Original subtitles

A pop original series.

I thought I had a big family. Who are all these people?

Step -siblings, cousins -in -law, half -nieces, quarter -nephews. I mean, the

Ashford's reproduced like rabbits.

Also divorce and remarry like rabbits. Isn't there anyone we can cut from your

freakishly fertile family? I mean, I'm up to my tits in racist uncles. You

find one family member to disown? Hey, I already uninvited my aunt that got

caught up in that weight loss rap pyramid scheme. And if you count the

that died using one of those raps, that's too good.

Well, the venue's at capacity. We've only got five spots left and we haven't

even started listing our friends. Lucky for us, we barely have any. But we have

acquaintances. A couple more hangs with John and Grant, a few more dinners with

Jake and Sandra, and we're on the hook to invite them all.

It's fine. We'll just be honest. We have a very intimate guest list.

You invited the UPS guy.

He waved to me.

Oh, I just remembered he has three kids. And his partner.

Oh, and I gotta invite the FedEx lady now. That's it. We're instituting the

Drake rule. No new friends. From now until the wedding, if you haven't made

lift, we don't hang out with you.

Sorry, what were you saying? I was texting with Grant.

Emily. What? He just sent me a Facebook post of some girl he went to high school

with.

She had her birthday at Applebee's.

Stop. Shit -talking people is a slippery slope to friendship. If you care about

the wedding, you'll cut them off. Okay, I do care about the wedding.

Don't respond.

But he's so mean and funny.

No new friends.

I'm bored. Let's text someone.

It's been half an hour. We're supposed to go six months without hanging out

anyone. What are we supposed to do?

You and me could hang out.

No offense, but that sounds kind of boring.

I'm extremely offended.

Hold up. Grant and John are having a party tonight.

What does that matter to us?

Don't you see? A party is the perfect place to not make friends.

There's so many people, you can kind of just blend in without making any real

connections. I mean, heck, some of the loneliest times I've ever had have been

at crowded parties.

So sad.

You know what? Stay if you like, but I'm going.

What? No, if you're going, then I have to. I need to temper your raw charisma

with my soured spirit.

I'm Stan Brooks, and this is my wife, Kitty Brooks -Yan.

45 years of wedding planning between the two of us.

I planned her wedding to her ex -husband.

Terrible marriage.

Great wedding.

So, what is your vision?

Well, um, we were hoping to keep it kind of small.

Yeah, less of a formal thing and more like a party at a bar.

I'm sorry, did we say something funny?

funniest goddamn thing i've ever heard tell us have you run this party at a bar

idea about your family uh no but it is our wedding it's not your wedding

it's their wedding you're just a couple of glorified fucking cake toppers when

your grandma is shitting herself on her deathbed do you want her one regret to

be that she never got to see her granddaughter in a wedding dress no all

then let's talk venue How many people are on your guest list?

Should be about 50.

50 people.

You only know 50 fucking people.

Friends, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, coworkers.

All that amounts to only 50 fucking people. Think!

We can add a few more.

I'll put you down for $2 .50.

Oh, book the banquet hall at the Hilton. It's lovely in autumn. Oh, you will

love it.

Actually, we were thinking of something a bit more rustic, like a barn or

something.

You sick son of a bitch.

Excuse me?

Tell me, Liz, when you were a little girl daydreaming of your big day, did

imagine your future mother -in -law hoisting up your $5 ,000 dress so you

take a shit in the woods because the port -a -potty backed up?

We'll do it at a hotel.

Wonderful choice.

Let's talk dinner.

We were thinking buffet style.

I'm going to punch him. I'm going to punch him right in his fucking face. Let

get this straight. You're going to have family flying in from all over the

world. Your parents, your mother, the woman whose pussy you ruined when you

clawed your way out with your dirty little fingers.

And you're going to make that faint.

ladle her own soup. Sure, you want to be a budget bride now, but the moment

you're walking down the aisle and you see the beady little eyes of all your

friends and family just gobbling up everything you do and spitting out their

judgments. Do you really want your wedding to be nice enough, but not as

Cousin Julie?

Cousin Julie's running laps around you!

Okay, just, you know what?

Take her checkbooks.

Yeah. Thank you. I am extraordinary at words and signatures.

He really is.

Ow!

Shit! Dying with my blood?

We prefer it this way.

What's this, babe?

Open it, Bryce.

It's not my birthday.

Just open it.

Jesus Christ. Did my son get someone pregnant?

Um, no, dumbass.

I'm pregnant.

It's like you're old, so it's just like a really great joke. Like, I'm like the

young, cute mom, and you're like the really, really old dad.

Whatever. Holy shit.

We're having a kid.

Okay, no.

First off, I'm not recording, so I need you to save that energy for the camera.

And second off, I just have like a couple tweaks.

To your reaction?

How do you want me to react?

Other dads, like, cry and shit. What am I doing wrong that you're not crying? Do

you not love me? Like, maybe do you want me to lose a baby or something?

What? Babe, no!

Okay, because, like, last I checked, I am carrying your child. The least you

could do is shed a few tears so I can get featured in a Facebook video with

subtitles. Babe, I'm sorry, okay? It was hard to be organic with the camera in

my face, but I'm here now.

We're having a baby.

Wait, this is actually really good energy saving.

Did you buy multiples?

Yeah, for multiple takes.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think that Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman just, like,

nailed Black Swan in one take?

Uh, no. It takes practice to be that hot of lesbians.

Yeah, okay. I guess we could do it again.

What's this, babe?

Open it, Gracie.

It's not my birthday.

Just open it.

Oh, my God. I'm going to be a dad.

Number one grandpa.

That's really, really funny because I'm old.

The joke is that I'm old.

I don't know what to think about. You're, like, old and you're going to

soon.

Okay, cut!

Babe, I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying my best here. Can't we just celebrate and

happy? Yeah, like, we can. And we can also not be featured in BuzzFeed's

proposals and promposals of 2020.

What's a promposal?

Jesus Christ, you are so old. You know what? We are finito here.

Babe, come on. We're having a child together.

Like, maybe we are.

I don't know who the father is. You know, like, we're not official. You

asked me to be your girlfriend.

I'm an adult.

I don't do that.

Oh.

What? Are you serious?

Are you cheating on me?

No, I just said that to manipulate you. You said... Action!

I'm so happy.

For the record, I still think this was a bad idea.

It'll be fine. With the right amount of booze, keeping people at a distance

comes naturally.

Well, let's keep our interaction with John and Grant to a minimum, okay? I

need a toxic cocktail of their charisma and... a cocktail.

Hey! New friend!

Yes. How are you, my acquaintances?

Coworkers, really, in the office of life.

Smooth, Em.

Well, come on in. Everybody's here.

This is intimate.

There's like nine people here.

That's not my fault. He said it was a party. This is a soiree at best.

There's even finger food. It's fine.

We can be social and not make friends.

So we'll just be total dicks then?

Sorry, you've got a little something in your teeth right there?

Oh, no. It's just a weird gap.

Nice dress. Is that Target or Walmart?

No, no. Let me guess.

Kmart clearance rack.

Wait. I've got it. Party City off -season Halloween costume.

Do you have any gum, by the way?

For you.

Hold up. I've seen that outfit before.

Yep. Mm -hmm. That's the same suit and tie combo that Mickey Mouse wears, you

know, when he does, like, parades and shit.

You look like a fancy rat.

Wow. A white rug.

Tacky and impractical.

Boop.

Hmm. I don't know. You seem really nice.

No outward flaws.

Just... Fuck you, I guess?

Yeah! Go fuck yourself!

Jeez. Usually being unlikable comes so easy to me, but tonight it feels so

forced. Well, we excelled nonetheless.

Everyone hates us.

This is a bust.

Let's Irish goodbye our way out of this mess.

Babe, I can't do another pregnancy announcement.

You've drained me.

Oh, my God, Bryce. I emotionally manipulated you like two hours ago.

Get over it. This is the pregnancy photo shoot.

But you're not showing yet.

Um, yes, that's the point.

Do you think I want a bunch of, like, pictures of me when I'm, like, five?

and, like, disgusting and, like, retaining water.

No. I need to establish right now that I'm going to be one of those, like,

uncomfortably hot moms.

Jesus, Bridge.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Bryce. Could you, like, stop being so extra?

Now, would you just shut up, get over here, and grab my tits?

Now, just, like, look natural. You know, like a natural guy who's just kind of,

like, holding some tits.

Okay, and after that, maybe we talk about the fact that we're about to have

kid? Maybe?

Yeah, maybe. Like, we could totally do that, except for kiss my stomach.

Seriously?

You call that a kiss? What is this, a fucking Jane Austen movie? Kiss me like

you mean it.

You dumb.

I'm just worried that we don't have room here. I mean, my smart home is

optimized for two inhabitants. Okay, fine. If you really want to hash out the

logistics of what we're going to do with the baby, I don't know, it'll sleep on

the couch.

Baby can't sleep on the couch, Bridget. It'll break its neck.

Oh my god, you are like so obsessed with this baby and you haven't even met it.

It's like embarrassing.

Seriously, it's like fucking pathetic. Could you be any thirstier?

Now grab that watering can and water me.

Jesus, Bridget, you haven't thought about this at all. Yes, I have. I am a

garden, and you're watering me to make the baby grow? I'm not talking about the

photo shoot, Bridget. I'm talking about motherhood.

That's a lot of responsibility.

Your life is going to change.

You should think about that.

Oh, my God.

No, you're leaving, but we didn't get to see you.

Have stuff in the morning.

Come on. One more drink.

No, thank you. We really should get going.

But you're pouring yourself one now.

Huh? Oh, look at that. Guess I heard the word drink and just went into

autopilot. Okay.

One more drink. One drink.

One drink.

Remember Drake's law, okay?

No new friends. No matter how great John and Grant are, we don't have room for

them at our wedding.

Are you drunk?

We said we were going to have one more drink.

I'm nervous.

Oh shit, they're coming. Keep it together. Keep it together.

Hey, um, you guys okay?

Some of our friends said you were being rude, but we figured there had to be an

explanation.

Um, yeah, we're fine, Grant.

What's it to you?

If something's going on, you can talk to us.

We don't want to talk.

I know.

I was raised in a household where we were taught to bottle up our emotions.

Ring a bell?

No.

Take your time.

We'll wait.

really small and so we can't invite you or any of these people i don't want you

all to hate us well it's too late for that shit talking people is a

slippery slope to friendship hey everyone sorry i was rude earlier but

ex -girlfriend just posted some weirdly erotic pregnancy photos and i thought we

could shit talk them together

Oh my god.

This is so boring.

Crazy!

Hey.

Hey.

So I'm, like, super sorry about earlier.

I, like, took myself aside and had, like, a little self -reflection moment,

you were totally right.

I was, like, going about this the total wrong way.

When I first found out I was pregnant, like, the first thing I thought about

was, like, the pregnancy announcement and, like, how much attention it was

to give me.

But then I realized...

I'm gonna be a mom.

And I can get way more attention doing that.

Huh? No, no. There are so many boring -ass moms getting triple -digit likes on

their baby pics, and I'm sorry, some of their babies are legit ugly. Can you

imagine how cute my baby's going to be considering how cute I am?

I'm going to take it to pumpkin patches and rack up the retweets. And then when

it gets older, I can relive my high school glory through it. And then when

gets even older, I'll be like one of those hot moms that like flirts with her

daughter's college friends. None of this is okay with me. All of my life has

been building to this.

Once I'm a mom, I will finally have.

All the attention I've ever craved.

Oh, and Dick?

It's from when she went through a life coach fade.

Oh, damn. It's 3 a .m. We better get going.

Aww.

Guys.

Well, thanks for coming, guys. This was fun.

Minus when you were dicks to our friends and spilled wine on our carpet.

I still want to kill you for that. And hey, don't worry about the wedding

We get it.

You're just so kind.

Yeah.

Such good... friend.

Fuck the Drake rule, Em. Let's go for it.

Do you want to come to our wedding?

Holy shit, did you just... Ah, fuck it. Do you want to be our best man?

Can I be Emily's best man? No, I want to be Emily's. I just called it.

You both can be.

Yay!

So insulting.

Well, guess we'll have to spring for a bigger venue.

We're so fucked.