Original subtitles

Good time, anytime you need a payment. Good time, anytime you need a free.

Good time, anytime you're out and under.

Not getting hassled, not getting hustled.

Keeping your head up for water.

Making a way when you can.

Temporary layoffs. Good time.

Now, let's see, let's see now. Add a pinch of salt and a pinch of pepper and

two pinches of oregano.

Oh, another pinch won't hurt.

That does it.

Mmm, that's Italian, huh, Mom? That's right, baby.

Anything that gets that many pinches has got to be Italian.

Hi, Rolona. Hi, Penny. Hi, baby.

Ooh, that sure does smell good. What you cooking?

Oh, instant chicken cacciatore.

Instant? How do you do it?

First, I start with a bucket of chicken.

Can't get more interesting than that. And then I tell you, I don't eat up.

How do you do that? Get Frank Sinatra to punch out the chicken? Oh, stop it.

Let's see, now, a couple more pictures of a regular wouldn't hurt, would it?

Hey, we're going.

Where's Keith and Thelma?

Are they in their catatory?

Don't be funny.

Keith is looking for a job, and Thelma's filling in for me at the boutique.

Call Walter Cronkite and get the scoop because the Ebony Prince has got the

poop.

Keith, Thelma, get on out of there. Come on out here.

You're not back yet. Where's Mom?

Mom!

Now you know Mom's out of town visiting her cousin.

Oh, yeah. What's the scoop?

Well, Walona, I saw this horrible accident.

JJ, did you look in the mirror again?

Remember, you're the youngest, so any good looks you inherited are my

I saw this horrible accident between two cars.

So what?

Michael, don't you get it? That makes me the only eyewitness. The official Juji

Fuji.

What happened, J .J.?

to J .J., I don't want Penny hearing about any vicious, gory accidents.

Oh, no, Malone, it wasn't vicious or gory. It was one of them G -rated

accidents.

Something the whole family can enjoy.

All right, J .J., how did it happen?

Well, Michael, I was on Michigan Avenue buying some art supplies when my eyes

inspired out the window this lady in this big pink Cadillac wants to play

demolition derby with this taxi cab.

Before she put out a hand to make a right.

Then she put her hand and make a left. Then she put out both hands and went

through the red light.

She shouldn't even be allowed on the road.

Michael, she wasn't on the road. She was on the sidewalk.

Then she made an illegal U -turn, came around, and nailed the cab broadside.

Did you see who she was?

No, Your Honor. It's too dark.

Besides, I was too busy giving my name to the police, since I'm going to be the

only non -compassmentist witness.

You know, this is going to cost the Windy City Cab Company a pretty penny if

they want my testimony.

J .J., witnesses can't be paid.

Well, this one can.

Give me one good reason why I can't. J .J., if you pay somebody for their

testimony, you can get them to say anything.

It's unfair, unreliable, unethical, and it would totally destroy our whole legal

system.

Michael, stop being picky.

J .J., witnesses do get reimbursed for loss of expenses and loss of income.

Ah! I wonder how much I get reimbursed for my loss of expenses and my loss of

income. J .J., look at it this way, brother. You have no steady job.

Your art classes don't bring you in any income, therefore forcing you to have no

expenses.

When I add that together, we got a net of zero.

Forget about the net. Just give me the gross.

I'm looking at the gross.

Grandpa needs some more oregano for the chicken. Go to the store for me? Sure

thing. Keep the change.

All right. Excuse me, Brother Jay.

Are you spying again?

I'm not spying. I'm sniffing.

You know,

I've had a complaint about the strong food smells coming from this apartment.

Oh, yeah? Who's complaining?

Me. I haven't been offered any.

Give your nose a cold shower.

We haven't got enough chicken cacciatore for you, honey. Oh, come on, Miss

Woods. Miss Woods, you got enough food in there to feed the entire Italian

You got enough fat in there to sink the entire...

How about that? Give me that wing. Give me that wing. Give me that drumstick. I

need something to take the trip down in the elevator.

Look at that. I'm shaking.

I got chicken withdrawal.

I guess that's why I saw you at the kernel licking fingers that weren't

It's going to be in that big bucket in the sky.

No chicken.

Ah, come on.

Here. Here's a wing. Take it and fly away.

Mmm, it's delicious.

Needs a little more oregano.

That's why Booker can't lose no weight. He eats anything that's not nailed down.

Yeah, whenever he goes out of town, they have to weigh him on a truck scale.

Twice he got charged for overloading.

What are you doing here, you overdressed peacock?

Peacock? Woman, please. These are my morning clothes.

Sweet Daddy just came from a funeral.

Whose funeral? I don't know the sucker's name.

It was Clyde 267, but I do remember that he was just a little bit late with his

payment, so Sweet Daddy sent him a knife reef saying, R .I .P.

Oh, rest in peace? No.

Return interest in principle.

Now on to some other business.

Tight -lipped Mary told me your mama is out of town, so she can't be here to lay

that guilt trip on me. So, boy, you better behave while I ask you a few

questions, or else I'm going to come down on you like gravy on grips.

Right, boy?

Wait a minute.

Sweet Daddy Smell Chicken.

That's unusual.

Coming from a turkey.

That girl can't resist me. Get your hands off me. Oh, girl, let me taste

chicken. Don't touch my food. Come on. Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

That's the spicy.

That chicken and OD'd on a regular.

Well, if I knew you were going to come by, I would have thrown in a clove of

arsenic. Oh, sweetheart, you don't have to be so sweet with me now. Sweet

Daddy's already spoken for.

Yeah, just like that other dummy, Charlie McCarthy.

any more money? I know. The magic is gone for my relationship.

Tough. Hey, Sweets, this can't be a social visit, can it? Oh, no. Why not, J

.J.? You mean, it is?

No.

Uh, I didn't think so. But, Sweet Daddy is mad, and I am very offended that you

don't think of me as just plain folk.

Well, Sweets, it's tough to think of some people as plain folks.

I mean, like Jack the Ripper, Attila the Hun, Darth Vader.

Don't you be calling me no dog waiter, boy.

Oh,

my goodness.

I sure hope she didn't get a diamond.

Penny, Penny, I'm shocked at you.

Nice young ladies do not go around kicking other people. Right on.

But a pointy -headed orangutan is cool with mama.

Now, let's see, where was I? Oh, yes, J .J.

J .J., my man, I've come over here to test the condition of your baby brown

eyes. Now, I want you to look at this eye chart and tell me exactly what you

see. Uh, two rubies, five emeralds. Oh, wait a minute, now, not that.

Uh, five cute little fingers. Now, watch this, abracadabra.

Now, you see this cute little fist?

It's going to help you see better.

It is? Sure, because if you don't see things right, boy, I'm going to give you

root canal job with your mouth closed. Sweet,

I don't understand.

Yes, you know what I mean.

See, someone told me that you were witness to an accident between a

conveyance and a set of private wheels, huh?

Oh, you mean when the caddy made an illegal U -turn and rammed a taxi? Oh,

arena, baby, wrong arena.

It looks like J .J.'s memory needs jogging.

Well, maybe we ought to take this little skinny dude's memory out in the alley

and run it around the block a few times.

Oh, yeah!

I agree.

Now, come here, J .J., let me ask you something. Are you familiar with the

of my delight? I mean, the pearl that is beyond price, the queen of the ghetto,

Miss Savannah Morgan?

Oh, yes, Savannah Morgan, yes, I am. Mm -hmm.

Are you aware that today is the anniversary of her birth?

Oh, well, in that case, I run right out and get her a card.

That will not be necessary, J .J., because Sweet Daddy is already taking

that. Now, I'm going to give you one guess what I got.

A big pink hog.

Moving along, moving right along. Now, can you tell me where that big pink hog

was about an hour ago?

On Michigan Avenue.

Beautiful. So good.

It's so good.

Now, JJ, me and you are going to play a game like let's make a deal, but you

ain't going to get nothing, you understand?

What you are going to have, you're going to be able to keep a few valuable items

like your nose on straight, all your teeth, and other vital parts of your

anatomy. You dig me?

My total attitude is Dignus Sweet. All right. Now, let's take this accident

report one more time from the top.

All right? And I reserve the right to just jump in and punch up the story or

when necessary.

Stop.

Well, this big pink Cadillac was wheeling down Michigan Avenue,

driven by one, the pearl of your delight, Miss Savannah Morgan.

Go on.

Driving at a moderate speed, absorbing all the current and future traffic laws.

When suddenly, out of the night, A reckless taxi broadsided the Cadillac,

leaving Mr.

Vandermorgan clear of all charges, current and future.

I'll buy that. Y 'all buy that, fellas?

All right. So, brother, now you get to keep your teeth.

One more thing, David. Just one more thing. If anybody comes around

like the police or the insurance company, that is going to be the story

tell them, right?

Hey, but Sweets, that ain't right.

I mean, you're putting words in my mouth.

Well, J .J., let me tell you something. It's either that or knuckles.

Hey, hey, hey, if it ain't the legal beagle. What's happening, Michael? You

still trying to pass the bar?

Yeah, and when I do pass the bar, first thing I'm going to do is put you in your

hood behind bars.

All right.

I think you're going to like Leavenworth in the springtime.

Yeah, it is quite lovely. Very lovely child, brother.

JJ,

what do you want?

Michael, isn't it possible Sweet Daddy could just stop by for a social

discussion? JJ, the only thing Sweet Daddy wants to discuss is your money or

your life.

Michael, let me explain something to you. Slowly and carefully.

Butt out.

Keith, what happened to your arm, man? Oh, just a little accident.

Yeah. Would you believe it? His first day driving a cab.

Yeah, the cab company thinks I'm responsible for the accident. My arm

the only part of me that's in the sling.

Keith, what cab company do you work for? Windy City Cab Company.

The Windy City Cab Company?

Keith, where did the accident occur?

On Michigan Avenue. I was just driving through this intersection when suddenly

out of left field, you never guess what happened.

I get broadsided.

By a big... Pink Cadillac?

Yeah.

Now, how did he know?

Just a lucky guess.

What? Malone, I can't believe it. J .J. saw the whole accident. Oh, that's

great. Ma 'am, you can save my job. I didn't even know I had a witness. J .J.

said that it was all the other driver's fault.

Well, he's dead right.

Did you have to use a term like dead right?

Keith, I'm glad to hear you're in the clear.

Thank goodness.

Hey, wait a minute. Keith and JJ, since y 'all are related, the court is going

to get suspicious, so you better not let it sound like you put your heads

together to come up with a story.

Keith, what are you going to say?

That I was broadsided by this big pink car.

And JJ, you just better not use the same words.

No, I'll say this taxi brought by this big pink Cadillac.

That way they won't think we put our heads together.

Are you crazy?

JJ, I'm beginning to suspect you don't have a head.

Your neck is just blowing a bubble.

JJ, look, why are you suddenly acting so dumb?

Five minutes ago you said it was clearly the woman's fault.

Well, I don't know, Wilona. I haven't been seeing that well lately.

You know, I have been getting kind of nearsighted. I don't know what it is.

know what I mean, Thelma?

Nice try, fool.

See, I know what your problem is, J .J. See, you were an incubator baby, and

they turned the heat up to broil.

If you don't testify for him, he's going to lose his job and he's going to go

down on his record. Come on, man.

Don't worry about it. There's plenty of other cab companies. Keith will get

another job.

Oh, you know something? You are a real rat.

A real double -crossing snake.

Well,

at least I got two friends left.

JJ, not only are you a rat and a snake, but you can't count, brother.

You're batting zero, honey.

Now, why are you changing your story, J .J.? Why?

Oh, come on, Maloney. Get off my case.

I mean, the asses could have been Keith's fault as well as Savannah's.

J .J., did you say Savannah?

Uh, I said Havana.

Like in cigar.

No, you didn't, turkey.

I heard you. You said Savannah.

Why would I say Savannah?

That's in Georgia.

They don't make cigars there.

J .J., stop stalling. Now, everybody knows that Sweet Daddy's main lady is

Savannah Morgan.

She was driving that Cadillac, wasn't she? So you changed your mind because

Sweet Daddy threatened you, right?

Sweet Daddy threatened me?

Nobody threatens me. You see, I float like a butterfly, sting

like a bee.

And if you don't tell it right, you're going to have to answer to me.

Oh, come on, J .J., don't be frightened, man.

Sweet Daddy's going to protect you.

All you got to do is say the right thing when the man from the insurance company

comes here to take your testimony.

What man?

Evans resident?

That man.

I'm Mr. Miller. I represent the Windy City Cab Company, my stenographer.

Pleased to meet you, ma 'am. Pleased to meet you. Why don't you have a seat? And

here, sweetheart, let's see Daddy take this for you.

Who is James Evans, Jr.? He is.

Now let's get on with all of this accident testimony while it's still

my man's mind.

What are you doing here, you demented rainbow?

Boy, you are the sergeant of arms. Come over and subdue this loudmouth with a

fat lip.

Hey, wait a minute now.

Intimidating a witness is a criminal offense.

Aw, shucks.

Go ahead, that fellow. That's all.

Mr. Miller, you may proceed.

Thank you.

As you know, this deposition is a statement under oath to be used in

Perjury... That's right, J .J., perjury is punishable by one to five years in

jail, with a fine not to exceed $5 ,000.

Very good.

Thank you.

Mr. James Evans, Jr., please come forward.

Oh, I just remembered. I'm double parked.

Oh, my God, they must have told it.

Mr. Evans, this won't take long.

One to five years in the slammer.

Or one to five years in a coma.

Kindly raise your right hand.

The other right hand.

Oh, it seems to be asleep.

Yo, J .J.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, half of God?

Uh,

yes.

Well,

it was a cold and rainy night.

The wind was whistling.

Yes, yes. Now, please, Mr. Evans, just the facts of the accident you witnessed

involving Mr. Keith Anderson and a Miss Savannah Morgan.

Savannah Morgan?

She was driving the car?

Oh, uh -huh. Now I see why you're here.

Keith, do you see? Savannah Morgan is his lady.

And that's how they got J .J. to change his story.

Oh, now I see.

Excuse me. Can I speak to the witness for a second?

Now, look, J .J., I've been easy on you one time. I don't expect Street Daddy to

go through no type of rerun of my humble act, you understand?

Now, if you don't say the right thing, I'm going to come down on you three

different ways.

Long, hard, brother, and frequent.

Mr. Miller, you may reiterate the last question.

Mr. Evans, are you ready to make a statement? Yes, he is.

Well, this big pink Caddy driven by one Miss Savannah Morgan was wheeling down

Michigan Avenue.

On the night in question, she was driving so bad it would have set the

Safety Council back 20 years.

It was all Savannah's fault.

All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, just a minute.

Is that all you got to say, boy? Is that all you're going to say to the man?

I just regret that I have but one body to give for my family.

Well,

it's a skinny body, brother. Very skinny, but it's going to have to do.

And there's two funerals in the same week. Fellas, let's get this sucker.

Oh, so there you are, you penny -pinch of money -grabbing muckworm.

Savannah, baby.

Cheap, lying, two -faced and tightwad.

Well, honey, your lips are moving, but you aren't saying anything.

But, baby, what did I do?

How dare you buy me a second -hand car for my birthday?

Uh -uh, uh -uh. That chariot I got you was top of the line.

What line?

A clothesline?

The man at the garage, he told me that that car had a rebuilt engine. It had a

bent frame and three of the tires were recast.

Okay, honey, can't we discuss this another time?

No, we can't discuss this no other time. I'm glad I hit that taxi. I never would

have found out about all this.

Uh... Would you mind repeating that?

I said I never would have found out about all this.

I mean, the first part.

I said, uh, oh, yeah, I'm glad I hit that time.

Pull on the load.

Innocent, Tess. Yeah, innocent.

Thanks, sweetie.

Savannah, you are getting us in a lot of trouble with that big flapping mouth of

yours.

karate right off the showroom floor.

And this time, I'm getting a bill of sale.

So long, Mr.

Slick.

Get out of my way.

Did you see that? Honey, did you see that? Come on, now. Let's go be doing

Let's go be doing it.

Is that still on? Good. We'll take this down.

of all, Savannah Morgan never had no license. The woman's blind in one eye.

Also,

she got more tickets than the Chinese.

Good times is videotaping for a studio audience.

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