Original subtitles

What's for dinner tonight?

Chicken. I don't eat chicken. Exactly.

Go home.

Damn, it's cold.

It's meant to be.

Oh, hell no.

Ain't nobody washing. Ain't nobody paying for booty and the beads.

Don't knock booty, girl. That's a classic.

Okay, you know what, Lynn? Girl, it's bad enough that you're over here

all the time, but now you're abusing my cable by ordering pay -per -view porn.

The monster ball.

Forrest Hump.

You owe me $56.

Okay, first of all, if I was over here watching porn, I wouldn't be abusing

cable. I'd be abusing myself.

And secondly, why would I order these?

I own most of them.

Okay, Lynn, if you didn't order this trash, then who did?

Well, according to this bill, someone who's here between the hours of 3 .30

5 p .m.

See, that can't be me. That's my nap time.

No, that's the time you're supposed to be watching Jabari.

Ask not who's watching Jabari, ask what Jabari's been watching.

Oh my God, when Harry met Harry.

Girl, you better talk to him quick.

Goldberg, Sweetelson, McDonald, and Lee.

Joan Clayton?

Hold, please.

Hello? Mama alert.

Oh, Lord. Her mama, my mama.

Because remember, my stupid ass don't work there either.

Her mama.

Oh. All right, girl. Go on and put Carol's bougie ass through.

Joan Clayton's office?

Hi, Carol.

You know how it is.

Busy, busy, busy.

Yeah. Oh, Ted, you're going off to the law library? Okay, great. Thanks for

letting me know. Okay.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Um, yeah, I'll get Joan for you. I think she's huddled with the senior partners.

You know, they can't make a move without her. Your little girl.

Please hold.

Hey. Hey, girl. Mom alert.

Oh, God. What am I doing? Girl, you're huddled with the senior partners. They

can't make a move without you.

Got it.

Okay. Oh, wait, girl. And Ted, he's in the law library.

Who's Ted? Girl, no, just keep it real.

Hey,

Mom.

Hi, I know it's been two days. I'm sorry. I've just been so busy. I've been

huddled up with the senior partners.

You know how they can't make a move without me.

You know what, Mom?

Can I call you right back? I've got to go join Ted in the law library.

Do you need a ride?

Oh, Carol Clayton, when were you going to tell me you quit?

You know what? We should have a spa day. My treat.

Your treat?

You don't have a job.

I don't have a job, and you've shown up unexpected, so let's just let bygones be

bygones.

Would you please explain to me why my child would squander an $80 ,000 law

school education, a highly respected position in a blue -chip law firm, not

mention the belief that those who love you had, and I stress had, in your

potential?

I just wasn't happy being a lawyer.

Do you know what would make me really happy?

Going to Disneyland.

Let's go.

Carol, don't play with me.

Mom, I have a plan, and it's a good one.

I'm going to open a tapas bar.

A tapas bar?

With your little lima beans?

A tapas bar.

A restaurant?

Oh, God, I like the strip club idea better.

Come on, I'm going to do this. I've already leased the space.

Joan, how many years have I been an investment consultant?

I know you started doing it after one of your divorces, so that's either 79,

spring 84, winter 84.

I told you not to mess with me.

Sit.

The first thing I tell my clients...

is never, ever on threat of death invest in a startup restaurant.

90 % of them go out of business.

What is this?

Acting out?

No. I kept waiting for you to act out as a teenager, but you never did.

So it's about damn time, but damn it, Joan, stop it.

Mom, I did, too, act out.

I didn't wear a bra to my 16th birthday party.

Sweetheart, no one would have known if you hadn't told us.

Now, Joan's idea is to take out this wall, to open it up and make it

transparent. Thought it needed to be as an event.

A circus of their mind and spirit, yeah.

Ah, you're thinking sports bar, too.

I'm with you, brother.

Where are we going to put the big screen in the aquarium?

I assume you're speaking of the aquarium in some metaphorical sense, yeah?

No, I'm talking about a big glass box with a fish in it.

And if we're lucky, a turtle.

So like I said, Mom, it's all about location, and this one is hot.

Oh, hey, Georg.

Hello, darling.

I'm so sorry we're late. My mom came in unexpectedly.

Mother, Georg, Georg, Mother, Carol Hart. It's very nice to meet you. You

Oh, turquoise.

Carol.

How is it possible that you look younger now than the last time I saw you?

Oh, William, what's a sensible young man like you doing in the middle of this

madness? Well, didn't Joan tell you?

I'm her partner.

Is this some sort of quitting epidemic? Are you like lemmings to the sea?

No, no, no.

I'm not stupid.

I still have my job.

William, something's different.

You have a sort of gravity about you I never noticed before. What is it?

Are you in love?

Well, me? No, no.

I did make senior partners. Of course, that's it. Oh, I like it.

Confidence looks sexy on you.

Well, you know, Carol, beautiful women have a way of bringing out the inherent

sexiness in them.

Okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay. You two are making me sick.

John, are you married to this man?

Because I don't like.

It feels like a mausoleum in here.

I feel like I may die in here.

Excuse me.

I can't breathe, no.

He's just so sensitive.

No, he's sensible, and you need to take his lead and walk out of here, too.

Speaking of walking, I'm already 5 ,000 steps behind. If I don't keep this push

tight, I'll never find ex -husband number six.

Joan, if Georg isn't feeling it, maybe we ought to find a new place.

It's enough dealing with my unsupportive mother. I don't need you sticking your

nose in my business.

Your business?

I put a boatload of cold, hard cash into this joint.

Yes, William, as an investor, not as a partner.

Where was all that specificity when you took my money?

And besides, you need somebody to check your crazy ideas.

Because the Germans confirmed it, Joan.

You have questionable taste.

And if we can't trust a German, who can we trust?

Me, William.

I make the decisions around here.

I pick the designer. I pick the chef. I pick the wine. I pick the linen. I pick

the salt and pepper shakers, toilet paper, everything.

And you, you just stand there and you pick your butt.

Because you're what, William?

You're an investor.

A silent investor. And what's the hallmark of a silent investor?

Silence. So shut up.

Shut up.

I want... Shut up. Shut up.

Is it a query? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Fine, I'll shut up.

And a turtle.

The first thing I did was go off on the cable company. I mean, shouldn't they be

checking ID before they just turn on the porn?

I can tell you with some authority, nobody checks squat.

By the way, if a slightly used taiko drum shows up at Jones for Joan, it's

Now, Maya.

If Jabubaboo is engaging in pornographic pastimes, then obviously he's at an age

where things are happening.

And I need to know exactly where those things are happening before I sit my non

-scotch -guarded ass down.

My son is not a sex fiend.

I talked to him, and he ordered that porn inadvertently.

He thought he was ordering Pokemon, not Poke Me Man.

Maya, you fell for that.

No more dude got pregnant at 16.

You guys, you know what? I'm just, I'm not ready for this.

Well, you better get ready. Take the lock off the bathroom door and hide your

good towels, honey.

And make sure he doesn't use porn as an instruction manual.

Because that kind of foreplay doesn't give a woman anything but a headache and

big mess to clean up.

Wait a minute. You can learn a lot from porn. I'm talking about sex for normal

people, not freak.

Sex? I'm talking about smooth jazz.

Okay.

You guys, you know what? I just cannot believe that my son is watching porn.

Mom!

What do you got to tell my business?

What?

Oh, okay, uh -uh.

No, no, no, no, my, my, my, this is a good thing.

Nothing like a healthy dose of shame attached to sex.

Let that boy...

And then 30 years from now, he ends up hiring some dominatrix he calls Mama to

beat the shame out of him.

How do I know?

Just call me Mama.

Mom, the wine should be done breathing.

I'm not.

Just 400 steps shy of 10 ,000.

All I'm saying is that William was very generous to invest in your little

travesty. Mom, why all this talk about William? And what were you doing

Almost... Flirting with him?

Almost. Ooh, Mama must be slipping.

I thought I was out and out flirting.

Mommy's like half your age. Oh, please. He's only about five years younger than

my fourth husband. God rest his soul.

Richard's not dead.

He is to me.

Maybe if you tried flirting sometime, you wouldn't be home drinking with your

mother.

Mmm.

This is a fine Merlot.

Good. Drink.

Don't get used to the good stuff, though, because after you lose your life

savings in your business, you'll be drinking from a paper bag.

You know what, Mom? I'm done talking about the restaurant, okay? Well, I'm

Joanie.

Where is your part of this money coming from?

My savings account and a loan.

You refinanced this house, didn't you?

This is my house.

That my mother left you.

My parents were the first black family on this block.

They worked too hard to buy this house only to have you throw it away on a

This is not a whim.

I have a solid plan and I'm putting my heart into it.

Well, what's going to happen when you fail?

I don't know, Mom. Maybe I'll do what you do every time one of your marriages

fails. I'll just move on to the next one.

I may have gone through some marriages.

But I never jeopardized my career.

But you, you've never had a man, and now you're throwing away your career.

What the hell are you doing with your life?

Mom, is it too much to ask for you to be supportive of me for once? I am always

supportive. I'm trying to give you some damn good advice.

Maybe I don't want advice from my mother.

Maybe I just want my mother to give me a hug and a boost and to tell me that I'm

great and that I can do it, even if she doesn't think that I can. The most

loving thing I can do is tell you you're making a big mistake.

The biggest mistake I made my entire life is trying to please you.

Mom, I am done trading my happiness for your approval. I have finally found

something that I really want to do, and if you can't be supportive of me, then I

don't need you here.

Oh, so you're kicking me out.

I'm just saying that I need you to be supportive.

That's not what you said. You know what I mean. No, I don't.

Just like I don't know who you are.

You never call me. You don't include me in your big decisions.

You don't invite me for holidays.

But hey, now you finally made yourself clear.

You don't want me here.

And I don't stay where I'm not wanted.

I'm not making my grand exit without it being accounted for.

word for word what you said to your mama so I can say it to mine next time she

comes into town?

Because I have told Loretta point blank to get the hell out of my house and she

won't go.

Tony, come on. This isn't funny. I'm sick about this.

Oh, hell no!

You threw your mama out?

You know, you bougie bitches kill me.

Have you no respect for the woman who brought you into this world?

Says the woman who won't tell her mama she just got fired from her job.

She don't need to know all my business.

By the way, UPS dropped off a package about yay high, yay wide.

Yeah, I sent your stupid drum back.

Damn it, Joan.

You screw up everything.

I do.

My mother's only part of it. I'm totally screwing up my business, too. I never

should have asked William to give me some money.

There's just too much baggage there, and now he thinks he owns part of my

business. Didn't he put up half the money?

Yes. Then he owns half your business.

Shut up, Lynn.

Shut up, you drum center backer.

You know what, you guys?

I need to figure out a way to raise money so I can buy William out.

No, what you need to do is rectify the situation that you have going on with

your mother.

Or is that how you plan on handling her, too?

Huh? Try to buy her out of being your mama.

Well, I... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Does that really work?

Because I'll write Verena a big -ass check right now.

So, when the boy bear has some urges, he approaches

the girl bear.

She also has some urges.

They shake hands, and they agree to put those urges on hold while they finish

high school, go to college.

get a master's degree, start a career, pay off those college debts.

Mom, didn't you have me when you were, like, 16?

Yes, I did, Jabari, and that's why you're going to be on punishment,

after our sex talk.

But I already know about sex.

Oh, really?

You don't know everything?

Yeah, I do.

Okay. All right.

Tell me what you know.

Hmm.

That's all I know.

Now can I go with your Mondays?

No! You go into your room and I need to figure out how to feed you while you're

locked in there for the next ten years.

I said go!

Y 'all are nasty.

Joan! I'm glad you're here.

Please, let me talk first.

It's really hard.

Here's a check for $100 ,000 refunding your investment in my restaurant. It's

post -dated, so please don't cash it until one year after the restaurant has

turned a profit.

Joan. No, William.

Thank you.

Thank you for investing in me.

Thank you for believing in me, but I have to open this restaurant on my own.

If it succeeds or if it fails, it has to be on my terms.

My interest is not fair.

William, please don't fight me on this. I'm not fighting you on this, woman. I

think you got a good idea.

Don't patronize me. I'm a big girl. I don't need your help.

What you need is some checks and balances, woman. You got some ideas that

silly and frou -frou.

And yours are adolescent and done to death. An aquarium and a sports bar?

Oh, yeah?

Well, a tapas bar is nothing but a bunch of appetizers, and that yellow towel

you picked out looks like baby caca.

I've already messed up my relationship with my mother. I don't want to lose my

friendship with you.

We almost did back in New York.

Yeah, we did, but you were right. I mean, we have no business trying to be

anything other than friends.

I'm sorry I said anything.

I must have been in a desperate place.

Desperate place?

Joan, please.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, William.

Really, I mean, what was that money, huh?

Was it just like, let's throw some money at poor old hag Joan?

Because she's always going to be alone, but at least you'll have her tapas bar

and her baby caca tile to keep her warm?

Oh, so now we're laughing at the desperate woman?

You know what, William?

I was desperate.

I was so desperate that I got all dolled up and put a friggin' flower in my hair

and went down to your hotel room in New York to tell you, you know what, yes.

Yes, William, let's try it. You're the one. I do love you. But thank God I went

to the wrong door, and thank God you didn't answer, and thank God we avoided

this hideousness that would have been our relationship. Thank God.

You came to my door?

Technically, no.

But the intended door was yours.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Johnny!

Mommy?

Oh, my God.

Are you all right, Joan?

Oh, my God.

What's wrong, Joan?

Oh, this can't be good.

Yeah, took it out.