy shit.

We're having a kid.

Okay, no.

First off, I'm not recording, so I need
you to save that energy for the camera.

And second off, I just have like a
couple tweaks.

To your reaction?

How do you want me to react?

Other dads, like, cry and shit. What am
I doing wrong that you're not crying? Do

you not love me? Like, maybe do you want
me to lose a baby or something?

What? Babe, no!

Okay, because, like, last I checked, I
am carrying your child. The least you

could do is shed a few tears so I can
get featured in a Facebook video with

subtitles. Babe, I'm sorry, okay? It was
hard to be organic with the camera in

my face, but I'm here now.

We're having a baby.

Wait, this is actually really good
energy saving.

Did you buy multiples?

Yeah, for multiple takes.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think that Mila
Kunis and Natalie Portman just, like,

nailed Black Swan in one take?

Uh, no. It takes practice to be that hot
of lesbians.

Yeah, okay. I guess we could do it
again.

What's this, babe?

Open it, Gracie.

It's not my birthday.

Just open it.

Oh, my God. I'm going to be a dad.

Number one grandpa.

That's really, really funny because I'm
old.

The joke is that I'm old.

I don't know what to think about.
You're, like, old and you're going to

soon.

Okay, cut!

Babe, I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying my
best here. Can't we just celebrate and

happy? Yeah, like, we can. And we can
also not be featured in BuzzFeed's

proposals and promposals of 2020.

What's a promposal?

Jesus Christ, you are so old. You know
what? We are finito here.

Babe, come on. We're having a child
together.

Like, maybe we are.

I don't know who the father is. You
know, like, we're not official. You

asked me to be your girlfriend.

I'm an adult.

I don't do that.

Oh.

What? Are you serious?

Are you cheating on me?

No, I just said that to manipulate you.
You said... Action!

I'm so happy.

For the record, I still think this was a
bad idea.

It'll be fine. With the right amount of
booze, keeping people at a distance

comes naturally.

Well, let's keep our interaction with
John and Grant to a minimum, okay? I

need a toxic cocktail of their charisma
and... a cocktail.

Hey! New friend!

Yes. How are you, my acquaintances?

Coworkers, really, in the office of
life.

Smooth, Em.

Well, come on in. Everybody's here.

This is intimate.

There's like nine people here.

That's not my fault. He said it was a
party. This is a soiree at best.

There's even finger food. It's fine.

We can be social and not make friends.

So we'll just be total dicks then?

Sorry, you've got a little something in
your teeth right there?

Oh, no. It's just a weird gap.

Nice dress. Is that Target or Walmart?

No, no. Let me guess.

Kmart clearance rack.

Wait. I've got it. Party City off
-season Halloween costume.

Do you have any gum, by the way?

For you.

Hold up. I've seen that outfit before.

Yep. Mm -hmm. That's the same suit and
tie combo that Mickey Mouse wears, you

know, when he does, like, parades and
shit.

You look like a fancy rat.

Wow. A white rug.

Tacky and impractical.

Boop.

Hmm. I don't know. You seem really nice.

No outward flaws.

Just... Fuck you, I guess?

Yeah! Go fuck yourself!

Jeez. Usually being unlikable comes so
easy to me, but tonight it feels so

forced. Well, we excelled nonetheless.

Everyone hates us.

This is a bust.

Let's Irish goodbye our way out of this
mess.

Babe, I can't do another pregnancy
announcement.

You've drained me.

Oh, my God, Bryce. I emotionally
manipulated you like two hours ago.

Get over it. This is the pregnancy photo
shoot.

But you're not showing yet.

Um, yes, that's the point.

Do you think I want a bunch of, like,
pictures of me when I'm, like, five?

and, like, disgusting and, like,
retaining water.

No. I need to establish right now that
I'm going to be one of those, like,

uncomfortably hot moms.

Jesus, Bridge.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Bryce. Could you,
like, stop being so extra?

Now, would you just shut up, get over
here, and grab my tits?

Now, just, like, look natural. You know,
like a natural guy who's just kind of,

like, holding some tits.

Okay, and after that, maybe we talk
about the fact that we're about to have

kid? Maybe?

Yeah, maybe. Like, we could totally do
that, except for kiss my stomach.

Seriously?

You call that a kiss? What is this, a
fucking Jane Austen movie? Kiss me like

you mean it.

You dumb.

I'm just worried that we don't have room
here. I mean, my smart home is

optimized for two inhabitants. Okay,
fine. If you really want to hash out the

logistics of what we're going to do with
the baby, I don't know, it'll sleep on

the couch.

Baby can't sleep on the couch, Bridget.
It'll break its neck.

Oh my god, you are like so obsessed with
this baby and you haven't even met it.

It's like embarrassing.

Seriously, it's like fucking pathetic.
Could you be any thirstier?

Now grab that watering can and water me.

Jesus, Bridget, you haven't thought
about this at all. Yes, I have. I am a

garden, and you're watering me to make
the baby grow? I'm not talking about the

photo shoot, Bridget. I'm talking about
motherhood.

That's a lot of responsibility.

Your life is going to change.

You should think about that.

Oh, my God.

No, you're leaving, but we didn't get to
see you.

Have stuff in the morning.

Come on. One more drink.

No, thank you. We really should get
going.

But you're pouring yourself one now.

Huh? Oh, look at that. Guess I heard the
word drink and just went into

autopilot. Okay.

One more drink. One drink.

One drink.

Remember Drake's law, okay?

No new friends. No matter how great John
and Grant are, we don't have room for

them at our wedding.

Are you drunk?

We said we were going to have one more
drink.

I'm nervous.

Oh shit, they're coming. Keep it
together. Keep it together.

Hey, um, you guys okay?

Some of our friends said you were being
rude, but we figured there had to be an

explanation.

Um, yeah, we're fine, Grant.

What's it to you?

If something's going on, you can talk to
us.

We don't want to talk.

I know.

I was raised in a household where we
were taught to bottle up our emotions.

Ring a bell?

No.

Take your time.

We'll wait.

really small and so we can't invite you
or any of these people i don't want you

all to hate us well it's too late for
that shit talking people is a

slippery slope to friendship hey
everyone sorry i was rude earlier but

ex -girlfriend just posted some weirdly
erotic pregnancy photos and i thought we

could shit talk them together

Oh my god.

This is so boring.

Crazy!

Hey.

Hey.

So I'm, like, super sorry about earlier.

I, like, took myself aside and had,
like, a little self -reflection moment,

you were totally right.

I was, like, going about this the total
wrong way.

When I first found out I was pregnant,
like, the first thing I thought about

was, like, the pregnancy announcement
and, like, how much attention it was

to give me.

But then I realized...

I'm gonna be a mom.

And I can get way more attention doing
that.

Huh? No, no. There are so many boring
-ass moms getting triple -digit likes on

their baby pics, and I'm sorry, some of
their babies are legit ugly. Can you

imagine how cute my baby's going to be
considering how cute I am?

I'm going to take it to pumpkin patches
and rack up the retweets. And then when

it gets older, I can relive my high
school glory through it. And then when

gets even older, I'll be like one of
those hot moms that like flirts with her

daughter's college friends. None of this
is okay with me. All of my life has

been building to this.

Once I'm a mom, I will finally have.

All the attention I've ever craved.

Oh, and Dick?

It's from when she went through a life
coach fade.

Oh, damn. It's 3 a .m. We better get
going.

Aww.

Guys.

Well, thanks for coming, guys. This was
fun.

Minus when you were dicks to our friends
and spilled wine on our carpet.

I still want to kill you for that. And
hey, don't worry about the wedding

We get it.

You're just so kind.

Yeah.

Such good... friend.

Fuck the Drake rule, Em. Let's go for
it.

Do you want to come to our wedding?

Holy shit, did you just... Ah, fuck it.
Do you want to be our best man?

Can I be Emily's best man? No, I want to
be Emily's. I just called it.

You both can be.

Yay!

So insulting.

Well, guess we'll have to spring for a
bigger venue.

We're so fucked.