Original subtitles

Hey, girl. Hey.

Hey, did you remember to pick up Jabari? Yeah, he's in the back. Oh, my, wait.

What, what? Um, there's a problem with Jabari.

Joan, girl, if he saw you naked again, get over it. He's only eight.

Well, that's not it. And he's eight and a half, and what do you mean again?

Come on, Joan, talk to me. I got presents to hide. That's just it. What

Come here.

Oh.

What?

Maya. Yes?

Jabari doesn't believe anymore.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you telling me that my baby has lost his walk with the Lord?

no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He doesn't believe in Santa anymore.

Oh.

Oh, well, girl, you know, he is eight and a half, huh?

No. No, don't you understand?

What? He's losing his innocence.

This is all because of the divorce. I mean, Maya, I was 12.

When I stopped believing, and it's no coincidence that that's the same year my

parents split up.

Twelve? Yeah.

Joan, do not blame your arrested development on divorce.

No, he's not real.

Of course Santa's real.

Christmas is nothing without Daddy here anyway.

I think you've got to nip it in the bud.

Jabari, look at me. You see all this? See all this bling bling? Who do you

gave it to me?

Santa.

That's right.

And Auntie Toni had to sit on a lot of laps to get all that jewelry.

More than once she had to dig around in his sack.

Jabari. Baby, the point is Santa is real, okay?

And how does he go to every house in one night? The truth is that there are

hundreds of Santas who divide the world up into regions that they can cover.

So the guy that's going to deliver your presents isn't so much Santa Claus as he

is a regional Santa Claus. And you are so lucky that you're living in this

region because I had the Fresno regional Santa.

Now, that clown was giving out things from the local feed store. I mean,

What's a little girl going to do with a hoof pick?

There's lots of Santa's. Why do they pretend there's only one?

That would make Mrs. Claus a big old freak.

Monica!

Are you interested in a Saint Nicky Cootie?

and some of your reindeer games.

But for now, we have important matters to discuss.

Oh. You know that big Christmas party that McDonald hosts every year? Yeah,

well, I've heard about it, but I've never been.

It's only for the firm's senior partners and biggest clients.

Well, I ran into Mrs. McDonald at the Huntington Library luncheon, and I

convinced her that it's time someone else take on the burden of doing that

party. And that someone is you.

What? I'm hosting a Christmas party?

Sweetie, I'm not a senior partner.

so you can appreciate the magnitude of what I just pulled off.

Oh, and just so there's no misunderstanding later, this is still a

senior partners and big clients, none of your basketball buddies, and certainly

not Joan and her coven.

Well, what about my fellow philately?

And no stamp lickers.

Oh, come on, sweetie.

You don't lick a rare stamp. You mount it carefully. Within our cut, fine,

there's no stamp lickers.

You know, I'm lucky to have you.

Have your tux ready for Christmas Eve.

Oh. Well, there's a ball that's going to need some juggling. I promise my, I

dress up like Santa for Jabari on Christmas Eve.

That's why I'm trying on a suit.

That, and I love the way it feels without underpants.

William, do you want to be a senior partner or not?

Of course I do. Well, I did not spend my day arranging for you to host this

party to have you tell me you'd rather play Santa for some secretary's brat.

Jabari's going through a really tough time now with his parents' divorce.

He really needs some of that Santa magic this Christmas.

What that boy needs is a good foster family.

Come on, my car.

This party is your chance to rise to the senior partner's level

socially.

Once you've done that, it's just a small step to rise professionally.

I hate to disappoint that kid.

Sir. You'll have face time with them to suggest that you are the man for the

Citigroup case you've been jockeying for.

Oh, what the hell, Jabari's eight?

Time you learn the truth about Santa Claus.

Well, take off that stupid suit.

I'll take off mine if you take off yours.

Oh.

Ho, ho, ho.

My sleigh bells are ringing.

I can't, all right? I simply can't. William, hasn't Jabari gone through

He lost his family, and now you want him to lose Santa? This kind of one -two

punch can stay with a child for years.

I'm giving you enough notice. You can find somebody else.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see

what was the matter, when what to my wondering eyes should appear?

Nothing, because you suck.

I'm sorry I'm not going to spend Christmas with you, but I hope you

made my plans before we got together.

I could figure something out if you want to go.

No, Todd, go on your ski trip and have fun.

You're Jewish, and Christmas means nothing to your people, just like being

in the cold for no good reason certainly means nothing to mine.

Great.

I mean, good.

Good.

Uh, so I'll pick up a great present for you in Aspen, and we'll celebrate when I

get back.

You didn't get me a present yet?

Okay, little boy.

You're not just short. You got a death wish.

Damn, you're easy.

I don't get it. Are there diamonds under the

skirt? No, it's you.

I had it made special.

I wanted to give Tony Childs what she loves the most. Tony Childs.

And this way, while I'm gone, you could play with yourself.

All puns intended.

No, no, I said Dom Perignon.

Get it together.

Sweetie. Hey, baby.

I need a check for $20 ,000.

Who doesn't?

For the party.

This party's going to cost me $20 ,000?

You have to understand, there's caterers, decorators, valets.

Whatever happened to kookaroo, a box of tinsel, and park your own damn car?

William, I chose you because I thought I could help you get to the top.

I did not plan on dragging you there kicking and screaming.

Okay, first of all, I chose you.

Actually, darling, I was at a party McDonald's was hosting and heard

mention your name.

I did a little research, found out you frequent the Blue Bar.

But I came up to you.

Now, how did you know I would do that?

Please.

Every straight man in that bar came up to me.

And a couple of lesbians.

And a gay guy who didn't want to feel left out, okay?

So all this time you've been lying to me about how we met?

And what does it matter?

We're together now.

Well, I'm getting a little tired of you trying to run my life. I don't see why.

Now that it's finally been run properly. I was happy before I met you.

You were a sad sack. with a broken heart and a stalled career.

Well, you know, I would rather go back to being that than continue to be your

puppet.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this party's off.

So are we.

Good morning, William.

Hey, where's Monica?

She's gone.

Oh, don't be sad.

I mean, you got your soul back.

And don't worry about Monica.

Any good parasite will find a new host body to attach itself to.

Well, you ought to know.

Oh, somebody got their funny bone back for Christmas.

So, can I tell Maya that you're back on as Jabari's regional Santa?

Sure. So,

see you tonight, Santa.

Kitchen's small, but I'm sure you can make do.

Monica, what are you doing here?

Start unloading the truck. I'll just be a moment.

Thank you.

All right, William, make it quick. I have a million things to do to get ready

for your party tonight.

Weren't you listening yesterday when I said I was canceling the party and

breaking up with you?

Oh, we both said a lot of things yesterday that we didn't mean.

Wait a minute.

You may have, but I meant it.

What I heard yesterday was fear talking.

William, I'm asking you to cast off all the limits you ever put upon yourself

and dare to dream for what you once thought was unattainable. And that's

You think Bill Clinton wasn't scared the first time he ever dared to want to be

president?

You may think it's easier to resign yourself to a nondescript life of mid

ordinariness.

But the toll it will take on your soul, it's so much more painful than you

realize.

I'm not going to be president, Monica.

You are the only one who stands in your way.

That's why you need a woman besides you who believes in you, the way I do.

When I saw you at the blue bar... Saw?

Stalked.

Whatever, you should be flattered.

Come on, William.

I did exactly what you did. I saw what I wanted, and I went after it.

The only difference is, I did a little research first.

Please don't tell me we're going to break up over this.

I just don't like being manipulated.

I mean, the way we met, the little Christmas get -together that turns into

,000 gala.

Okay, fine.

The party was my idea, so I'll pay for it. No, no, I consider it an investment

and something I believe in.

You.

Go visit my girlfriends and cheer them up.

Men never stare at them.

Oh, hi, Joe, Maya, Lynn.

Hey, why am I a sponge?

Think about it.

Tell your friend I'm going to rip her head off. Don't you touch my doll.

I was talking to the doll.

When's Rachel and Santa going to get here?

You know what, Jabari, you need to cut the fat man some slack, okay? He's got a

lot of deliveries to make.

How did he get down the chimney? Okay, you know what, Jabari, baby, you know

what? If you don't believe in regional Santa, why don't you just go to bed,

okay? And when Santa gets here, I'll tell him to take all of your toys to

child who does believe. How about that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He

believes. He believes.

Jabari, you believe, don't you?

Yeah, but I don't only live here. All regional Santa know where to find me.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Auntie Joan sends a change of address form to the North Pole.

Why does he send it to the North Pole if he's regional?

Because.

Because everything gets routed through the North Pole. It's like FedEx.

Everything gets routed through Memphis.

You know what? That has always bothered me. Why do all my packages have to go

through Memphis?

Hey, William.

Hey, is everything on schedule?

What?

Okay,

William, this is just wrong.

I know, I just can't get away right now.

I should have called you earlier, but with the party and everything...

the guests are arriving!

Joan, I gotta go.

Will you please tell Maya I'm sorry?

And hey, Mary... Monica, I feel so awful about this.

Of course you do.

You're a good person.

But maybe this will cheer you up.

Hey, Mrs. Whittleson.

Great party, William.

Oh, hey.

Did you hear that? He called me William.

He always calls me Dent, but this time he called me William. You see? Yeah.

Um, uh, Mr. Sweedleson?

About that Citigroup case.

Think an eight -year -old kid will buy me his regional Santa?

Well, that depends.

Is he an idiot?

Get one, girl!

Look, the kids have to sleep. Just keep moving and try to look jolly. Yeah,

please, do something, because I've got a bike to put together before 5 a .m.

Okay, come on now, get up the chimney.

I'm not getting in the chimney.

You are the one helping or preserving that child's innocence.

Now, you're going to get your ass up the chimney. Go.

Jabari, hurry up and get in here and see our regional Santa. Come on. Maya, I

can't. I'm not ready.

Ho,

ho, ho, ho.

And Merry Christmas, Jabari.

Get our regional Santa, your Auntie Joan.

Auntie Joan and why you're wearing her shoes.

Because Regional Santa is a cross -dresser.

Thank you for coming.

Bye -bye.

We might come in with us to McDonald's condo to see his new Picasso.

Thank you, Mr. Sweetle State.

I'd love to, but... He'll meet you there.

Okey -dokey. Thank you for the party.

Please tell me you were not

going to turn down the opportunity to go to McDonald's house.

Oh, Monica, the party's over.

I'm going to try and make it over to Joan's house and surprise Jabari. Oh,

you've been invited to one of the senior partner's houses to see his Picasso.

That's where the real networking's going to happen.

Well, maybe I'm through networking on Christmas Eve. Do you want...

working toward.

Sweetie, we keep having the same argument over and over again.

I know.

And I'm tired of it.

Me too.

I guess we both know what this means.

Yes.

I think we do.

You need to cough up $20 ,000 because I'm stopping payment on my check.

Well, maybe we can see if we can work this out for the next seven or ten

business days.

Well, well, well, William, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be back at your place, putting all the candles around the

pentagram with that witch?

Somebody just go wake up Jabari and tell him his regional signer's here.

I think I can work up some ho -ho -hos.

be regional Santa or not. It's too late, William.

He already knows the truth.

His childhood ended tonight. Thank you.

Oh my, I'm so sorry.

Yes, you are.

Jabari had to face the reality about Santa just the same way we had to face

reality about you.

Merry Christmas.

Look, I... Merry Christmas.

Monica. Hello.

William.

Your housekeeper tells me you're on your way to St. Bart's. You seem like as

good a time as any to get out of the country.

Do you want something?

Just to tell you that you were right.

Not going to McDonald's house cost me that Citigroup case.

Ken Duncan crashed the party and...

Made a big fuss over the man's Picasso, and he ended up getting the case, so I

pretty much wound up with nothing.

I wasn't there for my friends, and I lost you.

Monica, I made a mistake.

I admire that you admit your mistakes.

Of course, someday, when you're president, that'll have to stop.

So what happens now?

Ken Duncan got the case, huh?

I mean, between us.

William, this is us.

Well, let's plan our next move.

Thanks to the party, the senior partners see you in a whole new light. So, while

Ken Duncan has his nose buried in law books for Citigroup, you'll be playing

golf with your brand new party buddies.

Sweetie, I don't play golf.

You will.

Tony's feeling.

Give her a kiss.

I'm not kissing a doll. Oh, it's like that? Yeah, it's like that. Well, then

bring it on then. You want to go? What's your problem? Come on.

Thank you, Todd.

Thank you. This has been the scariest Christmas ever.

Baby, never leave me alone with me again. I'm far too mesmerizing.