Original subtitles

I know that look.

You want to go play a little game to bury the bone, huh?

Well, don't let me stop you.

Go on.

Go get her.

What's the matter?

You're a keen -looking canine. You could totally get a dog like that.

Has it come to this?

The dog emulates the master.

My own inability to act on my desire for Joan has diminished you as a man.

Or, you know, dog.

That whole neutering thing probably didn't help either.

But you weren't always like this.

You know, there was a day when you would have trotted over to that poodle and

put the doggie back in doggie style.

And now you're just like me.

I finally discovered my feelings for Joan, yet my own invisibility keeps

me back from telling her.

We are indeed a sad pair.

Excuse me.

Are these your balls?

Would it were that simple?

So,

what

is love?

you tony well dr miller i'm thinking it's a mini splendor thing it's never

having to say you're sorry it's that thing that just keeps you together and

lifts you up where you belong tony okay here's the thing

when i say i love people because it makes them feel good i mean if someone

they love me i say i love you back it's just like when someone sneezes and you

say god bless you Do you really care if God blesses them? I know I don't.

Okay.

Let's try an exercise.

Oh, good, Games. I'm so good at games.

You're on a deserted island for life with one other person.

Who do you want that person to be?

Girl, that's easy. Wolfgang Puck.

What? I want to be hungry. I need someone who can whip up a meal with a

and a fish.

Tony. All right, um... Bill Gates.

What? I know somebody's gonna be looking for him.

You can't get off the island. You need to pick somebody you know.

All right, then.

Joan. Great.

Tell me why.

Because she's my best friend.

We've been through everything else together. We might as well be stuck on

stupid island together. Plus, Joan would know what to do with that coconut.

Okay, so somebody who stays with you through thick and thin, someone who can

take care of you. I think we're beginning to build your definition of

Oh, my God.

I do love Joan.

I'm capable of love.

Woo! I'm big!

No, no, you just... had a breakthrough. Now, I want you to seize that feeling

and we'll continue to build on it in future sessions.

Then will I be fixed?

Tony, therapy is a process when the... Yeah, Tony, then you'll be fixed.

Yes?

Len, um, I need to ask you a favor.

Oh, sure, Maya. Anything.

Except, of course, pay for lunch.

Or let you be a couple days late on your rent or paint Jabari's room real quick.

What do you mean?

You think you can read my book?

Tell me what you think.

Oh, my God. You finished? Oh, hell yes. Oh, hell yes. This morning at 2 a .m.

This is great.

We should celebrate.

I will buy you lunch.

You know, someday.

That's sweet, Lynn. Thank you.

But do you think you could read it tonight? I'm on a really tight deadline.

have to get it to the printers next week. I thought you were self

I am. But Kinko's raises their rate next week.

So, do you want me to prove it or you want actual feedback?

Feedback is, you know, it's good. But mainly, you know, I'd like for you to

Girl, yesterday I cried, but today I said, Oh, hell yes!

You know, so I could clench on the back cover.

I could do that.

Good. And one more thing.

Don't tell Joan.

Why not?

Because I'm not showing it to her, Lynn, and I don't want her to feel left out.

Why do you want Joan to read it? Because she'll hate it. You know how she is.

All classes and egregious.

I just don't want to go there. So promise me, Lynn, that you're not going

nothing to her. Look, mom's the word.

For 20 bucks.

Has anybody given you 20 dollars?

How about 10? How about a slap?

How about on the ass?

Todd?

I'm in here.

I had a breakthrough.

What? I had a breakthrough in therapy.

I know how to love.

See, I wasn't sure that I knew how to love, and then I did this exercise

that I do know how to love.

I know an exercise that proves we both know how to love.

Stop being nasty when I'm trying to be deep.

Sorry.

So tell me about your exercise.

Well, my therapist said I was stuck on this desert island for the rest of my

life, and I had to choose only one person to be with.

So I choose Joan because I love her, proving I am capable of love.

Was your husband not an option?

Huh? Was your husband not an option?

I wasn't thinking about you.

The Slavia?

That makes me feel better.

Well, if for some reason Joan is unable to fulfill her duties as the one I

love...

You run her up.

Oh, come on, Todd. You're missing the point. No, Tony, you're missing the

I'm always second place for you. Todd, this exercise was about me.

I had a breakthrough today.

It had nothing to do with you. But it should have. It's never about me. Just

like when you had to go see Greg, or when you refused to confront your mother

about smoking in our house, or when you bought a Valentine's Day gift for Joan

instead of me.

This is just one more kick in the groin, Tony, isn't it? That's not fair.

Every time I kick you there, I ice them up.

Because, hello, Greg is to the curb. I kicked my mama to the curb. And if

unemployed much longer, she'll be tasting pavement, too.

Oh, so Joan made it to your island just because she has more money than your

broke husband? Come on.

The island is the one place where your debt wouldn't matter.

Okay.

Todd, okay, fine.

You want to be on the island?

Answer one simple question.

What can you whip up with a coconut and a fish?

Hey.

Hey.

Wow, that was really slick. I didn't even see that thing you just hid in your

bag.

What thing? There's no thing. The thing you just put in your bag, Lynn.

What bag?

And who's this Lynn?

Lynn's the mooch I was gonna buy lunch for, but since she's not here, I'll just

go. Okay, okay.

So there is a Lynn. There is a book bag.

Come on, let's order.

No?

What's in the book bag?

Oh, my instruction manual and my book bag. Okay, I'm out of here. Okay, okay,

okay, okay.

Maya's manuscript.

Oh, my God.

She finished her book?

Yeah. Oh, that's so great. Let me see it. I can't do.

Why not?

Because she only wants my feedback.

Why doesn't she want my feedback?

I don't know, but don't ask her. Why not? Because you're not supposed to

Why not? Because.

Because why?

Because, damn it, Joan, your class is an egregious.

What?

Her words, not mine.

Oh.

She's thinking about old Joan.

New Joan is going to love the book. Let me see it. No, Maya will be mad at me.

So I won't tell her.

I don't know, Joan. Come on.

You know I'm discreet.

I'm the queen of discreet.

Why don't you want me to read your book?

Lynn! Joan!

What happened to the queen of discreet? What happened to mom's the word?

What happened to we're best friends and we share everything?

I never said that.

Look, look. I didn't want you to read it because I didn't think you'd like it.

Why? Because I'm classist and egregious?

You told her that too?

Look, I'm sorry, but Joan and I are best friends and we share everything.

Oh, that's where I heard that.

Maya, why don't you want my feedback?

I am the queen of feedback.

I've got nothing but great feedback on my feedback.

Joan.

We shared everything together.

I gave you your first corporate job. I watched as you've grown and matured. And

now here you are having written your first book and I just... I just can't

believe that I'm not going to be able to... That I'm not going to be able to

share in this step of your journey.

Fine, Joan.

Read the damn book.

Okay. If you really want me to.

I don't know why he can't see that this is about

him, too.

If I am capable of love, then he reaps the benefits.

Our marriage reaps the benefits. It's that whole trickle -down theory of love.

Why can't he see that?

I heard you say trickle.

Which reminds me, I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah.

That is much better.

What were we talking about?

Well, I was telling you about how I went to therapy. Ah, I remember.

Shut it up.

is you women talk too much.

See, it's great that you had a breakthrough, but he didn't have to know

it. That's what your girlfriends are for.

But what am I gonna do? Ah, he's your husband.

That should be enough.

He said I do so you know he loves you.

He doesn't care about your feelings or what process you came to your feelings

what other cockamamie breakthrough you had.

He just wants the action of your love.

So you can't say?

You know, that is so stereotypical.

We men are about a lot more than just sex.

There's food, sport, toys, war, and dogs.

That's man's best friend.

Oh, yeah.

I want him to know that my intentions were good.

Then show him.

Through food, sex, war, toys, sports, and dogs.

Is there anything that encompasses all those things?

God, I wish.

I am Tony Charles Garrett. I placed an order for a picnic basket.

Woman, what are you doing?

I'm taking your advice. You said men like food, so I'm giving my husband a

surprise picnic.

After everything I schooled you on, all you could come up with was a picnic?

Well, afterwards I thought we'd go home and play naked battleship and the winner

wins linker ticket.

And a puppy.

You learn well, grasshopper.

Oh, thank you.

Tony!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Surprised to see me, are you?

Tony, this is Natalie, a colleague of mine from the hospital.

Natalie, this is Tony. It is so nice to meet you. I have heard so much about

you, Tony.

Please, call me Mrs. Todd Garrett.

Nice little table you two picked out here.

Intimate, tucked away.

Hidden, some might even say.

You know what? I'm just going to get some takeout.

Here, have a picnic.

No, thank you.

Really, I'm not that hungry.

Okay.

I'll see you back at the hospital, Todd.

It was very nice to meet you. This is Todd Garrett.

What the hell was that? What the hell was this? This was a work lunch.

What's going on, Todd?

Is your little tryst with the Barbie knockoff some sort of payback for my

breakthrough?

Tell me this wasn't about revenge.

No, Tony, that's something you would do.

Who is she? I told you, she is a colleague.

A colleague you're having an affair with?

Why do you have to jump to an affair?

I'm not the one who's confused about who I love.

I didn't marry Joan. No, but you put her on your little island.

Who should be on the island, Todd?

Huh? You and Natalie? You have your little threesome?

Threesome? Oh, you think I'm going to leave you alone with that bitch?

I hated it. What?

Really? What am I going to do?

She's going to want to know what I thought.

Do I tell her the truth?

Okay, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe you can frame it in a constructive way.

What exactly didn't you like about it?

Okay, um... Okay, like here.

This chapter.

Don't be a stupid bitch girl.

It's just too on the nose.

I don't know, I like straight talk.

I thought I did an excellent job of explaining how, as women, we often only

what we want to see about the men in our lives.

See, I can't absorb that kind of information when someone's calling me a

bitch.

You know what? You don't have to think of yourself as being critical.

You and Maya just have different tastes.

Okay. Your suits are Stella McCartney. Hers are Miss Dixie. Yeah.

You like Coco Vaughn. She likes Coco Puffs.

She listens to Ludacris. And I think that kind of music is ludicrous.

Oh, my God.

I am classless and egregious.

You know what?

What? Just, I'm going to tell her that I love the book, so don't say a word

about any of this, okay?

Joan hates your book.

Joan! Lynn!

Quiet! What?

I don't know. I just seem to be headed there.

So you think I'm a bad writer?

No, I think you're a great writer. I just had absolutely no interest in what

wrote about.

It's too bad you already went to sleep.

It's too bad because you're going to miss the show.

That's okay.

I'll just bring the show to you.

Good idea. We'll just phone.

Where are you going to go now?

Damn it, Todd. Talk to me.

Who's calling you this late? You're not on call.

Hello? I know you're not answering it. Oh, hey.

I know you're not perking up. Yeah.

I am doing it right now.

Yeah.

Oh, no, that's okay. I was still awake.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

I know you're not getting back in bed without some explaining.

That was Natalie. She wanted to read an article from last month's New England

Journal of Medicine.

Told her to call me and remind me to put it in my bag.

Did she also remind you to put your penis in your bag?

Oh, God, you're killing me. There is nothing going on.

Why are you all up in arms, Todd? There must be something going on.

You know what? I don't want to talk about this anymore, Tony. I am not

affair. Well, she wants you.

Nice to know somebody does.

Oh! Come on.

You know I love you. Oh, is that starting yesterday? Because the day

that, you just figured out what love is.

Why can't you get off the damn island?

How can I get off of it? You never put me on it.

Well, it's because of that attitude right there, Buster.

Tony.

The deserted island exercise was designed for you to get to the root of

deepest feelings.

Not to be a singing telegram to deliver to your husband.

Now you tell me. Because of your negligence? My husband's on the verge of

an affair.

Yeah. If I lose my husband, I'm suing you for malpractice.

Tony, my job is to help you explore your feelings and gain new insights

so that you know how best to address the issues in your relationship.

Okay?

Okay.

And next time, will you please come at your scheduled time?

Sorry to be cutting in on your time, girl, but I can save you a lot of money

you just fix that unibrow, do something about that hair, and correct that

posture. Ugh, it's just screaming I don't love myself. Why should you?

Now, about your posture.

Oh, there she goes.

The poodle of your dreams.

You gonna go for it today?

Like owner, like pooch.

But you know what? You control your own destiny.

Well, to the extent that I let you.

Sit.

There's my rebel.

Now you take that same moxie and you go over there and you get that bitch.

And if you succeed, I'll take it as a sign that I should declare my feelings

Joan.

So go on.

Go tap that boy.

Tap it for the both of us.

No! No, Vasco! You're supposed to be on top.

Whatever you're into.