Original subtitles

Good times, anytime you need a payment. Good times, anytime you need a friend.

Good times, anytime you're up and under.

Not getting hassled, not getting hustled. Keeping your head up for water.

Making a way when you can.

Temporary layoffs. Good times, easy credit ripoffs.

Good times, scratching ass.

I'm looking to see if anybody needs some part -time help.

I do.

And will you set the table?

Yeah, all you had to do was ask.

I'm dead out of here.

Don't anybody make a move. I want to remember the sight of my humble

Great, because you're just in time to take a...

I've just scored the winning touchdown, and I'm dancing in the end zone.

J .J., man, what are you talking about?

Mr. Miguel, Thelma, your illustrious brother, the Ebony Prince, has just

a promotion!

All right! That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's

All right, then. This calls for a celebration!

Yeah,

how y 'all doing? Am I in time for these celebrations?

Just in time, Melona.

Thelma, go get our good champagne glasses.

And get the jelly out the bottom of them glasses, will you?

But we're going to celebrate.

Champagne is the way to go.

By the way, what are we celebrating?

Well, you see, what happened was that the big boss called us all in today,

us there was going to be a promotion up to assistant art director.

That means a raise, and I am the raisee.

Wait a minute, J .J., you said us.

Who else did he tell?

Russell, Raymond, Tom, a few of the other knuckleheads around the office.

Oh, J .J., you mean you were just in the running for it? We thought you already

had the gear.

Well, Lorna, can you imagine Mr.

G giving that raise to anybody else? Uh -huh.

Uh, come on, could you bring out that champagne? I got a toast to make here.

Look at this, Mr. Miguel.

Imported champagne.

Imported. JJ, it's from Cucamonga.

Look, Michael, you're a little young for all this, so you're going to have some

Kool -Aid, okay? Kool -Aid. All right, here we go here. Imported champagne.

All right. Look out. Now, here's the toast. Look out.

All right, then.

Look out, tongue.

Watch out, belly. Here come the champagne mixed with a little jelly.

Now,

here's to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that Ma and Dad always

wanted.

I was shaking.

What are you doing here so early?

Well, I'm here to clean out my desk.

You going somewhere?

That's right, Mama.

I'm moving up.

Didn't you hear about that promotion?

J .J., there are six others in line for that job.

You mean the also ran?

Mama, to show you how sure I am about getting that promotion, what do you say

and you go out on Saturday night and skip the light fandango?

Me and you.

Why not?

Now you're coming back to your senses.

Well,

if it isn't tall, bronze, and good looking.

Thank you very much, Raymond.

I meant kind.

You know, Raymond, for a man in your position, it's not wise to curry the

disfavor of higher up.

What higher up?

Me. Raymond, didn't you hear about that promotion, my good man?

Well, I better get back to my switchboard. I'll see you later, J .J.

Boy,

this must be my lucky day.

First a raise, now a promotion, then a date with a classy chick like Carmen.

How much pleasure can one man have?

I wouldn't get my hopes up over that job.

Why? You think you're going to get it?

about as much chance as you, brother.

And that's zero.

Hey, man, I know it's not going to land that predator stuff on me.

You know, this company has never come on like that.

Agreed, brother, or we wouldn't be working here.

But whoever gets this gig as assistant art director has to deal with several

accounts that I'm not so sure about.

You mean no blacks?

By Jove, I think he's got it.

You mean if I was president of a big company and I was dealing in Arab oil, I

would hire a dude named Sam Ginsberg?

Now I know he's got it.

Listen, Jay, if you were captain of a thinking ship and you had room on your

lifeboat for only one more, who would you give the seat to, a black man or a

white man?

Well, according to you, that would never happen. Why do you say that?

Because they'd never make one of us captain.

Morning, Mr. Galbraith. Hey there, Mr. G.

What can we do you out of?

Well, I got a little problem, fellas.

I need a rush job on a paste -up.

It's the ad campaign for that new instant stuffing.

Love their slogan.

Take it and stuff it.

Don't worry, Mr. G. I'll have it out for you if it takes me all night long. Oh,

thank you, J .J.

You're a very industrious young man.

Hiring you is one of my better decisions.

Mr. G, could I ask you kind of a personal question? Oh, anytime, J .J.

How personal?

Well, there's a rumor going around the office. It's not true. My secretary and

are just friends.

No, it's not that rumor, Mr. G.

It's about the promotion.

You see, there are certain people around here that think you won't give that job

to a black person. Now, see, I know you're not prejudiced, but that's what

scuttlebutt is.

Well, you're right, J .J. I certainly am not prejudiced. Ah, ah, ah.

However, I probably won't give that job to a black.

Ah, ah, ah.

I'm sorry about this, J .J., but I'm sure you'd rather have me be straight

you. You see, this company's success depends on the goodwill of all our

accounts. I just couldn't stay in business if some of them didn't approve

assistant art director. Yeah, but, Mr. J .J. I'm really sorry.

I don't like that league, but I have to play ball.

Well, if you're the one playing ball, how come I'm the one striking out?

not an ache it's a revolution the crowd and the kool -aid are fighting the chili

dogs to see which one kicks out the onion rings jj man i don't know why you

that junk this late at night anyway michael i was working late besides i get

lot sick of i was eating thomas cooking well i hope you chili

too, J .J. You coming?

Michael, hold it. Yeah? If you were the captain of a sinking ship and you only

have one seat left on your lifeboat, who would you give it to?

A black man or a white man?

Well, J .J., my answer is, well, it depends.

Depends on what?

Depends on who it is. I mean, is the black Barbara Jordan or Idi Amin?

Is Dwight Dr.

Salk or Lester Maddox? Hold on, J .J., how come all of a sudden the interest in

sinking ships?

You plan on taking a cruise, bro?

Yeah, to the Dead Sea.

Michael, I'm not getting that promotion.

Why not?

Well, the boss claims he has to give it to a white guy.

Calls it playing ball.

Hmm, I call that foul ball.

Well, see you later, man.

Michael? Yeah?

You ever wonder what it's like to be white?

J .J., I guess in my opinion, being white is never having to say, I'm sorry

didn't get that promotion.

Hey, but, bro, you got to face the facts. You're black, so be proud of it

deal with it.

And remember what Dad used to say?

You got to play the game with the uniform you issue.

Yeah, I remember him saying that.

He also used to say, take it easy on those chili dogs.

See you later, big bro.

Okay, Michael.

Oh, boy.

Chili dog rebellion.

Wonder who I give that seat to.

Probably the ship's doctor.

I don't know.

I wouldn't want to be involved in that captain business anyway.

Going down with the ship and all that mess. Not me.

Attention all hands.

The boat's sinking.

Brothers and sisters first.

I wonder what it's like to be white.

to get up. Now I expect to get up.

Get up.

Thelma, JJ didn't sleep too good last night. He's worried about that new

promotion they're giving out today because he thinks the white dude's going

get it. Oh, well, he sure is qualified. I hope he gets it.

Me too.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

If you keep your fingers crossed, you won't be able to eat Thelma's oatmeal.

Right.

JJ, if you don't get up now, you're going to miss my breakfast.

Now he'll never get up.

JJ, for once and for all, I said to get up.

Ebony Prince is now the Ivory Prince.

The

Ebony

Prince is now the Ivory Prince.

There's got to be an answer. Come on. Yeah, let's talk about this. There's got

to be an answer. We have got to figure it out. Hey, good morning, y 'all.

I don't know what we're going to say.

Good morning, y 'all.

Good morning.

Excuse me.

That won't do any good. They can't see or hear you.

Hey, who are you? Don't you recognize me?

I'm you.

You can't be me. I'm me.

Besides, you're white.

James Evans, Jr., this is your dream.

Remember the chili dog? Remember you wondered what it would be like to be

Oh, yeah.

So, you and me, white, huh?

JJ, what happened to you?

Maybe he's been eating too much white bread.

happen? And how?

Probably right after the ship sank.

J .J., if this is some kind of put -on, man, it's not funny.

You know, I think we better take him to the doctor, you know? Yeah. Tell her

this is one thing penicillin won't cure.

Man, what am I gonna tell my friends?

I know what to tell my friends.

I don't care if J .J. death looked like a vanilla ice cream cone.

I still love him. Aw.

Well, come on, let's sit down here, J .J. Yeah.

Let's figure this thing out.

I don't know what you're going to do.

Oh, JJ, why aren't you eating?

I made your favorite dish, oatmeal.

Sorry, but your oatmeal doesn't appeal to me.

Well, then what does?

I have a strange craving for Eggs Benedict and prune juice.

That proves it. He's white, all right.

Lonnie, you know this is going to be tough. Well, tough or not, we can deal

it. Now, whatever shade J .J. is, he's still a member of this family. Yeah, he

may be a part of the family, all right.

How are we going to explain this to Alec Haley?

Well, we're just telling him he got a root rock.

Who is it?

Me, Bookman.

Oh, it's that oaf of a custodian.

dream is this anyway? Mine.

Then keep your big mouth shut and watch how it turns out.

Oh, excuse me. I'd like to speak to a member of the Evans family, please.

Booger, what do you want?

That's Bookman, Miss Woods.

They don't call me Booger in front of company. What company?

The white dude over there. Hey, Bookman, that's J .J.

It can't be.

J .J. is skinny, black, and always has a silly look on his face. Well, check it

out, Booger.

Good Lord! Two out of three.

You can't fool Buffalo Bush.

It's me, Bookman.

J .J.

Yeah, but you're white.

Well, what can I say?

What can one say?

Hey, man, you can't even get that right.

No, one can say, there goes the neighborhood.

And as the Duke would say...

Well, you'd better be out by sundown, kid, because this ghetto ain't big

for the both of us. Ya -ha -ha.

Well, there's one good thing that's going to come out of all of this. What's

that, Malona? Now that J .J. is white, he will get that promotion for sure.

That's right, Malona. This is fabulous.

Fabulous? Fabulous.

Whatever happened to Dino Mike?

What's that?

What?

and I think you're going to miss your bus. Bus?

You must be jivvy.

That's jiving with one V.

That's jiving with one V.

I'm going to take a cab.

Oh, you're the last of the big spenders, huh?

Don't you know that taxis are very expensive?

It costs money to be white, Wilona. Well, I wouldn't know about that.

Well, I'm on my way.

J .J., good luck on the promotion.

Thanks, Wilona, but I shall cope.

I'm the Evans family's great white hope.

Oh, did you hear him?

I'm the Evans family's great white hope.

Man's in my dream going down to my office to get my promotion.

Good morning, Carmen.

Well, if it ain't Snow White.

Tell me, Snow, what did you do with Happy, Sleepy, and Dopey?

Carmen, I'm getting that promotion today. Why don't you come to the house

dinner tonight?

Guess who's coming to dinner? No, thanks. I saw that movie.

I don't comprehend, Carmen. Yesterday you were willing to go out with me.

Well, that was then and this is now.

Besides, you no longer have what it takes.

What it takes is...

What's that?

If you have to ask, baby, you ain't got it.

That's telling them, Carmen.

That's telling me.

Good morning, darling.

JJ?

What happened to good old donuts?

Donuts?

Surely you jest.

Why did I tell Veronica about this?

It's not going to work, J .J.

What's not going to work? Man, I expected you to do something sneaky to

job, but this is ridiculous.

You think I turned white on purpose? I wouldn't put it past you.

I think he's just mad because he's not having his dreams.

Raymond, look.

Some men are born white.

Some achieve whiteness.

And some have whiteness thrust upon them.

Well, since it's been thrust upon you, maybe you can tell me something. I'll

try. I've always been a little curious.

What's it like to be white, brother?

Well, you save a lot of time shaking hands.

Good morning, D .J. Good morning, B .G. I finished that paste up, sir. Why don't

we pour it down the drain and see if it gurgles?

All right, we'll do just that. Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't there something different about you?

Oh, I've got it. That's a new jacket.

Uh, yes, sir. Very handsome.

I see you've redecorated your face to go with it.

Do you like the jacket, Raymond?

Yeah, those are some bad threads.

Bad threads.

I love those expressions you people use.

You people!

You have such picturesque speech. Don't you agree, B .G.? Very colorful.

Colorful.

Uh, Mr.

Gilbreth just told a joke, Raymond. Why aren't you laughing, old boy?

Don't call me boy.

Sorry, I keep forgetting how sensitive you people are.

Sensitive? Hey, Raymond's my buddy. You're so touchy.

Uh, coffee, BG? All right.

Touchy? Look here, man.

I want out of this dream. I've had it with this dream up to here. Will you

quiet? We're about to get that promotion.

Hey, man, forget the promotion, man.

The ex -Benedict, the new clothes, the cab, it's costing me a fortune, man.

The classy black chick I wanted to go out with and now don't want to go out

me anymore.

Raymond, my buddy, is not my buddy anymore. I want to go back to being me.

J .J. Black, J .J. Evans.

Your coffee, sir.

Oh, thank you. I just want you to know, J .J., that we've been very pleased with

your work here.

Oh, thank you, sir.

And since I've just made up my mind who's going to be our new assistant art

director, I want you to be the first to know.

Tell him we don't want the job. I hope I get the job, sir. Ain't you got ears?

Well, there's no question that you have the ability for the job.

But Raymond has the ability, too.

True, but Raymond doesn't have that little something extra that I have.

But Raymond doesn't need it.

He's getting the promotion.

Raymond? Raymond?

I decided not to knuckle under anymore.

From now on, there's going to be real equal opportunity around here, so I'm

giving that job to a black.

And I'm also

sending Sam Ginsberg to be our man in Saudi Arabia.

But, uh, Mr. Galbraith, if you wanted a black, why didn't you say so?

I'm black.

Be a good sport, Jason. But you don't know what I brought you.

You think sex change is tough? Try color.

Now I've an equal opportunity to get out of a promotion.

Mr. Goldberg, I'll prove it to you. Put out your hands.

Only brothers know how to soul slap, man.

Hey, listen to this.

Foxy mama.

Say what?

None of that makes the man black, J .J.

Raymond, tell him I'm a brother.

You're not a brother anymore.

Now, if you don't believe that, just go look in the mirror.

Raymond, will you kindly step into my office so we can discuss your new

promotion? Raymond, tell Mom Black the mirror lies.

I'm Black, Raymond.

where you slept all night.

J .D., you must have been dreaming.

Let me see.

It's me.

I'm black.

I'm beautiful.

I'm black.

I'm black.

I'm beautiful.

Michael, guess what?

Yeah, yeah, man. I already know. You're black in your back.

Thelma, I'm glad you see me black. I had such a nightmare.

Well, the nightmare's not over because it's after 9 o 'clock.

Huh? After 9 o 'clock? I got to call the office. Thelma, you're not thinking

about making eggs, Benedict, and prune juice for breakfast, are you?

promotion away yet. No, because see, the Ebony JJ is on his way.

Huh? They did?

Who got it?

Okay.

See you later. Bye.

You didn't get the promotion, did you, JJ?

Aw, JJ, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

I just remember what Dad said.

Play with the uniform that you were issued.

Who got the job, a black or a white?

Another minority.

What other minority?

Veronica.

That's great. I didn't know a woman was up for the job, too.

Well, I would hate going through that dream in a dress.

Just looking out of the window Watching the asphalt grow

Thinking how it all looks and it dies Good times, good

times Keeping your head above water Making a wave when you

can Temporary layoffs Good times

Good times is videotaped in front of a studio audience.