Original subtitles

Kelly, starting a business is a huge undertaking.

This restaurant thing is wearing me out. Yeah, well, try being pregnant.

This baby's wearing me out. Yeah, well, try being friends with you two

complaining half as y 'all are wearing me out.

What the hell? Lynn, what are you doing?

I found my latest passion. I'm a paparazzi.

Uh, Lynn, excuse me. Isn't that my camera?

Yeah.

You could have asked to borrow it.

Could have.

Oh, it's good to ask to borrow your watch.

Got to go. Never mind.

I have time. Cheap piece of crap.

Quick, move to the left.

My left.

Well, maybe you can keep pictures with him. He's not a celebrity.

Sure it is. It's the little boy from Al.

Al? I thought that show had to go on for like, what, 20 years? Yeah, I mean, the

pump is working again, but nobody wants a picture of that grown -ass boy.

Actually, it would be perfect for this new magazine I heard about called People

Who Used To Be People.

Order for me.

I spoke to Intervision Press, and they loved your rewriting. Oh, my God!

They put Oh, Hell Yes on the fast track. Oh, my God!

Maya, that's not all.

I don't get my client the ice cream without getting some jimmies.

Jimmies? Boy, I don't know you like that.

No, jimmies. The chocolate sprinkles on top of the ice cream. It means I got you

more. It's a simile. Oh, no, you mean a metaphor.

Exactly. You see, Maya, that's why this relationship works. You and I, we speak

the same language, metaphors, similes. Money.

Exactly. I don't have to butter you up.

Intervision Press loves you. So I told them, well, we need a gesture on their

part to demonstrate the depth of their love. Uh -huh. Show me to Jimmy. Show me

to Jimmy. Yeah. And Maya, they did. They prepared to offer you a three -book

deal. Shut up!

closet full of those wraparound skirts for fat -ass girls?

Remind me when I'm not so busy starting a business to kick your ass.

No! Seriously, I can't even fit into my black Prada capris and they're 2 %

spandex. Tony, you're pregnant.

What'd you think? You were gonna be able to carry your baby in a tote bag?

Is that an option?

Tony. What?

It'll be Gucci. You know I love my baby.

Tony, get a grip. You went from a side... one to a one and a half. The

that can tell you're pregnant is you. Exactly.

Exactly. Everybody else thinks I'm fat. Nobody thinks you're fat.

Yes, they do. I see the way they're looking at me.

Same way you're looking at me.

I'm looking at you like you're crazy.

Crazy fat.

Joan, you're not getting it. You know the women in my family, after one baby,

they're on fat disability.

I don't have time for this, okay? Get out of my face.

girl panty.

Where'd you get yours from?

Yes, a three -boat deal.

I don't know, Mommy. Mm -hmm. I'm thinking Santa Clarita or Calabasas. You

girl, I've always fantasized about living in one of those fancy gated

communities. Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. No, I'm serious.

Satellite TV. Anyway, yeah, you know, I might give me some TiVo, but I don't

want...

to call you back. William is tripping again.

I don't know something about work, but I'll call you right back. You know how

is. No, it won't be long.

Better be good.

Did you prove this?

I always do.

Then read it to me.

Ash... Flaubert... Gervet...

Blagohort.

fingers might have slipped off the home row. You know, I mean, I was doing my

nails. You need to retype that A -S -A -P.

Or, in your parlance, would be F -D -S -O.

Well, William, that's gonna have to wait until tomorrow, okay? Because I'm off

the clock.

Well, then you're gonna have to do it for free.

Get typing.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, William.

I told you that I have three books to outline.

Intervision Press has given me a three -book deal.

Great! Whoopee! I couldn't be happier.

But when you're here, you work for me.

Maya, we've been over this a thousand times. Good God, woman, I even put you

probation.

Yeah, I bet you wish you hadn't already played that card.

You ain't got nowhere to go.

How about we go here?

You're fired.

Boy, you funny.

I'm serious, Maya.

You're fired.

You and I both know that you are more than just a little bit scared of me.

Okay? So what we're going to do is we're going to pretend that this whole thing

never happened. And I'm going to get to this when I get to it.

I just want to point out to you that I am calling security not because I'm

afraid of you, but because it's standard procedure in these situations.

You're firing me. Hold that thought.

I have a code for situation.

On the 28th floor.

You're firing me? Please hurry.

You know what, William?

You don't have to fire me.

Because my heart hasn't been into this job.

And lately, my head hasn't been in it. And you know what? My ass ain't in it.

Because I quit.

So you don't want to collect unemployment?

I am so fired, boo.

You've been pregnant, and your body never completely bounced back from

your host of fat.

So, tell me what you did so I could do the opposite.

Tony, remind me when I'm not so focused on my riding career to kick your ass.

Uh, don't let this baby belly fool you. I'll wear you out.

Oh, my God. Oh, no, you can see it, too. My hips are spread.

I gotta call my agent.

Why? What's he gonna do for my hair? Would you shut up?

Hi, yes, this is Maya Wilkes. I need to speak to Tim Carnowich, please.

Lynn! What? Hey, Maya, what's up?

So what are you doing there?

Uh, I work here.

Since when?

Since I met Tim at your party.

We dated for a while, and we broke up.

We parted first.

Now I think we're in a really good place.

Well, at least I am. I don't know about him.

Anyway, he needed a temp, and I was free.

Turns out this place is a goldmine for my paparazzi business, girl.

The other day, I got a picture of Scott Baio in the junk.

Let's just say I had to use my wide angle.

Okay, I don't give a damn about any of that, okay? Would you just put Tim on

phone?

I'm sorry, he's out to lunch. Can I take a message?

Let me ask him lunch. It's 10 .30 in the morning.

I'm sorry, did I say lunch? He's in a meeting.

He quit playing and put me through.

I'm sorry. He's gone for the day. We'll be in touch.

Lynn! Lynn!

Lynn.

Oh, yes. May I help you?

I need to speak to him.

And you are?

About to go off.

Oh, my God. You must be the infamous Maya Wilk.

Pleasure to meet you in person. We've only spoken over the phone.

Lynn? Could you please get me Tim, please? I told you.

He's gone for the day.

That's why this relationship works, because you and I, we speak the same

language. Now, go on home, knock out those rewrites, and I'll work on getting

you some jimmies.

It's a metaphor.

Look, it's Tim's twin brother, Tom.

Hey, Maya.

Stop playing me. Yeah, Lynn, stop playing her.

I don't want Maya to think that we're giving her the runaround here. Come on.

What about to give Maya the runaround memo?

Not this, Maya.

Maya, I was just about to Clay to tell you to talk to Lynn and schedule

something. But since you're here, let's cut out the middleman. Talk to Lynn.

Schedule something. I'm in a meeting.

Wait. Clay.

Okay, Maya.

Let's see. I'm looking at February.

How are you, Morton?

Could you please stop it?

Please.

Could you please stop being an assistant for one minute and be my friend?

Okay, girl, I need to know what's going on. Please.

Wait, am I still going to get my three -book deal?

Okay, look, Maya, I am just the temp here, okay? Nobody tells me anything. I

don't have all the information, but... No, girl, you ain't going to get it.

Okay.

Okay, well, what about my second check from Oh Hell Yes?

When can I start expecting that?

Well, you can start expecting it right now.

Oh, thank God.

But it ain't going to come.

that I was negligent in my duties as your assistant, and that my attitude and

vocabulary were both very inappropriate and totally uncalled for, and I cannot

blame you for firing me.

But now, on this day, I have come in here with a brand -new attitude, a

work ethic, and my rent a very real issue.

I was hoping that we could wipe the slate clean.

You know, start fresh.

Begin anew.

Try to get that feeling again.

Maya, I know it took a lot for you to come in here today. Yes, it did.

Especially with you being on the security watch list.

And I accept your apology.

Thank you.

William, I'll just go right downstairs and get my things. They're in the car

I can start right away. I'd love to help you out.

I really would, but I've already hired your replacement.

Okay. Well, then just let her go.

Well, that's not going to happen for two reasons.

One, she's a he.

Two, he's flawless.

I love him. He changed my life. I didn't know it could be like this.

Come on, William. Okay, no one can be that great.

The hell?

Avery, could we... Yes, Mr. Dent.

Avery, I'd like you to meet Maya. Hello, Maya. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Uh -huh, whatever.

Avery, how's that memo? Memo to the managing partners.

Awaiting your signature, then ready to go out.

Excellent, excellent.

And, uh, have you... Updated the prospective clients list. You'll find a

your Lotus Notes, and I cc'd all the senior partners as you requested.

Well done.

Um, how about my own... Your afternoon donut?

Still warm.

Avery, you are... The best.

Please, I'm just doing my job.

Okay, new task.

I need this typed, proofed, collated, stapled, and distributed by three o

'clock. Can you do it? Oh, hell yes.

Oh, hell no.

Oh, no, it's a book. Oh, hell yes.

I found a copy of it in one of my drawers.

It's amazing.

It seems like it was written for black women, and yet I totally relate it.

I feel like I can conquer the world.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a brief to prepare and distribute all up and

through.

You know how I do.

Isn't he just the bee's maid?

So, that's why I was in such shock when I saw my body in the mirror.

It's no longer the...

Sculpted masterpiece at once, wasn't it?

Oh, I hear you, girl.

You do?

Mm -hmm. Oh, thank God one of my girlfriends finally understands.

Unlike those few other self -centered hags who call themselves my friends.

Connie, what is it you're afraid of?

Stretch mark?

Wide hips? Sagging breasts?

You know what?

I guess I'm afraid that I won't be fabulous.

After the baby's born.

And if I don't have my fabulous, then what do I have left?

You know what?

I know this beautiful spiritual chant that will put your mind at ease about

the changes that are going on inside your body. Great, great. What is it?

um, you just repeat.

Dustin?

Dustin? Dustin?

Dustin?

Okay, Tony, that was not the chant. I'm working.

Dustin!

start a new business?

Why do I smell bacon?

No, girl, do an extra.

I'm sorry. You sound like you need a hug. What about me? I need a hug.

You need to drain yourself in a Folgers

can.

You know what? Get her a little greasy ass.

What am I going to do?

Why don't you just hire her?

You need help with your stupid business. She needs a stupid job.

It's actually a really good idea.

Of course it is.

the kind I have.

I do need help.

I mean, what do you... Maya, are you interested?

I don't know. Well, I can only hire you part -time and there wouldn't be any

benefits, but at least we'd be back together.

Well, it's either that or slit my wrist.

So, Maya, what do you think?

The Brazilian red or the Venetian ruby?

Uh, I don't know.

Girl, I'm kind of liking the Brazilian... You're right. Oh, God,

is perfect.

Can you write that down so I don't forget?

Okay.

You know, Joan, I've had some ideas about the upholstery for the booth, and

was thinking... Oh, you know what?

Maya, I totally forgot that I have a meeting tomorrow. I am out of mascara.

Can you get me some of this?

It's the Maybelline New York XXL Volume Plus Length. This is what it looks like.

And you're telling me this because... Because I want you to buy me some. Here.

And don't forget to drop off my dry cleaning.

Remember, no crease in the slacks, no plastic on the shirts, and no wire

hangers. Ever. Ha!

Shouldn't you be writing this down?

to see how my investment is shaping up.

Your investment is shaping up just fine. Now move on.

Your Jedi mind tricks have no effect on me.

Still haven't found a job yet, Ma?

Oh, no, of course I found a job. I'm working for John.

Crawford.

And she is a godsend. I don't know where I'd be without her.

As an investor in this business, I feel I have the right to ask you how you can

afford an assistant.

I can afford... afford an assistant with your investment.

All right, hold it there.

So you're telling me that once again I'm paying Maya not to do work for me?

That's right.

I'll teach you to fire me, won't I?

Watch it, Sassy.

I happen to have a little good news for you. Oh, what? Did Super Assistant die?

Well, if he did, he'd still be twice the assistant you were.

I called your publisher, threw around some of my legal know -how.

And I got the rights to your book back.

I also got you your second check. For real, William?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Give me your book.

Oh, thank you. Oh, my God.

William, that is so great.

And it's perfect timing, too, because, Maya, I need you to go by the bank for

me.

honest with you, okay?

My heart hasn't really been into this job.

And my head hasn't been into it either. And I'm an assing in it because I quit.

So why don't you go and take your little XXL and as for your dry cleaning, you

know what you can do with your dry hangers, okay? Because I'm free.

And by the by, pick a new color.

We're opening a restaurant, not a whorehouse.

I'm waiting to hear back from NASA, but I'll put you in second position.