Original subtitles

So, guess who's coming to L .A.? I'll give you a hint. It's somebody important

in my life.

A traveling vibrator salesman?

No.

But that's a concept.

Okay, fine. I'll just tell you. It's my birth father, Ken, and his wife,

Annette. They're coming to see me.

Dang, girl. How many sets of pants are you going to trot all up and through?

Lynn, that is so great.

I know. I can't wait.

Hold that.

Hello?

Who's calling?

Oh, yeah. I know you've been trying to reach me, but I've been rather... Busy.

What was that?

That's Tom's divorce lawyer. He wanted to get a hold of me so he can deliver

divorce papers.

But it ain't gonna happen, no, no, because I plan on being one Cajun

One cagey mother with a soggy cell phone.

Well, I wanted a new one anyway.

One that I could check emails and play games on.

You know, so I can play solitaire while y 'all bore me to death talking about

your lives.

Ken and his wife coming to see me is a big deal, Tony.

So how do your parents feel about all this? Do they know?

Oh, yeah. I talked to my dad last night, and he's totally fine with it. He's

secure. He's behind you. Yeah, totally.

Lobo, stay behind you.

Hopefully you're here because I told you Ken and his wife were coming. Nobody

can pull a little over my needle's eye.

So, Ed, where's Beth? How come she didn't come?

Oh, the missus wanted to, but she hasn't stopped crying since Lynn met her birth

mother.

Oh. I'm just kidding.

No, really, you should call her.

I think it is so cute how you're just a little bit jealous of Lynn's birth

daddy. I'm not jealous. I just thought this would be a good opportunity to meet

him. Really? So you're cool with this?

I'm totally cool with this. I'm so cool.

I'm like a slurpee.

Okay, are you sure?

No, I'm feeling really threatened.

Oh, Daddy.

Look, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You and I are solid.

Yeah, and you should hear the way your daughter talks about you. Trust me, y

'all tie like a grip.

Really? Absolutely.

Now, Ken and Annette will be here in an hour, so you gots to go.

Can you believe that we've been together for almost a week and we still haven't

had an actual date?

What are you talking about?

Just the other day, we were watching football at my house when he greased my

scalp.

Yeah, and as romantic as that was, I'm talking about an actual date.

You know, like making plans and getting dressed up and going someplace special.

Oh, you mean a chick bait.

No, I mean a boyfriend and girlfriend official first date.

Official first date?

Y 'all mean y 'all ain't done the dirty yet?

Dirty? We barely done the cleaning.

That's because we're taking it slow.

That's right.

Real slow.

Pick up for Tony.

So, first things first.

We need to think of something that would make our first date special.

Do you have any idea?

Oh! You mean like getting dressed up and going out and having drinks? Yeah, like

that. That's what you're doing now, you idiot.

Oh, my God, you're right.

This can't be our first date.

This isn't special. This is ordinary.

Go. Go. What?

Go. All right, all right, all right.

Hey, we're still going to catch a movie later, though, right? Yeah, I'll meet

you there.

Isn't that still a date?

No, because we didn't have dinner first.

And because we're not taking the same car.

Hey, Joanie, want to get a bite first?

Yeah. Oh, let's ride together.

Ed,

here you go. Oh, thank you. Got your bars your mom set up for you.

Thanks. I really appreciate your taking in the extra dad, Maya. Oh, please. It's

no big deal.

I feel better knowing Lynn is right next door.

You know, Ed, you are a better parent than I am, okay? Because if that was my

daughter, I would have had to tell those people, hey.

I can't stop you from coming to L .A., but I can hide my daughter in an

storage facility.

You know, plenty of food and water, because I love my baby.

Well, Bess and I give our daughters roots so they can grow and then wings so

they can fly. You just have to trust that eventually they'll fly back home.

I'm in a good place.

Oh, God, that's them.

I'm losing my noodle.

Do that.

things that you hear now, right? I'm so glad we're going to finally get some

time. Wow, we're already here now.

Guys, we just got here. Could you give us a few minutes?

Oh.

You must be Lynn's birth daddy.

Ken, Annette, this is my dad, Ed, and my friend, Maya.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Ed. Same here, Ken.

You, uh, you did a wonderful job in raising Lynn.

Thank you. And you did a wonderful job of conceiving her.

Okay, well, you know what? They just wanted to pop in and say hello before

said goodbye. So, bye -bye.

Bye. Isolated storage facility. That's all I'm saying.

So that's your dad.

Yep, that's him.

I thought you said your folks lived in Seattle.

Actually, they do. He's just down for a convention.

Oh, yeah? What kind of convention?

A, uh, Slurpee convention.

So, anyway, I have all kinds of things planned for us. First thing, we can get

up early in the morning and go to the Getty. What's that?

Oh, it's this great museum.

Uh -uh. We got paintings and artifacts on the East Coast. This is my birthday

trip. I want to see Hollywood celebrities.

Well, uh, maybe we could do both. No, we can't.

Tomorrow we're going to one of those fancy studios.

All I want to do tomorrow is ride, ride, and see Hollywood celebrities.

Okay, well, uh, maybe the next day we could... Well, the next day I already

bought tickets for our Grey Line tour to the movie star's home. You know, riding

a bus and seeing Hollywood celebrities.

Uh, the woman has planned every minute of this trip. You know, I even went to

the auto club and got myself a trip ticket.

You know, you guys are probably tired, so... No, we're hungry.

Yeah, um, all she had to eat on the plane was a bag of mixed nuts and

juice. And the stewardess wasn't even giving me a whole can.

Oh, you know, I need some hummus.

Hummus?

We want to go to Rocco's Chicken and Waffles.

You're welcome to come with us.

Oh, no thanks. Remember, I'm a vegan.

A vegan can't eat a waffle.

like a real mailbox.

But don't put your postcard in here. It's what we in the business call a

So, uh, after I got my degree in clinical psychology, I realized that I

wanted to learn more about English Lit.

This bench is a Forrest Gump bench.

They built it in Georgia, but they shipped the bench back here to you. You

sit on it if you like.

Oh, Kim, I gotta sit on that bench.

You know, after English Lit, I was actually offered a fellowship.

But anthropology was just calling.

Anthropology, isn't that the... Here, here, get my picture.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

Over there is our Foley stage, where many of our sound effects are created.

So, back to anthropology.

You know, I did this really interesting study on biracial adoption.

Ask that girl if we...

Hollywood celebrities.

Excuse me.

Are we going to see any celebrities on this tour?

Well, you have to keep your eyes open.

Yesterday, I saw Benjamin Bratt and Tom Cruise has an office on the lot. They're

always shooting some big movie here, so you never know.

You know, I made a movie.

Yeah, it was a documentary on the AIDS crisis and its effect on black women.

No offense, but it's going to be kind of hard to concentrate on seeing Hollywood

celebrities with you bringing everybody down talking about the AIDS and whatnot.

Shouldn't they be back by now? They've been gone all day.

You know, Ed, I know exactly how you're feeling.

I stood by the window and waited all night the first time my ex -husband and

new hoochie took my son to a movie.

I think I stood there for like two hours until I realized that, hey, I could

just go over to Lena's house and key her car.

Well, it wouldn't be very satisfying to key Ken's car.

It's a rental. Oh.

You need something to take your mind off of all of it.

And I have just the right thing.

Oh, my God.

You finally got someone to paint Jabari's room real quick.

Yes, I did.

I'm telling you, Ed is amazing.

He fixed the wiring in my kitchen, hooked up the surround sound in my

room. Okay? He is super dad.

I hate that woman.

She's trying to get between me and my birth father.

And I hate him for not standing up to her.

Then what happened?

They're just interested in seeing celebrities and doing corny tourist

Well, they are corny tourists.

You'd think that they would want to get to know me and do at least one or two of

the things I had planned, like going to Mocha or the Getty. Okay, he's always

trying to get somebody down to that dang Getty.

Maybe if you let them do some of their stuff, then they'll want to do some of

your stuff.

Not going to happen.

Bossy pants has everything already planned out.

But you know what?

If they want to blow me off, that's just fine.

It's just fine because they can just go stay at the Motel 6.

Because I will not have those users living in my house. They can just pack

their corny tourist t -shirts and their stupid tourist bomb stickers and their

stupid tourist keychains and get the hell out.

I like keychains.

Why are keychains got to be stupid?

It's important for you to spend quality time with your birth father, but kicking

them out is not going to get you that.

You need to give them another chance.

But Joan, it can't just be me making all the effort.

You know, he's got to try too.

He's going to be gone before we've had any real time together.

Okay, look, what if we just have a get -together here?

Huh? Nothing formal. They can come over and meet your friends, and you and Ken

can spend some time together getting to know each other without all the

pressure.

Well, I do want them to know my life, and mooching off you is a big part of

that.

Then it's perfect.

Come on, tomorrow night, here, cocktails and appetizers.

Thank you.

And, um, remember, they're big meat eaters. Oh, well, that's perfect. I've

dying to make this appetizer. It's beef tartare with raw clover eggs.

Joan. Huh?

They're meat -eaters from Jersey.

Oh. Pigs in a blanket it is.

I don't know where they could be.

I told them 7 o 'clock. I'm sorry, Joan. I know you went to all this trouble.

Relax, Noodle. They'll be here.

Yeah, Lynn.

Don't worry.

See?

Hello?

All the makings of an official first date.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

You're going to laugh.

All right.

I kind of planned a party.

No, I'm not laughing.

But I was thinking that we could still make it our official first date.

Okay, I'm laughing a little, but I'm crying on the inside.

Come on, William. It'll be fun.

We've got to roll with the punches, you know? Let's be crazy and spontaneous.

All right, all right, all right.

So, um, ask me out.

Joan, will you go out with me?

I don't know.

I mean, it's kind of late notice.

And I do have this party I'm supposed to go to. All right, well, maybe next

time.

Oh, what the hell?

Why don't you just come with?

Hello, everybody.

I hope you don't mind, but I decided to bring my new beau.

Hi. I'm William.

So, what do you think?

I think y 'all are crazier than a bag of chicken lips.

Chickens don't have lips. And y 'all don't make no kind of sense either.

This party better work, because Ken and I are not connecting at all.

Noodle, you're testing him again.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You keep setting up tests to see if he'll accept you.

Only he doesn't know it's a test, so you're setting him up to fail.

Haven't you ever heard of Pop Quip?

Okay, fine.

Maybe it's not about acceptance. Maybe I just... I just want him to make right

for what he did wrong.

I believe everything in life has a way of working out.

If it wasn't for his wrong, as you call it, you and I wouldn't be here together

right now.

So if you think about it like that, maybe it's easier to give the guy a

Maybe that's them.

Hello?

Yeah, hang on a second.

Tony? It's for you.

It's Todd's divorce lawyer.

Looky here, how'd you get this number?

Well, is it an emergency? No, it is not. If you want to get a hold of me, you

can contact me at work.

Look it up in the phone book.

The name of my business?

Yeah, it's called None Your Business.

Excuse me.

How long do we have to pretend these people are coming? Because he set aside

pigs in a blanket, got my name written all over.

That wasn't much of a first date, was it?

But you know what? It doesn't matter, because we can always plan another first

date.

Let me stop you right there.

Let's end this whole first date rigmarole.

You're right.

We should just move on to the second date.

I got a better idea.

We should move on to the couch.

To plan our second date?

Well, you can plan it while I'm doing you.

William, it's not very romantic.

I'm sorry.

You could plan it while I'm doing you, sweetie.

You're lucky I love you. Yes, I am very lucky.

sensitive skin, and you're, like, giving me third -degree burn back there.

Take that shirt off so I can get to those third -degree nipples.

William, I'm going kind of fast, huh?

I'm sorry. I thought you wanted this.

Am I alone here?

I do want this. I just feel like I'm 16 right now.

And we should be a lot further along.

William, William, understand. I want you. I've been dreaming about this.

But we've been buddies.

Now we're buddies in love, about to be bed buddies, and I just... I don't know

how to make the transition.

You know we don't have to do this.

I want to do this.

Well, of course you do.

I'm Big Willie.

You just don't have to do this right now.

Let's forget all this nervousness, okay? And let's just dive in, roll up our

sleeves. No, no, Joan, look, I know you, and I think I know what's going to work

best in this situation.

We need to implement your three -month rule.

Yeah, but... William, my three -month rule was always so that I could get to

know a guy first, but I already know you. Not as your boyfriend.

Remember how you wanted our first date to be perfect?

Yeah. Well, I want our first time to be perfect.

And let's face it, you never waited three months, and look at how those

relationships turned out.

I want to be the guy that waits for you.

William, that is so romantic.

Now you got me all hot.

Well, yeah, wait.

Where were you?

Lynn, we didn't think you'd still be up.

How could you just stand me up?

What? The party at Jones. It was for you.

Well, we didn't realize that.

It was so you could meet my friends.

I'm sorry, Lynn, but we got free tickets to the taping of a real TV show. Yeah,

we even thought Tom Arnold. You know, that's a once -in -a -lifetime

opportunity.

Do you have any idea how hard I worked planning your visit?

Planning our visit?

We had had this trip planned before he even knew about you.

Lynn, yes, we had already planned this trip, but once I met you, I rearranged

so I could spend time with you. And when was that going to happen?

Because every time I suggested something, you suggested something else.

I wanted to show you my L .A. so that maybe you could get to know something

about me. That's what this night was supposed to be about.

Well, why didn't you tell me that?

I didn't think I had to.

I didn't have to tell him, and he knew.

It's because he's your father.

Look, you and I are going to have our own relationship.

It's... It's just going to take a little time.

But you're leaving tomorrow.

Yeah, but I'm here right now.

Too late at night. Everything I wanted to show you is closed.

We can stay right here and talk all night if you want.

I'd like that.

Well, not all night.

All I'm saying is that we have to get up early because we're supposed to swing

by Beverly Hills before we go to the airport.

So we can see some Hollywood celebrities.

Take a divorce paper.

I ain't playing with you.