Original subtitles

Wow. It's getting late.

Yeah, I should probably get going.

Even though it's a long drive and I'm getting late and I've been drinking wine

and the road is slippery and brake lights are out, my steering wheel keeps

popping off.

Okay, Sean, you know, you can borrow my car.

You know what? I would, except I lost my license.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.

You can stay.

You mean stay, stay, or just stay?

Whichever stay means we keep our clothes on.

Does that mean we keep our clothes on, or keep our clothes on?

Come on. What?

Come on, you know about my three -month rule?

Well, what did the brother get for a month and six days?

Ma, I need to talk to you. Good, because I need to talk to you too. Mine's

important. So is mine.

Mine's about sex. So is mine.

Mine's about sex with Sean, and if you say so is mine to that, then we're not

talking ever again.

All right, girl.

You go first. Yours is probably some little neurotic thing we can clear up in

minute anyway.

What I was gonna say is that I have decided to waive my three -month rule

have sex with Sean.

Darnell and I have been trying to get pregnant.

But we're having some trouble.

Oh.

Maya, well, how long have you been trying? Long enough to be worried. I

the thing is, girl, I know my cycle, you know, and I always ovulate three weeks

after I menstruate. Whoa!

Whoa!

William, all she said was menstruate. For the love of God, don't repeat it.

Bad enough having to hear it once.

You know, I'd like to think young ladies like yourselves would show a bit of

decorum. After all, this is... My office.

Right. And this is your door.

So use it next time when you use words like... Because men don't want to hear

it.

But, Maya, have you been to see a doctor?

Joan, no. I mean, I don't need to see a doctor, girl. I'm healthy, strong.

You know, those last two days I took, that was nothing but Disneyland and the

beauty shop.

Okay, well, then maybe it's Darnell.

That's what I'm thinking. You know, they got those new x -ray machines and

baggage handling. I mean, sure, they could find a gun, but I think they're

making my Darnell shoot blank.

So, is Darnell gonna go and see a doctor? That's where you come in. I

do you get a black man to go see a doctor about his business without

his pride?

Okay, don't look at me and take me this long just to get a black man.

Girl, so in other words, you got nothing for me. You know, day in and day out,

John, I do nothing but listen to your problems and answer with insightful...

Except for the days that you're at Disneyland, right? Right, which reminds

next Thursday, I'm not... You hear that? I'm not going to be feeling too well.

Uh -huh.

Guys?

I've decided to have sex.

And here I am with no confetti.

So what made you drop your role?

My three -month rule is just like the Constitution.

It's a living, breathing framework.

And you know I've never been a strict constructionist.

Don't I have to say I'm impressed?

I never expected you to be this calm about sleeping with a sex addict who's

with 300 women. Got it covered. Sean has been tested for everything under the

sun, and he is clean as a whistle.

A well -blown whistle.

He must have done it every conceivable way.

I mean, with all kinds of women. Leggy, exotic, buxom.

Twins.

Twins? Really?

Do you think so?

Oh, my God.

Joan, honey, this is a good thing. That man knows exactly what he's doing. All

you have to do is fasten your seatbelt, nibble on the complimentary nuts, and

enjoy the flight.

And if he loses cabin pressure, just put your head between your knees and

prepare for an emergency landing.

i gonna do you know i think i'm good in bed guys have told me i'm good in bed

but how do i really know if i'm good in bed a little blue box that says tiffany

on it to paraphrase renee descartes i think i'm good in bed therefore

i am see you guys have confidence like men have confidence how do i get

confidence like that oh a lifetime of standing ovations or studying

Hard, like I did.

Come.

Okay, what?

Lynn, you carry the Kama Sutra with you? Are you kidding? That girl is listed in

the acknowledgement.

Okay,

I can't do that.

Okay, Gumby couldn't do that.

You've actually done that?

Once, in a pool. Helps to be buoyant.

Wait, but wait, I don't see his... Okay,

I thought that was a leg.

So,

Joan's not meeting us?

No, Tony, she's out being waxed, plucked, and polished for her

Besides, girl, I wanted to talk to you alone.

Maya.

I don't think I can help you. I mean, I know how to tell a black man his elbows

are ashy or his mom's a bitch, but I have no clue how to tell a man his sperm

count is low. Darnell got his sperm checked out, and he's fine.

That's great.

So?

Aren't my earrings cute?

Come on, Tony.

You know what that means with a problem? It's got to be with me.

Are you absolutely sure you don't want to talk to Joan about this?

You know how Joan is in a crisis. She gets so panicky, she doesn't leave me

room to panic.

Still have you seen your gynecologist yet? No.

For God's sake.

People are trying to eat in here.

Don't you all have a powder room or something you can go to to discuss

Ovaries.

Cancel my Denver omelet.

You do have a gynecologist, don't you? Yeah, Tony got a whole slew of them down

at the HMO.

The problem is I can't get in to see any of them until June.

Maya, I happen to be close personal friends with the best gynecologist in

Which means she's probably the most expensive gynecologist in town.

Well, of course she is.

Halle Berry and Jada Pinkett have been in her syrups.

Well, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it. I don't even need to see a

doctor. What do they know anyway?

You know, I'm sure with a little prayer this whole thing will be cleared up.

Maya, I'm going to take you to see Dr. Dunn and I'll pay for it.

Tony, I couldn't let she do that. You know.

Oh, though, you know, I could pay for lunch, but you call it even.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Wow.

You look beautiful.

Did you pull a muscle?

No, I was just trying to look sexy. You don't think I'm sexy. No, of course I

do. I'll do it again.

Come on.

Oh, baby.

Come here, let me take that off you.

You don't like this one?

Sean, I have a red one. Do you want me to put the red one on? This works.

Come here, please.

Is my breath too medicine -y? I used mouthwash. Joan, relax.

We're not ready. We don't have to do that.

No, Sean, I want to. Oh, thank God.

Wow.

I never expected it to be like that.

Me either.

He was terrible.

What was the problem? No foreplay?

No for, no after, and no during.

There was no play.

He just had one speed.

Bam, bam, bam.

Wait a minute. And it was over just like that? Oh, no, no. He can bam all night

long.

You know, I mean, sometimes a girl wants a little less bam and a little more

wham. Yeah.

Okay,

ladies, I was going to say a little more finesse.

You know, once I slept with a guy that was really bad in bed.

So I gave him another chance.

And then he got better?

No, actually, he got worse.

But, you know, I was really young then, and I wasn't really any good either.

Maybe I should give him a call.

Wait, hold up, hold up, y 'all. I mean, Sean hasn't been with a woman in almost

two years.

Poor brother's probably just a little rusty.

Okay, can we please call it out of practice? Because there's just something

just don't want to think of as being rusty.

You guys are right. You're right.

I mean, I was nervous.

I bet he was nervous, so I'm sure he'll be better next time.

He was worse.

Wait, how can that be? I thought he was supposed to be the king of sex.

Yeah, well, obviously he doesn't care very much about his subject.

He didn't even look me in the eyes. He just stared off into space like he was

trying to solve a math problem.

You know, some guys do that to prolong the main event.

I hear that's how Pythagoras came up with his theorem.

tell you this is the first time he had sexual feelings tied to his emotion?

Yeah, so?

So?

He's really never made love before.

Oh, my God.

I'm dating a sex addict slash make -love virgin.

So how do I deflower him?

Oh, that's the fun part. You get to teach him.

Oh, oh, men love to be taught, especially if you reward them after

trick.

And if he doesn't get it right the first time, just rub his nose in it.

I've been a dog.

Besides, we're always hearing how black men aren't checking for black women

because we come on too strong. So how is telling Sean that he's not good in bed

going to help dispel the myth?

Well, you wouldn't worry about a myth to get good sex.

Oh, for me, good sex is all about the kissing. And I mean kissing the whole

time. Start to finish, top to bottom.

Well, I like to hear my name whispered softly.

Got to keep my socks on because I cannot get hot when my feet are cold.

You know what? I go for smart guys.

Really, I know it sounds cliche, but that is what really turns me on. A

mind is the sexiest thing there is.

Of course, a curious tongue is even better.

There's our lady.

Okay, you guys, we can just sit around here talking about what we like, but how

am I going to tell Sean?

I mean, I'm a person who has trouble sending back a steak if it's too rare.

Joan, if you do not speak up, you're never going to get your meat the way you

like it.

Hey. Hey.

What do you think of Dr. Dunn? Isn't she great?

Yeah. I mean, I mostly saw the top of her head.

But, you know, I appreciate that she warmed up the speculum and she let me

the saxophone.

Hi, Tony. Hey, Dr.

Dunn. I saw Angela Bassett in the...

We're here to talk about Miss Wilkes today.

Oh, okay. I hear you.

Email me later.

So, Miss Wilkes? Call me Maya. Anyone who's been all up in my business can

me Maya.

You have a very common condition. Oh, my God. I've watched City Evangelist

Doctor. When they tell a black woman she has a condition, she's dead by the

first commercial.

Maya, you are not dying.

Is she, Doctor?

You have a fibroid tumor growing in your uterus.

Did you say tumor?

These tumors are almost always benign and have nothing to do with cancer.

Cancer?

How do we get from tumor to cancer? What are you talking about? Breathe, honey.

Just breathe.

This is very common and very treatable.

Right, Dr. Dunn?

Hurry, tell her, because I'm just winging it over here.

Fibroid tumors are very common in African -American women.

I knew it.

You know what this is? Yeah, this is the CIA.

This is the CIA trying to keep black women from having children.

They're putting something in the tap water, aren't they, Doctor? I haven't

about anything in the water.

But we do know that it may be associated with diet and stress.

Oh, how many times have I told you, Maya?

You got to lay off of that fast food.

See, Doctor, this is where I get the stress from her, and there's another one

worse than her where I work.

So, Doctor, then what's the next step?

I would suggest we start with hormone therapy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I had an aunt who had that, and she ended up with

handlebar mustache.

Then our next option is surgery.

I second thought I might look cute with a handlebar mustache.

Okay, William, so I guess what I'm trying to ask you is how would you want

woman to tell you that you're not satisfying her in bed?

Oh, my God, what did Yvonne tell you?

Look, it happened just the one time. It was the antihistamines, I swear.

William, Yvonne didn't say anything to me.

In that case, ignore what I just said. That was the antihistamines talking.

Um, can I borrow your ketchup?

So, I need to tell Sean that he's not giving me enough attention in bed.

Women, you make guys expend so much energy trying to get you in bed, it's no

wonder we don't have anything to give you once we get you there.

That's what I love about my Yvonne.

She is easy.

Come on.

Thank you, but that smells funny.

Really? Yeah.

Look, I just need to know how I would tell him.

Sensitively, subtly, preferably in a voice so quiet I couldn't hear it.

All right, all right.

I prefer the hands -on approach.

Maybe a game of follow the leader.

You know, a multimedia presentation can be very effective.

Especially when it features pornography starring Heather Hunter.

Um, excuse me. Not to be eavesdropping, but I was listening in and

overheard your conversation.

Hi, I'm Niecy. Hi, Niecy. How you doing?

Um, you know, I told my boyfriend once that he wasn't good in bed. Wasn't good

in bed? How old are you?

I don't think that's any of your business.

Yeah, yeah.

And this conversation is your business?

Well, I mean, as loud as you were talking, I figured it was an open forum.

bad.

Can you pass the mustard?

Okay, wait a minute. So what did your boyfriend tell you?

Oh, now who's...

Joan, what are you doing?

Why are we playing games?

What? I just love word games, that's all.

Yeah, but all your words are foreplay, caress, nibble, fondue.

Okay, that was supposed to be fondle, but I used the last L on lick.

Maybe it would just be easier if we just talked about this, because I don't have

any vowel.

Look, I don't want to be too controlling.

I don't want to emasculate you.

So far, we're on the same page.

Well, I want to be on the same board.

These aren't just words.

They're actions.

And actions speak louder than words.

You never say what you mean. Why don't you just try being direct with me?

I don't want you to have sex with me.

I want you to make love to me, Sean.

Isn't that the same thing?

No. No, it isn't. Not at all.

Sean, you're disconnected from me in bed.

You never look me in the eyes. You never say my name.

You never take the scenic route.

This is hard for me to say.

This is hard for me to hear.

I mean, I've never had any complaints before.

Well, maybe no one's ever cared enough before.

Isn't that what you want?

Somebody who cares enough?

Well, it was until now.

I've always been a fast learner.

I mean, not that I'm gonna do it fast, but...

Teach me.

Okay. Go over there.

You want to do it on the floor?

Sean. What? Go over there.

Okay.

Let's just stand here and look in each other's eyes.

This is gonna end with us naked together, isn't it?

Eventually.

Come here.

What

are you

doing?

Showing you how to fondue me.

Where you been? It's been two hours. I had a meeting.

Must have been a very, very good meeting.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Joan, I hope you're not mad at me for going to the doctor with Tony.

Not at all.

I mean, Dr. Dunn was my doctor first.

Now, Tony gets the complimentary muffin basket for referring the new patient,

but... No, I mean, look.

The important thing is that we get this taken care of.

Well, Joan, you know, it may take some time, and hopefully the hormone therapy

will work, but if not, we'll just have to wait and see what the next step is.

Yes, and we will see this through to the end, because I know how important it is

for you to have another baby.

Or two, or three, or four, or five. Five!

Hello, Joan.

It's like no Play -Doh Fun Factory we're talking about here. This is my uterus.

Jiminy Christmas, ladies!