Original subtitles

So, Frank, the only thing left to do is file the tax clearance certificates and

the merger documents, and we're all set.

It's been a real pleasure working with you on this, Joan.

Would the two of you like to be left alone?

What? Why?

Well, the calf you've been gently caressing with your big toe for the past

hour is mine.

And it's beginning to make me very uncomfortable.

Well,

Joan, I guess this concludes our business.

I'll message her over the final document.

Goodbye, Frank.

You know, you two need to stop the charade.

I know you went out last night.

How'd you know that?

Well, I didn't, but I do now.

Well, in that case, I'll see you tonight.

And since you seem to know everything, what kind of wine does Joan like?

Well, I don't know, but if you wanted to get your messages, I like Pier 1 gift

certificates, baskets of muffin. I like Merlot, and you need to go in the

backyard and cut yourself a switch.

No, Joan, I don't appreciate you chastising me in front of the client.

Yeah, and I don't appreciate you putting my business out in the street. So are

we done with it? Uh -huh. Okay, good.

Joan,

this seafood risotto is delicious.

But you barely touched the dessert.

Well, that's because I was saving room for this.

Joan!

Fred! It's Frank.

Whatever.

I had an epiphany. Really? That's the third time today.

Kind of busy here.

I found my true calling.

Jewelry making.

Oh, congratulations.

Now get the hell out of here.

Joan, I'm doing this for you.

I'm going to sell the jewelry so I can make some money, and then I can replace

that vase I broke. What vase?

The one I made this out of.

That was my favorite vase.

Well, now it can be your favorite necklace.

Hey, guys.

Joan, I need to borrow that black dress, the one with the spaghetti strap.

Sorry, I can't loan it to you until you return it from the last time you

borrowed it.

Oh, that's right.

I think I left it at some guy's apartment.

How do you leave a dress?

Oh, like you've never driven home from a date naked.

Okay, Tony, you can borrow whatever you want, just quickly, because I'm kind of

busy here.

Hey, you want to buy some jewelry?

I don't buy jewelry.

I'm given jewelry.

Like this bracelet, this necklace, and these earrings. All compliments of my

man, Keith.

Okay, Cody.

Come on. Come, come, come, come, come.

Why don't you take Lynn back to your place and tell her all about the new

I just did.

His name is Keith, and he bought me this bracelet, this necklace, and these

earrings. Okay, whatever.

Go. Get out. Leave. Both of you.

So sorry.

It's okay.

I remember where we were.

Don't mind me. I'm not even here.

And then, after the movie, we went for drinks. He ordered for me.

He even remembered what I like.

crazy about you or you drink too much.

Don't clean his office.

Hey, Frank.

Yeah. Yeah, I got my muffins. Thank you.

Is the gift certificate coming separately or can I... Hi, Frank.

Hey,

Maya. Hey, girl. You like these bracelets I made?

Yeah. I can make you some. Three for ten bucks.

Okay. It is my mother -in -law's...

and that is only $5 more than Darnell told me to spend, so hey!

Go. Um, but first I'm gonna have to go in your supply cabinet and get some more

paperclips and glue.

I need to see Joan Clayton right now.

Um, do you have an appointment?

Yeah, my foot has an appointment with her ass.

Okay, let's see. Her ass is all booked up today and I don't see your foot down

here anywhere.

Don't you give me any attitude or you'll be next.

Let me give you a piece of paper.

so that you can write a note, because obviously you're trying to commit

Your boss, Joan, is sleeping with my husband. I know this because I followed

to her house.

Now, where is she?

She went off to... No.

No.

Joan's not here today.

But I'll tell her that your foot stopped by.

Yo, Maya, you got a bag? Hey, are you Joan Clayton? No, Joan is... No, no, no,

Joan. Joan is a high -powered attorney. I mean, do you think she'd be dressed

like she just went through a paper shredder and steal an office supplies

I could be Joan Clayton. I could be a high -powered attorney. This woman is

trying to kill Joan Clayton.

Well, lucky for me, I'm just a poor, struggling student.

You just tell Ms.

Clayton.

When I find her, I'm going to take a piece out of her like I took a piece out

this.

Okay, Joan, you look me straight in the eye.

Are you seeing a married man?

What are you talking about?

Oh, that's a nice dodge, Joan, real nice dodge, but I'm the one asking the

questions around here.

Your man's wife was just here.

My man?

Frank, Frank is not even married. That's not what his wife said. She followed

him to your house.

That bastard, he's married?

To a psycho that violates muffins.

So are you saying that you didn't know?

I didn't know. Do you think I would date a married man?

Joan, Joan, Joan.

I need those files for the Logan deposition. William, this is no time for

legal stuff, okay? We just found out that Frank is married. That cat!

He was rubbing on my leg.

I can't believe this.

I really like this guy.

I mean, we really connected, and now I find out he's just a lying, cheating

I hate men!

Hey, Joan, Joan, now, don't stoop to male bashing.

I believe the Osmonds said it best when they said, one bad apple don't spoil the

whole bunch, girl.

Face it, Joan.

Black men are culturally programmed to cheat.

Where did you hear that?

From my African studies professor.

He argued that historically monogamy is not part of the African culture.

At least that's what he said to his wife when she busted us in that hotel room.

Oh, sure, making generalizations about black men. Black men cheat.

Black men don't like to work. Black men make the best lovers.

Wait a minute, that one's true.

Yeah, well, there are a couple of generalizations about black women, too.

If a man does it wrong, we... Shoot him in the ass. Pour hot grits on him.

No, we cry.

Oh, sweetie.

Then we shoot him in the ass.

Tony, it's great that we've been able to use your friend's place while she's at

work. What choice did we have after your wife started staking out my place? Oh,

yeah, my wife is so crazy. If she caught us together, girl, ain't no telling

what she'd do.

Why are you wasting your lunch hour talking about her when I'm on the menu?

That's right.

Hi. Hope you weren't waiting long, were you? Oh, not at all.

Actually, got here a little early.

Kind of slow at work.

Not much happened after your wife left.

What? Your wife. You know, the woman you married to love, honor, and cherish.

Ringing any bells?

What are you talking about? I'm not married. Oh!

You're a cheat and a liar.

I thought you were different.

I thought you were one of the good guys.

You were so attentive, Frank.

The other day, you even remembered that my favorite drink was a vodka martini.

But it probably hasn't occurred to you to wonder why today I happen to have

ordered a Bloody Mary.

Okay, Joan, why did you order a Bloody Mary?

Because, Frank, tomato juice stains.

Maybe your wife can shout it out.

We thought maybe the health inspector came by to check out your kitchen.

Don't you see?

It's a scarlet A for adulterer.

Frank's wife is very well read.

Hawthorne is not an easy read.

Well, it's a good thing I got rid of Frank because his wife is a crazy bitch.

Yep, and a hell of a painter. Now, this brush stroke here shows a lot of rage.

And yet, right over there, it suddenly gets whimsical.

Joan!

Two. Now I don't feel so guilty about not feeling guilty.

How in the hell do you sleep at night? Ooh, only satin pillows so my hair

doesn't get all messed up.

Dating a married man's bad karma.

You know, I did it once. Yeah.

And look at how messed up Lynn's life is.

I was going to say, I got a parking ticket.

Oh.

Hey, okay, I was just trying to bring a little happiness into an unhappily

married... Rich man's life. Someone needs to be thanking me.

This is why the black family structure has broken down.

Because of women like you, creep along 30, eggs all dried up, get all

start stealing our husbands.

Okay, I hate to poke holes in your theory, but the family I broke up was

The revolution will not be televised.

Don't include me in their mess. As soon as I found out that Frank was married, I

dumped his lion ass.

My Keith has always been up front with me. See, I don't have a problem with a

guy cheating on his wife, as long as he's honest about it. That way I know I

trust him.

Tony, have you already sold your soul to Satan, or is the deal still pending?

It's only immoral if the wife finds out. Keith and I are discreet.

As soon as his wife got suspicious, our first thought was of her.

We stopped using my place, we started using Joan's. What?

I told you I wasn't the one using up all the whipped cream.

Come on, Joan.

We had to throw the wife off track.

She's crazy.

If she caught us, there's no telling what she'd do.

Like maybe paint a big whimsical A on your door.

Or shoot a big hole in your ass. That's what I'd do.

Tony, the woman who's been after me is Keith's wife, not Frank's. Frank isn't

even married.

Well, why are you yelling?

because of you, and now I have to make it up to him big time.

Oh.

I need to go and get some steaks and some more whipped cream, and you, you

to get your boyfriend's wife off my back.

I don't know, Joan.

I'm not one to interfere between a man and his wife. Uh -uh.

Baby, I've got a little problem.

Well, baby, I don't know what the problem is, but I know how to fix it.

No, it's not that.

But ooh, these are nice.

Can I get a little thank you?

Give it a rest. They're only earrings. We have bigger problems.

Apparently, your crazy wife thinks you're sleeping with my friend Joan, and

out to get her.

What you talking about, Tony?

I guess she followed you to Joan's house when we were using it.

Okay, this is weird.

I know, but Joan is my very best friend.

We're going to have to fix it.

Tony, I ain't married.

What? I just said that so things wouldn't get too serious.

Oh, my God.

You're not an adulterer. You're a liar.

And I trusted you? You bastard.

Wait a minute.

If you're not married, then whose wife came after Joan?

Hey.

going to be here any minute.

Hey, can you please clean up that mess?

Joan, I'm an artist, all right?

And the creative process requires a certain amount of chaos.

That thing is glued to the table, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay, I had a little accident.

I don't have time for this. I'm going to put that on your tab.

Oh, that's Frank. Can you get it? I'll be back in five.

It's you. You are Joan.

No, I'm her roommate.

Then where is she? I'm going to kill her.

You're like a dog with a bone on that one, aren't you?

Okay, look, this whole thing is a misunderstanding.

Joan's not seeing your husband.

Really? Well, I just followed him to this neighborhood. He's down at the

picking up tulips. I figured I'd head him off at the pass.

Well, you're wasting your time because he's not seeing Joan.

Well, he's coming here to see somebody.

And I'm not leaving until I find out who.

He's coming here to see me.

Okay, now I'm really insulted.

Okay, look, before you start dabbing stuff, if you really must know, your

husband hired me to make some jewelry especially for you.

I don't wear jewelry.

That's because you haven't seen my jewelry.

It's got you written all over it. It's like whimsical, a little dash of rage.

You know, Joan really doesn't like when people touch her stuff. She had a little

problem with breakage.

Well, I don't like it when people touch my man.

Now, who's he down there buying flowers for?

Hello? Me.

As a thank you.

I've been up all night banging out metal.

Yeah? Rage is easy, but whimsy's a bitch.

Jewelry, huh?

Yeah. You want to see it?

Let me see what this bastard bought.

Okay. I will be right back.

Who are you?

Tony. Where's Jonah? Did you hurt her?

Don't worry. It's okay. The weird girl. Oh, Lynn.

Explain everything and I'm cool.

You are?

You don't mind that your husband is... No, I mean, it's not really my thing,

sometimes you just gotta let a man do what a man wants to do.

You know, if my man were married, I'd wish he were married to you.

I'm Joan.

Joan! It's okay. She doesn't mind that you're seeing her husband.

But I'm not seeing her husband. I'm seeing Frank.

But Frank is my husband. And if anyone here is doing him, I'm going to kill

Your husband's Frank?

Yes, it is. Um, and I'm a little confused, but for the record, I was

Keith.

Okay. I've always had this problem where my eye twitches when I have to lie to

save my life, but I'm pretty sure I can pull this off.

It's nice to meet you, Angela.

I am Frank.

Angela. Hello, Frank.

Guess your little secret is out.

Now, baby.

Okay, here is the jewelry you ordered for your wife.

Thank you. How sweet.

Thank you for the jewelry.

I wanted to surprise you, so surprise.

What's surprising is you thought I would actually like this, but I guess you're

trying, so thank you.

lend the money you owe her?

Oh, sure. How much are they again?

They're 500 each.

Cash only.

Uh, look, this is all I have.

Oh, that's okay. You can pay me the rest later.

Come on, Frank. Let's go. I don't even want to tell you what I thought you were

up to again.

I told you I was a changed man.

Hey, uh, um...

You got a point there.

Hey, baby, baby.

She came on to me.

seen it yet.

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