Original subtitles

Hey, girl, here we go.

Hot off the present. Oh, hell yeah.

Personally autographed by Beat My Will. Oh, my God. I, I, I, I hope y 'all spell

you wrong, all right?

These puppies are $20 a book. Okay, why won't we pay $20 when you sell them up

and down Crenshaw for $15?

I'm getting $18 on La Brea.

And over here in Cityville, it's $20.

Well, I am from Fresno, so here's $5. Honey, where you from is where you're

You can't mess with me. I'm going to make it $25.

Okay, well, you know what?

I am happy to pay 20, because I'm proud of you, Maya.

In fact, you know what? Give me two, because somehow or other, I'm going to

up buying one for Lynn. Well, go on and give the other copy to your mama,

because Lynn already bought one for $10 on the Alvarado off -ramp.

You sign your book on the freeway. Off -ramp. Get it right.

Yeah, me too. Then 30 minutes after I eat, I'm ready for... Me too.

Wow. Grandpa Poe's organic soy snacks?

I live on those. Me too.

They're a great source of protein.

I'm a vegan.

Me too.

Seven years.

Oh, wow. I just want you to know that I don't usually meet somebody at a free

concert in the park and then take them home. That is not me.

Well, it used to be me, but it's not me anymore.

Actually, before you, I was doing the whole celibacy thing.

Me too.

Yeah, I went for ten months.

I was trying to build up my chi.

Oh, you certainly had a lot of it.

So I didn't plan to fall off the wagon, but there you were. So beautiful.

So perfect.

There you were.

Your vibe is so intense.

Oh, it's weird.

God, I've spent so much of my life searching for myself, you know?

Just jumping from one thing to another.

Me too.

How much jumping did you do?

I have four postgraduate degrees.

You're kidding.

I know, it's crazy.

No, what's crazy is I have five.

Psych, anthro, English lit, polysign. There's one other that I can never

remember, but I know I rock.

Dude, I studied rock.

Geology was one of my degrees.

I would have stayed in school forever if my family and friends had let me

continue to mooch.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you are killing me softly with your song.

We're so in sync.

So, do you think we're ready to take this to the next level?

Yeah, I think so. Oh, great.

My name's Lenny.

Mine's Lynn.

Dear Pepito, I'm glad to hear my care package reached you safely.

I'm sorry the banditos confiscated the cookies and the penicillin.

While you recover from your ringworm, I hope you enjoy the Spider -Man comic

books I sent you.

And when you're back on your feet, you can use the pages to plug the holes in

your shoes.

I have not yet had a chance to go to Nike Town as you've requested in your

previous letters.

And Pepito, thank you for your good advice about Joan.

I really liked you comparing her to a wild boar, as she can be unpredictable

shifty.

For that reason, for so many others, I've decided that she and I are better

as friends.

It's for the best.

And I'm relieved to be able to move on.

Hi. I'm William.

I'm Kara.

Want to buy you a drink?

I like that.

Speaking of moving on, I hope you've given more thought to moving your hut

from that threatening volcano.

Your affectionate sponsor, Guillermo.

Okay, and then the capper of the whole evening was when we realized we're both

allergic to cashews. Yeah, and of course we found out that in the emergency

room. That's where we discovered something else we have in common.

No health insurance.

Right, Mr. Williamson. Right you are, Joan Clayton. Wow, you two are meant for

each other.

No, you two are meant to be prosecuted. You know I'm unemployed. Don't be

messing with my cobra.

Okay, stop.

I don't want to be all up in your business, but you two haven't done it

have you?

Oh, that's nasty.

Because y 'all know y 'all are brother and sister.

What? Look at you.

Y 'all are both tragic mulattoes. You're both petty criminals. You both look

like you've been rode hard and hung up wet.

That's crazy. I think I'd know if I had a brother. Is that the adopted girl who

didn't know who her daddy is?

Maya. I'm just saying. This is a crazy world.

This kind of stuff happens. You remember those two dumb looking guys who were

best friends for 20 years?

Found out they were brothers.

No, this is nuts. Lynn was born in Virginia and I was born here in L .A.

then it's settled, because people never travel from state to state.

Joan, not you too. I'm not saying I'm on board, but you two do look alike, and

there are about eight Shakespeare plays based on the premise. And if you felt

the need to write eight plays about it, then it can't just be happenstance.

Okay, I guess I am on board.

Hi, um, front desk?

Look, I've left three messages for my husband, Dr. Todd Garrett, on his

voicemail yesterday, and I'm not sure that he got them.

Oh, he did?

Well, that doesn't make much sense, because if he got them, he would have

me back, because I'm his wife.

And he loves me. I'm a goddess to him.

Uh, looky here. What's your name?

Vesta.

Well, Vesta, why don't you skip your happy ass on up to his room and...

No, no, no, don't hang up on me, Vesta.

Vesta, my girl.

Look, um, can I just leave him another message?

No, I don't want to be transferred to Boyce Mount.

Hi, baby.

It's me.

Um, I'm not sure that you got my other messages, but I was just thinking about

you.

I saw on the news that it's raining in New York, so I hope you're staying dry

and... Having fun.

Call me.

I love you.

I miss you.

Bye.

Hey, look at that.

I never noticed. We have the same belly button.

Okay, I'm done. Well, hang in there with me because I'm not.

No, Lenny, what I mean is I can't do this. Why not? Lynn, you don't seriously

think I'm your brother, do you? No.

Although I did do some research online and Maya's right.

It's a crazy world out there. Did you know that there were these twins on Long

Island that were separated at birth? Look, look, my parents have been happily

married for 33 years. I have a brother and a sister who I'm pretty damn sure is

not you. Okay, fine. What does your father do for a living? He's a saxophone

player. Oh, no.

Victoria, did you ever travel with a band or have a hankering for a bipolar

girl? No and no.

Now, are we done? Look, Benny, I don't want to end up on Jerry Springer showing

off my four -legged baby because I didn't do the research.

I know we're not related. Because if you really were my sister, there's one word

in the English language that you absolutely cannot pronounce.

Not paschetti.

Welcome to the family.

I knows I smoked a lot of pot back in the 70s, but I think I'd remember if I

knocked up some bipolar woman in Virginia.

Oh, wait a minute, honey.

We did have that threesome.

What am I saying? That was in Florida with Janet Reno.

Mom! I thought she was a real cutie pie back then.

In a big boy kind of way.

Will you guys stop?

Look, you promised not to embarrass me.

Look, I invited you here to convince Lynn that I couldn't possibly be her

brother.

I think it's time that we tell you.

What? You're adopted.

Okay, Leonard, enough with the joking.

Lynn's about to have a coronary.

Be careful.

Those run in the family.

Are you guys high?

Stop it. Stop it.

Lynn, you can be with Lenny.

Life is too short. And when you find somebody you connect with who can make

laugh and who is as good looking as my son, then you hold on.

Lynn, I would be honored to be your daddy, but I'm not. It's just not

But I could be your father -in -law, though, but I don't want to put any

pressure on you. Oh, well, I do.

We're not getting any younger, and we could use a few grandbabies.

We need a whole new generation to warp.

So you're definitely not my father?

No, I'm not.

But I am getting kind of hungry.

Uh, excuse me, uh, where the hell's my pusketty?

So was this book all that? It changed my life. Before I read Oh, Hell Yeah, I

was a postal worker.

Uh -huh.

shot of LaWanda Page in a similar restaurant?

Now look at me.

I'm as if they're a word.

Honey, give me five copies. One for me, my mama, and three for my ugly cousin,

Sweet Pea. She need a book.

That'll be $100.

$100? You take a check.

I just got a picture of Ben Franklin and his sign by the treasure.

Now take your bouncer checks over there, them Girl Scouts. They look stupid.

Why are you messing with my sale? I'm out here trying to help you.

You see, that's what's bumping me, Tony.

Why are you, of all people, trying to help somebody?

Because I believe in you, Maya.

And your book.

Wait, wait, wait.

Either you're dying or you don't kill somebody. Either way, you're trying to

right with the Lord.

Tony, don't be bringing me and my book into Satan's business. Don't do it.

I don't need to get right with the Lord, Maya.

My life is perfect.

It's such a well -oiled machine that I had time to come out here and help you.

But now I have to go.

Have to meet who?

To have one, Tony.

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

You and Todd in trouble?

Girl, the only trouble we are having is deciding where to go to dinner tonight,

okay? Bye, boo.

Todd, I ain't playing with you.

Your little ass better call me.

I'm walking around town like Goonie Goo Goo talking about I got a husband. I

don't even know where my husband is.

But for real though, I love you.

I miss you. Call me.

Thank you.

hawking the books on the side of the road, all right? And I told you, you got

be weaving in and out in between the cars.

Tell me not to plan traffic.

Well, we ain't playing. We working, okay?

Oh, hell yes! Right off the press!

Just $18!

Come on!

Oh, hell yes! Maya Wilkes, the next time you're selling your books along the

side of the road, would you give your cousin a shout -out? I have been from

Beach to Magic Mountain looking for you, and you know Aretha here does not get

good gas mileage. Ronnie, why did you just call me?

Because some news is just too big for the cell phone.

Oh, my God. Did somebody die?

Girl, this is bigger than death.

This is about money.

Some big book publisher called. They heard you were making a killing out here

with the whole hell yes.

What?

Maya, girl, I think they want to sign you to a big book deal.

Fly you to New York. First class. Put you up in the Royale. And that's four

stars, honey. So you know they ain't playing.

I think they're going to sign you to a five -figure deal.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, Rhonda. Slow your boat. Just slow down for a minute.

Somebody actually called the salon and told you that?

And why wouldn't they?

I am your manager.

So throw those books in the car.

Jabari, quit playing in the traffic and get in this car, boy.

Your mama's famous now.

Excuse me, amigo.

Could I get a sack of oranges and some superoxide 13?

Oh, and some roses.

Oh, muchas gracias, honey.

Oh, yes. Oh, muchas gracias.

Here you are. You know I'm bilingual.

So cute.

There, girl.

Congratulations.

We're moving on now!

Now,

he's definitely not your brother.

Nope. Well, could he be your kid's cousin?

Don't. I'm sorry. I'm just kidding.

It's great.

You finally have a boyfriend.

And a good one. No, I don't. I broke up with him. What?

Every time I looked at him, I kept thinking he could have been my brother.

Yeah, but he's not your brother.

But he could have been. Anyone could be.

Exactly.

That's my point. I have holes in my life.

Like, who is my father?

Does he have any kids?

And have I loved any of them up?

Joan, don't you see I'm freaking out about this?

And as long as I'm freaking, I can't get my freak on.

But Lenny was such a good guy.

This'll pass.

Pass? This isn't a kidney stone.

This is my life.

Look, I'm not trying to find the magic key that unlocks the door to my soul.

I just want to know where I'm from.

In the end, it may not mean anything, but at the very least, I'll know who I

and can't sleep with.

Might start now.

True. At least I'll know who my dad is.

Oh, God.

Hope I haven't slept with him.

Your birth father?

Honey, I'm crazy and heavily medicated. I barely remember what I did this

morning.

Sandy, please.

Please. I didn't come all the way to Virginia to play Ring Around the

Okay. Okay.

I did meet a bunch of black men on my way home from Woodstock.

Woodstock? That was two years before I was born.

I didn't say I came right home.

Sandy, take your feet off the table.

Okay.

Remember, your mother said something about my father being a man you met on a

bus.

Bus.

Right.

I did, in 1970, hitch a ride with the Harlem Globetrotters.

But you don't have Meadowlark's height.

Sandy, just tell her.

There's nothing to tell. Just tell her so we can get this over with. You tell

her I didn't have anything to do with it. What? Tell me what?

We paid your father to go away.

What?

We didn't do anything.

You and Daddy did it.

He wanted to marry me. That boy was after our money.

We were in love.

You were in love with a ball of yarn for a month and a half.

You were off your rocker.

Your daddy and I had to protect you. You weren't fit to be a mother or a wife.

You didn't send him away because I was sick.

You paid him off because he was a black man.

He took the money, didn't he?

Here's the thing about you women.

You wait till Sunday, there's 14 games on, and you want to reevaluate the

relationship. How come you don't want to reevaluate when Oprah's on?

Because Oprah is the one who told us we need to reevaluate.

Well, I want to say this right now for men everywhere, and in case this first

date goes really well, I do not reevaluate on Sunday.

That day is strictly for the Lord and the NFL.

Hey, stranger.

Joan, hey.

I haven't seen you for like a week.

I've been trying to woo Kara here and get her to go out with me. Oh, by God,

you're on a date. I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, no, Joan. Kara.

Kara, this is Joan. Hey. Nice to meet you. She's an old work buddy of mine.

to meet you.

So, I'm waiting for Tony, so I can just meet her at the bar. Oh, no, no, no, no.

You two catch up. I need to go to the little girl's room. Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Kara, huh?

Cute.

You know how I do.

Yeah. I know you usually don't, which is why I didn't want to interrupt.

But since I'm here, would you buy me a drink?

Because you know I'm unemployed.

Yes.

Bartender, a mojito, please. Thank you.

Easy on the sugar, light on the mint, and Perrier no -club soda. And if you

could use the Haitian... Haitian rum.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So, you heard about Maya?

She's going to get published.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's funny. She can find time to write a whole book, but she can't type up a

three -page memorandum. I know.

I'm proud of her, though. Me, too. Me, too.

Yeah. Don't tell her I said that. She'll ask for more days off. Seriously.

And Getsu's going to find her father.

Really? Yeah.

That was bound to happen. Yeah.

Isn't it funny how life keeps changing?

You know, I mean, Lynn could find her father, and what's that going to do to

life? It'll give her somebody else to mooch off of.

And then me, whoever would have thought I was going to quit being a lawyer and

do what I'm doing now.

mooching drinks off the employee.

Yeah. Oh, thank you.

So, basically, I've become Lynn.

But Tony's been married for a whole year.

I lost a hundred bucks on that one.

I'm happy for her. Me too, me too.

Kind of sad for Todd, though.

And you, William, you made senior partner.

My God.

Of course, It's not a surprise. I mean, I knew that was going to happen.

You deserve it.

They'd be a fool to let you go.

I'd be a fool to let you go.

I'm sorry, Joan. I can't stop thinking about you.

I've tried to, but I can't.

I know we're just friends and everything, but I want there to be more.

I know I can make you so happy.

I love you, Joe.

So, all caught up?

Yes,

that's a yes?

to my New York state of mind.