Original subtitles

Hey!

How you doing, Peaches?

Peaches is peachy.

Thanks again for getting me this job and getting me out of a bad situation down

in situations.

Your cousin Ronnie didn't recognize my managerial potentialities.

Okay, Peaches, I told you, you can't be using the made -up words around Joan.

You know she steals the ditty.

Right. I will keep it all professional and legalistic.

Oh, here's my boss now. Hey, girl.

Hi.

Good morning, counselor.

Here's your coffee.

I've logged your calls, filed your briefs, and I'd be less than honest if I

didn't tell you, you are working no shoes like a drag queen on Thursday

I'm going to need your credit card.

For what?

Because I can't sleep on something you got from Ikea.

Wait, Tony, hang my phone up.

Fine. If you won't pay for my mattress now, you can pay for my chiropractor

later.

Tony, sweetie, you know, you can stay here as long as you need to, but I think

we have to have a little talk about when you need to get the hell out.

How am I going to go home when my husband's there? Tony, you've been

for three days. Tell me what happened. What happened is I married the wrong

I need more. I need full disclosure.

I am not a hostile witness here. Don't be cross -examining me.

Especially with my back all out from that army cot you call a guest bed.

I got my reasons.

Demerit, valid, and nunya.

Okay, Tony.

Just because he's a little messy isn't a reason to bail on a marriage.

I know that, Joan. I'm not insane.

Oh, but you must be. What is this? Generic cream cheese?

Tony Childs does not eat poor people food.

Tony Childs needs name brands.

How about this for a name brand?

Motel 6. They'll leave the light on for you.

What are you doing?

I like to draw my line before I step over it.

What's going on with you, girl?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You've got the glow.

What? Oh, don't be coy with the boy.

Somebody done smacked it, flipped it, and rubbed it down.

Now, Dish, who is it? And I know it's not that actor friend of yours because

he's in New Zealand. Oh, by the way, he left some tired message about missing

you, but we'll get back to that later.

Peter. Oh, hang on, girl. Don't distract.

Confess.

I met the most wonderful man.

And although there was no smacking or flipping, we made a connection.

This man is... We were... It was enchanted.

It was like a movie.

But what are you going to do?

I already did it.

I told him I couldn't see him anymore. I'm committed to Ellis.

But he doesn't give you the glow.

It was the right thing to do.

I couldn't handle the guilt.

Look, love knows no guilt.

Honey, you are in an affair of the heart. And when the heart speaks, you

listen.

Lynn. Hey, William. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. And for being so

prompt.

Wow.

So formal.

Look, I paid you all the rent that I said I would pay you, and you can't

took your satellite dish, so what's this about?

It's about vodka.

Hey, dog's poop. I can't be responsible for every turd in your yard or in your

den or on your bed. No, no, wait, wait, wait. I will forgive all of your

transmissions if you initial here, here, and sign there.

What's this?

I want to be Vasco's legal guardian.

I've drawn up some legal papers that'll facilitate a non -combative transition.

You're asking me to give up my dog?

I'm asking you to do what's right for the dog.

Voska's the one thing that I own that I didn't take from somebody.

No. Damn it, Lynn! I've seen where you're living.

That's not a wholesome environment for a sensitive dog with learning

disabilities.

Just forget it, William.

Voska belongs with me.

Lynn, that dog's my best friend.

Yeah, well, don't read too much into it. It'll hump anybody's legs.

Thank you.

Tony.

I tip you, but my husband is mired in debt.

Tony, we need to talk.

Oh, I'm sorry. You can't come in. Joan has very strict rules.

No peddlers or beggars. Bye -bye.

Honey, this is ridiculous. I've let this go on for three days. Now you need to

come home.

Why? Did you win the lottery or come to some major inheritance?

No. Well, then I'm good right here.

Look, I should have told you about my finances. I'm sorry, but let's... Talk

about them now.

I know all I need to know. They're whack.

They're whack for now, but I've met with a financial advisor and I have a plan.

I have a successful practice. You have a great career with a little budgeting

and steady income.

We could be completely out of debt in five years.

In five years, I could be sick and tired of you.

And if I divorce you before then, I'll get half of nothing. And I'm about a

whole lot of something.

You remember our wedding vows? For better, for worse. For richer, for

I must have blacked out because that foolishness would have never gotten past

me.

Tony. I'm through talking. So go on with your broke self.

What? What are you waiting on, bus fare?

Tony, come home.

Buy me one and I will.

How you doing, PJ?

Everything okay?

Need any help? You know, I know Joan can be pretty high maintenance at times.

Oh, no, Maya.

Joan's good people.

We click.

Well, that's just great. I'm glad you two are getting along.

I'm glad you two are clicking and bonding and whatnot.

Oh, you just hate that I'm her new assistant and better at it than you.

Ain't nobody better than me, okay? I mean, that is why I moved up. If you

up, how come you always down here in our business?

Peaches, get over yourself, okay? You are just her assistant. I am her

girlfriend, all right?

Oh, my God.

Please, please tell me what y 'all talk about.

don't want to gossip about nothing. All he want to talk about is his mom and

that damn dog.

Now, Maya, as much as I appreciate you helping me get this job, I can't

participate in office gossip.

It is 6 .05. You are off the clock.

Girl, you will not believe what that skank whole of the heart did.

Oh, Joan, the new mattress?

It's $3 ,300, though. I got this.

Bitch, please.

What? You're going to stick me with a $3 ,300 bill when my man is broke?

Todd's what?

Tony?

He's broke?

Joan, he's $750 ,000 in debt. Oh, my God.

$750 ,000.

American.

So that's why the two of you... Separated.

I can't go on with this marriage.

He betrayed me.

Sweetie, betrayal implies malice aforethought.

You two got together and married very quickly.

You didn't know squat about each other.

So what you're in is not so much a betrayal situation. It's more of a you

to do your homework situation.

One thing I know is a relationship is built on trust and money.

And we are fresh out of both.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but trust is the bigger issue.

If you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

Tell me, Jones, could you stay with Alice if he betrayed you?

The question is, would he stay with me?

Are you talking about your little affair of the horts?

That damn peaches. Peaches?

I got that from Maya. And don't bother telling Lynn. I told her an hour ago, so

back to me.

What am I going to do?

Tony, you are going to go home, and you are going to work it out with Todd.

I have seen the two of you together.

Tony, he is your soulmate.

Is the agent your soulmate?

I don't know.

And I'm not going to find out either, because I'm sticking with Ellis.

Is Ellis your soulmate? I don't care anymore.

The fact is, I am committing to Ellis.

And if I can commit to someone that I'm not sure is my soulmate, then surely you

can commit to someone who you know is.

You're right.

Five years isn't that long, and I do love El Dwarfo.

I could throw some clients his way. I mean, I know a lot of people who could

breast implants. I mean, there's you, there's Lynn.

French Lynn, she's broke.

I guess I'm going to have to cultivate some rich, flat -chested friends.

Excuse me.

I have just been mesmerized by your ring. Can I take a closer look? Oh, of

course.

My husband did good, huh?

Oh, he sure did.

He's exquisite.

I know.

Harry Winston knows, too. That's why we're regressing at night.

It's the last straw, William. That's why I called you.

I want a divorce.

Tony, did Todd lead you to believe that he had money?

Well, he didn't lead me to believe he didn't.

Well, I'm not a divorce attorney, but if he presented himself to you as

something that he's not, and in doing so induced you to marry him, then that

constitutes fraud.

And under California statutes, fraud is grounds for an annulment.

So, you really think I should end it?

Well, the way I see it is, if a man married the woman, he's obligated to

for her in a manner to which she's accustomed.

And you're accustomed to a whole lot.

So if Todd can't meet your expectations, then Todd's failed as a man.

Ergo, Todd's a Trump.

No, wait a minute. Technically, I didn't tell him about my financial situation

either. Oh, please, Tony. All anybody has to do is look at you to see you're

living large with no assets.

Well, don't go calling my husband names.

I'm sensing a little residual sentimentality here. Look, if you're not

to go for the jugular, Tony, I suggest you hire another attorney.

I thought you didn't handle divorce.

Then you definitely need to hire another attorney.

Monitor? Teacher is making copies.

Hold him up. Thank you. Why? Yeah, because you know that's what friends do,

Joan. Friends cover for friends.

In the workplace.

In the home?

In the love life?

You know, I cannot believe.

I cannot believe I had to find out information about you through someone

know through me.

You know, I cannot believe, gentlemen, I'm not the rock in your life anymore.

A life that has obviously fallen apart.

Wyatt, can we not talk about this out here?

Take it in my office, okay?

What is it, Joan? Huh?

Punishment for me trying to get a little leg up in life?

I thought we were better than this. I thought you gave me your blessing to go

and be William's assistant.

Maya, you were the last person that I wanted to tell.

Why?

What you trying to say? Girl, what, we were just friends because I was your

assistant? God, no.

Maya, sweetie, to tell you I'd have to look in the mirror and see myself for

what I am.

A hypocrite.

Come on, a year ago I berated you for having an affair, and then I turn around

and have an affair with my boyfriend's agent.

Yeah, well, I was sort of skank coach at the heart of you.

Look,

Peaches says you think that this agent is your enchanted love.

And I know it's going to be hard, but you've got to tell Ellis that you found

true happiness.

You don't let that slip away, girl. Once you find it, you hang on for dear life.

I could do that if Ellis and I weren't happy, but we are.

Are you?

I'm back. Is there anything else you need? Okay, you know what, Peaches? I

this. Get, get. Oh, no, she didn't. Oh, yes, I did.

Let's go, buddy. What are you doing here?

Do anything.

On the pretty hand side.

Down low.

Too slow.

You know, William, you've been really good to me.

You helped me out when nobody else would.

You didn't even blink when I took your sofa.

What? The point is, Vosko loves you, too. So it's only fair to let Vosko,

We'll let him off his leash.

We'll both walk away and then call him. Whoever he comes to is the one he goes

home with. And if it's you, you pay me $300.

Fair enough?

Why don't I just give you $300?

That sounds fair.

Where are

you

going? Nowhere. You are.

This is your suitcase.

I'm not leaving.

Todd, this is not working out. I'm already taking steps toward our

Wait, okay.

So this is over the top, Tony, right?

Right?

Todd, I love you.

I do.

But we're not good together.

I live check to check, you live deep in debt, and that's a lethal combination.

Sweetie, nothing scares me more than being poor.

I grew up poor, and I'm not going back.

And L .A. poor is worse than Fresno poor, because when you're in Fresno and

you're looking at rich folk, they're still stuck in Fresno, and that ain't

But in L .A., you're poor if you wear round -toe heels in a pointy -toe

And I can't be the best possible Tony under those conditions.

Todd, baby, I need the dream marriage. And we could still have the dream.

it's just a dream deferred. And you expect me to sit there for five years

raisin in the sun because you can't pay for shade?

And if you can't afford shade, how are we going to afford his and her

Or courtside seats at the Lakers?

Or a monthly trip to the Kenya Rand Spa?

Huh?

Or an offshore dummy corporation in the Caymans.

A yacht to get us to the Caymans. A little man to drive the yacht to get us

the Caymans.

Or... Or a champion thoroughbred in the Kentucky Derby. Or an original Basquiat.

Or a vineyard in Napa Valley.

Speaking of wine, a villa in Tuscany, too, since you're driving me to drink.

Are you through?

No, Todd, I'm not through.

And I won't be through until I'm dead, and even then I'll live on in the hearts

that I've touched.

How do you expect me to touch hearts with no money?

All I'm asking is that you give me the time to buy you two reasonable things on

that crazy list.

And the security that you won't leave me every time Tony doesn't get what she

wants. Honey, marriage is about figuring out the hard times. So come on, let's

just figure this out.

You should have figured out your financial situation before you said I

Damn it, Tony.

All I'm asking is for a little patience. Yes, I'm in debt.

And yes, it's bad.

But a lot of that debt I built trying to court you, and I did it because I know

you wanted it. Uh -uh. Don't put your billion -dollar debt on me.

You're right.

You're right.

It's not your fault. It's mine.

I was afraid you were so out of my league, I felt I had to buy your love.

Your greatest fear is being poor?

Honey, mine is losing you.

So I need to know right here, right now, do you love me for me or for the things

that you thought I could buy you?

Well, clearly, I love you for you, because four days ago, I found out you

broke, and I'm still here.

You're packing my bags.

Well, I was all set to let you stay until they took my ring.

What? Yes, that's right. Harry Winston just repossessed it right off my finger.

Do you know how humiliating that was?

Tony, what are you talking about? I didn't buy the ring at Harry Winston.

great. Just kick me when I'm down.

I bought it at Van Cleef and Arpels.

Oh.

That woman with the jacked -up cuticle stole my ring.

Somebody stole the ring?

Tony, that is the most expensive piece of debt we have. Hold up. Just hold up.

It is insured, isn't it? Of course it's insured.

For the full $50 ,000?

You had it appraised?

Sorry, dumb question.

It was.

So, let's go shopping for my new ring.

Or we could just wear our wedding bands and use the insurance money to pay down

our debts.

Or we could take the $50 ,000 insurance money and buy me a $45 ,000 ring.

Or... I could throw your little broke ass out on the street.

Have a seat. Oh, dear. Have I been naughty?

Is this a trip to the woodshed?

I don't appreciate you telling Maya my business.

I am so sorry.

I've let you down.

You will have my resignation on your desk first thing in the morning. No, no,

Peaches, Peaches, I'm not firing you.

Thank you. Yes.

Peaches, you are doing a great job.

I just wanted us to be clear about what the boundaries are.

Yes, I'm quite clear.

What goes on between us stays between us. Thank you. And I just want to tell

how much I respect your professionalism.

It is truly a pleasure to work for you.

Gosh, I really appreciate that.

So, um, I will see you in the morning.

Yeah, right now. Thanks.

So, what's that all about? That she didn't have to try to read me to riot