Original subtitles

Guess who just got the Thatcher -Dunn -Woody case?

Three hints.

He's tall, he's devilishly handsome, and he's not you.

Oh, every junior partner in the firm has been fiending for that case. How did

you get it? Well, I'm tall, devilishly handsome, but most importantly, not you.

William.

You are going to need co -counsel, aren't you? Oh, I know. I might.

I don't know. But who would I choose? Who would I choose?

Well, let's see. How about someone beautiful, charismatic, with an

encyclopedic knowledge of contract law?

No. I'm going to go with you.

Here you go.

That'll be $40.

Would you like to run a tab?

No, actually, this round's on me.

Then you do not have to buy. Hi.

Come on. How many times have you covered me? I have a job now, so let me do

this. Okay.

Listen,

I used to work here, so could you go in the back and tell my bud Ernie to take

care of this for the Lester?

Well, Lynn, sure.

Ernie has been fired for giving away too many free drinks.

So, that'll be played out.

Okay. You guys want to twist my arm? Life on you.

Miss Child?

Dr. Garrett.

Hi. Tony.

These are my friends Lynn, Maya, Joan, and William. This is Dr. Todd Garrett.

Hi. How are you?

He's a brilliantly preceptive plastic surgeon who told me I need to work

because... I'm flawless.

That is what you said, isn't it?

I believe I said you were beautiful and suggested you run to a therapist.

You're still a mean little man.

Well, nice meeting you all.

Embrace sanity, Tony.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to show my face at the groundbreaking of Daddy's new wing at

and my flight just got in.

I thought I told you not to wear that tie.

I thought you meant just that one time. No, darling, I meant never.

Hi, Monica Charles -Brooks.

Hi, Joan Clayton. Joan Carol Clayton.

Tony Childs of Tony Childs Realty.

I've heard of you. You're good.

You'll have to give me your card.

And? How far we've met.

Of course we have.

How are you, sweetie?

Well, you know, as well as can be expected with my marriage on the rocks

all. Oh, that's great.

Uh, great.

Every

CEO

under 40 is drinking single malt. With apple glycerin?

We're in public.

Remember how we talked about suppressing our urge for humor?

Yes.

Well, put it into practice, because there's someone downstairs I want you to

meet. Here's something.

Goal digger for the capital G -O -L Diva.

If she can get William to suppress what he considers humor, oh, I am all for

her. Okay, but did you hear her reorder William's drink and the hoopla about her

daddy's hospital wing? I'm telling you, that woman has an agenda.

Acting like she was all interested to meet one's friends? Uh -uh, no.

We're just backup singers in a little ditty called Her World.

Bet she doesn't even remember our names.

Tony, girl, you are tripping.

Shoot, maybe you're just forgettable.

She'll remember my name. Y 'all saw how we connected.

I'll prove it. When she comes back, we gonna play the name game.

Oh, why, wait.

Let's do Tony.

Tony, Tony. If Bo Boney comes out of your mouth, I'm gonna kick your Bo Boney

butt.

Would anybody like a drink?

Apparently not.

Monica?

Oh, and a portico.

Chiná, ponte mate, anything.

You're gonna have to give me that one more time.

Okay. Just a nice dry white.

Wine. Oh!

You mean vino.

One blanco vino coming up over here.

I'd like a challenge.

What are our names? Is it just you who needs to know, Tony?

Or are you speaking for Maya Lin and Joan Carol Clayton?

Who'd you study with, huh?

Dale Carnegie? Sun Tzu? Nancy Reagan?

Monica, don't mind her.

We're just very protective over Will.

But we can see that he's in very good hands.

Thank you, Maya.

Don't ever question me, girl.

Trust.

Close your mouth, baby.

so pumped up about this cake. I spent the morning reading the file, and I've

some great ideas. I... Oh.

Oh, God. I'm being so rude. Hey, Monica.

Sweetie.

You know what? I don't want to disturb your lunch. We can talk about this back

at the office. No.

No. Listen.

This sounds important.

I have a phone call to make, so why don't you two sit down and talk about

you need to talk about?

Okay?

Baby? Okay, kitty cat.

We should file a motion for summary judgment.

I've reviewed the complaint.

Half of it is frivolous. Joan, I've decided not to use co -counsel.

Okay, maybe not half.

More like a third. At least a quarter. Definitely a quarter.

Joan, I've got a strong handle on this case.

And I, uh, I don't need your help.

William, don't you remember? Yesterday, you said you needed co -counsel. You

insulted me, then you chose me, then you insulted me again. Don't you remember?

Well, if it makes you feel any better, that insult still stands.

I get it. This is one of your little jokes.

No, Joan. The truth of the matter is, handling the case by myself, I'm not

to have to share the limelight.

It's going to better my chances of making partner. It's nothing personal.

Nothing personal, my ass.

This is very personal.

William, it involves my career, too.

I'm sorry, Joan. I'm just doing what I have to do.

So, have you two worked everything out?

Yes.

Well, in that case, would you like to join us for lunch?

We can squeeze you in.

No. Clearly there's not enough room at this table for me.

Thank you.

Todd? Tony, how are you? I'm beginning to think you're stalking me.

Uh, no, I think you're the one stalking me. Remember, you're the crazy one.

No, but seriously, it's pretty coincidental. Twice in one week, isn't

I live in this neighborhood, so I'm here all the time.

Me too.

I'm a terrible cook. My French toast tastes Polish.

Well, I'm probably a good cook. I just hate the house. It smells like food.

Listen, since neither one of us cooks, would you like to have dinner sometime?

No, sorry. Don't date short men.

Jay, that's pretty...

Honest. If that's how you want to spin it. No, no, no. No spin. I think you're

really nice guy. And I could always use a good doctor friend.

But everybody has their standards.

You have to be at least this tall to ride this ride.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

trying to get rid of my dog. How do you know?

Last night, I overheard them through the vent.

She told William that he should move that ragamuffin out of the house, and if

nothing else, keep that mangy thing out of the hot tub.

You guys, Fosco's never been in the hot tub. He doesn't even like the water.

Oh, my God.

I'm the ragamuffin?

And the mangy thing.

This Monica is bad news, and I'm pretty sure that she is behind William dropping

me as co -counsel. What?

He dumped you?

Oh, hell, Joan.

I was counting on that case to get me a bonus so I could start paying you some

rent.

Guess I'm off to say a free letter since you're the loser.

Thank you, Maya.

Just trying to motivate your girl.

All I know is I don't remember William ever stabbing me in the back before he

met Monica.

Well, I tried to warn you. Monica is the true down -in -the -dirt, take -no

-prisoners. Your dog's going to the pound. Gold digger.

You know what, you guys? Maybe William is happy.

Shoot, maybe this is exactly what he wants.

I mean, he likes strong women.

Yvonne was a ball buster.

Hell, his mom would sell my chicken bench 500 pounds.

You know what?

I was wrong.

This isn't about Monica. I mean, she doesn't owe me anything.

This is about William.

And how he betrayed me as a colleague and a friend.

You know what?

He's more than a friend.

He's like family. And you don't turn your back on family unless you're Fredo

Corleone. And like Fredo Corleone, his ass is going down.

We're going to

talk right now.

About what?

Because I'm a teeny bit busy.

I just ran into Sweetleton, and he told me that the Thatcher -Dunwoody case has

been settled.

What in the hell did you do?

Exactly what I suggested before you kicked me to the curb.

I filed a motion for a summary judgment. Dunwoody caved and settled.

You had no right. Come on, you would have done the same thing if you hadn't

so busy screwing Cruella DeVille and plotting to screw me.

So you screwed me because you don't like my girlfriend?

William. That woman is changing you personally and professionally.

And I know that she had everything to do with you stabbing me in the back. Oh,

no, excuse me. I stabbed you in the front. You stabbed me in the back. Only

after you betrayed me first.

It was my case, Joan.

Mine. Have you ever heard of a little thing called ethics? Have you ever heard

of a little thing called a gold digger?

I mean, William, I am...

Sorry that I screwed you, but Monica is taking you for a ride.

She's going to hurt you, William.

Tony saw it right off.

And she should know, although I have to say, compared to that manipulative man

-eater, Tony is a sunshine for seniors girl.

Joan, I know what kind of woman Monica is, and I like it.

She's connected.

Her father's got a street named after her. Her father's best friends with her

friend's biggest client.

She can open doors for me, Joan. And you know what? I like the fact that she

could have anybody she wants, and she wants me.

William Dent.

And it feels damn good.

William, that woman doesn't love you.

So?

I don't love her either.

Well, then what's the point?

The point is, Joan, I want success.

And she can take me there. I want success too, William, but I'm not going

change myself to get it.

Well, it's a little too late for that backstabber. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a counterattack to plan.

Bring it on.

You don't want any of this.

Yeah? Well, baby, baby, stick your head in gravy.

Well, I see I have nothing to fear here.

Good day, counselor.

Oh, Tony, isn't that your doctor friend?

Okay.

What's going on between you two?

What? Oh, I can smell the pheromone.

That's your off the salad.

What is going on between you two? Nada.

Why not?

Is he married?

Breasting? I know you date white men, so it can't be that.

He asked me out. I told him I don't date short men.

Girl, no, you didn't. Yes, I did. Okay, that's just wrong. No, that's just

right, fully honest. I mean, you're the one who's always telling people.

Say how you feel, how it is, what it should be. On the black hand side.

And how it is, is.

You should be ashamed.

You probably hurt his heart.

I don't know if I was a man in that short or hurt my little heart.

Hey, guys.

Well? I got even with William, and it backfired.

Now I'm the backstabber. What'd you do?

Well, I got your bonus back, but I took William's case right out from underneath

him. I don't know who I've become.

Monica has not only stolen his pole, she's corrupted mine. The important

is... There you go, my bonus bag.

Are you funny?

Guys, this Monica is evil.

We need to get rid of her. I'm way ahead of you.

Officer, I don't know how that radio fell into the hot tub.

Lynn, we're not going to kill her.

Right. We're not going to do anything.

As a matter of fact, we're all watching movies at your house the night of the

tragic accident.

Enough. Okay, we just need to break them up.

Well, I don't know.

She's a pro. He can leave her. If William refuses to break up with her, we

have to cut the bitch.

Oh, oh.

Hey.

Hey, thanks for meeting me. What's up, Tony?

I've done some self -reflection and some bad girl, bad girl.

I realize I was a little inappropriate about your height. I just want to

apologize. Thank you.

I'm sorry you're short.

I think, sorry, that girl feels just so easy.

I would have to be if you came up with it.

It's okay if you could love one of those rare women who's honest, beautiful, and

has a sparkling wit.

More like a half -wit. Oh, you only say that because from down there you can

only hear half of it.

It's because I'm stuck under this awning that you call Brett.

Oh, please.

You know you're mesmerized. You're right, I am. You're gorgeous.

Oh, man.

You had to wreck the flow with a compliment?

Sorry, you know, I'll try to ignore how beautiful you are.

Well, good luck with that.

Now, I'll try and get us back on track. Okay.

Have you ever thought about suing the city for building the sidewalks too

to your face?

No.

But I think you should be concerned with the city suing you for crushing those

sidewalks with those big country great stomping feet.

Monica? Yes?

Oh, hey, sweetie.

William isn't here.

Where is he?

He went to Beverly Hills to pick up some crefales.

He called me.

Wake up in the morning.

I mean, there are a couple of other ways, but I don't want to spoil the boy.

Listen, Monica, we have your number.

Then you should have called her.

too sensitive, and too intelligent a man to be stuck dry by you. That's right.

He is a good black man, okay? The kind who respects women, protects them, and

lets them live in their home for a nominal fee, and loves their dog very,

much, and will rise up and strike down anyone who tries to get rid of him.

Monica, Monica, is Graffito's one F or two?

Two. That'll be two.

Yes,

I'll hold it. Oh, wait, Tony, Tony, Tony. Why you gotta order me two cans?

Ladies, hi.

Can we focus?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, look here, okay?

We will do anything to get your greedy claws out of William's back, okay?

Including calling my cousin Pebbles, who'll do a beatdown for a fat bugger

cheese.

Yeah, Monica.

We will not let you destroy one of the few good men that this world has left.

Now, you can leave quietly, but we can call Pebbles.

If William is worth all this, as amusing as it is, then how come none of you

tried to get him?

Well, you don't want him either. I mean, because if you wanted him, then you

wouldn't be trying to change him.

Now, listen.

William does not like fancy coffees and single malt scotches. He likes fruity

drinks and Folgers from a can and telling bad jokes and ties that we

for Griffin. That's right. I chipped in for that, okay? My money.

And he likes us.

And we are not... I'm not going to let you take him away.

If you plan to make William choose between you and me, prepare to take a

of him.

Because he doesn't need you.

He needs me.

I see that he has potential to be so much more than he is.

And you're just content to have him be the unit in your harem. And we don't

time for that.

We have a law firm to take over.

You might want to get your resume together.

Yes,

I'd like to order one of each, light roast and dark roast.

Oh, hey, William.

Can I talk to you?

Joan, there's nothing more to say about the case.

Actually, there is.

Come here.

Sorry that I stooped so low that I took your case away from you. It was wrong,

and I feel terrible.

If it's any consolation, I told Sweetleton that the settlement was your

brainchild. Well, I appreciate that.

Oh, and there's just one little hitch.

You still got to give Maya the bonus. I may be sorry, but I am not suicidal.

And hey, William, about Monica.

Oh, Joan, look, there's nothing more you can say about Monica. Actually, there

is. I'm sorry.

I have no right to tell you who you should date.

Thank you.

But, um... You might want to take this trash can so you can put your heart in

when Monica rips it out your chest.

You know, I wish I could give you my ass so you can kiss it when you realize how

wrong you've been.

Are you hungry?

Yes. Eat me.

No, seriously, we're getting lunch and you're paying.

And by the way, that baby baby stick your head in gravy line, that stung a

little bit there.

You're in the hot tub.