Original subtitles

Well, thank you, but I can't take all the credit myself.

My man at Barney's was the one that recommended the European cut.

The rest of the look I chalk up to good jeans and yoga aerobics.

William, get over here.

Keep it warm for me.

Were you openly receiving flirtation from that woman? She started it. And

your job to stop it. You know what's the most remarkable thing?

Ever since I started scraping my tongue, all the ladies want to climb aboard

Steamboat Willie.

Well, you need to keep that little tugboat in your pants because you're

First of all, ocean liners.

Secondly, I can't stop a woman who's hell -bent on making me her paramour.

William, it's about you and Yvonne for the rest of your natural life, so don't

let some desperate hoochie with synthetic breasts come between you.

nothing wrong with synthetic.

You know, both my pillows are synthetic, and I bury my head in between them

every night.

Really? Oh!

Do you think I'm sexy for sexy's sake or because I'm engaged sexy?

I wouldn't use the word sexy.

Hot, huh?

William, have you ever lied to your therapist?

I'm a tad hurt. You just assume I've been to therapy.

William, you told me a long time ago you went to therapy. Well, then I'm a tad

hurt you remembered.

But no, I never lied. Never.

Well, the one time.

Five times.

You know, I shouldn't really call because... Look,

I'm trying to tell you I lied to my therapist.

You know how he wanted me to break it off with Tony? Well, I told him I did,

I didn't.

Ooh, that is bad.

I just lied about the traffic on the 101 when I was late.

Hey, Joan, just to remind you, you have that conference call in ten minutes,

your therapy appointment at one, and Tony confirmed lunch at two. However,

like to point out that if you just canceled your lunch with Tony, you

need therapy.

Maya, my friend, my pace, my way. Okay? Just be back by three because I have my

hair appointment.

Whoa, what hair appointment?

Joan! I keep your entire week at a glance, and you can't remember my

hair appointment. And don't give me that you -can't -go look, because that would

be messing with my peace of mind.

Maya, there's no way that I can make it back here by 3 o 'clock.

Joan, I can't be late for Ronnie. He'll make Peaches wash my hair, and he's too

rough.

Cancel, Tony. I can't. I promised her that I'd give her some real estate

Uh... Okay, um...

Call Tony and tell her I'll meet her 15 minutes early and I will cut my session

short. Why does someone have to be here?

Oh, she's got this whole thing about the phones being covered. I don't know.

Can you believe her?

That's what happens when you make friends with the help.

Well, I mean, at this point, I shouldn't be bothered by Maya taking four hours

to get her hair done. I'm really not, but... No, and you're her boss.

Well... No one's really the boss of Maya.

Why do you find it so difficult to confront Maya when just last week you

able to cut Tony out of your life?

Tony committed many grave offenses.

Maya's just a little misdemeanor.

Let's talk about Tony for a minute.

Not to mention, Maya has a lot on her plate right now. We're talking about

I'm a little more interested in why you don't want to talk about Maya.

Have you ever... Have you ever given any thought as to why you would maintain an

unhealthy relationship with Tony for so long?

Tony is not all bad.

Not according to my notes.

Okay, well then write this down.

Tony is giving.

Half the shoes in my closet are just because gifts from her. And Tony's able

remain calm in a crisis.

So are sociopaths.

And she's funny.

Narcissistic personalities usually are.

Not narcissistic. You didn't end it with Tony, did you?

Yes, I did.

It may be residual regret I'm hearing, but I think you're trying to let me know

you couldn't end it.

Damn, he's good.

I gotta get me a new therapist.

If I told you I broke it off with Tony, then I broke it off with Tony. Why would

I come here and spend my money to lie to you? Are you calling me a liar?

Do you think I'm calling you a liar? Why do you keep answering my questions with

a question?

Okay, so you broke it off. I'm sorry I doubted you.

Most people take months to accomplish what you accomplished right off the bat.

Well, I did.

Probably explains why I was at the top of my class, too.

You might want to write that in your notes. Oh, don't worry. I'm putting

everything in my notes.

I think I've got my next book here.

We're going to do this until you get it right.

Oh, hi, Joan. You're home early.

Go.

Time.

No, Vasco. You're going to have to shave five seconds off of that or we're so

busted. I'm sorry, man, but I have rug burn on my elbow from my welcome to

America sex.

Okay, but this is the easy drill. What are you going to do if you walk in the

front door?

I'm pretty late.

How come I can't just tell Joan that I'm here, huh?

Vasco, it's a process with Joan. You don't spring things on her, okay?

You've had a week to tell her I'm coming.

What have you been doing?

Avoiding her.

Okay, technically, I'm not supposed to be living here either.

So let's try this again.

Look, I can't do this.

If four Jamaicans can race a bobsled, you can make it out of this room in

seconds.

Thank you.

I went ahead and ordered.

Oh, good. What'd you get me?

Nothing. I didn't know if you were going to show up. Oh, that's okay. We'll

share.

Anyway, you wanted to know if I had any leads, and... Oh, here's one.

The Beisels.

She just got pregnant, and he got a big promotion, so they're going to need a

bigger house. It's tricky, though, because he's Cape Cod, and she's

Mediterranean. So I'll sell them a flat board with an olive tree.

I'm Tony Childs. I specialize in results.

Oh,

I saw you admiring the Norman Smitherman good sex the other day. So I got us a

pair.

Tony, you don't have the money for these. Take them back.

Both pairs.

Do you see the cute for quitter on my forehead?

I'm Tony Childs. I know, and you specialize in results.

No, I'm Tony Childs. I've never returned a pair of shoes in my life.

Can we just go get a hot dog on a stick?

Where do I know you from?

The Wilshire Philatelist Society?

No.

I know.

Gold's Gym.

Every morning, 6 .30, elliptical machine.

And always in some nice pair of bike shorts.

I picked them up from a cheap little outlet in the valley.

I find they don't chafe.

I'll have to check it out.

Or better yet, maybe you could show me where it is.

The chafing, it's cleared up. That's the magic of the shorts.

Um, excuse me. William,

this is the part where you get your mind out of your shorts and you tell her

that you're engaged. We're just having a conversation. Then the conversation

should be, I'm engaged. Scat, be gone. You have no power here.

She's right.

Although I'm flattered by your attention, I am engaged.

We happen to see each other on the street or in the gym or in my dreams.

We should just nod and move on.

You're lost. I was hoping you could spot me on my mattress.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I heard that. You ought to be glad that I

saved you from that hoochie. Saved me from what? Feeling good about myself?

It was just a little harmless flirting.

William, when you're engaged, there's no such thing as harmless flirting.

Harmless flirting leads to her butt naked. Butt naked leads to you being her

baby daddy. Baby daddy leads to another...

which leads to yet another incident of black -on -black -on, because you know

Yvonne will kill you.

Really? Buck naked, do you think?

Hi.

Well, hello, Joan.

You eat here, too?

Sometimes. Hi.

I'm Tony Childs.

I know so many Tonys.

many of you, Tony.

Enjoy your meal.

Thank you. You too.

Say, you want to split some green tea ice cream?

Who is he?

And how many Tonys do you know?

Oh, God.

Well, let's see. I mean, there's Tony, my neighbor, and then there's Tony, the

florist assistant, and then there's always the R &B sensation, Tony, Tony,

Okay.

He's my therapist.

Therapist? Do you mean physical therapist, or do you have issues?

Why? You.

No, really, why?

You.

You have to admit, Tony, we've been going through some things.

If you have issues with me, you need to be talking to me, not about me.

I don't need to talk to anyone about you except you. Tony, look, I... No, you

look. We're best friends. You know what? No, we're beyond friends. We're more

like sisters.

And maybe it's been a little rocky lately, but we got through it.

We always get through it.

We're here, aren't we? Yeah, I know we're here, but I don't... I don't know

we should be.

Or should we be? I don't know.

I mean, maybe we just need some distance or some time.

Some space to figure this out. Figure what out?

Our friendship.

What has that shrink been saying about me?

I can't tell you that.

All right, then what have you been telling him about me? I can't tell you

either. Well, isn't that convenient?

Of course, before, I think this man is creating issues.

Convincing you there's a problem between us?

He'll keep coming back.

That's not what he's doing, Tony.

Oh, no?

Then what is he doing?

Do I need to go over there and ask him? No, no, no, don't do that. Look, I'm

just trying to figure... There's nothing to figure out.

It's you and me.

There's no he and you and me.

Get rid of him.

I don't think he's going to want to see me anymore anyway.

No, Joan, that's passive. You need to take responsibility and get that poison

out of our lives.

Don't you want things back to normal?

You know what?

You're right.

I should be talking to you.

I mean, I hear what you're saying about the whole sister thing. I mean, sisters

manage to get through it. Right. You know, like the other day when you

apologized. I mean, I know how hard that was for you.

I know.

And I did it in front of everybody.

Because I love you, Joan.

I love you too, Tony.

I'm sorry.

Now, let's get that green tea ice cream.

Joan.

You're never going to make any progress if you come in here and tell me what you

think I want to hear.

Is this a pattern with you?

No, I wouldn't call it a pattern per se.

Let me tell you what I observe.

You can't confront Maya.

You let this other friend of yours live in your house for how long?

And you told me you broke it off with Tony because you thought that's what I

wanted to hear.

There's more.

I told Tony I wouldn't see you anymore.

Let me repeat the question.

Is telling people what you think they want to hear a pattern for you?

What do

you want from Tony?

I know I don't want her out of my life.

That's clear. What else?

I want her to stop hurting me.

blaming me for her breakup with Greg and take responsibility and stop leaving me

holding all the pieces.

Then you need to change the nature of your relationship.

You keep telling me you want me to do things but you never tell me how.

How do I keep these people from walking all over me?

Learn to say no.

No.

Are you practicing or are you saying you can't say no?

If I say no, then they're going to hate me.

Until you can learn to say no, you're lying to yourself, Joan.

Can we stop a little early today?

No.

See how easy that is?

She's some guy. It's Roscoe.

Good to see you again, Joan.

Roscoe, get up off the ground. We're busted.

Why didn't you tell me he was coming?

He was flying standby, and I didn't want to jinx it.

Okay.

Okay, so, um, you're okay with him staying here? Whatever. Just turn it.

She cool, man.

We just told her the truth from the beginning.

Yeah, and she's a deep sleeper, so let's wait about ten minutes, and then we

will christen the sofa.

Just a minute.

How long has this man been in my house?

He has a name, Bosco, and he's been here a week.

know you but i do not good enough look you can stay but he can't but joan all

need is two months till i get approval on the research grant i applied for

remember it comes with housing and stipend lynn do you honestly think

gonna get the first grant you ever applied for okay you're gonna make a bad

mommy whatever okay fine if he can't stay then i'm leaving too okay

Hey, Joan, I'm glad I caught you.

You're going to have to take that phone conference call alone, because Yvonne's

having a ladies' day, and I'm going to get her some Krispy Kremes.

No, I'm not taking the conference call alone, and I'm not rescheduling. No.

Uh, William, this is where you need to tail Yvonne to find some Krispy Kremes

that deliver.

And, uh, Maya?

You need to find a hair salon that's going to take you after work is over.

Uh, Jo, my after work time belongs to Darnell and Jabari.

Well then, Maya, maybe you should teach them to do your hair.

Joan, it's tripping. I can't just change salons all willy -nilly.

I have a history with my stylist, Ronnie.

Is my kitchen inside out?

You mean the kitchens? Are they absolutely necessary?

No bathroom thing's really overrated. All you really need is a bush and a

Damn, Lynn, you sound like you're homeless.

I am.

Oh, that's right. My bad.

Look, Maya.

It's this Nancy Reagan herself.

Let me just say no.

You're lucky I let you in the bellhop erect that shanty.

It's a tent.

One more word and I'll revoke your backyard privileges.

She can't stop my freedom of speech.

You know, but isn't it funny, Lynn?

Just nod.

That she can get all firm and righteous with us, but she can't bring herself to

tell Tony that she's still seeing that therapist.

Oh, she stopped seeing that therapist.

Oh, really, Joe?

I guess I'll just have to cancel those four appointments I made this morning.

You lied to me?

Yes, I did.

I lie to everybody.

I'm a liar.

I just lost my appetite. That tends to happen when I've been betrayed.

Good. Don't eat. I don't care. I'm seeing Dr. Bales, and that's all there

it. If you keep seeing him, we can't be friends.

Good. You just saved me two years in therapy.

Oh, no, wait.

I lied.

Four years.

Fine.

She's the one who's lying.

She ain't got no money.

I know she hungry.

Tony. Oh, safety seat. What the hell are you doing here?

You know, I got to thinking.

A real friend supports another friend.

I thought we weren't friends.

Oh, that was yesterday.

Today, I figured if you want to go to therapy, fine.

I'll just come down and present my side of the story. You know what?

You are pathologically locked in your child, and I am not going to be your

babysitter. Ew, pathologically locked in your child?

Did we learn that in therapy?

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here? You know what? Don't stop me now. I'm on a

roll. I think I'm having a breakthrough.

I'll tell him, Joan.

She wants us to participate in couple therapy. Wait a minute. Well, I think at

some point that might be a good idea, but right now I think Joan still has a

of work to do before she's strong enough to confront this. What do you mean?

I am confronting this. I'm in the middle of confronting this. Well, then bring

it on. Oh, you don't want none of this. No one wants none of this.

All right, this might be a bit unorthodox, but...

Let's take this inside my office. Oh, fine with me. I've cleared my whole

afternoon. Well, that's easy to do when you're not selling any houses.

Doctor, do you hear the hostility she hurls at me?

And don't take my spot. I don't want your damn spot.

Ladies, look, if this is going to work, we're going to have to mind our manners.

You know, it's not all my fault.

My mother was very withholding. Your mother was a drunk.

Thank you.

You're looking rather sexy yourself.

William!

I know you've been setting me up the whole time. It's the only thing that

sense. All these women throwing themselves at me just because I'm

please.

You're just testing me to see if I'm ready for marriage. All right, William,

admit it. I set up the first two.

But that was Regina.

You know, the one who's suing the firm for sexual harassment?

Oh, no. Regina!

But it was a misunderstanding!

My lips slipped!

Oh, you gotta get up awfully early to put one over on Maya Wilkes.

Hey, Yvonne. It's Maya.

Yeah, girl.

He's ready.