All language subtitles for Girlfriends s05e11 All the Creatures Were Stirring

So, ladies, this year, I was thinking
tree trimming three days before

at my house, wrapping gifts two days
before Christmas at my house, Christmas

Eve, my house, Christmas Day, my house,
and, oh, what the hell, New Year's Eve,

my house.

Okay, well, what are we going to do at
my house?

Reminisce about all the fun things we
did at my house?

Do we always do Christmas at your house,
Joan? I want it at my house.

Good luck with that.

Well, I'll go anywhere because nobody
wants me except for Todd's divorce

attorney. And he thinks I'm in Somalia
helping the children.

Oh, wait. Is it West Virginia helping
the minors? Anyway, the point is I'm

somewhere helping somebody.

Hey. Hi, Lynn.

I'm so glad you're here. We are
officially planning Christmas.

Bah humbug.

I've been scrooged by the gay men's
choir.

What happened?

They kicked me out right in the middle
of the holiday court.

Probably because you're not gay or a
man.

I wasn't in the choir.

I was in the audience.

I mean, if it's not a sing -along, they
need to tell a sister.

Especially before my solo.

until Christmas morning, and this place
is not, and I repeat, not shimmering

like the North Pole.

Oh, there's another batch of everyone's
favorite Christmas cookies.

Saffronous. Tony, can you go get those
out of the oven? Oh, girl, I already got

them out of the oven. Where are they?
Cooling in the trash.

Maya, stop in the name of all that is
Holly.

What? What? You are using my $10 high
-gloss special shimmer paper to wrap up

some Toys for Tots.

you better wrap those in some funny
pages and call it a day.

Oh, goodness.

I just love Christmas.

It just makes me want to sing.

So I guess I will.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa
-la -la -la -la -la -la -la. Maya! Let's

all take Joan where she's jolly. Tony!

Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la -la.

You guys are not very happy, Elle.

Why'd you have to bring up Elle?

You know it makes me think of Todd,
which makes... me think of killing him,

would you just send me to jail? And that
would just ruin Christmas, Joe.

I have to admit, I'm not much in the
Christmas spirit.

You know, with Jabari at Disney World,
with Darnell and that heffa -ho Lena.

My language, it's Christmas. Oh, girl,
my bad. I'm sorry. That heffa -ho, ho

-ho.

All right, this is the worst Christmas
ever.

job at the Beverly Center as one of
Santa's reindeer and I got fired. Why?

Apparently they didn't like it when
Prancer ran off with Santa to visit his

North Pole.

You had an affair with Santa?

Well, you know, I've always been a bit
of a chubby chaser.

Okay, that's enough, you guys. Big
picture, it's Christmas.

And we are all here together like we've
always been.

Come on.

It's tradition.

You know, like our own little family.

Can't we just celebrate that?

You know, and let the spirit of
Christmas fill our hearts.

Pack your bags, baby.

I'm taking you to Puerto Rico for
Christmas.

Puerto Rico!

Feliz Navidad. You bitches are on your
own.

is coming down hard out there.

I hope we don't get stuck here.

I mean, this is Cincinnati.

Isn't this where the police shoot black
people?

Don't worry.

Cincinnati International is a hub.

They never close hubs.

Plus, my special vacation is not going
to be ruined.

I've got too much riding on this.

What have you got riding?

Me, you, Azure skies.

A five -star resort with rose petals on
the bed.

Oh.

So you think I'm going to give you some?

No, I don't think that.

Well, if you did, that would be a great
Christmas present.

William, come on.

We agreed to wait for three months.

You know what they say.

A restful day in the tropics equals a
month of vacation.

So I figure with the month we already
got in the bank, We should be reaching

three months by sundown day two.

I thought you were different from other
men.

I'm not that different.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we should
just go back to L .A. because obviously

is too early in our relationship for
this kind of trip.

Hey, I spent $1 ,600 a night on a room
that's non -refundable. Oh, so could you

put out some money I'm supposed to put
out the booty?

I'm getting more for less.

I am not your whore.

Thank you for announcing that to all of
Cincinnati.

Joe, this is not the reason why I wanted
you to come on this trip.

I would never want you to do anything
that you didn't want to do.

I love you.

And the look on your face when I told
you about the trip is enough for me.

You in my arms.

Warm tropical beach. It's just torture
if we don't do anything.

We can go to third base.

Hot damn, I'll take it.

Let me get this party started.

Excuse me, my good man.

We've got a reservation tonight with a
Mai Tai and a hot tub. So, where's our

plane? Stuck at the end of the runway.

You can't see it because of the
blizzard.

Blizzard?

That's not going to keep us from taking
off, will it? Yes, sir, it will.

Indefinitely.

I'd like to stay and talk, but the last
time we shut down...

They broke my arm.

Hey, Joan.

What are your thoughts about going to
third in front of a whole bunch of folk?

It was the night before Christmas.

And all through the house, not a
creature was stirring.

Except Lynn, a hard -drinking mouse.

What are you doing here?

Okay, a house full of food, liquor,
clean sheets, and TiVos. Got Lynn, come

in, written all over.

What are you doing here?

My cleaning lady's in El Salvador for
Christmas. My house is a mess, and me

my baby are hungry.

Okay.

What the hell?

Maya, what are you doing here?

Finally using some of Joan's fancy
bathroom Christmas towels without her

breathing down my neck.

Joan doesn't have any fish money.

I'll be hot damn. Well, as long as I'm
here, I'm out of my presents.

You guys, we should be ashamed taking
advantage of Joan's house.

Let's get real. We are all here because
we can finally enjoy Christmas without

Jingle Joan, the holiday cuckoo.

I heard that. This is the first year I
haven't broken out in Christmas hives.

I love my girl, but damn, I'm glad she's
gone.

After our presents, now Maya, make like
Santa, start passing out the goods.

Okay, great. Oh, no, no, no, no, you
guys. We know Joan's rule. We can't open

our gifts until Christmas Day.

I'm sorry, girls. That was the gin
talking. Passing my gifts.

I want to see this.

Oh, wait.

What is it?

A sock?

Why the hell did she give me one sock?

Because she gave me the other one.

I know she got me something good.

What the hell?

All right, look, look, look. There's a
note. There's a note.

On winter days when you roam and mosey,
this will keep your cell phone cozy.

A cell phone holder.

You know what? If there isn't a diamond
-crested cell phone in here, it's on.

That cozy -making heifer's going down.

I'm yanking down all the lights off her
house and burning her nativity scene.

What? Too far?

No, not far enough. How many carols have
we been forced to sing?

How many trees have we been forced to
trim?

How many feathers have we been forced to
noose? You're right.

Let's burn her house down.

You know, we'll show her.

Torturing us every holiday.

And giving us these cheap -ass gifts
while she's sunning her ass down to some

swanky beach resort.

This place will burn real nice.

William, hurry up.

It's freezing out here.

I'm trying. I think the lock is frozen.

Can't we just go someplace else?

No, we can't. This is it. We're lucky to
have found this.

I don't feel very lucky. It looks kind
of seedy.

The sign said AA approved.

William, it's supposed to be AAA
approved.

AA is alcohol. Oh, it's anonymous.

Look, it's got a roof.

It's good enough to get us through the
night, okay?

What about our luggage?

The manager was nice enough to give us a
toothbrush.

To share?

Once we get inside, you'll feel warmer.
You'll feel a whole lot better. I

promise you.

Oh, sorry, wrong room.

Liam!

Joan?

What happened?

When I left here, you were pretty.

Liam, I was trying to clean out our
shower with our toothbrush, and my hair

wet, and then I scratched my cornea on
one of those stupid sandpaper towels.

What happened to your face?

Let's just say I discovered how fierce a
possum can be when you corner him.

What? Where'd you corner a possum? In
the ice machine.

Ironically, it's the warmest place in
this hellhole.

William, we're good people.

Why is this happening to us? Why is this
happening to us on our first Christmas

together? Oh, Joan, try and relax.

Just think of Mary and Joseph 2 ,000
years ago trying to rough it in that

stable.

It's probably because they turned this
place down.

This place isn't so bad.

What?

Some kindly people have erected a cross
in the field across the street.

Scratch that. They just lit it on fire.

That's it, William.

We have to go. Please, please, please.
Let's just go back to the airport.

Who are you telling? I'm a black man.
You better try and keep up with me.

those sheets and follow me.

That's the last of her Christmas bras.

I didn't even know they made holiday
underwear for people over the age of

Sure they do. Haven't you ever seen my
Fourth of July G -string or my Bondage

Day bustier?

Lynn, Bondage Day is not a holiday.

Not yet, but I got three congressmen all
whipped up about it.

Oh, oh, guys. Guys, listen to this.

He hovered and shimmered and then flew
away.

I felt humbled to be in his presence.

Okay, I love Joan dearly, but she has
got to be the most boring person on the

face of this earth.

I've gone through every one of these
journals and this hummingbird crap

to be the high point of her life.

I don't know, girl. Have you read her 10
-page ode to turkey bacon?

You know, maybe this is why Joan's our
friend. Because her life is so hideously

dull. She has to live vicariously
through life.

Oh, hell.

That makes me kind of sad.

Toss me a Fafnus.

I like the way they pop when I throw
them in the fire.

You know, and what is her thing with the
Fafnus?

Why can't this crazy broad just make a
regular Christmas cookie like everybody

else?

Because don't you get it, guys?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at this.

Guys, Joan's Christmas memory book.

Gosh, it's a whole journal devoted to
Christmas.

Let me see that.

Oh, my goodness.

Christmas thoughts, Christmas dreams,
Christmas wishes.

I'll be Christmas sick.

Somebody needs to call the New England
Journal of Medicine. They need to write

this OCD bitch up. Uh -oh, there's my
name.

What's your name doing in there?

I'm her best friend. I should be in
there. Give me that.

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

Okay, here I am.

This is the first Christmas, Lynn.

Tony. And I have spent with my and her
family.

What a blessing to experience the magic
of the holidays through the eyes of her

little boy.

Maybe it's because I'm a child of
divorce.

Or maybe it's because my mom always
wanted to travel at Christmas instead of

staying home.

Whatever the reason, Christmas always
made me a little sad.

Until I spent it with my girls.

With Tony, Maya, and Lynn, I finally
understand what it means to share the

of giving with people I truly love.

Wow.

My God.

You know what this means, right?

John's not crazy because of Christmas.

That child's crazy because of us.

Anybody know how to make pepper news?

I guess I'll go wash, fluff, and fold
her Christmas panties as soon as I get

them off the neighbor's lawn.

I'll go, uh, string her lights back up
and get Santa out of the bushes right

after I stomp out a couple of slow
-burning fires.

William, get it! Kill it! It's over
there! It's over there!

No, it could be anywhere.

I'm sure it's just a water bug.

Can we just get some sleep?

I don't think I can sleep on that bed.

What? This is a perfectly fine bed.

Once you take the spread off.

I'm exhausted.

Oh.

Oh.

Come on.

See?

I'm lying here.

Nothing's itching.

Nothing's biting. It's... It's actually
all right.

A faint smell of rain mixed with funk,
but it's... I'm quite comfortable.

I'm staying up here.

Okay.

I need to get some sleep.

Unless, of course, you want to go to
third up on that dress.

William, would you get your mind out of
the gutter? How can I? We're staying in

the gutter.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

I suppose it's mine.

Damn, Skippy, it's yours. This whole
stupid trip was your idea.

Well, look, I'll be your mattress and
you can lay on me.

See?

Just like this.

Come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

I guess I can try it.

I'm not touching that thing.

Ready? Yeah.

This is very gallant of you, William.

I called you a hub.

It's all right.

We all say things we don't mean or
understand.

Just try and relax.

This isn't so bad.

I told you.

Hey, what do you think about going to
third?

William, you've got to be kidding.

I am. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Just lying here would probably get an
STD.

I feel like you're kidding.

Joan,

I don't know what you're feeling, but
I'm not doing anything.

Oh, my God! It's a rat!

It's a rat!

It's a rat!

What's in his mouth?

It's always pepper news.

William, that's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Joan, I can honestly say this is the
worst trip I've ever taken.

Come on.

You know, there's nobody I'd rather be
going through this with than you.

Oh.

William, at least we get to spend
Christmas together.

Yeah.

Right across the street from the Klan
family Christmas.

Hey, guys.

Okay, I got all of our panties except
the ones the neighbor's son is wearing.

Don't ask, don't tell.

It's mine. It's mine, guys.

William a rat.

But she got her pepper news eating, so I
guess they're having a good time.