Original subtitles

Okay, five minutes are up. What's the big surprise? I told you, we gotta wait

until Tony gets here.

But I will give you guys a little hint.

It has to do with all of us doing something very special with Ellis.

Hell no.

Joan, I am not doing any freaky -deaky Hollywood stuff, okay? Now, I may be

separated, but I'm still a very married woman.

Well, I'm in.

But I got some ground rules.

First and foremost...

Never touch my nipple with a cattle prod.

I don't think that requires any more explanation.

You were only supposed to be here an hour ago.

Oh, yeah, persecute me for having a life.

So, what is this big surprise?

Hope it's something to relieve this migraine because Layla is working my

nerve. Layla?

Isn't Layla Ali?

Yeah, she needs to buy a damn house and get the hell on.

Hell, there's that new slogan you've been looking for.

I'm telling you guys, every time we start out looking for a house, we end up

dining, shopping, or jumping rope.

Okay, I found her the perfect house.

And if she doesn't buy it, I'm going to knock her ass out Fresno style.

Hello. Hello. Hi. This little gathering is supposed to be about me and my

surprise. Oh, sorry, Joan, but I'm serious.

Okay.

Hopefully, you guys aren't busy Friday night because... This Friday?

Whatever it is, I can't go. I have to go to some funky Hollywood premiere with

Layla. Wait a minute. Premiere?

What premiere are you going to, Tony?

a movie aren't you going damn it tony that was my surprise well then speak up

next time well since tony blew it and the other half of the surprise

is that ellis has invited all of you guys to come as his guests you better

your tickets now because i of course will be sitting in the vip section with

ellis mezzanine why is

Give my ticket to some loser, okay? Layla may be working my nerves, but at

she'll be working them around people who matter.

So, should I go with the black?

The black.

Or... The black.

The black.

Definitely the black.

You're right. I should go with the purple.

You know, Jones, I have to...

I was starting to think that Ellis is one of those straight -to -video stars.

mean, Mary Hart has never once mentioned his birthday. Never.

But it looks like dating Mr. Hollywood is finally starting to pay off.

I'm not dating Ellis so that it'll pay off.

I'm just supporting my man at a work -related function.

Oh, that is a load of crap.

If it's no big deal, why'd you buy 15 different outfits?

Like you've never heard of buy 14 and get one free.

Okay, fine.

So I'm excited.

I mean, okay, I'm going to be walking down the red carpet at a movie premiere

with one of the stars of the movie posing for the paparazzi,

hobnobbing with the beautiful people, being one of the beautiful people.

Not dangerous.

Okay, wait, no.

We've got to stop.

Baby, I'm going to get lipstick all over you. I guess you'll just have to kiss

me in places that don't show.

Where are we stopping?

Oh, this is my publicity.

Oh.

Baby, congratulations.

Darling, who are you?

Oh, Darla, this is Joan.

My date. Come again?

Did you forget the image?

Unattached bachelor.

play a hottie. Yeah, I know. It's just that... What?

What, you want to change the image?

Go with the family man? Oh, please.

Just say the word. I got Nickelodeon on the speed dial.

I don't understand what the problem is. Bachelors have dates. No.

Bachelors have booty calls.

Or dates with other stars.

A hun is nothing personal.

You look like you really tried hard.

But you gotta go.

Darla, this is my girl. Don't talk to her like that.

Thank you.

Joan,

you know what?

Maybe you should just meet me inside.

What? Well, you see, Dahl is right. I do have to present a certain image.

If you could just help me out this time.

Oh.

Okay.

Driver, pull over here.

Uh -huh. This is your style.

Don't mess up those cute shoes.

Just wait here for the shuttle.

It comes every 15 minutes.

Um, yeah.

Okay.

When

are

Joan and Alice going to walk down this red carpet?

I'm trying to hit the snap bar.

I'm sorry I'm late.

The hell are you wearing?

Look, I'm not a rude. This is not my first Hollywood premiere.

I'm sure you remember my tour de fer with Mr. Pepper from Blue's Blue.

Well, I was fortunate enough to accompany her to the premiere of Blue's

Pajama Party.

I was the only one who didn't wear pajamas. Well, fool me once, shame on

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Hey, William, that explains why you're insane.

But it still doesn't explain why you dress like Charlie Pryde.

Hello, the name of the movie. a showdown at Dodge City.

Hello, it's about sibling rivalry at a car dealership.

I'm so embarrassed.

It's not that bad. Just take the hat off and no one will even notice.

Or maybe they will. You know what? Just put the hat back on and move the hell

away from us.

Fellas, enough.

Enough, fellas.

Hey. Hey.

Where's Layla? In the bathroom bringing out her dress.

They're not going to believe this, but that heifer showed up in the same dress

as me.

So I did what any sane person would do.

I spilled a bottle of wine on her.

Tony, please tell her she did not spill a bottle of wine on the super

middleweight champion of the world. Okay, it was a half a bottle. I had to

the rest. That child is raising my blood pressure.

Hey, Tony.

Layla, how'd you get your dress? Lucky for you, I learned to buy two of

everything ever since that run -in with Jackie Frazier with Image Awards.

Oh, you can buy two of everything, but you can't buy one house?

What? Nothing.

Girl, you crazy.

Behind you.

Joan,

I know this is your first premiere, but you're on the wrong side of the road.

Oh, no, it's a change of plans. I'm not going to be walking down the red carpet.

What happened?

It's no big deal.

Ellis needs to make a solo entrance.

You know, it's the way it's done all the time in Hollywood. I'll just meet him

inside. Oh, and you were all excited about walking down the red carpet.

I mean, your dress matches and everything.

Okay. Come on, I'll get another opportunity.

Maybe at the Oscars.

Jo, what, you don't think Ellis and I are going to be together that long? No,

don't think his career will last that long.

Okay? This may be your only chance, so you better sashay, Chante.

Maya, I can't just walk out there.

Of course you can.

Not without an introduction.

Lynn? What?

Come on. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

But the red carpet really made you cute. She's pop.

I see you caught the shadow.

Listen, I was able to find you a seat.

Find me a seat?

I'm not sitting with Ellis?

Oh, honey, how can I say that?

No. I'll do what Donna did do for you. Was find you a nice seat in the

mezzanine. Now, if Bell seriously shows up, just move over to Elmwood's. Okay?

Uh,

Maya? I can't see.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. Shh.

Where is he?

Is this Puff Williams?

She didn't say nothing about W. Dent.

Hey.

Hey. Have any of you seen Layla? I'm trying to ditch her so I can go to the

after party.

What after party?

At the Sunset Room.

Everyone was talking about it in the VIP section.

Speaking of which, where were you?

Yeah, Joan. Tell her where you were.

I was in the mezzanine.

What? Long story.

Did you and Ellis have a fight? No.

I'll tell you about it later.

No, girl, I'm here for you if you need me to stay. No, no, no, no. Honestly,

just go to the party. Have fun.

That was a gamble.

I'll see y 'all later.

Oh, here's Starla. Hey, Joe.

Where have you been?

Ellis has been looking for you. We were supposed to meet back here immediately

after the movie.

Where's Ellis?

I sent him to the party because he had interviews to do.

Starla Mason.

I believe that's your shuttle.

Joan, this is crazy.

He didn't even wait for you to go to the after party? No, he tried, but... But

what, Joan, huh?

See, that's the problem. There are too many buts. You know, you're invited to

the premiere, but you get tossed out of the limo. Oh, you can still see the

movie, but you can't have your own seat. Oh, oh, and there's a huge after party,

but... Here we are, standing around like a bunch of buttheads.

Joan, you do... You always accept the but in a relationship.

You thought Sean was the one but. He had a sexual addiction.

You thought Chris was fine, but you thought you'd take ecstasy.

And let's not forget Marcus.

He just had a big but.

And now, Ellis.

Nobody's perfect.

No one's even talking about finding somebody perfect, Joan. We're just

about finding someone who treats you right.

Ellis isn't trying to do me wrong, Maya.

I mean, if I should be mad at anyone, I should be mad at Darla.

You know, she didn't want to ruin my night.

Darla worked for Alice.

He ruined your night.

Now, if he wanted you by his side, you would have been.

Are we going to take the shuttle or what?

Joan,

listen, I know it's late. Way too late.

But I feel terrible.

I just had to come by and apologize. Oh, you want to apologize?

Again? Oh, where's my song?

Where's my lobster suit?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'll sing it for you, okay?

I'm so sorry I left you at the premiere. Break it down, break it down. I'm so

sorry I left you at the premiere.

Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass, dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Why did you even invite me tonight?

Because it was a big night, and I wanted to share it with the special woman in

my life.

But okay, maybe I was wrong to try and mix business with pleasure, because

face it, tonight ended up being all about work.

Look, Joan, I'm new at this whole aggressive publicity game.

I'm trying to move my career to the next level, and look, I know how bad you

must feel that I didn't acknowledge you.

Well, it's like when Denzel won the Oscar. He didn't even mention me.

I screwed up.

But... Let me make it up to you.

Well, I heard there's an after -after party.

It got shut down.

But I'm doing this interview tomorrow for People magazine, and I want you to

a part of it, seeing as you're a very big part of my life.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea that I was such a big part of your life. I mean, People magazine

is... Huge. Yeah, and when everyone sees our picture in it, they're going to

know you're my girl.

Oh, my God.

There's going to be a photo op? Yeah.

I've got to go do some crunches.

Thank you.

Joan,

this is Susan and Jeff from People Magazine.

Oh, People Magazine?

Was that today? Oh, I totally forgot. Please, come in.

Oh, gosh, the house is such a mess. I haven't even gotten dressed yet. You

I was just lounging around in this old thing, reading more in peace.

Or should I say re -reading?

Please, please, sit down.

Oh, careful, careful. You don't want to trip over that Toys for Tots box.

Okay, I'm just going to mosey on over here.

Turn down Albignoni's Adagio in G minor so that we can hear each other.

Joan, remember how we said it was okay for you to be yourself?

Oh, but darling... Truth,

I'm so nervous.

I've never done anything like this before.

You're doing fine.

So how long have you and Ellis been going out?

Oh, God, just a couple of months.

We met at the gym.

I hated him at first.

But look at that face.

I mean, how long can you hate a face like that?

And she's a brilliant attorney.

Brains and beauty. Who could resist?

God, Ellen.

Feel free to quote him on that.

Tony, I'm not stupid.

I know you tried to diss me the other night.

If you didn't want to hang out, all you had to do was say so.

Be a woman about yours and let me know how you feel, Coach. I thought we were

friends. Look, Layla, we have a lot in common.

You're at the top of your game, I'm at the top of mine, but I'm not really

friend material. I come with a lot of issues.

Oh, I kind of figured that out.

Okay, woman to woman, I already have three friends who's happened my

And besides, when I go out in public, I want people to say, who is that with

Tony Childs, not who is that with Layla Ali?

I know, shallow, but real.

So see, it's not my fault this could never be.

Girl, it's your fault. You're too fabulous for me.

Tony, we're equally fabulous.

Yeah, that's the problem.

We cancel each other out. See, you deserve a circle of your own less

friends. Like I have.

Girls, I wonder how you have any friends at all.

And by the way, I'm an escrow at Coldwell Bankers.

Here it is, here it is, here it is, here it is.

Go ahead, cut it. Cut it, cut it, cut it!

Cut, cut, cut!

Cut, cut!

Here, here, okay.

Where is it?

Where is it, where is it, where is it, where is it? Uh, page 57, Jo. How do you

know that so fast? A little invention called a table of contents. Oh, right.

hottest newcomer.

Oh, God, you look so good.

Oh, God, this is great.

Oh, that's a good quote. That's a good quote.

Okay, where's me?

Where's me?

Oh, here we go. Uh, Ellis is unmarried, but still hoping to find the right girl.

Oh.

Uh, hey, hey, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Alice, I can't take this, okay? Take what?

Look, I'm through being dismissed and disrespected like I'm not even here.

I told everybody that I know that I was going to be in People magazine.

Just the same way I told everybody that I know that I was going to be walking

down the red carpet with you.

This is humiliating.

My girls think that you're making a fool of me.

I can't be in a relationship like this.

Hold up, hold up.

Let me get something straight.

Are you in this relationship to be with me, or do you want some kind of

celebrity by association?

Because I have dated girls like that, and that's not what I'm interested in.

What are you saying, that I'm some sort of groupie? I'm not accusing you of

anything. I'm asking you, why are you in this relationship?

No, I'm asking you, why are you in this relationship? Look, I say right here on

page 58, I'm looking for a soulmate, someone I can build a future with. You

said that you're single and still looking. No, that's not a quote, Joan.

I can't control what the reporter writes. Okay, you can't control your

You can't control your publicist. What can you control? Nothing, all right?

Nothing.

Look, I tried. That's the best I can do.

I'm supposed to be celebrating my first big magazine profile, and here we are

arguing.

First of all, look, there's something you should know about me, okay?

I'm not a morning person.

I never should have dragged you down here. Then I would have seen the article

alone, and I would have had time to process it.

And then later, you know, when I saw you, I would have been passive

rather than confront you.

And then later, I would have forgiven you in like a week.

Okay, so maybe a month, all right?

Because I would have realized that you did, you did make an effort to include

in your life.

You know, Joan, that's a whole lot of crazy to waste on someone who's not an

actress.

Well, you know, I was the only student in moot court to get a standing ovation.

I better buy all these magazines so that no other women will be drooling over my

man. Guys!

Guys! People! Where's people?

Where's the people?

Did you come all the way down here because of Ellis and me being in people?

don't care about y 'all. I'm in it.

Hey, why?

Well, apparently my Western garb is a fashion boo.

What?