Original subtitles

Mommy, you did not catch two eight -pound catfish in a man -made lake. Stop

lying.

Oh, yeah, Mommy, you know what? We would love to come down. We really would.

But, you know, we just had catfish last night, and I'm still tasting it a little

bit today. Uh -huh.

Yeah, Darnell. Yeah, he's here.

Wait, hold on.

Darnell? Yeah.

What? Are you going to the... Okay, yeah, I'll tell her. Okay, babe, bye

Okay, Mom.

Yeah, you just missed him. Yeah, he and Jabari went to go wash the car.

Then they're going to drive it around for a while so it could dry.

Right. Well, Mom, I don't want to keep you. I know you got to get those

I love you, too.

Bye.

Maya? Do you mean to tell me that your mother doesn't know about you and

Darnell? She knows, but she needs to know that while the apartment is being

fumigated, they ran into a rare breed of gas -resistant turfite. Okay, Maya.

What? The lying has gotten out of control. You need to tell your mother.

Darnell and I are going to work things out, okay? Mommy doesn't need to know

about every little fight we have.

Maya, this is your mom.

And she might provide just the magic touch needed to get you out of my house.

How long do you think you can keep this a secret?

Did you know that I pad my timesheet?

No. Then apparently forever.

you guys are here.

I am so happy to see you. It fills my stomach.

I've about had it with rice and butter.

Well, Lynn, we drove down because we have something really important we need

talk to you about.

Bess, can't this wait until after she eats?

No, I don't think it can.

The noodle.

A couple of months ago, your mother and I, we decided that we were going to

retire and finally pursue your mother's dream of opening that Bed and breakfast

on the Olympic Peninsula.

Oh, God, yeah, Mom, you've been talking about that like forever. That's great.

Yeah, I wanted to decorate each room with my handmade quilts. And your father

was going to give sailing tours on the harbor.

Was? Yes. Well, that's the reason we're here.

We were going to buy a place, but we were denied by the bank because our

report said that we were in default on a loan.

Whoa, what a bummer.

That's why you really got to keep up on those things.

Noodle, the loan is your grad school loan.

The one that you promised us you would pay.

Oh, look, I didn't even know that I was in default on a loan. No one ever told

me. You see, you never got any calls telling you you were delinquent.

Yeah, but I mean, if I didn't know I was going to hurt you guys, I would have

sent them five bucks or something.

Didn't we do enough?

Paying for four years of college and two master's degrees?

No. You had to go out and run up a tab for two more degrees you don't use.

No, Ed. She is costing us our dream.

It is time for you to get off the tit.

Get a real job and pay back that loan like you promised so we can get our good

credit back.

She said tit. I know. I'm as shocked as you are.

Focus.

Lynn, it is time for you to stand on your own two feet finally, get a job,

pay back that loan like you promised.

I have been everything to everybody, but not... Nothing to myself.

Soccer practice, PTA, ballet lesson, shoveling manure out of the garage

you had to have a pony.

It's my turn now. I'm going to get my bed and breakfast and decorate.

We're fine, Noodle.

You remember that saying that your mother embroidered on the pillow that

gave my children roots so they could grow.

Then I gave them wings so they could fly.

You haven't taken the wings, Noodle. Why don't you take the wings? Take them

already. Fly.

Come on, Daddy.

Can't you help me out here?

The littlest one, the adopted child, victim of George Bush and a bad economy.

Does she even read the paper?

Get a job, Lynn.

Lynn?

What happened to noodle?

Well, thank you guys for breakfast.

Oh, God, Lynn. We weren't going to let you go on your first job interview

without my good luck frittata.

Aren't you? Aren't you?

Okay.

Your first job will be one where you don't have to wear an apron. Or punch a

clock. Or wait on people because we know you suck.

Okay.

Well, on that note, I'm off to my interview.

I'll pick you guys later.

You might want to check that get up you're wearing. Ain't nobody going to

you but the Addams Family outlet store.

Oh, please.

She's going home to change.

No, I'm not.

This is what I'm wearing.

If somebody's going to hire me, they should know up front what they're

Oh, dear God.

Uh, I've got something for you.

Lynn, sweetie, the last thing you want a prospective employee to know up front

is what they're getting.

It's better to surprise them with it after you've been hired.

Oh, shoot, I know, that's right. Now, see, Joan thought I had three years of

legal experience, Lynn, when all I really had was a brief appearance in

court and a couple of John Grisham novels under my belt. Oh!

Don't you love it?

I got my job at the law firm with this suit. It's lucky, just like the

Really?

Look, you guys, I'm starting to reconsider this whole thing.

I'm putting on some show for some corporate pawn just so I can become

cog in the soul -crunching capitalist machine doing meaningless, mindless

That is not what I want.

Okay, Lynn, you know what? You're always talking about what you don't want, but

you never say what you do want.

I don't know what I want, but I'll know when I find it.

Well, how are you going to find it when you're never out there?

Looking. Yeah, yeah.

You need to get out there and look. I mean, sweetie, you might be surprised at

what this big old world has to offer.

And what do you think?

Should we try on the suit?

No.

Come on, Lynn.

You promised your parents, and their dream is on hold until you follow

with it, okay?

Here. God, no, I can't.

Look, I have a house to show in Brentwood in about 40 minutes.

You grab her arms and grab her feet. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

going to let you up, but you have to behave yourself.

And if you start trying to take off one piece of clothing, or if you decide to

take a swing at one of us, you are going to be back down on this floor lickety

-split.

I wouldn't dare with you threatening me with menacing phrases like lickety

-split.

Okay, moment of truth.

Lynn, what do you think?

I feel like a piece of me just died.

Oh, of course you do. I forgot the sash.

So,

how'd

your interview go?

Oh, please. I know I didn't get it. The guy had a bug up his ass.

Apparently, my interview time of 10 .30 wasn't a ballpark.

So, let's make this quick, because I've got another one across town in ten

minutes.

Joan thinks I should tell my mother about me at Darnell. What do you think?

Should I tell my mother?

Mothers. You want me to tell you about mothers?

First, they nurture you, and they get you all dependent.

And then they just cut you off.

And you want to know how really thick and twisted they are? They buy you this

stupid pony that you don't even want.

And then they beat that dead horse for the rest of your damn life. You know

what? Mothers are...

So if it were you, you wouldn't tell your mother anything.

Well, if it were me, I would have never married a baggage handler in the first

place.

But, but, that's neither here nor there.

When it comes to me and my mother, we have an ask -don't -tell policy.

Um, Tony, don't you mean don't ask, don't tell? Uh -uh.

It's something we established early on. She'd ask, I'd pour her a drink, she'd

pass out. I never had to tell her anything.

So your vote is don't tell my mom anything.

Oh, no, you can't keep secrets from Mama.

Mama knows everything.

What, you mean you never told your mama about you and Ivana?

Well, then again, sometimes it's best not to tell your mother anything.

I mean, when you really break it down, what would she gain from knowing that I

accidentally burnt down the kitchen and let my senile old grandma take the fall

for it?

Okay, Mommy, stop fussing, all right? How can I be avoiding you when I'm

you? Maya, I called you six times, and you're just now calling me back?

Now, I know when something's up with my baby, what is going on?

Okay, fine, Mommy.

I'll tell you, all right? I wasn't going to tell you because, I mean, I know

you're living such a happy life there with Earl, Fishin, and... Maya.

Okay, all right.

The truth is... Jabari has asthma.

My baby's got what?

Yeah, see, it turns out that our apartment building is infested with this

Brazilian termite that causes asthma in children.

My poor baby.

I'm coming to get him tonight.

Oh, wait, no, no.

Mommy, Mommy, come on now. You cannot take Jabari to San Bernardino. That

Empire smog will tear his lungs up.

Plus, you know my HMO don't cover iron lungs.

Well, then I'm coming to see my grandbaby tomorrow night. So tell Joan

up a pallet. No, no, Mommy, tomorrow Jabari is going to Catalina to fresh air

camp.

Well, then I'm coming to see you.

Oh, I got a bite, baby. I got to go. Wait, Mommy.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.

Jabari?

Jabari, baby, get in here.

Come on.

Get in here.

Hey.

Guess what?

Grandma's coming tomorrow. Yeah, you know how she likes to play games, right?

Okay, so what we're going to do, you and I, we're going to pretend our apartment

building has termites, all right? And everything between your daddy and me is

fine. And the only reason he's not here is because he's working triple shifts so

he can send you to fresh air camp.

So you want me to lie to Grandma?

Well, honey, remember how we talked about...

The difference between good lies and bad lies and how it's okay to sometimes lie

if it makes somebody feel better.

You mean like the time you told me to tell Auntie Joan she was going to find a

husband?

Yes. Yes. And this isn't nearly as far -fetched. All right?

Now, where are you going?

I don't want to go to a fresh air camp. I want to go to a basketball camp.

Sweetie, you can't go to a basketball camp because you have asthma.

I do?

No, you don't really have asthma. You're just going to say you have asthma

because we...

Never mind.

Never mind, baby. You're not sick.

Your mama's sick.

You have asthma?

No, baby.

No.

No one has asthma.

All right, just forget everything I just said, okay?

Okay.

Well, hell did freeze over. I got a job.

Wow, a real job?

Yeah, nine to five with a one -hour break, $45 ,000 a year, five personal

and something about full benefit.

Suck.

Five personal days?

Wow. When do you start?

I'm hoping in five days.

Hell, I earned some personal time.

Say cheese.

I hate this job.

Oh, come on. Buck up, Lynn.

You know, big changes like this always take a period of adjustment.

Like whenever there's a new cast of Star Trek or something, I always think, I'm

never going to like them as much as the old cast. But then they'll introduce a

sexy new Romulan or an affable Borg, and I'm hooked all over again.

Oh, Lynn.

I know it'll cheer you up. Come here. Come on, we'll take a picture of all

of us together.

Nothing perks up a cubicle like personal pictures and inspirational messages.

Here's an inspiration. Shoot me. Oh, come on, Lynn.

It's not that bad.

What are you talking about?

I'm associate director of federal compliance.

Look, I said I only have five minutes to witness a miracle. Are we going to take

this group shot or what?

Oh, my God.

You with the easy spirits.

Can you take this picture for us?

Oh, okay. I can see one problem with this place. Your co -workers are rude.

Tony, that's my boss, and she's deaf. Oh.

Tony!

Sounds as well as words.

Hi, Roberta.

Hey. Oh, excuse me.

Would you mind taking a picture of all four of us together?

Okay. Oh,

thank you.

Hell no.

Party's over. Get out. Over.

Now.

Okay. Bye, Carl.

Bye. Sorry.

I hope we're not interrupting.

Oh, I thought we said goodbye this morning.

Well, we just didn't want to leave town without seeing our baby at her new job.

Yeah, Noodle, we're just as proud as two peacocks.

You enjoying it so far?

Yeah, and what's not to like? I got the complimentary coffee mug.

Well, now that we know that you're settled and happy and getting paid on

we're going to get going.

Yeah, we're going to skadoodle, Noodle. So we'll call you from the road.

We love you.

I love you, too.

Don't do that. Oh, dear.

Don't do what? I'm just sitting here, settled and happy, waiting to get paid

Friday. Ed, look at her. She's got that look. What look?

That same look you had your first day of ballet class.

You only went because I wanted you to go, and you hated it. Just like you hate

this job?

Hey, so quit, Lynn.

And what about the loan?

I'm sure we could figure something out. I mean, the most important thing is that

you find something that makes you happy.

I love you guys. This time I mean it.

Let's go. Dad, a little help?

Now, Ed, you have a bad back.

Let me get it.

So, um... We'll just go get the car while you say goodbye to your co

Stop!

This is just like ballet class all over again.

and then the pony, and now the loan.

You guys sent me this message that quitting is okay, and I've been quitting

whole life.

So this is all our fault? No, no, no.

Wait a minute, Bessie. Let her process. We might like how this ends up.

Look, if you give me an out, I'm going to take it. And let's face it, if I walk

out of this office, I'm never going to pay you back that loan.

Well, Lynn, we can't make you do it.

Yes. Yes, you can.

Just yell at me. me like you did in the restaurant. That worked. Honey, that

wasn't me.

I don't know who that was.

Okay, let's go.

Mom, grab the box.

Would you yell at her already?

And throw in the word tit if you can. That was hot.

Lynn Ann, seriously, you spoiled, rotten, overeducated brat.

You get your butt back here.

That's it, Mom. Stay with it. No.

Don't let your baby off the hook. Don't you patronize me, you lazy -ass tattooed

freak!

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Honestly, I only ever thought that once.

I've grown to love your tattoos now. I think of them as art.

No, it's okay, Mom.

You did good.

But here's the thing.

This is really hard for me.

And I'm not strong, so I'm going to need your help, okay?

First, don't visit me at work.

And don't call me at work. And if you do call, don't ask me how work is going.

And if I start to complain, hang up on me. Say, gotta go, guests are coming,

quilts have to be sewn.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you, sweetheart.

That's my noodle.

And so, I guess... What I'm saying is that Darnell and

I are kind of, um... Mommy, Darnell and I are separated.

Oh, God, Maya.

I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you.

Okay, and I guess I was ashamed, and a part of me thought as long as I didn't

tell you, it wouldn't be as real, and...

And then I just started lying because it was so easy.

And then one lie led to another lie, and I've lied so much I don't even know who

I am anymore.

Poor baby. Come here.

I'm so sorry, Mommy.

Mommy.

Never, ever lie to me again. I know. I know.

I was wrong.

That and you're really bad at it.

Fresh air camp?

Oh, yeah. It was either that or put them in a plastic bubble.

You know there are two kinds of people your mom can't tolerate.

I know.

Thieves and liars.

I know, Mommy. I promise you I will never lie again.

I know.

And to make sure of it, go cut yourself a switch.

What?

Mommy, please. I got grown.

I am not.

Okay, great.