Original subtitles

Jabari, you've got to stop asking people if they recognize me, okay?

You know I'm only famous if they spot me.

Yeah, but you're in a book. You got crazy cash.

Boy, you are so crazy, okay? Rich people don't shop at big lots. They live on

bigger lots.

So, Mom, $25 ,000 is a lot of cash.

Okay, you know what, Jabari? Let me show you what your mama did with her $25

,000, okay?

I want you to look at this.

Right? I paid off the credit cards, taxes, tuition, and put aside money for

college fund.

Oh, you did all that? Mm -hmm. And my budget book says I still have $300 left.

That there is my mad money baby.

Actually, Mom, it's $500.

I'm tracking wrong.

I see that.

Two.

Oh, hot damn! Look at that!

You're right!

Okay. My baby is so smart.

No, your baby's rich.

You owe me a dollar for the curse jar.

Hell no.

No? Yeah, me too.

Here.

Why? Mm -hmm. You only said two curse words. The day is young. You're being a

pain in my ass. I got two more coming.

Oh, Maya, these are snazzy.

$495 for some shoes? Oh, hell no. Yes.

Oh, hell yes.

Girl, don't forget the mantra that's going to make us millions.

Tomorrow's your birthday.

Splurge. Try to put a splurge in all $500 in one spot.

Well, what did you plan on doing? Diving it up over 500 trips to the 99 -cent

store? I don't know.

Look, you know what?

I know the manager here, so maybe I can get you some sort of deal.

I don't really want to do this because he's kind of weird.

He's always hitting on me.

But it's your birthday.

Now, what the hell?

Trent!

Hey, seven medium.

You ready to let a brother hook up those pretty brown arches?

Actually, I brought you a new customer, and she wants the Joan treatment.

With or without the foot massage?

Without.

Honey, I'm going to have this salmon. What are you going to have? Oh, I can't

even think about food. Morning sickness, my ass. For me, it's been all damn day

sickness.

Honey,

let the bathroom do that.

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm ruining your lunch. It's not just me.

Everybody's looking.

Oh, well, excuse me. I'm just carrying life here.

Joan, everybody in the world seems to have a problem with my pregnancy.

Especially my husband.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean to be insensitive.

I know you're going through a lot.

I mean, my God, Todd leaves you pregnant, and now he won't even talk to

what's the ETA on this activity?

Just know that I'm praying for you and Todd, okay?

Thank you, Joe.

Sometimes I feel so alone in all of this. Sweetheart, you know I'm always

for you. God, Tony, will you go outside and do that by yourself?

Hi, William.

Your friends should at least mask their contempt.

I know I do.

Hello, Jones.

Hey, do you remember Monica? Of course she does.

She's Joan and I are old friends.

Oh, William tells me you could practice in law. What are you doing with yourself

now? I'm actually working on a few ideas.

Yeah, of course you are. Excuse me, miss.

Grab us a table.

Something tucked away would be nice.

So you don't want to go join her in the bathroom?

No. We just do that on airplanes.

Not much novelty to the sea level club.

You know, we haven't really talked since we got back from New York.

How you doing?

Good.

Did you get my message?

Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't return your call. I've been swamped. Really?

With what?

I have a life to plan, William.

I'm busy, too. At least I can return a phone call.

Yeah, well, that's what makes me me and you you, though. Ta -ta.

Bye -bye. Don't mock me, William.

Okay. Well, uh, we can all just get caught up at Maya's birthday party.

going, right, Joan?

I don't plan my life, William. I live it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a life to plan.

Live.

Stop mocking me.

So sad when the unemployed start drinking.

pregnancy is messing with my eyesight, but are those blue boots?

Yes. Did you get them out of my closet?

No, please. I got these for my birthday.

Yes, and don't hate. She bought them with her mad money.

Girl, you gonna be swimming in mad money now that you got your book deal.

Oh, which reminds me.

I'm working on getting you a boot down at the International Weave and Hairpiece

Forum down at the forum.

We can tie your book in with a new product I'm working on called the Oh

Weave. Get it? If someone asks, is that your real hair?

You say, oh hell yes.

Honey, I just don't weave hair. I weave concepts.

Lynn,

is something up with Joan?

Oh, well, let's see.

She's neurotic, hopelessly single.

Neurotic about being hopelessly single.

Sounds like normal Joan to me.

It's just that ever since New York, things have been awkward between us.

First, she doesn't return my phone call. Then I bump into her and she runs off

acting crazy, muttering about having a life.

She said she had a life?

That is crazy.

Hey, Maya.

Happy birthday!

I'm sorry I'm late. That's okay.

Oh, here you go.

Oh, and this is my date, Trent.

You remember Maya and Ronnie and this is Lynn and, oh yeah, that's William.

Um, were we supposed to bring dates?

Count them chicken breasts. What do you think?

Well, William brought Monica, didn't he? No, William brought a bottle of wine.

You just brought another mouth to feed.

Um, no offense, Trent, but you might want to fill up on the crew today.

Hey, Joan.

Hey, Judy.

What are you doing with our shoe guy?

We're dating.

You know, going on dates and stuff.

You and our shoe guy?

Yeah.

He's pregnant.

Taquitos.

Nice setup, William.

What are you talking about?

You said you were bringing Monica.

When? You said we would all catch up at Maya's birthday.

Yeah, all of us.

What does that have to do with Monica?

Nothing. I knew that.

Look, you know what, William? I let you down as easily as I could. So let's just

relax and be friends, okay? Because all these games are childish and

unnecessary.

Would you fix me a drink, sweetie?

All I'm saying is the shoes tell you everything you need to know about a

For example, you can tell from my Kenneth Cole fall collection lace -up

with the double -stitch detail that I have European style and a great sense of

humor.

Ain't that right, baby, too?

Is that pregnancy?

No.

Does anyone want more of William's wine?

Just bring me the bottle.

Oh, I...

Well, since you brought it, you've got to serve it. What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me. I'm just having a wonderful evening with a wonderful

man. And if that's wrong, then I don't want to be right.

What's up?

Indeed. You think because your cold, hard, cap -tone lace -ups are a perfect

match for her white dick or keep them all glitter -luba thongs, you can move

on my girl?

What?

Just now.

Baby toe is mine.

What?

Happy birthday, Maya! Hey!

I didn't want to come empty -handed.

What else did I want to get out of my car?

So, I bought these off the guy who forcibly washed my window. Good deal,

hundred bucks.

Hey, you guys. I want you to meet Tam Carnovich, my hot new literary agent.

Oh, please. You're embarrassing me. Hey, if anyone's hot... I mean, it's her.

I'm just here to make sure she cleans up.

I mean, cleans up financially.

I don't mean to suggest that Maya would be cleaning for me.

No. I haven't had a black housekeeper since I was a little boy.

Not that I don't support black business. This $200 bean pie speaks to that.

MK, talk to me.

Excuse me.

Are you firing me as your agent?

My agent?

Boy, please.

Your nipple ring must be on too tight.

Well, ain't this a blip?

As soon as her sister gets her 40 acres and a mule, she gets herself a white

man. Wait, wait. Are you serious?

As sickle cell.

Did I or did I not wheel and deal to get you hooked up with Intervision Press?

Did I or did I not get you first class accommodations in New York?

Oh, hell.

Did I or did I not all but put those lubus on your crusty little feet?

Wait, wait, wait, Ronnie.

Please. You ain't nobody's agent.

All you did was take a phone call in between the birds.

Child, without me, you would still be peddling that homemade pamphlet down at

the swap meet in your jelly.

Okay, come on, Ronnie, please. You don't know anything about being an agent.

We're family.

It's business.

You know what?

I am tripping.

Thank you. This is business.

That's all this is trying to say to you. That's why I'm going to need my 10 %

commission off your land.

What's this? What's this? Who's talking 10 %? Wait, ain't nobody getting 10 % of

any of that money, okay? You, Tim, I just signed, and you, I didn't never

Oh, we're talking past money? No, 10K is all about future money.

Love the idea. Yeah.

Go ahead. Huh?

Whoa, hold on.

Forgot I was in the hood.

Am I beneath Wilkes?

My blood pressure is rising, so I'm going to make this simple.

I want my money, you little backstabbing biatch.

Okay, what was that?

You know, I really don't know. Okay, and on my birthday too?

He's tripping.

Maya, why would he think he's your agent? I mean, have you ever talked to

about representing you? Like I said. all he did was answer a phone call. Okay,

but it was me selling the book. You know, yeah, he inspired me to turn my

into a book. And, yeah, he let me sell the book out of his shop. You know, but

he may have said something about, you know, being my agent and taking 10%. If

this goes to court, you may want to play the race card.

That's real lawyerly.

What is it with you? Hey, step off my baby's hip.

What?

Look, he may have said all that, okay? But we all know that Ronnie's just one

big old drama queen, okay? We're family.

Yeah, he helped me out. But you know what? That is no different from us

each other out. Like, Lynn, when I asked you to put my towels in the dryer, you

don't take 10 % of my towels.

Actually, that's how I've been playing it.

You know what?

Ronnie and I always fight and we always make up. This is what we do.

And I'm sure by the time I go and get my hair done on Saturday, I'll be as sad

as my wife.

Let's, uh, let's just say that, like my weave, Ronnie and I are hanging on by a

thread.

Well, you better do something, because you can't keep walking around looking

like you just lost a fight with a weed whacker.

But he won't talk to me.

He'll talk to me.

You know, the gay boys love me.

Ronnie. Okay, Ronnie.

Look, I'm not here to talk about who's right or who's wrong or who owes what to

whom. I'm just here to show you a toe -up mess.

Exhibit A, B, and C.

Unless you have a picture of that heifer writing me a check, I'm not interested.

Oh, my word, this is a hair of cause.

Somebody rev up the situation, Style Mobile. We are on a mission to mercy,

I'm going to need backup.

Presses, curlers, crimpers, grab your gear. This is not a dream.

Nobody is going anywhere.

But, Ronnie, we took an oath.

Anyone who leaves this salon is fired.

Like I said, that nappy head heifer can rot in hell.

Come on, Ronnie, this is stupid.

Tell me, what makes you think you're entitled to that money? It's not like

and Maya had a contract.

In order to have a legally binding contract, you need the following things.

Offer, acceptance, consideration, mutuality of obligation, and a meeting

minds. So it's so.

Facto. You owe him his money.

So Ronnie picked up legalese for dummies. Let me talk to him. See what he

when he goes up against a... A what?

An unemployed junior partner who wasn't senior partner material?

Girl, they're words, not mine.

Okay, Joan, just so that we're clear, you're going in as my friend, not my

lawyer. Because I don't want you boohooing about billable hours.

Fool me once.

Shame on you, Maya.

I didn't know he's been doing your hair for free every week for the last 15

years. Well, so what? We're family. Maya, if he had been charging you, you'd

him $35 ,000.

Plus tip.

Obviously, I'm the only one here who knows how to negotiate. Now, catch me up

the particulars, but keep it brief, because y 'all know I'm pregnant, and I

a very short attention span.

Hey.

Well,

did you see Ronnie?

Yeah.

You like?

Talk to you privately.

Excuse me.

So, are you ready to work your way from employee discount to free of charge baby

toe?

I find that disturbing on so many levels.

I got your messages.

All 31.

And I just felt that I owed it to you to come down here and say this to you in

person. This isn't working.

Oh. You don't return a pair of shoes after wearing them once.

Trent, let me explain this to you in a way that you can understand.

You're a strong and rugged man like a pair of Cresta hiking boots.

But at the end of the day, I'm not thinking about Cresta. I'm thinking

Blahnik, Chew, and Lubu.

Joan, those are all women's shoes. What are you trying to say, you're a lesbian?

Yes. Big one.

Hey!

So, are you here for some shoes or for some storeroom lovin', baby toe?

I'm not seeing Trent anymore, William. All right. You know what?

I don't need your commentary on my love life.

First you claim to have a life.

Any claim to have a love life? Look, it's your work.

By the way, I love those shoes you had on at Maya's party last night.

Oh.

You noticed my shoes?

Yes. I thought they'd look totally hot on Monica. That's why I'm here.

To get her a pair.

What were they called?

William, Monica cannot wear my shoes.

Of course not. Monica's got dainty feet.

You're over there straddling a pair of banana boats.

William?

A woman doesn't want another woman wearing her shoes.

I'll get them in taupe.

William, don't you get what... Don't you get what I'm saying?

No, but I never do.

So that's okay.

Look, when we got back from New York, I was afraid things were going to be

awkward between us.

Then he started acting all crazy, and I thought it was because of what had

happened. But then it hits me, you are crazy.

And that's okay.

So we're okay.

Come on, give me a hug, baby toe.

You're barking up the wrong tree.

Baby toe just came out the shoebox.

What?

Uh -oh.

Stop, drop, and roll.

Ronnie, we need to talk.

Okay, I'm tired of all the bickering, and I want the drama to end.

If you want the drama to end, why did you went to stage right looking on

Boulevard?

Peaches, this is not about my hair.

Well, it needs to be.

Okay, you know what?

I'm going to write you a check, okay, Ronnie, and swash that.

After consulting with my attorney, Joan Clayton Esquire...

I think this matter would be best settled in court.

Oh, you know what? Do not make me take this rap off my head.

Oh, for the love of God, no.

Give Nappy whatever she wants, Ronnie.

Clearly, this is what it's going to take to get some peace in the family and

hopefully get my hair done.

Do you even know what this is about? Yes, you've been whining about your

money, so here, here's your check. This was never about money.

It wasn't even about you just getting an agent.

It was about the way you did it. Without acknowledging my contributions to your

success.

Maya, I've known you since you were just a notion.

But your friends were all up and through the dedication.

You couldn't even name one of the hypothetical characters after me.

Ronnie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

for believing in me and encouraging me and negotiating on my

behalf. And I sincerely hope that $2 ,500 goes some

small way towards showing you my gratitude.

I'm going to certainly put your money where your mouth is.

Come here, girl.

And FYI,

Let you know, not for the matter, okay, that I had to pull that $2 ,500 out of

Jabari's college fund.

Hmm. Just because that boy got a fund doesn't mean he's going to college.

Okay, look.

If and when Jabari goes to college, I'm good for $2 ,500.

You gonna hang on to that money for six years? What about my interest?

Well, what about my tip?

We swear.

Who's doing me?

So you're telling me you get a dollar for each curse word your mom says?

Yep. And you're okay with a 50 -50 split?

That's cool.

All right.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey, Maya.

Watch the master.

Hey, uh, Maya, I'm here as apartment manager, and I'm gonna need the rent

The hell you are.

And your grandma's squirrels? Lost them.

Damn you, Lynn.

And you know that the day Tony called you ghetto?

Boozy bitch.