All language subtitles for Hot Date s02e02 Family

A pop original series.

We come to you in the spirit of respect
in the days leading

up to your son's wedding to ask a favor.

Because we messed up.

We got cocky. Too big for our britches.
Our britches are bursting at the seams.

We need a god dang bridge tailor.

So here we are.

Dicks between our thighs.

Tails between our legs. We can't do this
without you.

I'm on my knees here.

And I'm taking a couple heart falls
tonight, so this is just incredibly

I'd say please, but women say please too
much. They say sorry too much. Right,

sorry. What we're trying to say is...
Will

you help us, Mom?

Hey, I'm trying to find something
physical for my mom to criticize so she

doesn't go all in on my personality.

What do you think? Short tie or roomy
jacket?

I'd go jacket. The short tie makes you
look kind of dumb, and she could use

to pivot into how you dropped out of
college. I didn't drop out. I was kicked

out. Shit!

I should probably wear that ugly blouse
she got me for my birthday this year.

You know, I swear, this thing is like
some kind of test.

You know, like, I will buy her the
ugliest blouse I could possibly find and

if she actually wears it.

Emily, she wouldn't do that.

they would or wouldn't do you want me to
lie to you okay

my mom sends us a link to our engagement
present please be

fancy i take it to medieval times or a
precious family heirloom that i could

sell on ebay oh she just digitized some
old videos my meemaw made me i

don't know Well, maybe Meemaw had some
advice about dealing with asshole in

-laws.

No offense.

Hello, Emily.

I'm filming this in case I don't make it
to your wedding day.

I'm old.

I don't have a lot of time left.

If you got married when you were 19 like
me, I would have made it. But nope, you

waited, and so now I'm dead.

Dark.

Regardless, I would like to impart some
wisdom.

To my granddaughter.

Em, this is sweet and all, but I don't
think she knows anything about marriage

in 2019.

Murph, wisdom is eternal.

Oh, young love, I know it too well.

You get a new job as a secretary or a
stewardess. Your boss sexually harasses

you until you break down and agree to go
on a date with him.

Eventually, you get pregnant and he goes
off to war.

You two have so much to look forward to.

Okay, maybe not all wisdom is eternal.

Being a homemaker is difficult.

My advice?

Alcohol. Yes. For the children.

No. Rub it all over their little baby
gums and they'll be done crying in no

time. Don't do it too much, though.
That's how Uncle Dennis got the way

Uncle Dennis was a serial killer. Jesus.

Then there are your womanly duties.

If your husband didn't have his genitals
mangled in a war or a factory accident,

he's going to need a little release from
time to time. Oh, Meemaw. Now, release

for him may not be release for you. I
found my pleasure exploring

my own body.

I enjoy a well -oiled fruit.

We'll have a bottle of the Salvin
Unblank, the $25 one.

Money's no object when it comes to my
Ashley.

Oh, Steve, you take such good care of
me.

And I want to take care of you for the
rest of your life.

Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

Oh, Steve. I know it seems quick, but
when you know, you know.

I already got your father's blessing.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry, just to backpedal. You asked
my dad?

Of course.

Ew. Why?

Wanted to make sure he approved.

So you went to a 55 -year -old man's
house and asked him to weigh in on who

daughter should bone for the rest of her
life?

Yeah, I wanted his blessing.

I mean, who knows you better than your
dad?

My mom, my siblings, my cousins,
friends, coworkers, chatty nails, salon

employees, literally anyone who follows
me on Instagram.

This Thanksgiving, he was shocked to
find out I have a deadly nut allergy.

I've had it since I was six. To be fair,
that's more of a mom thing to know.

Every year, he gets me a generic Visa
gift card for my birthday.

He can't think of one thing that I like.
Well, he knows you like money.

Half the time, he calls me by my
sister's name. Regardless, you're still

little girl. I'm 32.

But he's still your daddy.

I'm going to spew caprese salad if you
say daddy one more time. Look.

We were just a couple of guys getting a
beer. It's not like I gave him a dowry

or something. That would actually be
less sexist, and at least then my

would have a goat I could visit. Oh,
everything's sexist nowadays. What's so

sexist about two men fitting around
deciding what's best for a 30 -year -old

woman? Huh?

Okay, whatever. The real reason I needed
to talk to your dad was this.

It's your grandma's ring.

Ew!

What? Why would I... want a used ring
that my grandma died in? You know she

racist, right?

Just say yes or no, Ash. No!

What? I didn't think you would actually
say no.

Ash! I'm thinking the chicken parmesan,
but let me ask you, sir.

How tomatoey is your tomato sauce?

Wait.

Don't tell me.

Surprise me.

Nonsense.

He'll have the arrata bucatelo.

Mom, I can order for myself.

Clearly you can't. I've taken you to the
best restaurant in the entire city and

you've ordered something you could get
at Pizza Hut.

Um, no you can't. I would know. I had it
for dinner three times this week. Wait,

um, should we cheer?

To what?

To me joining the family?

Well, if we're going to be drinking to
that, I'm going to need something a

little stronger than table wine.

Um,

love the shirt you got me, by the way.
Did I pass the test?

Cheers!

Now that we've gotten that mindless
superstition out of the way, let's talk

about the wedding.

Wait, Mom, you want to talk about the
wedding? Because when I told you about

you said I'd give it a week and try to
set me up with your personal trainer's

daughter. She was very beautiful. I can
see why you would. Seeing as this is one

label I cannot seem to get off my jar,
no matter how long I soak it, I have

to a place of peace with your coupling.

And we'd like to make you an offer.

I'd like to pay for the wedding.

Oh, my God.

Linda, I am humbled.

That's enough. Okay. If I'm going to be
slapping my name on this event, I do

have a few demands.

You mean suggestions?

A wedding is not about you.

It's about the family.

Now. I've been in talks with both St.
Mary's and St. Luke's. We will go with

whoever has the best date and the less
bald priest.

I'm actually a lapsed Wiccan, and I was
thinking that my wedding was the perfect

time to recommit myself to the moon
goddess.

Or we could just avoid religion
altogether.

Emily and I actually found a very cool
barn on Pinterest. You're going to love

it. Check it out. It's very cute. I want
all this and at least one passage about

hell.

Emily, keep Saturday the 16th open.
We're going shopping.

Okay. I have an inn at one of the few
boutiques that still does a good,

long -sleeved, turtleneck wedding dress.

We wouldn't want you sewing the wedding
album with some plunging neckline.

Especially when there's so little to
plunge, too.

She always does this. When I was six, I
wanted to have a Batman birthday party,

and she threw a gala for Wayne
Enterprises. I had to wear a tuxedo.

I can't believe I agreed to convert to
Catholicism. I mean, your mom has some

kind of evil power.

Do you think she's lucky? Hey, my mom is
not a sex demon.

She's some other kind of demon.

You know, maybe it's all her fancy wine
coursing through my veins, or maybe it's

the fact that I'm more than 60 feet away
from her, but...

I don't even want her money. Yeah.

This is our wedding.

A Murph and Emily joint. I should call
her right now and tell her to fuck off.

Yeah. And I should call that barn venue
that she hated right now and book it.

Yeah. That'll show her. Please go to
voicemail. Please go to voicemail. This

Linda. Leave a message.

Hey, Mom.

Uh, thank you for the offer, but we
don't want your money.

So you can take your string quartets and
your uncomfortably religious ceremonies

and shove them where your teeth kiss the
seat.

Hi, Romantic and Rustic Weddings by
Francois. What dates do you have

All of them?

Huh. That's awesome.

I'd like to put in a deposit and claim
one right now. You've hijacked every

party I've ever had, but you're not
going to do it this time. No.

I might even dress up like Batman.

My credit card? Of course.

Three, eight, four, seven... Oh, you
have to grab a pen and write it down?

you are rustic. I mean, realistically, I
probably won't dress up like Batman,

probably wear a suit, but I'm going to
wear one that I like, not one that you

like, so screw you!

Yes! Oh!

God, I feel so free! I feel like an
eagle, just going around being free and

eating snakes and stuff.

I'm 99 .9 % sure that she'll take my
life for this, but for now, I'm living

the moment, baby!

Woo -hoo!

So how much did the venue end up being?
Six grand.

$6 ,000?

Yeah, but it's cool, because I put it on
credit cards, so we just have to pay it

back eventually.

Okay.

Anyway, listen to these glowing reviews.

Francois' barn is a rustic, backwoodsy,
nightmare.

I wouldn't schedule anything here unless
I hated my friends and family.

Everyone ended the night covered in mud,
and one of my cousins got Zika from all

the mosquitoes swarming the many deep
pools of standing water.

I took a turn.

You know what?

Some people are particular.

I'll feed you another one.

Cheers!

Okay. To the most miserable night of my
life spent at the sulfur -spewing

shit -smear that is Francois' barn.

We'd assumed that the alligator's
crossing sign was for decoration until

-vows when an alligator emerged from a
nearby bog and vomited up a still

-breathing possum.

One more?

That's the last one.

It's from 2015.

I guess everyone else had the good sense
to read the review.

Then call him back?

I'm calling,

he's not answering.

Then we need to go there and get our
deposit back. We can't afford $6 ,000

shed. Okay, okay.

Hi, I stormed out of here dramatically
before and I left my card.

Thank you.

Ashley, wait.

Steve, I told you, it's over.

You brought my dad.

Of course, he knows best after all.

What about our conversation would make
you think I want my dad more involved?

Hon, you gotta take him back.

Kid's a good egg.

I promise you, Beth.

Ashley, that's your sister.

The good one.

No offense, Dad, but I am looking for
more than just a good egg.

She's just being difficult.

Don't I know it, brother.

Okay, cut it off. Would you two stop
having conversations about me? Aw, come

Ashley. Who knows you better than dear
old Dad?

My mom, my siblings, my cousins,
friends, coworkers.

Okay, we've been through this.

Look, Ashley, what about all the losers
you've brought home over the years? And

that fella with all the tattoos.

So hot.

Or that knucklehead with a motorcycle.

Went so fast.

Oh my God, I miss Van.

Or that hooligan wannabe rap star.

I should have never dumped Post Malone.
And then finally, my little girl brings

home a grade A winner in Steve.

An honest fella. Tucks in a shirt.

Has the coolest running shoes.

A really big phone that's awesome.

Although, they're kind of hard to read
sometimes.

You know what I mean? It's a big phone,
but they make the type so small. I think

it's in settings. Oh, my God.

I'm dating my father.

That's a real compliment. She likes you.
All right. Thank you, Dad. You've

helped me realize what I really need.

To get back together with Vance.

He looked so hot on that motorcycle. The
streetlight hit his neck tattoos just

right.

I knew it was a shock.

Uh, hi, Francois.

Oh, you're still emanated. Yeah.

Despite it, they laid the egg and I'm
being born again. So, you know, gone.

Did you understand that? I'm going to
pretend I didn't.

Um, hi.

No, I booked this place accidentally.

Total mistake. My finger slipped and I
gave you my credit card. Anyways, I'm

just trying to figure out how to cancel.

Oh.

Well, you ain't seen the time in
agreement, then.

No, I'm afraid I did not. Yeah, well,
this here, a legally binding contract.

And, uh, if you're trying to break it,
I'm liable to give it to you.

Your deposit is mine.

Absolutely. We understand.

Really looking forward to our big day.

Holy shit! Don't go from a dude with a
knife!

We'll be rough patches.

Maybe you'll disagree about what you
want for dinner. Or maybe you'll find

about the secret family he has in Korea.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to open that.

When I find you, I'm going to punch you
in my head to fake up your pole.

What kind of crazy head gibberish is
that?

French? Okay, I found a way out of here
through the woods. Let's boogie. No!

You read the reviews. There are, and I
quote, sexually frustrated alligators on

the property.

Well, I hope they're not too horny. Now,
go, go, go.

Oh, Murph, I'm stuck. My bow is back.
What bow? You got like 50 bows.

Blue one.

There's like four blue ones. I'm
starting to lose my patience.

There you is.

Okay, okay.

You got it?

Yes, I did.

If you take our money, just let us go.

Okay. I'll let you go, but I need one
more thing from you.

A positive review.

You shot at us.

Jesus! I'm deaf!

One positive review coming right up! And
you make sure you mention how very,

very nice I was personally.

Do you want to just write this?

No, no. My hands are full.

Will you help us, Mom?

Well, you are my son.

And I am a forgiving mother.

So I'll help you.

But first, you'll have to beg.

Jesus, I thought that's what we were
doing.

I am incompetent and incapable. The only
reason I'm still alive is because of

your motherly grace. I'm a fucking idiot
and I suck!

Excuse my language, Mom.

I deem your groveling acceptable.

I'll help you. Thank you. First things
first.

You need to cancel your card.

17th National Bank, this is Emily
Ashford.

My card number is 384 -759 -2769
-472957.

I'll need it canceled and all charges
made tonight rejected.

Thank you. How does she know that?

We could have just called and disputed
the charges.

Now that I've scratched your back, I
have been in talks with St. Luke's, and

they have a new priest there with all
the raw charisma of Father McCarthy

without the allegations.

No, Mom.

Thank you for bailing us out, but time
for us to grow up.

We've got to do the wedding ourselves.

Pay for it, plan it, the work.

We can't keep crawling back to you every
time we have a problem.

Much as I enjoy spending time with you.

Thank you for dinner, by the way. Yes,
well, I suppose I'll have to give you an

advance on your wedding present.

Wait, you're going to give us money?

You're showing real initiative.

I prefer that you just do it my way, but
I'll settle for the pair of you growing

a pair.

And there's no strings attached?

You have to invite your cousins.

But there's like 40 of them. They're all
so annoying on Facebook.

Well, then I guess... No, no, no, no.
It's good. We're cool. They can come.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Murph.

Or should I say... Um, Mrs. Lee Murphy
will do

just fine.

Okay. That blouse is hideous, by the
way. I only got it for you as a test.

I knew it!

And there's your in -law.

Sure, they'll judge your housekeeping,
parenting, and decision to remarry after

you've been widowed by polio.

But don't let those bastards come
between you, your partner, and what

matters.

Being faithful to each other. There's so
many incurable sexually transmitted

diseases out there, many of which can
kill you.

That's what got me in the end.

Goodnight, sweetheart.