Original subtitles

Good times, anytime you need a payment. Good times, anytime you need a bring.

Good times, anytime you're up and under.

Not getting hassled, not getting hustled.

Keeping your head up for water.

Making a way when you can.

Temporary layoffs. Good times, easy credit ripoffs.

Good times, scratching and surviving. Good times.

Paul, I do not go out on blind dates.

I know we've been out before, but in my book, you are still a blind date.

Why?

Because you are cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Nobody orders pizza with nothing on it.

Hey, wait a minute, and remember, you still owe me for that egg McMuffin.

Oh, yes, you do. Bye.

You know, Thelma, I thought it was cold outside until I walked in here and heard

you talking to that cat on the phone.

Michael, what happened to your coat?

Well, let's just say I donated it to someone less fortunate than me.

Michael, you gave away your good winter coat?

Not exactly, Thelma.

It got ripped off.

Um, who is this person less fortunate than you? The sucker who did the ripping

off.

Because when I catch up with him, not only will he be minus my coat, but I'm

going to kick out his two front teeth.

Yeah, I know, but Thelma, you know we can't afford it.

Look, what happened to all that money you made working at the school?

Well, some of it I used for lunches, and some of it I used to help buy Mom's

wedding present.

And the rest?

Spent it on Cindy Thompson.

Uh, well, you're gonna have to forget about that little Cindy Thompson for

Hey, now wait a minute, Thelma. I ain't got no winter coat now. I gotta keep

warm somehow.

Here's the mail.

an icicle.

If I blew it, I'll tear my handkerchief.

I think the three of us better have a meeting so we can get together and

our finances.

Finances?

We don't have any, Thelma.

Meeting adjourned.

Yeah, Thelma, don't get all uptight.

I mean, if you need some money, I'll just write out a check.

JJ, we don't have any money in the bank.

I never bothered Burt Lance.

one of them computer watches.

Look here, Michael.

This watch tells the day, the minute, the second, and even adds, multiplies,

divides, and subtracts.

I got one of them double readouts here.

JJ, Michael's coat got ripped off today, and he needs a new one. These bill

collectors are down our backs, and you're going to waste your money on

Thelma, I'm the only one at the advertising office without a watch.

Every time the boss asks what time it is, everybody else looks on their wrist.

Me, I got to go downstairs, 22 flights on that one.

Go around the corner, stand in front of the bank, wait for the temperature to

finish, Fahrenheit and Celsius.

Go back upstairs, 22 flights, sit down at my desk, tell the boss it's 1110, and

the boss say, wrong, it's 1130.

That's wonderful.

My coach said I did a perfect figure eight. Oh, good. Oh, yeah?

One day I'll show you how to skate it the hard way.

Two fours.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, LeVar. Come on, give me some sugar.

Was she a good girl today?

Uh -huh, guess what?

I got a guess what, too.

Me first.

Go ahead. I won this for figure skating, junior division.

Oh, I like your guess what.

And just for that, I'm going to buy you a brand -new ice -caking outfit, and I'm

going to pay for it with my guess what.

What happened, Walona?

Honey, I got me a bonus.

Dig this.

Walona Woods, Sherlock Holmes' younger, darker sister, caught herself a

professional shoplifter today.

Was it dangerous, Walona? Honey, it happened so fast, I couldn't even think.

know, I was leaving the boutique section on the way to the break, and suddenly

this pregnant woman ran out the store, and I got suspicious.

Well, Lorna, what's so suspicious about a pregnant woman?

Honey, the chick was 83 years old.

So I notified the store detectives, and they went outside.

And, honey, before you could say Kojak, that woman gave birth to a seven -pound

alligator purse.

Oh, that ain't funny, though. You know, shoplifting has become an epidemic in

this country. Yeah, and who ends up paying for it? We do, through higher

Honey, but check out who they catching.

Doctors? businessmen, and children from wealthy families. You just name it.

Well, Lana, they can't help it. They're kleptomaniacs.

Well, they've been helping themselves to plenty, and they're called grab -o

-maniacs.

Like the one who stole your coat today, Michael.

Oh, Graham, Sonny, that's cold.

Yeah, I was, too.

Hey, now, listen. I know you're not going to believe me, but the department

store I work in, we have our own live -in shoplift.

Yes, I'm telling you the truth. His name is Lenny the Looter.

And every Christmas, Lenny sends all the employees Christmas cards he ripped off

during Thanksgiving.

Ain't that cool?

Yeah. Come on. How much of a bonus did you get? Honey, $50.

Whoa. $50.

And that ain't all. Mr. Rogers, head of security, offered me a job as a store

detective. Oh, boy. Well, load him the first.

You didn't accept the one on it, did you? Oh, no, but I sure thought about it

long time.

It would mean a big raise, and I sure could use the money.

I don't see anything wrong with trying to protect the store's merchandise.

Honey, I'm all for that. But they wanted me to sit behind a two -way mirror in

the dressing room and do a little observing.

What kind of observing, Malona? Well, sit there and watch people trying on

clothes. They couldn't see me now. And make sure they don't rip nothing off

the store.

Malona, that's an invasion of privacy.

Yeah, they call it protection, but I call it dirty poo.

That is why I told them there are two things Malona don't do. I don't do

windows, and honey, I don't spy.

be looking at me get undressed. They better have a good reason for that. And

strong stomach.

JJ, we got to get together and see what we can do by getting Gramps a coat. Now,

I got that $50.

That's all right. We don't need your money. It's okay. You don't have to take

your money. Hold it, honey.

Now, listen. There ain't no way in this world I'm going to let Gramps go out

there in this cold weather without a winter coat.

Well, Ona, we just can't take your money. I mean, if it means working

job in 24 hours a day, I...

I guess Thelma and Michael are just going to have to do it.

That's money my piggy bank can have.

Money in your piggy bank. Money in your piggy bank. How much you got?

That was sweet, baby. Come on.

J .D., would you mind going down to the store for me? I'm going to make a

special spaghetti tonight. And I forgot one thing.

The spaghetti.

Look here, Thelma. That's like asking a condemned man to go get his own rope.

Thelma, I'm going up to Cindy Thompson's apartment.

Oh, come on. He's going up there again.

Just keep him warm, Thelma. Just keep him warm.

Thelma, go on. I'll put the water for you. Okay, thank you, Alona. Okie dokie.

Oh, Alona, don't forget to take the meatballs out the refrigerator.

In the refrigerator?

The child got the meatballs in the freezer.

And they say I can't cook.

Alona. Huh? How come Michael has to go up to Cindy's to keep warm?

Because you'll find out when you get older.

Oh, then it has something to do with sex, huh?

Now, why would you say that?

Well, anything I have to wait to find out until I'm older either has to do

the world situation or sex.

And knowing Cindy Thompson, I don't think it's the world situation.

You get over there and set that table.

Honey, I'm so proud of you winning that skating trophy.

I wish I was there to see you. I bet you were terrific.

Terrific? Uh -huh. I was. Turn on mine.

Mr.

Davis said he wouldn't be surprised if they picked me for the Olympics someday.

Olympics? Are you serious? Mr. Davis said what I need now is to take lessons

from another coach, a top pro, one who's trained other Olympic champions.

Hey, hey, nothing but the best in my opinion. We'll get you one.

Mr. Davis said these lessons would cost money. Uh -huh.

Our lesson is about $10, and I'll need two a week.

Two a week? Uh -huh.

Whew. You did say two a week?

Well, uh, that's not too bad. It's only $80 a month.

And Mr. Davidson... No, never mind what Mr. Davidson said, honey.

Now, listen.

How do you really feel about him?

I love to skate. I wish I could spend half of the day on ice and the other

with you.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Well, not on the money I make, honey.

But you sure love that ice skating, don't you?

More than anything, Mama.

What'd you say?

More than anything.

I mean that last word.

Mama?

Mama.

That sounds so good, I had to hear you say it

twice.

Now, you know what you do? You tell Mr. Davis that your mama said he can arrange

for those lessons.

But we can't afford it, can we?

Now, don't you worry about nothing. Just take this gold cup here and go home and

put it on our trophy shelf.

What trophy shelf?

The one we starting right now.

Mr.

Rogers in security, please.

Well, Lorna Woods, about that job you offered me, you know, the one observing

that I turned down?

Well, I changed my mind, honey.

I now do windows and peek through them, too.

Welcome aboard, Woods.

Thank you, Mr. Rogers.

Tell me, Woods, what prompted you to change your mind and join us here on the

security team?

Well, being a woman, I said, well, Lorna, that job is definitely not for

Huh? But being the mother of a child who needs lessons I can't afford, I said,

don't listen to that woman, honey. Take the job.

You made a wise decision, Woods.

According to the dossier I have on you here... You have a file on me?

On everyone.

It says here you're alert, observant, loyal, trustworthy.

Uh -huh. And in the employee's restroom.

When I wash my hands, I never use two paper towels and one will do.

You can put that in your dossier.

It's already in there.

I think you'll be wanting to know a little bit more about the job that

doing, preventing...

Inventory shrinkage. I beg your pardon?

Shoplifting. Gotta be on your toes, Woods. On your toes.

You see, there's no outstanding characteristic that identifies a

Hold up. They come in all different shapes and sizes.

Like Lute and Lenny.

Lute and Lenny.

You get a Christmas card, too?

Every year.

I wouldn't want this to get around, Woods, but in a strange sort of way,

like Lenny.

He's loyal.

Gives us all his business.

Johnson, will you step in here, please?

Johnson will be your supervisor.

You just report right to her.

Johnson, meet Woods, newest member of our security team.

Woods, Johnson, how are you?

I want you to show her all the rocks. Certainly, Mr. Rogers, if you'll come

me. Hold it, Woods.

Don't forget our motto.

Motto? Yeah.

When they snatch them, we catch them.

I'm on my lunch break. Where's Miguel?

He's in the bedroom.

Well, check this out.

JJ,

you got Michael a coat.

How'd you do it?

Well, I calculated in my head what I couldn't calculate in my watch. I came

to the conclusion that my little brother was more important in the correct time.

So I took the watch back and got him the coat.

Oh, JJ, I'm so proud of you.

luck ready yet, gal. Not yet.

Mr. Miguel!

Guess what JJ did for you.

Hey, JJ.

Man, you took back your watch.

I appreciate it, man. You know you're the best big brother there is.

JJ, I'm making a challenge for me and Michael. You want one?

That one, just a minute ago, I was a hero.

Now you're trying to bury me next to the unknown soldier.

I get it.

What's up, Bookman?

Thank you.

I just want you folks to know if you hear any suspicious noises, Coming from

Mrs. Wood's apartment, it's only me.

What kind of noises? I'm fixing a shower.

That's suspicious, all right.

Hey, I resent that.

For one thing, I'm a very conscientious worker.

Number two, Nathan Bookman takes very good care of his tenants.

And besides, Mrs. Wood slipped me five.

Lona's been going crazy since she got that bonus.

I don't know nothing about a bonus. All I know is she told me she had a new job.

What new job?

Oh, Lona must have taken that position with security.

You mean watching women undress?

That's awful. That's terrible.

But if she ever missed a day, I'd be glad to take her place.

Hey, what's this about watching women get undressed?

I wonder why Rolona did it. She was so against it last night.

Yeah, well, you know, I talked to my political science teacher, and he said

he thinks it's a violation of the Fourth Amendment, the right for people to be

secure in their own persons.

Yeah, but what about watching women get undressed?

Listen, will you calm down?

Anyway, you know some security guards are not even policemen. They can arrest

you without even reading you your rights. And some of them can hold you

long as they want before they call the cops.

Yeah, but I want to know about watching women get arrested.

I'm going to shame on you.

Unless you fix that shower and get on out of here, I'm going to tell Miss

Buffalo butt on you.

I wonder why Walona took that job.

Yeah, she probably really needs the money.

And I know why.

You know, Walona knows I don't have a winter coat.

Oh, yeah, Michael. And you know how she feels about you. Yeah. I guess one of us

ought to go down to the store and tell her she doesn't have to do it.

Well, I can't do that because I have an exam this afternoon.

Yeah, JJ, and I got a basketball game.

Well, I don't like the way this election was rigged, but I'll do it myself.

A great personal sacrifice.

I won't eat Thelma's lunch.

I'm just checking.

She can't see us.

Now, if you observe anybody sticking an extra bra in their bra or in any way

confiscating merchandise, you are to call me immediately on that hotline.

Honey, you ain't going to make it even with a shoehorn.

She's going to come out the back.

Well, I have to leave you now.

Good luck, Woods.

Damn.

Sorry, young man, but you can't see her.

Miss Woods is on assignment. She won't be available for about an hour.

An hour? But I'm on my lunch break. I've got to be back to work by then.

I'm sorry, lad, but you don't seem to understand.

Rules are rules. I run a tight ship here.

So did the captain of the Titanic.

at wedding, graduation, or bar mitzvah.

Then he won't let you wear it unless it fits you.

And no extra charge for the gift wrapping.

Uh, look here, bro, I'm a little busy right now. You got a business card?

Look here, blood, I don't have any just now, but I'll be passing the stationery

store on my afternoon run.

I'll send you one.

You called me? What is it, what?

Miss Johnson, I've been sitting here for three hours watching people dress and

undress and...

I don't think I can hack it.

Just first day jitters, Woods. We all go through it. Couple days, it won't even

bother you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Why don't you break and get a breath of fresh air?

Fresh air, that's just what I need.

Don't you recognize me?

I'm Pam Grip.

Am I glad you weren't here, Woods.

What happened?

Some skinny pervert dressed in women's clothing was banging on the mirror and

yelling all kinds of weird things.

In a place like this, that doesn't surprise me.

That was the fresh air.

Well, it cleared my head, got me to thinking.

I got to thinking about all the people that were parading in front of me.

What do you mean?

Like the college student that came in this morning to try on a skirt and had

torn underwear.

She probably dressed in a hurry, thought that was her secret.

Now, what right did I have to watch her?

It's a door policy. And then there was a nun that came in here to try on a slip.

Now, what she had under her habit was a private affair between her and God.

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away?

Well, not far enough.

How about the skinny lady with the falsies?

Now, if our hairdresser doesn't know for sure, why should I?

Woods, your job is to catch shoplifters. That is just the point I'm trying to

make. Not one of those ladies was shoplifters, and neither am I.

I'll put myself on the other side of that mirror.

I don't have on underwear that's torn, and I don't wear falsies. And if I did,

that would be my business.

Now, when I go home to undress, I pull down the shade because I don't want

nobody watching me there. And I don't want nobody watching me here.

Woods.

Johnson, how would you like it if somebody was watching you?

Woods, I am going to pretend that I did not hear any of that. Now, you sit down

there. and you do the job that you are being paid for.

This is the pit.

But turning away ain't gonna solve nothing, ain't gonna... Hey, hey, hey!

That's job lifting!

Miss Jones!

Hey,

hey, you're the one...

woman that was trying to steal the blouses.

Wait, you mean you were watching me?

On the closed circuit TV.

Ain't that a blip?

The watch is being watched.

Can't trust anybody if you just demonstrated.

Why did you let her go?

Let's say I just couldn't help myself.

Because you see, this spy business makes me sick. I don't get it, Woods.

I understand you took this job because you needed extra money for lessons for

your little girl.

You realize what you've done means you're fired.

I realize my daughter's lessons will have to wait because I couldn't look at

myself in a one -way mirror. And what I did, honey, you can't fire me because I

quit.

I knew you weren't security material.

All right now, ladies. Mr. Rogers, it is a lady's dressing room. Oh, my

goodness.

Mr.

Rogers, I'm sorry, but I've had to fire Woods.

I do the hiring and firing around here, Johnson. You asked me to keep an eye on

her. Yeah, well, I've been keeping my eye on you.

I think I'm beginning to get some idea why we can't keep any people in security

anymore.

You had me under observation, Mr. Rodney?

Oh,

how do you like that?

The watches of the watches are being watched.

Why don't you ladies step into my office and we'll talk this out. This is the

vice president of personnel speaking.

Will all you people please come to my office?

Just looking out of the window, watching the asphalt grow,

thinking how it all looks and we die.

times as videotape in front of a studio audience.