Original subtitles

dangling like that. I specifically said no dangly thing.

And cute legs. You can't leave those water jugs in the middle of the floor.

Hey, Tony.

Place is really coming along, huh? Where have you been? I told you to start work

at seven.

You were serious?

I thought that was a joke.

It's not a joke. I have my grand opening in two days and there's a million

things that need to be done.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Oh, well, at least you brought me coffee.

I don't know if that's mine. I didn't know you wanted any.

Lynn, if you're going to be my assistant, you have to anticipate my

Oh, well, see, I am a friend doing you a favor, and so you find a permanent

assistant to anticipate your every need.

Oh, okay.

So does this friend expect to get paid?

Just so you try a latte work for you.

Lynn, just work your way down this list, okay?

Okay.

Yell at Lynn for being late. Lynn!

Okay, done.

Why don't you confirm the celebrity guest list, okay?

Speaking of celebrities, guess who I found at the Beverly Hot Springs?

Tony Charles Realty, please hold.

Who is it?

Big hint. She's not legally blonde.

On the phone, Lynn.

You are no fun.

Thanks for holding. Hello?

Hello?

They hung up.

Okay, that was too easy.

Second celebrity sighting. Guess who's nasty butt tried to get in the hot

without taking a shower.

I don't care.

Big hint.

Thursday night, must see TV. In her case, Thursday night, must see TV.

No more stories. No more guessing. In fact, no more small talk.

Let's pretend we're not girlfriends.

I'm your boss, and you fear me. You start work at 7. You check the voicemail

overnight messages, have the real estate section open, and on my desk with the

hot properties highlighted.

You answer the phones, and you don't put people on hold. You got that?

And you answer those phones at your desk!

Gotta start using my degree.

Life is good, isn't it, Joan?

I suppose.

I mean, you've got a nice little nest egg saved up, you know, cards paid off.

You've got family and friends who love you. Me.

Maya. Hmm?

What's going on?

Well, you remember that motion that you gave to Judge Hackett?

Yeah.

Well, the courthouse clerk called and the judge...

Kind of.

Sort of. Throw it out.

What? Why?

He noticed that you cheated the margins to get it down to three pages.

Oh.

Are you okay, Joan?

Yeah. I just need a moment alone.

Are you sure?

Yeah. My God, I'm fine.

proof lunch because I've had a morning from hell.

Well, don't come up in here because this is hell central.

Hey, you guys, we're going to have to do a really quick lunch because I am

swamped. Oh, I know a great place we can go. We?

Where are you going?

To lunch.

Think again. You need to stay here and answer the phones.

Hello? Voicemail. What about any walk -in client?

Hello? Door lock.

No. I want my assistant here during lunch.

But Maya gets to go. Hello?

Shut up.

You know what, guys?

I've got way too much to do here. Just go without me.

Okay, fine.

We'll see you later. Bye.

Okay, well, then, if you're not going, I get to go.

Joan! Maya, wait up!

First of all, you're not going anywhere.

And second of all, this is a place of business. Don't be screaming out like

fishwife. Okay, first of all, I'm going to lunch. Because second of all, I quit.

Don't overreact.

You are evil.

And I rebuke thee.

Lynn.

Lynn, don't you dare walk out on me. I will hunt you down and find you the most

select property because that's what we do at Tony Child's Realty.

Hi. Welcome to Tony Child's Realty.

Oh, so this is it?

Just these two little offices? We have a very nice front door. Why don't you

check that out as you pass back through it?

Oh, you're very direct.

I like that.

Who are you?

Shelby Gerard, personal assistant to the stars. Perhaps you've heard of me?

I've worked with all the Baldwins, most of the Waynes, and one of the Sheens.

Oh, so I see one of your employers is looking to buy a house?

No, I'm looking for a position.

Actually, I heard through my network that you were looking for an assistant,

I don't like you.

Good. I'm not here to be your friend.

I'm here to get those wires hidden, that water put away, and a confirmed star

-studded guest list for your opening.

When can you start?

Tony Charles Realty.

Shelby Gerard, Director of Operations speaking.

Yes, sweetie, I said the White House, not the courthouse.

Condoleezza ain't got time for all this.

Lady, I just got off the phone with the CEO of Logan Corp. Has Judge Hackett

ruled on their motion?

Mr. Sweetleton, there's a problem.

Judge Hackett threw out the motion because we cheated the margins.

Wait. No, no, honey, you. I can still work here through the tent pole.

He threw it out?

Yes.

Aw, hell no.

I'm sorry.

No, it is not you. It is him. You know, I have had it with Hackett. He has been

gunning for this firm ever since I outed him at the club for using Rogaine.

Sir, sir, sir.

You realize that if Judge Hackett doesn't consider our motion that Logan

could go under. No, no, no, no, no.

Hackett is going under. Not only am I going to have him removed from this

but I've got a good mind to sleep with his wife.

Huh? Hell, I may just do that anyway.

Albie. Tony.

Messages. Four.

Muffins. Warming.

Coffee. Tea.

Huh?

Raw coffee. We're on to green tea.

But I need coffee.

No, you need green tea. It's full of antioxidants.

It's a drink of the millennium. Says who?

Says us. We're not trendsetters. We're innovators.

Did you talk to the florist?

Orchids confirmed they're working on dahlias. Is the menu from the caterer

confirmed? Yes.

But I took the liberty of changing the mini quiches to prosciutto -wrapped

pears. But I love mini quiches. They're my good luck food.

They also scream frozen food section.

Shelby, that menu was not a series of suggestions.

Call the caterer and change it back.

Now, where's my phone sheet?

On your zip disc.

Uh -uh. I don't zippity -do that.

I want my phone sheet on paper.

Has Enron taught you nothing?

That's just paper we'll have to shred later.

Shelby, I want my employees to show initiative, but only when I tell them

Now put my phone sheet on my desk.

Shelby, where's my desk? Being delivered this afternoon, your old one was all

wrong.

I personally chose that desk.

Well, we all make mistakes.

Look, the name of this place is Tony Child's Realty.

Not Shelby's do as she damn well pleases, realty.

I want what I want, how I want it. I want my coffee, my quiche, my phone

and my desk.

And I want a letter of reference because I can't work under these conditions.

Excuse me?

I'm quitting.

You can't quit on me.

We have a million things to do. We have a grand opening in 24 hours. No, you

have a million things to do. You have a grand opening in 24 hours.

So, you're just gonna... Walk out on me.

This is wrong.

What we're doing here is wrong. I give and give and give and you just take and

take and take and... I'm tired.

Because Tony Childs is evil, and her office is a pit of evil.

Okay, Lynn, you need to heal some more before you can help.

Okay.

Tony, maybe the problem isn't the whole world.

Maybe it's the boss. I mean, if one person quits, then you can blame them,

but... Blame me?

Well, then I should be the judge of that.

Two people quit on their first day, then you only got yourself to blame.

I don't need a friend to tell me the truth.

I need a friend who can get me a nutty buddy.

Tony, let me tell you a little story, okay?

When I first started working for John, she didn't know what she was doing.

She was controlling and obsessive, but I was patient with her.

Yeah. I trained her to stop obsessing over every single detail, delegate, and

trust me to do my job. And with the Lord's help, I molded that saditty

control freak into a wonderful boss.

Well,

in order for me to try that trusting and delegating crap, I have to have an

assistant first.

Oh, you know what, girl? I have someone for you. My cousin Kim.

She just graduated from junior college, and I know she wants to build up her

resume. Great. Would you give her a call? Yeah. Here you go.

Thanks for my nutty buddy.

Buddy.

Tony, look, things are going to work out, okay?

I mean, take Maya, for example.

When she first started working for me, she didn't know anything about being

assistant. Nothing, okay?

But with patience, guidance, and prayer. Thank you.

I molded that opinionated, back -talking ingrate into a wonderful assistant.

Remember, Tony, it should take time.

Unless, you know, you treat Kim like you treated me.

And then, you know, I wouldn't really blame her. She just torched the place

you in it.

And then smashed your church's gun with a ball -peen hammer.

that off my chest.

Oh, now the healing can really begin.

Rupa.

Oh,

God. William, you startled me. What are you doing?

It's like you don't know, Joan.

I've been driving myself crazy for days, wondering every time I opened a door or

answered a phone or flushed the toilet in a men's room, is this Joan's April

Fool's Day counter -prank? Counter -prank? When did you prank me?

Well, I got the clerk from the courthouse to call you and tell you that

threw out the Logan motion.

Oh, this is that brilliant.

That was a prank?

William, you fool!

Oh, you're the fool. Get it?

How was I supposed to know that was an April Fool's? William, at some point in

an April Fool's prank, you gotta say April Fool's. Well, didn't the clerk say

it? No.

Well, that's one muffin basket I'm gonna have to cancel.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, William.

I thought that was real.

I told Mr.

Sweetleson, and he blew a fuse, and he said he's gonna try and get Judge

thrown off the case.

William?

When they find out that this is a joke, you are going to be in deep trouble.

Oh.

You're good.

You're good you had me going there.

April Fools.

Right?

Oh, oh, Tony.

I forgot to tell you. Jane Clayton called for you earlier.

You mean Joan Clayton?

No, I'm pretty sure she said Jane because I wrote it down.

Hey, guys. Hey, Carla.

What's up?

What's going on?

How's it going?

Good. Great.

You know, lots to do.

Lots to do. Very busy.

Oh, my God. Everything is falling apart. The caterer was supposed to be here.

Where's the caterer? Calm down. Calm down. You have Kim here.

Delegate. Use her.

Ken, did you call to check on the caterer yet?

Oh, I didn't think she still wanted me to do that. What do you mean?

Because you told me to send out this fax. Well, can't you do both?

Not at the same time, my, my.

You've been dealing with that all day? Yeah.

Okay, girl, fire her.

But she's your family.

Honey, about marriage.

True. Let her go. She can use that welding degree somewhere else.

You know what? It'll be okay.

I'm being patient, just like you told me. Okay. Right?

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Tony, while you were in the bathroom, somebody came in.

Something about a house.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to step into the quiet room.

It's weird. She does that every few minutes.

Okay. They're still there, and they're still talking. That's good.

Okay.

All right, now.

Remember, we're together. Okay.

Keep a united front. Okay.

Clayton?

Dent? Judge Hackett and I were just talking about you. Your Honor, I can

explain. This was all Joan's fault.

William!

that played the April Fool's prank on me. She started it last year when she

pointed out an imaginary stain on my tie, then flipped me in the nose when I

looked down.

Yeah, you thought I forgot, didn't you? Well, revenge is a dish that's served

cold.

Your Honor, you can see that this man is clearly deranged, and in a moment of

madness, he started a silly prank that just got out of hand.

It's kind of humorous, really, when you think about it.

Humorous? Yeah.

You find it humorous to mock me?

No, no, no, no, no, not at all. Not at all. As a matter of fact, sir... It was

all his fault.

I have a victim, too. Enough. If I could hold you both in contempt, I would.

Instead, I'm filing a report with the bar, detailing your transgressions and

recommending you for probation.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You've both said more than enough. I'll expect your letters of resignation on my

desk first thing in the morning.

That will be all.

One other thing, counselors.

April Fools!

We got you. We so got you.

Oh, I love hazing the junior partners.

Oh, my ribs.

My ribs.

Guys,

guys, thank you so much for rescuing me. The food is so delicious, I'm almost

glad... I can't speed up the caterer.

Oh,

no, she didn't.

Oh, my God. Is that Danny?

Don't fawn over my celebrities. Excuse me.

Hey.

Hey. So, you're here.

Yeah, well, I had to come. You know, work stuff.

Really?

So, so, you got someone new?

Yeah. Danny.

Well, that was bad.

It's right, you know it. Well, I got someone new, too.

I hope you two are happy together.

Oh, we are.

Yeah, very happy.

Danny's looking for a ranch in Santa Ynez.

He likes horses.

Well, there are plenty of good realtors in Santa Ynez.

Why'd you come to me?

Because I only want my boss to have the best.

Bored now.

Can I have a minute?

No, I want to go now, Shelby.

You'll have to wait.

So what do we need to have?

Patience.

Can we go now?

Danny. Now?

Danny, go play in the car and pretend it's a submarine.

I hate you.

Okay.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't babysit for any more stars or would -be stars or has -been stars.

like I have it together, but my bra is nothing but a giant nicotine patch.

And what does this have to do with me?

Nothing.

Forget it. This was a bad idea.

I guess maybe it was.

Tony, Tony, by the way, I took some initiative.

All the cars were parked and the valets were just standing around, so I sent

them all home. I think I saved like a hundred bucks.

Kim?

Who's gonna get the cars?

Oh, they left the keys.

So double my salary? Done.

Sucker, I would have tripled it.

Sucker, I would have come back for the same.

Sorry I'm late.

Tony, you know it would have been a lot easier if your valets wore the red

jackets. William, the valets went home.

Okay, very funny. April fools.

William, they did.

William, you gave your car to a stranger.

Yep, there goes John Sunset.

Okay, very good. You got everybody in on your joke.

Should I call the police?

Yeah, I think it's going to take a while.

William, it's not a joke.

Well, it's not a very good one.