Original subtitles

Wow, this really takes you back to the 80s.

Lynn, what is all this junk?

Oh, no, it's my childhood junk. My mom sent it to me. This is like my puberty

a box.

My Debbie Gibson t -shirt.

Autographs. Like,

oh my God, my video of me singing We Got the Beat.

You guys have got to see this.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's on beta.

You know what, Lynn?

We'll get over it. Here.

Hey, Joan. Remember that MTV audition tape you and I made when we were in high

school? You mean the one we never made?

That I never kept and no one will ever see?

Mm -hmm. That's the one.

Oh, dude!

My board! Bonus!

Lynn, just how white were you growing up?

Pretty damn.

Seven, I can't decide between the lace thong and honeydew, the papaya, the

pomegranate.

Oh, hell, it's been a good week.

Just give me the whole thong of fruit bowl.

Hold on, I have another call.

Tony Child.

Tony, I think I'm pregnant.

Who is this?

It's Joan.

Joan Clayton, pregnant.

Look,

you're playing on my business line. Who is this?

You are not pregnant.

How can you be so sure?

Because people who get pregnant usually have sex first.

I've had sex.

Do you remember Marcus?

Ooh, yeah, big girly hips, Marcus.

Sorry, but please tell me you used a condom, right?

Yes.

Yes, I did, but they are only 87 .3 % effective.

And he put it on, so I can't even be sure that he pinched the tip, which

me down to about a 50 -50.

Joan, step away from the ledge and listen.

You just came off of a big case, right?

Yeah. Then, honey, you're probably late because of stress.

You're right.

It's stress.

The same stress that is the number one cause of heart attacks and strokes.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have a heart attack.

Or a stroke.

But at least you're not pregnant.

said, if the hand causes you to sin, cut it off. I'm just... Okay.

Okay. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I will go to counseling.

No, not with Reverend Hoskins. Mama, everybody knows he cheated on his wife.

I gotta go.

I gotta go. She's back in the bathroom.

The bathroom. Bye.

So, that's the sixth time you've gone to the bathroom this morning.

Why are you keeping track of that?

What's the... It's a little game I play to relieve the tedium.

No offense, Maya, but you smell like gasoline.

Jones, this is my Ghana jasmine oil I get for my incense man.

Well, it's definitely high octane, so do you think you could stand upwind?

What's going on with you? I mean, you're hypersensitive to smells. You're peeing

every five minutes. I'm stressed, Maya. Just drop it. And you're irritable.

I think you were pregnant if it weren't for the fact that you haven't had sex

since...

Ben Jarrell, okay? Settle your stomach.

Maya, I can't be pregnant.

I can't have this baby now.

Joan, why don't you say what it is, okay? You don't want to have this baby

You're right.

I don't.

I mean, I don't even have a man in my life. I'm trying to make partner, and I

haven't even seen Venice yet.

Venice is nothing but a bunch of freaks on rollerblades juggling bowling balls.

Whatever. Look, girl, I was 17 when I had Jabari, okay? My life wasn't even

-tenth as together as yours.

I mean, of course, I had a man, and my mom was right there to help, and there

was no career I was sacrificing, so I, um... I'm sorry, where was I going with

this?

Back to your desk, because you're not helping.

Look...

thing, Joan, is that you can have the baby and still fulfill your dreams.

just have to defer them till the baby's out of college.

But believe me, you'll never regret it.

Um, excuse me.

Joan, I don't mean to interrupt your little coffee class, but you were

to be on a phone call with me 15 minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to pretend to be both of us?

Bitch hair.

You think you can cover it for me, William? Because I may need to go home.

Um, Joan's feeling a little queasy this morning, William.

Oh. Well, don't worry, Joan.

You're probably just pregnant.

Pregnant?

That's a laugh, right, Maya?

Oh.

It's a good thing I have small feet.

Because I think I just put both of them in my mouth.

Hey, William.

Hey, Tony.

Muffy.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Well, what are you guys doing here?

Honey, you said you were late.

You didn't say you were having all these symptoms.

How did you know?

I called them. I'm only one person, Joan.

I can't man the phone.

He'll take your briefs and handle your crises. Damn.

Poor Joanie.

Girl, you must be living under a bad moon. I have sex all the time. All I get

rug burn.

You do it twice and you end up preggers.

Okay, wait a minute.

You said I was stressed, not pregnant. What, were you lying to me?

Telling me what you thought I wanted to hear? Well, tell me again. And say it

like you mean it.

Oh, God.

I feel nauseous.

Me too. It's a busy plaid. It's giving me vertigo as well. Go back up, Lynn.

Joan, look at yourself.

You're either making yourself sick worrying about this or you really are

pregnant. Let's just go get a test and find out.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No test. Look at me. I'm fine.

I feel great.

Ready for Tybo class. Look.

Ow, ow. See?

My breasts are tender. That's because my period's coming.

vote is that we just take a wait -and -see position. What position are we

waiting to see? The top of the baby's head?

Okay.

Oh,

here they are.

Uh -uh. That is a little cup. Too complicated. It's easier to peel than

You guys, can we leave?

Feels like everyone's staring at me.

Oh, but honey, they're not.

They're staring at Lynn. They think she's Blair from The Facts of Life.

You guys, I can't be pregnant.

I have a plan.

And it is a great plan.

It first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Joan with the baby

Not first comes baby. It doesn't even rhyme with anything. It gets stupid.

Plus, maybe rhymes with baby, Joan. Oh, shut up.

Hey, take it down a thousand.

You know what, Joan? Go to the car.

Joe, don't touch any of the buttons. Go.

Yes, please go. Go.

Oh, that child could work a nerve.

I don't know about you guys, but I am not looking forward to nine months of

that. Oh, this looks like a good one.

for 13 bucks.

Ooh, plus you get two free movie tickets. Score.

Joan's going to be too busy raising children to be going to the movies.

I don't have to know about the tickets.

Guys, what if she's really pregnant?

I mean, that could change all of our lives.

We could be aunties.

Guys, we've got to be there for Joan. You've seen her. She's going to need us.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Okay, I'll get the prenatal vitamins and the

pickles.

I'll get the cocoa butter for the stretch marks.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, and I'll get those big -ass panties she's gonna need.

with the toilet tissue.

Okay.

I'm scared.

Whatever it is, you'll be okay. You want me to look?

Please.

Well?

Congratulations?

Congratulations?

That's great.

I'm not pregnant.

Okay. I guess what I was looking for was the opposite of congratulations.

Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan, honey, Joan.

Suck it up. Suck it up. Okay.

So it isn't exactly the way you planned. So what?

Okay. You're pregnant.

Mm -hmm. And, honey, you will deal with it.

But I can't be a mother.

I'm still a daughter.

Oh, God.

Joan, you can be anything you want to be.

No, I can't. Can I be a...

Look at what trouble you got in being a loveseat.

You see, I was actually raised white, and I didn't embrace my black side until

was in college.

And now I'm just trying to introduce my white side to my black side.

Like, what's up, girl?

I'm fine.

Okay, well, why did it take you until college to embrace your black side?

Because I grew up around nothing but white people.

But there had to be at least one black person around you somewhere. I mean,

necrosity didn't just drop from the sky.

Okay, my biological father's black, but I was adopted by white parents.

You didn't even have a black radio station to help you along?

I'm from Seattle, and let me tell you something. That white music has this

insidious quality that just gnaws at you and breaks you down.

I'm going to tell you my little white secret, okay?

All right.

I love... me, Samba Jovi.

No! Yes.

Hey, Joan is sleeping.

No. No, I'm up.

Oh, shoot.

Here goes my complete and entire pregnancy plan.

Honey, you know you have options, right?

Well, you know abortion's not one of them.

Okay, Maya, we know that you're a mother.

We know... how you feel, but the fact of the matter is that this is Joan's

choice. You know, there's always adoption.

Well, Joan, if you choose adoption, baby, please make sure there's some

people involved, okay?

I mean, you don't want your child to end up like... No offense, Lynn, but you're

going through some things.

Look, you guys, I want to have the baby.

I mean, obviously this wasn't a part of my plan, but...

there's a bigger plan at work here, and I think it's time that I came up with a

new plan.

One that includes a baby.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

But, girl, this is gonna be so much fun.

Ooh, and I get to dress your baby just like me.

See, Joan?

I told you it was gonna be all right.

You got friends, you got family, and you got more than enough money for a nanny.

Um, Lynn, Can you get that?

Okay, I'll get it this time. Remember, I'm the nanny, not the maid.

Hey, William.

Hey, Lynn.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, William.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I would have called earlier, but what I need to say, I need to say in person.

And about what happened today at the office, I ran out on you when you

needed support.

I mean, unless I'm missing something, you do need support, right?

William, if that's your subtle way of asking if I'm pregnant, the answer is

I'm pregnant.

Wow.

Well, like I said, I'm here to support you, so hang in there, slugger.

Do you know who the father is?

Oh, you know me.

Never look at their faces as long as they put the money on the nightstand.

Of course I know where the father is, William. I meant, was he involved?

Not as yet.

No. Well, if your baby needs a father figure, you can count on me.

I always figured I'd make a good dad.

Since I don't have anybody in my life and I care about you and all, I got

this for the baby.

That is so sweet.

He wants to be her baby daddy.

I am so blessed to have friends like you. This baby is going to be so loved.

Look out. Godmother coming through.

Godmother coming through.

Joan, you know what, honey?

If you have a girl, you can name her Tony.

And if you have a boy, you can name him Tony, too.

I should name the baby after all of you guys.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, let's see. The baby's name would be Willitoma.

Willitoma.

That is so beautiful.

Willitoma?

If I'm not mistaken, I think my Nana had one of those removed from her left

foot.

shopping. Hold on. Excuse me.

Which one of these condoms has a strong sperm size?

Thank you.

Tony, you're buying condoms?

Oh, yeah, girl. You put the fear of God in me.

So what's up?

Oh, honey, are you having a craving?

They have good ice cream here.

Tony, there is no baby.

Joan, I thought we've already worked our way through denial.

No, I went and saw Dr. Kent today.

She said I'm not pregnant.

But that's good news, right?

Yeah.

Of course it is.

I still have these prenatal vitamins.

They're still vitamins, right?

Of course they are. Hey, and I read somewhere they give you big boobs.

One at a time, Joan.

One at a time.

Way too complex a woman to be defined by these simple categories.

I'm Lynn and not my skin.

Get used to it.

Well, I hate to break it to you, Miss Complex Woman, but in America, you

Joan!

Look what I found in a shallow hole behind your garage.

I think it's our MTV video.

What? She gave me money.