Original subtitles

Maya, you want anything? I'm going to go down to 847 and pick up some lunch. Oh,

on second thought, I just lost my appetite. Why are you tweezing in front

and everyone?

It is his hormones, girl. I'm taking for my fibroid. Now, you know, anything is

better than surgery, but still.

They're giving me all kinds of side effects, like all this facial have to

Oh! Girl, there goes one right there.

Oh, you poor thing.

You poor...

Fuzzy thing.

No, why is it side effects always have to be bad? You know, it's always

headaches or hot flashes or mood swings.

I mean, it's never a high IQ or walking orgasms. You know what I mean?

I sympathize, Maya, but it's just so unprofessional. I mean, can't you do

in the bathroom?

Girl, I did. These grew in on the way back.

Look what I just found.

Lynn is applying for yet another graduate program.

You're kidding.

She swore that was the very last one.

Well, it's not. There's nothing else he could possibly get a degree in. Oh,

yeah, there's one left. It's called anthro -psycho -never -get -an

-or -job -ology.

Joan, this has got to stop.

When I took her in, I thought it was just until she completed this term.

Yeah, well, when I took her in, I thought it was just until she completed

sophomore year.

Joan, you've had her eight years, I've had her eight weeks. We've both done

than our share.

And I have no privacy.

I've had to confine our lovemaking to the bedroom. That's just not natural.

Oh, wow.

Tony, I am so sorry.

What are you going to do?

Oh, what I'm going to do is finish packing her bags and point the cab in

direction. Uh, uh, uh, no.

I have finally got my house to myself and my boyfriend and myself, and I like

it. No.

Well, if she's not living with you, then she's out on the street.

Come on, Tony. I'm tired of taking Carol in. Can't you just keep her for a

little bit longer?

I've done my duty.

Duty? This is not the Peace Corps, Joan.

Although that girl is looking more and more third world every day.

Come on, Tony. She's like family.

Oh, you forgot.

I kicked my mama out.

So tomorrow night you take me to the movies. And no chick flick. I like

something with a high body count.

Saturday you promise to keep me company on my stakeout.

Saturday, I was kind of hoping to get together with the fellas and play some

ball. Oh, but that's out.

We can't play basketball when we're doing surveillance on a crack house.

I don't want to do another stakeout with you.

I don't want to go to the shooting range, and I don't want to be guy number

in the lineup again.

Okay, don't get all pouty. If you want to do something else, we'll do something

else. All that matters is that we spend every moment together.

So you tell me what you want to do.

Be guy number four in the lineup.

but that's usually where we put the guilt to it. But if you want to take

chance, fine with me.

Hey, guys. Hey. Sorry I'm late. I was at my pre -doctoral orientation.

Yeah, that's why we asked you here, Lynn. This is your intervention.

We think that you have an addiction problem.

I told you, that was oregano.

Honey, we think you're addicted to school.

Oh, right, Lynn the Junkie. I'm addicted to the pursuit of knowledge.

I'm Jonathan Forrest, film and cum laude. Oh, rush me to rehab, quick.

Come on. We were happy to support you emotionally, spiritually, and

these last few master's programs. But this time, we are only going to do the

emotional and the spiritual part.

I don't get it. You gots to go.

That's funny.

Let's order. We're serious, Glenn. It's time you get a job and a place to live.

What is a job, anyway?

I mean, slaving in a corporate sweatshop for petty capitalist gain?

Oh, let's not forget the never -ending pressure to be employee of the month.

thank you, America. I'm going for my doctorate.

Lynn, adults get jobs. We all have jobs. You need to get a job.

Okay, now, I am not a conformist. Okay, so what about a part -time job?

I'm overqualified for part -time jobs. So?

You can explain Hegel's dialectic to your McDonald's colleagues while you

the grease in the fryer.

You know, you'll enlighten the world and feed them.

Okay, I don't get it, you guys. I thought we already went through this. I

thought moving in with Tony here was the first step in me getting on my own

feet. But it's been eight weeks. It's time for another step. Even the cripple

don't move that slow.

Sorry, I thought that you guys were my friends.

And I thought you cared about me.

I'm just trying to finish my education, and I thought you had my back.

We do have your back. I'm just tired of looking at it lying on my sofa. Tony!

Okay, it's just that we see a pattern here, Lynn, and we think that you're

school to avoid the real world.

Duh. You guys just figured that out about me? Maybe you should go back to

school.

Okay, funny girl, laugh at this. You have seven days to find a job.

I suggest you get out there and start pounding that pavement now, or you're

going to find yourself sleeping on it.

Maya, does filing fit into your spa day?

You know, John, with all due respect, if I weren't having hot flashes, I'd whip

your temperate ass.

Okay, I'm just going to chalk that up to the hormones.

Okay, you know, whatever gets you through the day.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

Can I binge here for a second?

Yeah, go ahead.

That never gets old.

Sadly, yes, it does. No, but I really need to talk to you about Yvonne.

She's a wonderful lady and everything, but I feel like I'm hogging her.

You want her to see other men?

No, I want her to see other women.

Okay. I am going to tell you what I told Lynn. No, no, I just want her to have

some women friends.

She has plans for us every night.

And I love her and all, but when's my guy time?

Can't you ladies do something with her? She's a lot of fun.

Hey,

you ever run the obstacle course at the police academy?

Hey, William, William. Before Yvonne, you complained about not being able to

find a good woman, and now that you found one, you're trying to pawn her off

us. Was it wrong to be so complex?

Hey, everybody.

Joan, can I speak to you in private for a minute?

Sure.

So, I'll drop Yvonne off at your house later.

Let me know if I need to pack her lunch.

So, Lynn, how's the job hunt going?

Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, Tony, she's really got a bug up her butt about this one. That's

because your week is up tomorrow.

I hope you got a job.

Well... You know, I've been talking to some people. I got a few leads, some

irons in the fire.

I've been looking around. And, you know, basically, I have nothing.

You know, Tony really meant it when she said, you gots to go.

And that is why I came to you. Because, see, you are the sanity amidst the

insanity. You are the pillar in the house of our friendship.

I just need a little more time.

I think I found a lead on a job.

You have 24 hours to get a job.

24, okay?

And you might not want to waste any more time.

Come on, Joan.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Fine, fine.

But let me find my body washed up in the L .A. River Basin. Just remember, I

have a tattoo right here.

Got it.

Lynn got a job. Look, she gave me the money this morning.

$300. Girl, the Lynn gravy train is coming to a complete and final stop. I

I know. It's great.

And she'll finally move out of your house.

See, Joan, I knew if we stood firm and we presented a united front, she'd pull

herself up by her bra straps if she wore a bra.

Hey, Joan, I'm going to get to cleaning your gutters as soon as I get done

trimming all these trees.

Well, you should have seen her.

You know, you take this money because she's moving back in with you. No.

Hey.

What's this, a party at my house and I wasn't even invited?

Well, actually, you're the guest, Ivana. This is your intervention.

Intervention? I hope this intervention includes lunch.

You're an enabler. I'm a what? You enable the dysfunctional behavior of

friends by protecting them from the consequences of their actions.

Tony, is that written on your hand?

That doesn't make it any less true.

I am not an enabler. Yes, you are.

You know Lynn is never going to grow up as long as you keep taking care of her.

Yeah, I mean, I may be a leech, but you're the one who enables me to be that

way. And that's worse.

Joan, Lynn would be a stronger person.

if you weren't always there for her.

You're the root of the problem.

We fix you, we fix her.

Yeah, well, if I'm an enabler, then you are, too, because you let her stay at

your house for eight weeks.

You had her for eight years.

Friend.

Enabler.

Okay, we aren't getting anywhere with this intervention stuff.

Now, what we need is an interrogation.

I played a good cop, and, Tony, you just be yourself.

Well, Joan...

If you're not an enabler, then why do you let your friendship with Maya

interfere with your role as her boss?

Wait a minute.

Do you work with her?

I don't think so. So you don't know. I know you let her come in late and take

all these extra days.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Skirt back up.

Okay.

That land example was strong enough. There is no need to be going off on

cockamamie tangents.

Joan, I suggest you cop to this, because I don't know how much longer the

situation can be contained.

No, no.

There is no situation.

This is ridiculous.

And with all due respect, Yvonne, this is none of your business.

I'm on your side and this is none of my business?

Oh, okay, to hell with the good cops. Somebody give me a baseball bat and a

pound of roast beef.

What? I can't give a beat down on a empty stomach. Okay, I am not an

okay? I am a caring person. I help my friends. Isn't that what friends are

supposed to do? Yes, yes, yes.

Sweetie, but you're so busy helping your friends, they can't learn to solve

their own problems like this whole William and Yvonne thing.

What William and Yvonne thing?

I'm sorry.

Look at me. I'm just going off on my own little tangent. Look at the time. When

is lunch?

Okay, somebody better back up and make a plan.

Yvonne, it is not that big of a deal.

William just asked us to include you in the fun thing that we do.

So that's why you invited me? As a favor to William?

Hey, hon, listen. No, no, no, no, no.

I get it.

So my boyfriend had to beg you to spend time with a loudmouthed rogue cop that

has a tendency to go off.

You know, it's too bad they don't make careful off of the heart.

Because I thought I finally had some real girlfriends.

Say that, Jo.

This is what the enabling does. It hurts innocent people.

You want me to make you a roast beef sandwich, girl?

Okay, wait.

Stop picking on Joan.

She's not the problem here. I am. Shut up, Lynn. We had your intervention. This

is Joan.

No. By letting her take care of me all these years, I turned her into this

enabler. I enabled her to become an enabler.

I'm the mother of all enablers. So maybe if I just take myself out of the

equation, all this enabling will end. No, wait. Lynn, don't. Oh, for God's

Enable her to leave.

Exaggerate like you never wanted to kill anybody over a glass of water.

Yvonne, hey, over here.

Oh, you're not doing this just because of William, are you? Of course not.

Oh, my God, this is my intervention, isn't it? No, no, no, no, no.

This is just a friendly lunch to make up for the other day.

And if during the course of lunch somebody just happens to fix the parking

ticket for somebody else, that's just all a part of hanging out.

leech girl i don't know we haven't heard from her in three days i told you she

left a message saying she was still alive well alive isn't enough tony she

be cold and and hungry and alone that girl's got some street smart she'll be

fine besides most runaways hook up with someone who will look after their needs

in exchange for a cut of the action well at least she'd have a job how can you

say that she's our friend well if you know our friend And you know she can

care of herself.

Joan, she's fine.

I'll tell you what.

Since we're all girlfriends now, I'll do you a favor and put out an APB.

Sweetie, stay calm. Stay calm. You know, I promise we're going to find Lynn. No,

it's not.

They were turning my calls.

I've missed you.

Why haven't you wanted to see me in the past three days?

I didn't want to cut into your guy time.

All right, Joan's a dead woman. How much did she tell you?

All of it.

Including the woman on the side.

There's no woman on the side. Just checking. You'd be surprised how many

trip up with that one.

Yvonne, I'm not a perp. I'm your boyfriend.

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.

Yvonne, it's not that I didn't want to spend time with you.

I did this for us, for the health of our relationship.

I thought we would smother each other if we didn't have other outlets.

Then why didn't you just tell me that?

You know, it was pretty embarrassing for me when I found out you had forced me

on your friend.

I'm sorry, baby. I really didn't mean it that way.

Yeah, yeah. Talk is cheap.

What you gonna do to make it up to me?

I'll have some flowers.

Too done.

A massage?

Oh, I get that anyway. My partner has hands like an old German woman.

Gift? My love ain't for sale.

Okay, Von.

What do you want?

A key to the condo in a drawer?

How about a key to the building in a cardboard box?

Not so tough.

You want to have a stare down? We can have a stare down.

I should be home at 8 o 'clock.

You'd be so kind to be there to let me in.

Lynn!

Hey. Oh.

Sorry. Grandma?

Yeah, I can't tie up the line. Okay. Yeah, bye. Okay.

You know, you guys, I think I finally adjusted to the hormones.

I'm getting this fibroid cut out.

Does anybody know what frostbite looks like?

Yeah, your extremities turn black.

Oh, hell no.

I got you, girl.

Oh, hey, John.

I was worried sick about you.

Why? I can take care of myself.

I picked you up trespassing in Bel Air.

I wasn't trespassing. I was house -sitting.

Mm -hmm.

Okay. Yvonne, we were...

appreciate you bringing her back, but were the handcuffs really necessary?

Oh, no, that was my idea. I mean, I just wanted to see what they felt like in a

non -sexual context.

Not as much fun, is it?

Oh, well, if you ladies will excuse me, I have a 6 .45 on Larchmont.

What's a 6 .45?

That's my pedicure time.

Check y 'all later.

What, when?

You can't just...

here without leaving a number or anything i left a message yeah and all

was that you were alive i was worried sick good tony were you scared too

nope damn come on lynn you were punishing us and that is not

fair well i was hurt and that's what hurt people do now if we could only get

to understand what working people do okay okay i got that covered while i was

in a jacuzzi, sipping on a Mai Tai, I realized something.

You guys are right.

I need to stop being a leech and get a regular gig.

Woo! Hallelujah!

Lynn, I'm so proud of you.

I'm going to be a professional house sitter.

Oh, damn.

Okay, Lynn, that's not a real job.

Well, at least it's something I can do until I figure out what I really want to

do. Well, what are you going to do when you're between houses?

I don't know.

I'll figure that out when the time comes.

Yeah, yeah, you better do that. Uh -huh.

Because you can't come back here.

No.

No, no matter what.

Yeah, earthquake, tsunami, plague of locusts. You hear me, Lynn?

Yeah.

I saw that.

Okay, you know what, Tony?

I can't be you. I'm not you.

It's going to take a long time before I'm a full -fledged hard -ass.

Well, here's your first lesson. What?

Give her a condition.

Okay.

Okay. Lynn, you can stay, but only for three, two, one

month and a half. And stop looking at me.

Okay, okay.

You know, when the time comes, I'll stay with you, but only to help you with

your little problem. Okay.

Oh, but right now, can I borrow your car? I need to get back over there. I'd

love to play in the oven.

All this time you could cook?

Give me your purse, you skanky bitch, or I'll cut you.

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