Original subtitles

Dr. Todd Garrett.

Hey, Tony.

Hey, I'm glad I was looking down or I might have missed you.

Is that still all you got to insult me with, a short joke?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Have you grown?

Only emotionally, something you wouldn't understand.

Oh, good comeback.

Somebody's been practicing. All right, all right. What else you got? Come on,

hit me.

Look, have you eaten?

Actually, I was on my way to a dinner party at Jones. Do you want to come?

I don't know.

Why were you going?

Off to liberate your fellow oompa -loompas?

First of all, we're not prisoners there. We work there because we like

chocolate. See, you always gotta go to my beauty.

No, you always have to go to your beauty. I just really like chocolate.

Welcome to my world. Have a seat.

Hey, Doc. How are you?

Okay, catch me up and get me a knife. I already know how to cut, William. Who

else do I have to cut?

Both of them. And you might as well cut Todd, too, because I know he's going to

take their side.

All balls tend to bounce to the same beat.

Hey, Todd, you want some wine? Sure.

All right, all right. Maybe horror was a little strong.

But all I'm saying is all women have a price.

Well, that is not true, honey, because there is not enough money in the world

make me sleep with you.

So you wouldn't sleep with William for $10 million?

No, I'd sleep with William's mama for $10 million.

The point is, you guys think of us as commodities to be bought, sold, and

traded. Isn't that sad?

Exactly. You rate us like bonds, and once we depreciate, you unload us.

Joan, Joan, don't worry. I'm going to hold on to you at least until you

Okay,

just for that, you ain't getting any.

we women evolved past using sex as a weapon.

No.

That's what you women do.

And the second we do something wrong, you start locking it up. Hey, hey, hey,

hey. I invite you here to eat, not to talk, little fella.

You see, that's another thing.

You judge us by superficial standards.

He's too short.

He's too bald. He's got jock itch.

Sorry, I didn't mean to share that.

You know, he does have a point. We can be hard on men.

Listen to her.

Look at the way I treated Bosco.

Okay, you know what? Maybe we are hard on you guys, but it's only as a reaction

to the way that you judge us.

It's so true.

Her butt's too big. Her butt is too flat.

Her butt is too wide.

Her butt is too jiggly.

Her butt's too perfect.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, what, what? I'm not a 10?

Oh, if I'm not a 10, I want to know who's a 10.

Whoa, whoa, look, look. All women are beautiful.

The fact that there's a rating system is both degrading and offensive.

You know, it all comes down to womb envy because we are the life givers and

you... Shut up. Seriously, though, guys, if I'm not a 10, I want to know who the

hell is.

Halle Berry.

Okay.

do not have a shot at dating Halle Berry should not be commenting on Halle

Berry. I don't think men who have less than nine inches should be commenting.

You see, you see, women reduce men to numbers, too. It's just different ones.

Like, how many cars you own. Right. Or how much money you make. And that whole

inches thing.

By the way, notice, I'm commenting.

Commenting? Hell, I'm pontificating.

Hey, if commenting is tight inches, I could talk to the cows, come home, and

rope me a steer with what I got.

Well, I'm glad you have some height somewhere.

Talk about degrading and offensive.

See, all you women want are men with big penises and deep pockets. Oh, come on.

That is not what we want.

Yeah, we can be flexible. I mean, in my case, the deeper the pocket, the smaller

the penis can be. Okay, okay.

are trying to say in their very jibber -jabber kind of way is that what women

want is security.

You know, we want to be taken care of, to be protected.

You know, money is just one aspect of it, and the whole big penis thing, I

assume.

That's what I was trying to say. Thanks, girl. See, we want to feel secure and

protected. That's why I can't date a short man.

Sorry, Todd.

Yes, you are.

Well,

this... woman doesn't need a man to protect her because if i'm ever attacked

i'll just scream out that's what i told the president and then i just fall down

i start sizzling like bacon that's a little crazy exactly

And no one wants to mess with a crazy person.

And by the way, I love big penises, so if y 'all see any at the gym... What are

you talking about? I don't act like you guys don't look. Okay, okay. I think

it's clear what most women and Lynn want.

No. What do you guys want?

I want to know who tells you we look.

Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't look. Neither do I, dude.

Me neither. That's why I'm so pissed off.

Dirty lie.

No, really.

Okay, women want security. What do men really want?

Halle Berry.

We're not just any Halle Berry. We're talking about a Halle Berry that cooks,

like my mama. Oh, yeah, and clean.

Like my mama. And is adventurous in bed.

Well, daddy did die a happy man.

Ella?

Yeah, baby? How do I rate?

What?

I mean, not that it matters, but on a scale of one to ten, how do I rate it?

You know, I think you're beautiful.

So?

How beautiful?

You're a nine, baby.

A solid nine.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm not just saying that. You are a nine.

Ellis.

But come on, if Hallie's a 10, I know I'm not a 9. So tell me the truth.

I want you to be able to say anything to me.

If Hallie's a 10... Yes.

No points for personality, intelligence... Look, straight up, look.

On a scale of 1 to 10,

Joan Clayton is...

Okay, a five.

A five?

Yeah.

Oh, oh.

And a half.

Okay, Ellis said you were a five. And a half.

With all that booty? That's how I got the half.

Okay, girl, if you're a five, I must be a what? A seven?

I'm just... Girl.

You look great in my book where you're a ten.

Yeah, but I don't want to look good to you. I want to look good to him. And he

thinks I'm a five.

Hell, I'm so far away from being a ten, I might as well let the hair grow where

it wants to.

Joan, please, stop tripping.

Your ass alone is a twenty.

Lynn, you are way too focused on my ass.

Please, Joan, I don't want you.

You're a five.

Hey, hey, leave my best friend alone.

Look at me, Joan.

You're beautiful, stunning, exquisite, gorgeous, honey. We can't let these men

screw us up.

You're a ten.

We're all tens.

Three. Listen, chump.

If you want a tip, you better shut your trap.

Tony, he's talking about the food, not you.

Oh, I know he wasn't talking to me. I was defending Joan. I'm confused, not

crazy.

Tell me you did not just tap my ride.

Dude, relax.

There's no damage. It was just a tap.

Oh, man, lady, look at this.

This is a custom paint job.

Stop tripping. There's nothing there.

Open your door and let me see.

Please, I'm not opening my door. Open your door and you'll see my paint all

it. Must be crazy.

You scratched my car.

I'm late. Move.

Open it. You know what, little boy?

Get a life.

Bitch. I said open the damn door. Hey, get your hands off of her. Go to hell.

All right, all right, dude. Take it easy.

Not until you apologize to the lady.

Dude, just let me go.

Apologize. Fine.

I'm sorry, huh?

You all right?

Yeah.

Thank you for coming to my rescue.

That's what here every woman wants.

A man to protect her, make her feel secure.

Too bad I'm so short.

Hey.

Hey, Tony. What are you doing here?

I missed you.

Tony. Oh, all right, all right. Stop badgering me.

I think I'm falling in love with Dr. Too Little.

Come on, get in here. Quick, quick.

Time to order frappuccinos with the pedicast.

Better. Tony fell in love with Pocket Doc.

You guys call him Pocket Doc?

What? You think he's so little he can fit in a pocket?

Okay, y 'all know that it's so wrong not to mention mean and hurtful.

We're sorry.

But this is great.

What part is great?

Well, that you're in love. With Pocket Doc? Hello?

Well, does he know?

No, and he never will. But if you're really in love... It just can't work.

I mean, if we get married and have a kid, our kid will be short.

Then in school, he'll always be picked glass for kickball, which will cause him

pain and anger until he explodes in a violent crime spree. And then in prison,

because he's so little, he'll have to be some muscle -bound killer's bitch,

okay?

And I just cannot have that happen to my baby.

Oh, my God, you're pregnant?

Now, William.

Boy, hell no.

Now you all are in a huddle and you said baby? Wait a minute, where's Lynn?

Look, y 'all, this ain't my baby.

William, Tony is in love with Todd.

Oh, the pocket duck.

She doesn't want to love him because he's short.

That's a wise decision, Tony.

Wise decision?

The girl is in love. She can't ignore what may be her last chance at true

Forget Tony. The competition for women in this town is hard enough for a big

strapping guy like me. You start letting short guys into the game, I can end up

warming the bench with the fatties and the mama's boys.

Boy, what are you worried about? You got a woman. Damn straight, because I'm

tall.

Exactly. Thanks, William. Now I know how to fix this mess.

Soccatini for you and a martini for me. You better stick to just one, Byron. You

know what they say about drinking at high altitudes.

Yeah, well, I never quite heard that one before.

So, Tony, you been in L .A. your whole life? Oh, who cares? All that first

where'd you grow up, where'd you go to school, stuff's so boring.

Let me get this straight.

You're a stockbroker, right?

Yeah, I'm kind of embarrassed to say that right now. You know, stockbrokers

aren't the most popular guys around.

Let's see.

You're tall, you're black, and you chose stockbroking over basketball.

Talk about your bad career move.

Well, Tony, just because I'm tall and black doesn't mean the only thing I can

is play basketball.

Oh, you're one of those tall brothers who ain't got game.

No, no, no, wait.

I got one better. You're more like black man can't jump so much for your hoop

dreams.

Tony, you seem kind of hostile.

Is anything wrong?

Oh, yeah.

Something's wrong.

Well, did I offend you? No.

That's what's wrong.

What? Come on. Work with me. I'm just trying to have a little fun.

Don't you want to have a little fun?

Huh? Turn up the heat.

Go ahead.

Take your best shot at me.

What? You heard me. Take your best shot. I'm a big girl. I can take it. Hit me.

So you're into that?

Yes. I love it.

Are you sure? Look, if you want to date me, you have to be able to go there with

me. So hit me.

Hey, I do want to date you.

He hit me on my arm. I slid off the bar stool and I banged my head.

Hey, Tony, that's God trying to knock some sense into you.

Oh, God, the feminist. She would never hit a woman. Look, the point is you

run away from love.

Love is a gift from God. I know, I know. That's why I made a decision.

I'm going to sleep with Todd. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We didn't say go from zero

60. We said date him. You don't understand. I'm trying to get rid of the

sex. is the quickest way I know to kill romance.

Okay, I don't know why I've been monopolizing the wine, but come again?

Well, nothing chases away romantic feelings faster than me sweating and

about my edges snatching back.

Tony, since when don't you like sex?

I never like sex.

Well, what about Greg?

You said it was the best sex you ever had in your life.

Well, there's an exception to every rule. Plus, y 'all remember how Greg

touch his nose with his tongue?

Woo! Enough said.

Okay, well, how do you know Todd won't be the exception?

Look, if there are that many exceptions, it would be the rule.

Sex is overrated.

Sure, it beats late -night television, but people make too big a deal of it.

know, Tony, I have a friend down at the university who's doing clinical trials

with women in bags. Oh, will you stop?

I'm not frigid.

If a guy can work at it like Greg did, I can lie back and enjoy sex.

Kind of like a quality pedicure.

Honey, either... You're sleeping with the wrong guy, or I'm going to the wrong

nail salon.

Hey, baby.

Hey, I, uh, I brought your favorite.

Look, look, look, look.

Donuts. Oh, great.

Let me just scarf those down. You could have a girlfriend who's a four and a

half. Oh, no, wait, you know what? I got Haagen -Dazs in the freezer. I could be

it, too.

Oh, no, wait.

Why stop there?

I might as well just eat everything in the fridge and I could be a big fat

Joan, Joan, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said anything.

But you have to know, on a scale of girls that actually want to date, you

the only perfect ten.

I bet you say that to all the five and a half. No, no, Joan, stop, stop. Look,

I'd never want to date Halle Berry.

Come on. How could you ever be comfortable around somebody that

What? Not that you're not beautiful.

But it'd be weird, huh? Weird to have all these guys always checking out your

girlfriend.

Not that guys don't check you out.

You know, I'm just going to grab my toothbrush and never come back.

Don't forget your audition mirror.

Come on.

I'm not perfect.

You know, I'm not 10.

I'm not... Denzel. Right.

I... What?

You know what?

You know what? You're right.

You're right, okay, I'm no Hallie and you're no Denzel, and maybe on some

that's a good thing.

I mean, women are always saying that they don't want men that judge them just

their looks, and here you are wanting to be with me because... because of all my

qualities, not my looks, and I should really appreciate you for that.

So, I'm no Denzel?

But you're talking Denzel ten years ago, right?

Trumpet playing, more but a blues Denzel.

No. I mean Denzel now.

Leather jacket wearing.

Training day.

Ooh la la, Denzel.

Come on, come on. He was only wearing that jacket to cover up his big old gut.

I don't know. You look like some scrumptious sexual chocolate to me.

What? The man has a double chin. And four kids. Are you telling me I'm not as

hot as a guy who has four kids and two chins?

Baby, let's just let this whole thing go, okay?

Yeah. I'm hotter than Taye Diggs, though, right?

Have you seen Brown Sugar?

Baby.

Dear God, first off, I want to thank you with all of my heart for bringing true

love into my life.

After Greg, I never knew I could feel so happy.

Of course, because you are an all -knowing God, I don't have to tell you

this love came in a slightly smaller package than I was expecting.

However... Because you are a merciful God, please give me the strength to

this wonderful little man for who he is and overlook his one flaw.

Make that two flaws.

Yeah.