Original subtitles

So I thought this pregnancy was going to be a drag, but I'm actually enjoying

the second trimester. I mean, my hair is growing, my nails are growing. I mean,

look at me. I'm a globe.

I'm sorry. Excuse me. We couldn't have it over here. You're pregnant, right?

yeah. How far along are you?

Almost five months. I have a great tip for you. There's a consignment maternity

store over on Melrose. They have all celebrity mom hand -me -downs.

Reese Witherspoon's top.

And you know about massaging your lips with olive oil, right?

You know, for the elasticity.

Oh. Oh.

Ew.

Anyway, good luck with your pregnancy.

This baby's pressing on my bladder, and I want to pee on Courtney Cox's pants.

Bye. Bye.

Okay,

women like that make me crazy.

It's like pregnancy is all they have to talk about.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm not like that.

Girl, I am so much more than a pregnant woman. I have a life, Lynn. I have

friends. I have a career.

I have opinions about the important events of the day.

Really?

Well, have you given any thought to an exit strategy for Iraq?

How am I going to think about Iraq when this pregnancy's got me constipated?

Shoot, I need an exit strategy for my breakfast burrito.

for you 24 -7. How'd I plan?

Gotta go.

Thought you could sneak out of here without me seeing you, didn't you?

Well, you thought wrong.

Just like you thought wrong when you decided to avoid Maya Wilkes' phone

Maya, I'm your agent. I ain't been returning your phone calls because I'm

here and working for you. I got your book all over town.

Really? That's a friggin' lootly. Well, what publishers have my books? All

right, well, let me think.

Oh, you're over at a...

Self -help is over. People don't want to improve themselves. They want to

improve their homes. Now, if you can write me a book on how to build a

could sell that.

Long short, you've got to come up with something new. Find that writer's key,

and then you get back to me in six months when it's done.

Wait, wait, six months?

Six months?

My bills are piling up now.

My book money is gone. Okay, my cobra is running out.

All right, I need to get my career started today, Tim. Not in six months.

I do know of something, but... Nah, it's not really up your alley yet. Are you

kidding me?

There is no alley. that doesn't lead to my will.

I can write anything, and I will write anything.

Welcome to Climax Publishing.

Are you familiar with any of our publications? Virgin, Vixen, Horny

Juggernauts?

No. We take our craft very seriously.

At Climax Publishing, our motto is, the reader comes first.

Those readers are looking for a touch of kink, maybe some mild spanking, nothing

too hardcore. If you can do that, you've got the job.

Well, thank you, but writing porn is not for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we do not write porn.

We write adult -oriented fare.

It's an important distinction for most libraries and the laws in southern

states.

Look, it was a mistake, me coming down here.

Okay, I'm a Christian woman. Only perverts with no moral fiber write these

trashy, disgusting, and degrading stories.

Finished another one.

Oh, hey, Mike.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

I got so worried when you didn't pick me up from the airport.

And I was calling and calling, you didn't pick up the phone. Is everything

I'm so sorry.

I about to flip my mind and you were coming. and you were coming in today?

What? That totally split my mind. And when you called, I was probably on the

phone with my mother.

You know how important mothers can be.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of which, Joan, you missed one hoo -ha of a Thanksgiving dinner.

Just thinking about it makes me hungry.

You got any grub?

Grub? Let me see what I've got. Let me see.

See if I got any grub in here, really.

Let's see.

What do I have?

That you went to your mother's house for Thanksgiving without me.

What? I asked you if you wanted to go. You said go, have fun.

No, no, William. I said have fun, go.

How is that different?

Because go, have fun is different from have fun, go.

Joan, if you wanted me to stay here with you, you should have said something.

I did.

It was in the subtext.

Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not that bright.

No, I guess you're not.

Major American holiday together as a couple.

Hey, look, Joan, I promise.

From now on, Martin Luther King Day is about you and me, baby.

Joan, why don't you say something?

I'm not a good mind reader.

Fine. Then let's practice.

Take a shot at what I'm thinking right now.

I love you, and would you like gravy on your mashed potatoes?

You're in the right ballpark with the potatoes.

Not too good at Mama's.

A porn mill, Tony. My agent sent me to a porn mill.

That would just have him get you another job.

There is no other job. That was it.

What am I going to do now?

You want to be a writer, right?

Yeah. Then I have the perfect job for you.

Okay, I'm going to go through this baby catalog.

I'm going to call out some item numbers. And you, missy, you're going to write

them down.

Tony, I have a real problem here, okay? And all you can talk about is your

pregnancy, which I thought you were determined not to talk about.

Fine, Maya, I won't talk about it.

I'll point you right.

T48? Yeah.

Anyway.

Girl, I don't know. I just thought that by getting an agent that, you know, it

would be a big boost and I'd keep advancing.

Instead, I just feel like everything's falling apart.

Wah, wah.

If you believe any of that crap that you wrote in that book, you need to get off

your ass and get you a better agent.

Oh.

No. I think God is trying to tell me that I need to stop letting other people

control my life.

I need to take charge and do what was working for me.

Fill in that book myself.

If there's one thing I can do, Tony, I can sell.

Shit, I could sell a barrette to a bald woman.

Who want a black household?

Hey, hey, it ain't just you and AI, no?

You don't need no help? Hey, hey, hey, job got you down? Who here is tired of

their jobs? Hey, you got a dream?

Everybody who comes to Hollywood has a dream. What's your dream?

You better find your damn dream.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, child's sick, behind on your bills. What do you do? Do you

give up?

Is this some kind of religious cult? Because I ain't drinking nobody's Kool

-Aid.

It's for my self -help book, Oh, Hell Yes.

Hey, I know that book. You do?

Yeah. They're selling photocopied versions of it down at the swap meet.

Excuse me, girl.

We'll take two.

You will? Yeah, Vice is coming. We gotta look legit, too.

A bootlegger.

My book is being sold at the swap meet by a bootlegger.

What?

Any idea who he or she might be?

No.

Good.

I mean, I wouldn't worry about it. The important thing is that you got the

rights back to your book and you're making money off of it. No, I'm not,

only sold four books in three days.

Oops.

I'm done. I am so done. I cannot keep selling my book on the street.

Look, Maya.

You cannot let some idiot bootlegger, who I'm sure is very sorry, who probably

only did it to get extra money to buy you the dune buggy, discourage you.

Glenn, this isn't even about the bootlegger. Oh, thank God. The point is,

exhausted my book in L .A.

You know, I mean, what am I supposed to do? You know, fly to Chicago, Atlanta,

New York a couple of months at a time? I can't do that.

I got a son to raise.

Hell, where would I get that kind of money? I could loan you some if I sell

dune buggy.

I'm just... Stay in.

You've worked so hard for this. You can't just give up on your dream, Maya.

Yes, I can.

Because it's a stupid pipe dream.

And it's time to move on.

That's why I got a job today at a law firm.

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

Yeah. So don't worry about me. I'm going to be fine.

Have you finished that carbon copy form yet? These contracts need to go out

today.

I must go.

Well, don't forget to check the footage for the right date.

I did.

And be sure to include a red -line copy in with the clean.

You know, Ellen, I am an experienced legal secretary.

Oh, that's right.

Are you from that big downtown law firm, Goldberg, Swedelson, Big Deal, and Who

Cares?

What happened?

Get caught with your hand in a cookie jar?

No, I didn't.

I just wanted something a little bit more challenging.

Well, I got a challenge for you. I need these contracts copied.

Okay. Uh, where's the copy room? Oh, out that door two blocks down. It's called

Kinko's.

Okay. You got some petty cash?

Well, yeah.

In your purse.

She's gonna have to do that again.

That was close.

Homeless person almost tried to steal the cart.

Thank God I had the lot.

Hey, Ellen. I think we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

So, uh...

I got you this.

Oh, one of those fancy five -dollar coffees.

So my coffee isn't good enough for you and your high -class taste, is that what

you're saying?

Fine. Don't want none, won't be none. Leave it.

Oh, and just so you know, we don't have time for you to be running to coffee,

tea bean, and hoo -ha.

Now, I'm docking that time from your pay.

What?

Oh, my God, good!

Oh, don't just stand there, brainless. Grab some business cards and go pass

out.

Pass out business cards?

Okay, you know what? You know what, girl?

I will type your documents, and I'll run your little copies, but this is where I

have got to draw the line.

Well, where are you?

I promised myself I wouldn't talk about my pregnancy.

So if I decide to talk about my pregnancy, just tell me to shut up.

Okay, Tony.

Mm -hmm. Shut up.

No, you shut up. You just told me to tell you to shut up. Well, I don't tell

to shut up every time we talk about women.

Tony, this whole not talking about your pregnancy is silly anyway.

This is a huge, wonderful, and exciting time in your life, and we should talk

about it.

Because...

You, little Joan Jr., are the most important thing.

Yes, you are.

If you want to talk about it, we should talk about it. Oh, thank you, Joan. And

if you want to talk about William... Good idea.

Can you believe that he still has not called me? I mean, this was supposed to

our first major American holiday together, and he doesn't understand why

upset. I don't even feel like I know him anymore. Joan, you know more about

William than anybody else.

Sure, as a friend.

but not as a boyfriend?

I mean, as a boyfriend, he is a complete stranger to me. The truth is, I don't

think that I can be in a relationship with a man that is this insensitive.

I mean, can you imagine who he's going to be when a baby's in the picture?

I mean, I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone this crazy.

Imagine what it's going to be like when we start having sex.

You're not hitting that?

Clayton is a loon. I could have told you that from the get -go, William.

As a matter of fact, I think I did.

but I don't even know where she's coming from with this.

I mean, I asked her if she wanted to come with me, and she said no.

Yeah, but did you insist?

No, he didn't insist.

That's what I'm saying.

That rotten bastard, how could he not insist?

I didn't want to pressure her. Oh, William, you got to insist, man.

Not insisting cost me three wives, two houses, and my jack.

Maybe I should insist on ending this relationship.

And if we don't see...

on this we are never gonna see eye to eye on anything we are two completely

different people from two different worlds clearly not knowing what the

person wants or what the other person needs that's why i'm gonna march right

over there tell him we are through an endless train wreck of a relationship

and for all you know i can wait

William.

Joan, I think we should break up.

So if you'll give me my personal effect, I'll be on my way.

Good.

Because I, too, think that we should break up.

Unfortunately, I don't have any of your personal effect.

Very well, then.

That'll make this all that much easier.

So, good night?

Good night.

Never think of anything but yourself!

Me? You're the one that's so insensitive.

How dare you? You left me alone for one bit. You ran to play games and have a

good relationship. You wouldn't have been here to save me. You probably would

have left me. With a turkey bone all lodged up my windpipe.

I'm so out of here.

Fine!

I thought that's what you wanted.

All I want to do is be with you.

God, I'm sorry. The whole time when I was gone, all I thought about was being

with you.

What the holiday without Joan? I shouldn't have expected you to read my

You know, from now on, I'm going to be more understanding and attentive to your

needs. And be more honest with each other.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

You know...

This is the part in most relationships when they have the make -up sex.

We have that three -month rule. I'm kind of at a loss.

Yeah.

Oh, we could play make -up scrabble.

With just dirty words?

If you insist.

Oh, I insist.

Oh, so what I want doesn't matter at all?

Her body would rip.

eight more.

Oh, the pouty lips.

The closer to the end.

Hike down over there.

I'm trying to work.

Oh my God, Maya, what are you doing here?

I thought you didn't want to work here.

Yeah, well, you know, I couldn't go back to being a legal assistant.

You know, it just doesn't fulfill me anymore.

But I need the money and I want to ride in. Heck, this job allows me to do both.

What about your religious issues?

Well, I figure there has to be a market for freaky Christian women. I mean,

something turned them to God in the first place.

Okay.

Joan always lived by her three -month rule.

That was until she met... Raoul.

A poor farm boy with an enormous...

Penetrating... Eye.

Hey, Maya, give me another word for penis. I've used it like three times

in the same sentence.

Oh, I don't know, girl. Try eye.

Oh, my God.

That's Rebel Al Sharpton.

Untapped potential.

But you have this fear of success. You're waiting your whole life for the

shoe to drop.

Karen is not going to drop. Leave that school cafeteria alone.

That's not food service. That's food disservice.

Just say yes to being a chef.

Let me give you a book I've just read.

Help jumpstart your life.

It's a self -help book called Oh, Hell Yes.

It's about stepping out on faith and making a change.

It's by a young woman named Maya Wilkes, who I hope took all the advice and

moved on.

Because she hated her job.

Or at least I hate her in it.

Anyway, it's a good book. Good advice.

Good read.

So good luck.

this job and shove it.

Replace job with throbbing manhood?

We've got ourselves a story.

Way ahead of you, Chief. You'll be on your death by five.

Hiya. I've been trying to reach you for days.

Two publishers earned a bidding war over oh hell yeah.

Actually, it's four.

Four? How do you know that?

Because I told her. Oh, who are you?

I'm Ian Greenfeld, Maya's new agent.

Maya?

You gonna fire me after all I've done for you?

Absolutely.

You're not gonna want to fire me after you hear what I have to tell you.

What do you have to tell me?

He's got nothing.

He's good.