Original subtitles

My sister's a lesbian.

Whatever happened to hello?

Hello, my sister's a lesbian.

William, let me explain this to you one more time.

Not all women are lesbians.

Sugar, let me explain this to you one more time.

You two want each other, but this is completely different.

Linda called me last night from Kansas City. She came out to me on the phone.

We talked for like three hours.

So how do you feel about it?

I don't care. It's her phone bill.

I mean about her being a lesbian.

Well, it definitely puts a crimp in my hot lesbian fantasies. Joan, you want to

eat my muffin?

Crimp? Go on.

Aren't you?

Yeah, that's right. I thought so.

Oh, my God.

I loved you in your last movie. You completely stole it from Matt Damon.

Thanks. Actually, that was my second to last movie. Oh. Yeah, in my last movie,

I played the lead.

Oh, right.

I missed that one. It came and went so quickly.

It was very big in Sweden.

Now you feel excuse me? Oh, right. Sorry, sorry.

Um, hey, hi. Are you going to be using this machine long? Yeah.

Could you maybe use one of the other ones? No.

Okay, see, I'm training for the marathon, and it's a first for me, and

the only machine that has the forest walk setting.

Forest walk, and I find it really gets my heart rate where it needs to be.

Training for the marathon, huh? Yeah.

So, could you get off?

I've played someone like you once.

Grasping for something you can control because you can't control the things

you really want.

Don't presume to know me, okay? You don't know me. I knew you'd say that.

You know what?

Some of us who actually work for a living don't have all day to stand

wait for the machine.

So what I do isn't work?

No, I'm sure playing make -believe is very taxing.

You know what?

Take your machine.

Have your forest walk.

Thank you. I hope you get mauled by a bear.

You know what?

Malcolm Jamal Warner completely carried you in that TV movie. where you played

the Siamese twins.

Joan, she wants my sperm.

I have no idea who or what you're talking about, but it's a pretty safe

there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

I'm talking about my sister.

She called me again last night and revealed the real reason she came out to

She wants my sperm to impregnate her lover so that their baby will be related

the both of them.

Wow. What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I was up half the night mulling it over. It won't be weird to create a baby and

not be the father.

Another way to look at it is that you'd be bringing a new life into the world.

William, if you can handle this, it would be a very special gift to give

sister.

Damn it, Joan, you're right.

Not only do I owe it to society to propagate and carry on my obviously

genetic code, but Linda has a birthday coming up.

And a Dixie cup of DNA is a lot cheaper than that Katie Lang box that she asked

for.

Katie Lang?

I'm such an idiot.

You know how they tighten up security after 9 -11?

Well, now all of a sudden they're not just looking for terrorists.

Crack it down on people stealing from the office. Okay, so why did they give

a hard time? I was stealing from the office.

You know, it just makes me so mad. People using security as an excuse to

my son Jabari of his school supplies. It's not right.

Guess who I saw at the gym this morning? Ellis Carter.

Wait a minute. Cute actor.

Yeah, well, he's not so cute in person. He's actually totally obnoxious. Why?

What happened?

Oh, he was hogging the last horsewalk treadmill in all this outland.

Maya, this is my story. I'm sorry, girl. I just got so bored hearing about it at

work, figured if I made it my own, I might be able to get interested.

He just made me so mad.

I've never taken such an instant dislike to somebody.

Wow, you must really like this guy.

Uh, what?

Don't forget, I have a master's degree in clinical psychology.

You don't get all worked up over something just because they bug you.

The opposite of love isn't hate.

It's indifference.

Sigmund Freud?

Frasier Crane. I don't want the guy. He was a huge jerk.

Well, then can I have him?

Sure, if you want a huge jerk.

But he's cute.

And I want to sell him a big house.

You know, and live in it for a minute.

I did hear him say that he was going to be back at the gym tomorrow.

So you can come as my guest. You can have him.

I don't care. Hmm.

Is it the same I don't care that had you swinging at me at the sixth grade dance

over Randy Johnson?

Tony, you can have him. Is it the same you can have him that had you chase me

through the student union over Jeff Thomas?

Tony. Hey, I'm just checking. You've been training for that marathon. You

catch me this time.

Hey, Willie.

Go,

William. Had to go with the fertility clinic. It didn't.

You changed your mind about Junior? No, my mind wasn't the problem.

Ah, come before him, huh?

Who could?

Put you in that little closet with the cup and the sticky magazine and then you

got the little woman outside.

Are you done yet? Are you done yet?

But all's not lost.

They say I can fill the cup anywhere I want as long as I get it to them within

an hour.

Unfortunately, my house is a little too far away.

Joan's house is just ten minutes away.

No, William. Come on, I'll stop by when you're out.

You'd never even know I was there. But I will know, William.

Fine. All right, all right.

You just forced me into plan B.

The office is only 20 minutes from here.

Oh, come on, William. I also don't want to think about you doing it at the

office. Oh, please. You know all those times you stop by and my assistant says

I'm in a meeting? Nine out of ten times. Oh, stop. Stop.

There's my boo.

Watch me work.

Don't make too big of a scene, okay? I like this gym.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey!

Hey, you unplugged that machine so that no one else would use it. No, I was just

smart enough to see that it was unplugged and plug it back in.

Ah, smart as well as handsome.

Hi, Tony Child.

Of Tony Chow's Realty. I specialize in results.

Oh, hi. Sorry, but I'm not looking to buy a house right now. I specialize in

kinds of results.

Hey! Even if I were to accept your little story about not unplugging it, I

here first. And now that it's working, I should be able to use it. What is it

with you and this machine? It's a matter of principle.

Speaking of principle, I really enjoyed your last movie. How is that speaking of

principle? I specialize in results, not segways.

Hey!

Actors are supposed to be self -absorbed. Yes, I'm talking to you.

But aren't you also supposed to be loved and adored? I would think that being a

jerk works against that.

I love that scene where you talk that kind -hearted vampire off the ledge.

You showed such passion.

Such pegs. Wow, you really did see my movie. Well, not many people did. Well,

favorite scene was the one where you cried in the cemetery.

The scene where I was naked. Oh, yeah.

I didn't quite get the logic of that, but it somehow worked on a good level.

Forget the treadmill. This is not about the treadmill.

This is about your arrogance and your dishonesty. You want honesty?

Why don't you admit why this matters to you so much? You want me.

In your dreams.

Yuck! Yuck!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Alice, hi.

I've already worked up a sweat. I was wondering, how about you join me for a

high -powered protein shake?

He's right. I do want him.

I'm like six years old, and my brother and I are in the backyard, and we're

digging. We're digging for lobsters.

We didn't find anything more than a couple of earthworms, but to this day in

family, when one of us is doing something crazy that has no chance of

out, we still say, ah, you're digging for lobsters.

Oh, God.

You have so many wonderful stories about your childhood.

Well... See, when you're an actor, you have to be really in touch with the

things you've experienced, but you can draw on them when you have to.

I love that, because as a lawyer, I just have to remember the difference between

wherefore and heretofore.

Acting's a very cool way to make a living, actually.

I just love that I have a lot of time on set to think about life and the world.

Oh, yeah, like, what do you think about?

No, I'm...

Sure, you really wouldn't want to know. Well, I'm working on this one idea I

call the veil of ignorance.

See, I think if you could have people envision a society ignorant of their own

social, racial, and economic position and ask those people what that society

would look like, a rational person would insist on some basic human rights and

equalities. It would be the kind of society where the rich and powerful...

not exploit the poor and the weak because you're asking people to design

without knowing whether they would be rich or poor.

Wow.

That is deep.

You sound surprised.

No, it's... No, no, it's okay. It's okay. I get that a lot.

I think it's because Malcolm Jamal Warner played the smart twin.

And to this day, his family still says you're digging for lobsters.

What about forgetting about men and focusing on your marathon training? It's

called backsliding, Maya. Okay, we're going to change our lives, and we don't.

He's a great guy. How is that backsliding? As the one who slid back on

it's called backstabbing.

What is this?

Oh, it's a script he left at the restaurant.

Oh, and that's another thing, Joan. Come on, an actor?

They're not supposed to be that smart.

No, he's very smart.

John, sweetie, I have watched enough Celebrity Jeopardy to understand why

of their charities are still hurting for cash.

Seriously, you guys, he is deep.

He came up with this whole idea called the veil of ignorance.

I mean, he thinks about the world and how to make it a better place.

I mean, what if you could have people envision a society ignorant of their own

racial, social, and economic position?

How did you know that?

It's right here in the script.

He stole that from the script?

Yeah, well, don't feel bad, Joan.

The guy who wrote the screenplay stole it, too.

The Veil of Ignorance is from a book of political philosophy by John Rawls. John

Rawls, Lou Rawls, who cares? It's all a veil of boredom to me.

I told you.

Actors. They're not smart.

And they still.

Winona Ryder. I rest my case.

Mr. Dent?

Working late tonight?

I had some special matters to attend to.

You're not removing this from the premises for home consumption, are you?

personal property, Selmer.

You have the proper paperwork?

I've got the receipts from Albertsons right here.

Slow it down, turn it around, back it up.

You know, if I turned it around and backed it up, I'd believe him.

Don't crack wise with me.

I need to see what's in the bag.

Look, Deltner, there's something very private in this bag which is none of

concern. Sorry, Mr. Dent.

Everything entering and exiting this building is my concern.

Can't afford to be lax.

Last week, someone made off with a computer, and believe you me, there was

to pay.

Obviously this bag is too small to have a computer in it.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I'm not kept apprised of the latest technological advances. Okay, fine.

Look, take it.

It's my sperm.

I've got to get it to the clinic and have it fresh frozen so they can ship it

Kansas City and pregnant my sister's girlfriend and the clock is ticking so

you please.

Yeah, I have no guidelines on how to proceed in a case like this.

I'm going to have to confiscate it.

Zellner is just sperm.

Only have your word for that.

Could be some sort of biological weapon.

So you're accusing me of sperm warfare.

Look, Mr. Dent, building management did not spend thousands of dollars on this

state -of -the -art checkpoint or put us through hours of video training just so

we could ignore procedure based on your okie -dokie.

Sorry I gave you such a hard time, Zellner.

That's all right. You're just playing your role, I'm just playing mine, and

it's... Dance that is security.

Shoe's untied. What?

Because I don't think I can ever trust you again. I don't know how we can

continue to see each other. Look, I pretended those words were mine because

had no idea what to say around you.

You're like this really important attorney. And who am I?

I'm an actor who dropped out of college because I got two lines on Saved by the

Bell.

And your point?

My point is I was trying to impress you.

And now you're trying to win my sympathy?

Bravo, Ellis Carter.

Well done.

Take a bow.

Pick up your Oscar, because I've got to go.

I hate to ruin your little dramatic exit, but you've still got a $15

pay for.

Oh, screw you. That drink was $8. The bartender is a struggling actor, all

right? Leave him a good tip.

You know what?

This is really sad. What's sad is you have a closed mind.

You don't even know me. Yet you've made up your mind about me. You're right. I

don't know you. How would I know you? You have been lying to me ever since I

you. So excuse me for connecting the dots and concluding that you're a load

crap. You don't know the first thing about me.

Well, since I'm not going to waste my $15 drink, who

are you, Ellis, if that's even your real name?

Who am I?

How do you answer that?

That's the kind of thing you find out when you spend time with a person. I

do you date?

That's the idea behind dating, isn't it? To get to know someone?

In some Western cultures.

Hey, then again, maybe you've seen enough of me to know that you don't like

and that's fair.

It's just a shame.

Because I've seen enough of you to know that I'd like to get to know you better.

But hey, maybe I was just digging for lobsters.

Maybe we both were.

One, two, three.

Alice says he's very sorry he lied to you.

Alice says he's very sorry he lied to you. Break it down, break it down. Alice

says he's very sorry.

He says he's very sorry.

Alice says he's very sorry he lied to you.

Ellis, say anything about that $15 from a drink?

Joan, you wanted to get to know me.

Well, here's something no one knows.

When things didn't take off after Saved by the Bell, I spent a year doing

singing telegrams.

So, um, you've got my attention.

And I'm smiling.

So you better make it good.

Because of who I am, I get away with a lot.

But you called me on my crap. You didn't let me get away with anything. And now

I cannot stop thinking about you.

So I thought I'd come over and take you out for a nice lobster dinner.

Why don't I just whip some up here?

No,

you know what?

You're right.

You should take me out.

Okay, let's go.

Hold up, lobster boy.

You can't go like that.

Oh, it's okay. I got shirts and a T -shirt in the car.

No, where I want to go, you need long pants and about $300.

So, um, I'll see you tomorrow.

Seven o 'clock?

Okay.

I'll, um...

I'll claw you later.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh -oh.

We got a problem.

The judge is never going to buy this argument in paragraph three. Whoa, whoa,

whoa. Hold on a second there, Joan.

Do you have a fix? No, but at this very moment, I'm impregnating a lesbian. It's

not the way I thought I'd do it, but...

I'll take what I can get.