Original subtitles

Okay, everybody, there's fruitcake in the oven, eggnog in the fridge, and

chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Actually, you've only got the open fire.

I got hungry.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everybody!

William! That's Mr.

Kringle if you're nasty.

William, what are you doing? I'm practicing.

I'm a new office party Santa.

McDonald's been hogging this suit for the past 20 years, but...

Thanks to an energetic hooker and an undiagnosed heart condition, he'll be

having an angioplasty and I'll be spreading glad tidings of great joy.

All right, well, you're just in time to deck the halls with Baz and Holly.

No, really, I want you guys to deck the halls. Grab some Holly.

All right, but I'm not donning any gay apparel.

Honey, you're wearing black patent leather boots with heels.

Too late.

My girlfriend.

For anything.

My girlfriend.

meaning of Christmas has been lost in all this commercialism. What about

celebrating the birth of Jesus?

Why isn't that gift enough?

Because that leaves Santa out of the equation.

And Christmas time without Santa, that was just winter.

Well,

one way to avoid this crass commercialism is to set a $5 limit for

That's what Bosco and I did.

Uh -uh, forget that. I might be broke, but I want any broke gifts.

Wait, Linda, does this whole $5 limit thing have to do with the fact that

still doesn't have a job?

Well, that depends.

I was working my last nerve a job.

Look, five bucks or not, he better get you something good after all he's put

through. Well, there's one way to make sure you get what you want.

You can come and sit on Santa's lap.

Oh, please.

I didn't fall for that when you didn't have a Santa suit on.

Well, how about you, Maya?

Come on, I need the practice.

All right. Right, Santa.

But if one hand even grazes my ass, you'll be kicked in your jingle bells.

Not threatened, Santa. Okay. He's only jolly until provoked.

So, what do you want for Christmas, little girl?

I want my husband to like my friends.

Well, mostly just Joan.

What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And what?

Wait, wait, wait. Why does Darnell still hate me? I haven't done anything to...

that man off in weeks. Okay, Darnell's problem is he just doesn't know you. But

that is going to change because I want y 'all to come to my house for Christmas.

But, but, but, but, uh, uh, everybody knows that I am the holiday person.

We always do the holidays at my house. Well, now, if you'll allow Santa to play

Solomon for a minute, why not split the baby in half?

Do Christmas Eve at Jones and Christmas Day at Meyer.

Wait, why don't you get Christmas Day? All right, you would have ended up with

half a baby, wouldn't you?

gonna have to get me anything?

Open it.

Open it.

But I'm glad it is.

A watch!

Damn, it's beautiful!

And I needed one.

Yeah, I kind of got that when you said, man, I sure do need a watch.

Now I feel bad. You know, I only got you a cookie.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, you know me so well.

I love Christmas cookies. Oh, it's not much.

Just cookies that I baked from scratch till midnight by myself right here, but

hey.

Thank you.

And thank you for the watch.

And keep the tin. I can keep my bullets and something else.

Hey,

Santa.

I just put out my annual holiday cookies. You want to nibble on my

I'm not certain, but I think that's sexual harassment.

Hey, Santa.

Looking good.

Hey, Sabrina.

I'll be putting you on my nice list.

Hey, Heidi. I know where you've been sleeping.

William,

isn't it if you've been sleeping? With her, it's where.

She put the ho in ho, ho, ho.

Really, Tom? What? Santa knows all.

People sit in your lap and tell you stuff. It's like a lap dance. and a

confessional all wrapped up in one.

William, what happened to your pants?

Oh, no!

Oh, man!

How did you stain those?

Oh, there's no way of knowing.

I'm a sleepwalker.

You slept in the suit?

Yeah.

Like that's so weird.

Oh, hey, Darnell, hey.

Merry Christmas, Bethany.

What'd you call me? No, no, no.

It's a German holiday cookie. It's a spicy ball with the dark center. I

put them out for the office party along with the Abel Clippers.

Oh, no, you don't care about any of this, do you? Not at all. No.

Where's Maya? Oh, she's still at lunch. Okay.

Oh, what's the name of that Japanese place that y 'all go to? Because maybe I

can catch her. No, no, no. Actually, she's shopping.

She went shopping.

Okay.

Hey, while I'm here, I want to ask you advice about something.

Advice? Wait, for me?

Yes. Sure, okay.

All right, Maya's been hinting about wanting a watch for Christmas.

I thought we might be able to recommend something. Oh, of course. Well, she

loves my Bulgari, and she's always admired Tony's Rolex until Tony pawned

but... How much were you looking to spend?

About a hundred.

Have you tried the softer side of Sears?

Don't, don't, don't. Maya, I have exciting news.

Darnell came by to see you, and we had a nice talk. I think he's warming up to

me. Darnell came here? Yes, I told him you were shopping. Isn't it ironic that

just when your husband and I are becoming friends, you go and have an

I am not having an affair. But thanks for covering, girl. I'm not doing it

again.

Maya, I don't feel comfortable lying to your husband.

Okay.

But would you look at what's there?

girl i knew it was nice but you are sleeping with him aren't you

oh no joan we are just friends he gave me a watch i gave him my cookies

okay that didn't come out right well that's where you're headed because when

man gives a woman an expensive watch it's more than just merry christmas it's

merry christmas now drop your panties well good thing mine are cute

I'm giving the watch back.

Hey. Wait, what are you doing?

Shut the door.

What's going on?

Yvonne got that stain out of my pants.

Along with three yards of fabric.

She shrunk them, Joan. What am I going to do now?

I don't know. You could turn tricks in West Hollywood.

Oh, sure.

Sure, go ahead, laugh.

Maybe you can find another suit.

Check the Colibri costume shop. There's no Santa suit.

Just your regular Hanukkah pants.

William, you can still make it work, but if you're going to wear the Santa hot

pants, you might want to go with a matching Santa tube top.

Maya, I said you were going to give that back. Oh, yeah.

Just went on the right time.

Get it.

I'm giving it back now.

When, Maya?

Now. Hey,

ladies. Merry Christmas, Ken. Merry Christmas. William is hiding under his

trying to work up his courage. I promise I bring him some more eggnog and some

lotion for those ashy knees.

Excuse me.

Long story.

Stan, I asked you to come down here so I could give you your watch back.

What, is it losing time? No, no.

It's $1 ,500.

It's too much.

Look, it's more than just a Christmas gift. It's also a thank you gift for

helping me get my job and for being my friend. I don't know. It just seems like

we're not at a point. No strings.

No strings.

I gave it to you. If you don't want it, give it to somebody else.

Well, I didn't mean to get you all upset.

You can never get me upset. Okay.

Please, just keep it.

I'm going to get back to my office, but they're forcing all the new guys to put

on these reindeer antlers and go prancing through the lobby, so I've got

up there and get nice and drunk.

Thanks again.

I do love this watch.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Donnell.

Surprise. Yes.

I didn't think you wanted to come.

Well, you always say. Saying that I'm stuck in my ways and I ain't open to

change. Well, I changed my mind and my clothes and here I am. Well, that's

great, baby.

You want some eggnog? Yeah.

Able slivers. Oh,

hell. Joan got you talking in tongues, too.

What's that?

What? On your arm.

Oh. That's where I burn myself making them cookies that you love.

No, the watch, Maya.

Huh?

A Concord?

Where'd you get an expensive watch like this?

Of this watch.

The Concord.

We'll see what that copper was.

Okay, everybody. I think we should be drunk enough to start singing the

Christmas carol.

It was a gift.

John gave it to me.

John.

First off, I'd like to start with a medley of my personal favorites.

Rudy, hit it.

We wish you a merry...

Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me Ave

Maria.

Jingle bells, jingle bells.

I do not know. I told her to end on an uptempo.

The watch, Maya.

I told her I was buying you a watch, and the bitch went behind my back and

bought you a better one. What's up with her? I mean, what is she thinking? Is

she trying to split us up?

Does she want you? I don't know.

That's it, isn't it? She wants you for herself.

I don't think so.

Hey, guys, look what I found.

Mistletoe. Kissy, kissy.

You want to kiss something?

Kiss my ass.

Am I kissing your ass? Thanks for buying my wife a better watch than I did. Wait

a minute. No, you wait a minute.

What are you trying to say? That I can't afford to buy my wife nice things? That

I ain't about nothing?

Anything. What? Nothing.

Just because your bougie, bitter ass can't get a man, you want to break us

You want everybody to be as lonely and miserable as you are. Well, you ain't

going to get mine.

You told him I bought you the watch?

Yes. That was before I knew y 'all's backstory.

Well, why didn't you just get the watch back to Stan?

Why didn't you tell me to get me a watch? Don't you dare throw this back at

Maya! Look, I gotta go.

Hey, everybody!

Santa's got issues this year, y 'all, but thanks to a little Christmas cheer,

I'm thinking, what the hell? I'm coming to town!

Christmas candle holders.

I've been waiting to do a fight on our gift exchange. Where you been?

At work, so I could afford the $5 gift.

Anyway, I thought we weren't exchanging our gifts till Christmas Eve.

It is Christmas Eve.

In Jamaica.

And I couldn't wait.

Oh, so that must mean you got me something special.

No, it means I couldn't wait to see what you got me.

Five dollars.

Hours of pleasure.

Priceless.

You naughty little girl.

You must have read my letter to Santa.

When do we get to use them?

Well, that depends on what you got me.

All right, I thought I knew every sex toy there was. but you got me

stumped.

It's a chew toy.

For a dog?

Voska, we don't have a dog.

We do now.

Chew toy $4 .95.

Little rescue dog.

Priceless.

You're kidding, right?

No, I mean, got them from the pound.

Okay, look, I can barely keep your ass. in raisin bran and jerk chicken, and now

you bring me another mouth to feed?

What were you thinking?

I was thinking it was a sweet gift of unconditional love.

Think again, island boy.

You're fine.

I'm out of here.

Oh, please.

Pack that bag every two days.

I have to be happy with Merry Christmas and my cute face, but that's all y 'all

are getting this year.

Okay, well, here's my gift to you.

Aw.

And here's my gift to you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey.

You guys, Roscoe packed his bags and left.

Oh, please.

How many times did that refugee pack that bag?

No, this time I think he really means it.

It rained last night and he didn't come home.

Well, why don't you just hang a little sign over your door that says no jobs

here. He'll come back.

Hey, come on. I love that man.

I mean, I might not be able to live with him and I'm not entirely sad he's gone,

but I'm worried.

We're sorry. We shouldn't have made fun.

Please give us something to remember him by.

Maybe it's warmer on the patio then.

Hey,

Maya.

Oh, look who's here. It's the little liar.

Don't start.

I just came to give you all your gifts. Let her in.

Merry Christmas.

Look, I know you're mad at me. And you have every right to be.

But it gets worse.

Now what?

Darnell. doesn't want me to be friends with you guys anymore.

You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not.

What did I do?

Guilt by association.

Sorry. I don't believe this. None of this would have happened if you had just

given the watch back. It's a little too late for that now.

Look, I screwed up.

And now I've got to live with the damage.

No, Maya, now we all have to live with the damage.

Don't look at me like that.

Just when I finally started to love your ass, I gotta let you go.

What is she talking about?

Just listen, baby.

Go on, girl.

She won $3 ,000 on a scratch -off ticket, and she hid this computer at my

and she used the rest of her winnings to buy herself a watch, and she told you

that it was from me so that you wouldn't get suspicious.

That's the truth.

See? Here it is.

Now take it already. It's cold out here.

so you could get your business started.

I can't believe you did this for me.

Come here, girl. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Joan, I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

No, no.

You're just a good husband.

Joan.

Love, this is just wrong.

Shut up, Blaine. I smell bacon.

So, ladies, we cool?

Oh, um, well, that depends.

Yeah. Are you sharing the bacon?

It's in the kitchen.

Thank you, Joan.

You're welcome. Maya, I just couldn't bear to lose you as a friend. I know.

so glad you thought of something. I'm so miserable.

Maya, you have got to end this thing with Dan.

You came so close to losing everything.

I know, I know, but I didn't. Thanks to you.

Look, we're all here.

I didn't lose anything. Not my family, not my friends.

Just your Christmas bonus.

That computer wasn't free, girl.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Lynn, I found Vasco. Where?

In the alley, begging for food.

Come on, Boston.

It's done.

It broke his arm.

No, no, no. I thought his arm moved. It's okay.

Dad. No, no, no.

Don't take it out.

Yeah.

I gotta go, Stan.

Yeah, I just called to say Merry Christmas.