Original subtitles

So, ladies, this year, I was thinking tree trimming three days before

at my house, wrapping gifts two days before Christmas at my house, Christmas

Eve, my house, Christmas Day, my house, and, oh, what the hell, New Year's Eve,

my house.

Okay, well, what are we going to do at my house?

Reminisce about all the fun things we did at my house?

Do we always do Christmas at your house, Joan? I want it at my house.

Good luck with that.

Well, I'll go anywhere because nobody wants me except for Todd's divorce

attorney. And he thinks I'm in Somalia helping the children.

Oh, wait. Is it West Virginia helping the minors? Anyway, the point is I'm

somewhere helping somebody.

Hey. Hi, Lynn.

I'm so glad you're here. We are officially planning Christmas.

Bah humbug.

I've been scrooged by the gay men's choir.

What happened?

They kicked me out right in the middle of the holiday court.

Probably because you're not gay or a man.

I wasn't in the choir.

I was in the audience.

I mean, if it's not a sing -along, they need to tell a sister.

Especially before my solo.

until Christmas morning, and this place is not, and I repeat, not shimmering

like the North Pole.

Oh, there's another batch of everyone's favorite Christmas cookies.

Saffronous. Tony, can you go get those out of the oven? Oh, girl, I already got

them out of the oven. Where are they? Cooling in the trash.

Maya, stop in the name of all that is Holly.

What? What? You are using my $10 high -gloss special shimmer paper to wrap up

some Toys for Tots.

you better wrap those in some funny pages and call it a day.

Oh, goodness.

I just love Christmas.

It just makes me want to sing.

So I guess I will.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la -la. Maya! Let's

all take Joan where she's jolly. Tony!

Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la -la.

You guys are not very happy, Elle.

Why'd you have to bring up Elle?

You know it makes me think of Todd, which makes... me think of killing him,

would you just send me to jail? And that would just ruin Christmas, Joe.

I have to admit, I'm not much in the Christmas spirit.

You know, with Jabari at Disney World, with Darnell and that heffa -ho Lena.

My language, it's Christmas. Oh, girl, my bad. I'm sorry. That heffa -ho, ho

-ho.

All right, this is the worst Christmas ever.

job at the Beverly Center as one of Santa's reindeer and I got fired. Why?

Apparently they didn't like it when Prancer ran off with Santa to visit his

North Pole.

You had an affair with Santa?

Well, you know, I've always been a bit of a chubby chaser.

Okay, that's enough, you guys. Big picture, it's Christmas.

And we are all here together like we've always been.

Come on.

It's tradition.

You know, like our own little family.

Can't we just celebrate that?

You know, and let the spirit of Christmas fill our hearts.

Pack your bags, baby.

I'm taking you to Puerto Rico for Christmas.

Puerto Rico!

Feliz Navidad. You bitches are on your own.

is coming down hard out there.

I hope we don't get stuck here.

I mean, this is Cincinnati.

Isn't this where the police shoot black people?

Don't worry.

Cincinnati International is a hub.

They never close hubs.

Plus, my special vacation is not going to be ruined.

I've got too much riding on this.

What have you got riding?

Me, you, Azure skies.

A five -star resort with rose petals on the bed.

Oh.

So you think I'm going to give you some?

No, I don't think that.

Well, if you did, that would be a great Christmas present.

William, come on.

We agreed to wait for three months.

You know what they say.

A restful day in the tropics equals a month of vacation.

So I figure with the month we already got in the bank, We should be reaching

three months by sundown day two.

I thought you were different from other men.

I'm not that different.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we should just go back to L .A. because obviously

is too early in our relationship for this kind of trip.

Hey, I spent $1 ,600 a night on a room that's non -refundable. Oh, so could you

put out some money I'm supposed to put out the booty?

I'm getting more for less.

I am not your whore.

Thank you for announcing that to all of Cincinnati.

Joe, this is not the reason why I wanted you to come on this trip.

I would never want you to do anything that you didn't want to do.

I love you.

And the look on your face when I told you about the trip is enough for me.

You in my arms.

Warm tropical beach. It's just torture if we don't do anything.

We can go to third base.

Hot damn, I'll take it.

Let me get this party started.

Excuse me, my good man.

We've got a reservation tonight with a Mai Tai and a hot tub. So, where's our

plane? Stuck at the end of the runway.

You can't see it because of the blizzard.

Blizzard?

That's not going to keep us from taking off, will it? Yes, sir, it will.

Indefinitely.

I'd like to stay and talk, but the last time we shut down...

They broke my arm.

Hey, Joan.

What are your thoughts about going to third in front of a whole bunch of folk?

It was the night before Christmas.

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring.

Except Lynn, a hard -drinking mouse.

What are you doing here?

Okay, a house full of food, liquor, clean sheets, and TiVos. Got Lynn, come

in, written all over.

What are you doing here?

My cleaning lady's in El Salvador for Christmas. My house is a mess, and me

my baby are hungry.

Okay.

What the hell?

Maya, what are you doing here?

Finally using some of Joan's fancy bathroom Christmas towels without her

breathing down my neck.

Joan doesn't have any fish money.

I'll be hot damn. Well, as long as I'm here, I'm out of my presents.

You guys, we should be ashamed taking advantage of Joan's house.

Let's get real. We are all here because we can finally enjoy Christmas without

Jingle Joan, the holiday cuckoo.

I heard that. This is the first year I haven't broken out in Christmas hives.

I love my girl, but damn, I'm glad she's gone.

After our presents, now Maya, make like Santa, start passing out the goods.

Okay, great. Oh, no, no, no, no, you guys. We know Joan's rule. We can't open

our gifts until Christmas Day.

I'm sorry, girls. That was the gin talking. Passing my gifts.

I want to see this.

Oh, wait.

What is it?

A sock?

Why the hell did she give me one sock?

Because she gave me the other one.

I know she got me something good.

What the hell?

All right, look, look, look. There's a note. There's a note.

On winter days when you roam and mosey, this will keep your cell phone cozy.

A cell phone holder.

You know what? If there isn't a diamond -crested cell phone in here, it's on.

That cozy -making heifer's going down.

I'm yanking down all the lights off her house and burning her nativity scene.

What? Too far?

No, not far enough. How many carols have we been forced to sing?

How many trees have we been forced to trim?

How many feathers have we been forced to noose? You're right.

Let's burn her house down.

You know, we'll show her.

Torturing us every holiday.

And giving us these cheap -ass gifts while she's sunning her ass down to some

swanky beach resort.

This place will burn real nice.

William, hurry up.

It's freezing out here.

I'm trying. I think the lock is frozen.

Can't we just go someplace else?

No, we can't. This is it. We're lucky to have found this.

I don't feel very lucky. It looks kind of seedy.

The sign said AA approved.

William, it's supposed to be AAA approved.

AA is alcohol. Oh, it's anonymous.

Look, it's got a roof.

It's good enough to get us through the night, okay?

What about our luggage?

The manager was nice enough to give us a toothbrush.

To share?

Once we get inside, you'll feel warmer. You'll feel a whole lot better. I

promise you.

Oh, sorry, wrong room.

Liam!

Joan?

What happened?

When I left here, you were pretty.

Liam, I was trying to clean out our shower with our toothbrush, and my hair

wet, and then I scratched my cornea on one of those stupid sandpaper towels.

What happened to your face?

Let's just say I discovered how fierce a possum can be when you corner him.

What? Where'd you corner a possum? In the ice machine.

Ironically, it's the warmest place in this hellhole.

William, we're good people.

Why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to us on our first Christmas

together? Oh, Joan, try and relax.

Just think of Mary and Joseph 2 ,000 years ago trying to rough it in that

stable.

It's probably because they turned this place down.

This place isn't so bad.

What?

Some kindly people have erected a cross in the field across the street.

Scratch that. They just lit it on fire.

That's it, William.

We have to go. Please, please, please. Let's just go back to the airport.

Who are you telling? I'm a black man. You better try and keep up with me.

those sheets and follow me.

That's the last of her Christmas bras.

I didn't even know they made holiday underwear for people over the age of

Sure they do. Haven't you ever seen my Fourth of July G -string or my Bondage

Day bustier?

Lynn, Bondage Day is not a holiday.

Not yet, but I got three congressmen all whipped up about it.

Oh, oh, guys. Guys, listen to this.

He hovered and shimmered and then flew away.

I felt humbled to be in his presence.

Okay, I love Joan dearly, but she has got to be the most boring person on the

face of this earth.

I've gone through every one of these journals and this hummingbird crap

to be the high point of her life.

I don't know, girl. Have you read her 10 -page ode to turkey bacon?

You know, maybe this is why Joan's our friend. Because her life is so hideously

dull. She has to live vicariously through life.

Oh, hell.

That makes me kind of sad.

Toss me a Fafnus.

I like the way they pop when I throw them in the fire.

You know, and what is her thing with the Fafnus?

Why can't this crazy broad just make a regular Christmas cookie like everybody

else?

Because don't you get it, guys?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at this.

Guys, Joan's Christmas memory book.

Gosh, it's a whole journal devoted to Christmas.

Let me see that.

Oh, my goodness.

Christmas thoughts, Christmas dreams, Christmas wishes.

I'll be Christmas sick.

Somebody needs to call the New England Journal of Medicine. They need to write

this OCD bitch up. Uh -oh, there's my name.

What's your name doing in there?

I'm her best friend. I should be in there. Give me that.

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

Okay, here I am.

This is the first Christmas, Lynn.

Tony. And I have spent with my and her family.

What a blessing to experience the magic of the holidays through the eyes of her

little boy.

Maybe it's because I'm a child of divorce.

Or maybe it's because my mom always wanted to travel at Christmas instead of

staying home.

Whatever the reason, Christmas always made me a little sad.

Until I spent it with my girls.

With Tony, Maya, and Lynn, I finally understand what it means to share the

of giving with people I truly love.

Wow.

My God.

You know what this means, right?

John's not crazy because of Christmas.

That child's crazy because of us.

Anybody know how to make pepper news?

I guess I'll go wash, fluff, and fold her Christmas panties as soon as I get

them off the neighbor's lawn.

I'll go, uh, string her lights back up and get Santa out of the bushes right

after I stomp out a couple of slow -burning fires.

William, get it! Kill it! It's over there! It's over there!

No, it could be anywhere.

I'm sure it's just a water bug.

Can we just get some sleep?

I don't think I can sleep on that bed.

What? This is a perfectly fine bed.

Once you take the spread off.

I'm exhausted.

Oh.

Oh.

Come on.

See?

I'm lying here.

Nothing's itching.

Nothing's biting. It's... It's actually all right.

A faint smell of rain mixed with funk, but it's... I'm quite comfortable.

I'm staying up here.

Okay.

I need to get some sleep.

Unless, of course, you want to go to third up on that dress.

William, would you get your mind out of the gutter? How can I? We're staying in

the gutter.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

I suppose it's mine.

Damn, Skippy, it's yours. This whole stupid trip was your idea.

Well, look, I'll be your mattress and you can lay on me.

See?

Just like this.

Come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

I guess I can try it.

I'm not touching that thing.

Ready? Yeah.

This is very gallant of you, William.

I called you a hub.

It's all right.

We all say things we don't mean or understand.

Just try and relax.

This isn't so bad.

I told you.

Hey, what do you think about going to third?

William, you've got to be kidding.

I am. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Just lying here would probably get an STD.

I feel like you're kidding.

Joan,

I don't know what you're feeling, but I'm not doing anything.

Oh, my God! It's a rat!

It's a rat!

It's a rat!

What's in his mouth?

It's always pepper news.

William, that's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Joan, I can honestly say this is the worst trip I've ever taken.

Come on.

You know, there's nobody I'd rather be going through this with than you.

Oh.

William, at least we get to spend Christmas together.

Yeah.

Right across the street from the Klan family Christmas.

Hey, guys.

Okay, I got all of our panties except the ones the neighbor's son is wearing.

Don't ask, don't tell.

It's mine. It's mine, guys.

William a rat.

But she got her pepper news eating, so I guess they're having a good time.