Original subtitles

Guys, I don't feel like going home.

Let's do something. Let's go out.

Oh, we're going out. We're going to the movies. We can waste all this cute

sitting in the dark. I don't think so.

We're not really going, all right? Y 'all are just my alibi for my husband.

I'm going for coffee with Stan.

Oh, I know all about that kind of coffee. Strong, black, and hot.

Look. I told you guys, it's not like that, all right? Stan and I are just

friends. That's it.

I just need to figure out the fastest way to the Marriott.

What? Is there going to be a coffee show?

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Okay, that's it for three of us. Where are we going?

Actually, I promised Vasco I'd have sex tonight.

I didn't promise it'd be with him, but I think he'd be pissed if it wasn't.

Bye. Okay, bye -bye.

Okay, Tony, it's me and you.

Unless you've got an affair or a sex appointment.

Hey, you bought me dinner. I'm yours for the night.

I've got some groceries. I'm yours for the week.

Tony, I'm working on my woman of mystery look.

What do you think?

It's working.

Because I don't know what the hell you're doing.

Oh, just spoil the moment, why don't you?

I'm feeling very sexy. Okay. Very classy.

Very... buzzed.

What number am I on?

One. Ooh, I better slow down.

Oh, Tony.

That guy's checking you out.

Oh, I'm so bored with being worshipped.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, um, thank you, but I don't drink.

Okay, can you buy me a drink?

Okay, that's kind of cute.

Um, how about I flirt with you and we call it even?

Okay, I'll just, uh, spin over this way.

Sure.

I hope this is your stop.

I don't know what just happened. I guess someone must have WD -40'd around here.

How are you? I'm Jackson Vance. I know.

I love all of your movies.

Even the one with the chimp?

Okay. What was that about?

About 10 million.

It's Jackson. It's Jackson Vance. Oh, yeah.

Jackson, good to see you again.

We met?

Yeah, at that screening at Woolen J.

You didn't tell me you went to the screening. I didn't, but that's how you

to play them. I'll give you the attitude and I'll run with it. Okay.

Hey, I'm seated over here. Would you like to join me?

Oh, gosh, I don't know. I'm actually supposed to be meeting Wesley.

Wesley's in Japan.

That trickster.

Okay, I don't know him. I was really just trying to impress you.

Have I?

I was impressed before you said anything.

I'll just shut up then.

I've seen those ads.

Tony Child.

You specialize in results.

Well, I don't want to toot my own horn.

But toot toot.

I like to think I specialize in results too.

Are you trying to take my line?

No, I'm trying to take you out.

Oh.

Would you like to go out with me sometime?

Sure, why not?

How about Saturday?

Works for me.

Good, I have a sitter that night.

Oh, a house sitter?

No, no, I have custody of my eight -year -old.

An eight -year -old what, exactly?

I have a daughter.

Oh. That's not going to be a problem, is it? No, no, not a problem at all.

Uh -uh, I do not date a man with children.

Oh, come on, I think guys with kids are sweet.

And they are so thankful for any sex to give them.

It's messy. At some point, the child's needs and my needs will collide and...

When I inevitably get my way, the little brat will resent me, so why go there?

Uh -uh. I think men with children are sexy. Girl, nothing turns me on more

watching Darnell hang out with Jabbar. If he's so sexy, Maya, why are you

cheating on him?

Bitch, I'm just trying to enlighten you, okay?

And I told you guys, all right? Stan is just a friend.

Tony. Perhaps the reason you have issues with children is because you're a child

yourself. Yeah, I, on the other hand, have the sophistication and the maturity

to attract Jackson Vance. Oh.

I'm dating a movie star.

I've got his number.

Wait a minute. Jackson Vance gave you his home phone number? His pager number.

Same thing.

Mm -hmm.

What?

What is wrong with a pager number?

It's not that I hate children.

I like them in a petting zoo kind of way. You know?

I'm just not good with them. This will give you a chance to practice.

You always said you wanted to have children. No, I said I'd have to have

children. But that deal comes with a rich man, a nanny, and a tummy tuck.

Tony, go out with a man. You need a date. And I need somebody else to pay

your meals for a change.

Well, I do like him.

And he does own a couple of fast food restaurants.

They're not high end, but a girl's got to eat, right?

I'm going to go call Randall since I have his home number.

Yeah, and what if he's not there? Then what are you going to do, huh?

You're going to wish you had his pager number.

But anyway, y 'all, I've got to go and meet Stan.

And by the way, y 'all are dragging me to that huge white cell at Stroud's. And

Lynn, I'm your ride, so you cannot go home until the store closes.

Huh? Yeah, I'm tired of covering for you.

Vasco's starting to think that I'm cheating on him.

Wait a minute, that could be way out.

Girl, we had so much fun at Stroud's.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

are leaving until you explain to me what is wrong with the pager number john

okay when somebody gives you their pager number that means they got something to

hide well that's not always true dan only has my pager number marinate on

wow

you tell the best stories me you're the one who dated a guy wearing a girdle

And if another funny thing happens to me in the next couple of days, wouldn't it

be fun for me to call you and tell you about it?

Yeah, that'd be all right.

Yeah.

I could just page you and wait for you to call me back.

So, what's going on?

What's going on is you can reach me, but I can't reach you. I mean, what are you

hiding?

More women?

No, really, more women?

You'd be in good company.

No, really, you would.

Jackson, I'm serious.

It's all fine.

Fine, I'll give you my home number.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's up to you. It's no pressure.

So happy that you can't ruin my high.

I have the home number of Jackson Van Action Star. Do you want to hear his

message? Yeah, yeah.

What do I do if he picks up? Oh, no, he's not home. He's on location.

He's doing reshoots. Oh, reshoots are when you... I know, I know.

Dated in the biz.

He puts his theme music on his answering machine?

Yeah. What a poser.

Give me this.

Forget it, William.

I didn't want you to feel left out. I wanted to give you an experience that

everyone on the floor has already had.

Joan, are you familiar with the TV phenomenon known as Blue's Clues?

Yeah.

Well, yours truly has dated the voice of the pepper shaker. And I've learned the

hard way. Do not get caught up in the celebrity whirlwind.

They're just people.

And as soon as you lose sight of that, Matt Damon is going to swoop down and

take her away from you.

Sam, are you trying to tell me that Matt Damon is dating Mrs. Pepper?

You did not hear that from me.

Uh,

I can explain.

Okay. Dart?

Okay, the babysitter canceled on me at the last minute. I've been trying to get

my mother on the telephone, but no luck. I know she'll be home any second.

And, uh...

Oh, anyway, this is Courtney.

Hey, Courtney.

I'm Miss Tony.

Courtney. Hi.

Well, come on in and take your shoes off. Take your shoes off, sweetie.

Are her hands clean?

My hands are clean.

Well, uh, Randall, do you need to call your mother again?

I'm hungry.

Sweetie, we'll be at Grandma's in a few.

My blood sugar's dropping.

Okay, um, listen, Tony, I have pizza here for you. Do you mind if she just

here really quick? Oh, oh, oh, sure.

Um, um, let's not eat on the good table. My clean lady doesn't come until

Thursday.

Here you go, sweetie.

Now, if you want to call your mother again, the phone, it's right here.

Daddy, we've got to go rent Spy Kids.

Sweetie, Grandma's got videos of her place. But she doesn't have Spy Kids.

promised that if you went out on a date, I could watch Spy Kids.

Tony, just let me run down to Blockbuster while she eats her pain. By

get back, I would have reached my mother, and we can still bank our dinner

reservations, all right? I'm sorry.

Oh.

Oh, not with your hair like that, Courtney.

I know it got messed up. Well, then we'll just have to fix it up.

See, if your daddy sees your hair like this, he's going to think it's worse

it is.

Courtney, this is a really good lesson for you to learn now.

No matter how much you hurt on the inside, you must always look fabulous

the world preys on weakness and it's never fair to ugly.

Okay. Will you make it pretty like yours?

Honey, I only have a brush.

Daddy!

Your arm doing what?

Jumping on Miss Tony's couch.

Courtney, I told you. Don't be mad at her. It was my fault. I scared her in

-jump.

So if you don't want to see me anymore, I understand.

I just need $20 to get my car to the valet and maybe pick up a snack on the

home.

Tony, of course I want to see you again. Accidents happen.

Thank God you acted so quickly and brought her here to the emergency room.

So I did good?

Yes, you did very good.

Oh, thank you.

Look, I'm just going to step outside and leave you two alone.

Don't go, Miss Tony.

I think she likes you.

Well, I do have a way with children.

Oh, God.

It's got to be Jack, then. I saw on Access Hollywood that he's back in town.

Hello.

Hey, Vasco.

Yeah. Oh, you need a ride back from Magic Mountain?

I'm not here.

Okay, um, she just stepped out.

Yeah. Okay.

Good luck.

Bye.

Okay, Vasco, it's Trippin. How are you supposed to go pick him up if you don't

have a car?

Okay, so you see what I'm dealing with here?

Okay, you guys, why isn't Jackson calling me back?

I left him a message.

Now, I know he's famous and all, but it ain't like he's got an Oscar.

You know what? I bet he just lost my phone number. Because with those

types, that can happen.

Oh, yeah. Or maybe he just doesn't like you. That can happen, too.

Yoo -hoo.

Ladies.

I would like you to meet Courtney.

Courtney, these are the girlfriends.

That's Miss Joan, Miss Lynn, and Miss Maya.

Hi. You've got this child drinking coffee.

It's a latte. It's mostly milk.

Don't spoil our diva's day out on Courtney.

Yes, Miss Tony.

So, Courtney, how old are you?

A lady doesn't escalate her age, and a lady never tells. Right, Miss Tony?

The child is gifted.

Miss Tony, this coffee is running through me. I need to use the bathroom.

It's around the corner, but, honey, it's better to say you need to check your

makeup. Nobody needs to know your business. And don't forget to wash my

know, because I... I'm Courtney Potter, and I specialize in results.

That's cute.

You know, it's enough that we got to deal with one of you in the world. We

need to.

Please, I wish somebody could pump some class into my country -ass childhood.

You know, Tony, I think you're good with her.

You might be feeling her with superficial and reprimanded values, but

doing it well. Thank you.

Guys, I think I found my late maternal instinct.

Tony, didn't you break the child's arm? Aren't you cheating on your husband?

A friend your husband doesn't know about.

By the way, Tony, I was with you last night at the hospital just in case

asked. You were with Stan again last night?

Actually, Mom and I were at the strip club in Gardena.

I don't need to know.

Darnell doesn't need to know about that either.

I wish he would have called to rescue me from Bosco.

Guys, I don't know if I'm turning into Tony, but...

having sex with an unemployed man.

Unemployed? Hell, I don't know how you'd be having sex with an uncircumcised

man.

Shoot,

if it wasn't for my porn collection, I wouldn't be having any orgasms at all.

Girl, you got some serious man problems.

Girl, I have man problems, too.

Um,

sweetheart, how much did you hear?

You're worried about boys, and until you can read Zora Neale Hurston and write a

ten -page thesis, you need to steer clear of their twisted little minds.

I know, but I like him, and he won't sign my case.

Oh, honey, unless his name is Louis Vuitton or Gucci.

That's tacky anyway.

Okay, how long do I have to sit here and pretend I don't know you?

Just give it another half hour.

Jackson's always here on Wednesday nights.

Joe misses Tuesday.

Damn.

So, as I was saying yesterday, how long do I have to sit here and pretend I

don't know you?

Just until Jackson gets here. And if he acts interested, you're just some

stranger at the barn. If he blows me off, you play for the Lakers.

Oh, no, he didn't. Oh, yes, he did.

Uh -uh.

Hi, you can't return my phone call? I know you got my message.

Yes, I did.

Oh, 40 of them.

Okay, what are you talking about? I only left you one message.

I have call ID.

Your number showed up over 40 times. Now, look, Joan, I've been in these

situations before.

Oh, no, no. I don't need another one. Stalker? No, no, no. A stalker is

who follows people around.

And here you are.

Okay, okay.

I might have called you a few dozen times. One of my friends and colleagues

know that I... Okay, I missed you. No, I'm obsessive -compulsive, okay? And I

working that out in outpatient... Okay, look, the point is, okay?

Me, I am not a stalker. Just stay away from me, or I'll turn your name over to

the LAPD Stalker Division.

It's Mrs. Pepper all over again.

little Courtney?

Uh, confused.

Why? What happened?

Well, let's see. She asked me, what's an orgasm?

What's a porn collection?

What is circusized?

What the hell have you been saying to my child?

Oh, God. Um, see, you don't understand. See, um, I went over to my girlfriend's

house and we got to talk. And you gave her coffee?

Yeah, and I also told her to stay away from boys and encouraged her to read.

Well, she did read. She picked up a Zora Neale Hurston book, which is hardly PG.

You're not the type of influence I want around my child, Tony. But your child

loves me.

My child also likes jumping on furniture, and we see how that turned

God, look, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I'm sorry, okay?

I should have checked you out before I ever exposed my child to you.

So that's it?

That's it.

Tell Courtney thanks for the lattes and I'll pay her back when I can.

I am not a stalker. Of course you're not. That loser was lucky to have

as attentive as you.

And I was good with that child.

Yes, you were.

That child was blossoming under your care.

You know what, Tony? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of us.

As long as we know the truth, that should be enough.

Damn right.

Damn right.

Woo -hoo.

And I may have lost little Courtney, and I'm going to miss her. Uh -huh. But I

still have my eggs. Yes. And one day, I'm going to make a fabulous mother.

Fabulous. At least on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Tuesdays, and

I'll be at the gym.

Where's the child going to be on the weekends?

Best thing there, Daddy. Girl, you know I can't keep a man.