Original subtitles

All right, best man woman, how's my bachelor party coming? Oh, William, I

think I've outdone myself this time. Yeah?

Yes, okay.

Okay, first, we're gonna start with pin the bunny tail on the centerfold, and

then we're gonna segue into karaoke.

That's party gold.

You're kidding, right? No! Oh, and I think everyone is really gonna love the

ricky -ticky bachelor punch.

I might even spike it.

I was afraid of this.

I want you to hire these two girls.

Now they're twins and they bring their own mud.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

They're too big a thing.

My girlfriend.

My girlfriend.

They're too big a thing.

My girlfriend.

from the top of the closet, pillows from the bottom. Yeah, and the duvet off my

bed. Lynn, why don't you and your sisters just stay here?

Finally, it took you all day to get a clue.

Lynn, why are you tripping over your sister's coming anyway?

Family is family. Okay, you do not have to impress them.

Oh, but it's the first time they're coming to L .A. for gotcha day.

Gotcha what? Gotcha who?

Gotcha day.

That a white people custom?

No, it's an adoption custom. It's the day that my adoption became legal.

Usually I go home to celebrate, but this year they wanted to come down here.

And, well, can't keep you guys apart forever.

What's wrong with them?

What? Nothing.

I mean, Hillary's great. And Tanya, well, Tanya's Tanya.

Oh, hell. What?

She's uncomfortable around black people?

No, no, no, no, no. She's very comfortable.

Tanya's one of those people that's... Well, you know, if you don't like her,

just keep it to yourself, because I really, really want you to like her.

Lynn, Lynn, sweetie, you know what? We all have relatives with issues, right?

Like my Uncle James, who became my Aunt Janice, who now thinks he's Mexican.

Well, we would get to you. I needed some help, but shoot, he makes the best damn

salsa.

You know what, Lynn? Just relax, okay?

We love you, and we're gonna love your sisters, okay? Do you feel better now?

Well, half better.

I'm just not completely sure that they'll like you.

Uh, bitch, what's wrong with us?

Maybe that.

Not everybody knows that your bitches have love in them. Yeah, Maya, I didn't

hear the love the first few times you said it to me.

That's because it wasn't fair, bitch.

Well, I love you too, heifer. Oh, I think I'm going to cry.

No, no, no, Maya, really?

Keep the bitches to a minimum.

And Tony, try not to be so judgmental. And Joan... Oh, what?

Come on. I don't have any issues. I'm perfect.

Therein lies your issue.

Everybody, we're here! Hi!

Okay, uh, Joan, Tony, Maya, this is my sister, Tanya, with, uh...

I hate her already.

You guys are one sister short. Where's Hillary?

She had an anxiety attack on the plane. They had to escort her off.

Oh, well, that's okay. Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.

But not too comfortable.

You know, last time I told a thirsty sister to make herself comfortable, she

stayed for eight years.

Of course, she was welcome, and so were you.

Okay, can I take your bag?

Sure. Thank you.

Maya, right? Yeah.

Girl, you brains are tight. Who hooked you up?

Oh, well, thank you. My cousin Ronnie, he has a shop on Crenshaw called

Situations. Do you think he could fit me in? Girl, I need to do something with

this mess on my head, because I can't have his L .A. brothers see me look all

toe -up.

Hey, uh, Tanya, check out Joan's African art collection.

Joan, interesting pieces.

Azanda, Yoruba.

Girl, you better keep your legs together with all these fertility idols you got

all up in here.

Yeah, Tanya knows. She spent a couple of years touring Africa studying tribal

rituals. More like spent a couple of years touring with Eric if I do learn to

wrap that head.

I don't recognize this one. Where's it from? Pier 1.

Yeah, I got that one for her. Cute and on a budget. Been there. Girl, do there.

Okay.

to see you honor your African roots because Lynn had me believing you were

Martha Stewart. I was all ready to come in here and school.

Girl,

you are too funny.

Yeah, and obviously exhausted. Hey, let me show you your room.

Okay.

What's up, Bettina Marie?

You know what? Obviously, Lynn wasn't lying when she said Tanya's not

uncomfortable around black people. Okay, well, you know what, y 'all?

I think Tanya's cool. She's just wigging, that's all.

What? She's a wigger.

You know, a white person trying to act black. Y 'all ain't no secret.

White people love us.

Well, I don't like it when white people try to act black. Hell, I don't like it

when black people try to act black.

What is acting black, anyway?

Like, anyone can define that.

Well, I may not be able to define it, but I know Chaka Blonde ain't it.

William, about your bachelor party.

I've been receiving a lot of regrets.

Well, I know Michael Edwards is coming. Oh, yeah, he called. He said he's

happier getting married. He's actually surprised because he didn't think your

mama would let you, but no, he's not coming.

What about Timothy Murphy?

Murphy. Oh, Murphy.

Prisoner number 024601.

Yeah, not available.

Please send cigarettes.

Just cut to the chase, Joan. Who is coming? Oh, well, it's me, you.

Your Uncle Harvey, who's bringing the magic tricks, the guy who waxes your

Oh, and I'll know about Yorgie from the mail room as soon as I find my checked

English dictionary.

June, look, let's just cancel it.

No.

William, you can't do that.

Come on, it's your bachelor party.

And I could really use a break from Lynn's sister, Tanya. She's kind of a

little... a lot getting on my nerves.

Really? What's wrong with her?

Apparently, she's a wigger.

The absurd, Joan. The Whig Party disbanded in 1856.

Dang, girl, you outdid yourself.

Cornbread, fried chicken, black -eyed peas, greens, and potato salad, okay?

you know what must be good, because I don't eat just anybody's potato salad.

Yeah, hello, you never eat mine.

That's because you need to take out them capers and put in some relish.

Curse you.

Nobody makes potato salad like me. The secret is all in the bacon grease. Damn.

Now I know the secret. I guess you're gonna have to kill me.

Joan, we gonna get some music up in here or what?

Yeah, I was thinking something mellow. Maybe Enya?

Oh, hell no.

All right, what about the new Britney Spears CD?

No, Joan.

Sugar, I need some hip -hop. Some I can dance to.

I need to work this meal off.

Brothers like a big butt, but they don't like it too big. Ain't that right?

Tony, you're going to leave his sister hanging?

Okay, you know what? That's enough.

I'm sorry. Tony, come here. Just have some more potatoes. There ain't enough

potato salad in the world.

Tonya, you're white.

And? Stop acting black.

Oh, damn, guys. Let's not get into this, okay? No, no, no, no, no.

Les, I want to hear what the sister has to say.

That, you see? That right there.

That's acting black. and you need to stop. You're a sister.

Not a sister.

You're an er.

Er, er.

Not an ah.

Ah. Ah.

You're not acting like an ah with all that white hair stitched into your head.

Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, all right? The hair is Korean.

And what about you, huh? Put that little do -rag tied up on your head.

We only get one black drama per decade.

Y 'all keep this up, they're gonna cancel soul food. I just got showtime.

Look, Tanya, we just want you to be yourself, okay, so that we can get to

the real you.

You don't have to impress us by cooking soul food and listening to hip -hop and

trekking through Africa.

It's just a little too much.

Too much what?

Too much black, and we need a break.

Look. If it upsets you that someone white acts more black than the two of

combined, then that's on you.

Okay, you know what?

Y 'all just need to let this girl be who she is.

Tanya's okay, all right? There are plenty of girls like her in my

Yeah, guys, it's a multicultural world.

I mean, isn't it a sign of progress that the lines between cultures are

blurring? Les bleurs, c 'est moi.

Okay, well, you know what? The blur can stay, but I'm not going to be insulted

in my own house. So, Tanya, you've got to leave.

Or, um, to put it in your chosen language, she's kicking your ass to the

And then Tanya accused me of not being black enough.

So I kicked her out.

Wow.

When white people tell me I don't act black, they think it's a compliment.

When black people tell me I don't act black enough, it's a criticism. This is

the first time I've ever heard of a white person criticizing a black person

not being black enough.

You know what this means, don't you?

The white people are getting confused.

I say we run to a bank and get some loans while the getting is good.

Oh, no.

But she is my sister. No.

I really would like everyone to come to my gotcha day dinner. Well, then have

Tanya come early and let me know when she's gone and I'll come by.

You're a hard woman, Joan.

Therapy work.

Oh, no.

Ronnie, your braid isn't tight.

Girl, I've got to.

Your hair is fine. Not enough curl to lock a braid in, so I've got to do it

tighter.

Remember, girl, for beauty, you must stop.

said stories. When I first met her, she was running around like, Mama, please do

my hair.

How about you, girl? Why is your lip stuck out?

What happened?

Joe didn't go for it? No.

Look, Tanya, I know Joan is overreacting about this whole thing, but I'd really

like everyone to get along for my gotcha day.

Could you just be the bigger person and apologize?

Lynn, I'm not going to apologize for being me.

And look, I'm your sister. They're not your sisters. Gotcha day is the day that

we got you, not the day that they got you. So if they don't feel like coming,

But you can still come, Maya. You're an honorary sister.

Well, girl, if you invite my cousin, I'm coming, too, because Ronnie does not

miss a party. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, Peaches, that's my song.

Turn it up, turn it up.

I've been waiting.

Maya Denise

Wilkes, what kind of situation did you bring up in Situation?

What? Somebody better get her, because Peaches got a hot comb in his hands,

okay?

But, Matt, girl, you know that I... No, no, no, no, no.

I know that you crossed the line.

Girl, what were you thinking?

She wasn't thinking.

Look, look, everyone, I'm really sorry. I am so embarrassed outside.

What?

A word.

It's a part of the hip -hop culture. It doesn't even mean anything anymore.

You cannot be that stupid.

It doesn't mean anything anymore. Why is pizza still holding that hot comb?

Tanya, all my life, I've been trying to rationalize why you are the way you are.

But the fact is, I don't know why.

And I don't really care anymore.

You've gone too far this time.

You're not black.

Stop trying to be black.

It's a trip.

All of a sudden, you're the authority on what's black?

You. Two years ago, you were a biracial grunge girl. And a couple years before

that, you were just some preppy white girl. That doesn't matter.

Because when you use that word, only one of us gets hurt.

And there is pain behind it that you will never know.

Tell her.

There's plenty of hotels by the airport.

Why don't you go find one?

No, she didn't.

Yes, she did.

In front of God and peaches.

Well, I just want to go on the record and say I hated her first.

With her phony ass.

Thinking all we do is go around rolling our necks and shaking our... Well, you

know what I mean.

All this time, I've been calling her my wigger and she's been thinking of me as

a...

I've been bamboozled.

Where is she now, Lynn? I don't know. Magic Johnson Theaters, Magic Johnson

Starbucks, Magic Johnson's house.

Lynn. I don't know.

She's a grown woman, Joan.

Do you know this much? She's out of my life.

She's your sister, Lynn.

She's not mine.

Okay, you don't mean that.

When did you suddenly get all pro -Tanya?

You're the one who kicked her out first.

Yeah, but she's not my sister.

Okay, he might not be the one you want, but he's the one you've got.

You need to work this out.

I don't know you.

I didn't agree to have him down.

Don't get your hopes up too high.

This trick is a hit or miss.

And ta -da!

Miss.

William, don't go. Don't go. Look, I don't want to cry in front of two people

barely know.

I'm so sorry.

I really wanted this to be special for you, and I've let you down.

Yeah, you did.

Oh.

No, I guess it's just easier to blame you than it is to face the fact that I

don't have any friends.

Good night.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute, pal.

Turn up!

I heard somebody actually wanted to marry you, Dent, so I just had to come

for myself.

Congratulations, pal.

Guys, I love you!

All right, that's enough. Save some for your bride.

Oh, my God!

Norman and Lamar! Hey, what's going on, guys? Let's go!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I can't believe you can even show your face around here, man.

been drinking let's catch up yeah you did i can't believe you do all this for

me oh come on i'm your best man woman did you really think i'd let you down no

john you're the best you're leaving right yes i'm

going now don't mess up my house don't mess up my house excuse me hey william

heads up you don't want to miss your show

I made the plane, but her luggage did.

You look ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as I felt when I hurt you.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

I'm sorry for leaving you on Crenshaw with a bunch of angry black people.

Were we cool?

No.

But you're my sister, and I love you. I love you, too.

What is all the flavor about anyway?

Well, I started off doing it for you.

For me?

Yeah. Lynn, how many black kids were there growing up in our neighborhood in

Seattle? Including me, one.

And how many in our high school?

Including me, one.

And how much effort did Mom and Dad put into exposing you to African -American

culture? Oh, don't put this on them. They're great parents. Sure they are,

they dropped the ball in that one area, so I made it my mission to pick up the

flag. Well, all you ever did was embarrass me.

Don't mind me how different I was from everybody else.

Why didn't you ever tell me that?

Maybe I was a little too busy trying to be white so nobody would notice I was

black.

Do you remember when you were going through your Valley Girl phase and I

you down and made you watch Ruth?

I think of Chicken George.

So all of this was for me, huh?

I may have started out trying to help you, but in the process, I found myself.

Lynn, this is me.

I mean, not this, but I love black culture. I love hip hop. I love

and potato salad made the right way.

Ooh, and don't forget how much I love the brothers.

Well, you've had enough of them.

Oh, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.

It'd be still cool if I say that, right?

I want to make a toast to my baby sister.

The day we brought you home, our family became complete.

We loved you then, and we love you even more now.

Lynn, I'm happy we got you.

Gotcha, too.

And to Lynn.

You guys, I think I'm going to cry.

And to my other sisters, I just want to apologize one more time for everything.

Tiny, we told you everything was cool when you treated us, Peaches, and my

cousin Ronnie to drinks at Magic Johnson's Friday.

Oh, I think I'm going to cry again. My family's getting along.

Hey, you guys, now that we're being all open -minded and tolerant, you guys want

to hear my new Inyo CD?