Original subtitles

This is so great.

A night under the stars.

You know, I knew this architect who built a skylight in his bedroom.

So the love he and his wife shared would always be blessed by starlight as they

slept. That is so romantic.

To that meteorite. More to the odds.

Joan.

Sweetie.

This is it.

He's finally going to say those three little words that I have been dying to

hear.

Yeah.

It's on.

Time for SportsCenter.

Stoked and ready to hear I love you, and he didn't say it.

It's been four months. This can't be good.

Joan, don't be so Victorian. You don't have to wait for him to say it first. If

you love him, just tell him.

Well, of course I love him, but I don't want to say I love you. I want to say I

love you, too.

You are right. A woman should never say I love you first. Once she does, she

loses all of her power. This is coming from a woman who gets relationship tips

from her hairdresser.

Excuse me.

I get my relationship tips from Sun Tzu's The Art of War.

Joan, you're getting too caught up on the words. You know, men aren't as

expressive as women.

He'll tell you in his own way. I heard Darnell say I love you loud and clear

first time he handed me the remote and said, baby, you too.

Guys, we're at the point where he should be saying it. I mean, if I know that

Sean's the one, then shouldn't he know that I'm the one? What happened to the

new Joan?

The one who's going to let things develop naturally instead of backing

a corner with a double -barreled marriage shotgun.

How'd this go with the whole art of war thing?

Look, I'm late. Just read the book, Joan.

Meeting Greg.

Something like that.

Something like that?

What's she getting all cryptic about?

She and Greg are having some problems.

Poor thing.

She's probably going to pick Greg up from a bus stop and doesn't want us to

know.

Clay, I love it.

Your place is amazing.

I'm guessing Pierre Koenig, 1956?

You know your architects.

I should. I sold four of his houses, so I know what they cost.

Yay for you.

Hey, Clay, this is a perfect spot for the painting.

Well, I'd love to tell you that I put a lot of thought into how it would fit

into the overall design of the room, but tell the truth, there just happened to

be a hook in the wall there.

Wait a minute.

You hung it upside down.

No, I didn't. I think I would know.

Oh, yeah.

Your ex -boyfriend is the artist.

Ex?

Aren't you being a bit presumptuous?

The facts speak for themselves.

I am getting all your free time.

What are you, my palm pilot?

Tony, I can't control you.

You've made it more than clear that you are a woman who does whatever she wants.

I just assume that since you're with me every day,

I'm what you want.

All right.

I'm all out of clever repartee.

Sean,

we've

been together for four months now, and I want you to know how I feel.

Every morning, I wake up smiling because you're in my world.

I guess what I'm saying is I love you, Sean.

Nope, not buying it.

What was wrong with it? Nothing. You're auditioning for all my children.

Well, if you're such an expert, how'd you tell Yvonne? Like most guys do.

By accident.

So you're saying I should wait until it flips out? That's preferable. But if it

absolutely can't wait, I do have an idea that may help.

First thing you do is you take yourself a jar of olives.

You place them strategically on the counter.

You look at the other person and you say, olive juice.

Olive juice.

If you mumble it just right, it sounds like you said, I love you.

Now, if they say, I love you too, you're in. But if they look kind of confused,

just say, olive juice.

I can't believe I left the olive juice out.

Okay, that is the dumbest advice that I have ever heard.

Does it work?

Just say there are a lot of women in town wondering why I left olive juice

on their counters.

Okay, John, here are those papers you asked for. Oh, Maya, I could have waited

till the morning. Why don't you go home to Darnell?

No, no, it's fine. You know, I just got back, and I have so much catching up to

do. Maya, are you still avoiding Darnell?

I'm not avoiding him, no. I'm taking his phone call.

Besides, it's just a little too soon after my surgery to get all familiar

my husband again.

Maya, I think you should go home. Don't lecture me, okay? Besides, I have no

idea what a mess that temp left.

Hope you're not talking about Emily.

She was efficient, well -organized. She anticipated our every need.

Oh, she fed y 'all, didn't she?

Double chocolate brownies every day. Not to mention she harvested her own honey.

God bless her bee -stung hands.

Say, Maya, any other medical conditions you may need to take some time off to

deal with? You know what, you guys? You and Emily, fine. You can have Emily. But

let me tell you about your beekeeping bitch, okay?

She filed the login deposition under F for file. In fact, she filed all the

files under F. For file. And she put some butt -ugly butt -tube kit on my

screensaver, and I can't get him off of there.

Maya, that's her grandson, Chip. She's doing all this temp work so that she can

fix his overbite. Oh, is that what she told you to win your sympathy?

She's gunning for my job.

Okay, let me give you the lowdown on the temp world, okay?

They are nothing but a pack of savage dogs desperate for health insurance. And

should know, remember, Joan? You hired me as the temp.

Yeah.

Whatever happened to my old assistant?

I dropped him off at the Greyhound station.

Some people just can't handle the violence in the big city.

Welcome home.

Hey, what's all this for?

It's for you.

I was thinking that you're the one that helped me sell my first painting.

So I wanted to thank you, and suddenly it hit me.

A new duvet cover? Real Belgian lace.

Greg, you can't afford this. I got paint on your old one, right?

And, well, the point is, I was thinking maybe we could christen it tonight.

It's been a long day.

I'm feeling a little icky. Maybe all the smog. I'm just going to run and take a

shower. Oh, come on, baby. You know you always smell good to me.

Like lilacs mixed with... Smog. Lots of smog.

I want you right now.

All warm and funky.

Funky? Who are you calling funky?

You've hurt my feelings. Just get out.

Hey, look.

I'm sorry.

Would it help if I kissed you here?

And here?

And here?

Wait, wait, wait.

It felt real good right here.

John, there's something I've been needing to tell you, and I haven't quite

figured out how to say it yet.

Just say it. That's the best way.

Here goes.

Um, Joan? Me too.

What? Huh?

Um, honey, I've been offered a job in New York.

In New York?

Yeah, it's a really great job, and it could really boost my career. It would

only be for six months.

You're leaving? Yeah, and then I could transfer back to the L .A. office.

It's not like we wouldn't be able to see each other, and then when I can't

visit, you know, there's always phone sex.

If we really want to get hip, we can do cyber sex.

I have enough trouble checking my e -mail.

I want real sex. I want you.

I want more nights on the patio under the stars. Honey, the stars aren't going

anywhere. It's only for a few months.

And as soon as I get back, we can pick up right where we left off. And where

exactly are we leaving off?

With something really good.

That's it?

You don't have anything else to say to me?

They're giving me a nice per diem?

Wait a minute, I know what this is about. Hey, honey, I love...

What do you call this again?

Hair crisp.

Love it.

Now, how long will he be gone again?

Six months.

Well, John, you've gone longer than that without Seth.

I mean, you ought to be used to closing down a shop.

You're the one with the gone fishing sign on your... Hey, hey, hey.

Now, you know I have medical reasons.

Guys, I took your advice, and I decided to let things progress at their own

speed, but he wants me to wait six months. I can't commit to that if he

even commit to saying I love you.

Joan, I already told you. Just tell him how you feel. If he loves you, great. If

he doesn't, burn some of his stuff, exhale, and move on.

Joan, it'll be okay.

Anyone can see how much Sean cares about you.

It's just that it can be really hard telling somebody something important.

Especially when you love them.

Hold up!

This is Joan's problem and you're crying?

I mean, is that sympathy?

You know, I need to get home to my husband and my child because obviously

is Armageddon.

I went to see Dr. Dunn this morning.

She told me I have chlamydia.

Oh, my...

from having sex.

Tommy, this is terrible.

You're lucky it's just chlamydia and one week of antibiotics and you're cured.

Tommy, how could Greg do this to you?

I haven't told you the worst part.

Greg may not have been the one who gave it to me.

What? Forget what. Who?

Dr. Spencer.

Just because you're burning does not mean you're in hell.

Okay, well, who gave it to you, Greg or Dr. Spencer?

I don't know.

I slept with them both the same night.

Oh!

Just no!

Okay, two guys in one night? I hope you mean at the same time, because if not,

that's just sick.

How did this happen? You did use condoms, right?

Well, not really.

What'd you do? Use them as finger puppets?

Well, Greg and I stopped using them a few weeks ago.

And Dr. Spencer?

He's a doctor. He's clean. You saw the way he scribes.

What is wrong with you, girl?

Clean on the outside doesn't mean clean on the inside.

Tony, have my safe sex lectures meant nothing to you? You know, we need to

having some pop quizzes up in here.

It's not like I planned this, okay? It just happened.

I'm telling you, there's something serious between Clay and I. Yes. It's

Greg.

No, it's called chlamydia. And it's between you, Greg, and Dr. Spencer.

Hey, what are you doing home so early?

What? I can't go to my own house early?

Last time I checked the mailbox, I said Tony Childs.

Just a question.

The better question is, what are you doing here?

I came to get my good shirt.

I am meeting someone for dinner.

A woman?

Yeah, a woman.

Are you sleeping with her?

What? Look, Greg, I have chlamydia.

Oh, my God. Tony, are you okay?

I'm fine.

No, I'm not.

I need to find out where I got it.

Oh, do you think I'm cheating on you?

No, Tony, this woman I'm meeting happens to be an art dealer, okay? She may want

my work for her next show. Oh, that's great.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't even know I had it.

But I swear, I haven't been with anybody since we got back together. You know I

would never do anything to hurt you. I know that, Greg, but we stopped using

condoms. And the doctor said that it might be lying dormant in you.

We need to get that checked.

I will.

So I guess this means we can't. Uh -uh.

But we can still.

Uh -uh.

What about, uh... Now you know I have never let you do that.

The where's Greg now?

Free clinic, I guess.

Tony.

Well, he doesn't have a doctor.

Well, why don't you have Dr. Spencer check him out?

You just had to go there, didn't you? You know what you're doing?

You are transferring your guilt onto Greg. You're putting him through the

wringer. And you're making him out to be the bad guy.

Well, he could be the bad guy. He could have given me chlamydia. Who cheated on

whom, Tony?

The fact that I fell into the arms of a gorgeous, successful surgeon is not my

fault. Joan, if Greg had completely changed who he was and become the person

want him to be, none of this would have happened.

You need to get your head right, Tony.

So, tonight's the big night.

Remember that trick I taught you?

What trick?

Follows it, Tony.

William, I love you too.

What trick?

I rest my case.

Thank you. I don't need to use it, okay? I'm just going to lay my cards on the

table, tell Sean I love him, and see how he reacts.

Forget your cards and lay yourself on the table.

A man will say anything you want to hear during sex.

I don't have Yvonne's name tattooed on my ass because it's aesthetically

pleasing.

And hello to you, too.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I was just nervous.

But I'm glad to hear that you're okay.

Not as glad as I am.

But all I've been able to think about since I left the doctor's office is how

did you get it?

Well, the doctor said that it could be dormant, so if it wasn't dormant in you,

it must have been dormant in me.

Well, if you're the carrier, then why don't I have it?

Power of prayer?

I don't know.

Look, Tony, I love you.

I know.

So I have to ask you, you haven't been with anybody since we've been back

together, have you?

No!

Dad, no!

Honey, come on. We don't have all night. Just lay your cards on the table. I'm

trying. It's not that easy.

Baby, it's just a game. Don't be so competitive.

A game.

I'm sorry.

Here. Gin!

Play a player from the Himalaya.

I could use another drink.

Honey, if you keep drinking like that, we'll both be going to meetings on

Tuesday.

Sean? Yeah?

Sweetie? Yeah?

I...

What are you saying?

I said William's an idiot.

Let me take your coat.

I'll keep it, thank you. In fact, if it would have kept it on the first time, I

wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm not following, Tony.

I have chlamydia, and I think you gave it to me.

Are you sure?

That I have it or that you gave it to me.

I'm sorry.

If I haven't, I'm asymptomatic. How could this happen? You sterilized all

other instruments.

Well, maybe your artist had a little something extra on his paintbrush.

He doesn't have it, okay?

Hey, come on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

But maybe this could be a good thing.

Please let me borrow your rose -colored glasses. I'm not seeing it.

Maybe we rush things.

This will give us an opportunity to slow it down.

More like stop.

I don't want to stop.

I want a chance to get to know you better.

Since I'm already in love with you.

Tony Childs!

Hey, it's me.

I need to talk.

What's wrong?

I'm going to tell Sean it's over.

Why? What happened?

He won't say I love you.

Well, I've had two men tell me tonight and I'm on antibiotics.

I ain't love grand.

Look, the bottom line is I'm not going to be left hanging for six months.

Just because he never said it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.

Yeah, but I need to know he feels it. And the only way I'm going to know is if

he says it.

All right, Joan.

I want to ride the pony.

Good night, Tony.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing?

It's a big deal.

Baby, don't do that in front of me.

Honey, come on. If two people love one another, they should be able to do

anything in front of each other.

You love me?

Of course I love you. Don't I act like it?

Sure.

I love you, too.

Always wait for the shake.

Maya, this is Emily.

So, Emily, we meet at last.

It's so nice to meet you, dear.

Well, I hope Joe didn't work you too hard.

Oh, heavens, no.

You have everything so beautifully organized.

Well, Emily, I am an organizer.

The best I've seen.

I made you some welcome back peanut brittle.

My goodness, it's my favorite. How did you know?

Emily knows everything.

I just knew that you two would hit it off. Isn't she the best?

Yeah, the best at getting what I want.

So stay healthy.

Because one more hospital visit, this job is mine.