Original subtitles

Good time, anytime you need a payment. Good time, anytime you need a free.

Good time, anytime you're out for Monday.

Not getting hassled, not getting hustled. Keeping your head up for water.

Making a wave when you can.

Temporary layoffs. Good time.

Mama and JJ are not back from house hunting yet. They should be back soon,

right? Talk to you later.

Hey, Michael, wouldn't it be great if we could live in this house right here? It

has five bathrooms, two upstairs, two in the back, and one little one in the

entryway. Oh, I guess they have that one just in case you can't make it to the

other four, huh?

Hey, Thomas, why are you jiving yourself looking at those rich people's houses?

Well, I can dream, can't I?

How could the Evans afford a million -dollar house?

Well... We can start out by buying day -old bread.

Well, frankly, I'll live any place that has two bathrooms.

Yeah, but knowing J .J., he'll probably buy a gas station.

I can't. Mama!

Hey, J .J.

We found a place.

Yeah, it's got two bathrooms. Yeah, golf or technical.

Please give me a chance to sit down.

Now, the house needs some work. How much work?

Just a little work, like carpets, drapes, paint, walls.

Walls? Oh, J .J., it's not that bad.

A few of the walls do need plastering. Nothing that a batch of Thelma's oatmeal

couldn't fix.

63rd and Wilson.

Not exactly one of your higher -end districts.

No, matter of fact, neighborhood's so tough, the welcome wagon is a tank.

J .J., can't be any rougher than it is living here.

Ma, when can we see it?

Well, you can see part of it right now.

J .J., where did you get that doorknob?

Well, I went to pull the door open, and the knob came off.

living in the house now?

Jacqueline Onassis.

Only she can't afford to make the payments.

It's been vacant for three months.

Except for the rats, but they're doing a great job with the payments.

J .J., instead of putting the place down for what it is now, why can't you see

it for what it could be, what we can make of it?

I guess you're right, Ma. I was so busy trying not to build up our hopes, I

guess I was tearing down our dreams.

You know, it's really not a bad $15 ,000 house.

And we're getting in for a real steal for 25.

That's a steal?

Well, now, honey, in this crazy, inflated housing market, homes are

two and three times what they're worth.

But I still can't believe it. Our very own homes.

Well, now, Thelma, let's not get carried away.

You know, a house is like the harvest moon.

close, you can almost touch it.

But it's really a million miles away.

We still got to get that loan.

You know, Ma, that's not going to be easy, especially with this redlining

business.

Michael, what's redlining?

That's when the white bankers draw red lines around black areas and don't give

up no green.

Now, Michael, there's more than one way to skin a cat. You know, to qualify for

that FHA loan, we only have to come up with 3 % down.

Hey, 3 % of $25 ,000, that's $750.

Boy, I tell you, if this cat ever blows a fuse, we in deep trouble.

It shouldn't be hard to raise a down payment, because we've all been working.

I've been doing very well driving the school bus.

I have saved $250.

Yeah? Well, I saved $50 for my box boy job down at the supermarket.

Yeah, and Keith's doing well driving the cab, and me working at the boutique.

You know, Ma, we've saved $350.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

Hey, look, Ma, your $250 plus my $50 added to Keith and Thelma's $350, that

us $650. All we need is $100 more.

All

right,

JJ, where's yours?

What about you? You've been painting signs for that department store

Oh, yeah, Ma. I did paint 25 fire sale signs.

All right, J .J., where's the money?

Well, I never got paid. I made a mistake of putting up the signs two days before

the fire. No, J .J., I know you better than that. You got some extra cash

stashed away somewhere. Now give it up, man.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy now.

I want everybody to turn their backs, close their eyes.

No peeking allowed.

Stop kidding me.

Now, turn your backs now. Come on.

All right, then.

All right, Michael. Here you go. My entire life savings donated to the Evans

House Fund.

Three dollars?

Brother Jay, you will be sleeping on the porch.

all your money? Well, Ma, I had a big date with heavy -duty Hannah.

And I needed something special. You know, something that would make a real

impression on my masculinity.

But something subtle.

So I knew when I saw this jumpsuit that this had to be me.

Lord have mercy.

JJ, where did you get that?

At Tarzan's garage sale?

You better take this back before it bites somebody.

Now,

now, wait one minute. What is this?

Hey, Malona, take it easy.

This happens to be our down payment on our new house.

House? Flo?

Flo, Flo, you found a house?

Oh, girl, I'm going to miss you, too.

Okay. Now, look, tell me about the house.

Well, Lona, it's just what I always dreamed of.

It's got a private backyard where I can grow my own fresh vegetables and then a

big kitchen where Thelma can cook them.

Yeah, and a big garbage disposal where I can get rid of them.

Well, well, well. So the Evans family's buying a house.

Bookman, how did you know that?

Nothing gets past the easiest.

Nothing gets past that stomach either, buffalo butt.

So where is this house?

63rd and Wilson.

Mm -hmm.

Knowing that neighborhood, that house is going to need a lot of work. Just like

the projects, huh?

And when things break down, there ain't going to be nobody around to fix it.

Just like the projects.

Hey, that's not true. Just last week, I put a brand new light bulb in your

refrigerator. Oh, now, come on, Bookman.

You know, if you haven't been sticking your big head in there all the time, we

wouldn't need no new light bulb.

You know what I'm going to miss about you, J .J.? No, what, Bookman?

Nothing.

Tell you what.

If you like, I'll go over and inspect the house.

I'll check out the wiring, the furnace, the foundation.

You'll do that for us?

Hey, what are friends for?

Bookman, you're full of surprises.

That is really sweet of you.

And since you're friends, I'll only charge you $10 an hour.

Out!

Out! Out!

I'm going to stand with you somehow.

Give me something.

Oh, well, I've got to be going, too. But look, congratulations, and keep me

posted, okay?

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

You know what?

I've always wanted a house of my own and a garden of my own and a man of my own.

I could do without the garden, you know that?

I'm going to see you all later, okay?

Bye, Lana.

Bye -bye.

I'm going to miss that girl.

Not half as much as I'm going to miss you.

All right, Ma, what's the next step on our new house?

We've got to put down a deposit.

And then we've got to apply for a loan.

But remember, everybody, the payments are going to be high, and it's going to

a struggle.

But with all of us pulling together, we can make it work.

Don't worry, Ma.

It's going to be a pleasure to struggle for something all our own. Right on.

That's great, and all this time I thought it was just talk.

Nah, I didn't think we could do it either, but we finally found one we

afford. Yeah, and we're all chipping in.

Mom's using all of her savings, and so is Michael and JJ, and we're throwing in

ours, too. Throwing in ours?

Hold it, what do you mean we're throwing in our savings?

Yeah, we need it for the down payment, otherwise we can't get the house.

I guess you can't get the house, because there's no way we're parting with our

savings.

I can't believe you said that.

I already told him I was going to chip in. Well, maybe you should have asked me

first. Well, maybe I should have, but I thought I knew you better than that.

Hey, Keith, I mean, what is it, man? Are you part of this family or what? All

right, Michael.

Thelma.

I'm sure Keith has his reasons, so you all just back off and let him have his

say. Thanks, Ma. I hope I don't sound selfish.

No, you don't sound selfish.

You sound more like a leech.

I want Thelma and I to have a place of our own one of these days. That's why

we're saving.

Keith, we will.

We're going in with the family right now. Is this temporary?

Yeah, about as temporary as Lake Michigan.

After the down payment, you got the taxes, the insurance, the mortgage. We

have anything to set aside for our future.

I understand, Keith, if that's what you want.

Maybe you're right, Keith.

You know, we could be living with the family for years and years. No, you

Thelma.

JJ, please.

You know, Keith, man, I guess you weren't thinking.

Counting you in without even asking you.

You know, Keith, when I look at you and Thelma, I see me and James just starting

out all full of hopes.

I only wish I had the money.

I'd buy you two that house tomorrow.

You would.

Well, hey, what's the matter? Aren't I a part of this family?

Count me in.

Say what?

See,

my family was always everyone out for themselves.

Nobody gave anything to anybody.

Guess I'm not used to a family that gives like this one does.

That's the only way we can live.

That's why we ain't got nothing now.

You got one thing, and that's love.

Right. And I am a part of this family, so if you need our money for that house,

you got it.

Tell me we got plenty of time for our dream.

Okay.

All right, kids, I want you on your best behavior. We want to make a good

impression.

What you doing, fool?

Thelma, the hidden camera's up there.

I'm going to make sure they get a good shot of me just in case there's a

J .J., with that face, you're liable to set off the alarm.

You got some nerve with your old coyote face. I don't want to hear that. Shut

up! I don't want to hear your poking head.

Stop it!

People are beginning to stare at us.

Hey, what's happening?

Those executive desk exercises you showed me are great for getting rid of

tension.

Yeah, oh, I do them every chance I can get.

Mm -hmm.

Oh,

yeah, right. Uh, about the loan. Now, um, we can only authorize 6 .5 million

that apartment complex.

Uh -huh.

Good, good. Then I'll put it through right away. Fine.

Mm -hmm. Give my love to Bambi.

What can I do for you people?

Six million dollars?

I think we're in the wrong place. We only want a small housing loan.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. This bank gives the same consideration to the

man as we do to the big corporations.

Well, then, in that case, we'll take ten mil and small bills.

Will you please take a seat?

Sit down.

Now, who's applying for the loan?

Well, actually, it's a joint venture.

All right. Then who is the head of the household?

I'm Mrs. Evans, and this is my family.

And here's the information we got from the real estate agent.

You know,

I'd really like to give you this loan.

I can see you're really wrestling with yourself.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just getting rid of tension.

I hope you can get rid of some cash just as easy.

Now, I see that the house is in one of the more lived -in areas.

Yeah, the newest house there is a cave.

However, you seem to have made a very good buy.

Does that mean we get the loan?

Is that yes or no?

I think I hurt myself.

What about the loan, man?

Well, I'm afraid we can't. Why not? What I mean is that this is a little too

risky for the bank to handle, so I think that we should go through the FHA.

Now, uh...

That would be $25 ,000 at 3%. That would give you $750.

That would give me $750.

We got our own model right here.

All right, now, the loan procedure is really very simple.

It's not that hard.

JJ, will you stop it?

Now... First, we'll have to verify your credit, so how about a list of

creditors? We don't have any.

If we can't pay cash, we do without.

Shh, shh, shh.

What do you think?

That could ruin the entire American economy.

I mean, where would this country be if we didn't all owe more than we could pay

back?

No need to fret, no need to frown. Brother Jay owes money all over town.

15 big ones to Larry, and 35 big ones to Fistface McGee.

Well, I'm afraid those don't count.

Tell them that.

Yes, well, Mrs.

Evans, maybe we can pass this loan on your record of employment.

How long have you held a full -time job?

Well, we all work part -time. I work 25 hours per week. I work 20 hours a week.

And I work 15.

I work 12.

I toil approximately 16 hours a week.

All added together, that's 88 hours a week.

And that's more hours than Johnny Carson works in a whole year.

Well, I hope you're just exercising, man.

No, no, I really would like to help you folks, but the FHA regulations do

require full -time employment.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't make the rules.

But you do interpret the rules.

Now, full -time employment is defined as 40 hours a week.

Between us, we have twice that amount.

I don't recall a rule that covers this particular situation.

Oh, boy, I'm beginning to feel stress.

And since there is no rule, that means that you have the power.

Well, one could say that, couldn't one? Well, here's five of us saying it now.

Let's make that six.

I'm going to pass this loan as fast as I can.

All right.

What kind of tension does that release?

Racial.

J .D., what kind of wine did you get?

Well, I thought when Mr. Rutherford called and told us we had to loan, I

no expense.

Look at this.

Shadow Bonaduce.

From the sunny slops of the Bonaduce brothers' estate.

J .J., brother, don't you mean the slopes?

No, it's slops, Michael. They're on a pig farm. Hey,

party on the ground!

Florida, we got a present for your new house.

Oh, thank you, Penny.

Isn't that a beautiful welcome mat?

I guess you know.

You two will always be welcome.

We're going to miss you all so much.

Oh, baby, I'm going to miss you, too.

And, Wilona, what am I going to do for some hot gossip?

Yeah, and who am I going to tell it to?

No need to worry, because when Wilona Woods talks, everyone listens.

All right.

Well, look who's here, the poster boy for Save the Whale.

who's going to get you a great deal on wall -to -wall copying, huh? Oh,

we know about your great deal.

No, this is legit.

Now, what are the square feet of the house?

Bookman, we don't know, but why don't you come down there and stand next to us

so we have something to compare it to?

We don't stop picking on Bookman.

That's all right, Ms. Evans. Let them insult me. That's the only way I know

love me. Yeah, Bookman, and when you come over to visit us, we'll just tell

neighbors you're our pet water buffalo.

I think that's enough love for the day.

Oh,

come on in, Mr. Rutherford. Join the celebration.

Ah, Mr.

Rutherford. Hey, everybody.

Let's have a big toast for Mr.

Rutherford, who paved the way for us to get the loan from the FHA. Hey, hey,

hey. No, no.

Please, please.

Mrs. Evans.

Oh, call me Florida.

Well, I can imagine what you're going to call me when I tell you the news.

Uh -oh.

I thought you said the loan was approved.

Well, the loan was approved, but the house was unavailable.

I don't know how your real estate agent slipped up. You see, that area's been

scheduled for urban renewal.

Some developers are going to construct a shopping mall there to try to lure the

suburban middle class back to the inner city.

Well, if you tear down our houses, where are we urban lower class supposed to

live?

I'm afraid nobody's solved that problem yet.

I can't tell you how badly I feel about this.

Flo, honey, I'm sorry.

I am too, Miss Evans.

Michael,

it's all right. Don't cry.

It's just not fair.

You're such fine people.

You get one step ahead and they push you back two.

Look, Mr. Rutherford, this family has faced disappointments before, and we

always come through.

Yes, but you deserve a better house than this.

It's not the kind of roof we have over our heads.

It's the family under the roof that counts.

You're all so, so brave.

Mr. Rutherford, you've got to find yourself another line of work.

Look, everybody, turn on the music.

Now, we may not have a party, but we could still have a good old -fashioned

week.

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