Original subtitles

Is anybody there?

Hello?

Hello?

Security, this is Joan Clayton. I'm on the 27th floor. I'm alone, and I just

heard something, and then all the hall lights went out.

Hello?

Hello?

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

Threaten to make him pay rent. Always scares me.

Not enough to pay rent.

Observe, I am paralyzed with fear.

Otherwise, I would reach for my money.

Joan, you've got to get into the mind of the black man. It takes more than Jim

and I praying to scare them.

All right, fine.

Hey, hey, David.

What scares a black man?

Bush.

Janie.

The Halloween party is this weekend, and I need to come up with something,

something brilliant, something foolproof.

Something painful.

I just got another compliment on my copter.

I'm so glad I spent this extra five bucks on the corsage.

Oh, it's about time that I put my master's degree until I called you to

Yeah, well, you also got a master's in African -American history, and the funny

thing is, you've never gotten a job from either of them.

Joan, there is no job that could pay off ten years of student loans. Oh.

pajama party.

Joan, I'm Black Man.

Society's most underappreciated superhero.

Besides, Black Man doesn't sleep in pajamas.

He sleeps in the buff.

All right, William, you've got to stop scaring me.

pulled over by the cops.

For what?

DWB. Driving while black.

Oh, my. You're not suggesting you were victims of racial profiling, are you?

William, I'm not suggesting. I'm testifying.

You know, we're never going to move ahead as a people until we get past this

late 80s Al Sharpton victim mentality.

Well, thank you, Super Tom.

But if those cops weren't racist, explain why they called Majabari a

Maybe because he's dressed like a ghost.

No, I'm not. I'm a napkin.

That's right, baby.

I knew people weren't going to get it without the knife in the fork.

Hey, Jabari, come give me a hug.

Baby, explain to them how we got stopped just minding our own business, just

cranking the Harry Potter book on tape.

Baby, don't make a big deal out of it, okay?

I'm so used to getting pulled over, I've learned to drive with my hands behind

my head.

You don't mean to be talking about all this in front of Jabari?

They said I'm dumb.

The man's out to get us.

You know, he's getting more like his daddy every day.

It should make some little girl in second grade very happy.

Well,

I guess I'm gonna go and hit the hors d 'oeuvre table.

Although I'm sticking to the crudités.

These tights show every little bulge.

So, uh, Darnell, what are you dressed as?

I'm an airline baggage supervisor.

But isn't that what you do?

No, I'm an airline baggage handler.

Ah.

Hey,

Tommy, Eric.

Happy Halloween.

Great costume.

Oh, thanks. I'll either grab this out of the closet or go buy something.

Oh, well, it's very sexy in a sacrilegious sort of way.

Not as sexy as the one she's going to wear later.

I told you I would think about it.

to wear? A dental floss?

It's not what he wants me to wear. It's what he wants me to do.

He wants a threesome.

I am going to give you the same answer that I gave Lynn. No.

Girl, this is not about you.

The toit and the menage is a stuffed animal.

What? I don't know. Apparently he gets turned on by rubbing on soft plushy

things.

ever asked you to do something like that before? No, never.

It's insane.

That's what I think.

Why does he need stuffed animals when he's got me?

Aren't these plushy enough?

These put babies to sleep.

Good. Then you're not going to go through with it. Oh, I don't know. He is

stockbroker with a yacht.

There is definitely a plus column and a minus column here, Joan.

That is it. You need... an intervention.

So, Laurie the harem girl. Yes.

Can I offer you a stick -a -ma -hick -a -ma?

Thanks, Superman.

No, actually, I'm Black Man.

He's a little -known character from the early 60s. I have all nine issues in

mint condition.

And I'm losing any chance I may have had here, aren't I?

Pretty much.

But the way you fill out those types is bringing me back.

Really?

Guess those extra squats have been paying off.

The freak wants her to get frisky with a stuffed animal.

So Eric's a plushie.

I mean, it has a name.

Are the people actually doing this?

Yeah. Plush love.

It's the newest fetish on the block.

They have a website. They're lobbying for discounts of Toys R Us.

Okay, you know what? This is just wrong.

I agree. Why should they get discounts?

What, if more people?

Release their stress through fetishes, there'd be a lot less violence in the

world. What about S &M? Isn't that violent?

Not when I do it.

Okay.

Do I need to define intervention?

You're trying to discourage Tony here, not give her new ideas.

Okay, Joan, I know what you're up to.

You've convinced that Lori girl to seduce me as part of your revenge.

Okay, first of all, I don't even know Lori.

And second of all, how is getting an attractive woman to seduce you revenge?

I don't know.

She could be frigid. She could be psychotic.

Heck, Joan, that woman could be a Democrat.

Right, William. Why don't you just go focus your energy on the many other

trying to seduce you?

Good point. Mm -hmm.

Hello, Davis.

Nice teeth.

And hey, uh, don't bend over in that thing or everybody might see Jurassic.

As long as they don't see my woolly mammoth.

Anyway, so are the tortilla chips in the bag?

What? Is the mother bird in the nest?

What? William, did he take the bait?

Oh, yes.

The fire burns bright at midnight. What?

I don't know. You started it.

Yes or no, Joan? I don't know. I'm confused. There's so much going on at

party.

Hey. I want you to meet my date, Miss South County.

Hi, Joan Clayton. No, Debbie Ray Parker.

I'm currently a senior majoring in communications and poultry and help from

Rancho Cucamonga, California.

That's Spanish for Ranch of the Cucamongas.

Oh, that's a great pageant bid, Debbie.

Oh, that's no bid, Joan. She is Miss South County.

They don't know.

Does she know?

Well, thank you for bringing me home early.

Gotta get back in the bottle before Major Nelson gets upset.

I had a really nice time tonight, Laura.

Me too.

Have lunch with me tomorrow.

But don't you have to...

Fight injustice and save the planet tomorrow?

In the morning.

But I have to have this costume back by noon. And after that, I am all yours.

Better get inside.

I've got to tell my mother I've got a date with a superhero.

I've got to tell my mom I have a date.

Tony, I can't believe you're still considering it.

Joan, listen.

Don't judge me, okay?

I'm going to do it.

The thing is, I don't know where his bear has been.

Can I borrow yours?

Okay, Tony.

We've shared a lot of things, but this is where I draw the line.

You are not going to be spooning with Mr.

Snuffles.

Where am I going to find an all -night toy store?

Oh, oh, Davis, Davis.

parts store in West Cabina. I'm so sorry I can't be there.

You cut that ribbon for all of us.

Bye -bye.

Thank you for having us, Joan.

So is everything going according to plan?

No. I'm 29 and I'm not even married.

I mean, Mr. Snuffles has a better chance of getting some than I do.

But then again, he's probably just talking about William.

Yes. He left here a while ago with Lori.

Good, good.

My part is all set up and ready to go.

So from here on out, you're on your own.

I'd love to stay on it with you, but you know she is, Miss South County.

You might want to remind her of that, because when she looks in the mirror,

know her little sash is going to be backwards.

Dent, I just dropped Lori off, and she forgot to give me my cape back.

What are you talking about?

Lori passed away five years ago.

Passed away?

Well, that's not possible. I just dropped her off a few minutes ago. You

mother could say such a thing about her own daughter?

You don't believe me? See for yourself.

She's a turd at Birkin's Mausoleum. Okay, very funny, but could you please

your dead daughter I need my cape back?

What kind of deranged person plays a joke like this on an old woman?

Well, what kind of old woman plays a joke like this on a horny superhero?

All right, John.

Nobody gives blue balls to black men and gets away with it.

Uh -huh.

Okay.

Thank you for all your help.

Bye. Okay, so William's on his way to the mausoleum. I gotta get over there

the fireworks. Lynn, can you keep the party going for me?

Yeah, sure.

Leave. Why should you stay? No one else ever has.

I'm working through my abandonment issues.

Okay, I'm coming with you.

Darn it!

Oh, Maya, Maya, Maya.

Everything is finally falling into place.

I mean, my party's a success, all my plush things are hidden away, and

is exactly where I want him. I don't want to change my plan now.

Okay, come on, let's go. If William's suspicious, I can help convince him.

Joan, I took acting in high school.

don't want anything to get in the way. I mean, I've worked everything out to the

smallest detail.

What the hell is he doing here?

William's not following my plan. What kind of a plan is a plan if he's not

following my plan?

Okay, Joan, fun is fun, but I need my cape back or else I'm out my $35

So get Lori on the phone and tell her the jig is up.

Jig? First of all, I am not sure that I'm comfortable with black people saying

the word jig.

And second of all, I don't know what jig you're talking about.

I know you're trying to scare me with this lame prank, but it's late.

I've just lost a date.

These tights are riding up on me.

William, why on earth would you ever think Joan would be up to something so

sinister?

I wish I had an Oscar right now so I could beat her over the head with it.

Joan, if I have to go to that mausoleum to get my cape back, you're coming with

me. You are playing a fool.

since I don't have an Oscar.

If you think you can trick me into going to a mausoleum at night on Halloween

just so that you can scare me, you are out of your mind. Oh, very good.

The old double reverse psychology bluff calling thingy.

Well, we are all going, so come on.

Um, John, John.

When we get there, just let me do all of the talking, okay? He's not buying your

performance at all.

Haven't we seen these already?

I'm scared.

You win. I want to go home.

Well, look.

It's my cape hanging from a crypt.

And I wonder whose crypt this could be.

Laurie McKelvey.

1972 to 1995.

for lunch tomorrow.

William, stop that. Have a little respect for the dead.

Oh, and I wonder what's going to happen next.

Could it be your, I don't know, Laurie coming out of the shadows and scary

makeup?

Oh, my.

Oh, he's not buying it.

Well, then can I just get my check? Because I'm cold.

All right, fine. William, I give up. You win. I can't scare you.

Good. I think it's about time you recognized my fearlessness.

Oh, Lori.

You're an actress.

Yes. I play the corpse on Law and Order. I almost didn't take this gig because I

was afraid of being typecast.

You people mind telling me what you're doing here?

Officer, look, look, we don't, we don't, we don't, we don't run out of trouble.

We're just four innocent black people just talking in the middle of the night

a mausoleum. In fact, we was just...

You know what? We were just leaving. Leaving, Officer Friendly. Now, Joan,

quite good.

First you play out the bad plan. It failed.

I let my guard down, then boom.

Enter the phony cop.

Well, you know what? I am tired. I'm going home to sort out my candy.

Excuse me, boys.

You'll leave when I say you can leave.

Hey!

Dude,

I am not wearing a cup.

Joan, you want to...

isn't a joke.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, y 'all, leave him alone. He didn't do nothing but be

Oh, my God.

He's a real handcuff.

Ow! Well, she's right. I didn't do anything.

I can't believe I'm a victim of racial profiling.

Does anybody else here think like that? No. I don't.

Look,

officer, sir, I'm sure you're handling this in accordance with the LAPD of...

Rampart division policy.

But I am a lawyer, and I want to be out of his handcuffs right now.

I tell you what, we might let you off under one condition.

Just name it. I'll do it. Anything.

Look that woman straight in the eye, and you tell her, she got you.

That was a lot of fun. See you later, John. Bye, guys.

You all come on. We got a 352 on Crenshaw.

What's a 352?

That's the address of the new Krispy Kreme.

Giving out free glaze till midnight.

Look, hey, is somebody going to let me out of these handcuffs?

William?

Yvonne.

Oh, you remember my name.

But I guess you conveniently forgot my phone number.

You know this guy?

Yeah. You remember that guy I met on the Internet?

We went out on that one date at that Saditi restaurant, and he ran out on me.

She really is crazy.

You told her I was crazy? I didn't say you were crazy. I said I was crazy to

have lost your number.

See, now you're playing with my emotions.

Hey, Bonnie, you need to be alone with this guy or what? Just give me five

minutes. I need to release some stress.

Um, Joan?

Joan, you win!

You win, Joan! Help me!

Help Joan! I will never scare you again.

William, the police...

They were payback for this year, but Yvonne, she's for last year. Trick or

treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.

No!

No!

No!

Hey,

Tony.

What are you doing here? I thought you went home with Flushie.

Joan, I want you to know I dumped Eric.

I decided I do not want any part of that lifestyle.

I knew I didn't have to worry about you.

You see, you skirt on the edge, but you never really go over, do you?

Oh, um, I do have a little confession, though.

You talk with your snuffle? I think he's okay.

But there was ten minutes that I went to the bathroom and the bear didn't have a

chaperone.