Original subtitles

These editors are idiots.

I don't even know how these notes apply to my self -help book.

Rape. Thanks, rape. She can't rape, really.

Maya, why are you rewriting Oh Hell Yes anyway? I thought you got on your high

horse and convinced them to do the book your way. Girl, I got bamboos.

You know how they do a black woman. Honey, wait till you cash your check to

your dollar bank for the next one.

Call you up a thousand crazy notes.

Damn, I crave.

So what you gonna do? Girl, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

My raisin steak, so I can eat these steaks. Girl, have me the ketchup.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

my birth father is a born -again butcher.

My birth mother is a bipolar bizarro.

I have no illusions left.

I'm free to be me.

Oh, good lord.

You mean you've been holding back?

Oh, you have no idea.

So, are you and your birth father going to keep in touch?

Well, we're going to do the email thing for a while. Then I'm going to kick it

up a notch, phone calls around the holidays, see if he sends me any cash.

You know, every once in a while you should mention how you worship trees.

Why? What's that going to get me?

Hopefully some help.

You know, I can't believe you didn't even take a picture of him. What does he

look like?

Well, you ever see Sanford and Son?

All right, all right, Todd. Enough fun and games. You've made your point, okay?

You're a big little man. You made me suffer. Now get home.

What do you mean why? Because I'm pregnant.

We're done with you, Lynn. What?

Oh, no, he didn't just hang up on me. Okay, whoa, whoa. Okay, Tony, Tony.

Sweetheart, um, I know that you're desperate and separated and alone, but

telling your husband you're pregnant?

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell y 'all I'm pregnant.

I know you want your husband back, but there's other ways. There's counseling.

There's time.

There's chopping off his leg so it can't go anywhere.

But lying, that's what's wrong.

Dad, I'm not lying. I'm six weeks pregnant.

Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England.

Well, then I'm pregnant, you heffiness.

Tony, don't lie to us, okay? We're all you've got left.

If anyone is lying here, it's you about William. Okay, I do not have feelings

for William. See what I mean?

Girl, don't try to deflect, but she right up.

But look, okay.

You guys are pissing me off. Why don't you believe me? Because we know you,

Tony. So Tony Childs isn't pregnant, huh?

Okay, okay.

So what is this ultrasound doing in my purse?

Hiding from whoever you stole it from.

Look at it.

What do you see?

A little dot.

That dot is the baby.

Let me see that. See?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm. Oh, mm -hmm. Look. Oh, twins.

It's me.

Tony. Okay.

You could have gotten this anywhere.

It doesn't even have your name on it. It doesn't even have the doctor's name on

it. Take that out with my cheap -ass doctor.

Okay, and what's this alleged doctor's name?

Dr. Couch. Oh.

What?

Who's his nurse?

Miss Throw Pillar?

Why would you say that when everyone knows that her name is Miss Bowl of

Popcorn?

Fine, you guys. Don't believe me.

And, oh, yeah, I forgot.

Kiss my ass.

Ah.

Good morning, Maya.

Glad to see you're already hard at work. On my book.

You've been on the clock for 45 minutes. Actually, an hour and a half. I need to

be over time.

Maya, where are the flowers?

Where's the Perrier?

Where are the scones?

William, don't fire me with perks, boy. Just give me a raise.

They're not for you, fool. They're for the Reverend Al Sharpton.

He's my 10 o 'clock appointment, remember?

Al Sharpton?

I thought your appointment book said Al Sharpton.

Haven't you noticed your print book in point here?

Why would I have you schedule time to sharpen pencils? The same reason you had

me schedule your potty breaks, because you're crazy.

By the way, you're 10 .30 as a woman.

Why would I even argue this with you? You scheduled the appointment.

No, I didn't. The tent did.

What tent?

The one I hired that you didn't know about the day I had to get my braids

out.

Look, we'll have to deal with this another time. Right now, I want you to

alive. Reverend Sharpton will be here any minute.

The Reverend Al Sharpton? Yes.

He's coming in to work out the details of his endorsement contract with Rye's

Beverages. Oh, hell, William.

Why don't you say something to me?

I would have gotten some flowers, some Perrier, some scones. Wouldn't have

reheated the same coffee from Friday.

Maya, you've got to be on the ball.

I'm a senior partner now. I've got senior partner clients.

Gone are the days we could put on the dog with smoke and mirrors.

He's going to be here any minute.

I'm going to be in my office creating the false impression that I am busy and

important.

My nose hair clippers are still in the top drawer.

Good morning, Reverend Al Sharpton.

Good morning. I'm here to see William Dent.

Of course.

Mr. Dent is actually on a conference call with the governor.

I'm Maya. Maya Woods is executive assistant.

Nice to meet you. Yes, yes. Sit down.

Can I offer you some water?

Some sharpened pencils?

I'm fine.

Sharpton, I just want to say that I thought your convention speech was just

brilliant. I'm going to vote for you. I'm not on the ballot.

Duh, I'm going to write you in.

Don't waste your vote. They stole the last one. Don't let them steal this one.

Okay, I heard that. I heard that.

Let me ask you a personal question, okay? I mean, you know, between you and

I don't know.

Now, is that a press and curl or a no lie relaxer?

That would be classified as none of your business.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that was a little too personal, huh?

Sorry. I'm just so excited to meet you. You know, you're like a renaissance man.

You know, you preach, you protest, you president.

Cheat.

And I ran into you about to have your own reality TV show called I Hate My

Well, you know what? Turn on the cameras because no one hates their job more

than me, okay?

Really, that's so... Surprising. You seem so good at it.

Well, thank you. Thank you for noticing. Yes, I am. I am.

However, it's not where my heart is.

I, too, like yourself, am about to become a published author.

Oh, good for you. Is he off that call?

Look here, look, the name of my book is called Oh, Hell Yes. It's in the self

-help genre. Now, here, go on and take it. Read it at your own leisure.

Now, if you like it, which I'm sure you will, would you mind writing the

foreword of my book if it ain't the foreword of me to ask? Wink, wink.

Maya, why didn't you tell me that Reverend Sharpton had arrived?

I would have wrapped up my call with the mayor.

Governor. Governor.

Reverend, it is a pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm William Dent. Please, come in.

Good to meet you.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

It's the way I was kept waiting.

Is she family?

Friend?

Does she have pictures of you doing ungodly things?

Unless she's copied them and replaced originals.

Brother, I can't think of any other reason she's still sitting out there.

I guess I'm a little perplexed myself.

Look, I love black people.

I protest.

I boycott.

I've gone to jail for our cause, but I wouldn't let any one of them bring me

down.

If you cannot handle your business, you may lose my business.

Capisce?

I realize we didn't have any scones, but good God, what did the woman do?

She took too many liberties.

I don't even tell my own family whether this is press and curl or no lie relax.

Or should you, Reverend?

I came here to read my contract, not her book.

I'll leave it to you to return it.

She gave you her book.

Well, I apologize, and I assure you this kind of behavior will not happen again.

Oh, hey, y 'all. Excuse me.

Okay, let's see. Here we go. Okay, come on.

I, of course, don't believe nothing.

Tony, for the record, I just want to say that I think the way Todd is treating

you is harsh and unreasonable.

Thank you, Joan.

And about the other day, I'm so sorry we jumped on you.

We know you're going through a lot.

Thank you for the apology.

But those are just words. If you really want to apologize, buy me something.

There's the Tony I know.

What do you want?

The buckaboo stroller and some onesies.

Tony, enough.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

Can I please get some sort of cracker and a club soda? Morning sickness.

Tony Childs, you are good. No, I am sick. Yes.

Yes, you are.

Okay? I never planned on getting pregnant. It was that one night where

mixing the drinks, and I don't know what she slipped me.

The next morning, Tyler was passed out on the floor, and my diaphragm was stuck

to the wall.

Tony, I'm your best friend, right? Right.

And so we're so close, we're like sisters. Uh -huh. We're like family.

like blood.

Yes, we are, Joan, which is why you, of all people, should believe me.

Okay. So, I'll tell you what.

If you look me straight in the eye and tell me that you're pregnant, so help me

God, I will believe you.

Joan, I'm pregnant.

All right, Tony, enough is enough.

Now get up out of those stirrups and stop embarrassing yourself.

You know, Tony, I have pulled a lot of cons in my day, but I have never rented

doctor's office in a Beverly Hills medical building.

Oh, wait, there was that one time.

No, that was Beverly Hills adjacent.

Oh, hell no.

Dr. Couch actually has his medical degree on the wall.

Okay, this scam is nothing. It's not thorough.

Oh, yeah, right. And who ever heard of Oogla Medical School?

Huh? Actually, it's UCLA.

What?

Damn. I knew I shouldn't have got LASIK in a strip mall.

This is Garrett.

I see you have the whole gang here with you today. I guess everyone's here to

see the baby, huh?

Yeah, right.

The baby.

Okay, look. Who in the hell are you? How much is she paying you? And why didn't

I get the gig?

Excuse me?

Listen.

I have a tipped uterus.

So I've been to an OBGYN office.

And I know an OBGYN office.

And this nurse's throw pillow is no OBGYN office.

Mrs. Garrett, what's going on? Lady, we're Tony's best friend, and we don't

believe she's pregnant. That's right.

We encourage our patients to have a minimum of stress during pregnancy.

Maybe you should get some new friends.

Just don't.

Oh, just don't. I was about to be rich.

Uh -huh.

Don't care so much.

Oh, my God. She's about to... There it

is.

That is the baby.

And that little flutter right there, that's the baby's heartbeat.

Oh, my God!

Now, won't you bitches please call my husband and tell him I'm pregnant?

I know, Todd, it's okay.

It's okay. Just come home.

Okay.

All right, bye.

Oh, my God!

We're gonna be aunties!

This is so cool.

Tony, just for the record, I knew you were pregnant. I was just playing along,

because you know how they ridicule me when I don't.

Girl, please, you can no squat. You barely know who your daddy is.

I'm the mother. I knew you were pregnant. I can always smell a bun in

Tony, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

Me too.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, don't be sorry, ladies. Be prepared, because you know y 'all are going to be

raising this baby.

Tony, you're going to have a little bundle of joy.

No, my husband's coming home.

Hi,

William.

Sorry I was late.

Here's your lunch.

Maya, I just got off the phone with Human Resources.

You're now officially on probation.

You've been warned.

You trying to fire me?

Maya, I've admonished you till I was blue in the face.

And I'm a black man, so that is very difficult to do.

Your little recess is over. We don't play on the senior partner floor.

All right, is this about last week's spa day?

Huh, that was work -related, because you know all your angst goes right to my

shoulders. Yes.

It's about your spa days. It's about your hair days. It's about your general

screw -you attitude. Well, you know what? My general screw -you attitude is

about to become more specific.

Look, it's one thing for me to bear the brunt of your unprofessionalism, but

it's unacceptable for a client to witness it.

Oh, which one of your crybaby clients said something, huh? They can't say it

my face?

I'm referring to your antics with Reverend Sharpton.

You gave him your book?

Oh, my God, Wayne, what'd he say? What'd he say? Did you like my book?

No!

He gave it back.

And he thought your behavior was inappropriate.

Sold out by a man of God.

We are in the end days.

And here I am trying to connect with the brother. You know, author to author.

He just did it because he ain't present.

Crab's in a barrel. Maya, you're not listening.

I finally made it to senior partner. I worked my ass off to get here, and I'm

not going to let you or anybody else mess that up for me.

Now, I need you to sign this probation letter.

You know what? I just have one little thing to say about your little probation

letter. It doesn't have to stop at probation.

I was going to say that it might not be legally binding with the E off of Wilks

and all.

But that's all right. I'll just write it in and initial it.

I think it's a

girl.

They say you carry girls all up high, and I feel really full up here.

Tony, that's not the baby.

That's the chocolate cookies you down in the bathroom at Whole Foods.

And when I need to eat, I need to eat. When I need to pee, I need to pee. And

I can kill two birds with one stone, more power to me.

Oh, Dave, what are you cooking?

Steak. Oh, uh -uh. Mm -mm. No, that smells like dead animal.

It is a dead animal. Well, I'm not feeling dead animal tonight.

The doctor's concerned with your iron levels.

Well, find me some chocolate chip cookies with some iron, because that's

feeling.

Tony, you have got to watch the way you eat. And did you take your vitamins

today? I took them from the cart of the medicine cabinet.

This is no joke.

You know pills make me gag.

In fact, just talking about pills makes me gag.

You okay?

I'm just a little nausea.

It'll pass if I ate a Snickers.

At least have some spinach. Come on, it's high in iron.

No, I'm not feeling spinach.

You know what?

Have it with some chocolate syrup.

Okay, now that I'm feeling.

Look at my husband pampering me.

Taking care of his wifey.

I think at some point we need to talk about the elephant in the

room.

I know.

I'm concerned with the height of our baby, too.

Because let's face it, you're a little thing.

Honey, that's not the elephant in the room. Oh, are you referring to your

propensity for gaining weight?

Tony! Look!

Todd, I forgive you, okay?

I forgive you for not coming home earlier.

You were wrong, and it cut like a knife that you didn't believe me, but you're

here now.

We have a fresh start.

Tony, I'm excited about the baby, but I'm still not excited about us.

We have problems. We're not back together.

Are you telling me we're not back together?

This baby's not going to fix what's wrong with us.

Well, what if I promise to take my vitamin?

Tony, I'm going back to New York.

Seriously, Todd. Okay, seriously.

What about us?

I don't know.

Revenal Sharpton, I just... I want to say that I am really sorry for crossing

the line.

Asking you to read my book and whatnot.

Sister, I was so excited to meet someone of your stature, and if I've offended

you, then I am truly, truly sorry, and it will never happen again.

Sister, it's not that I don't want to help, but there's a proper way of doing

things. It's called protocol.

You can't keep the dream alive running around acting like a nightmare.

Okay.

Reverend Sharpton, good news.

Rice Beverages is willing to go up another half a mil. Good morning.

Gonna climb my ass, and the girl gotta get in where she can fit in.