Original subtitles

Must you screech like a banshee? Well, he needs to get up. No, you need to shut

up.

You know what? Hey, look, I'm not done with that yet. Unless you want to do the

dishes, you are.

Okay, who was running the dishwasher while I was in the shower?

Oops, my bad.

Well, the water was freezing, and now I've got to face my sucky job wide

Do you mind?

What? These flea bites are killing me.

And whose fault is that?

If you'd bathed your dog every once in a while, my house wouldn't be infested,

and we wouldn't be forced to live here in this den of waffle thieves!

No! We're here because you completely overreacted to only paranoid freak!

Tentahouse has to flee!

Oh!

Jamboree! Jamboree!

Woman, just go back there and wake him up! Don't you tell me how to raise my

child!

This is not my house.

Oh, hey, John!

Damn, what's up her butt?

Some folks just aren't morning people.

Kill it. Don't file it down to an arrowhead.

Better not be someone else trying to move into my house.

Okay,

you know what? This is not an arrowhead. It is a hatchet.

your father.

Oh, wait a minute. What about that profile?

Maybe Lenny.

Who are you?

I'm your birth mother.

My what?

Oh, honey, didn't anybody tell you you were adopted?

Well, Joan, this would explain the yen you have for Miracle Whip.

Joan, you're not Lynn. Wait a minute.

You're Lynn's birth mother?

Okay, here's your precious Boston bib lettuce.

Uh, Lynn?

Well, this is... Hi, I'm Sandy.

I'm your birth mother.

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God.

Look at you.

I haven't got a clue who your father is.

Okay, very funny, guys. Where's the hidden camera?

You were born in Charlottesville, Virginia, February 19th, 1971.

You came out butt first. because you have an ass -backwards mama.

Lynn, Lynn, we're going to be in the back. No, Joan, Joan, please stay.

So... So...

So... So I know that you're all

thinking it, so I might as well ask it.

Where the hell have you been, you deadbeat hussy?

Yeah, well, deadbeat.

Where have you been?

And what are you here for? Huh?

Blood? Bone marrow?

If it's a kidney, you can forget it because the girlfriends already have a

on that.

And do you really not know who her father is?

Guys, stop.

I mean, I know what you're trying to do and thank you, but...

I'm sure it was hard enough for Sandy to come here in the first place.

I've worked on so many documentaries. I thought, why not make my own? And the

topic was right there. I've always been passionate about sexuality.

You're the result of that.

Maybe you should have been a little more passionate about birth control.

Yeah, but then I wouldn't have had you.

And I wouldn't be sitting across from you.

No. Look at you.

You are beautiful.

No, I'm sorry.

I said I wasn't going to get emotional.

Right, right.

So, finish telling me about your documentary.

Well, I'm interested in exploring the history of sexual morals in this

I want to do for sex what Ken Burns did for baseball.

After all, they're both America's pastime.

Well, they both do have a lot of cheering when you slide headfirst into

base.

But no, really, I do hope that you explore the way we politicize sexuality

this country.

When it comes right down to it, I think it's a way for men to control women and

maintain the status quo.

Wow. I gave birth to a child who was so thoughtful and so brilliant.

And they say that you shouldn't drink and smoke when you're pregnant.

I guess we showed them.

Well, all I can say is thank you for finding me.

And even more importantly, thank you for giving me up because I don't think I

could have survived with a mother like you.

I am so relieved to know that you have great parents. They really are great

parents.

But there was always a part of me that just wanted to know who my real mother

was. Well, then the person who raised you and took care of you, that's your

mother. I'm not here to compete with that.

I just didn't want to leave this earth without knowing who you are.

In fact, just think of me as your slightly older friend who is in

of another whiskey sour.

Well, my slightly older friend is showing her thong to half the bar.

It wasn't a thong when I put it on.

I guess I ought to wear my thong.

Hey, at least you wear underwear.

Night. Oh, night.

Sweet dreams.

Oh, God.

That woman is driving me nuts.

What has she done now?

She used the blue fish -shaped sponge to wipe down the counter when everybody

knows that the fish -shaped sponge is for wiping down the fish -shaped cutting

board.

Joan, the woman is going through a divorce.

What do you got? How about housing a woman going through a divorce, not to

mention the two flea bags?

Oh, Tony, you gotta help me.

I got a house full of freeloaders.

All right, I'll talk to Maya, okay?

And say what?

Because you know she's going through some things.

I'll start out with, I know you're going through some things.

That's for you.

Then I'll tell her that she could probably use some extra cash. That'll

attention. And then I'll just bring it on home with, Maya, girl, do you want to

clean my bathroom? Because you gave Jones a sparkle that Carmella has never

given mine.

See? I win, you win, Maya wins.

Of course, Carmella's out in the cold.

But hell, that's where she started.

Novak eating an air.

William, this is Sandy, my birth mother.

Oh! And Thomas, her new friend from the blue bar.

Oh, hey!

Sandy, it's nice to meet you.

You've got a great girl here.

Not that she's really your girl, given that you decided to give her up and all.

I mean, I'm sorry about the faux pas.

She's not mentally prepared for company tonight.

Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

Hey, uh, William, what are you doing here? I thought you were going to be at

Monaco tonight.

Well, she's still out of town and looks like your mama's going to town.

Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Stop!

Get off!

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

I mean, it's just sex. We're all adults here.

When did you become such a prude? What happened to the sexually liberated woman

I was talking to at the bar?

Oh, who cares? You were about to have sex in front of me and you're my mother.

told you, I don't want to be your mother.

Oh, and you made that damn clear when you left me 30 years ago. Oh, here we

You're damn right here we go. You know, why did you even come here? To mess me

up more? I told you because I wanted to see you. But did you even stop to think

if I wanted to see you? Because I don't.

I was perfectly fine believing my mother was Cher.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

It's okay.

What the hell was I thinking?

I don't even know her.

I guess I just expected too much.

Well, the important thing is, is you have another mother that cares a lot

you. And a father, and a doggie, and a hot tummy.

I know.

And I have you guys.

I'll be fine.

I decided the best thing to do is just move on.

But promise me one thing.

If I'm acting like that at her age, just shoot me dead and shoot me some more.

Well, one good thing did come from all this.

You got a heads up on what your breasts are going to look like when they're 50.

It's not my birthday.

I know. It's for all the birthdays I miss.

Check out the horn. No, no, no. Thank you, thank you. We've heard the horn.

L .A. County's heard the horn.

Didn't want you to have to take the bus this morning.

Or any morning.

It's the least I can do.

Here.

Sandy, I can't accept this from you. Oh, come on.

I know you mean well, but look, you don't owe me anything.

Oh, yes, I do.

I really upset you last night.

Fine, send me a card.

Don't buy me a lowrider.

Look, part of me really appreciates you finding me, but another part really

isn't ready for this.

Maybe we could start with emails and work our way up to Scooter or something.

Sorry.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, Roberta, Roberta, I can't do all of these.

It's already six o 'clock.

But I didn't even eat lunch today.

Oh, God.

Hey, Coop. What are you doing here? I thought we'd go out to dinner.

I thought I made myself clear. I am not ready for a relationship with you, so if

you'd please go, I've got a lot of work to do. That's exactly what I want to

talk about.

Work. Not just work, but a real career for you.

Lynn, there's no way that you could be happy being an associate director of

whatever it is that you do. So why don't you become a real director?

Because you have to be up to date on all the tax laws, corporate accounting.

I mean, work with me.

Making documentaries.

Lynn, you've got the soul of an artist.

You want me to direct your documentary.

I think you need to jump in and get your feet wet first. You know, learn about

the process.

But, Lynn, someone with your keen insight into human behavior should not

working in a cubicle.

That's what I told them during the interview, but they hired me anyway.

And you would be doing me a favor because I've been having trouble finding

skilled production assistant.

Well, making documentaries would be more in line with my degree.

Uh -huh.

In sociology, psychology, anthropology.

There's one more I can't remember, but I'm pretty sure it is in whatever it is

do.

So, when do I start? As soon as you can wrap things up here.

Well, that's a wrap.

You what?

I quit.

Isn't it great? I finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I

you said you were through with Sandy.

Well, and she's trying.

And she came by the office this evening, and we started talking, and she offered

me a job. You have a job.

Excuse me, had a job. Aren't you even listening? I told you, it's not my

purpose. Is she going to pay you?

Yeah, when she can.

Oh, my God.

No, the money is going to start rolling in once we get this documentary made,

start winning some festivals.

Lynn, you are doing it again.

What about the student loan that you promised your parents you'd pay?

I'll pay them.

Half after we win Sundance and the other half after PBS picks it up. Duh.

Okay, Lynn, stop it.

Stop. Do not turn your life upside down just because some woman breezes into

town. She is not just some woman. She's my birth mother.

You know, I don't know why I'm even arguing with you about this.

Is that it?

Is that all you have to say?

Well, normally I would storm out right now, but since William's house is full

toxic chemicals and I just quit my job, I think I'll just stay here and make

myself a little sandwich.

Maya, I know things haven't been easy for you lately, but I want you to know

here for you. We all are.

Thank you, Tony.

However, now that you're going through a divorce, there's a few things that you

need to address.

And speaking of address...

You need to get one.

Tony, please tell me that's not in your sales pitch.

I know.

I was thinking two bedrooms, two baths, nice yard, good school. I think we might

have a few in your price range.

Tony, I make $16 an hour, okay? I can't afford any of these.

Joan pays you $16 an hour and you're still friends with her?

I know what you're trying to do.

Okay, and I know that Joan wants me out, and I appreciate all the work you've

done, but I will find a place on my own.

Well, you're going to need some money for that.

So, how do you feel about cleaning my place? Tuesdays and Thursdays work for

you?

Mondays and Wednesdays?

I was up all night reading Betty Dodson's Orgasms for Two.

Hurt the ball.

Brilliant.

It's all right here. Now, our whole goal is to help women find their sexual

voices, learn how to please themselves.

We've got to get Betty in the documentary.

Lynn, I'm flying out tonight.

You already booked her? You're already on the ball.

No, no, no. Some funding didn't come through, so I've got to go get another

backer.

Well, um, like, how long is that going to take? A couple weeks?

Oh, there's no way to tell. I'm putting the documentary on hold indefinitely.

Indefinitely.

But I already quit my job.

I'll just get another one.

Excuse me? Well, you've got about a thousand degrees. You'll get something.

Look, I've got to go.

So you're just going to leave me?

Again? Oh, come on.

You know, I'm not leaving you. I'm going to fix this mess. Look, if you're going

to be making documentaries, you've got to realize that this is part of the

process. You've got to get thick skin.

Toughen up.

Wait.

Look, maybe I could just come with you. You know, I'll help you get the

financing. I'm really good at it.

I've been bumming money from my friends for years.

Then I gotta go. I'll call.

You're driving me crazy. And the only way that I see for us to maintain our

friendship is for me to move out. Because you are impossible to live with.

Me? Yes, me.

You are the one who used the swifter on the patio.

Girl, you mopped my walls.

And if I trip on one more of Jabari's little toys in the middle of the night,

am going to melt them all down with a blowtorch.

Oh, George, I heard you.

Feel better?

Get it all out?

Yes.

Good.

Because I've been seeing the prices of apartments lately.

God just may be here for money.

When were you going to tell a brother the tent was gone?

Tomorrow.

I just needed a night without your constant yammering. No offense, roomie.

None taken.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I certainly don't see myself as the yammering kind.

Granted, from time to time I can... Oh.

Hey, are you okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

You know, Lynn, sometimes when people say they don't want to talk about it,

do want to talk about it. So when you want to talk about it, remember I'm

yammering again.

It's funny, I always saw myself as a little loquacious, but never yammering.

After all, I'm an attorney.

Discourse is the tool of my profession.

Hey, Sandy, it's Lynn.

Hope you had a safe trip.

If you were trying to get a hold of me, I'm back at Williams again.

So give me a call and let me know what's happening with the funding because I

still really want to be a part of it.

Hello?

Oh, I thought you picked up.

Okay.

Your car I will make you lunch yum yum yum and I will kiss your ass