Original subtitles

Joan, 25 restaurants open in L .A. County every month. We need to do

extra.

I'm serving Nouvelle Tapas in an elegant decor accented by a water feature with

stemware inspired by the color palette of old Madrid. If that is not extra,

I don't know what is.

You're right, Joan. You don't know what is.

The only thing people in this town care about is celebrities.

You're the publicist, so get me some celebrities.

Darling, they don't just roll out of bed for tapas.

You have to send a gift basket. You have to send a car. You have to woo them.

Shandana, I'm paying you the entirety of my publicity budget. So if you need

gift baskets and town cars, that needs to come out of your ass.

Honey, on what you pay me, I can only get a Happy Meal and a Metro Pass.

Then wrap that up in a bow and send it to Tom Hanks.

Nobody I'm going to offend with your little bit of money.

Come on.

You must have some celebrity friends or someone who owes you a favor or someone

you don't like very much.

You know, I've been going through the publicity budget, and I figured out a

to free up a big chunk of money.

Oh, great.

How? I quit.

wouldn't want to be you.

This movie sucks.

I thought you said it got three and a half stars.

Yeah, USA Today gave it one, LA Times gave it one, the Boston Globe gave it a

half.

Well, I'm gonna kill you. We should be ashamed.

We should be helping John instead of sitting up in here watching Mariah

latest dramatic effort.

Especially when it's supposed to be a comedy.

Y 'all ain't giving her a chance. For real.

You're right. We should go back and help Joan.

Well, that's what I would do if I didn't have to pick up Jabari after this

movie.

I got a pregnancy massage.

The ice cream truck comes at three.

Anybody have a quarter? They went up on the bomb pops.

Well, at least we sent her that big flower arrangement from the three of us.

From the two of us, Debbie. Stop trying to put your name on it.

Well, then I'll get her something she really needs.

Like what?

What can you afford?

Joan needs a celebrity, and you know I have contact.

And you also have restraining orders.

You just won't start with those people.

You know, I hang to a minute, but the Debbie's got a good idea.

Yeah, it is a good idea. We should do that.

Oh, okay, hold up. I can't put my name on your card, but you could jump on my

idea. How about do you want that bomb pop?

Welcome aboard our idea.

So should we go and get that celebrity?

Mm -hmm, yeah.

First thing tomorrow. We've done enough for today.

Joan wanted to liberate people from the conventions of a traditional restaurant.

You know, inspire conversation.

Introduce a sense of community into this L .A. self -absorbed mindset.

Huh?

I didn't get it either, but it's in the press release.

Hello?

Hey, Joan, it's me.

Hey, William.

Oh, hi.

Joan, this is Caroline.

Joan, I've heard so much about you.

I never mentioned Caroline.

Why haven't you?

Would have prevented this very awkward moment.

So, does anyone know anything about toilets?

Said in a few. Why, what's going on?

Well, I can't get the plumbers to come down here and bolt down the toilet, so I

was trying to do it myself.

With a hammer?

Is that wrong?

I better go take a look. I'll be right back.

Thanks. It was really nice to meet you. You too.

So, which one of these Johns isn't worth Jack?

Oh, this one right here to the left.

So, Caroline,

huh? Yeah.

She seems great.

Oh, yeah.

She's a great girl. We have lots of laughs. Good for you. My laughs are

important.

That's great.

Hey, Joan.

Huh? You don't have a problem with me.

Caroline, do you?

No. No. Okay.

Because I was thinking about bringing her to the opening.

Oh, that'd be fine.

Bring her.

I'll provide the food. She'll provide the laughs.

It'll be fun.

You know the Jake spot. It's all about food, folks, and fun.

You better let me take a look at this toilet.

It's going to be about food, folks, and fun.

Unemploy Joan.

At least those Joan cook for us.

Hey, have you guys met William's new girlfriend?

No, but I'd be happy to if she's cooking dinner.

At least William's Joan cook for us.

I don't even know he had a girlfriend.

He brought a woman into the restaurant today and they seemed really happy.

Ah, hell, here comes the real.

She didn't cook because her man has moved on. Jilted Joan never cooks.

Guys, I'm not depressed. I'm actually relieved.

This is a good thing.

I mean, now that William has a girlfriend, things can get back to the

were. I don't have to feel awkward anymore. And finally, we can get back to

being friends.

So you're really okay about this?

Yes. I'm happy.

Hot damn.

Because happy Joan makes brownies.

Okay.

So, which one of you is going to go up there and ring the doorbell and give the

invitation to Monique?

You do it. You said you knew her.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You said you come over here all the time to go swimming.

I said I know where Monique lives, and I know how to get into her pool.

I never met the woman of my life.

Matter of fact, one of you has got to go up there because she might recognize me

from the security video.

Okay, so wait a minute. We're supposed to walk up to Monique's house, give her

some crazy -ass invitation, and expect her to go to Jones' opening?

That's all I got. What's your guess?

You know what? I've given this woman five years of my life watching the

She can sit it out. eating some damn tacos.

Hell, that would convince me. Go on up there and close the deal, Maya.

I'm not going up there by myself.

Fine, I'll go with you. The girl is the queen of comedy. I might be able to sell

her a castle in the Palisades for a cool 8 .5.

Don't look at me. I'll see what happened to my castle folder.

night at the Apollo.

Don't make me call the police.

The police?

The police? Come on, don't do it like that in a sneak.

Okay, girl, we the people.

Oh, yeah.

Because I've been watching y 'all on my security camera up in my driveway with

that trespassing street rat who swims in my pool.

Now, y 'all got ten seconds before I call the Pope. No, no.

I'll be telling some cookies or something in. Come with some treats or

Well, you need to go out and do something that doesn't have anything to

your restaurant.

Or any restaurant.

You need to go out and do something that's wild, impetuous, and fun.

Okay.

What should we do?

Oh, I'm sorry, Joan. Caroline and I already have plans.

Oh, of course you do.

And you have fun.

Hey, call your girls.

I'm sure they're not doing anything.

We found your dog wandering around the street, and, well, we brought him back

you. Give me my baby. Give me my dog.

You're welcome.

You skinny bitches can work a nerve, but good thing I can work a panty button.

Wait, Mama.

Before you call the pom -pom, hear us out.

What is it that you want, baby?

You want me to read a script or speak at your church function?

You want me to be God -mommy to your baby?

Because I've heard it all, done it all, and made a truckload of money doing it

all. But, damn it, I'm tired.

Now, I just want to sit down and rest, okay?

So please, leave me the hell alone and get off my property.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Our friend is opening up a restaurant.

Block on, girl.

No, girl.

You have to eat sometime, right?

Why not do it at a hot new restaurant?

Help a sister out.

You got five seconds, sister, before I go Baltimore on you.

So cliche, so desperate, so done.

Mm -hmm.

I mean, and you know they don't pay for anything.

Guys, I know what you're trying to do.

And it's very sweet, but I hired my publicist back.

And she is, in fact, bringing me a celebrity.

Woo! Girl, that's good. There's only a restaurant opening in this town. I know

what else I'm going to do. Should be told. I was about to be a little

embarrassed for you.

Oh, my God.

Here's William and his new girlfriend. Aren't they cute together?

Looks like our J -spot is a rip -roaring success.

Yeah, oh, I want you to see outside.

I want you to see the fire pit while it's lit.

Oh, so they fixed the gas leak.

Oh, yeah.

So far, so good.

Oh, Caroline, I'm so glad that you could make it. Oh, thanks for inviting me.

Of course I didn't invite William's new girlfriend.

Oh, we're not dating.

Yeah, we're just friends.

What made you think that we were a couple?

That we were in?

You wanted to hang out, and you said you had a date.

No, I didn't. I said I had plans.

In fact, we were rehearsing a little song and dance for you. To celebrate the

opening of the J -Spot.

Oh. Joan used to be a lawyer.

But now she's not.

Opened up a restaurant.

It's called the J -Spot. She'll be serving small plates.

Cocktails and whatnot.

Welcome to her restaurant.

It's called the J -Spot.

I forgot to tell the chef something. I'll be back.

I knew we should have done it to the tune of Me So Horny.

Oh, excuse me. Can I get some salt, please?

Can I get a towel?

You can't be in here pouting on your opening.

Girl, you need to be out there celebrating. Worry about that man later.

Why can't I celebrate when I'm miserable?

Okay, well, I'm always getting sucked into skinny bitches' drama.

Why? Now, the other day, three skinny bitches shot up in my door and stole my

dog. That is terrible.

It's almost like losing your best friend. No, no, sugar, don't touch

me. Let me go find this man. This is a damn shame.

Not him.

Okay, well, he is kind of cute. You know, maybe y 'all can work something

I want my friend.

Well, uh, I hate to let a good man go to waste, okay? Now, why don't you wait

for me over at the bar here and get me some of those bougie hot pockets, okay?

I love you.

What? You didn't want to?

This is great.

I've always thought of myself as a professor type.

Wouldn't have taken me five years to get with you, though.

Listen, I didn't bring you in here to run game on me, okay?

Talk to her.

I got a man at the bar waiting to pop my weasel, baby. Pow!

Joe, what's wrong?

Why are you crying?

Because I lost my friend.

Which one of them was it?

Tony Meyer... because I can make a case why neither one of them is much of a

friend. Or much of a loss.

I meant you, William.

What are you talking about? We're still friends. No, we're not.

Not really. I mean, I know I was weird after we broke up, but you can't pop

the weasel all willy -nilly with some woman that you just met.

That was ours, William.

Well, Joan, I tried to be friends with you, but you kept pushing me away,

remember?

I wanted to play Simon Says, and you wouldn't say?

I just needed some time.

Joan, look at me.

We're going to get through this.

Caroline's just a... Just a rebound friend?

No, she's a great girl. We're going to be friends for life.

But that shouldn't take away from you and me.

There's always going to be William and Joan.

All right.

You know you're gorgeous.

That was close.

How long do you think we should stay in here? Until the place closes.

I'm not taking any chances with Miss Momo.

I knew you dog -stealing skinny bitches was in here.

Oh, God. Help me up.