All language subtitles for Girlfriends s05e10 Porn to Write

So I thought this pregnancy was going to
be a drag, but I'm actually enjoying

the second trimester. I mean, my hair is
growing, my nails are growing. I mean,

look at me. I'm a globe.

I'm sorry. Excuse me. We couldn't have
it over here. You're pregnant, right?

yeah. How far along are you?

Almost five months. I have a great tip
for you. There's a consignment maternity

store over on Melrose. They have all
celebrity mom hand -me -downs.

Reese Witherspoon's top.

And you know about massaging your lips
with olive oil, right?

You know, for the elasticity.

Oh. Oh.

Ew.

Anyway, good luck with your pregnancy.

This baby's pressing on my bladder, and
I want to pee on Courtney Cox's pants.

Bye. Bye.

Okay,

women like that make me crazy.

It's like pregnancy is all they have to
talk about.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I'm not like that.

Girl, I am so much more than a pregnant
woman. I have a life, Lynn. I have

friends. I have a career.

I have opinions about the important
events of the day.

Really?

Well, have you given any thought to an
exit strategy for Iraq?

How am I going to think about Iraq when
this pregnancy's got me constipated?

Shoot, I need an exit strategy for my
breakfast burrito.

for you 24 -7. How'd I plan?

Gotta go.

Thought you could sneak out of here
without me seeing you, didn't you?

Well, you thought wrong.

Just like you thought wrong when you
decided to avoid Maya Wilkes' phone

Maya, I'm your agent. I ain't been
returning your phone calls because I'm

here and working for you. I got your
book all over town.

Really? That's a friggin' lootly. Well,
what publishers have my books? All

right, well, let me think.

Oh, you're over at a...

Self -help is over. People don't want to
improve themselves. They want to

improve their homes. Now, if you can
write me a book on how to build a

could sell that.

Long short, you've got to come up with
something new. Find that writer's key,

and then you get back to me in six
months when it's done.

Wait, wait, six months?

Six months?

My bills are piling up now.

My book money is gone. Okay, my cobra is
running out.

All right, I need to get my career
started today, Tim. Not in six months.

I do know of something, but... Nah, it's
not really up your alley yet. Are you

kidding me?

There is no alley. that doesn't lead to
my will.

I can write anything, and I will write
anything.

Welcome to Climax Publishing.

Are you familiar with any of our
publications? Virgin, Vixen, Horny

Juggernauts?

No. We take our craft very seriously.

At Climax Publishing, our motto is, the
reader comes first.

Those readers are looking for a touch of
kink, maybe some mild spanking, nothing

too hardcore. If you can do that, you've
got the job.

Well, thank you, but writing porn is not
for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, we do not write porn.

We write adult -oriented fare.

It's an important distinction for most
libraries and the laws in southern

states.

Look, it was a mistake, me coming down
here.

Okay, I'm a Christian woman. Only
perverts with no moral fiber write these

trashy, disgusting, and degrading
stories.

Finished another one.

Oh, hey, Mike.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

I got so worried when you didn't pick me
up from the airport.

And I was calling and calling, you
didn't pick up the phone. Is everything

I'm so sorry.

I about to flip my mind and you were
coming. and you were coming in today?

What? That totally split my mind. And
when you called, I was probably on the

phone with my mother.

You know how important mothers can be.

Oh, yeah.

Speaking of which, Joan, you missed one
hoo -ha of a Thanksgiving dinner.

Just thinking about it makes me hungry.

You got any grub?

Grub? Let me see what I've got. Let me
see.

See if I got any grub in here, really.

Let's see.

What do I have?

That you went to your mother's house for
Thanksgiving without me.

What? I asked you if you wanted to go.
You said go, have fun.

No, no, William. I said have fun, go.

How is that different?

Because go, have fun is different from
have fun, go.

Joan, if you wanted me to stay here with
you, you should have said something.

I did.

It was in the subtext.

Well, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not
that bright.

No, I guess you're not.

Major American holiday together as a
couple.

Hey, look, Joan, I promise.

From now on, Martin Luther King Day is
about you and me, baby.

Joan, why don't you say something?

I'm not a good mind reader.

Fine. Then let's practice.

Take a shot at what I'm thinking right
now.

I love you, and would you like gravy on
your mashed potatoes?

You're in the right ballpark with the
potatoes.

Not too good at Mama's.

A porn mill, Tony. My agent sent me to a
porn mill.

That would just have him get you another
job.

There is no other job. That was it.

What am I going to do now?

You want to be a writer, right?

Yeah. Then I have the perfect job for
you.

Okay, I'm going to go through this baby
catalog.

I'm going to call out some item numbers.
And you, missy, you're going to write

them down.

Tony, I have a real problem here, okay?
And all you can talk about is your

pregnancy, which I thought you were
determined not to talk about.

Fine, Maya, I won't talk about it.

I'll point you right.

T48? Yeah.

Anyway.

Girl, I don't know. I just thought that
by getting an agent that, you know, it

would be a big boost and I'd keep
advancing.

Instead, I just feel like everything's
falling apart.

Wah, wah.

If you believe any of that crap that you
wrote in that book, you need to get off

your ass and get you a better agent.

Oh.

No. I think God is trying to tell me
that I need to stop letting other people

control my life.

I need to take charge and do what was
working for me.

Fill in that book myself.

If there's one thing I can do, Tony, I
can sell.

Shit, I could sell a barrette to a bald
woman.

Who want a black household?

Hey, hey, it ain't just you and AI, no?

You don't need no help? Hey, hey, hey,
job got you down? Who here is tired of

their jobs? Hey, you got a dream?

Everybody who comes to Hollywood has a
dream. What's your dream?

You better find your damn dream.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, child's sick, behind
on your bills. What do you do? Do you

give up?

Is this some kind of religious cult?
Because I ain't drinking nobody's Kool

-Aid.

It's for my self -help book, Oh, Hell
Yes.

Hey, I know that book. You do?

Yeah. They're selling photocopied
versions of it down at the swap meet.

Excuse me, girl.

We'll take two.

You will? Yeah, Vice is coming. We gotta
look legit, too.

A bootlegger.

My book is being sold at the swap meet
by a bootlegger.

What?

Any idea who he or she might be?

No.

Good.

I mean, I wouldn't worry about it. The
important thing is that you got the

rights back to your book and you're
making money off of it. No, I'm not,

only sold four books in three days.

Oops.

I'm done. I am so done. I cannot keep
selling my book on the street.

Look, Maya.

You cannot let some idiot bootlegger,
who I'm sure is very sorry, who probably

only did it to get extra money to buy
you the dune buggy, discourage you.

Glenn, this isn't even about the
bootlegger. Oh, thank God. The point is,

exhausted my book in L .A.

You know, I mean, what am I supposed to
do? You know, fly to Chicago, Atlanta,

New York a couple of months at a time? I
can't do that.

I got a son to raise.

Hell, where would I get that kind of
money? I could loan you some if I sell

dune buggy.

I'm just... Stay in.

You've worked so hard for this. You
can't just give up on your dream, Maya.

Yes, I can.

Because it's a stupid pipe dream.

And it's time to move on.

That's why I got a job today at a law
firm.

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

Yeah. So don't worry about me. I'm going
to be fine.

Have you finished that carbon copy form
yet? These contracts need to go out

today.

I must go.

Well, don't forget to check the footage
for the right date.

I did.

And be sure to include a red -line copy
in with the clean.

You know, Ellen, I am an experienced
legal secretary.

Oh, that's right.

Are you from that big downtown law firm,
Goldberg, Swedelson, Big Deal, and Who

Cares?

What happened?

Get caught with your hand in a cookie
jar?

No, I didn't.

I just wanted something a little bit
more challenging.

Well, I got a challenge for you. I need
these contracts copied.

Okay. Uh, where's the copy room? Oh, out
that door two blocks down. It's called

Kinko's.

Okay. You got some petty cash?

Well, yeah.

In your purse.

She's gonna have to do that again.

That was close.

Homeless person almost tried to steal
the cart.

Thank God I had the lot.

Hey, Ellen. I think we got off on the
wrong foot earlier.

So, uh...

I got you this.

Oh, one of those fancy five -dollar
coffees.

So my coffee isn't good enough for you
and your high -class taste, is that what

you're saying?

Fine. Don't want none, won't be none.
Leave it.

Oh, and just so you know, we don't have
time for you to be running to coffee,

tea bean, and hoo -ha.

Now, I'm docking that time from your
pay.

What?

Oh, my God, good!

Oh, don't just stand there, brainless.
Grab some business cards and go pass

out.

Pass out business cards?

Okay, you know what? You know what,
girl?

I will type your documents, and I'll run
your little copies, but this is where I

have got to draw the line.

Well, where are you?

I promised myself I wouldn't talk about
my pregnancy.

So if I decide to talk about my
pregnancy, just tell me to shut up.

Okay, Tony.

Mm -hmm. Shut up.

No, you shut up. You just told me to
tell you to shut up. Well, I don't tell

to shut up every time we talk about
women.

Tony, this whole not talking about your
pregnancy is silly anyway.

This is a huge, wonderful, and exciting
time in your life, and we should talk

about it.

Because...

You, little Joan Jr., are the most
important thing.

Yes, you are.

If you want to talk about it, we should
talk about it. Oh, thank you, Joan. And

if you want to talk about William...
Good idea.

Can you believe that he still has not
called me? I mean, this was supposed to

our first major American holiday
together, and he doesn't understand why

upset. I don't even feel like I know him
anymore. Joan, you know more about

William than anybody else.

Sure, as a friend.

but not as a boyfriend?

I mean, as a boyfriend, he is a complete
stranger to me. The truth is, I don't

think that I can be in a relationship
with a man that is this insensitive.

I mean, can you imagine who he's going
to be when a baby's in the picture?

I mean, I don't know if I can be in a
relationship with someone this crazy.

Imagine what it's going to be like when
we start having sex.

You're not hitting that?

Clayton is a loon. I could have told you
that from the get -go, William.

As a matter of fact, I think I did.

but I don't even know where she's coming
from with this.

I mean, I asked her if she wanted to
come with me, and she said no.

Yeah, but did you insist?

No, he didn't insist.

That's what I'm saying.

That rotten bastard, how could he not
insist?

I didn't want to pressure her. Oh,
William, you got to insist, man.

Not insisting cost me three wives, two
houses, and my jack.

Maybe I should insist on ending this
relationship.

And if we don't see...

on this we are never gonna see eye to
eye on anything we are two completely

different people from two different
worlds clearly not knowing what the

person wants or what the other person
needs that's why i'm gonna march right

over there tell him we are through an
endless train wreck of a relationship

and for all you know i can wait

William.

Joan, I think we should break up.

So if you'll give me my personal effect,
I'll be on my way.

Good.

Because I, too, think that we should
break up.

Unfortunately, I don't have any of your
personal effect.

Very well, then.

That'll make this all that much easier.

So, good night?

Good night.

Never think of anything but yourself!

Me? You're the one that's so
insensitive.

How dare you? You left me alone for one
bit. You ran to play games and have a

good relationship. You wouldn't have
been here to save me. You probably would

have left me. With a turkey bone all
lodged up my windpipe.

I'm so out of here.

Fine!

I thought that's what you wanted.

All I want to do is be with you.

God, I'm sorry. The whole time when I
was gone, all I thought about was being

with you.

What the holiday without Joan? I
shouldn't have expected you to read my

You know, from now on, I'm going to be
more understanding and attentive to your

needs. And be more honest with each
other.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

You know...

This is the part in most relationships
when they have the make -up sex.

We have that three -month rule. I'm kind
of at a loss.

Yeah.

Oh, we could play make -up scrabble.

With just dirty words?

If you insist.

Oh, I insist.

Oh, so what I want doesn't matter at
all?

Her body would rip.

eight more.

Oh, the pouty lips.

The closer to the end.

Hike down over there.

I'm trying to work.

Oh my God, Maya, what are you doing
here?

I thought you didn't want to work here.

Yeah, well, you know, I couldn't go back
to being a legal assistant.

You know, it just doesn't fulfill me
anymore.

But I need the money and I want to ride
in. Heck, this job allows me to do both.

What about your religious issues?

Well, I figure there has to be a market
for freaky Christian women. I mean,

something turned them to God in the
first place.

Okay.

Joan always lived by her three -month
rule.

That was until she met... Raoul.

A poor farm boy with an enormous...

Penetrating... Eye.

Hey, Maya, give me another word for
penis. I've used it like three times

in the same sentence.

Oh, I don't know, girl. Try eye.

Oh, my God.

That's Rebel Al Sharpton.

Untapped potential.

But you have this fear of success.
You're waiting your whole life for the

shoe to drop.

Karen is not going to drop. Leave that
school cafeteria alone.

That's not food service. That's food
disservice.

Just say yes to being a chef.

Let me give you a book I've just read.

Help jumpstart your life.

It's a self -help book called Oh, Hell
Yes.

It's about stepping out on faith and
making a change.

It's by a young woman named Maya Wilkes,
who I hope took all the advice and

moved on.

Because she hated her job.

Or at least I hate her in it.

Anyway, it's a good book. Good advice.

Good read.

So good luck.

this job and shove it.

Replace job with throbbing manhood?

We've got ourselves a story.

Way ahead of you, Chief. You'll be on
your death by five.

Hiya. I've been trying to reach you for
days.

Two publishers earned a bidding war over
oh hell yeah.

Actually, it's four.

Four? How do you know that?

Because I told her. Oh, who are you?

I'm Ian Greenfeld, Maya's new agent.

Maya?

You gonna fire me after all I've done
for you?

Absolutely.

You're not gonna want to fire me after
you hear what I have to tell you.

What do you have to tell me?

He's got nothing.

He's good.