Original subtitles

Maya? What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, William.

I hope you don't mind. Lynn said it was okay if I used the hot tub.

Oh, great, fine.

Me tub, ass, you tub. Do you mind?

I'm just going through an emotional moment right now.

Kind of on edge, you know. I'm still depressed about me and Darnell.

You know, William, I was just hoping to spend a little time with you.

Yeah, listen, kid, look, you take as much time as you need. Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, it's such a shame I got to the hot tub first.

I mean, you really look like you could use it.

It was a tough day at work, but you keep the tub. I have one bottle left of a

limited series Napa Valley Cabernet.

Always takes the edge off.

It wouldn't be this Napa Valley Cabernet, would it?

You little trespassing booch. What?

Suvino ain't meaning it.

I told you, laundry.

Hello? You don't live here anymore.

Okay, you live at Williams.

He's got a huge laundry room with top -of -the -line Maytax and a folding

Yeah, well, Williams has gotten all possessive with his amenities since

has been abusing their hot tub privileges.

Whatever. Let me know when you're done. Okay.

Well,

there goes my quiet do -my -laundry -alone Sunday.

Mine, too.

Now that we've gotten all the pleasantries out of the way, ladies.

What you got in the bag?

Snack? No, this is that pate Tony likes. I thought I'd pick it up for her

birthday party. Birthday party?

Tony hates birthday parties.

Yeah, well, this year she's going to have to get over it.

Oh, yeah, kind of like her 21st birthday when you threw that surprise Mexican

fiesta. Ended up spending the whole night picking flan and salsa out of your

hair.

No telling where you're going to be digging that pate out of.

Okay, I understand.

the big fuss over 30, but why risk a beatdown over 31?

Well, I was going to give it to her for her 30th, but she and I weren't

speaking.

Well, I hated her then.

Besides, Tony is a fabulous 31, and she should appreciate people coming together

to celebrate who she is and what she's accomplished.

She's not going to come.

I know. That's why it's a surprise party.

If the girl doesn't want to celebrate her birthday, then why celebrate?

Why not just give her what she wants? Because I don't have $10 million or a

millionaire's penis.

What's your pleasure?

That little tart on the sofa.

Oh, you can't handle dating a woman who takes her tequila straight.

What about you, Lynn?

You want to revive our sex buddy arrangement?

Uh -uh, we agree that's over.

Except in the case of a nuclear holocaust.

Or unless I want to.

And? And I don't.

Well, I need something.

I'm going after that target. I told you, I saw her eat the worm.

Good. Sounds like she's got the skills I need.

Because I'm a horndog looking for a one -night stand.

Right, this is coming from a guy who couldn't handle a booty call with a

waitress.

Everybody knows the booty call is harder to procure than the one -night stand.

The booty call is based upon a prior relationship.

I don't want to use and hurt somebody I know.

Now that girl, I'd care less about her.

Who the hell are you?

It's all a part of the new me, Len.

The me that goes after what me wants.

Right?

Right?

So, uh, any luck?

10 -15.

What? The time... It's 10 .15. I asked her for the time. She told me the time.

thanked her and I came back here.

So, uh, why the big laugh?

I don't know.

Joan,

I know what you're up to. You can just stop it right now.

Because I'm not interested in your party or your little party games or whatever

other birthday surprise you have planned.

I don't have time. I'm just... Here to pick up my gift, so wrap up my pate,

me my Neiman's gift certificate, and I'll be on my way.

Tony, don't you think it's a bit presumptuous for you to come flying in

thinking I got you a lousy gift certificate?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What'd you get me?

Well, Tony, I got you this pillow and a

lousy gift certificate.

Oh, thank you.

Where'd you get the pillow?

Because I need to return it. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You are not leaving.

I'm having it thrown in my face every time I try and do something nice for

birthday. How many times do I have to apologize for the damn flan? Tell me. It

is stupid to get hung up over a birthday. Who cares?

You're getting older.

We're all getting older. Chicken skin.

Embrace it. Be happy.

I am happy.

Look at me. I'm ecstatic.

No. You are all freaked out about getting older. Oh, please.

I am not that shallow. Yes, you are that shallow.

i would know how shallow i am yeah i think i would know too because i've been

the receiving end of it for the last 23 years well i've been tony childs for the

last 32 years i think i would know the level of my shallowness tony what what

you got come on back with it because i'm ready to come back come on what tony

you just said you were 32 i said 31 no you said i've been tony childs for 32

years i know what i said because i said it and what i said is i'm 31

Antoinette, Marie Child, you tell me right now how old you are.

Joan, bitch Clayton.

I said I'm 31.

Tony, this is major.

You are older than me.

Fine, fine, fine.

Great. Now you know.

Well, you know what?

I know something, too.

What?

That you're older than me?

No. I called everybody that you invited to your stupid surprise party. Oh, yeah.

And I told them it was canceled.

Oh, yeah. I thought you'd do that.

So I called him back, and I told him the party was on.

So, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles!

Surprise!

Oh,

I have to get a ginger soup.

Oh, wise choice, Tony. Stick with something soft. Do you never know how

denture cream's going to hold up?

Joan, enough, okay?

Tony's our friend, and we love her.

We don't care how old she is.

Besides, teasing her is elder abuse.

You don't want the great panthers, but I love this cream.

Don't make me get up and walk out of here. Not too fast, Tony. You don't want

break a hip.

Go ahead.

Laugh. It's true.

I'm old.

I looked in the mirror this morning and again when I was in the ladies' room.

What's gone? My youth.

Look at my face. Can't you see the line?

Oh, yeah, I do. You know, I know they say black don't crack, but too bad,

you cracked.

You guys go ahead and have your fun now. Y 'all won't be laughing for long.

I want to get some work done. They say you should have it done young. That way

nobody ever knows you've been remodeled.

You know what?

I want to call someone who knows someone who knows Janet's surgeon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We were kidding.

Well, I'm not.

Tony.

Listen to me.

You're stunning.

Your bone structure, your skin.

The small of your back, it's exquisite.

What? I noticed.

Okay, the three of us always talk about how you look the youngest of all of us.

Uh -uh, uh -uh.

Except for me, young girl. Don't get crazy. Y 'all know I'm 25.

Maya, everybody is sick of you being 25. You have been 25 since we met you. I

know. I've been lying about my age ever since I met you.

You're 27.

No, now I really am 25.

Actually, had you probably when I was 16. I just didn't want to admit it, so I

knew y 'all better.

Hey, William.

Usual? No.

Won't be warming that seat tonight.

Just finished watching the newly released director's cut of American

Those essential 11 minutes restoring.

Yeah, I learned more in those 11 minutes than I've learned in 34 years of living

and loving.

I'm ready for action.

So you just sit back and watch what I like to call the American Women's Show.

Scenic.

Yeah, you gave it two thumbs up, too, as I can recall.

You know, I don't know if I like this new ruthless William.

I want you to go back to being yourself.

What a wimp for women.

It had a certain charm to it. Look what it got me.

Jilted at the altar.

William, I know you're still hurting over Yvonne, but that's no reason to go

make a complete fool of yourself trying to do something you're simply not

capable of. I am capable.

picking up a woman just not drunk enough yet that's where you come in all right

assuming i accept your far -fetched premise you do realize that a one -night

stand involves more than just picking up a complete stranger it also involves

having sex with said stranger walking away from the stranger and never calling

that stranger again not even a thank you card see not capable well

you

Pardon me, miss.

Hi.

I couldn't help but notice... I mean, what I meant to say was... Yes.

Yes, what?

To what you're about to ask.

You didn't know what I was about to ask. I think I do.

Would you like to engage in some witty repartee first, or is this pretty much a

done deal?

I'm not a haggler.

I'm an impulse buyer.

All righty then, shall we go?

Come on, come on, come on, come on! We're going to be late for the movie.

Tony on her cell phone and tell her to meet us there. Maya, come on!

Don't yell at me while I'm paying!

Lynn, it's fine.

The seats are reserved. We're going to the Arclight.

Wait a minute.

I did not authorize the purchase of a $15 movie ticket.

That's crazy money.

I paid for it. Oh, good choice. I love that place.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I had to make an appearance at a little get -together in

Brentwood. No problem. We're fine. We're going to the Arclight.

Joan already paid.

What? Don't look so suspicious.

It's not like Joan doesn't treat.

You think I look suspicious?

I was hoping I looked a little curious or even for once even interested in what

other people had to say.

Oh, God. It looks bad, doesn't it?

Suspicious. Tony, what did you do?

Nothing.

I just swung by a little Botox party.

But why?

I was trying to erase 32, okay? And stop looking at me like that.

Well, stop looking at me like that.

Oh, God, I'm a circus freak. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Tony. Lynn was just

joking. I was thinking that I could balance... out with a little eye shadow,

know? Yeah, and you got a lot of room for a lot of it.

And that's a good thing because I read that eye shadow is all the rage this

fall. Tony.

Tony, you are our little trendsetter. All the rage? Mm -hmm.

I look okay? Mm -hmm.

Lynn?

Dunny.

Thanks, you guys.

Hey, guys. Sorry I took a little extra time, but I do not like to use the

bathroom at the movies.

Oh, hell no.

Girl, I know you all, but did you have a stroke?

Did she have a stroke? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Tony had Botox. What?

She Botoxed? Mm -hmm.

Child, now you did it. Now you live with it. Now lift your head up. Let me see.

Oh, my God.

Now, just wait a minute. Now, maybe we could, um, maybe we could, we could,

Scott, take the other side up.

Have you thought of auditioning for the Kabuki?

Ah, well, well, well.

If it isn't William the Conqueror.

So, how'd your one night stand go?

Went the way it was supposed to go.

Loved her up, left her wanting more with nary a glance backwards.

Guess I was wrong about you.

I didn't think that you could just use a woman and walk away.

Hey, we literally used each other.

That's the whole point of a one -night stand.

Can't believe I had to tell you this.

Maybe all that sexual bravado was just a pack of lies.

Maybe.

You need to take some pointers from a true Lotharian.

Yeah, and maybe you're completely full of it.

How'd you know? Get out of my glowing.

Her name is Monica, and her sister's name is Mona.

And she was raised Presbyterian, but now she goes to a Methodist church.

And she's got a degree in economics and one year of graduate school under her

belt. Oh, and speaking of belts, she's got a blue belt in Taekwondo.

But her favorite color is tan green, and her favorite fruit. And she loves the

Adriatic coast of Italy. And oh my God, Lynn, I think I'm in love.

What can you do for me, Dr. Garrett?

Nothing.

Oh, I did not pay Beverly Hills Valley rates to hear nothing.

I could recommend some good books to read while you're hiding from the

Despite my suspicious look, I'm laughing on the inside.

Look, can't you just make this brow match this other one?

That scotch tape seems to be doing the trick.

Look, I can't match it because whoever did it, did it badly.

It'll wear off. in a couple of weeks. Hopefully this will teach her not to go

any more Botox parties.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm a real estate entrepreneur. Part of my job description is going to parties

to drum up some business.

And if I have to take a few misplaced injections to sell a house, then so be

Oh, by the way, if you're ever in the market for high -end real estate, here's

my card.

I don't know if I could trust the real estate agent who looks at me like she

doesn't trust me.

Not from your angle, but you have to consider where I'm sitting.

I don't have time to sit here and amuse you, Dr. Garrett.

Oh, and I don't have time to sit here and be lied to about misplaced Botox

injections to sell real estate.

Your job is to fix my face, not call me on my half -assed attempt to fix my

face. Now look, buddy.

I know the patient's feeling right.

I have a right to physical augmentation.

On demand.

And I'm demanding it.

Okay, Miss Childs.

What do you want to have done?

You're the expert. You tell me what I need. Nothing. There's that word again.

hope you validate.

Look, let me be frank with you. I don't need your business. I have enough people

coming to me hoping that I can make them one -fifth as beautiful as God has made

you. Oh, God.

And go to the gym four times a week.

What are my lips, though? See? About 2 ,400.

To get them with dudes? No, that's what other women pay to get lips like yours.

Being beautiful is not enough? What is it with you L .A. women?

Oh, you tell me.

I don't see you setting up practicing friends, no fixing up pie face farm

Everybody wants to change something. I'm sure even you have something that you'd

want to change. Sure, I'd like to be four inches taller.

Oh, only four? I mean, all I'm saying, as long as you're wishing.

I can recommend something.

A therapist.

Run!

You're very mean, little man.

And you just look mean.

Please don't scare anyone on the way out.

So, Tony, how much longer with those sunglasses?

Well, Dr. Garrett said the Botox will be off in a few weeks.

Tony,

I'm sorry.

I feel a little bit responsible for you spiraling into Botox land.

Me, of all people. I mean, I know what it is to have age issues.

I know the world looks at me as stunning and thinks I have nothing to complain

about, but the fact is, when I look in the mirror, I don't see stunning.

Instead of seeing what's right, I see what's not quite right.

I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. Come on, that'd be absurd.

But I just think if I had a little more here and a little less there, it'd be

perfect.

Isn't that crazy?

A little bit.

No, but we all do it, sweetheart.

And we have the white man's standard of beauty to thank for that.

Which the black man has adopted.

Along with the Asian man.

And a growing number of Latinos.

So what do we do? We embrace our big booties and we move on.

Maybe I misconveyed something?

The big booty?

That's your issue. My ass is fabulous.

This is Maya.

Hello.

Oh, hey, look, just so you know, we're just friends. More like big brother,

little sister.

I don't want him. Good guy, but shit knows.

So, what are you guys getting into tonight?

We were hoping to get into the hot tub.

And here you are, again.