Original subtitles

This whole bride thing is even more fabulous than I imagined.

These people can't get enough of me.

Hello, Tony. This is an engagement party for you and Todd.

Not the Tony Child show.

Oh, honey, I don't know what channel you're on, but this is the all -Tony

network. All -Tony.

All the time.

Okay, Tony, where is Todd anyway? You did invite him, right? I think I did.

Wait a minute.

Oh! Of course I did. I checked the list. He was on it. You know your man's a

munchkin. He may have gotten lost in the crowd.

Did you just take a hit on my intended?

I thought I told you once I had the rock on my hand, all it had to stop.

Now, where's my man?

Todd, honey, if you're out there, just throw a napkin in the air.

There he is.

person to walk in here without a gift, then head straight over to the open bar.

We were supposed to bring gifts?

Tony, gifts aren't required to bring gifts to an engagement party.

Oh, so nobody up in here brought a gift? Brought a gift? Honey, I was coming for

a little party favor when I left.

Maya, this is an engagement party, not one of Jambalaya's birthday parties.

That's it, the bar's going cash.

Hey, you all better hurry up. Rumor is the bar is going cash.

Take note.

You don't bring nothing, you don't get nothing, so y 'all best not come up

at the next party. What next party?

Oh, so the band, the cake, the flowers just gonna up -pick themselves?

You're not having a party to do all that. No.

I'm having three parties to do all that. I plan on having a party every weekend

until the wedding.

Tony, you can't have a party every weekend for a year.

Relax. I'm getting married in two months.

Joan Clayton can't plan a fabulous wedding in two months. I can't do it.

Oh, that's okay because you're not planning it.

I'm not the wedding planner?

Tony.

Joan. Tony.

Joan, you know how you are.

What? How am I?

Joan, do not play dumb, girl. We nearly came to blows over my wedding.

Tony, I don't want you working my wedding.

I want you by my side, being my best friend.

Okay. Okay.

Yay.

May I have your attention, please?

Oh, uh -uh.

Tony, these hors d 'oeuvres are great. Oh, did you bring a gift?

Oh, well. Oh, God.

First of all, we'd like to thank you all for coming to Tony's engagement party.

Ha ha, very funny.

Don't quit your day job. Ah, I risk losing you, dear, never.

Anyhoo, thank you all for coming to share this first of many evenings with

Schedules are at the door next to the empty...

Gift table?

Let it go.

I didn't think the day would come when I would find someone so special,

so perfect for me.

I mean, I find those qualities all the time in the Neiman's shoe department,

but... But finding those qualities in a man was just...

It's a little harder.

First, I'm a little concerned about the shoe analogy since Tony owns 3 ,000

pairs.

These guys were made for each other. I mean, it's just like a... Oh, my God,

Ellen. I'm sorry.

But seriously, folks, from the first moment I laid eyes on this woman,

inside me knew that she was a keeper.

Okay, Ellen, I need to go and get this out. But they're still toasting. Well,

the stain is gonna...

Toastin' will be over in two minutes, and you can't even see it. I'll be right

back, okay? I am so lucky.

I love you, Tony.

Oh, I love you, too.

Now, could you bring me a gift?

Every bride needs something blue.

You see?

That's why I'm marrying him.

To Tony and Todd!

Hey, come on.

Time to wake up.

Come on, sleepyhead.

Wait a minute.

There's coffee and bagels. What time is it?

What? Huh?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ellis, it's almost 8 o 'clock. Why didn't you wake me up? Because when the

went off, you beat the crap out of it. I did not want to suffer the same fate.

Thanks a lot, Ellis. I wanted to go running, but because of you, that's shot

hell. Me? If it weren't for me, you'd still be asleep.

Ellis, the marathon is in two weeks.

I didn't know you were still running the marathon.

Why wouldn't I be? Because you haven't mentioned it in months.

Well, I am.

And it would be really nice if the man of my life would support me for once.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? I just really needed to go running,

okay? Fine. Go run, please.

Well, I can't go now.

Ellis, I have a schedule. I have a J -O -B. If I go running now, my hair is

going to get all frizzy. And then I won't have time to do anything to it

I go to work. And I'll have to go to work with jacked up hair. Is that what

want? Huh?

For me to go to work as a big -ass pro?

really have to get Tony a gift for every one of these stupid pre -wedding

parties? Well, if we don't, we're only going to look foolish when everybody

does.

But if nobody does it, she'll look foolish.

So, nobody does it. Agree?

Agree.

That's great. So, do the same rules apply for the wedding?

No. We have to get her a wedding gift. Why? I cannot afford to get Tony that

expensive crap she expects.

But, you know, hey, why don't the three of us do it together?

Yeah. And while we're having the threesome, we'll decide on a gift.

Hey, you know what? I know what we can get her. How about having a tree

oh, or star named in their honor on the day of the wedding? Wouldn't that rock?

Okay, Lane, all that right there is why people register.

No, women register because they've been brainwashed into believing that somehow

a new set of dishes and top -of -the -line cutlery will lessen the pain of

entering into an archaic institution put in place to oppress them.

Okay, you won't be writing the card.

No, I'm with Lynn.

Registries are for the women. I say we buck the system and get something title

-like, like an Xbox or stripper.

Stripper with an Xbox.

No, no, no. You know what? Just leave us a blank check, and we'll get the gift.

Okay, so what's our limit?

Um, I don't know. $300?

Whoa, that is one high -class stripper.

All right, three people, $300.

Seems clear.

$300, yeah. So, William, you'll pay $175, you pay $100, and I'll pay $25.

I think when you had that baby in high school, you let a couple of those math

classes slide.

Because I need your money, I'm going to let you slide. At least until we buy

this wedding gift. But then it's going to be all like popcorn.

Apparently, you let a couple of those English classes slide, too.

Oh, honey, look at you. You can hardly walk.

Ellis, it's a marathon.

I don't need to be able to walk. I need to be able to run.

I think you're overdoing it.

Maybe you should wait until next year to run the marathon.

Oh, so what are you saying?

You don't think I can do it?

You think I'm weak? You think I'm a quitter?

No, I'm just saying you can't cram for a marathon.

Why not?

Cramming works for me. I cram for the bar exam and I kick butt.

I cram for my first date with you and you actually believe that I've seen all

your movies.

So cramming is a friend to Joan Clayton.

Unlike some people.

God, what is going on with you? No, what's going on with you? Why can't you

be there for me, Alice?

I'm starting to wonder why I'm here at all.

You really... Okay, slow your roll.

Just nod and smile.

Welcome to the Los Angeles Marathon.

Alice.

Alice, I don't think I can do it.

Maybe you were right. Maybe I should wait till next year. Joan, you've come

far. You can do this. No, I can't. You're just nervous.

That I can't do it. Joan, look at me. Look at me. Okay.

One of the reasons why I admire you is because of your determination and your

conviction. You can do this. You really think I can do it? You can do this. I

can. Yes.

I can do it, huh? Yes. Yes.

Yes. What can you do? This. Go do it.

Go do it.

Okay.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

I know you couldn't, but hey, you'll get him next year, huh?

Take it to mile one. Yeah, I know you didn't, but you'll make it to two next

year. Okay.

Hey,

where is she? On the couch.

Jay Clay!

What happened to you? We're waiting for hours for you at mile five.

Yeah, you had us standing on that corner looking like Boo Boo the Fool.

Wait a minute, we were a couple minutes late.

You weren't up in front with the Kenyan woman, were you?

I never made it to mile five.

Hell, I never made it to mile one.

Her leg cramped up.

Well, I hope you got a cramp in your hand.

Because that's the only thing that could explain why the hell you didn't call

us.

Come on, guys, give her a break. She's had a really tough day.

She had a tough day.

Obviously, you've never done your business in a port -a -potty in haute

Here, it's time to ice again.

Oh, I told you, I don't want that. Well, you need it. What I needed was to train

for the marathon for the past six months. Yeah, I agree.

Uh, so what are you saying?

What are you saying, I'm some sort of dummy who can't finish what she starts?

Huh? Oh, okay. We done walked in on some issues. Go do it.

You know what?

What you want with the ice?

Okay, did you just throw something at me? Because my mama doesn't throw

at me. What is wrong with you? Are you on your period or something?

Snap, snap.

It's all like popcorn.

Okay, so why does my problem have to be with my period? Why can't my problem be

with you?

I don't have time for this. I'm out of here. Okay, don't you dare walk out on

me.

We are going to deal with this right now. Deal with what?

What is it this time, crazy woman?

Did I leave a hair in the shower?

Or did I forget to put the milk back so the label will show?

Don't patronize me after everything that I've given up for this relationship.

Given up? What have you given up? I mean, besides your sanity.

And sex. And sex. Whatever happened to that?

Oh, so this is all about your needs?

What about my needs, Alice? I was supposed to finish the marathon, and I

because of you.

What? The fact you didn't finish is my fault?

I'm supposed to be off men, focusing on the marathon. on finally doing something

for Joan.

Something that I could actually feel good about. But no, I had to go and meet

you. And you wanted to go to this great little Moroccan place four times a week.

And my crazy ass said, sure, I love Moroccan food when everybody knows that

hate Moroccan food.

What the hell are you talking about? I am talking about how I'm sitting there

that stupid pillow just propped up eating with my hands when I should have

training for the damn marathon.

I'm talking about how I just give...

I'm not there for you? Who scraped you off the damn street today? That is the

least you could do after everything that you put me through.

Your baby's mama drama?

You're whining about your career? What about my career, Alex? You didn't say

when I didn't make partners. Don't make up your damn mind. You said you were

okay with it. That's because I knew you weren't interested in talking about it.

Because there you were just propped up on your pillow like the Grand Poopta,

stuffing your face with a cookie.

If you hate Moroccan food so much, why didn't you say something?

Because I'm a good...

Girlfriend. But do you appreciate that?

No. You just rate me a five and a half.

What are you doing, Ellis, huh? What are you, slumming?

Dating the dog -faced girl?

Not anymore, I'm not.

Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead, just walk out like the rest of them. Go on.

I mean, I didn't want to wreck her flow, but what the hell is a ground poof day?

Tony is tripping with this wedding registry.

A $2 ,000 gas drill, a boat she refers to as the FF's Fabuloso,

and directions to her dream house. Who registers for her dream house?

She saw it in my big, fat Greek wedding. Okay, well, you know what? Somebody

needs to tell her that she's having a big, fat Fresno country folk wedding.

And they don't roll like that.

Neither do we. This registry is outrageous. There's nothing on here for

Oh, yes, there is.

Page 31, the solid gold chopstick.

Yeah, we could give them that.

If they're lucky, someone will buy them the other one.

All right, looks like we have to up the budget.

Well, all right, I guess I can't kick in a little bit more now that we don't

have to worry about Joan getting married in this lifetime.

So there's like an extra $5 right there.

Joan drove another one away. Oh, big time. And we had front row seats.

I mean, I've always been there for the aftermath, but I've never actually seen

how she does it. Yeah.

It was exciting.

Scary.

Yeah, yeah, she's my girl, but you know what? I don't know who's ever going to

be crazy enough to marry that.

In her defense, she was on her period.

How you doing?

Well, you said Joan was on her period, right?

Mm -hmm.

I know how you gals sync up, and I just wanted to get out of here before one of

you snaps and drives me home.

You know, I can't decide between the burnt sugar buttercream and the hazelnut

ganache. Lynn, you can't keep getting back in line for the tasting. Not an all

-you -can -eat buffet, okay?

So save some for the other folks.

Everybody's got a vote.

Joan, come on, try the, oh, the chocolate chestnut with cognac, girl.

Fresno folks like the yak.

Oh, my gosh. I forgot my towels in the dryer.

I don't want them to wrinkle. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

Girl, you better get back here and eat. cake? No, no, two minutes. Just, it'll

be two minutes, Tony.

Tony, you know, I'm gonna say this to you one more time, okay?

Costco sheet cake.

All right, order on Tuesday, get it on Wednesday.

Oh, no, they'll write anything you want. English, Espanol, Korean.

Oh, there's better be somebody with a damn gift.

See?

Nobody brought a gift, and she looks foolish.

party. Tony Charles cannot have any drama today unless you brought a gift.

That's right. It's your cake parties today. I'm sorry, Tony. With all that's

been going on, I forgot.

So is that a no on the gift?

Yes. Bye -bye. I'll come back later. You do that.

No, no, no, no.

Tony, I asked him to come. Oh, girl.

Why didn't you tell me you guys made up a plan to kick him out?

Well, we didn't.

Well, then he gotta go.

No, I need him to get his stuff.

Now? She's right, Joan. Now is maybe not a good time. No, Ellis, come on. You're

about to do a movie and be on location for two weeks. Come and get your stuff.

I'm shooting in Burbank.

Just come and get your stuff.

Joan, this is my talk. Two minutes, okay?

Two minutes. You know, I'm not from Fresno, but I can get with this yak.

Joan, why are we doing this now? This is embarrassing.

Because I believe when something's over, it needs to be over.

You're in the middle of your best friend's party.

Well, that's everything.

If you're missing anything, there are stores.

It's been fun.

Have a nice life.

You know, you have issues.

No, I don't.

You were my issue, and now you're gone, so I'm easy like Sunday morning.

Right.

I'm your issue.

Not Tony and her wedding.

What? You know, nothing, okay?

You're obviously in denial, and I don't want to fight anymore.

No, go ahead. Say it. Stand behind it. Be a man about yours. What?

Okay, fine.

You want the truth? I'll give you the truth. I don't think you can handle it,

but here it is.

All of this is not about us.

You're jealous of Tony.

That's crazy.

Is it?

You ran out on her toast.

You told me to come over here in the middle of her party, and when I get

you're folding towels.

I mean, come on, Joan. Come on.

That's why the marathon popped up again.

Tony's won something, now Joan's got to win something.

You are jealous of the fact that your best friend is getting married.

Ellis, let me be clear.

You were my problem.

The way you never appreciated me in this relationship was my problem.

So don't put my issues with you on my best friend.

I don't have a problem with Tony or her wedding. I am excited about it. I am

happy for her. Do you hear me?

I am happy for my best friend.

I am happy for her. I am happy for my friend. Do you understand?

I'm happy for my friend. I am happy for my friend. I'm happy. I am happy for my

friend.

I'm happy for her.

Okay, I'm happy for my friend.

I'm happy for my friend.

you to my best friend.

Uh, Tony, Joan's crying because she's happy.

Happy we're back together.

Oh, though the love that Todd and I share has inspired you both.

That's wonderful.

And here I was thinking Joan was jealous of me getting married.

It's time to announce the winning cake.

Uh, Tony, don't you think we should get Todd's vote?

Yeah. Where is it, anyway?

Oh, hell.

Everybody, look under the pillows.

Tony. I don't know, okay?

I'm pretty sure I put them on the list.

Now, the winner is... the chocolate chestnut cognac!

It's my favorite, even though it's the least expensive.

Oh, least expensive. Oh, you know what? Lynn, William, and I will pay for it.

It'll be our wedding gift to you.

That's so sweet.

Now I can use that $2 ,000 on something else.