Original subtitles

[ UPBEAT R&B MUSIC PLAYS ]

Michael: HEY, WHOO!

[ LAUGHS ]

COME ON.

YEAH.

COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON, COME ON.

MIKE.

HEY, NO, NO, NO, SHOW --

NO, LISTEN.

[ LAUGHS ]

LOOK. LOOK, YES, OKAY.

COME ON, LOOK AT THE CAMERA.

SHOW ME -- SHOW ME SOME --

COME ON, JUST LIFT UP --

LIFT UP YOUR JACKET.

LIFT IT UP.

THAT'S ALL YOU GET.

HEY, COME ON.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHEN YOU

TURN THE CAMERA OFF.

I'LL GET...NO.

YOU'LL SHOW ME WHEN I TURN

COME ON, MICHAEL.

THE CAMERA OFF?

COME ON.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

LET'S GO.

OKAY.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

OH, I WILL SHOW THEM

MY RING.

HI.

OOH, THE RING.

SEE? LET ME SEE.

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

THERE IT IS. YES.

HI, I'M HAVILLAND SAVAGE,

SOON TO BE

MRS. MICHAEL SIMMONS.

YES, YOU ARE. OH.

AND THIS IS

THE ENGAGEMENT RING

GAVE TO ME.

MY FIANCÉ, MICHAEL,

YES. THAT'S ME.

THAT'S ME. THAT'S US.

THAT'S ME, Y'ALL.

THAT'S US.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

MMM.

MMM.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

I LOVE HER.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

SHE IS THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL THING.

NO.

LET'S GO HOME.

COME ON.

OKAY.

WH-WHERE'D YOU PUT

MY GLASSES?

OH, I GET IT.

WHAT'D YOU DO WITH MY GLASSES?

Havilland: WHAT'S UP?

OKAY, OKAY.

THIS IS HAVILLAND.

I'M NOT HOME.

HEY.

LEAVE A MESSAGE,

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

HEY, DON'T GO

SO FAST.

It's Hav. Pick up.

HAVILLAND: Lee, are you there?

[ BEEP ]

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

Mr. Plenty.

MISS SAVAGE.

Happy New Year.

IT'S NOT NEW YEAR'S YET.

CALL BACK IN 10 HOURS.

You working?

NO, I REACHED A LITTLE BIT

OF A BLOCK,

SO I'M TAKING A BREAK.

How's my cat?

CAT? YOU HAD A CAT?

Ha, ha.

She didn't tear up

your shoes, did she?

NO, CATS DON'T PLAY WITH

THINGS YOU BEAT THEM WITH.

Are you joking?

NO, THAT'S A FACT.

How are my plants?

[ Sighing ]

FECUND.

Anybody call?

YOU KNOW, MEN HAVE BEEN

CALLING UP HERE ALL WEEK,

WONDERING WHEN YOU'RE

GONNA BE BACK.

I DON'T, UH, ANSWER THE PHONE,

SO THEY LEAVE MESSAGES.

Cool.

So, everything's okay?

EVERYTHING IS

SMOOTH, DADDY.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,

HOW'S YOUR BOYFRIEND?

Don't know.

The next time I see

one of his women on the street,

I'll ask.

Hey, um, if you want

to bring your date

fine.

up to my apartment tonight,

Just don't

wreck the joint.

THANKS, BUT, UH,

I DON'T HAVE A DATE.

Lee, you don't have a date

on New Year's Eve?

Why not?

THAT'S JUST THE WAY THINGS

WORK OUT SOMETIMES.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

I'll be home in two days,

All right, well,

and thanks

for the housesitting.

NO, THANK YOU.

IF YOU HADN'T GONE

DOWN TO SEE YOUR MOM,

I'D STILL BE

LIVING IN MY CAR.

Hmm.

doing anything tonight,

Well, if you're not

you want

to come down here?

SURE, I'M THERE.

Really?

HELL YEAH.

NEW YORK TO D.C.

IS FIVE HOURS, TOPS.

I CAN BE THERE BY 7:00.

Great. Okay, great.

in my sister's old bedroom.

You can stay

[ CHILDREN PLAYING ]

You know the address,

so just bring

a bottle of champagne

or something,

like a dime bag.

[ JAYO FELONY'S

"WHATCHA GONNA DO" PLAYS ]

UNH, UNH, WHAT? WHAT?

YEAH, UNH

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH

I SAID I CAN GIVE IT

TO YOU

BUT WHAT YOU GONNA DO

WITH IT?

I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU

[ BELL DINGS ]

[ CAR ALARM BEEPS ]

[ WOMAN VOCALIZING ]

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

I'M TOO SEXY

FOR MY MOTHER...GOOD HOOD

I'M TOO SEXY

FOR MY MOTHER...LOW RIDE

LOW RIDE, LOW RIDE,

LOW RIDE

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH,

UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH, WHAT?

MR. PLENTY.

MISS SAVAGE.

WHEW.

8:30 ON THE DOT.

PRETTY GOOD FOR SOMEONE

WHO'S ALWAYS LATE.

HOW ARE YOU?

JUST COOL.

NICE PLACE.

JUST YOUR MOM LIVE

UP IN THIS...PIECE?

AND SOON HER FIANCÉ.

ARE WE THE ONLY ONES HERE?

NO, MY MOM'S UPSTAIRS

GETTING DRESSED.

SHE'S GONNA BE STAYING

AT HER FIANCÉ'S HOUSE

THIS WEEKEND.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING BAD

ABOUT HER, THOUGH, OKAY?

WHY NOT?

THERE'S INTERCOMS

EVERYWHERE.

YOU WANT SOMETHING

TO DRINK?

SURE,

ANYTHING BESIDES FRUIT PUNCH.

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT

AT YOUR HOUSE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW

WHAT THEY SAY.

I AM THE FRUIT-PUNCH BITCH.

MOMS HAS SOME

SPIKED EGGNOG, THOUGH.

YOU WANT SOME?

SURE, PARTY GIRL.

SO, WHAT YOU GOT HAPPENING

HERE TONIGHT -- BIG PARTY?

NO, ACTUALLY,

IT'S GONNA BE YOU AND ME,

MY SISTER

AND HER HUSBAND, FELIX,

AND MY BEST FRIEND,

CAROLINE.

BUT WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND

MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND,

BECAUSE...

THEY'RE FIGHTING.

WHY DON'T YOU

LEAVE ME ALONE?

WASH YOUR HAIR,

WHY DON'T YOU

DIRTY-ASS MOTHER...

THIS ONE WAS TAKEN

AT EDDIE MURPHY'S HOUSE, TOO,

BUT, UM --

WAS IT?

YEAH. THAT'S WHEN I MET

MY EX-FIANCé, MICHAEL SIMMONS.

YOU HEARD OF HIM?

QUENTIN INTRODUCED US --

QUENTIN TARANTINO.

EXCUSE ME, UH,

YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.

UH, WHAT DID I DROP?

UH, A NAME.

I DON'T GIVE A...

ABOUT EDDIE MURPHY'S HOUSE.

I DON'T GIVE A...

ABOUT MICHAEL SIMMONS IS

A BIG-TIME SONGWRITER.

AND I FOR DAMN SURE

DON'T GIVE A...

ABOUT NO QUENTIN TARANTINO.

RELAX. [ SCOFFS ]

GOD.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME

I START -- START TALKING

ABOUT SOMEBODY SUCCESSFUL,

YOU START TRIPPING.

BELIEVE ME, MONEY,

IT IS NOT THAT DEEP.

I AM THE ONE BITCH

THAT IS NOT CHARMED

BY YOUR

DISASSOCIATED-ARTIST BULL...

I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE.

YOU'RE JUST SHOWING OFF.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO...I'M NOT.

YES...

YOU ARE.

[ SCOFFS ]

ANYWAY.

OH.

THESE WERE ALL TAKEN

AT DAVID DINKINS' HOUSE.

WE HAD A HUGE BARBECUE

THAT SUMMER.

IT WAS, LIKE, REALLY GREAT.

YOU SHOULD'VE --

OH, WELL.

PLINK.

Lee: "AND HERE I AM

AT HAVILLAND'S MOM'S HOUSE --

"A THREE-STORY,

MODERN-DAY MANSION

"WITH AN APARTMENT-STYLE

BASEMENT

"THAT OPENS OUT

ONTO A SWIMMING POOL,

"AND AN INTERCOM IN EVERY ROOM.

"AH, THE GOOD LIFE.

RIGHT NOW

I'M IN LEIGH'S OLD --"

[ INTERCOM BUZZES, CHIMES ]

HELLO?

Mrs. Savage:

HELLO? HAVILLAND?

ARE YOU THERE?

Havilland: YEAH.

CAROLINE GOODEN'S

AT THE FRONT DOOR.

LEE,

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YEAH.

AND LET CAROLINE IN?

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR

OH, AND, LEE,

DO YOU KNOW

HOW TO MAKE ANYTHING,

LIKE DINNER?

SALAD.

HI. YOU MUST BE

CAROLINE GOODEN.

ENCHANTé, LEE PLENTY.

RIGHT.

SO...YOU'RE LEE PLENTY.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE NOT

BABYSITTING HAVILLAND'S CAT?

YOU HAVE, UH, LIPSTICK

ON YOUR TEETH.

THERE YOU GO. IT'S OFF.

IT'S BETTER.

WHAT'D YOU ASK ME?

UM...

OH, YES,

WHERE DO I LIVE?

I'M HOMELESS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[ SCOFFS ]

HOW CAN YOU BE HOMELESS?

SIMPLE.

SIX MONTHS AGO,

I WAS OFFERED A DEAL

ON THE BOOK I'M WRITING,

SO I DIDN'T RE-SIGN

THE LEASE ON MY APARTMENT,

'CAUSE I THOUGHT I'D BE ABLE

TO GET A BETTER ONE.

BUT THE BOOK DEAL

FELL THROUGH,

AND I HAD TO

MOVE OUT ANYWAY.

YOU'RE SERIOUS?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FIND

ANOTHER PLACE?

I'M BROKE.

YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB?

I HAVE A JOB AS A TEACHER'S

ASSISTANT AT NYU.

IT DOESN'T PAY A WHOLE LOT,

THOUGH -- ENOUGH TO EAT.

MOSTLY I JUST WRITE.

WOW.

I'VE NEVER MET

A HOMELESS PERSON BEFORE.

WHAT DO YOU DO

WHEN YOU HAVE A DATE?

I DON'T REALLY DATE

THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

IN YOUR CAR --

FLAT BROKE AND LIVING

I WOULDN'T GO OUT

WITH YOU, EITHER.

WELL, YOU KNOW

WHAT THEY SAY.

NO, WHAT DO THEY SAY?

NO WOMEN, NO CRYING.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

HE'S QUITE THE SARCASTIC

BASTARD, ISN'T HE?

NO JOB PLUS NO MONEY

EQUALS WACK.

DO WHAT I DO --

IGNORE HIM.

SO, WHY'D YOU INVITE HIM

DOWN HERE, THEN?

CHARITY.

SO, HOW COME HE DOESN'T

GO ON DATES?

HE'S NOT GAY.

COMMENT TU SAIS?

WHAT?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HE'S NOT GAY.

HI.

COOL HAT.

UH, THANKS.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

LEE PLENTY.

WHAT'S WITH

THE CAMERA, MAN?

THAT'S MY...THING.

I TAKE PICTURES.

I'M LEIGH, TOO --

SPELLED DIFFERENTLY,

THOUGH.

ONE, TWO, THREE --

THERE YOU GO.

LEIGH, HAV'S SISTER.

OH, YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I KNOW YOU.

ANOTHER SAVAGE.

IT'S NICE TO MEET

I AM NOT A SAVAGE.

I'M A DARLING.

LEIGH DARLING?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE MARRIED.

EXTREMELY...

IN A BIG...WAY.

WOW. HOW LONG NOW?

UM, SINCE NOVEMBER 15th --

LITTLE OVER A MONTH.

YEP.

A NEWLYWED.

OH, SO YOU'RE

CONGRATULATIONS.

NOT ONLY IS HE

FULL OF...

BUT THE BROTHER WON'T

EVEN GET A REAL JOB, OKAY?

SO WHEN PEOPLE

ARE SITTING AROUND,

TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE'S --

HOW MUCH THEY'RE GETTING PAID,

HE'LL COME OUT OF HIS FACE

WITH SOME BULL...LIKE,

[ Deep voice ]

"YOU KNOW, ONE TIME I FELL

DOWN THE STAIRS SO HARD

THAT WHEN I GOT UP,

MY WATCH WAS RUNNING BACKWARDS."

[ Normal voice ]

I CAN'T STAND

WHEN HE DEGRADES HIMSELF

LIKE THAT.

I HATE SELF-DEPRECATION.

HE'D BE PISSED

IF HE HEARD YOU SAY THAT.

NO, HE WOULDN'T.

HEY, WHY DO YOU WEAR THOSE BEADS

AROUND YOUR NECK?

WHAT ARE YOU, A FIVE PERCENTER

OR SOMETHING?

[ SCOFFS ]

SO, WHAT'S

YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

UH, CAN'T SAY.

NO, REALLY,

WHAT IS IT --

LIKE A GANGSTER STORY

OR SOMETHING?

IT'S LIKE --

IT'S LIKE A LOVE STORY.

A LOVE STORY.

SO, YOU IN LOVE

WITH MY SISTER?

NO.

WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?

I KNOW MOST GUYS ARE.

WHY SHOULD YOU BE

ANY DIFFERENT?

TASTE.

MM-HMM.

SO, WHY ARE YOU

HERE, THEN?

SHE INVITED ME.

I DON'T CHASE

AFTER WOMEN ANYMORE.

OH, RIGHT. THEY CHASE

AFTER YOU, RIGHT?

NO.

THAT'S WHY I'M DATELESS.

REAL MEN CAN TAKE A DRINK.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW

I'M COOL.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

WELL, I'M WEARING

MY LUCKY $300 TITTY TOP.

I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE

THAT MOVE TONIGHT.

YOU SURE

YOU DON'T MIND?

SURE.

I HOPE THAT'S

A LUCKY $300 TITTY TOP,

'CAUSE YOU SURE

AIN'T GOT NO TITTIES.

CAROLINE, HE'S ALL YOURS.

LEE AND I --

I MEAN, HE'S A GOOD BROTHER

AND ALL,

BUT WE GOT

A DIFFERENT SWERVE HAPPENING.

YEAH, HE KIND OF SAID

THE SAME THING ABOUT YOU.

HOW WAS WORK?

WORK WAS WORK.

YOU TALK

TO HAVILLAND YET?

NO.

FELIX, TONIGHT'S NOT

THE TIME, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S NOT

DO THIS NOW, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, YEAH.

HOW'S YOUR MOM?

EDGY.

ONCE MONDAY MORNING

COMES,

WE'LL ALL BE

A LOT HAPPIER.

HI. LEE PLENTY.

FELIX DARLING,

LEIGH'S HUSBAND.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

YEAH, HAPPY NEW YEAR

TO YOU, TOO.

HOW YOU DOING?

I'M ALL RIGHT.

[ SNIFFS ]

WHAT'S HAPPENING

MONDAY MORNING?

UH, MY MOTHER'S FIRM

TO THE PRESS

IS OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCING

A NEW PARTNERSHIP

SHE LOST OUT ON.

SHE HAS TO BE THERE

AS A PROFESSIONAL COURTESY

TO CONGRATULATE

FRANCIS ROSSI.

YEAH, IT'S A BIG DEAL

DOWN HERE IN D.C.

THEY'RE TELEVISING IT.

HMM.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL MAKE SURE

I'M OUT OF HERE BY THEN.

HEY.

HI.

HEY, FOUND A BURGER JOINT

THAT'S STILL OPEN.

YOU WANT

TO DRIVE ME?

SURE.

YOU WANT ME

TO COME ALONG?

UH, NO, IT'LL ONLY

TAKE US A SECOND.

DO YOU WANT ANYTHING?

OOH, COULD YOU GET

ME SOME CURLY FRIES?

THE VEGETARIAN BURGER...

AND ACTUALLY, A GRILLED-CHICKEN

DELUXE SANDWICH...

OH, AND I REALLY WANT

...AND GET ME, LIKE,

A LARGE CHOCOLATE SHAKE.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

...WITH THE NON-DAIRY CHEESE --

I'M JUST NOT INTO ANIMAL

PRODUCTS RIGHT NOW.

MONEY? MONEY?

MONEY? MONEY?

JUST LARGE CHOCOLATE --

NO, MAKE IT A DIET COKE.

HE'S GONNA WANT

SOME LARGE FRIES.

I DON'T WANT ANY FRIES.

GET HIM A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER.

AND ALSO, I WANT THE LITTLE,

DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER --

MINI DIET COKE.

[ INTERCOM BUZZES, CHIMES ]

Mrs. Savage:

GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.

I'M LEAVING THROUGH THE GARAGE,

SO HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MOM.

BONNE ANNéE,

MRS. SAVAGE.

HAPPY NEW YEAR,

HAVILLAND,

MICHAEL'S ON THE PHONE.

OKAY, THANKS, MOM.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.

IS THIS THE FIRST TIME

THAT HE'S...CALLED HER?

NO, HE HAS BEEN

CALLING ALL WEEK.

HE BOUGHT HER

THAT COAT FOR CHRISTMAS.

OH, REALLY?

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

Havilland: MICHAEL,

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS

WHEN I GET BACK

TO NEW YORK.

MICHAEL: Ain't no other woman --

they just hos.

A BISCUIT TO YOU?

DO I LOOK LIKE

DO I LOOK LIKE

A BISCUIT TO YOU?

No.

DO I LOOK LIKE

A...FRENCH FRY?

What'd I do?

THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING

TO PLAY ME LIKE A SIDE ORDER?

Why you tripping?

YOU CHEATED ON ME,

MICHAEL,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO

TO YOUR OTHER WOMAN'S HOUSE

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME?

No, no, listen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

UH, HEY, UH...

I THOUGHT YOU SAID

YOU HADN'T HEARD FROM HIM.

THIS COAT.

I HEARD HE SENT YOU

MUST HAVE SLIPPED

MY MIND.

[ GULPS ]

OKAY, WELL,

IF YOU NEED ME,

I'LL BE DOWN HERE

ON THE FLOOR.

UNH

UH-HUH, UNDERSTAND WHAT

YOU'RE TRYING TO DO

NO, YOU DON'T.

WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I KNOW

YOU'RE THINKING THAT I DESERVE

BETTER THAN MICHAEL.

HEY, I THINK YOU DESERVE

WHOMEVER YOU CHOOSE

TO BE WITH.

I'M NOT WITH MICHAEL.

YOU GOT THE...COAT ON.

UP IN YOUR HOUSE.

YOU GOT HIS PICTURE

YOU TALK TO HIM ON THE PHONE

EVERY DAY.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK

AND SOUNDS LIKE A DUCK,

IT'S A DUCK, BABY.

WELL, I JUST MIGHT HAVE

TO MAKE A MOVE

ON THAT LITTLE BOY

FROM NEW YORK CITY.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

YOU GUYS TOGETHER.

I CAN DEFINITELY SEE

HAVILLAND DOESN'T MIND?

OH, NO. SHE DOESN'T WANT

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BROTHER.

Havilland:

MY MOTHER IS HIS LAWYER.

OF COURSE HE'S GONNA CALL

MY HOUSE.

HEY, LOOK, DON'T MAKE

NO NEVER MIND TO ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.

DON'T SAY YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M THINKING, THOUGH,

'CAUSE YOU DON'T.

SO, HOW'S YOUR FATHER?

IS HE ALIVE TODAY?

[ SIGHS ]

HERE WE --

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA

LET THAT GO DOWN, ARE YOU?

THEY CALLED FROM THE HOSPITAL

IN MICHIGAN ONCE,

IN BAD SHAPE.

SAID THAT HE WAS

I JUMPED THE GUN...ONCE.

YOU LIED.

WHY WOULD I PURPOSELY LIE

ABOUT MY FATHER BEING DEAD?

BECAUSE YOU'RE

A SOCIOPATH.

HEY, DON'T EVEN TRY

AND TURN THIS SCENE AROUND,

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL ONE.

LIKE I'M

YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MIKE.

I AIN'T GOT PROBLEMS

WITH MY DAD.

I MAY EVEN END UP

MOVING UP THERE.

OH, WHAT'S THAT -- ANOTHER LIE

TO EVOKE MY SYMPATHY?

NO, THAT'S THE DEAD-UP,

HONEST TRUTH.

HMM.

YOU WATCH.

I'M GONNA MOVE TO MICHIGAN.

SMALL TOWN, DO SOME WRITING,

GET OVER THIS BLOCK.

LESS DISTRACTIONS

UP THERE.

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU'RE SO EASILY DISTRACTED.

THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER SAYS.

Caroline:

HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAV.

HOW YOU DOING?

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEAR,

EVERYBODY IN NEW YORK.

WE LOVE YOU.

WE MISS YOU.

HI.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HEY, HURRY UP.

COME ON.

COME ON. OH.

GIRLS, HURRY UP.

TIME, TIME, TIME.

COME ON, COME ON,

HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP.

UH, CHAMPAGNE.

HERE WE GO, HE'S POURING.

Lee: YO, MAN, FILL THAT UP.

FILL THAT UP.

HERE WE GO. OKAY.

HEY!

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

HI, EVERYBODY. SHOW THE TV,

HAVILLAND. THERE YOU GO.

COME ON, COME ON,

COME ON.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

Together: 10, 9, 8,

7, 6, 5,

43. 9.

4, 3, 2, 1.

6, 4, 40, 11.

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

WHOO!

YOU, UH -- YOU WANTED

TO TALK TO ME?

YEAH, I DID.

I ACTUALLY WANTED TO KNOW

IF YOU'D LET ME

BORROW YOUR CAR,

'CAUSE I NEED TO TAKE

FELIX AND LEIGH HOME.

UH, S-SURE.

WITH ME?

YOU WANT TO COME

UH, NO, I'M GONNA --

I GOT TO GET UP

EARLY TOMORROW,

SO I'M GONNA GET SOME SLEEP,

YOU KNOW.

THAT'S IT?

YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

KEYS?

THANKS.

WELL, I'M GONNA GO.

ALL RIGHT.

SO BE A GOOD BOY.

CAROLINE'S

IN THE OTHER ROOM.

SHE DON'T LIKE ME.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

SHE DON'T.

COME WATCH ME MAKE

A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.

[ LAUGHING ]

OUT THE DOOR.

SHE TRIPPED

I MEAN, SHE WAS SO TIPSY,

SHE GOT BUSTED.

YEAH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SHE GOT BOO-YASTED

IS THE WORD.

I LIKE LEIGH, THOUGH.

SHE'S COOL.

MM, YEAH.

SO, UM...AH.

HOW COME YOU DON'T

GO OUT ON DATES?

UH, IT'S JUST THE WAY

THINGS WORKED OUT.

OH, WAIT, WAIT.

[ SIGHS ]

I JUST EXHALED.

I GUESS

YOU'RE JUST REALLY PICKY,

SO THAT, UM,

WHEN A WOMAN SCREWS UP,

YOU CAN SAY, "OH, I SURE AM GLAD

I NEVER KISSED THAT TWIT."

NOW, SEE,

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

IF YOU THINK

I'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I JUST LEARNED

FROM JUMP NOT TO --

NOT TO PUT MYSELF

INTO SITUATIONS

THAT I MIGHT LATER REGRET.

OH, YOU WON'T

REGRET THIS.

OKAY...WELL...

YOU KNOW,

IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE,

SO, UH --

YOU WANT TO GO TO BED?

I MEAN, DO YOU WANT

TO GO TO SLEEP?

YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GOT A BIG DAY.

TO NEW YORK TOMORROW.

I GOT TO DRIVE BACK

YOU'RE RIDING IN MY CAR

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TALK TO YOU --

LEE.

TOMORROW MORNING.

I TURN ON THE RADIO

IT'S NEW YEAR'S EVE.

YOU SAY YOU WANNA STAY

WE'RE BOTH ADULTS.

WE'RE ALONE.

BUT I WANT YOU TO GO

FATE MUST HAVE A REASON.

YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT

ARE YOU MAKING

A PASS AT ME?

BUT YOU KNOW I'M A LIAR

THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT HAPPENS

IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS.

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS, OOH

FIVE SECONDS IS OVER.

HEY. I'M SOR--

[ SIGHS ]

MAN, THAT WAS CLOSE.

HE'S GAY.

WHAT?

HE'S...GAY.

I GOT YOU

HEATED IN THE FLOW, HONEY

A SLOW MOMENT WITH A PAYBACK,

SURE WANT IT

AIN'T GONNA RUN IT TILL I GAIN

THE FEATHERS GOING WITH IT

AIN'T GONNA SPLIT IT TILL YOU

THINKING THAT YOU GONNA HIT IT

BUT DON'T GET IT,

TRY TO KICK IT IN AGAIN

MAYBE THEN YOU TRYING TO WIN,

BISHOP BLAZE THE TRACK

AND I JUST MADE YOU

GET HOT AGAIN

AIN'T IT AMAZING,

NOONTIME HOTTER THAN CAJUN

ABSOLUTE'S ABSOLUTELY BLAZING

ALL OCCASIONS,

I FEEL YOUR HEAT

WHEN YOUR BODY'S CLOSE TO MINE

WHEN YOUR BODY'S

CLOSE TO MINE

WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES

WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE ON MY MIND,

BABY, I FEEL

I FEEL YOUR HEAT

WHEN YOU'RE LAYING NEXT TO ME

WHEN YOU'RE LAYING NEXT TO ME

THAT'S RIGHT,

BABY, WHEN I HEAR YOU SPEAK

I HEAR YOU SPEAK

EVEN WHEN I FEEL THE NEED

AND YOU'RE NOT AROUND

TEMPERATURE RISING

GIRL, IT'S NOT SURPRISING

NOT SURPRISING

REALLY GOT ME GOING

WITH YOUR SEXUAL THING

SEXUAL THING

EMOTIONS I AM FEELING

I NEED YOUR BODY'S HEALING

MY BODY

TOUCH ME IF YOU WANT TO

YOUR BODY

GIRL,

YOU'RE BLOWING MY MIND

LEE...IS THERE SOMETHING

YOU'RE TRYING TO ASK ME?

...CLOSE TO MINE

WHEN YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES

MY EYES

EVEN WHEN YOU'RE ON MY MIND,

BABY, I FEEL

I FEEL YOUR HEAT

WHEN YOU'RE LAYING NEXT TO ME

BABY, WHEN I HEAR YOU SPEAK

HEAR YOU SCREAM, BABY

EVEN WHEN I FEEL THE NEED

AND YOU'RE NOT AROUND

LEE.

BABY, DON'T YOU WANT TO

'CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO

LEE...ARE YOU TRYING

TO ASK ME SOMETHING?

DO YOUR THING

THE HEAT HAS GOT --

[ GROANS ]

AAH!

WHAT TIME IS IT?

11:30.

11:30? WHY DIDN'T YOU

WAKE ME UP, MAN?

I HAVE TO GO.

CAN'T BE HANGING

AROUND HERE ALL DAY.

I GOT A JOB.

[ SNIFFS ]

LEE, I KNOW

YOU HAVE TO GO,

BUT CAN YOU DO ME

A BIG FAVOR

AND COME TO BRUNCH

WITH MY DAD AND I?

WHY WOULD THAT BE

A FAVOR?

BECAUSE MY SISTER INVITED

ALEXANDRIA BEAUMONT.

I NEED BUFFERS

FROM ALEXANDRIA BEAUMONT.

Alexandria: SO, LEE...

YOU'RE THE ONE

WITH THE MOTORCYCLE.

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?

Y'ALL BEEN TALKING ABOUT ME?

Mr. Savage: OH, REALLY?

I RIDE MYSELF.

H-HAV USED TO RIDE WITH ME

WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

NOWADAYS, I RIDE A FALCON.

YEAH, I RIDE A SHADOW.

GOOD BIKES.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO, LEE?

NOTHING.

[ SCOFFS ]

LEE IS WRITING A BOOK.

OH, WHAT KIND OF BOOK?

Mr. Savage:

HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE

TO KNOW WHAT IT'S...

ABOUT.

LEE, YOU DON'T SOUND

LIKE A NEW YORKER.

UM, WHERE'D YOU GROW UP?

QUEENS.

OH, JAMAICA ESTATES?

FLUSHING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, WELL,

WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW?

LEE HAS BEEN STAYING

AT MY PLACE.

[ SPITS ]

I MEAN...

Alexandria: HOMELESS?

Havilland:

UM, WITH MY CATS.

UM, HE'S HOMELESS.

WITH FRIENDS A LOT?

SO, YOU STAY

YEAH, OR MY MOTHER.

Mr. Savage: OH, HEY,

DON'T WORRY, MAN.

I MEAN, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

WHAT, 27, 28?

28.

I KNOW

YOU WENT TO SCHOOL.

YEAH.

ENGLISH MAJOR.

THEN DON'T WORRY

ABOUT IT, MAN.

HEY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

I WAS BROKE, TOO.

I MEAN,

AND I HAD TWO LITTLE GIRLS.

I MEAN, THE ONLY REASON

I WASN'T HOMELESS

IS BECAUSE MY WIFE HAD A JOB

AS A LEGAL SECRETARY.

I OWN SAVAGE SOFTWARE.

24 YEARS LATER,

Felix: WOW.

Alexandria: OH, HAV.

LOOK WHAT I HAVE.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD GET

MICHAEL, YOU KNOW,

TO AUTOGRAPH IT FOR ME

BEFORE YOU, YOU KNOW,

GO BACK TO NEW YORK.

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO WAIT

FOR HIM TO DO THAT YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM UP?

HE'D PROBABLY LIKE THAT.

HEY, I UNDERSTAND HIS ALBUM

IS MAKING BIG BUCKS.

IT WENT PLATINUM, DADDY.

OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.

Lee:

"LOVE 40." "LOVE 40."

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

HE'S GOT 40 WOMEN?

NO, IDIOT, IT MEANS

THAT IT'S A LYRIC

FROM ONE OF HIS SONGS.

COME ON, LEE. YOU HAVEN'T HEARD

"40 OUNCES OF LOVE"?

Lee: "40 OUNCES OF LOVE"?

WHAT IS THAT, A JOKE?

LEE, ALL YOU GOT TO DO

IS TURN ON MTV,

'CAUSE IT RUNS

EVERY 10 MINUTES.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A TV.

YOU'VE NEVER HEARD

"40 OUNCES OF LOVE"?

40 OUNCES OF LOVE

Women:

OOH, SO INTOXICATING

40 OUNCES OF LOVE, WHOO

SO INEBRIATING

GIRL, I'M GETTING

DRUNK ON YOU

[ LAUGHTER ]

Leigh: HELLO.

Felix: YOU SEE?

YOU'RE NOT MISSING ANYTHING.

"LOVE 40"...

"LOVE BEAT DOWN"...

"GATTIN' ON LOVE,"

"CRACK ADDICT."

WHAT'S "CRACK ADDICT"

ABOUT?

CHECK THE LYRICS, MONEY.

"CRACK ADDICT.

I'M A CRACK ADDICT.

TO YOUR CRACK.

"GIRL, I'M ADDICTED

"DON'T DENY ME.

I DON'T LIKE COLD TURKEY.

I AIN'T TALKING

ABOUT DRUGS."

WHAT?!

[ SCOFFS ] EXCUSE ME,

BUT MICHAEL IS A GENIUS.

EXCUSE ME, BUT MICHAEL

CAN PLAY 11 INSTRUMENTS.

WHAT YOU MUST REMEMBER

LEE, LOOK,

IS THAT HE'S BEEN

WRITING MUSIC

SINCE HE WAS, WHAT,

6 YEARS OLD.

HE HAS. I MEAN, HEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T CARE IF YOU GUYS

AREN'T DOWN WITH MICHAEL.

BUT MICHAEL

IS THE NEXT MARVIN GAYE.

YEAH, I'M SURE "GATTIN' ON LOVE"

IS A GREAT SONG.

PLATINUM.

Leigh: POW! SHAZAM!

WELL, I FOR ONE

AM GLAD TO KNOW

THAT IT'S STILL ALL GOOD

BETWEEN YOU AND MICHAEL.

I MEAN, COME ON. I NEVER

BELIEVE THOSE TRIFLING TABLOIDS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I MEAN, HIM AND JADA PINKETT?

YEAH, RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING --

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE SENT HER

THIS COAT, MAN.

HEY, LET ME

SEE THAT, BABY.

DADDY, COME ON, YOU'VE

SEEN LEATHER COATS BEFORE.

AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF?

SINCE WHEN DID YOU EVER GIVE UP

LEE.

LOOK AT THIS SUCKER, MAN.

LEE.

THIS IS EXPENSIVE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LEE IS BUGGING OUT.

BUGMASTER.

YOU SEE?

BUG A LITTLE FASTER?

BUGMASTER, WHY DON'T YA

BUGMASTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY.

"NOW THAT

I'VE TOTALLY DEGRADED MYSELF

"FOR THE SAKE

OF A CHEAP-ASS LAUGH,

"I FEEL THIS IS THE PROPER TIME

TO DEPART THE SAVAGE HOUSEHOLD.

"WHEN WE FINALLY

LEFT THE RESTAURANT,

"MR. SAVAGE OPENED THE TRUNK

OF HIS CAR,

"AND CAROLINE

ACCIDENTALLY PETTED

"THE DEAD CAT

HE HAD BACK THERE.

"SO NOW, SHE'S SOMEWHERE

SOAKING HER HAND

"IN A JAR OF ANTISEPTIC

AND PICKLE JUICE.

"HAV IS DOWNSTAIRS TALKING

"WITH A PREP-SCHOOL FRIEND,

BOBBY MONTGOMERY,

"WHO JUST DROPPED BY

TO SAY, 'HAPPY NEW YEAR,'

AND I'M OFFICIALLY

OUT OF HERE -- PEACE."

[ BEEP ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ INDISTINCT TALKING

ON TELEVISION ]

I'M LEAVING.

Lee: HEY, ANYBODY DOWN HERE?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

SOME MOVIE.

LEE PLENTY.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE THE BAD LITTLE BOY

THAT CAROLINE TRIED

TO GET WITH LAST NIGHT.

BOBBY MONTGOMERY.

I'M A PREP-SCHOOL FRIEND

OF HAVILLAND'S.

WHAT ELSE DID HAVILLAND

TELL YOU?

WELL, SHE TOLD ME

THAT YOU WERE

CHARMING, INTELLIGENT...

AND A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.

SHE SAID

I WAS INTELLIGENT?

YOU'RE FULL OF...

SHE THINKS

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

WELL, WHAT'S

YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU IMPRESS ME.

DAMN.

WHEN I SEE THAT MOTHER...

IN A SUIT...

AND I HEAR HIS SONGS

AND I LISTEN TO HIS VOICE,

I JUST...

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

AM I ADDICTED TO HIM?

I MUST BE ADDICTED TO HIM.

[ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW, HAV.

[ SIGHS ]

SO...

FIGHTING?

WHY ARE LEIGH AND FELIX

UH, WELL, I KNOW HAVILLAND

OFFERED LEIGH A JOB,

AND I KNOW LEIGH

HASN'T MADE A DECISION YET.

HAVILLAND OFFERED LEIGH A JOB?

IN NEW YORK?

AND FELIX

IS MAKING MAD LOOT

AT SAVAGE SOFTWARE

HERE IN D.C.

YOU KNOW

HE AIN'T MOVING.

YOU GOT IT.

HUH.

WHAT'S THE JOB OFFER?

HAVILLAND NEEDS

A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

HAVILLAND NEEDS

A PERSONAL ASSISTANT,

SO SHE'S HIRING

HER SISTER?

I KNOW YOU'RE READY TO GO,

HEY, LEE,

BUT CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND DRIVE ME TO MY GRANDMA'S?

SURE. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT

LEIGH AND FELIX WERE FIGHTING

'CAUSE OF YOU.

HEY, MONEY, THEY AIN'T

FIGHTING 'CAUSE OF ME.

AND YOU SAID NO.

WHY THEY WERE FIGHTING,

I ASKED YOU IF YOU KNEW

AND? WHAT, LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO

DISCUSS EVERYTHING WITH YOU?

[ SCOFFS ] YOU'RE A STRANGER

IN THIS HOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW YOU

FROM A CAN OF PAINT.

HAVILLAND,

YOU'RE HIRING YOUR SISTER

AS YOUR

PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

THAT'S COLD. THAT'S LIKE SAYING,

"I NEED A MAID.

I'LL HIRE MY MOTHER."

I THINK

FIRST OFF, I'M OFFERING

MY SISTER A JOB.

I AM DOING HER A FAVOR.

SHE'LL MAKE MORE MONEY

WORKING FOR ME

THAN SHE WILL WORKING

FOR ANYBODY IN D.C.

ME AND MY SISTER.

[ JET ENGINE REVVING ]

SECONDLY, THIS IS BETWEEN

SO WHILE YOU'RE IN MY FACE

IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE,

YOU BETTER TAKE

YOUR THREAD-BARREN,

FAKE-BOOK WRITING...

PISS-COLORED ASS

OUT OF MY...HOUSE!

[ JET ENGINE STOPS ]

TO BE IN THE MIDDLE

WELL, I SEEM

OF A LITTLE BIT

OF A LOVERS' SPAT, SO --

EXCUSE ME, MISS THING,

BUT I'VE GOT A MAN.

[ SCOFFS ]

WHATEVER, HAVILLAND.

BYE, BAD BOY.

BYE, HAVILLAND.

[ SIGHS ]

TO OFFER MY SISTER A JOB.

LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

I MEAN, I'M NOT DOING

ANYTHING WRONG.

WHY ARE YOU

QUESTIONING ME?

HEY, FINE, ICEBERG SLIM.

YOU DON'T SEE NOTHING WRONG

WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

IF HE GETS PISSED...

WAIT A MINUTE.

NURSE RATCHED?

AIN'T THAT RIGHT,

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT

YOU CAN TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?

WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE

THAT I CAN'T?

[ SMOOCHES, BLOWS ]

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

[ WATER BUBBLING ]

[ RATTLING ]

[ RUMBLE, EXPLOSION ]

[ WATER RUSHING ]

MAN, I'M SO GLAD

I DIDN'T KISS THAT TWIT.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

COME ON IN, COME ON IN!

MWAH!

HAPPY NEW YEAR,

SWEETHEART!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HELLO, MRS. MOORE!

TO SEE YOU!

IT'S SO GOOD

GRANDMA, YOU REMEMBER

CAROLINE, RIGHT?

[ SPITS ]

OH, AND THIS

IS LEE PLENTY.

OOH. MWAH!

[ LAUGHS ]

GRANDMA.

COME IN.

I AM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT LEE

OVER HERE TODAY.

IT IS GOOD LUCK

TO KISS THE FIRST MAN YOU SEE

ON NEW YEAR'S DAY.

YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

I THOUGHT I HAD TO BE THE FIRST

ONE TO STEP OVER THE THRESHOLD.

WHATEVER.

Havilland:

SORRY WE'RE LATE, GRANDMA.

BUT WE JUST SPENT

THE LAST TWO HOURS

CLEANING THE BATHROOM.

THE TOILET EXPLODED.

OH?

MADEMOISELLE,

I SAID I WAS SORRY.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU

WANT ME TO SAY?

CAROLINE, YOU KNEW

THE TOILET WAS BROKEN.

AND YOU KNEW

MY FATHER'S CAT WAS DEAD.

SO, MY QUESTION TO YOU IS,

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

MON CHERIE,

I ALREADY TOLD YOU

I FORGOT TO TAKE

MY MEDICATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT,

CAROLINE?

THIS BEFORE.

WE'VE GONE THROUGH

THAT DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW

WE'RE NOT EVEN GONNA GO INTO

BECAUSE WE'RE

AT MY GRANDMOTHER'S.

UNH. UNH. UNH!

UNH!

[ TALKING STOPS ]

[ SIGHS ]

SO, LEE...

WHAT'S YOUR BOOK ABOUT?

ABOUT HIS BOOK, GRANDMA.

LEE DOESN'T TALK

HE SAYS HE'S WRIT--

I'M --

I'M RE-- I'M REWRITING IT.

HE'S WRIT--

HE'S WRITING

A LOVE STORY.

IT'S -- I'M AT A BLOCK

RIGHT NOW, SO I'M REWRITING IT.

OOH! [ LAUGHS ]

I LOVE LOVE STORIES.

BUT IT'S NOTHING LIKE

THAT, UH -- WHAT IS THAT?

YOU KNOW,

THE ONE WITH THE FOOL

AND THE GIRL

IN THE BOAT?

A FOOL, A BOAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

EXCUSE ME?

OH, YOU KNOW THE ONE

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THE BROTHER'S A --

A DRUG ADDICT.

AND HE SHOOTS THE FATHER.

AND EVERYBODY CRIES AT THE END.

OH.

WAIT.

COME ON.

THIS IS A BOOK,

RIGHT, GRANDMA?

NO, NO, NO, THE MOVIE.

IT'S A MOVIE!

OH, UH, "JASON'S LYRIC"?

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW THE ONE

YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

IS IT ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

NO.

GOOD.

SO, WHEN IS IT

COMING OUT?

WELL, UH, I'VE BEEN TALKING

TO A COUPLE OF PUBLISHERS,

INCLUDING THE ONE

THAT HAV WORKS AT,

SO IT'LL PROBABLY BE

LIKE ABOUT SIX MONTHS.

UH, SAY ABOUT, LIKE, JUNE.

BE LOOKING FOR THAT JOINT

ON THE STANDS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

OOH, I'M SO EXCITED.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA BE

A BIG,

MUCKETY-MUCK WRITER.

AND I CAN SAY,

TELL EVERYBODY,

THAT LEE PLENTY

SAT IN MY LIVING ROOM.

I'M BROKE SITTING UP

IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK BROKE.

YOU LOOK HAPPY.

DON'T LOOK HAPPY.

MOST BROKE FOLK

WHO'S THIS?

THAT'S HAVILLAND'S

GRANDFATHER.

HE DIED

EIGHT YEARS AGO.

GOOD-LOOKING BROTHER.

YES, HE IS.

[ TIMER DINGS ]

WELL, Y'ALL MAKE

YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE,

AND I'M GONNA GET IN HERE

AND SEE ABOUT THIS DINNER.

HAVILLAND. HAVILLAND.

COME HELP.

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S YOU.

WHY IS MY NOSE

A FOOT LONG?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A LIAR.

WHY IS MY GROIN INFLAMED?

ARE ON FIRE.

'CAUSE YOUR PANTS

[ LAUGHING ]

SO, IS LEE

YOUR NEW SUITOR?

I LIKE THE CUT

OF HIS JIB.

NO, GRANDMA.

LEE AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

YOU'RE GONNA MARRY HIM.

WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME.

NO.

YOU DON'T KNOW LEE.

YOU CAN NEVER EVEN GET

A STRAIGHT ANSWER OUT OF HIM.

YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY HIM.

AND LIVE IN POVERTY

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE GOING TO

MARRY HIM.

GRANDMA --

HAVILLAND.

JUST LISTEN FOR ONCE.

WHAT DID I TELL YOUR SISTER

FIVE YEARS AGO,

WHEN SHE WALKED IN HERE

WITH FELIX FOR THE FIRST TIME?

AND WHAT DID I TELL YOUR MOTHER

35 YEARS AGO,

WHEN YOUR FATHER

CAME TO MY BACK STOOP

DELIVERING GROCERIES?

GOT DIVORCED WHEN I WAS 13.

GRANDMA, MOM AND DAD

I CAN'T TELL YOU KIDS

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU DO IT.

ALL I KNOW IS WHAT I SEE

WHEN I SEE

TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER.

AND, HAVILLAND,

I HAVE MET YOUR HUSBAND.

HE'S OUT THERE

SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM.

NOW, YOU CAN EITHER DO THINGS

THE HARD WAY OR THE EASY WAY.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

IT'S YOUR LIFE.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

[ DOG BARKING ]

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

NANCY, SLUGGO.

HI.

ELVIRA.

A PLATE.

GRANDMA MADE YOU

OOH, THANKS.

THANKS A LOT.

YEAH. IT'S OKAY.

HAV, CAN I TALK TO YOU

FOR A MOMENT?

[ SIGHS ] CAN YOU WAIT

LIKE A HALF-HOUR?

I HAVE SOME WORK

THAT I NEED TO FINISH.

IT'S IMPORTANT.

I CAN'T FORGET.

YEAH, SURE.

GREAT.

Havilland:

ARE YOU STAYING?

QU'EST CE QUI SE PASSE?

WHAT THE HELL'S

THAT MEAN?

WELL, NOTHING

GOING ON HERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

SHE'S A WORK OF ART.

I'LL TALK WITH YOU.

LET ME, UH,

TAKE MY HAT AND COAT OFF

AND SLIP INTO SOMETHING

MORE COMFORTABLE, AND...

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

...I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

YOU DO THAT.

"EVERY TIME I TRY TO LEAVE,

SOMETHING KEEPS HAPPENING.

"LEIGH'S DOWNSTAIRS,

FOOLING AROUND WITH HER CAMERA,

"HAV IS WORKING

ON HER COMPUTER,

"AND I DON'T KNOW

WHERE CAROLINE IS.

SO, NOW'S A GOOD TIME FOR ME

TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE."

[ INTERCOM BUZZES ]

LEIGH: Lee?

FIGHTING WITH FELIX.

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE

I KNOW YOU'RE IN LOVE

WITH MY SISTER.

EE. UH.

[ STOPPER CLANGS ]

UH, AND HOW

DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, I KNOW YOU TWO WERE

IN A CLASS TOGETHER IN COLLEGE,

AND I KNOW SHE KEPT

FINDING UNSIGNED VALENTINES

IN HER BOOK

FROM A SECRET ADMIRER,

AND I KNOW THAT

A YEAR AND A HALF

AFTER YOU GUYS

HAD GRADUATED,

YOU BUMPED INTO HER

ON THE STREET,

CAME UP TO HER AND SAID,

"I WAS THE ONE

SENDING YOU THOSE VALENTINES,"

ALWAYS WONDERED WHO THAT WAS."

AND SHE SAID, "OH, REALLY? I

AND THEN Y'ALL

WENT ON A DATE.

WASN'T A DATE.

IT WAS JUST LUNCH.

SO YOU HAVE NO INTEREST

IN HAV.

NOPE.

THEN, WHY ARE YOU WASHING

YOUR HANDS WITH CHEESE?

[ WATER RUNNING ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

Havilland: LEE, I KNOW

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE TONIGHT,

BUT CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND LOOK AT MY STEREO?

[ DOOR OPENS ]

LEE?

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ LEATHER SQUEAKING ]

[ BLOWS ]

[ HEART BEATING ]

[ HEART BEAT CONTINUES ]

[ BEVERAGE BUBBLING ]

I DON'T KNOW --

I MEAN, I LOVE FELIX,

BUT SOMETHING'S MISSING.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN...

I WAKE UP,

HE GOES TO WORK,

I CLEAN THE HOUSE,

I WATCH TV,

BUT I'VE JUST

BEEN FEELING SO...

DISENFRANCHISED.

YEAH.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE...

IT'S LIKE I DON'T -- I DON'T

BELONG ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, FELIX THINKS

IF I -- IF I GET A JOB

AT MY DAD'S PLACE,

BUT THAT'S NOT IT.

THEN IT'LL ALL BE BETTER,

I MEAN,

THAT JOB'S NOT ME.

[ SLURPING ]

HE DOESN'T UN--

[ CHUCKLES ]

DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

HAVILLAND DOESN'T

UNDERSTAND, EITHER.

[ SIGHS ]

AH, SCREW HAVILLAND.

HUH.

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY GOES

TO HAVILLAND FOR ADVICE,

WHICH IS REALLY IRONIC

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

'CAUSE SHE'S THE MOST SCREWED UP

IN THE HEAD OUT OF ALL OF YOU.

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ BEEP ]

"ENTER PASSWORD."

"L-E-E."

"INCORRECT PASSWORD."

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

"H-A-V-I-L-L-A-N-D."

ENTER.

"CORRECT PASSWORD."

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME

LIKE YOU DIDN'T HAVE

A SENSE OF PURPOSE

WHEN YOU GRADUATED.

AND WHEN YOU MARRIED

YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL SWEETHEART

THINKING THAT WOULD HELP

AND IT DIDN'T,

YOU FELT

EVEN MORE LOST.

YEAH.

[ HEART BEATING ]

YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH, WELL, WE'RE KIND OF

IN THE SAME BOAT.

I MEAN, UH...

OF ACCOMPLISHMENT, EITHER.

I DON'T HAVE A SENSE

I MEAN,

I'M WRITING THIS BOOK,

BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT'S

GONNA HAPPEN WITH THAT.

NOT A DAY GOES BY

WHERE I DON'T WAKE UP

RIDDLED WITH SELF-DOUBT.

IT'S LIKE...

AN IDENTITY CRISIS OR SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE I'M HAVING

I MEAN, SINCE GRADUATION,

I'VE BEEN WONDERING

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME,

AND IN HALF AN HOUR,

YOU'VE FIGURED IT OUT.

YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

[ CHUCKLES ] LEE, YOU'VE --

YOU'VE CURED ME.

[ REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES ]

REALLY DO ANYTHING.

WELL, UH, I DIDN'T

EVERYBODY LOOKS FOR

THAT SENSE OF PURPOSE IN LIFE

THAT GIVES YOU DIGNITY.

I BELIEVE NIETZSCHE PUT IT BEST

WHEN HE SAID,

"THE FORMULA

OF MY HAPPINESS --

A YES, A NO,

A STRAIGHT LINE, A GOAL."

IN AN INSANE ASYLUM,

OF COURSE, NIETZSCHE LATER DIED

SO MAYBE THAT'S NOT

SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

I KNOW THREE THINGS.

FIRST, THAT YOU'RE

GONNA BE VERY BIG...

EVERYONE'S GONNA

KNOW YOUR NAME.

SECOND, I'M GONNA MOVE

TO NEW YORK AND TAKE THAT JOB,

AND THIRD...

COME HERE, LEE.

WHOA, LEIGH.

I'M NOT KISSING YOU.

JUST COME HERE.

LEIGH,

I'M NOT KISSING YOU.

LEE.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

JUST COME HERE.

YOU'RE RIDING IN MY CAR

THAT'S NOT

A GOOD IDEA.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

THINK ABOUT

JUST ONE.

I AM THINKING

ABOUT IT.

I TURN ON THE RADIO

LEIGH, YOU'RE

A MARRIED WOMAN.

I KNOW, SO JUST ONCE.

LEIGH, USE YOUR HEAD.

LEE, JUST ONCE.

NO ONE'S GONNA FIND OUT.

YOU SAY YOU WANNA STAY

NO ONE -- NO ONE --

WE'RE GONNA TELL ANYONE.

IT'S NOT LIKE

LEIGH, GET A GRIP

ON YOURSELF.

BUT I WANT YOU TO GO

JUST ONCE.

IF I -- IF I DON'T DO THIS,

I'M -- I'M GONNA

OBSESS OVER YOU,

TO GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD.

YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT

AND I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE

JUST ONE KISS.

SURE. HAVILLAND!

BUT YOU KNOW I'M A LIAR

LEE!

[ SHOES SQUEAK ]

LEE, JUST ONCE.

JUST ONE KISS.

LEAVE YOU ALONE, I PROMISE.

COME ON. JUST ONE, AND I'LL

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS, OOH

WHAT THE HELL'S

WRONG WITH YOU?

[ VIOLIN STRING SCREECHES ]

OH, GOD.

CAROLINE, IT'S NOT

WHAT YOU THINK.

CAROLINE!

[ SIGHS ]

AS OUTLANDISH AS THIS ALL SEEMS,

AND REMEMBER, FOLKS,

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

HAV.

LEE.

COME HERE.

I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HAV, YOU'RE NOT

GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

BUT YOUR SISTER

JUST TRIED TO KISS ME.

REALLY?

DOWNSTAIRS IN THE KITCHEN,

WE WERE JUST --

UGH!

[ SIGHS ]

HEY.

HI.

LOOK, UM...

I KNOW I SAID I WASN'T

GOING TO BOTHER YOU, BUT...

I MISSED YOU.

FELIX, I, UM...

I HAVE TO

TELL YOU SOMETHING.

EASY, EASY.

IF YOU GET UP TOO FAST,

YOU'LL FEEL LIKE 5 POUNDS

OF...IN A 3-POUND BAG.

WHOA, HEY.

YOU AIN'T DOING NOTHING.

I'VE BEEN KISSED HARDER

BY WEAKER GIRLS THAN YOU.

OH, YOU TALK THE TALK...

Both:

...BUT DO YOU WALK THE WALK?

EXCUSEZ, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT

YOUR LITTLE PRIVATE TALK HERE,

BUT COULD SOMEONE

DRIVE ME HOME?

UH, SURE. UH, SURE.

FELIX!

FELIX. FELIX.

MR. BUGMASTER?

HOW YOU DOING,

DAMN.

OOH.

Leigh: FELIX! FELIX!

HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

[ THUD ]

FELIX.

FELIX, HE DIDN'T

DO ANYTHING.

I TRIED TO KISS HIM.

LEE REFUSED ME.

HE DIDN'T KISS HER.

MNH-MNH.

[ SIGHS ]

HAVILLAND --

DON'T TALK TO ME.

DON'T YOU EVEN SPEAK TO ME.

YOU HAVE...UP IN SUCH A BIG WAY,

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

I TRUSTED YOU,

AND YOU...ME?

THIS...WITH MICHAEL,

I JUST WENT THROUGH

AND I HAVE NO INTENTIONS

OF GOING THROUGH THIS...

WITH YOU.

YEAH!

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT THE HELL

DID THAT MEAN?

[ SIGHS ]

I'M GOING HOME.

YOU GIVE ME

THAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

ALL THIS LOVE

MAKE ME

DO YOU LOVE HIM?

SHOW THE FEELINGS

I WANNA HIDE

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

NOTHING COMPARES

TO THE LOVE YOU'RE GIVING

HAVE YOU GIVEN HAVILLAND

AN ANSWER ON HER JOB OFFER?

I THINK

I'M GONNA TAKE IT.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING ABOUT?

OH, YES, THIS FEELING

I'VE BEEN FEELING

IT ALWAYS COMES AROUND

I'M GOING HOME.

ARE YOU COMING WITH ME?

WHENEVER I'M THINKING

ABOUT YOU

HMM?

STAY HERE TONIGHT.

I'M GONNA

TELL ME WHAT DO I DO

WHEN I GOT A LOVE

THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO LOVE

[ SIGHS ]

YOU'RE GIVING ME

WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

AT HOME

YOU GIVE ME

ALL THIS LOVE

THAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

Felix: LEIGH...

SHOW THE FEELINGS

I WANNA HIDE

I'M CONFUSED HERE, OKAY?

AND I'M REALLY NOT SURE

WHAT'S GOING ON,

BUT I-I FEEL LIKE

I'M LOSING MY WIFE...

...COMPARES TO THE LOVE

YOU'RE GIVING

AND I-I DON'T KNOW WHY.

YOU GIVE ME

WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

AT HOME

BABE, I LOVE YOU.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

I SHOULD BE SATISFIED

WITH THE LOVE

THAT I ALREADY HAVE

CONTENT ABOUT

ABOUT THE THINGS

THAT HE DOES

BUT I NEED SO MUCH MORE

SO MUCH MORE...

SO MUCH MORE

[ SIGHS ]

THAN WHAT HE'S GIVING

AT HOME

IS CAROLINE A TWIT?

ALL THE TIME SHE'S BEEN

SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT,

AND THEN YOU ASK THAT?

WHEN SHE WAS HERE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT

ALL THIS LOVE

THAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE

ALL MY FRIENDS

ARE RADICALLY CODEPENDENT?

SHOW THE FEELINGS

I WANNA HIDE

DO I...PURPOSELY PICK

NEEDY FRIENDS?

YEAH.

KISS CAROLINE?

NOTHING COMPARES

WHY DIDN'T YOU

TO THE LOVE YOU'RE GIVING

[ SIGHS ]

SHE WAS DRUNK.

SHE WAS BUZZED.

THAT DIDN'T ATTRACT ME.

I GUESS.

BUT YOU WERE ATTRACTED

TO MY SISTER.

YOU GIVE ME SO MUCH JOY

YES, I WAS.

NEVER KNEW

WHAT I WAS MISSING

SO WHY DIDN'T YOU

KISS HER?

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

FEELINGS I JUST CAN'T DENY

WELL, HAV, THERE'S

A TIME AND A PLACE

FOR EVERYTHING,

I BELIEVE, AND...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

NOTHING COMPARES...

...IT WASN'T OUR TIME,

AND IT WASN'T OUR PLACE.

SIMPLE AS THAT.

TO THE LOVE

THAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVING

YOU'RE WHAT I'VE BEEN MISSING

AT HOME

[ SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ WATER SWISHING ]

I'M NOT TIRED.

DO YOU WANT

TO COME AND TALK?

COME IN MY ROOM.

[ SIGHS ]

OH, BOY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU LOOKED AT HER,

THEN YOU LOOKED AT ME,

AND AUTOMATICALLY YOU SAID

TO YOURSELF, "BONE SCENE."

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I HAVE WHICH IS CALLED...

WILLPOWER, RESTRAINT,

SELF-CONTROL.

THAT'S WHY THE VERY NEXT SCENE

IS GONNA BE OF ME

GETTING IN BED,

PULLING THE COVERS UP,

AND GETTING SOME SHUT-EYE.

ANY TIME NOW.

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

COME AND SIT.

COME IN. HEY.

WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER, HAV?

PROBABLY AT HER FIANCé'S.

[ METAL CLANGS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ THUD ]

OW.

[ LAUGHING ]

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU OKAY?

OUCH.

THAT HAPPENS TO ME

ALL THE TIME.

OH, MY GOD.

DON'T BLEED ON THE CARPET.

DON'T BLEED

ON THE CARPET.

[ SIGHS ]

THOUGHT I WAS...AROUND,

DIDN'T YOU?

[ SNIFFLES ]

OF "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" ]

[ KNOCK TO TUNE

[ DOOR OPENS ]

Havilland:

I WASN'T DONE TALKING YET.

YOU ASLEEP?

IF YOU'RE TIRED,

COME IN MY ROOM.

THIS BED'S

UNCOMFORTABLE.

[ FOOTSTEPS DEPART ]

[ HEART BEATING ]

SO YOUR HEAD MUST

BE PRETTY SWOLLEN

NOW THAT TWO GIRLS

MADE GOOGLY EYES AT YOU

AND TWO GIRLS TRIED TO KISS YOU

IN ONE WEEKEND.

DID-- DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING

TO DO WITH ME.

BOBBY AND ALEXANDRIA PROBABLY

MAKE GOO-GOO EYES AT EVERYBODY

'CAUSE THEY KNOW

THEY'RE UNAVAILABLE.

CAROLINE WAS JUST FEELING

THE CHAMPAGNE,

AND LEIGH WAS JUST ANGRY

AT HER HUSBAND.

SO IT ACTUALLY HAD ABSOLUTELY

NOTHING TO DO WITH ME,

REALLY,

WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT.

I ADMIRE

YOUR HUMILITY, MONEY,

GET AT YOU IN ONE WEEKEND.

BUT FOUR GIRLS TRIED TO

WHY IS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I'M MOVING TO D.C.

YEAH!

WHAT IS THIS?

A MASSAGER.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

LEE?

[ MASSAGER VIBRATING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SCOFFS ]

[ VIBRATING STOPS ]

PUT THAT ON THE FLOOR.

GET RID OF IT.

I'M LEAVING IT

RIGHT HERE.

[ MASSAGER HITS FLOOR ]

LEE...

HOW COME YOU NEVER

TRIED TO KISS ME?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS.

I'M SERIOUS.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF I TRIED TO KISS YOU?

WOULD YOU REFUSE ME?

YES.

'CAUSE A BED ISN'T THE TIME

OR THE PLACE FOR A FIRST KISS.

YOU KNOW WHAT

I LEARNED ABOUT YOU?

WHAT?

THAT YOU ARE ROMANTIC.

YOU'RE RIDING IN MY CAR

I'M SORRY OUR FIRST KISS

CAN'T BE OVER

A CANDLELIGHT DINNER,

I TURN ON THE RADIO

BUT THIS IS THE TIME...

AND THIS IS THE PLACE.

I'M HOLDING YOU CLOSER

LEE, KISS ME.

I WANT YOU

TO KISS ME, LEE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME NO

YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT

LEE, KISS ME.

BUT I KNOW

THAT YOU'RE A LIAR

KISS ME, LEE.

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS, OOH

FIRE

LATE AT NIGHT

MM-MM-MM

YOU'RE TAKING ME HOME

YEAH, YOU SAY

YOU WANT TO STAY

BUT I WANT YOU TO GO

I SAY I DON'T LOVE YOU

BUT YOU KNOW

I'M A LIAR

LEE.

YEAH?

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS, OOH

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU

MAKE LOVE TO ME.

ARE YOU ANGRY?

NO.

FIRE, OOH

YOU'RE NOT ANGRY?

FIRE

NO.

[ SIGHS ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

LEE, I KNOW YOU DON'T

KNOW THIS ABOUT ME,

BUT I'M A FREAK.

UH-HUH. SO?

YOU HAD A HOLD ON ME

RIGHT FROM THE START

[ SIGHS ]

SO THAT'S HOW I AM.

THAT'S HOW I THINK.

A GRIP SO TIGHT

I COULDN'T TEAR IT APART

WHEN I'M IN SOMEBODY'S ARMS,

I WANT TO FEEL LIKE

THE SEXIEST BITCH ALIVE.

WANT TO BE IN THEIR ARMS.

ACTING LIKE A FOOL

AND IF I DON'T, THEN I DON'T

MY NERVES ALL JUMPING

WELL, YOUR KISSES MIGHT BURN

SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT

'CAUSE I'M NOT GETTING ANGRY,

BUT MY HEART

YOU DON'T FEEL SEXY.

STAYS

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S JUST HOW I THINK.

COOL

WHY DON'T YOU GO READ UP

ON HOW FREAKS ARE

AND HOW WE THINK?

NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME...

TO READ A BOOK ON FREAKS

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THE HELL I'M DOING.

[ SIGHS ]

WAS THIS A MISTAKE?

YEAH, THIS WAS A MISTAKE.

IF YOU HAVE TO ASK ME THAT,

ARE YOU ANGRY?

YES!

GOOD.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD

GO GET SOME SLEEP,

BECAUSE WE DO HAVE TO

GET UP EARLY.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, TURN THE LIGHTS OUT

WHEN YOU LEAVE.

[ SIGHS ]

MAN, I JUST WALKED

RIGHT INTO THAT POWER TRIP.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I JUST FELL FOR THAT.

YOU THINK

I'D HAVE LEARNED BY NOW.

[ KEYS CLACKING ]

[ SETS DOWN PEN ]

LEIGH, ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

THINGS GOT A LITTLE HEATED,

BUT I'M NOT ANGRY

IF YOU STILL AREN'T.

HAVILLAND, I'VE BEEN

THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND I'M GONNA TURN DOWN

YOUR JOB OFFER.

THANKS, THOUGH.

ARE YOU STILL ANGRY?

LEIGH?

[ CHUCKLES ]

AM I STILL ANGRY?

THAT DOWN, NOW, SHALL WE?

WELL, LET'S JUST BREAK

AM I ANGRY

WITH THE ONE PERSON

I HAVE WORSHIPPED, ADORED,

EMULATED MY ENTIRE LIFE,

ONLY TO FIND OUT

IN ONE WEEKEND

THAT SHE IS,

"A," SELFISH...

"B," FAKE...

A POWER-HUNGRY BITCH

AND, "C,"

WHO WOULDN'T KNOW

A GOOD MAN

IF HE WAS STANDING

IN THE NEXT ROOM?

SEE, HAVILLAND,

SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

I WANTED YOUR LIFE,

BUT, YOU KNOW,

NOW I KNOW THAT MY LIFE

IS BETTER THAN YOURS,

AND IT TOOK A STRANGER --

A STRANGER

TO SHOW ME THAT.

SO SINCE THAT I HAVE...

LITERALLY LICKED THE BUTT

OF A FALSE IDOL

FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS,

AM I ANGRY WITH YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, YOU TWIT.

[ SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

HEY, YOUR CAB'S HERE.

SO I GUESS IT'S TIME

TO SAY THE THING

THAT WE'RE NOT

SUPPOSED TO SAY.

[ HORN HONKS ]

Leigh: GO AWAY.

WHAT?

JUST GO AWAY.

LEAVE HER ALONE.

[ CAB DOOR CLOSES ]

[ CAB DEPARTS ]

WIPE YOUR TEARS AWAY

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY

NO MORE

NO MORE

WIPE YOUR TEARS AWAY

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY

NO MORE

TAKE MY HAND, FOLLOW ME

I GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED

LONG AGO I HAD A DREAM

AND SHARE

SOMEONE WOULD COME

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

THE YEARS AHEAD

SO I WAITED AND I PRAYED

THAT HE DIDN'T COME TOO LATE

I DIDN'T KNOW

KNOW YOUR NAME AT ALL

I WANTED HIM TO SAY TO ME

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY

NO MORE

I DON'T HAVE TO CRY

NO MORE

NO MORE, OH, OH

WIPE YOUR TEARS AWAY

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY

NO MORE

I WANTED HIM TO SAY

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED

COME TO ME

SO THAT I CAN BE IN LOVE

HOW I LONG TO BE IN LOVE

IN LIFE ALONE

LIKE CARRYING ON

[ LEIGH LAUGHS ]

NO ONE TO HOLD

[ SIGHS ]

BUT I'M STILL STRONG

LEE...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE

BEEN THINKING LATELY, BUT...

I JUST WANTED

TO LET YOU KNOW

PLAYING GAMES WITH YOU.

THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN

AND AS FAR AS YOU

AND I ARE CONCERNED,

IT'S JUST...

I JUST DON'T KNOW

WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW.

AND I GUESS

YOU COULD CHOOSE

TO...WITH THAT, OR NOT.

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

WELL, HAV...

I BELIEVE YOU DO KNOW

WHAT YOU WANT.

AND FOR DAMN SURE

IT AIN'T NO THREADBARE,

FAKE-BOOK WRITING SUCKER

WHO LIVES IN HIS CAR.

BUT THAT'S OKAY,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT

TO BE WITH SOMEONE

WHO'D RATHER GO TO A PARTY

THAN PUT UP A CHRISTMAS TREE,

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

THERE, MONEY.

BUT [SIGHS]

WE'RE STILL FRIENDS,

AND I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU

FOR INVITING ME DOWN.

IT WAS THE BEST NEW YEAR'S

I HAD IN A WHILE,

AND I'M SERIOUS

ABOUT THAT.

I HAD A GOOD TIME

AND I WANT TO THANK YOU,

SO, THANKS.

CALL ME. TOMORROW.

WHAT FOR?

JUST CALL ME.

I'LL BE AT MY OFFICE

ALL DAY...

WAITING FOR YOUR CALL...

AT YOUR WHIM.

YEAH, I DOUBT THAT.

KING LEE.

QUEEN HAV.

[ BEEPING ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

BYE.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

Gladys: "HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAV.

WELCOME BACK.

"A PACKAGE CAME FOR YOU

THIS MORNING.

I PUT IT ON YOUR DESK.

GLADYS."

OHH

OHH

OHH, HMM

I LOVE

OH, OH, DON'T GO,

DON'T GO

IN A WORLD WITHOUT YOU...

[ BEEP ]

YEAH?

Hi, Hav,

this is Gladys.

I think the guy that sent you

the flowers is on his way up.

AND STAY WITH ME

BUT THE LONELINESS

WILL KILL ME TONIGHT

THANKS.

HEY.

CAN I COME IN?

WASTING TIME TOGETHER

TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS

GIRL, IT'S COOL WITH ME

YOU NEED A FAVOR,

I'M THE ONE YOU ALWAYS CALL

YOU DEPEND ON ME

3:00 IN THE MORNING

SO, UM...

[ BLOWS ]

...HOW WAS

YOUR NEW YEAR'S?

WHEN I TRY TO KISS

YOUR BODY...

[ SNEEZES ]

HEY, HAV,

SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

WE'RE JUST SUCH BIG FANS.

AND, MR. SIMMONS, I WAS HOPING

I COULD GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

IF WE COULD TAKE A MINUTE

OUT OF YOUR TIME.

DO YOU MIND?

SORRY, HAV.

Michael: SURE.

DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT.

OH, I FORGOT A PEN.

[ GIGGLES ]

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY,

DON'T WORRY, LADIES.

POW! WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHO'S THIS FOR?

MELISSA.

MELISSA.

"TO MELISSA."

YOU KNOW WHAT, MELISSA,

YOU CAN'T SPELL "MELISSA"

WITHOUT AN "M"

AND AN "E."

YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

[ GIGGLES ]

CD IS TERRIFIC.

OH, THANK YOU.

LOVE 40, LADIES.

THANKS AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HAV?

ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SEE YOU LATER, HAV.

BYE.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU CAN KEEP THE PEN.

THANKS. THANKS.

HAV...

I KNOW

YOU'RE UPSET WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT,

AND -- AND -- AND

YOU HAVE

EVERY REASON TO BE.

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]

MIKE, BABE. LOVE YOU.

HEY, MAN, LOVE YOU, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, LOVE 40, NOW.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT -- YOU KNOW

WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND?

NOTHING.

ALL WEEKEND...

STAYED AT HOME

I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO,

NO WAY, NO HOW

...BY MYSELF,

WATCHED DICK CLARK.

[ INHALER HISSES ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, HAV. HEY, MIKE.

Havilland: HI.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING THERE?

FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, LOVE 40.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO

OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW.

BUT WHAT DO YOU SAY...

THIS WEEKEND...

I COME BY...

PICK YOU UP?

WE CAN GO LOAD UP THE

RANGE ROVER FULL OF GOODIES

AND DRIVE UP TO MY PLACE

IN THE HAMPTONS.

MAYBE ON SATURDAY,

YOU KNOW,

WE GO INTO YOUR LITTLE FAVORITE

SPOT IN TOWN FOR DINNER,

YOU KNOW,

JUST LIKE WE USED TO.

GET SOME STRAWBERRIES

AND CHAMPAGNE FOR DESSERT

ON THE WAY HOME.

I WANT THE FULL RANGE

I WANT --

OF HAVILLAND SAVAGE,

FROM -- FROM

THE BOARD ROOM, ALL RIGHT,

US DOING BUSINESS TOGETHER IN

OUR CONSERVATIVE LITTLE SUITS,

DOWN INTO THE BEDROOM,

WITH ME JUST, LIKE, LICKING

ON YOUR CLITORIS OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T CARE.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU KNOW...

YOU SEE -- YOU SEE THIS VEIN

IN MY HEAD RIGHT HERE?

IT POPS OUT

EVERY TIME I'M AROUND YOU.

WALK AWAY

BUT THE LONELINESS

WILL KILL ME TONIGHT

HAVILLAND SAVAGE...

I'M ON BENDED KNEE.

I LOVE YOU.

HI, MIKE.

HEY, MAN,

HOW YOU DOING?

LET'S DO LUNCH.

HEY, LOVE 40, BABY.

AND I WANT YOU TO BE...

MY WIFE.

[ HORN HONKS ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ CLOCK TICKING ]

[ CAT PURRING ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

GIVE ME A HUG.

GIVE ME KISSES AND LOVE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

SO. WHAT'S UP?

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S GOING ON? HOW YOU BEEN?

HOW WAS YOUR NEW YEAR?

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

YOU KNOW?

IT WAS ALL RIGHT,

WELL, MY NEW YEAR'S -- LET ME

TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW YEAR'S.

ARE YOU LISTENING? I'M GONNA

TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW YEAR'S.

WELL, I WENT TO THE MOVIES,

I RENTED SOME MOVIES,

I SAW SOME MOVIES,

I WATCHED REPEATS,

I WENT TO THE CLUB,

I WENT TO THE DISCO --

EVELYN, COULD YOU EXCUSE ME

FOR A MINUTE?

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

Lee: "HAVILLAND...

"HOURS INTO DAYS,

DAYS INTO WEEKS,

"I WILL STILL

BE THINKING OF YOU.

"I'LL CHILDISHLY DEPEND

"ON THESE DAYS

AND WEEKS AND MONTHS

I FEEL WHEN I THINK OF YOU,

"TO BLANKET THAT SHARP STING

"BUT TO NO AVAIL, I'M SURE.

"I GOT IT BAD,

AND THAT AIN'T GOOD.

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

"WHY DO I DREAM OF YOU?

"AM I FOREVER DOOMED

TO ACHE AND LONG

"FOR A GIRL WHOSE CONSTANT

CENTER-OF-ATTENTION LIFESTYLE

"MAKES ME SICK?

"I'VE NEVER FELT SIMULTANEOUS

"ATTRACTION AND REVULSION

BEFORE.

"IT'S MAKING ME MISERABLE.

I WOULDN'T CHOOSE THIS

IF I HAD A CHOICE."

"THIS FEVER THAT QUICKENS

MY PULSE WILL BREAK SOON.

"THIS LONGING I HAVE

TO KISS YOU AND BREATHE YOU

OF YOUR SKIN

"AND TASTE THE DIZZYING SCENT

"WILL FADE AWAY.

"EVENTUALLY, ANOTHER

HURRICANE WILL ROAR UP

"AND INTRODUCE HERSELF

"AND SPIN ME AROUND

AND AROUND AND AROUND.

"AND HOPEFULLY, WHEN SHE AND I

ARE SITTING IN A RESTAURANT

"AND I'M STARING

AT A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE

"FOR WHAT SEEMS AN ETERNITY,

"AND SHE ASKS ME

WHAT I'M THINKING

"AND I SAY, 'NOTHING,'

"HOPEFULLY THAT WON'T BE A LIE

LIKE IT USUALLY IS.

"HOPEFULLY I WON'T WANT TO SAY,

"'HAVILLAND'S EYES,

I AM THINKING.

"'HAVILLAND'S LIPS,

I AM THINKING.

"'HAVILLAND'S HANDS,

I AM THINKING.

"'HAVILLAND'S LEGS,

I AM THINKING.

"HAVILLAND SAVAGE,

I AM THINKING.'

I LOVE YOU."

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, HAV, WANT TO GO TO A PARTY

AT THE NEO BAR TONIGHT?

MICHAEL MIGHT BE THERE.

GET YOUR GROOVE ON?

SURE.

Trudy: [ LAUGHS ]

CAREFUL, CHRIS.

YOU'LL FEEL LIKE 5 POUNDS

OF...IN A 3-POUND BAG.

[ LAUGHS ]

TRUST ME, TRUDY.

I'VE BEEN KISSED HARDER

BY WEAKER WOMEN.

HMM.

THAT TALK, BUT --

YOU CAN TALK

I CAN WALK THAT WALK.

UH, EXCUSE ME,

I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT

YOUR LITTLE PRIVATE TALK,

BUT COULD ONE OF Y'ALL

TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE?

UM, YEAH. UM, YEAH.

HAROLD.

HAROLD. HAROLD.

HEY, MAN, WHAT'S UP?

YEAH, WHAT'S UP,

MOTHER...

UH...

EXCUSE ME.

HAROLD, BABY, IT WAS ME.

I TRIED TO KISS HIM.

HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

I'M TELLING YOU.

IT WAS ME.

I TRIED TO KISS HIM.

BABY? BABY?

Chris: HAROLD --

OOH.

[ THUD ]

[ AUDIENCE LAUGHING ]

THAT WAS NOT NICE.

UM, CHRIS, GET UP.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, HEY, TRUDY!

GIRL, YOU WANT TO GO

TO A PARTY TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW

GLEN MIGHT BE THERE.

SURE.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU FOR COMING

TO THE METROPOLITAN

INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL.

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

OF "TRU LOVE,"

THE WRITER AND DIRECTOR

MR. LEE PLENTY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU.

A-ANY QUESTIONS?

MR. PLENTY, I LIKE

THE TITLE "TRU LOVE."

HER NAME IS TRUDY,

AND HIS LAST NAME IS LOVE.

THEY WERE GONNA GET MARRIED.

BUT I THOUGHT

YEAH, SO DID I.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL?

HERE'S THE SEQUEL --

UH, THEY NEVER SAW EACH OTHER

AGAIN AFTER THAT WEEKEND,

SHE CHOSE TO LIVE HER LIFE

WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

AND HE WROTE A GREAT SCREENPLAY

ABOUT THAT STORY

AND GOT OVER HIS BROKEN HEART.

HE'S DEFINITELY OVER HER.

I KNOW YOU DON'T

HAVE A DISTRIBUTOR.

AREN'T YOU AFRAID THAT

THEY'LL WANT A HAPPY ENDING?

I NEVER MADE "TRU LOVE"

TO, UH, HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.

I ALWAYS WANTED IT

TO HAVE A REALISTIC ENDING,

NOT SOME FAKE FAIRY-TALE ENDING.

JUST FOR ANY DAMN MOVIE EXECS.

AND I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE THAT

[ APPLAUSE ]

HEY. HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

OKAY.

HEY, WHOA, LOOK AT YOU.

CAROLINE.

HI. [ LAUGHS ]

THANKS FOR COMING,

Y'ALL.

THANKS FOR INVITING US.

WE WOULDN'T

HAVE MISSED IT.

IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

LOOK AT YOU, MAN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS.

CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.

IT WAS, UM --

IT WAS, UH, EXCELLENT.

YEAH, IT WAS GOOD, MAN.

IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I DIDN'T GET THE ENDING.

YO, LEE, WHAT'S

HAPPENING, BROTHER?

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

LOVED THE FILM, MAN.

THANK YOU.

YOU'S A BAD MOTHER...

MR. PLENTY.

MISS SAVAGE.

IS IT STILL "MISS"?

YEAH.

SO, HOW COME

YOU NEVER CALLED ME?

HOW COME

YOU NEVER CALLED ME?

[ SIGHS ]

I DON'T WANT

TO ARGUE ANYMORE.

I'M NOT ARGUING.

I'M JUST, YOU KNOW --

I'M OVER IT.

I'M NOT GONNA --

I'VE MOVED ON.

I'VE GROWN.

I KNOW YOU WERE HURT --

I WASN'T HURT.

OKAY, I KNOW

THAT YOU'VE GROWN.

AND I'VE GROWN, TOO.

FOR THE PAST YEAR, I'VE --

I'VE REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING

I THOUGHT I WANTED

WAS ALL BULL...

I MEAN, I THOUGHT ABOUT ALL

THE TIMES WE SPENT FIGHTING,

AND...

I THOUGHT BACK TO MYSELF

AND SAID,

YOU KNOW, WAS I --

WAS I BLIND?

YOU WERE EVERYTHING

I NEEDED.

THAT I ALWAYS DREAMED OF

YOU WERE THE MAN

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

I love you.

Woman: LEE PLENTY?

LEE PLENTY.

HI, I'M AMY MADISON.

AND THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE

LLOYD BANKS.

I RUN CAPRICE FILMS.

CAPRICE FILMS.

HI.

YEAH, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

HI. HI.

WELL, I SAW YOUR FILM,

AND I LOVED IT.

WE DEFINITELY NEED TO DO

SOME BUSINESS TOGETHER

AND MAKE SOME MONEY.

I THINK THE WORLD

NEEDS TO SEE "TRU LOVE."

NEEDS TO SEE IT.

OKAY.

FIRST, WHAT

WE NEED TO DO IS --

IS MAKE ARRANGEMENTS

TO FLY YOU OUT TO CALIFORNIA

SO WE CAN SIT DOWN

AND DISCUSS

THE CHANGES

THAT NEED TO BE MADE.

CHANGES.

CHANGES, LIKE WHAT?

I THINK THE FILM

WELL, I MEAN,

COULD USE A MORE

OPTIMISTIC ENDING.

OPTIMISM.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT,

YOU STAND TO MAKE MILLIONS.

SOUNDS COOL?

SURE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EVERYBODY!

LEE GOT HIMSELF A DEAL!

Leigh:

CAPRICE FILMS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Havilland: YOU DID IT.

ONE LITTLE CHANGE,

YOU FINALLY MADE THE BIG TIME.

ISN'T THAT WHAT

YOU ALWAYS WANTED?

YEAH.

Lee: SHE'S RIGHT.

I GOT THE DEAL AND THE GIRL,

A LITTLE BIT.

AND I ONLY SOLD OUT

IT'S WHAT I WANTED.

RIGHT?

WELL, ROMEO AND JULIET

HMM

SAMSON AND DELILAH

BABY, YOU CAN BET

THEY WERE BURNING

WITH DESIRE

IF I SAY SPLIT

YOU SAY SPLIT

THEN YOU KNOW

THAT I'D BE LYING

I KNOW THAT

YOU'D BE LYING

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS

OOH

FIRE

OOH

YOU HAD A HOLD ON ME

RIGHT FROM THE START

I COULDN'T TEAR IT APART

A GRIP SO TIGHT

MY NERVES ALL JUMPING,

ACTING LIKE A FOOL

YOUR KISSES MIGHT BURN

BUT MY HEART

STAYS

COOL

COOL

YOU'RE RIDING IN MY CAR

I TURN ON THE RADIO

I'M PULLING YOU CLOSER, YES

BUT YOU KEEP TELLING ME NO

YOU SAY YOU DON'T LIKE IT

BUT I KNOW

THAT YOU'RE A LIAR

'CAUSE WHEN WE KISS

OOH

FIRE

LATE AT NIGHT

MM-MM-MM

YOU'RE TAKING ME HOME

YEAH, YOU SAY

YOU WANT TO STAY