Original subtitles

A pop original series.

We come to you in the spirit of respect in the days leading

up to your son's wedding to ask a favor.

Because we messed up.

We got cocky. Too big for our britches. Our britches are bursting at the seams.

We need a god dang bridge tailor.

So here we are.

Dicks between our thighs.

Tails between our legs. We can't do this without you.

I'm on my knees here.

And I'm taking a couple heart falls tonight, so this is just incredibly

I'd say please, but women say please too much. They say sorry too much. Right,

sorry. What we're trying to say is... Will

you help us, Mom?

Hey, I'm trying to find something physical for my mom to criticize so she

doesn't go all in on my personality.

What do you think? Short tie or roomy jacket?

I'd go jacket. The short tie makes you look kind of dumb, and she could use

to pivot into how you dropped out of college. I didn't drop out. I was kicked

out. Shit!

I should probably wear that ugly blouse she got me for my birthday this year.

You know, I swear, this thing is like some kind of test.

You know, like, I will buy her the ugliest blouse I could possibly find and

if she actually wears it.

Emily, she wouldn't do that.

they would or wouldn't do you want me to lie to you okay

my mom sends us a link to our engagement present please be

fancy i take it to medieval times or a precious family heirloom that i could

sell on ebay oh she just digitized some old videos my meemaw made me i

don't know Well, maybe Meemaw had some advice about dealing with asshole in

-laws.

No offense.

Hello, Emily.

I'm filming this in case I don't make it to your wedding day.

I'm old.

I don't have a lot of time left.

If you got married when you were 19 like me, I would have made it. But nope, you

waited, and so now I'm dead.

Dark.

Regardless, I would like to impart some wisdom.

To my granddaughter.

Em, this is sweet and all, but I don't think she knows anything about marriage

in 2019.

Murph, wisdom is eternal.

Oh, young love, I know it too well.

You get a new job as a secretary or a stewardess. Your boss sexually harasses

you until you break down and agree to go on a date with him.

Eventually, you get pregnant and he goes off to war.

You two have so much to look forward to.

Okay, maybe not all wisdom is eternal.

Being a homemaker is difficult.

My advice?

Alcohol. Yes. For the children.

No. Rub it all over their little baby gums and they'll be done crying in no

time. Don't do it too much, though. That's how Uncle Dennis got the way

Uncle Dennis was a serial killer. Jesus.

Then there are your womanly duties.

If your husband didn't have his genitals mangled in a war or a factory accident,

he's going to need a little release from time to time. Oh, Meemaw. Now, release

for him may not be release for you. I found my pleasure exploring

my own body.

I enjoy a well -oiled fruit.

We'll have a bottle of the Salvin Unblank, the $25 one.

Money's no object when it comes to my Ashley.

Oh, Steve, you take such good care of me.

And I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.

Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

Oh, Steve. I know it seems quick, but when you know, you know.

I already got your father's blessing.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry, just to backpedal. You asked my dad?

Of course.

Ew. Why?

Wanted to make sure he approved.

So you went to a 55 -year -old man's house and asked him to weigh in on who

daughter should bone for the rest of her life?

Yeah, I wanted his blessing.

I mean, who knows you better than your dad?

My mom, my siblings, my cousins, friends, coworkers, chatty nails, salon

employees, literally anyone who follows me on Instagram.

This Thanksgiving, he was shocked to find out I have a deadly nut allergy.

I've had it since I was six. To be fair, that's more of a mom thing to know.

Every year, he gets me a generic Visa gift card for my birthday.

He can't think of one thing that I like. Well, he knows you like money.

Half the time, he calls me by my sister's name. Regardless, you're still

little girl. I'm 32.

But he's still your daddy.

I'm going to spew caprese salad if you say daddy one more time. Look.

We were just a couple of guys getting a beer. It's not like I gave him a dowry

or something. That would actually be less sexist, and at least then my

would have a goat I could visit. Oh, everything's sexist nowadays. What's so

sexist about two men fitting around deciding what's best for a 30 -year -old

woman? Huh?

Okay, whatever. The real reason I needed to talk to your dad was this.

It's your grandma's ring.

Ew!

What? Why would I... want a used ring that my grandma died in? You know she

racist, right?

Just say yes or no, Ash. No!

What? I didn't think you would actually say no.

Ash! I'm thinking the chicken parmesan, but let me ask you, sir.

How tomatoey is your tomato sauce?

Wait.

Don't tell me.

Surprise me.

Nonsense.

He'll have the arrata bucatelo.

Mom, I can order for myself.

Clearly you can't. I've taken you to the best restaurant in the entire city and

you've ordered something you could get at Pizza Hut.

Um, no you can't. I would know. I had it for dinner three times this week. Wait,

um, should we cheer?

To what?

To me joining the family?

Well, if we're going to be drinking to that, I'm going to need something a

little stronger than table wine.

Um,

love the shirt you got me, by the way. Did I pass the test?

Cheers!

Now that we've gotten that mindless superstition out of the way, let's talk

about the wedding.

Wait, Mom, you want to talk about the wedding? Because when I told you about

you said I'd give it a week and try to set me up with your personal trainer's

daughter. She was very beautiful. I can see why you would. Seeing as this is one

label I cannot seem to get off my jar, no matter how long I soak it, I have

to a place of peace with your coupling.

And we'd like to make you an offer.

I'd like to pay for the wedding.

Oh, my God.

Linda, I am humbled.

That's enough. Okay. If I'm going to be slapping my name on this event, I do

have a few demands.

You mean suggestions?

A wedding is not about you.

It's about the family.

Now. I've been in talks with both St. Mary's and St. Luke's. We will go with

whoever has the best date and the less bald priest.

I'm actually a lapsed Wiccan, and I was thinking that my wedding was the perfect

time to recommit myself to the moon goddess.

Or we could just avoid religion altogether.

Emily and I actually found a very cool barn on Pinterest. You're going to love

it. Check it out. It's very cute. I want all this and at least one passage about

hell.

Emily, keep Saturday the 16th open. We're going shopping.

Okay. I have an inn at one of the few boutiques that still does a good,

long -sleeved, turtleneck wedding dress.

We wouldn't want you sewing the wedding album with some plunging neckline.

Especially when there's so little to plunge, too.

She always does this. When I was six, I wanted to have a Batman birthday party,

and she threw a gala for Wayne Enterprises. I had to wear a tuxedo.

I can't believe I agreed to convert to Catholicism. I mean, your mom has some

kind of evil power.

Do you think she's lucky? Hey, my mom is not a sex demon.

She's some other kind of demon.

You know, maybe it's all her fancy wine coursing through my veins, or maybe it's

the fact that I'm more than 60 feet away from her, but...

I don't even want her money. Yeah.

This is our wedding.

A Murph and Emily joint. I should call her right now and tell her to fuck off.

Yeah. And I should call that barn venue that she hated right now and book it.

Yeah. That'll show her. Please go to voicemail. Please go to voicemail. This

Linda. Leave a message.

Hey, Mom.

Uh, thank you for the offer, but we don't want your money.

So you can take your string quartets and your uncomfortably religious ceremonies

and shove them where your teeth kiss the seat.

Hi, Romantic and Rustic Weddings by Francois. What dates do you have

All of them?

Huh. That's awesome.

I'd like to put in a deposit and claim one right now. You've hijacked every

party I've ever had, but you're not going to do it this time. No.

I might even dress up like Batman.

My credit card? Of course.

Three, eight, four, seven... Oh, you have to grab a pen and write it down?

you are rustic. I mean, realistically, I probably won't dress up like Batman,

probably wear a suit, but I'm going to wear one that I like, not one that you

like, so screw you!

Yes! Oh!

God, I feel so free! I feel like an eagle, just going around being free and

eating snakes and stuff.

I'm 99 .9 % sure that she'll take my life for this, but for now, I'm living

the moment, baby!

Woo -hoo!

So how much did the venue end up being? Six grand.

$6 ,000?

Yeah, but it's cool, because I put it on credit cards, so we just have to pay it

back eventually.

Okay.

Anyway, listen to these glowing reviews.

Francois' barn is a rustic, backwoodsy, nightmare.

I wouldn't schedule anything here unless I hated my friends and family.

Everyone ended the night covered in mud, and one of my cousins got Zika from all

the mosquitoes swarming the many deep pools of standing water.

I took a turn.

You know what?

Some people are particular.

I'll feed you another one.

Cheers!

Okay. To the most miserable night of my life spent at the sulfur -spewing

shit -smear that is Francois' barn.

We'd assumed that the alligator's crossing sign was for decoration until

-vows when an alligator emerged from a nearby bog and vomited up a still

-breathing possum.

One more?

That's the last one.

It's from 2015.

I guess everyone else had the good sense to read the review.

Then call him back?

I'm calling,

he's not answering.

Then we need to go there and get our deposit back. We can't afford $6 ,000

shed. Okay, okay.

Hi, I stormed out of here dramatically before and I left my card.

Thank you.

Ashley, wait.

Steve, I told you, it's over.

You brought my dad.

Of course, he knows best after all.

What about our conversation would make you think I want my dad more involved?

Hon, you gotta take him back.

Kid's a good egg.

I promise you, Beth.

Ashley, that's your sister.

The good one.

No offense, Dad, but I am looking for more than just a good egg.

She's just being difficult.

Don't I know it, brother.

Okay, cut it off. Would you two stop having conversations about me? Aw, come

Ashley. Who knows you better than dear old Dad?

My mom, my siblings, my cousins, friends, coworkers.

Okay, we've been through this.

Look, Ashley, what about all the losers you've brought home over the years? And

that fella with all the tattoos.

So hot.

Or that knucklehead with a motorcycle.

Went so fast.

Oh my God, I miss Van.

Or that hooligan wannabe rap star.

I should have never dumped Post Malone. And then finally, my little girl brings

home a grade A winner in Steve.

An honest fella. Tucks in a shirt.

Has the coolest running shoes.

A really big phone that's awesome.

Although, they're kind of hard to read sometimes.

You know what I mean? It's a big phone, but they make the type so small. I think

it's in settings. Oh, my God.

I'm dating my father.

That's a real compliment. She likes you. All right. Thank you, Dad. You've

helped me realize what I really need.

To get back together with Vance.

He looked so hot on that motorcycle. The streetlight hit his neck tattoos just

right.

I knew it was a shock.

Uh, hi, Francois.

Oh, you're still emanated. Yeah.

Despite it, they laid the egg and I'm being born again. So, you know, gone.

Did you understand that? I'm going to pretend I didn't.

Um, hi.

No, I booked this place accidentally.

Total mistake. My finger slipped and I gave you my credit card. Anyways, I'm

just trying to figure out how to cancel.

Oh.

Well, you ain't seen the time in agreement, then.

No, I'm afraid I did not. Yeah, well, this here, a legally binding contract.

And, uh, if you're trying to break it, I'm liable to give it to you.

Your deposit is mine.

Absolutely. We understand.

Really looking forward to our big day.

Holy shit! Don't go from a dude with a knife!

We'll be rough patches.

Maybe you'll disagree about what you want for dinner. Or maybe you'll find

about the secret family he has in Korea. What are you doing?

I'm trying to open that.

When I find you, I'm going to punch you in my head to fake up your pole.

What kind of crazy head gibberish is that?

French? Okay, I found a way out of here through the woods. Let's boogie. No!

You read the reviews. There are, and I quote, sexually frustrated alligators on

the property.

Well, I hope they're not too horny. Now, go, go, go.

Oh, Murph, I'm stuck. My bow is back. What bow? You got like 50 bows.

Blue one.

There's like four blue ones. I'm starting to lose my patience.

There you is.

Okay, okay.

You got it?

Yes, I did.

If you take our money, just let us go.

Okay. I'll let you go, but I need one more thing from you.

A positive review.

You shot at us.

Jesus! I'm deaf!

One positive review coming right up! And you make sure you mention how very,

very nice I was personally.

Do you want to just write this?

No, no. My hands are full.

Will you help us, Mom?

Well, you are my son.

And I am a forgiving mother.

So I'll help you.

But first, you'll have to beg.

Jesus, I thought that's what we were doing.

I am incompetent and incapable. The only reason I'm still alive is because of

your motherly grace. I'm a fucking idiot and I suck!

Excuse my language, Mom.

I deem your groveling acceptable.

I'll help you. Thank you. First things first.

You need to cancel your card.

17th National Bank, this is Emily Ashford.

My card number is 384 -759 -2769 -472957.

I'll need it canceled and all charges made tonight rejected.

Thank you. How does she know that?

We could have just called and disputed the charges.

Now that I've scratched your back, I have been in talks with St. Luke's, and

they have a new priest there with all the raw charisma of Father McCarthy

without the allegations.

No, Mom.

Thank you for bailing us out, but time for us to grow up.

We've got to do the wedding ourselves.

Pay for it, plan it, the work.

We can't keep crawling back to you every time we have a problem.

Much as I enjoy spending time with you.

Thank you for dinner, by the way. Yes, well, I suppose I'll have to give you an

advance on your wedding present.

Wait, you're going to give us money?

You're showing real initiative.

I prefer that you just do it my way, but I'll settle for the pair of you growing

a pair.

And there's no strings attached?

You have to invite your cousins.

But there's like 40 of them. They're all so annoying on Facebook.

Well, then I guess... No, no, no, no. It's good. We're cool. They can come.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Murph.

Or should I say... Um, Mrs. Lee Murphy will do

just fine.

Okay. That blouse is hideous, by the way. I only got it for you as a test.

I knew it!

And there's your in -law.

Sure, they'll judge your housekeeping, parenting, and decision to remarry after

you've been widowed by polio.

But don't let those bastards come between you, your partner, and what

matters.

Being faithful to each other. There's so many incurable sexually transmitted

diseases out there, many of which can kill you.

That's what got me in the end.

Goodnight, sweetheart.