Original subtitles

Tony, what part of let's share the dessert didn't you understand?

This baby is hungry.

No, your baby is Jabba the Hutt.

Don't call my baby out his name. You don't hear me talking about your booty's

big head, do you?

Okay, first of all, Jabari does not have a big head.

What happens is that his shoulders are very narrow.

And you know what they say, the narrower the shoulders, the broader the mind.

Which brings us back to that big old head.

Okay, would you please get off of my son's head?

Okay. It's not like you're perfect.

Is that hit on my stomach? Because pregnant or not, I'm still skinnier than

y 'all, and I got a man.

Or sort of. I think that's nice.

Todd's coming home?

Yeah, for the baby's three -month appointment.

Okay, and you haven't been yapping about it all week and worrying us to death?

Tony, I am proud of you.

Well, the reason I haven't been worrying you guys is because I've been too busy

plotting, planning, and laying traps.

I'm trying to get my life back the way it was before.

You mean like when your man left you and you made a fool of yourself in New

York?

No, when I was happily married and everything was about me.

You hear that, kid? It was all about me. Me, me, me.

Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick.

Jeez, it's beach, I don't like ugly.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

I didn't think you two could be more fabulous.

Okay, listen, kid.

If you screw up tonight for me, I have two words for you.

Walmart clothes.

Hello, little

big boy.

What's going on?

This is your welcome home party.

Let me unwrap.

Your gift.

Not now.

Okay.

Lights on.

Freaky.

Tony, stop.

I'm just here for the three -month checkup. Oh, yeah. Remind me to...

that. What time did I say it was again?

I don't know, Tony. Look.

I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted.

Well, you should be exhausted working night and day on that stupid reality

If you want reality, I'm here.

I'm real.

I'm ready to lay it on you for real.

Tony, didn't you hear me? I'm exhausted.

Well, you wouldn't be if you quit that job and moved back home. Well, the baby

on the way. I need this job now more than ever. No.

What you need is some of my good stuff.

No. what I need is a shower.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll just meet you in there. Alone, Tony.

Hmm.

That's probably for the best. All those New York bagels got you a little hippie.

Guys,

it's like 11 o 'clock at night. What the hell are we still doing here?

We're here because we don't have live.

And I don't have a man.

Oh, and Tony is skinnier.

Yeah.

My son's head is kind of big.

Hey, guys.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

We're just popping in for a quick drink.

We're heading over to Williams for a midnight dip in a hot tub.

We better get going, baby.

Enjoy your little girl's night out.

I hate her.

Bet. Guys, stop. I'm overhating Monica.

Why? She's in love with your man.

Yo, man, I'm sorry, girl. I still wake up laughing at that one.

William is not my man.

I've moved on.

Having no man.

Being fatter than a pregnant woman.

Ah, hell.

Order me a cheesecake and a side of ice cream.

Oh, and a pie.

Waiter!

William's friend we met a few months ago.

Oh, Blue Bar, right? Right.

So, hey.

Hey.

Yeah.

Nice seeing you. Oh, you too.

Oh, and good luck on your new restaurant.

William told me about it the other night at dinner.

Dinner? Oh, yeah. We went to this fabulous restaurant.

So, you and William went to dinner?

Is that a problem? Because I thought you two were just friends. Oh, we are. Just

friends. Nothing more. No siree. Not on your life.

Why? Did he say something about me?

No, no, no. Nothing like that. It's just, you know, some men can be real

Yeah. And thank God there's some good ones out there.

Like William. Right.

Kara.

Gosh.

I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't say something.

I mean, I'm not one to speak out of turn, you know, be all up in people's

business, you know, open their Kool -Aid without knowing whether it's from a

package or sweet, you know.

Look, um... William is seeing another woman.

What? Oh, I wish it weren't so, but it is so, so, so sorry.

Who is she?

We are in business together. I mean, this is already getting a little messy

here. I am not saying another word. I've already said too much.

All right.

I understand.

Oh, God, you're relentless.

Okay. God.

Her name is Monica.

And if you want to know where she lives, I'll drive you up there. Come on.

Kind of cozy in here, huh?

Yeah, cozy is cold, sterile, and kind of small.

Well, you should know how small turns me on.

Tony, stop it.

Look at those shoes. They gave you slippers.

You're right.

I've been naughty.

Spank me.

What are you doing?

Trying to play horny doctor and naughty Latina.

Hi, puppy.

Tony. Whoa, get a room. Preferably not this one.

See, that kind of nookie's what got you in here in the first place.

Hi, doctor.

This is my husband. See, I told you I had one. Hi, Garrett.

Dr. Couch.

So, anything new to report? Any problems with your pregnancy?

Oh, the only problem I've been having is being so lonely from missing my baby

daddy, but I found a cure.

Isn't that right, lover?

Well, your heart rate seems to be okay. Your temperature's right on target.

Apparently, your hormones are having a bizarre effect on your behavior. Well,

maybe you should check my temperature again, because I've been very hot.

For my husband.

Stop. This is embarrassing. Now, now, Dr. Garrett, you better get it while you

can. In a few months, it's going to be like trying to make rain in the Sahara.

Rain in the Sahara.

All righty, then. Let's get to the main event.

Okay? Tony, would you mind laying back, please?

I'm going to have to put a little of this gel on your abdomen. It may be a

little cold.

Oh. Okay?

Here we go.

Oh, there it is.

There's a heartbeat.

Todd, do you hear it?

Todd, do you hear it? That's your baby. Todd, Todd, do you hear it? That's your

baby. No, it's just screaming in my ear.

Dr. Couch, Dr. Frisco is on line one. All right, I'm going to have to take

You'll have to excuse me.

Doctor? Thank you.

Wow.

I'm going to be a father.

Todd, I knew it.

All you had to do was hear it, then you'd know we belong together.

We're a family.

I know, I know it's going to take us some time to get back on track, but at

least now we're both on the same page. Stop it.

Stop acting like this baby is a magic wand that's going to fix everything.

But you just hugged me. It was a reflex.

Reflex?

Tony, this is hard for me.

You still love me. Yes, I do.

Then what's the problem?

Let's work it out, Todd.

I don't want to talk about this now. Then when?

When? I'm sick and tired of not knowing.

It's real simple, Todd. Either you want me or you don't. All right, Tony.

I didn't want to talk about this now, but I do want to be a father to this

but I don't want to be your husband.

I've already consulted an attorney, and he's drawing up separation papers.

I want a divorce.

How did it go?

Did you hear the heartbeat? That stupid little schmuck. Tony, stop talking about

the baby. That way they can hear everything.

Todd, your daddy's a stupid little schmuck.

Tony, what happened?

Todd has the nerve to say, our marriage is over.

Has he been saying that for months now?

But now he's saying it to an attorney.

Guys, he wants a divorce.

Oh, gosh.

Tony, what are you going to do?

I'm going to fight fire with fire.

I'm going to make it so hard for him every step of the way, I'm going to get

nastiest damn divorce attorney in Beverly Hills. Whatever he throws at me,

throw it right back at him twice as hard. I'm going to put him through the

wringer and take every penny that he doesn't have. At the end of the day,

come crawling back, begging me for mercy, and then we will live happily

after.

Girl, you've got to be realistic about this, okay?

If Todd has already contacted a lawyer,

there may not be any happily ever after.

The hell?

There will be some happiness all up and through.

Todd wants a divorce.

You are pregnant.

Face reality.

I mean, you may be a single mother and you need to prepare for that.

But Todd is excited about being a father. That doesn't mean he wants to be

you.

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but I mean, you need to stop looking at

this baby as a means to an end.

Maybe it's time to refocus and figure out what it's going to be like to raise

this baby alone.

Girl, come on. You're not going to be totally alone, okay?

You got us.

Yeah, but don't count on me, because I'm kind of going through something right

now.

Lynn?

What's going on? I'm fighting the suspension of my mortuary cosmetology

What?

Okay, let me ask you.

Wouldn't it make for a happier funeral if the deceased looked like a clown?

Carol.

William.

Monica.

Start. Speak now.

Double.

Look, before you two start in on what a no good brother I am. And don't forget

trifling. Dan, sorry. I was honest with the both of you from the beginning.

No strings, no commitments, no cuddling after. That's where I am in my life

right now.

But if you two aren't interested, then I can respect that. But no apologies.

He is honest.

And so damn sexy when he's taking control of the situation.

But still, I don't share no man.

I mean, look at me.

Look at me.

Oh, you're doing a pinch, but I'll be damned if I'm going to back off and let

you have her. Oh, please.

I'll take care of him so well he won't have a need for you. Now, I know this

Amazon did not just this.

Perhaps we should take this someplace where it's safer to wrestle.

You know what, William?

Keep seeing this hustle.

It'll just make me look better.

Enjoy your dinner, Kara. And, William, see you for dessert.

Now that I know all about this mess, I can clean it up.

And I need to thank your friend, Joan, for giving me the heads up.

Joan!

Come on in.

Well, Joan, your little plan has backfired.

What little plan?

The one where you try and throw salt in my game.

William, the day you have game is the day I want to marry you and have a

of your corny ass, damn collecting, Republican -loving, ashy -kneed little

Oh, my God.

It finally makes sense to me.

You're trying to sabotage my relationships, your constant bickering,

looked at my butt the other day.

You want me.

Me? Want you?

You must be crazy.

And about your butt, I was looking. But, hint, they sell low -carb now.

Avoidance. Classic Joan Clayton. For once, be honest with yourself.

I've just been so scared to tell you.

I can't hide it anymore.

We belong together.

I don't know why it took me so long to admit it. I love you.

And I want you.

Not!

You

thought

I was serious.

every time I see you.

Face it, you're jealous.

Of what, cuckoo man?

The fact that I have women waiting by the phone and you're waiting for the

train to Old Maidsville.

What women, huh? Your mama?

Or that gross woman who waxes your back? Or Nada?

Who's Nada?

Nada, chance in hell you got women waiting by the phone.

Get ready to pick your face up off the floor.

Hello? Hey, Monica.

Hey, sweetie.

So I'm going to see you later for dessert?

I'll be waiting.

So, what does that mean?

Huh? Shh, woman.

Hello? Hey, Carol.

Hey, William.

Am I going to see you tomorrow for breakfast?

got options baby what have you got oh please you think you're the only one

that's got options william i've got so many options that my options have

that have other options optioning and then just give me this uh

uh put it on speakerphone

Next stop, Old Maidsville.

Continuing on to Bittertown and Barrenwood.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Where have you been all day? I called you.

I've been doing what you said. You know, thinking about my future and about the

pregnancy, about being a single mom, and I've made some decisions.

Don't be.

That's great.

I'm not having the baby.

What? Todd's not coming back.

I need to move on, get my life back on track. You guys are right.

Look, Tony, that is not what we meant.

Yeah, we just wanted you to get excited about the baby for the right reason.

Okay, listen.

The only reason I was going through with the whole thing was because of Todd.

If Todd's not in the picture, what's the point? I never wanted to be a mother,

and I still have some time to do something about it. Tony, come on. Look,

there's other options.

Like what?

Adoption. Yes.

What if my mother thought that about me?

Okay, you know, Tony, you might not want to be a mother, but somebody out there

does. Why would I want to ruin my fabulous body for somebody I don't even

Then you need to rethink the single mom thing.

Okay, girl, your life doesn't stop just because you're a single mother.

Yeah, look at Maya.

She's never with her kids.

What about Todd?

This is his baby, too. You can't make a decision about something like this all

by yourself. Why not?

He decided that this marriage is over. I figure it's my turn to make some

decisions.

No, no, no.

No, she's right.

I am selfish.

I'm a selfish bitch. I know it, and so do you guys.

That's why I screwed up being a wife, and that is why I will screw up being a

mother. Okay, so I'm just going to go back to being selfish, fabulous, solo

Tony. As a matter of fact, let's toast to it.

Hey! Can I get a gin and tonic? Tony, stop it.

You're just acting.

Don't tell me what I'm doing, Joan.

You're just mad because you don't like my decision. If you guys can't respect

it, too bad. Sit here and cry about it.

I'll have my drink someplace else. Tony. Leave me alone. Tony, wait a minute.

Shut up and leave me alone. Tony.

Tony.

Oh, my God. Tony.

Tony, are you okay?

Are you okay?

Hey, Tony.

Hey, girl.

Hey. The minute I fell.

I didn't think about my shoes, or my nails, or even Todd.

All I thought about was my baby. Oh, my God.

Please, get me to a hospital.

Okay, come on.

Go slow.

Hey, sweetie.

Gave Mom a little scare.

Well, the doctor said you're going to be all right.

Now, I know you heard it.

Daddy's trying to divorce me, but don't worry.

Men don't always get what they want, like on prom night.

We'll discuss that a little later.

Oh, sweetness.

I just want you to know that I love you so much.

And I can't wait to meet you.

But look here.

I'm a petite little thing. Don't be popping out with no big old bobblehead.